let's get this party started
(time to perpetuate/fall victim to the hype)
((bcs title game, part one))
"independence bowl: georgia was not a particularly good team in the SEC this season, and yet they destroyed a texas a&m team that was able to score all over texas. apply a transitive property for the BCS title game as you see fit"... - (thanks, dan shanoff)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
the color of urine
(2009 year in review)
((the curse of dcd))
this might not be as relevant a topic for my female readers (at least those that pee sitting down, wipe and never inspect their urine the way that men, by nature, are accustomed to doing), and for that, i apologize. but the question is this. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? if you are anything like me, pre-june, not very much. if it comes/came out extraordinarily yellow, one might think to themself, "man, i should drink more water." if it comes/came out extraordinarily clear, one might think to themself, "man, i've been drinking a lot of water." and that's about it, right? it was for me. for 32 and a half years, going to the bathroom standing up was about as unexciting a part of my day as it would be for any other human being.
and then, i peed blood.
the night in question was rather unremarkable. a pretty normal monday night as monday nights go. i played softball. have zero recollection as to whether or not we won (the trauma that would follow has rendered those events rather meaningless). i was probably dehydrated as i always was and had been before that night. i never drank water. always drank coke. probably quenched my thirst, post-game, with something carbonated. i half-way cleaned up. was ready for bed. went to the bathroom.
and then, i peed blood.
having never done so before, you can imagine my surprise. i went and got sarah, we went downstairs and started to google. i didn't even know what to be afraid of, but i was wishing that it was a one time thing. a figment of my imagination. we saw several options online, i calmed down enough to go to bed and sleep for a bit. i got up, nervously walked into the bathroom...
and then, i peed blood. again.
so, you are saying that something was off?
i called the doctor and you've heard the story since then. i was treated for an infection. i drank tons of water. things seemed to clear up. maybe they were right. maybe it was just "a really bad infection." several days passed. i started to feel better. one day remaining of my antibiotics. woke up six days after the initial incident thinking i had dodged a bullet.
and then i peed blood.
dammit.
"normal sized..."
"this is not."
"...mass."
"come back monday with your wife, and we'll talk about a plan."
"am i going to die?"
"no."
"you're sure??? i'm gonna make it?"
"we've got some work to do, but you are going to make it."
surgery.
day after.
"it was what we thought it was."
"renal cell carcinoma."
"completely isolated."
"totally contained."
"you can celebrate."
what the fuck just happened?
recovery.
sore.
dizzy.
scared.
getting stronger.
start to go crazy.
i am crazy.
seeing spots.
vision exam.
glasses (that i don't wear).
no eye tumors.
have a brainscan.
no tumor.
still feel crazy.
chest x-ray.
"results...negative"
get medicine.
start feeling a little better.
my elbow hurts.
what's that thing in my neck?
"it's a gland. or a lymph node."
"you are fine."
i don't believe you.
"you are going to be fine."
we'll see.
back to the original question. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? since that night in mid-june, i do every time.
every. single. time.
the intensity with which i anticipate going to the bathroom is knee-buckling at times. what if i pee blood again??? i only have one kidney now. i don't have a safety net. i am too young. i don't want to lose my family. i am not ready to die. I AM NOT READY TO DIE!!! WHY AM I SHAKING AGAIN? WHY AM I YELLING AT MY DAUGHTERS?
snap out of it, kevin...
please. chill the fuck out.
ok. i'll try. god help me. let 2010 be different. let 2010 be something else. let it be a celebration of the life i was taking for granted. let it be the first step in being prepared to handle something like this in a healthier fashion (for all involved) than i was able to this year.
let's rewind.
1) be a serviceable lay leader - well, serviceable was about as good as i can rank myself here. many pastors claim that the first year in their congregation isn't about doing as much as it is learning and getting to know their congregation. i tried to take the same approach, myself. i made all but one sprc meeting. i didn't miss a finance meeting. co-chaired a relatively smooth nominating process. took in a whole lot. didn't speak out of turn once. offered several opinions on things i thought important. didn't pick any fights. left some on the table. got through a fairly easy pastor transition. set my eyes upon being more proactive and visible in the coming year. all of which leaves me with what? a passing grade? yeah, i would think so. there are probably some that would still argue that i and my sunday school class had way too much to do with a pastor and some "key" members tucking tail, but i would argue that no one makes you leave a church. if there is a problem, it's a "you" problem as colin cowherd would put it. that's for another post. now, if my sunday school class and i can just shake this damned curse. more on that later.
2) don't die - i have shuddered every time i've gone back and read this since june. for each time this has made the list the last few years, it's been with tongue planted firmly in cheek. it will be number one with a bullet next year, but for very different reasons and with very different thought behind it. not that not dying was never important. it was. it just wasn't until this year that it sunk it that is was going to happen to me sometime. and maybe if i hadn't peed blood, it would have happened a lot sooner than later. shudder. nevertheless, if i am lucky enough to claim this as my second chance, things will be different moving forward in a major way. "don't die"??? check. goodness.
3) buy a motorcycle - in an ironic twist of fate attached to my losing a kidney, my doctor only set two limitations on my life moving forward when i asked him what i would have to change. "no motorcycles. no trampolines." if that means not meeting my maker for a long time, you just tell me where to sign, dr. wade. anybody got a pen?
4) speaking of my brother... - this one resolved to spend more time with brian, because my life is a better place when he is close and in it. unfortunately, the only time i saw him was when he made the trip to see me through my surgery. i am not sure if he or i imagined that he'd be helping me out of a hospital bed in 2009, but he never thought twice about coming. and i love him for that, even if i couldn't make this resolution happen.
5) don't get fat - mostly thanks to the extreme amounts of weight that i lost worrying about my condition and not eating for three days after the surgery, this one gets a check in the "success" column. i am hopeful that next year weighs more on my healthy habits (better diet, continued exercise) moreso than another trip to the operating table.
6) handle hannah's transition to kindergarten with dignity and respect - really, i handled this quite well. in truth, her going to school fell victim to my selfish state of mind when it came around at the beginning of august. i was only beginning to lose my mind, and, while it seemed sad and wonderful at the same time that she would be going to school, i didn't have it in me to shed vast amounts of time and energy worrying about her being ok. or mommy being ok. or my being ok. truth be told, she handled it better than anybody, and that's the way it was always going to be.
7) handle alabama's growing pains in 2009 with dignity and respect - lost a senior quarterback? starting running back? three starters off the offensive line, including two all-americans? who cares, right? i am so glad i was wrong on this one. this alabama football season has meant more to my mental healing than i probably even know. jan. 7th is very close now.
8) be more intentional about finding time for my friends - for the most part, an unfortunate fail must be registered on this one. sure, i saw kiker at softball and on several occasions outside of that, but circumstances dealt my want to see andy more a cruel blow and chris perry and i never hooked up. i found and find them on facebook now and the temptation to let that be good enough will be hard to fight. as i mentioned in january, i know we are "busy", but jeez. i saw one football game with the boys all together this year??? one??? one can hope that the national championship game will provide the means to make up for lost time. i will say, though, that there are and were beautiful exceptions to this rule. i feel like i got to spend a lot of good time with amy and katie, and let me be brutally honest for a second. i could not have made it through the year without my sunday school class. to kathy, brad, donald, tanya, chris, melinda, kim and deb...thank you for inviting me and sarah into your fold. thanks for putting up with all my sarcastic and inappropriate comments and language. thank you for your support. and thank you for your friendship. i would have always done anything for you if you had asked, but now i look forward to those opportunities. i love you all. now if we could only get past that curse. more on that later.
9) introduce other voices to HACAM - this started off with a bang. i appreciate rebecca and kiker's contributions. things waned heavily in my making it a priority, though, in the latter 3/4ths of the year, but this is still going to happen. this blog is going to feel a lot different next year. and that's a first glimpse of one resolution for 2010.
10) don't let the church consume me - you know. i made this work. i do feel like we are there every time the doors open again. and i was at a lot of meetings, events, etc. maybe because we did it more as a family than when i was on staff, but this year will provide a good template for next year and hopefully many years after that.
and now...saying good-bye to the curse of dcd.
i am not very well versed on being the victim of a curse. perhaps, you don't know that you are, in fact, cursed until you come out the other side. let's take a look at certain proverbial stones that struck the heads of the weeds class in 2009.
cancer.
the death of a husband/father/friend.
the celebration of a newborn child tempered by the realization that something is amiss.
the passing of the mother of one of our emeritus members.
why did all of this happen to us? was it because we didn't get along very well with the previous pastor and he has used his black magic, upon leaving, to ruin our lives? well, that's my theory, but i am rarely (and by "rarely" i mean usually) right about anything.
were we just unlucky? maybe in some terms. in others, though...
i lost a kidney, but not my life.
our class was blessed with healthy twins and a fighter in the mighty noah that will make all of us, most especially his incredible parents, better human beings.
one of us was a serviceable lay leader.
one of us rejoined our church's staff.
one of us will manage our facility with a strong, yet humble, hand.
one of us (with the help of the rest of us) will always make vbs rock even if she says this year is her last year.
one of us is now a city councilperson and can get me free stuff (oh yeah, and change her church AND her city for the better)
one of us continues to make our daycare a place worthy of a waiting list.
one of us championed our children, challenged our council and then led the way by shepherding our many faces of our future, herself.
one of us will bring our worship technology into the current millenia.
one of us will set an example for all our of church's mothers through the trials she has and will continue to overcome at home.
one of us, with his "questions", got this ball rolling.
were we cursed after june? as far as this blog was concerned, um, yes. absolutely.
in reality, crappy things happened, but lessons in perspective through the victories that we enjoyed together will forge, for us, a brighter tomorrow. that's a promise.
good riddance, 2009. don't let propaghandi hit you on the way out. because they will hit you. hit you in the face with my best record of the year.
2009...
the end of my world as i knew it.
(2009 year in review)
((the curse of dcd))
this might not be as relevant a topic for my female readers (at least those that pee sitting down, wipe and never inspect their urine the way that men, by nature, are accustomed to doing), and for that, i apologize. but the question is this. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? if you are anything like me, pre-june, not very much. if it comes/came out extraordinarily yellow, one might think to themself, "man, i should drink more water." if it comes/came out extraordinarily clear, one might think to themself, "man, i've been drinking a lot of water." and that's about it, right? it was for me. for 32 and a half years, going to the bathroom standing up was about as unexciting a part of my day as it would be for any other human being.
and then, i peed blood.
the night in question was rather unremarkable. a pretty normal monday night as monday nights go. i played softball. have zero recollection as to whether or not we won (the trauma that would follow has rendered those events rather meaningless). i was probably dehydrated as i always was and had been before that night. i never drank water. always drank coke. probably quenched my thirst, post-game, with something carbonated. i half-way cleaned up. was ready for bed. went to the bathroom.
and then, i peed blood.
having never done so before, you can imagine my surprise. i went and got sarah, we went downstairs and started to google. i didn't even know what to be afraid of, but i was wishing that it was a one time thing. a figment of my imagination. we saw several options online, i calmed down enough to go to bed and sleep for a bit. i got up, nervously walked into the bathroom...
and then, i peed blood. again.
so, you are saying that something was off?
i called the doctor and you've heard the story since then. i was treated for an infection. i drank tons of water. things seemed to clear up. maybe they were right. maybe it was just "a really bad infection." several days passed. i started to feel better. one day remaining of my antibiotics. woke up six days after the initial incident thinking i had dodged a bullet.
and then i peed blood.
dammit.
"normal sized..."
"this is not."
"...mass."
"come back monday with your wife, and we'll talk about a plan."
"am i going to die?"
"no."
"you're sure??? i'm gonna make it?"
"we've got some work to do, but you are going to make it."
surgery.
day after.
"it was what we thought it was."
"renal cell carcinoma."
"completely isolated."
"totally contained."
"you can celebrate."
what the fuck just happened?
recovery.
sore.
dizzy.
scared.
getting stronger.
start to go crazy.
i am crazy.
seeing spots.
vision exam.
glasses (that i don't wear).
no eye tumors.
have a brainscan.
no tumor.
still feel crazy.
chest x-ray.
"results...negative"
get medicine.
start feeling a little better.
my elbow hurts.
what's that thing in my neck?
"it's a gland. or a lymph node."
