the christmas tree is up
(hannah and caroline and me, part twenty)


for the second consecutive year, sarah, hannah and caroline came back from their savannah trip with a pre-lit christmas tree waiting for them. getting the thing down from the attic wasn't as overwhelming as i had prepared myself for, but missing the last step on the ladder coming down and having my life flash before my eyes for a brief moment made my heart race. all was well, though. i didn't lose my balance. the box did not fall on my head or shoot me down the stairs head-first. everything was cool.

end result? christmastime arrived in the o'kelley house. it doesn't feel like christmas until the tree is up. until there are no presents under the tree and i begin to panic about my shopping habits. i always want to do better. i don't operate well as a procrastinator. this year, i have several items already in mind to buy, and it's still early december. i am ahead of my own curve, so that's a good thing.

sunday morning was interesting at church. mainly due to the fact that one of my buddies from the softball team made his first trip to humc with the purpose of participating in the worship service. his wife has been coming for some time now, but nasty has never felt the urge to come. i don't know if he felt the "urge" this week as much as his wife urged him to tag along, but it felt good nonetheless. i tried to contain myself and not make too big a deal about it. i poked him in the ribs before he sat down, but then we just talked about the football game and acted as normal as we ever do. i had a hard time concentrating during the service, because my mind wandered to what i've been doing at the church with our men's softball teams and basketball teams for so many years. people will come up and tell me that they weren't even aware that we had teams or did such things. i guess that's my fault to some degree. while i was on staff, i pimped both ministries pretty hard in my weekly column from time to time, but it can be hard to read the messenger and soak it in if coupons come in the mailbox on the same day. i get it. no hard feelings. since i've left, both ministries have probably happened under the radar, and that's too bad. both are made up of groups of guys that have established themselves as regulars over the last seven or eight years, but we are pretty friendly to new faces. maybe that'll be one of my new year's resolutions this year. to raise awareness of there being two groups of men affiliated with our church, and have been for years, that you don't know about. that have been carrying the flag of humc across their chest and representing the idea that our church is still big enough to organize teams and men into functioning bodies of faith that aren't always directly tied to our sanctuary. after all, you may have seen these men cooking hamburgers for you and didn't notice. you may have walked past them at a halloween carnival. you may have tripped over them at a halo lock-in or bumped into them when our youth were with their youth. their monies have coursed through the veins of our budget. their time spent in our small group classroom of a softball field or gym may not have always translated to a trip to worship on sunday morning (it has sometimes), but one did sunday. and that was pretty cool. seven years of planting seeds brought one nasty to church. who knows if he'll come back. who really cares? his being there for one day and his family having already plugged into our church is cause for celebration. maybe when the messenger expands by a page, i'll lobby for a "better know a humc athlete" section from time to time, and you can come see us play. poorly. maybe.

on a more somber note, caroline doesn't know who i am anymore. my excitement to see her yesterday was met with the look of "who the hell are you and you better not put your damn hands on me." it was heartwarming. thankfully, hannah and her sweet self made up for the lack of love with her want for all kinds of daddy time. she said something very smart and clever as we put her to bed last night and it felt like all was right in the world. sarah assures me that caroline was like this all weekend, which doesn't make me feel a lot better since she was with people that she didn't know for three days. hence, my point. here's hoping she comes around. i'll keep trying to be nice to her and make her laugh and love her and maybe sometime before christmas, she'll let me pick her up again without screaming like i am sticking knives into her pretty baby eyes.

after all, it's christmastime, right? time for joy. time for love. time for really expensive presents. time for chamber choirs and church basketball. time for parties. time for church, "church" and more church. time for stress. time for "righting wrongs". time for something that i am sure i'll forget. time for messes. time for cleaning up. time for "god. i am tired." time for fake smiles. time for healing. time for santa. time for worry. time for food. time for you. time for me. time for birthdays. time for disappointment. time for jesus. time for reasons. and seasons. and hallmark cards. time for cliches. time for re-gifting. time for us to get our head out of our ass.

please remember me, caroline.