"jesus christ is not a weapon"


i know i haven't said much about lost this season, but, as i told jacob, i just don't feel that i can add anything significant to the commentary. i read the ew.com preview thursday morning. i watch the show thursday night. i read the ew recap on friday. and then i go to lostpedia to make sure i didn't miss anything revelatory and sometimes i watch the show again. it's not just a show for me. it's an event. an event that i am going to sorely miss in a couple weeks after the season finale, but i'll wait 'til then to mourn. if you don't know or care to know what you are missing with this show yet, then you really don't care about what i am writing now. stay with me. this time last year, i was frustrated with all the unanswered questions and the slowness with which the audience was given any new insight as to where the show was headed. i have done a complete 180 on this stance now. if i am not given something new to chew on and ponder with each new episode, i leave feeling almost disappointed. i leave feeling like my week is incomplete. i leave a little empty inside. and it hit me as i sat down to write this morning what this show has become for me. it's become my "church."

now, before you go thinking and rolling your eyes and saying out loud or to yourself about how sacrilegious that sounds, let me explain. i am not saying that i am denouncing my community of believer buddies at humc. i am not saying that i am removing my membership or planning on lessening my activity and participation there. i am saying this. the worship services that i have blasted and burned on this site for two years now, the hour on sunday morning that i used to look to as my outlet in the wall that i would plug myself into to recharge my spiritual battery for the week that was to come, well, i no longer look for worship at huffman to do that. it's not capable. my expectations are too high. the worship leaders have so muffed up the idea of a worship experience (in my own head, mind you.), that i can no longer trust that i will be anything but disappointed come the benediction at the end of the service. and that, my friends, is why lost is my new "church."

lost, for me, is everything a true, "religious" experience should be. something one anticipates. something that is fulfilling. something that, because of it's layers, cannot not be completely digested and deconstructed in the real time that it is occurring. something that plants a seed in your head that might bloom several hours or several days down the line and might provide a vested participant with an "aha!!!" moment as refreshing as a cold coca-cola. something that leaves you coming back for more. something that lends itself to criticism, but learns from the critique, evolves and betters itself because of it. something that is fluid. unpredictable. mysterious. inspirational. motivational. alive.

...

then again, maybe i am just projecting. lost could just be a tv show. and maybe it's only an experience because i've chosen it to be one. and maybe that's true.

it's a thin line that i am trying to balance on this morning. i know this. just a few days ago, i asked a question. if a first-time visitor came to church last sunday and witnessed all the crying and the holocaust baby talk and the bass-thumping and the derision from the choir loft, with what impression would they leave? whose show would they have seen? a show built by the the worship leaders and peripheral noise outside of the sanctuary? or god's show? for two years, i have been trying to ask myself that question and i keep coming back to the same place. i can't expect my pastor and my associate pastor and my choir director and my choir and others to do all the work for me. i have to be invested if i want my worship service to become a worship "experience". i know this. and i have tried. by going back to that sunday's scripture. by meditating and praying on the message from the pulpit. trying to block out the negativity and focus on the positive aspects on what i am a part of in the hopes that i want to come back for more.

and it's not working. not yet. so, what does that tell me? that lost is doing a better job of church than humc or that the tv show is filling something inside of me that is looking for some food. maybe one or the other. maybe a little of both. maybe neither. i haven't entirely reconciled it in my head just yet. i know that i can offer a lot to my church. and maybe my church deserves second and third and fourth and so-on chances that continue to follow ill-fated decisions or lack thereof. or maybe god has been thumping the back of my ear for two years now trying to get my attention and i am too stubborn to look behind me and make eye contact.

it's a hard thing. to wonder if letting go is the right answer. wondering if you can play a role in changing the course of something that seems already so destined to fail.

in a couple weeks, lost will go on hiatus and i will have an "experience" void to fill. if something new (or old) looks interesting, you'll be the first to know.