"you are fine."
i don't believe you.
"you are going to be fine."
we'll see.
back to the original question. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? since that night in mid-june, i do every time.
every. single. time.
the intensity with which i anticipate going to the bathroom is knee-buckling at times. what if i pee blood again??? i only have one kidney now. i don't have a safety net. i am too young. i don't want to lose my family. i am not ready to die. I AM NOT READY TO DIE!!! WHY AM I SHAKING AGAIN? WHY AM I YELLING AT MY DAUGHTERS?
snap out of it, kevin...
please. chill the fuck out.
ok. i'll try. god help me. let 2010 be different. let 2010 be something else. let it be a celebration of the life i was taking for granted. let it be the first step in being prepared to handle something like this in a healthier fashion (for all involved) than i was able to this year.
let's rewind.
1) be a serviceable lay leader - well, serviceable was about as good as i can rank myself here. many pastors claim that the first year in their congregation isn't about doing as much as it is learning and getting to know their congregation. i tried to take the same approach, myself. i made all but one sprc meeting. i didn't miss a finance meeting. co-chaired a relatively smooth nominating process. took in a whole lot. didn't speak out of turn once. offered several opinions on things i thought important. didn't pick any fights. left some on the table. got through a fairly easy pastor transition. set my eyes upon being more proactive and visible in the coming year. all of which leaves me with what? a passing grade? yeah, i would think so. there are probably some that would still argue that i and my sunday school class had way too much to do with a pastor and some "key" members tucking tail, but i would argue that no one makes you leave a church. if there is a problem, it's a "you" problem as colin cowherd would put it. that's for another post. now, if my sunday school class and i can just shake this damned curse. more on that later.
2) don't die - i have shuddered every time i've gone back and read this since june. for each time this has made the list the last few years, it's been with tongue planted firmly in cheek. it will be number one with a bullet next year, but for very different reasons and with very different thought behind it. not that not dying was never important. it was. it just wasn't until this year that it sunk it that is was going to happen to me sometime. and maybe if i hadn't peed blood, it would have happened a lot sooner than later. shudder. nevertheless, if i am lucky enough to claim this as my second chance, things will be different moving forward in a major way. "don't die"??? check. goodness.
3) buy a motorcycle - in an ironic twist of fate attached to my losing a kidney, my doctor only set two limitations on my life moving forward when i asked him what i would have to change. "no motorcycles. no trampolines." if that means not meeting my maker for a long time, you just tell me where to sign, dr. wade. anybody got a pen?
4) speaking of my brother... - this one resolved to spend more time with brian, because my life is a better place when he is close and in it. unfortunately, the only time i saw him was when he made the trip to see me through my surgery. i am not sure if he or i imagined that he'd be helping me out of a hospital bed in 2009, but he never thought twice about coming. and i love him for that, even if i couldn't make this resolution happen.
5) don't get fat - mostly thanks to the extreme amounts of weight that i lost worrying about my condition and not eating for three days after the surgery, this one gets a check in the "success" column. i am hopeful that next year weighs more on my healthy habits (better diet, continued exercise) moreso than another trip to the operating table.
6) handle hannah's transition to kindergarten with dignity and respect - really, i handled this quite well. in truth, her going to school fell victim to my selfish state of mind when it came around at the beginning of august. i was only beginning to lose my mind, and, while it seemed sad and wonderful at the same time that she would be going to school, i didn't have it in me to shed vast amounts of time and energy worrying about her being ok. or mommy being ok. or my being ok. truth be told, she handled it better than anybody, and that's the way it was always going to be.
7) handle alabama's growing pains in 2009 with dignity and respect - lost a senior quarterback? starting running back? three starters off the offensive line, including two all-americans? who cares, right? i am so glad i was wrong on this one. this alabama football season has meant more to my mental healing than i probably even know. jan. 7th is very close now.
8) be more intentional about finding time for my friends - for the most part, an unfortunate fail must be registered on this one. sure, i saw kiker at softball and on several occasions outside of that, but circumstances dealt my want to see andy more a cruel blow and chris perry and i never hooked up. i found and find them on facebook now and the temptation to let that be good enough will be hard to fight. as i mentioned in january, i know we are "busy", but jeez. i saw one football game with the boys all together this year??? one??? one can hope that the national championship game will provide the means to make up for lost time. i will say, though, that there are and were beautiful exceptions to this rule. i feel like i got to spend a lot of good time with amy and katie, and let me be brutally honest for a second. i could not have made it through the year without my sunday school class. to kathy, brad, donald, tanya, chris, melinda, kim and deb...thank you for inviting me and sarah into your fold. thanks for putting up with all my sarcastic and inappropriate comments and language. thank you for your support. and thank you for your friendship. i would have always done anything for you if you had asked, but now i look forward to those opportunities. i love you all. now if we could only get past that curse. more on that later.
9) introduce other voices to HACAM - this started off with a bang. i appreciate rebecca and kiker's contributions. things waned heavily in my making it a priority, though, in the latter 3/4ths of the year, but this is still going to happen. this blog is going to feel a lot different next year. and that's a first glimpse of one resolution for 2010.
10) don't let the church consume me - you know. i made this work. i do feel like we are there every time the doors open again. and i was at a lot of meetings, events, etc. maybe because we did it more as a family than when i was on staff, but this year will provide a good template for next year and hopefully many years after that.
and now...saying good-bye to the curse of dcd.
i am not very well versed on being the victim of a curse. perhaps, you don't know that you are, in fact, cursed until you come out the other side. let's take a look at certain proverbial stones that struck the heads of the weeds class in 2009.
cancer.
the death of a husband/father/friend.
the celebration of a newborn child tempered by the realization that something is amiss.
the passing of the mother of one of our emeritus members.
why did all of this happen to us? was it because we didn't get along very well with the previous pastor and he has used his black magic, upon leaving, to ruin our lives? well, that's my theory, but i am rarely (and by "rarely" i mean usually) right about anything.
were we just unlucky? maybe in some terms. in others, though...
i lost a kidney, but not my life.
our class was blessed with healthy twins and a fighter in the mighty noah that will make all of us, most especially his incredible parents, better human beings.
one of us was a serviceable lay leader.
one of us rejoined our church's staff.
one of us will manage our facility with a strong, yet humble, hand.
one of us (with the help of the rest of us) will always make vbs rock even if she says this year is her last year.
one of us is now a city councilperson and can get me free stuff (oh yeah, and change her church AND her city for the better)
one of us continues to make our daycare a place worthy of a waiting list.
one of us championed our children, challenged our council and then led the way by shepherding our many faces of our future, herself.
one of us will bring our worship technology into the current millenia.
one of us will set an example for all our of church's mothers through the trials she has and will continue to overcome at home.
one of us, with his "questions", got this ball rolling.
were we cursed after june? as far as this blog was concerned, um, yes. absolutely.
in reality, crappy things happened, but lessons in perspective through the victories that we enjoyed together will forge, for us, a brighter tomorrow. that's a promise.
good riddance, 2009. don't let propaghandi hit you on the way out. because they will hit you. hit you in the face with my best record of the year.
2009...
the end of my world as i knew it.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
catheters
of all the years in my life, i don't have gratuitous amounts of memories from any. there are reasons for this. and then are reasons for this. for whatever reason, though, the way that i see myself looking back is like staring deeply at a 1000 piece puzzle of an ocean, only 900 pieces are missing. i have enough of it to cobble together the "big picture", but the facts of the matter are so few and far between that i am left with a great bit of grey area to fill in the blanks in other ways. pictures. stories. songs. family. now facebook. i'd like to think, looking backwards, that the way i represent my history is mostly accurate, but i would be more of a liar than i already am if i said there wasn't a good bit of revisioning in the process. for better or worse, leading up to june 2009, what you got of me was a fragmented understanding of my former self with a bent towards growing up to being a better husband, father and friend. that's it.
maybe this is how it has always worked. with everybody. but the last six months, i have a feeling, may singe their way into my own long-range planning unlike any six month span of my so called life.
"what you are looking at here is your left kidney. this is what a normal sized kidney looks like."
<nods, approves>
"this is not."
<oh, ...shit>
one of the more vivid memories from my stay in the hospital was the morning after my first night. the friday following the surgery, sarah had gone home to get the girls ready for their day. amy had stopped in to see me on her (out of the) way home from work. a couple girls from jeff. st.'s nursing program came into my room. they asked me for permission to take out my catheter. nervously, i looked over at amy (a nurse, herself) and asked if i should think handing over to them my permission would be ok. she shrugged at me and said that it should be fine, and so i said "yes." the girls left the room for a minute and amy and i were able to talk about what was going to happen.
"don't worry", she said. "anybody can do it."
what???
well, ok.
the nurse-in-training and her supervisor came back into the room to do their thing. evidently, the process goes like this. deflate the balloon that's been forced up into your bladder, pull tube out. easy-bake oven easy as that. i guess the nurse-in-training handbook didn't mention that, if the patient has just had an organ pulled out of his belly-button area, she shouldn't use the patient's abdomen area for leverage. not that she was balancing her entire weight on me, but she pushed down just hard enough to make everything between my navel and what-felt-like my neck spasm. i groaned. the nurse jumped, sure that she had hurt me with whatever they were attempting to do "down there". she hadn't, but i was ready for them to finish and leave. now.
finish, they did. i think amy had left the room for them to do the deed. my memory goes grey at this point again. but, in that moment, i knew something major had happened to my body. what i didn't know was how long it would take me to get back to where i once was.
i am still waiting.
sure, i am perfect push-upping again. crunching. lifting. i can carry whatever whomever needs carried to their car. hell, i am even sleeping some now.
but i am not back to where i once was. maybe i never will be. and maybe that's the point.
kiker had some surgery a couple nights ago. scared me to death. even got his own catheter story that i can't wait to hear. what? is something wrong with that?
the latter half of this year has been a rough one. rough enough that i think i am going to remember an awful lot of it. and i am not sure that's a good thing.
to be continued...
of all the years in my life, i don't have gratuitous amounts of memories from any. there are reasons for this. and then are reasons for this. for whatever reason, though, the way that i see myself looking back is like staring deeply at a 1000 piece puzzle of an ocean, only 900 pieces are missing. i have enough of it to cobble together the "big picture", but the facts of the matter are so few and far between that i am left with a great bit of grey area to fill in the blanks in other ways. pictures. stories. songs. family. now facebook. i'd like to think, looking backwards, that the way i represent my history is mostly accurate, but i would be more of a liar than i already am if i said there wasn't a good bit of revisioning in the process. for better or worse, leading up to june 2009, what you got of me was a fragmented understanding of my former self with a bent towards growing up to being a better husband, father and friend. that's it.
maybe this is how it has always worked. with everybody. but the last six months, i have a feeling, may singe their way into my own long-range planning unlike any six month span of my so called life.
"what you are looking at here is your left kidney. this is what a normal sized kidney looks like."
<nods, approves>
"this is not."
<oh, ...shit>
one of the more vivid memories from my stay in the hospital was the morning after my first night. the friday following the surgery, sarah had gone home to get the girls ready for their day. amy had stopped in to see me on her (out of the) way home from work. a couple girls from jeff. st.'s nursing program came into my room. they asked me for permission to take out my catheter. nervously, i looked over at amy (a nurse, herself) and asked if i should think handing over to them my permission would be ok. she shrugged at me and said that it should be fine, and so i said "yes." the girls left the room for a minute and amy and i were able to talk about what was going to happen.
