on this, the day of my 100th post


my posting continues to become more and more prolific each passing year. surely, i am no full-time blogger. i am not nearly as dedicated or invested as i wish i could be. but, with each passing trip around the sun, i do include in my yearly goals and wants to "write more" and, up to this point in time, have achieved that goal. albeit not directly related to the mission of this site, i do take some pride in the fact that, if you are for some silly reason interested in my blog, you have been given something new to chew on every 3.66 or so days of this year.

those thing's import to your life are debatable, but very likely they are worth very little. insofar as that is the case, i can't help but be honored by those among you that choose to come back every now and again. 'tis absurd and self-serving, but i am thankful for you all.

there would be a natural and probably predictable evolution to HACAM even if i were to never receive feedback. i could disallow comments, disregard emails and put a finger to your lips if you were to ever try and speak a word about a post to me, face to face. i could do all those things and things would change here. the tone would wax and wane. the emphasis on certain things would fall to the side or go away entirely. the site would always be different, because i would always be different. but if there has been one reward to my choice of putting this note to hannah and caroline in a public forum, it has been this. no longer are the thoughts and sounds and visuals here dynamic and organic because i am, but there are layers upon layers of life to it that i didn't expect way back in 2005. and those layers are you. your influence. your criticism. your support. your reaction. your opinion. your take. all of it has molded this site into something that it wasn't intended to be but something that it was always meant to be. no longer (nor has it been for a while) is what you read here solely a reflection on how i see my children's world. a living, breathing organism this is now, with many eyes and many ears and many mirrors and many reflections for so many of you are taken into account when something removes it's way from my mind and makes it's way here. and it is wonderful.

it didn't begin that way. it many ways, i began this blog as a means of spiting those things that i heard and saw and felt from others. in many ways, it was me retreating inward by projecting outward and letting my new baby girl serve as my avoidance's guide to somewhere more peaceful and calm.

but i don't retreat anymore. and i have never felt more healthy and whole. yes, things and baggage have been dropped and will be dropped along the way, but to be healthy, some bad habits must be left in the past. and the reason i do not retreat, i believe with all of my heart, is because of you.

and to you, those that have "encouraged this blogging" for over three years now, i say a "merry christmas" and "thank you". i apologize for the posts that were poorly written or that didn't make good sense (most likely, all of them). i apologize for my irrational interest in alabama football. and i apologize if my cursing has made you blush or think less of me. but let's not kid ourselves. you are not buying a 2009 audi s5 with me. i am a fairly accurate personification of the maroon 1988 dodge aries that i used to drive. and that thing freaking sucked.

thank you for making HACAM more than it ever should have been. by the time the girls get old enough to waste their own time here, maybe, just maybe, it will have been worth the wait.