father's day
(part blue comb '78)
((dude...get over it.))


i was this close.

i didn't know it yet, but i was two hours away.

i was two hours away from being given my one, last reason to give up the ghost of recapturing a dying relationship.

i was two hours away when chris perry called and left me a message that this had happened. at the time the message was left, andy, chris' wife renae and the rest of their family were unsure whether their day would end with their father winning his fight for his life or not. happily, i can report that things with mr. rickles have taken a turn for the better and it looks like he, soon, will be beginning down what, i am sure, will be a long road to recovery. praise god for that.

oh, perspective. you are a fickle bitch.

it's no secret to those of you that read me that andy is a good buddy of mine. our schedules and commitments get in the way of us kicking it too often. but, he's one of the few guys in my life that, if i saw him getting roughed up on the side of the road, i would jump out of my moving car and hustle to the fracas (if my bones didn't break from jumping out of a moving car) in order to throw a punch or three on his behalf (that, or get punched in the face right alongside him.). he knows my side of my and my father's story as well as anyone. so, i don't think he'll mind too terribly much if i take his traumatic situation and, selfishly, spin it so that i can find a life lesson in the midst of one of his worst days ever. at least, i hope not.

i think about...no, i dwell on the idea...no. ok, i obsess about not having my dad all the time. seldom, though, do i let it cross my mind the thought of not having him, you know? i am sure andy, renae and the rest of their family can attest to how crappy a feeling that actually must be. and even today, even being close, now, to someone that's been through that crappy feeling (or worse yet, suffered the real thing and not just a close call), surely only someone that's actually been there and done that can know the depths, the true ramifications, of what someone's life being taking out of yours (permanently) can do to a person.

i'll be honest. i am uncomfortable with this thought as it relates to my own life. the way that i process my memories of my father in the present are a lot like my playing a round of golf. i suck at golf. i hit a ton of shitty, even laughably bad shots. but those aren't the ones that keep me coming back for more. it's those four to five shots over the course of eighteen holes that i hit like i was worthy of a pga tour card (ok. maybe not that good.) that make me want to play again. and it's the good times and the good conversations and the smiles that look a lot like mine that won't let me forget what a relationship with my dad could be like, even if it's never the relationship that i wish for when i am asleep.

andy and renae (and the rest of your family), i am so happy that your dad is doing better, and i am sorry for your having to go through yesterday.

i am going to call my dad again soon.

pray for me (and my patience), please.