"don't worry", she said. "anybody can do it."
what???
well, ok.
the nurse-in-training and her supervisor came back into the room to do their thing. evidently, the process goes like this. deflate the balloon that's been forced up into your bladder, pull tube out. easy-bake oven easy as that. i guess the nurse-in-training handbook didn't mention that, if the patient has just had an organ pulled out of his belly-button area, she shouldn't use the patient's abdomen area for leverage. not that she was balancing her entire weight on me, but she pushed down just hard enough to make everything between my navel and what-felt-like my neck spasm. i groaned. the nurse jumped, sure that she had hurt me with whatever they were attempting to do "down there". she hadn't, but i was ready for them to finish and leave. now.
finish, they did. i think amy had left the room for them to do the deed. my memory goes grey at this point again. but, in that moment, i knew something major had happened to my body. what i didn't know was how long it would take me to get back to where i once was.
i am still waiting.
sure, i am perfect push-upping again. crunching. lifting. i can carry whatever whomever needs carried to their car. hell, i am even sleeping some now.
but i am not back to where i once was. maybe i never will be. and maybe that's the point.
kiker had some surgery a couple nights ago. scared me to death. even got his own catheter story that i can't wait to hear. what? is something wrong with that?
the latter half of this year has been a rough one. rough enough that i think i am going to remember an awful lot of it. and i am not sure that's a good thing.
to be continued...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
holy crap.
i thought this was well worth a post of its own versus a second "update" on the one below.
all six crimson tiders named to the sporting news first, second or third teams were named to the ap's first team.
ingram (unanimous)
mcclain (unanimous)
johnson
cody
javy
tiffin
mark barron was named to third-team ap.
just incredible.
i thought this was well worth a post of its own versus a second "update" on the one below.
all six crimson tiders named to the sporting news first, second or third teams were named to the ap's first team.
ingram (unanimous)
mcclain (unanimous)
johnson
cody
javy
tiffin
mark barron was named to third-team ap.
just incredible.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
the last lonely night for a while
it's been a while since i took much time to write about my anxiety/paranoia. i can thank alabama football for that. even though there is no coincidence between the color scheme of this blog and its subject matter for 90 percent of the last two month's posts, even i couldn't have predicted how taken i've become with this team that has a chance to complete one of, if not, the most special season in the history of the storied program. mark ingram's win last night secured that potential. an undefeated regular season. a sec title. a butkus winner. a heisman winner. how many first or second team all-americans will they have? four? five??? the chance at knocking off 4 top ten teams if they can take care of business on jan. 7. wouldn't that seal it? that would have to be the most accomplished team ever, right? i'll bow to some of the older readers of this blog to correct me if i am wrong. for this 33 year-old, though, i think 2009 could be the best. ever.
(UPDATE: 12/15/09 - the answer from the sporting news was, in fact, five. ingram, rolando, johnson...first team. cody and javy...second team. kiffin made third team. wow.)
and due to that and the momentum of excitement i've felt over the last month and a half following the epic ending of the tennessee game, i've almost forgotten about that constant feeling that i was going to die any minute. or somewhere close down the road, but i just hadn't been told how close yet.
maybe it's the time factor. i am now almost five full months removed from my surgery. on top of that, i am, what, over ten weeks into a cycle of medication that is helping me to control some of my irrational urges and thoughts. maybe it's the clean brain scan. the clean chest x-ray. the continuing love and support and encouragement from those closest to me that i am, indeed, ok. that i was one of the lucky ones. lucky enough to have found something bad inside of me before it got worse. or too bad. i am trying to believe it. every day i am. and every day i get better at it. please god, tell me i am not fooling myself. please tell me the follow-up scan in about a month is going to give me more reassurance. is this a selfish request? of course it is. i am a selfish bastard most of the time. at least, i feel that way inside.
the girls have been away this weekend, and tonight is my third and last night to sleep in the house by myself. it's been better than the last time sarah was away. those days i didn't sleep much at all. that was before the medicine was fully flowing through my veins. that was then. this is now. now, i am not as scared to go upstairs to bed as much as i plain don't want to. today was a good day, all things considered.
i am starting to put my thoughts together for what, i am sure, will be the most emotional year end post i've put together since this thing started four years ago. confronting that which i've been avoiding the last couple of weeks has been unnerving at times, but also, probably, good for me. i don't know if i am ready to own the idea of being a "survivor" yet, but i am reaching a point where i am not afraid to be alive. that, in and of itself, is a good thing.
i am gonna try and get that done before friday. we'll see if it happens. i'd like to make this bama central come friday when the football team begins preparing for their biggest game in seventeen years. i want to year-end sooner rather than later, so i can be as annoying and single-minded as possible leading up to our national championship game bash.
having said that, i'll try not to forget that christmas is coming. and a big girl birthday. there will be some of that included too.
"to the end, to the end, i'll journey to the end. to the end, to the end, i'll journey to the end. to the eeennnddd, eeeennnnddd. to the end, to the end, i'll journey to the end."
it's been a while since i took much time to write about my anxiety/paranoia. i can thank alabama football for that. even though there is no coincidence between the color scheme of this blog and its subject matter for 90 percent of the last two month's posts, even i couldn't have predicted how taken i've become with this team that has a chance to complete one of, if not, the most special season in the history of the storied program. mark ingram's win last night secured that potential. an undefeated regular season. a sec title. a butkus winner. a heisman winner. how many first or second team all-americans will they have? four? five??? the chance at knocking off 4 top ten teams if they can take care of business on jan. 7. wouldn't that seal it? that would have to be the most accomplished team ever, right? i'll bow to some of the older readers of this blog to correct me if i am wrong. for this 33 year-old, though, i think 2009 could be the best. ever.
(UPDATE: 12/15/09 - the answer from the sporting news was, in fact, five. ingram, rolando, johnson...first team. cody and javy...second team. kiffin made third team. wow.)
and due to that and the momentum of excitement i've felt over the last month and a half following the epic ending of the tennessee game, i've almost forgotten about that constant feeling that i was going to die any minute. or somewhere close down the road, but i just hadn't been told how close yet.
maybe it's the time factor. i am now almost five full months removed from my surgery. on top of that, i am, what, over ten weeks into a cycle of medication that is helping me to control some of my irrational urges and thoughts. maybe it's the clean brain scan. the clean chest x-ray. the continuing love and support and encouragement from those closest to me that i am, indeed, ok. that i was one of the lucky ones. lucky enough to have found something bad inside of me before it got worse. or too bad. i am trying to believe it. every day i am. and every day i get better at it. please god, tell me i am not fooling myself. please tell me the follow-up scan in about a month is going to give me more reassurance. is this a selfish request? of course it is. i am a selfish bastard most of the time. at least, i feel that way inside.
the girls have been away this weekend, and tonight is my third and last night to sleep in the house by myself. it's been better than the last time sarah was away. those days i didn't sleep much at all. that was before the medicine was fully flowing through my veins. that was then. this is now. now, i am not as scared to go upstairs to bed as much as i plain don't want to. today was a good day, all things considered.
i am starting to put my thoughts together for what, i am sure, will be the most emotional year end post i've put together since this thing started four years ago. confronting that which i've been avoiding the last couple of weeks has been unnerving at times, but also, probably, good for me. i don't know if i am ready to own the idea of being a "survivor" yet, but i am reaching a point where i am not afraid to be alive. that, in and of itself, is a good thing.
i am gonna try and get that done before friday. we'll see if it happens. i'd like to make this bama central come friday when the football team begins preparing for their biggest game in seventeen years. i want to year-end sooner rather than later, so i can be as annoying and single-minded as possible leading up to our national championship game bash.
having said that, i'll try not to forget that christmas is coming. and a big girl birthday. there will be some of that included too.
"to the end, to the end, i'll journey to the end. to the end, to the end, i'll journey to the end. to the eeennnddd, eeeennnnddd. to the end, to the end, i'll journey to the end."
Saturday, December 12, 2009
thank you, tommy craggs
my favorite writer over at deadspin finally plays the voice of reason versus this whole undercurrent of ndamukong "SUUUUUUHHHHHHH" is now the greatest player in the history of the college football universe nonsense.
listen, i am on record saying this guy is awesome. how many games did his team lose again? i think three (suh, ingram, mccoy) of the five finalists could make winning arguments. i have this fear, though, that this guy is going down the path of being the next mario williams. remember him? probably not.
anyway, best line(s) of the post.
"How silly is Heisman voting? We're swapping recency bias for skill-position bias and rightly calling it a huge step forward. Tune it tomorrow to see which cognitive handicap wins!"
my favorite writer over at deadspin finally plays the voice of reason versus this whole undercurrent of ndamukong "SUUUUUUHHHHHHH" is now the greatest player in the history of the college football universe nonsense.
listen, i am on record saying this guy is awesome. how many games did his team lose again? i think three (suh, ingram, mccoy) of the five finalists could make winning arguments. i have this fear, though, that this guy is going down the path of being the next mario williams. remember him? probably not.
anyway, best line(s) of the post.
"How silly is Heisman voting? We're swapping recency bias for skill-position bias and rightly calling it a huge step forward. Tune it tomorrow to see which cognitive handicap wins!"
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
become a fan of mark ingram for heisman
(i am, but i am going to ignore your request)
made a point yesterday on facebook that i thought was worth expounding on here for a few minutes.
did you see the texas/nebraska game saturday night? yeah? me too. i was still coming down off of the high that was the sec championship game. since alabama had nailed down their spot in the title game, i figured it was worth my time as a fan to scout the probable competition, the texas longhorns. for weeks now, the consensus said the bcs title would pit the winner of the sec versus texas. for weeks now, the prediction has been playing out. alabama and florida marched towards their inevitable battle while texas mauled lesser opponents in the lesser conference that is the big 12.
saturday came and mark ingram, who many, if not most (including me!), had written off as a heisman candidate after being shut down by auburn, went off. the key component to the most impressive alabama offensive display this season had the usual tebow worshippers that were calling the game singing ingram's praises. 113 yards rushing. another 79 through the air, including the signature play of the game. the screen pass that answered florida's only touchdown took away any and all momentum the gators had momentarily grasped. all of his abilities were on display. the push through a couple armtackles. the burst of speed that it doesn't look like he should possess. the look of a bowling ball that would be terribly uncomfortable to hit and, thus, halt his rampaging forward momentum. it was all there, and it will be on the tail end of his heisman highlight montage saturday night.
and then came the texas/nebraska game. colt mccoy had made himself the favorite for the heisman on thankgving night against texas a&m, shredding their porous defense for what felt like 500 yards through the air and what felt like another 300 on the ground. he was the heisman frontrunner going into his own conference championship game, only somewhat forgot to tell ndamukong suh. the unstoppable defensive tackle from nebraska single-handedly embarrassed the texas offense. constantly in the backfield, constantly pressuring, if not sacking, the now former frontrunner for the stiff-armed trophy. former because, if you were watching the same game i was and had yet to cast your vote, you could no longer vote for mccoy. if he wasn't even the best player in his own conference, surely he could not be the best player in the country. that game, in spite of colt mccoy being a good to really good college football quarterback, lost him his heisman.
which gets us to the meat of the matter. so, ndamukong suh should win, right? well, he was the best player in that game. and he was certainly better at his job on saturday night than the right side of the texas offensive line was at theirs. but, is he heisman good? maybe. probably even. but therein lies the crux.
how many nebraska games did you watch this year. be honest. was it more than one? two? three? if you say more than three and you are reading this blog, i know you are lying.
how about texas games? did you even watch the texas/oklahoma game? after bradford got hurt, was it worth it? did you watch them thanksgiving night? when, then?
how about stanford? and toby gerhart? they played a terrible notre dame defense on local television two saturdays ago? did you watch him play then? any other times this season?
we all have seen tebow. we saw him saturday night too. ingram was better. that case is closed. that one is easy.
back to the other three candidates. so, what do we base our opinions of them on? their highlights, which, by definition, are highlights. bias. on espn talking heads that probably haven't seen many more of these candidates games than we have? bias. on sports blogs that try and counter mainstream media with more opinion and less hype? bias.
awards like the heisman are silly, just like the polls are silly. what ap poll or coach's poll or harris poll voter sits and watches 25-50 college games every saturday so they can come up with a close to objective sorting of teams. ZERO. how many heisman voters have seen every game of ingram's this year. every carry, block and reception, like i have. almost ZERO. so, how in the world do they vote in these polls? for these awards?
through whatever colored glasses their own personal biases bend them towards. it's as simple as that. and that's why these "big stage" games like we had on saturday are so vital to the measured votes being cast. it's quite unique for a college football team and its players to have the stage to themself. for four teams (we won't count the acc teams. sorry, spiller), they had that stage on saturday. colt mccoy was terrible. suh and ingram were the opposite. most likely, those performances, in the minds of many voters, exemplified what must have been the lion's share of their performances all year. we have enough mccoy highlight packages on espn to convince us otherwise on him, but with only two days between ingram and suh's signature games of their season, it makes perfect sense that they would be the odds-on favorites for the award that will be announced this coming weekend.
i don't want to slight toby gerhart. he is big and fast and white. all of which make for very good tv. i just don't believe his competition against pac-10 defenses was anything close to what ingram faced nine times this year.
why do i think that?
because i didn't see any of his games of course.
roll ingram.
(i am, but i am going to ignore your request)
made a point yesterday on facebook that i thought was worth expounding on here for a few minutes.
did you see the texas/nebraska game saturday night? yeah? me too. i was still coming down off of the high that was the sec championship game. since alabama had nailed down their spot in the title game, i figured it was worth my time as a fan to scout the probable competition, the texas longhorns. for weeks now, the consensus said the bcs title would pit the winner of the sec versus texas. for weeks now, the prediction has been playing out. alabama and florida marched towards their inevitable battle while texas mauled lesser opponents in the lesser conference that is the big 12.
saturday came and mark ingram, who many, if not most (including me!), had written off as a heisman candidate after being shut down by auburn, went off. the key component to the most impressive alabama offensive display this season had the usual tebow worshippers that were calling the game singing ingram's praises. 113 yards rushing. another 79 through the air, including the signature play of the game. the screen pass that answered florida's only touchdown took away any and all momentum the gators had momentarily grasped. all of his abilities were on display. the push through a couple armtackles. the burst of speed that it doesn't look like he should possess. the look of a bowling ball that would be terribly uncomfortable to hit and, thus, halt his rampaging forward momentum. it was all there, and it will be on the tail end of his heisman highlight montage saturday night.
and then came the texas/nebraska game. colt mccoy had made himself the favorite for the heisman on thankgving night against texas a&m, shredding their porous defense for what felt like 500 yards through the air and what felt like another 300 on the ground. he was the heisman frontrunner going into his own conference championship game, only somewhat forgot to tell ndamukong suh. the unstoppable defensive tackle from nebraska single-handedly embarrassed the texas offense. constantly in the backfield, constantly pressuring, if not sacking, the now former frontrunner for the stiff-armed trophy. former because, if you were watching the same game i was and had yet to cast your vote, you could no longer vote for mccoy. if he wasn't even the best player in his own conference, surely he could not be the best player in the country. that game, in spite of colt mccoy being a good to really good college football quarterback, lost him his heisman.
which gets us to the meat of the matter. so, ndamukong suh should win, right? well, he was the best player in that game. and he was certainly better at his job on saturday night than the right side of the texas offensive line was at theirs. but, is he heisman good? maybe. probably even. but therein lies the crux.
how many nebraska games did you watch this year. be honest. was it more than one? two? three? if you say more than three and you are reading this blog, i know you are lying.
how about texas games? did you even watch the texas/oklahoma game? after bradford got hurt, was it worth it? did you watch them thanksgiving night? when, then?
how about stanford? and toby gerhart? they played a terrible notre dame defense on local television two saturdays ago? did you watch him play then? any other times this season?
we all have seen tebow. we saw him saturday night too. ingram was better. that case is closed. that one is easy.
back to the other three candidates. so, what do we base our opinions of them on? their highlights, which, by definition, are highlights. bias. on espn talking heads that probably haven't seen many more of these candidates games than we have? bias. on sports blogs that try and counter mainstream media with more opinion and less hype? bias.
awards like the heisman are silly, just like the polls are silly. what ap poll or coach's poll or harris poll voter sits and watches 25-50 college games every saturday so they can come up with a close to objective sorting of teams. ZERO. how many heisman voters have seen every game of ingram's this year. every carry, block and reception, like i have. almost ZERO. so, how in the world do they vote in these polls? for these awards?
through whatever colored glasses their own personal biases bend them towards. it's as simple as that. and that's why these "big stage" games like we had on saturday are so vital to the measured votes being cast. it's quite unique for a college football team and its players to have the stage to themself. for four teams (we won't count the acc teams. sorry, spiller), they had that stage on saturday. colt mccoy was terrible. suh and ingram were the opposite. most likely, those performances, in the minds of many voters, exemplified what must have been the lion's share of their performances all year. we have enough mccoy highlight packages on espn to convince us otherwise on him, but with only two days between ingram and suh's signature games of their season, it makes perfect sense that they would be the odds-on favorites for the award that will be announced this coming weekend.
i don't want to slight toby gerhart. he is big and fast and white. all of which make for very good tv. i just don't believe his competition against pac-10 defenses was anything close to what ingram faced nine times this year.
why do i think that?
because i didn't see any of his games of course.
roll ingram.
so, yeah. i guess tiger woods is kind of a loser.
sportsnation summed up the cycle of this tiger woods story quite nicely today. in so many words, one of the hosts said that tiger, in the span of 7 to 8 days, has gone from being mythical to scuzzy. just another in a long line of athletes and celebrities that have traded their wealth and fame into whatever their heart might desire. in tiger's case, it seems like he desire(s)d lots and lots of women. yikes.
anyway, the editor at deadspin published this a few hours ago.
it's a fascinatingly disgusting read. i'm going to wash my hands by talking about mark ingram some more.
sportsnation summed up the cycle of this tiger woods story quite nicely today. in so many words, one of the hosts said that tiger, in the span of 7 to 8 days, has gone from being mythical to scuzzy. just another in a long line of athletes and celebrities that have traded their wealth and fame into whatever their heart might desire. in tiger's case, it seems like he desire(s)d lots and lots of women. yikes.
anyway, the editor at deadspin published this a few hours ago.
it's a fascinatingly disgusting read. i'm going to wash my hands by talking about mark ingram some more.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
excellent schadenfreude for those of us convinced that verne and gary may very well be from another planet
(or, at least aboard tim tebow's spaceship)
enjoy.
(or, at least aboard tim tebow's spaceship)
enjoy.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Friday, December 04, 2009
tebow drinking game
(thank you so much(!!!) to jane-ann putman for sending this to me. it is quite full of awesome...say it with me...just like tebow)
In honor of Tebow's sheer awesomeness (gag), we give you the Tebow SEC Championship Drinking Game!
* Drink every time Tebow is called "a warrior." Bonus chug if any of your friends sing Scandal's opus "I am a warrior" and change the lyrics to "Tebow is..." Dance, Tebow, you magnificent bastard.
* Drink every time Tebow's called "a leader," then salute.
* Drink every time Tebow's called a "special athlete," then yell "Tiiiimmmmmmmmay!"
* Finish your drink if the announcers suggest Tebow should win the Heisman again this year.
* Drink every time Tebow points to the sky. Then realize the only reason the sky hasn't fallen is the strength of his pointing.
* Drink every time Tebow references God. Or himself. Tom-A-to. Tom-ah-to.
* Drink every time he's shown on the sidelines flapping his arms like a bird (or an idiot) to pump up the crowd.
* If (when) Tebow actually takes flight, finish your drink and do a shot.
* Drink every time Tebow's on camera for no reason when the Florida defense is on the field.
* Drink every time Tebow is seen screaming with his helmet off.
* Drink every time they show a "I Heart Tebow" sign in the stands.
* Drink every time you see a Florida fan in jorts. (Small sips on this one. Otherwise it could kill you).
* Shot every time they mention his experience as missionary.
* If they mention him performing circumcisions in the Philippines while he was a missionary - Chug your beer, do a shot of Patron.
**When Alabama wins and Tebow gives a tearful speech in the post-game press conference, give the television the bird, turn up your bottle of Jim Beam, and don't stop drinking OR flipping off the TV till Tebow runs out of tears. (This may take several bottles of Jim) Then throw the empty bottle(s) through the television and quote the good book by saying "the Terrence Cody falls upon the just and the unjust alike!"
Club a baby seal and start prepping for Texas.
(Disclaimer: Playing the Tebow drinking game may/will result in death. So don't do it. Ever. Not even in jest. The content above this disclaimer is a joke, not a suggestion. If you're dumb enough to do it, just pray Tebow is nearby. Only he can save you. Him or a local hospital with a stomach pump.)
(thank you so much(!!!) to jane-ann putman for sending this to me. it is quite full of awesome...say it with me...just like tebow)
In honor of Tebow's sheer awesomeness (gag), we give you the Tebow SEC Championship Drinking Game!
* Drink every time Tebow is called "a warrior." Bonus chug if any of your friends sing Scandal's opus "I am a warrior" and change the lyrics to "Tebow is..." Dance, Tebow, you magnificent bastard.
* Drink every time Tebow's called "a leader," then salute.
* Drink every time Tebow's called a "special athlete," then yell "Tiiiimmmmmmmmay!"
* Finish your drink if the announcers suggest Tebow should win the Heisman again this year.
* Drink every time Tebow points to the sky. Then realize the only reason the sky hasn't fallen is the strength of his pointing.
* Drink every time Tebow references God. Or himself. Tom-A-to. Tom-ah-to.
* Drink every time he's shown on the sidelines flapping his arms like a bird (or an idiot) to pump up the crowd.
* If (when) Tebow actually takes flight, finish your drink and do a shot.
* Drink every time Tebow's on camera for no reason when the Florida defense is on the field.
* Drink every time Tebow is seen screaming with his helmet off.
* Drink every time they show a "I Heart Tebow" sign in the stands.
* Drink every time you see a Florida fan in jorts. (Small sips on this one. Otherwise it could kill you).
* Shot every time they mention his experience as missionary.
* If they mention him performing circumcisions in the Philippines while he was a missionary - Chug your beer, do a shot of Patron.
**When Alabama wins and Tebow gives a tearful speech in the post-game press conference, give the television the bird, turn up your bottle of Jim Beam, and don't stop drinking OR flipping off the TV till Tebow runs out of tears. (This may take several bottles of Jim) Then throw the empty bottle(s) through the television and quote the good book by saying "the Terrence Cody falls upon the just and the unjust alike!"
Club a baby seal and start prepping for Texas.
(Disclaimer: Playing the Tebow drinking game may/will result in death. So don't do it. Ever. Not even in jest. The content above this disclaimer is a joke, not a suggestion. If you're dumb enough to do it, just pray Tebow is nearby. Only he can save you. Him or a local hospital with a stomach pump.)
Thursday, December 03, 2009
rubbernecking.
color me fascinated by this whole tiger thing. i hope to post something of substance on the matter sooner rather than later.
but, really??? negotiating towards 100 MILLION dollars just to keep the mother of your children around. wow.
investing in your wife like she's stock? priceless.
color me fascinated by this whole tiger thing. i hope to post something of substance on the matter sooner rather than later.
but, really??? negotiating towards 100 MILLION dollars just to keep the mother of your children around. wow.
investing in your wife like she's stock? priceless.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
"if it wasn't for Tebow, it's easy. alabama wins the game."
(the capital "t" is intended. like it would be if i were talking about the G-O-D)
and that comes from lane kiffin! he says a lot of good things about alabama, as a matter of fact. all four coaches interviewed for the story do (you may not want to read, greg mcelroy).
i am so stoked for this game.
and, it's only wednesday!!!
(the capital "t" is intended. like it would be if i were talking about the G-O-D)
and that comes from lane kiffin! he says a lot of good things about alabama, as a matter of fact. all four coaches interviewed for the story do (you may not want to read, greg mcelroy).
i am so stoked for this game.
and, it's only wednesday!!!
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
what did happen
in short, for the first nine minutes and eighteen seconds, auburn won the iron bowl.
oh yeah...
then the rest of the game happened.
let's get to the first ten minutes of the game first. during this stretch, nothing can be taken away from auburn. they stuff alabama, force a three and out and get the ball. no sooner than i am settling down for alabama's defense to answer, the end-around happens. zachery is never touched on the longest play alabama has given up and most likely will give up all season. well, shit. that sucked. i and another alabama fan that works for me pick up each others' jaws off the floor and start to rationalize. "well, auburn is just jacked up." "that's emotion for you!" "i wonder if auburn has run that, that well, all season." "time for 'bama to answer." we aren't even finished yet with our excuses when the most perfect of onside kicks is executed. alabama is caught completely off guard. the kicker is jumping around and into teammates. my stocker leaves the office to go find a dog to kick and i sit, stunned. at this point, i don't know that the defense will step up to the challenge, but i do hope it very much. they don't. auburn's best and only real drive of the game follows the onside kick. alabama has run three plays. they are down 14-0. dammit.
my phone, e-mail inbox and facebook home page is lighting up with auburn fans that have been under a rock for weeks. "overrated", they chant. "this is the number two team in the nation???", they snicker. kiker is catastrophizing from texas. "bama looks asleep." "malzahn is owning saban." "fuck." i can't find a good comeback...
except for this...
i tell rondell, "wait 'til it turns into back into a football game (and not some boise st.-ish gimmick-fest). then get back with me." turns out i was right. thank god.
for the remainder of the game, the last fifty-plus minutes to be exact, alabama looks like the number two team in the country that is on the road against their biggest rival and may not be playing their best game. ingram is not getting off, but give credit to auburn for loading up the box to stop him (also give some of the blame to bama's offensive coordinator for some terribly vanilla play-calling in the first three quarters). bama's defense settles in and figures out all the misdirection. they give up one big play (and boy, was it a big play) the rest of the game. even having to scratch and claw to find offense and move the ball down the field, alabama outscores auburn 26-7 over the last 5/6th's of the game. am i discounting the first ten minutes? absolutely not. those first ten minutes to me, though, made the last three quarters that much more impressive. any self-respecting alabama fan knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that a shula-era bama team would have folded and lost friday somewhere in the realm of 31-7. not now. not this team. not with this talent and depth. and not with this coach.
is saban a dick? yep.
is he the most media-savvy of coaches? nope.
can he recruit? um, yes.
can he coach? looks as though he can.
and did alabama just go 12-0 for the second straight year? i do believe they did.
what did happen friday was unexpected, sure. i wasn't predicting a 36-0 blowout again, but i could've seen 36-14. that didn't happen. but, three days removed, what did happen makes me feel better about saturday than i did before the iron bowl.
this alabama team that wasn't playing with passion (according to their coach) spotted a good team 14 points, caught the tigers by their tails and won anyway.
you would be kidding yourself if you didn't think this team will be emotionally ready before the game on saturday. more on what will happen later today or later this week.
what did happen? auburn played very hard and gave us the best iron bowl we've had in ten years. they are still two years away from beating alabama.
alabama is now two wins away from something very special and very fun.
to be continued...
in short, for the first nine minutes and eighteen seconds, auburn won the iron bowl.
oh yeah...
then the rest of the game happened.
let's get to the first ten minutes of the game first. during this stretch, nothing can be taken away from auburn. they stuff alabama, force a three and out and get the ball. no sooner than i am settling down for alabama's defense to answer, the end-around happens. zachery is never touched on the longest play alabama has given up and most likely will give up all season. well, shit. that sucked. i and another alabama fan that works for me pick up each others' jaws off the floor and start to rationalize. "well, auburn is just jacked up." "that's emotion for you!" "i wonder if auburn has run that, that well, all season." "time for 'bama to answer." we aren't even finished yet with our excuses when the most perfect of onside kicks is executed. alabama is caught completely off guard. the kicker is jumping around and into teammates. my stocker leaves the office to go find a dog to kick and i sit, stunned. at this point, i don't know that the defense will step up to the challenge, but i do hope it very much. they don't. auburn's best and only real drive of the game follows the onside kick. alabama has run three plays. they are down 14-0. dammit.
my phone, e-mail inbox and facebook home page is lighting up with auburn fans that have been under a rock for weeks. "overrated", they chant. "this is the number two team in the nation???", they snicker. kiker is catastrophizing from texas. "bama looks asleep." "malzahn is owning saban." "fuck." i can't find a good comeback...
except for this...
i tell rondell, "wait 'til it turns into back into a football game (and not some boise st.-ish gimmick-fest). then get back with me." turns out i was right. thank god.
for the remainder of the game, the last fifty-plus minutes to be exact, alabama looks like the number two team in the country that is on the road against their biggest rival and may not be playing their best game. ingram is not getting off, but give credit to auburn for loading up the box to stop him (also give some of the blame to bama's offensive coordinator for some terribly vanilla play-calling in the first three quarters). bama's defense settles in and figures out all the misdirection. they give up one big play (and boy, was it a big play) the rest of the game. even having to scratch and claw to find offense and move the ball down the field, alabama outscores auburn 26-7 over the last 5/6th's of the game. am i discounting the first ten minutes? absolutely not. those first ten minutes to me, though, made the last three quarters that much more impressive. any self-respecting alabama fan knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that a shula-era bama team would have folded and lost friday somewhere in the realm of 31-7. not now. not this team. not with this talent and depth. and not with this coach.
is saban a dick? yep.
is he the most media-savvy of coaches? nope.
can he recruit? um, yes.
can he coach? looks as though he can.
and did alabama just go 12-0 for the second straight year? i do believe they did.
what did happen friday was unexpected, sure. i wasn't predicting a 36-0 blowout again, but i could've seen 36-14. that didn't happen. but, three days removed, what did happen makes me feel better about saturday than i did before the iron bowl.
this alabama team that wasn't playing with passion (according to their coach) spotted a good team 14 points, caught the tigers by their tails and won anyway.
you would be kidding yourself if you didn't think this team will be emotionally ready before the game on saturday. more on what will happen later today or later this week.
what did happen? auburn played very hard and gave us the best iron bowl we've had in ten years. they are still two years away from beating alabama.
alabama is now two wins away from something very special and very fun.
to be continued...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
javy and mt. cody will get the biggest ovations this morning when bama wishes their 27 seniors so long, but i've always been a roy upchurch guy.
his career has been littered with unfortunate injuries, but he's battled back into the line-up time after time, year after year. i wouldn't be surprised at all to see him drafted late next spring and have a surprising career in the nfl.
so long, seniors.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
don't wake me just yet
i saw a comment on facebook (yes, THAT facebook) the other day made by a fellow church member. to paraphrase the comment, it was something along the lines that they believed the church (humc) was experiencing a "reawakening". i couldn't disagree more, but i am in love with the sentiment. and that, in and of itself, is cause for celebration.
tonight, i'll be a part of the first finance committee meeting following our "celebration" (pledge card) sunday. i've been quite nervous at the thought of how the events of late last year, leading into this one will affect our bottom line and how we operate moving forward. for better or worse, several "key" (read: affluent) former members decided to tuck tail and run away from what seemed very much like a (as described here) sinking ship. far be it from me to judge what i am sure were good and completely legit reasons (wink, wink) for doing so, the fact of the matter is that we will understand the financial toll of all the turmoil concerning our hispanic "ministry", blog-gate, and the departure of yet another pastor soon enough. how we react to the financial fallout will be far more telling than how we've recently dealt with the emotional blows.
how have we dealt with the emotional blows?
as i see it, fairly admirably. so, a pastor decides to leave (and make no mistake, this IS the correct choice of words). we see it as best for both parties, have a reception and wish him well. the next week, we meet his replacement. a humble individual that downplays his accomplishments and asks us to call him "brother". hmm. that's different. we wrap our arms around the change and let it happen in a very natural and non-intrusive way. hindsight being what it is, this accidental approach probably ended up being the best one.
as the transition approached, several of our members bought into using "the first 90 days" approach with our new pastor. making he/she aware of what he/she was getting into on many different levels, the new pastor would be, theoretically, much more prepared than the previous several with a working knowledge of what's been going on versus what we want moving forward. the question i was most looking forward to being a part of was the one that we will finally tackle tonight, "the situational diagnosis" conversation. the details and sub-questions of this particular conversation are fairly fascinating, but the long and short of it is this. accurately and honestly take a physical and spiritual inventory of your (our) church. right now. not fifteen years ago. not fifteen years from now. RIGHT. NOW. and right now, back in june, i was still ready for a fight. not a fistfight, mind you, but i was still quite sensitive to us being forced into another transition in the first place, let alone all the reasons for it. and i wanted to be in a room with all of the leaders in our church and call us ALL onto the carpet. this is the bed we made. not the weeds. not former disciples council chairs. not innocent bystanders. we, our church, humc did this. now, what are we going to do to fix it?
but, in this regard, the malaise that still covers our church to some degree played the calming presence opposite my wildly swinging in the dark protagonist. had we had the conversation immediately after harris' arrival, the intended consequences probably would not have taken hold. the church had just finished an active and subconscious (both at the same time) twelve round fight. we were tired. exhausted by the experience, adrenaline was the fuel that was keeping us on our feet. we were not a congregation that was full of energy, full of zeal, recharged and ready to connect with our community. we needed rest, to come to church and worship and study and fellowship and not worry about what sunday school class was ruining the world or who was running off whom. we needed a nap, and i am not terribly sure we didn't/don't need to hibernate. maybe we have been. and maybe advent will be our spring that allows us to go about our normal business and feel like a church again.
that sounds like a reawakening.
yeah, maybe, but to me it sounds like pushing the reset button. anybody that's played a videogame and is getting their ass handed to them by the computer knows what i am talking about. you shrug your shoulders, own the loss in its moment, get up off the couch and press "reset".
in my opinion, we are not reawakening. we are re-starting. we are much closer to a church plant that just so happened to start with between 200-250 active members and a flourishing daycare. we still don't know, know what we are doing in the middle of huffman yet, but we are almost healthy enough to figure it out.
almost.
tonight's finance meeting and "first 90 days" conversation will tell more about the story than this speculative post.
i'd like to think that i am right. i'll let you know soon if i am.
i saw a comment on facebook (yes, THAT facebook) the other day made by a fellow church member. to paraphrase the comment, it was something along the lines that they believed the church (humc) was experiencing a "reawakening". i couldn't disagree more, but i am in love with the sentiment. and that, in and of itself, is cause for celebration.
tonight, i'll be a part of the first finance committee meeting following our "celebration" (pledge card) sunday. i've been quite nervous at the thought of how the events of late last year, leading into this one will affect our bottom line and how we operate moving forward. for better or worse, several "key" (read: affluent) former members decided to tuck tail and run away from what seemed very much like a (as described here) sinking ship. far be it from me to judge what i am sure were good and completely legit reasons (wink, wink) for doing so, the fact of the matter is that we will understand the financial toll of all the turmoil concerning our hispanic "ministry", blog-gate, and the departure of yet another pastor soon enough. how we react to the financial fallout will be far more telling than how we've recently dealt with the emotional blows.
how have we dealt with the emotional blows?
as i see it, fairly admirably. so, a pastor decides to leave (and make no mistake, this IS the correct choice of words). we see it as best for both parties, have a reception and wish him well. the next week, we meet his replacement. a humble individual that downplays his accomplishments and asks us to call him "brother". hmm. that's different. we wrap our arms around the change and let it happen in a very natural and non-intrusive way. hindsight being what it is, this accidental approach probably ended up being the best one.
as the transition approached, several of our members bought into using "the first 90 days" approach with our new pastor. making he/she aware of what he/she was getting into on many different levels, the new pastor would be, theoretically, much more prepared than the previous several with a working knowledge of what's been going on versus what we want moving forward. the question i was most looking forward to being a part of was the one that we will finally tackle tonight, "the situational diagnosis" conversation. the details and sub-questions of this particular conversation are fairly fascinating, but the long and short of it is this. accurately and honestly take a physical and spiritual inventory of your (our) church. right now. not fifteen years ago. not fifteen years from now. RIGHT. NOW. and right now, back in june, i was still ready for a fight. not a fistfight, mind you, but i was still quite sensitive to us being forced into another transition in the first place, let alone all the reasons for it. and i wanted to be in a room with all of the leaders in our church and call us ALL onto the carpet. this is the bed we made. not the weeds. not former disciples council chairs. not innocent bystanders. we, our church, humc did this. now, what are we going to do to fix it?
but, in this regard, the malaise that still covers our church to some degree played the calming presence opposite my wildly swinging in the dark protagonist. had we had the conversation immediately after harris' arrival, the intended consequences probably would not have taken hold. the church had just finished an active and subconscious (both at the same time) twelve round fight. we were tired. exhausted by the experience, adrenaline was the fuel that was keeping us on our feet. we were not a congregation that was full of energy, full of zeal, recharged and ready to connect with our community. we needed rest, to come to church and worship and study and fellowship and not worry about what sunday school class was ruining the world or who was running off whom. we needed a nap, and i am not terribly sure we didn't/don't need to hibernate. maybe we have been. and maybe advent will be our spring that allows us to go about our normal business and feel like a church again.
that sounds like a reawakening.
yeah, maybe, but to me it sounds like pushing the reset button. anybody that's played a videogame and is getting their ass handed to them by the computer knows what i am talking about. you shrug your shoulders, own the loss in its moment, get up off the couch and press "reset".
in my opinion, we are not reawakening. we are re-starting. we are much closer to a church plant that just so happened to start with between 200-250 active members and a flourishing daycare. we still don't know, know what we are doing in the middle of huffman yet, but we are almost healthy enough to figure it out.
almost.
tonight's finance meeting and "first 90 days" conversation will tell more about the story than this speculative post.
i'd like to think that i am right. i'll let you know soon if i am.
Friday, November 13, 2009
i'll mail you in
my invisible friend was giving me shit the other day...
"dude. you've been mailing it in on the blog for, like, a month now. all you're doing is linking to other's people work and adding a picture to go along with it to act like you can take some of the credit. hell, sometimes, you are posting their picture too. other times, you are just posting pictures with weak-ass captions. what is wrong with you? are you a hack now?"
first of all, screw you, invisible friend.
second of all, i have always been a relative hack.
third of all, i will count you among those that never got around to reading the fine print here on this miserable waste of ether. whether it's my destroying your soul with my mindless rambling or linking to something that i think is cool/funny or just putting up a picture, there are two and only two reasons i spend time here. a) because it makes me happy. b) at some point, my girls are going to get a hold of this and know me on some level that they didn't before mommy e-mails them this address and says, "happy birthday/merry christmas/you need this in your life right now". "that's it. that's the list (thanks, tk)".
am i naive'? of course i am, but not in the regard that i don't fully understand that i am publishing this "for all the world to see". fair or unfair, that's the part that makes my narcissistic side happy. i can rail on twitter and facebook nation (of which, now, i am a card-carrying member) all i want, but, shoot, i was vain way before it was cool and/or progressive to be vain. color me whatever color that tints me and color you late on the joke. so, what does that make me? a bastard? sure. disrespectful? at times. honest? not always. biased? predictably, yes. wrong? well, no. not really. for all the collateral "damage" some have been interested in arguing that has taken place in and because of these parts, my guess is that equal amounts of truth and good has been established too. that's just my spin, my this is my spin-full zone. this is not fair and balanced. quite the opposite.
it is what it is. (man, i am so ready for that phrase to go the way of my diseased kidney)
most of "you" didn't come here looking for this every so year reminder. most of "you" don't need it. really, it's just my invisible friend that's being a little bitch.
honestly, though, i'm the one that needs the reminder, because i am the one that stresses out every time i think about "mailing it in". if i give it enough critical thought, though, the space in between every one of these posts, whatever they end up being, will tell their own stories. the longer the pause, the more to wonder about. if i was able to do HACAM for a living and gave "you" shit umpteen times a day, it would get tired. it would feel like work. and it would be worth even less of my and your time. i'd be telling them the story, instead of letting them figure it out for themselves.
right?
rationalization 101 or the rules of my game. you decide. it doesn't really matter anyway.
"so, does this mean you're gonna start writing again soon?"
it sounds like you missed the point.
but, to answer your question, in the short term, i'll be posting the coolest picture i've seen yet of the best running back in the country.
toodles.
my invisible friend was giving me shit the other day...
"dude. you've been mailing it in on the blog for, like, a month now. all you're doing is linking to other's people work and adding a picture to go along with it to act like you can take some of the credit. hell, sometimes, you are posting their picture too. other times, you are just posting pictures with weak-ass captions. what is wrong with you? are you a hack now?"
first of all, screw you, invisible friend.
second of all, i have always been a relative hack.
third of all, i will count you among those that never got around to reading the fine print here on this miserable waste of ether. whether it's my destroying your soul with my mindless rambling or linking to something that i think is cool/funny or just putting up a picture, there are two and only two reasons i spend time here. a) because it makes me happy. b) at some point, my girls are going to get a hold of this and know me on some level that they didn't before mommy e-mails them this address and says, "happy birthday/merry christmas/you need this in your life right now". "that's it. that's the list (thanks, tk)".
am i naive'? of course i am, but not in the regard that i don't fully understand that i am publishing this "for all the world to see". fair or unfair, that's the part that makes my narcissistic side happy. i can rail on twitter and facebook nation (of which, now, i am a card-carrying member) all i want, but, shoot, i was vain way before it was cool and/or progressive to be vain. color me whatever color that tints me and color you late on the joke. so, what does that make me? a bastard? sure. disrespectful? at times. honest? not always. biased? predictably, yes. wrong? well, no. not really. for all the collateral "damage" some have been interested in arguing that has taken place in and because of these parts, my guess is that equal amounts of truth and good has been established too. that's just my spin, my this is my spin-full zone. this is not fair and balanced. quite the opposite.
it is what it is. (man, i am so ready for that phrase to go the way of my diseased kidney)
most of "you" didn't come here looking for this every so year reminder. most of "you" don't need it. really, it's just my invisible friend that's being a little bitch.
honestly, though, i'm the one that needs the reminder, because i am the one that stresses out every time i think about "mailing it in". if i give it enough critical thought, though, the space in between every one of these posts, whatever they end up being, will tell their own stories. the longer the pause, the more to wonder about. if i was able to do HACAM for a living and gave "you" shit umpteen times a day, it would get tired. it would feel like work. and it would be worth even less of my and your time. i'd be telling them the story, instead of letting them figure it out for themselves.
right?
rationalization 101 or the rules of my game. you decide. it doesn't really matter anyway.
"so, does this mean you're gonna start writing again soon?"
it sounds like you missed the point.
but, to answer your question, in the short term, i'll be posting the coolest picture i've seen yet of the best running back in the country.
toodles.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
to be published in the upcoming humc advent devotional booklet
(please forgive all the annoying capital letters)
Accepting the Special-ness of Advent.
Scripture: (from the Message) 1 Peter: 13-16 "So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives. Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn't know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, "I am holy; you be holy."
Truth be told, Advent is just like every other part of the year…except that it’s not.
Each January, we promise and pledge to carry the “Christmas spirit” with us throughout the New Year. It sounds exhilarating. It sounds easy. We just celebrated the birth of our Savior. We just opened many wonderful gifts. We just spent invaluable time with our family. “Everyday will be Christmas!”, we proclaim. So, we power through another list of self-improvements with every genuine intention to make “this year” better than the last.
And then something funny happens.
Mid-January comes and we stumble over or out of our first resolution. February comes and we realize that work is no more a happy place than it ever was. We should be happy that we have a job, but we are not. March comes and we’ve already started to fast-forward our time and our lives in the hopes of that one or two weeks of summer vacation when we can get away from this world that we were so ready and willing to attack just three short months ago. The vacation isn’t as great as we wanted. It rained at the beach. We come home, and life hits in the face again. A friend or family member is sick. A loved one passes. “Why am I yelling at my children all the time?”
Truth be told, Advent is nothing like every other part of the year. As Christians, we need Advent like the bunny needs his battery. It is a season to recharge. It is the feeling of renewal. It is the promise of hope in a life made in relationship with Jesus Christ. It is special.
And that’s OK.
(please forgive all the annoying capital letters)
Accepting the Special-ness of Advent.
Scripture: (from the Message) 1 Peter: 13-16 "So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives. Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn't know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, "I am holy; you be holy."
Truth be told, Advent is just like every other part of the year…except that it’s not.
Each January, we promise and pledge to carry the “Christmas spirit” with us throughout the New Year. It sounds exhilarating. It sounds easy. We just celebrated the birth of our Savior. We just opened many wonderful gifts. We just spent invaluable time with our family. “Everyday will be Christmas!”, we proclaim. So, we power through another list of self-improvements with every genuine intention to make “this year” better than the last.
And then something funny happens.
Mid-January comes and we stumble over or out of our first resolution. February comes and we realize that work is no more a happy place than it ever was. We should be happy that we have a job, but we are not. March comes and we’ve already started to fast-forward our time and our lives in the hopes of that one or two weeks of summer vacation when we can get away from this world that we were so ready and willing to attack just three short months ago. The vacation isn’t as great as we wanted. It rained at the beach. We come home, and life hits in the face again. A friend or family member is sick. A loved one passes. “Why am I yelling at my children all the time?”
Truth be told, Advent is nothing like every other part of the year. As Christians, we need Advent like the bunny needs his battery. It is a season to recharge. It is the feeling of renewal. It is the promise of hope in a life made in relationship with Jesus Christ. It is special.
And that’s OK.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
"home-churched"???
(ripping from the onion this time)
((thanks for the link, sarah))
..."when i open the Good Book and begin to preach, my kids associate all the things they learn about—the floods, the plagues, the impalings, the threat of eternal hellfire—with their daddy,"...
(ripping from the onion this time)
((thanks for the link, sarah))
..."when i open the Good Book and begin to preach, my kids associate all the things they learn about—the floods, the plagues, the impalings, the threat of eternal hellfire—with their daddy,"...
Sunday, October 25, 2009
lay, lead her
i am glad i was at the bama game yesterday. outside of the terrible piped in music that played during any significant pause in the action, yesterday was everything that you could ask for out of a college football game if your college football team ended up on the winning end of things. if i were joe tennessee fan, i would be upset with my kicker. upset with the officials that didn't call a penalty after cody ripped his helmet off. i would forget about the pass interference non-call that went "our" way late in the second quarter. and i would call bama overrated as often as i saw fit over the next two weeks and tell all my friends how lsu is going to beat "that team" in tuscaloosa in two weeks.
thank god i am not joe tennessee fan.
i am fan of the university of alabama. more specifically and less conditionally, i am a fan of the football team. the football team that lost their starting tight end during warm-ups. the football team with the defense that would have gone three consecutive games without giving up a touchdown if eric berry (props to that guy, seriously) didn't go and do what eric berry does and rip the ball from mark ingram. the football team that yesterday had terrence cody and your team didn't. the team with the fans (or at least the guy behind me yesterday) that now think any play not involving mark ingram running the ball is "stupid", "idiotic" and "we've lost our minds" all at the same time. (funny how a few heisman mentions can change one's way of thinking. silly.) the last time i went to a tennessee game, sarah and i left before the end of the fourth quarter and got home before the overtime extravaganza ended in a tide loss. yesterday left a better taste than that. the last time i was as excited at the end of a football game as i was yesterday afternoon, i was nine and looking at van tiffin's back and not fully grasping that i witnessed, in person, one of "those moments" that were going to end up in a pre-game montage. i witnessed, in person, another one of "those moments" yesterday, twenty-three years later. pretty cool stuff. i haven't had time to process it fully yet, but my morning after memories have already sketched the outline of what will be a fairly terrific painting years down the road. thanks, amy and katie. a good day. the best of friends. alabama football. a dramatic win. hear, hear.
and so, the sun brought with it a sunday morning. a sunday morning that i find myself at the store and not the church. the story will be the same next sunday too. but next sunday will have followed what will be our halloween carnival. not a "halloween carnival" or a fall festival. not some poor excuse for a party on the 25th or the 28th or some morning during next week that's not so scary because it isn't dark yet that you are throwing on some day that is not october 31st. and no one knows what to expect. isn't that the best and most terrifying feeling ever? the unknown? the uncertainty that our community could come out in droves and prove to us, once and for all, why we shouldn't have done the carnival without more support from the church on the whole. to me, it is. because for me, i want there to be 500 or more people in our parking lot next saturday night. i want us to be overwhelmed. i want us to regret our decision in as good a way as possible. i want it to be a tipping point. i want it to be so big and so bad (like, michael jackson bad) that we must and we should recalculate what our church in the middle of huffman needs and looks to be. and i want to thank the few of you that have stuck your neck out and said that you think it's as important as it is and should be.
at the universtiy of alabama, they don't play football, they live it.
at humc, do we go to church, or do we live it?
i am glad i was at the bama game yesterday. outside of the terrible piped in music that played during any significant pause in the action, yesterday was everything that you could ask for out of a college football game if your college football team ended up on the winning end of things. if i were joe tennessee fan, i would be upset with my kicker. upset with the officials that didn't call a penalty after cody ripped his helmet off. i would forget about the pass interference non-call that went "our" way late in the second quarter. and i would call bama overrated as often as i saw fit over the next two weeks and tell all my friends how lsu is going to beat "that team" in tuscaloosa in two weeks.
thank god i am not joe tennessee fan.
i am fan of the university of alabama. more specifically and less conditionally, i am a fan of the football team. the football team that lost their starting tight end during warm-ups. the football team with the defense that would have gone three consecutive games without giving up a touchdown if eric berry (props to that guy, seriously) didn't go and do what eric berry does and rip the ball from mark ingram. the football team that yesterday had terrence cody and your team didn't. the team with the fans (or at least the guy behind me yesterday) that now think any play not involving mark ingram running the ball is "stupid", "idiotic" and "we've lost our minds" all at the same time. (funny how a few heisman mentions can change one's way of thinking. silly.) the last time i went to a tennessee game, sarah and i left before the end of the fourth quarter and got home before the overtime extravaganza ended in a tide loss. yesterday left a better taste than that. the last time i was as excited at the end of a football game as i was yesterday afternoon, i was nine and looking at van tiffin's back and not fully grasping that i witnessed, in person, one of "those moments" that were going to end up in a pre-game montage. i witnessed, in person, another one of "those moments" yesterday, twenty-three years later. pretty cool stuff. i haven't had time to process it fully yet, but my morning after memories have already sketched the outline of what will be a fairly terrific painting years down the road. thanks, amy and katie. a good day. the best of friends. alabama football. a dramatic win. hear, hear.
and so, the sun brought with it a sunday morning. a sunday morning that i find myself at the store and not the church. the story will be the same next sunday too. but next sunday will have followed what will be our halloween carnival. not a "halloween carnival" or a fall festival. not some poor excuse for a party on the 25th or the 28th or some morning during next week that's not so scary because it isn't dark yet that you are throwing on some day that is not october 31st. and no one knows what to expect. isn't that the best and most terrifying feeling ever? the unknown? the uncertainty that our community could come out in droves and prove to us, once and for all, why we shouldn't have done the carnival without more support from the church on the whole. to me, it is. because for me, i want there to be 500 or more people in our parking lot next saturday night. i want us to be overwhelmed. i want us to regret our decision in as good a way as possible. i want it to be a tipping point. i want it to be so big and so bad (like, michael jackson bad) that we must and we should recalculate what our church in the middle of huffman needs and looks to be. and i want to thank the few of you that have stuck your neck out and said that you think it's as important as it is and should be.
at the universtiy of alabama, they don't play football, they live it.
at humc, do we go to church, or do we live it?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
these athletes are going to hell
until i get back into the groove, i'll just keeping ripping deadspin posts. this made me laugh.
i am pretty sure "amazing grace" baptist church thinks i am going to "hell" too.
and you.
and you.
and you.
etc.
until i get back into the groove, i'll just keeping ripping deadspin posts. this made me laugh.
i am pretty sure "amazing grace" baptist church thinks i am going to "hell" too.
and you.
and you.
and you.
etc.
Monday, October 12, 2009
hilarious
tebow as our lord and savior was not my idea, originally, but i'd like to think (because i am ridiculous and annoying) i've been on that bandwagon longer than most. this made me laugh. the picture attached to the post is awesome.
http://deadspin.com/5379602/tim-tebow-messiah-watch-touching-the-hem-of-his-garment-edition
tebow as our lord and savior was not my idea, originally, but i'd like to think (because i am ridiculous and annoying) i've been on that bandwagon longer than most. this made me laugh. the picture attached to the post is awesome.
http://deadspin.com/5379602/tim-tebow-messiah-watch-touching-the-hem-of-his-garment-edition
Saturday, October 10, 2009
end of day 151 (10/9/09) 2173 miles (5 to go)
jesus.
he's about to finish.
magnificent.
amazing.
awe-inspiring.
romantic.
incredible.
terrifying.
touching.
facebook.
epic.
somewhere in maine, a journey is about to come to an end. when you've been outside, walking for five months, what does one think when there is nowhere left to go?
i've been married. had kids. hit homeruns. called preachers dicks. lost a kidney. etc.
this seems every bit as big to me, though. every bit as big. i can't wait to hear all about it...
while building a box maze.
hell. and yes.
jesus.
he's about to finish.
magnificent.
amazing.
awe-inspiring.
romantic.
incredible.
terrifying.
touching.
facebook.
epic.
somewhere in maine, a journey is about to come to an end. when you've been outside, walking for five months, what does one think when there is nowhere left to go?
i've been married. had kids. hit homeruns. called preachers dicks. lost a kidney. etc.
this seems every bit as big to me, though. every bit as big. i can't wait to hear all about it...
while building a box maze.
hell. and yes.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
100 percent isn't what it used to be
"tell me about it."
the timing of something like what i went through (and continue to "go through") this summer would never be good, per se. such is any unexpected and/or scary news. you never want it. you tell yourself you're never gone get it. then, you get it. you deal with it. we all deal with it in our own individual ways.
before the mass was found, though, i was already at a time of physical transition in my life. don't get me wrong. i don't want to be shallow and play the "i am getting old" card as an excuse, but i will say that i've been coming to terms with "i am not what i used to be" for a couple of years. of course, i am not old. 32 sounds young to me. 32 has always sounded young to me. i hope i get the chance to look back in thirty years and understand how young 32 really was and is. but, 32 is older than 27, and it is definitely older than 23, which is how young i was when i started playing softball and basketball full-time with and for the church. it was nine years ago that i felt like i could and should start something sports-y for myself and the men in and around my church. for those that were already there, we could have another excuse to fraternize with one another. for our friends and those that may not have already been "there", it would serve as a ministry of our church. not one whose sole intention was to grow the church, necessarily, but one that might fill a need in our lives and those we could invite to "come out and play".
when i was 23 through about 29 or 30, i felt no shame in inserting myself in the heart of our softball line-up. i was never the biggest, but i could swing a pretty good bat, know where it was going most of the time and get on base 4 out of every 5 at-bats, if not more. in the field, i was equally confident. i had enough athletic wherewithal that i felt like i was a strength in the field, no matter what position i wrote myself into. the same went for the basketball court. no one would mistake me for being really good. i didn't play high school ball, but i was better than your average church-league guard. could probably shoot a lot better than most. dribble with both hands. see the court in ways that made me happy and proud at times. i wanted to start every game, but chose not to. selfishly, i knew that would give me the credit i needed to finish every game, which is what's important.
the last couple years have been different, though. what little power i had has, more or less, gone away. i am no longer a homerun threat. and thus, probably a poor choice for third in our line-up. my shoulder has something wrong with it. i haven't gotten it checked out, because it doesn't keep me up at night or prevent me from doing anything, but there is discomfort every time i throw. the last couple of basketball seasons have shown similar drop-off. what little lateral quickness i did have is fading. i am having to find open spaces on the court by wheeling around screens that provide room that i can't make on my own. my confidence on the ball is waning. i don't want to run our point, because "kids" much younger than i can potentially make me a turnover liability.
losing what i once had was going to be hard enough. the glimpse of losing what was still to come this summer was, as i suggested, just poor timing i guess.
i am fragile, yet proud. neither of which has provided much ammunition against my fears and anxiety.
coming to terms with my physical limitations as i get "older" has never sounded so nice. if i could only get back to a place where things like that seemed important again.
off to therapy.
"tell me about it."
the timing of something like what i went through (and continue to "go through") this summer would never be good, per se. such is any unexpected and/or scary news. you never want it. you tell yourself you're never gone get it. then, you get it. you deal with it. we all deal with it in our own individual ways.
before the mass was found, though, i was already at a time of physical transition in my life. don't get me wrong. i don't want to be shallow and play the "i am getting old" card as an excuse, but i will say that i've been coming to terms with "i am not what i used to be" for a couple of years. of course, i am not old. 32 sounds young to me. 32 has always sounded young to me. i hope i get the chance to look back in thirty years and understand how young 32 really was and is. but, 32 is older than 27, and it is definitely older than 23, which is how young i was when i started playing softball and basketball full-time with and for the church. it was nine years ago that i felt like i could and should start something sports-y for myself and the men in and around my church. for those that were already there, we could have another excuse to fraternize with one another. for our friends and those that may not have already been "there", it would serve as a ministry of our church. not one whose sole intention was to grow the church, necessarily, but one that might fill a need in our lives and those we could invite to "come out and play".
when i was 23 through about 29 or 30, i felt no shame in inserting myself in the heart of our softball line-up. i was never the biggest, but i could swing a pretty good bat, know where it was going most of the time and get on base 4 out of every 5 at-bats, if not more. in the field, i was equally confident. i had enough athletic wherewithal that i felt like i was a strength in the field, no matter what position i wrote myself into. the same went for the basketball court. no one would mistake me for being really good. i didn't play high school ball, but i was better than your average church-league guard. could probably shoot a lot better than most. dribble with both hands. see the court in ways that made me happy and proud at times. i wanted to start every game, but chose not to. selfishly, i knew that would give me the credit i needed to finish every game, which is what's important.
the last couple years have been different, though. what little power i had has, more or less, gone away. i am no longer a homerun threat. and thus, probably a poor choice for third in our line-up. my shoulder has something wrong with it. i haven't gotten it checked out, because it doesn't keep me up at night or prevent me from doing anything, but there is discomfort every time i throw. the last couple of basketball seasons have shown similar drop-off. what little lateral quickness i did have is fading. i am having to find open spaces on the court by wheeling around screens that provide room that i can't make on my own. my confidence on the ball is waning. i don't want to run our point, because "kids" much younger than i can potentially make me a turnover liability.
losing what i once had was going to be hard enough. the glimpse of losing what was still to come this summer was, as i suggested, just poor timing i guess.
i am fragile, yet proud. neither of which has provided much ammunition against my fears and anxiety.
coming to terms with my physical limitations as i get "older" has never sounded so nice. if i could only get back to a place where things like that seemed important again.
off to therapy.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
all the world is a symptom
so, why has HACAM become so hit and miss again after getting back into the swing of things last month?
well, the embarrassing and easy answer is because i can't work myself up to write much these days. it's not that i don't want to. i really do. but the last few weeks have been tough, and i am mired in something that i don't know how to get out of just yet.
i want to write to "you" about my new glasses.
what is that feeling in my back?
i want to write more about football.
wait a second. i've never seen that mole before.
i want to sing the praises of the braves that have won, like, 25 games in a row since i wrote them off and still are playing relevant games during the last week of the season.
why am i dizzy?
i want to write about my girls. when's the last time i churned out a "hannah and caroline and me" post?
has that lump always been there?
i saw inglourious basterds and loved it. you wouldn't know it from visiting this site, though.
are those floaters that i am seeing?
i just bought brand new's daisy. after several listens, it's rivaling "the end of the world" for my album of the year (not so difficult this year since i've purchased less than ten records in 2009. pathetic.).
jesus christ. am i dizzy again?
fringe and the office are back. and yet, there's only a tiny part of me that gives a flip.
(types webmd.com again...clicks on "symptom checker") yep. brain tumor. that's the other shoe.
sarah asked me the other afternoon how much time during my day i wasn't thinking about the random things going on in my body. i told her less than five percent. that's probably being generous. i am constantly thinking about it. and by "constantly", i mean always. and by "always", i mean every waking second. i am not thinking about my girls. or my friends. or the halloween carnival. or playing softball. or alabama football. or the braves. or anything else. ever. because i am scared. to death. of something.
is it death? maybe. separation from my family and friends...or god? probably. something else entirely? just anxiety that's going to seem like a big joke six months or a year from now? damn...i hope so.
it is killing me right now. eating away at my soul. and i can't say it out loud. not as much as i feel it, because when people ask me (knowing what i went through during the summer) "how are you feeling?", they don't have the wont or the time to hear the real answer. that i feel like i am going crazy. that i feel like i've never felt before, and i want to get out. that if i was honest with the inquiring mind, i would probably start crying. it's not fair to those folks that have been thinking about me and praying for me. i've been a burden on them for too long already. i am thankful you don't live in the same house with me and see me during my lowest points. sarah and the girls spent the night away last night. i was a basketcase. i dozed for two hours (maybe), tops. and that was on accident. i woke up to the same sensations that i laid down with. i should be stronger than this, right?
this i know. i could go to my doctor and tell him all this (again). i could convince him to scan my head or my body and give me the visible evidence the pathology report suggested. i could make them show me they didn't "miss something" or that something hasn't been growing someplace they didn't look back in july even though the report says that what i had didn't go anywhere. i could do that. and i may, still, have to to escape having to admit myself into a psychiatric unit. but how long would that last? how long would i give that information its right credit? when would it's worth expire? a couple months? six? a year? do i really want to be "that guy" that has to pay out of pocket for co-pays and scans for the rest of his life for peace of mind, or can i just trust my doctor and those that love me and are privy to the same medical information i am and know that i should be and am ok. i want to be the latter. i do.
but i am a mess right now.
and i don't know what to do with it all.
on the surface, i look fine (other than this terrible-ass excuse for a beard). my scars have healed. i've got most of my weight back. i'm working. exercising. playing. faking a smile.
below the surface, something wicked this way will come. maybe in a few minutes at church. maybe later. but, it'll come. in the form of a dizzy feeling or tweak in my back or a sensation in my leg. and i am going to freak out about it.
i am sorry. this post is much more self-serving than most. i don't need you to feel sorry for me. i just need you to know. so, i don't have to tell you out loud and waste any more of your time.
this is homework. this is for me to read later today and tomorrow. this is me looking in the mirror and trying to move forward.
this is getting old.
so, why has HACAM become so hit and miss again after getting back into the swing of things last month?
well, the embarrassing and easy answer is because i can't work myself up to write much these days. it's not that i don't want to. i really do. but the last few weeks have been tough, and i am mired in something that i don't know how to get out of just yet.
i want to write to "you" about my new glasses.
what is that feeling in my back?
i want to write more about football.
wait a second. i've never seen that mole before.
i want to sing the praises of the braves that have won, like, 25 games in a row since i wrote them off and still are playing relevant games during the last week of the season.
why am i dizzy?
i want to write about my girls. when's the last time i churned out a "hannah and caroline and me" post?
has that lump always been there?
i saw inglourious basterds and loved it. you wouldn't know it from visiting this site, though.
are those floaters that i am seeing?
i just bought brand new's daisy. after several listens, it's rivaling "the end of the world" for my album of the year (not so difficult this year since i've purchased less than ten records in 2009. pathetic.).
jesus christ. am i dizzy again?
fringe and the office are back. and yet, there's only a tiny part of me that gives a flip.
(types webmd.com again...clicks on "symptom checker") yep. brain tumor. that's the other shoe.
sarah asked me the other afternoon how much time during my day i wasn't thinking about the random things going on in my body. i told her less than five percent. that's probably being generous. i am constantly thinking about it. and by "constantly", i mean always. and by "always", i mean every waking second. i am not thinking about my girls. or my friends. or the halloween carnival. or playing softball. or alabama football. or the braves. or anything else. ever. because i am scared. to death. of something.
is it death? maybe. separation from my family and friends...or god? probably. something else entirely? just anxiety that's going to seem like a big joke six months or a year from now? damn...i hope so.
it is killing me right now. eating away at my soul. and i can't say it out loud. not as much as i feel it, because when people ask me (knowing what i went through during the summer) "how are you feeling?", they don't have the wont or the time to hear the real answer. that i feel like i am going crazy. that i feel like i've never felt before, and i want to get out. that if i was honest with the inquiring mind, i would probably start crying. it's not fair to those folks that have been thinking about me and praying for me. i've been a burden on them for too long already. i am thankful you don't live in the same house with me and see me during my lowest points. sarah and the girls spent the night away last night. i was a basketcase. i dozed for two hours (maybe), tops. and that was on accident. i woke up to the same sensations that i laid down with. i should be stronger than this, right?
this i know. i could go to my doctor and tell him all this (again). i could convince him to scan my head or my body and give me the visible evidence the pathology report suggested. i could make them show me they didn't "miss something" or that something hasn't been growing someplace they didn't look back in july even though the report says that what i had didn't go anywhere. i could do that. and i may, still, have to to escape having to admit myself into a psychiatric unit. but how long would that last? how long would i give that information its right credit? when would it's worth expire? a couple months? six? a year? do i really want to be "that guy" that has to pay out of pocket for co-pays and scans for the rest of his life for peace of mind, or can i just trust my doctor and those that love me and are privy to the same medical information i am and know that i should be and am ok. i want to be the latter. i do.
but i am a mess right now.
and i don't know what to do with it all.
on the surface, i look fine (other than this terrible-ass excuse for a beard). my scars have healed. i've got most of my weight back. i'm working. exercising. playing. faking a smile.
below the surface, something wicked this way will come. maybe in a few minutes at church. maybe later. but, it'll come. in the form of a dizzy feeling or tweak in my back or a sensation in my leg. and i am going to freak out about it.
i am sorry. this post is much more self-serving than most. i don't need you to feel sorry for me. i just need you to know. so, i don't have to tell you out loud and waste any more of your time.
this is homework. this is for me to read later today and tomorrow. this is me looking in the mirror and trying to move forward.
this is getting old.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
"more on that after tonight's game."
...plus the two after that.
you know how there were two big stories leading up to the big bama/va. tech game? one, of course, was the julio/mark ingram fishing trip that probably, if it wasn't alabama football, should've never become a story. everyone in "saban nation" held their collective breaths in the hopes that two of alabama's most quality starters wouldn't be suspended for the opening, if not more, game. we all exhaled when it was announced that the two would be eligible to play.
the second story? it was the one about brandon deaderick getting shot. yep. alabama's starting defensive tackle that took a bullet in the arm and the thigh just days before his 2009 season opener. the first wave of concern was for the well-being of the young man. "is he OK?" "boy, that sucks for him!" "i hope they catch the guy that did it." that kind of stuff. once those questions were answered, though, the second wave of concern turned toward "well, since he's OK and all, ...is he going to play?" typical bama fans. typical any fans, right? the short version, as we all know, is that he did, in fact, man up and freaking play. that he did still amazes me. i only have had guns pointed in my direction, and both times i couldn't function for a month. that this guy actually got shot and went and did his football thing less than a week later is only more evidence of how much of a woman i truly am. i digress.
how many of you that watched the game remember deaderick having any sort of tangible impact on the game? any of you? sure, his name and his guts were mentioned, but i watched every snap of the game and most of the replay and it wasn't him as much as it was cody and dareus and anders on the defensive line that stood out to me. the d-line dominated for a lot of the game, and a guy that started every single game last year was hardly mentioned. and therein, more than any other example that i've seen through bama's first three games, lies the point that now defines this new era of alabama football. quality depth.
shula era fans could usually count on alabama's first 22 being on par or close to, talent-wise, their sec competition. not so with the second string, though, and if something major happened to a position at the top two levels of the depth chart, avert your eyes! remember when alabama would occasionally trot out a white receiver? exactly. white receivers shouldn't happen on purpose. just sayin'. and don't give me wes welker, friends of mine. he's the exception that proves the rule.
things are different now, though, and alabama has quality depth at almost every position. my most recent talking point over the last couple of weeks has been how julio's bruised knee may be the key for another dream season if only for the reason that mcelroy has now become acquainted with teammates whom catch the ball that don't wear number 8. do we, as fans, want our jesus back? of course we do. but it will be much easier for julio, long term, if maize and peak and mccoy can draw some attention their way too.
b.j. (or burton) scott is another great example of what i am speaking to. i don't have the numbers in front of me, but rivals and scout dot com anoint, i would guess around 50 or so high school seniors as "five star" recruits every year. two years ago, b.j. was one of those, right along with julio. his coming was to the capstone was almost as compelling as julio's. almost. but here was a kid that, like mark ingram and julio, already "looked" the part and had physical skills to spare. where has b.j. scott been the last 17 games??? mostly, on the bench. without a place to play. my guess is that he'll take javy's role both on D and in the return game next year, but to have such a talented and regarded athlete holding his helmet every saturday says all you need to hear about the excess of talent saban is stocking in tuscaloosa.
it's probably unfair for me to make any sort of projections on the season now that we're three weeks in, but i will say this. barring any unforeseen injuries, alabama losing more than two games this year will be a major upset in my head. sure, they could trip up if they take someone lightly, but the longer saban is there, the less likely that seems. but they will have more, on paper, than every team they play this year minus lsu and a potential rematch with tebow and friends to end the season. and they've got lsu at home. the one achilles heel remains the group in the secondary that seem to have learned their trade at the anthony madison school for never getting their head around to see the ball, so we'll just have to see if that plays a major role in an upset as we move forward.
being an alabama fan has not been this fun or given so much reason for optimism in a long, long time. timing-wise, for me, this has been a good thing. having one more thing to worry about and/or stay up at night dwelling on would be bad for personal business. thank you, nick saban, for taking my happiness into account.
you are the man.
roll tide.
...plus the two after that.
you know how there were two big stories leading up to the big bama/va. tech game? one, of course, was the julio/mark ingram fishing trip that probably, if it wasn't alabama football, should've never become a story. everyone in "saban nation" held their collective breaths in the hopes that two of alabama's most quality starters wouldn't be suspended for the opening, if not more, game. we all exhaled when it was announced that the two would be eligible to play.
the second story? it was the one about brandon deaderick getting shot. yep. alabama's starting defensive tackle that took a bullet in the arm and the thigh just days before his 2009 season opener. the first wave of concern was for the well-being of the young man. "is he OK?" "boy, that sucks for him!" "i hope they catch the guy that did it." that kind of stuff. once those questions were answered, though, the second wave of concern turned toward "well, since he's OK and all, ...is he going to play?" typical bama fans. typical any fans, right? the short version, as we all know, is that he did, in fact, man up and freaking play. that he did still amazes me. i only have had guns pointed in my direction, and both times i couldn't function for a month. that this guy actually got shot and went and did his football thing less than a week later is only more evidence of how much of a woman i truly am. i digress.
how many of you that watched the game remember deaderick having any sort of tangible impact on the game? any of you? sure, his name and his guts were mentioned, but i watched every snap of the game and most of the replay and it wasn't him as much as it was cody and dareus and anders on the defensive line that stood out to me. the d-line dominated for a lot of the game, and a guy that started every single game last year was hardly mentioned. and therein, more than any other example that i've seen through bama's first three games, lies the point that now defines this new era of alabama football. quality depth.
shula era fans could usually count on alabama's first 22 being on par or close to, talent-wise, their sec competition. not so with the second string, though, and if something major happened to a position at the top two levels of the depth chart, avert your eyes! remember when alabama would occasionally trot out a white receiver? exactly. white receivers shouldn't happen on purpose. just sayin'. and don't give me wes welker, friends of mine. he's the exception that proves the rule.
things are different now, though, and alabama has quality depth at almost every position. my most recent talking point over the last couple of weeks has been how julio's bruised knee may be the key for another dream season if only for the reason that mcelroy has now become acquainted with teammates whom catch the ball that don't wear number 8. do we, as fans, want our jesus back? of course we do. but it will be much easier for julio, long term, if maize and peak and mccoy can draw some attention their way too.
b.j. (or burton) scott is another great example of what i am speaking to. i don't have the numbers in front of me, but rivals and scout dot com anoint, i would guess around 50 or so high school seniors as "five star" recruits every year. two years ago, b.j. was one of those, right along with julio. his coming was to the capstone was almost as compelling as julio's. almost. but here was a kid that, like mark ingram and julio, already "looked" the part and had physical skills to spare. where has b.j. scott been the last 17 games??? mostly, on the bench. without a place to play. my guess is that he'll take javy's role both on D and in the return game next year, but to have such a talented and regarded athlete holding his helmet every saturday says all you need to hear about the excess of talent saban is stocking in tuscaloosa.
it's probably unfair for me to make any sort of projections on the season now that we're three weeks in, but i will say this. barring any unforeseen injuries, alabama losing more than two games this year will be a major upset in my head. sure, they could trip up if they take someone lightly, but the longer saban is there, the less likely that seems. but they will have more, on paper, than every team they play this year minus lsu and a potential rematch with tebow and friends to end the season. and they've got lsu at home. the one achilles heel remains the group in the secondary that seem to have learned their trade at the anthony madison school for never getting their head around to see the ball, so we'll just have to see if that plays a major role in an upset as we move forward.
being an alabama fan has not been this fun or given so much reason for optimism in a long, long time. timing-wise, for me, this has been a good thing. having one more thing to worry about and/or stay up at night dwelling on would be bad for personal business. thank you, nick saban, for taking my happiness into account.
you are the man.
roll tide.
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