i resolve...
(2010)
((the year we face our fears))


new year's resolutions are like boxes of chocolate. you never know what you're gonna get. some ridiculously overrated movie character said something like that once.

speaking of...

tell me to name my top five movies of all time. do it!

i can't. narrowing the list down to five would just be too hard.

do it!!!

ok. ok. jeebus. shawshank, pulp fiction, cool hand luke, la confidential, fight club. there. there's a rough draft. satisfied???

two of my favorite movies of ALL TIME were released the same year as "runnn, forrest, runnn", and both were deemed not as deserving for that year's greatest prize. and it's a damn shame. one changed the way movies were made and one, in my opinion, is the single greatest movie and story about hope that ever was. gump was a fine movie. i will give it that. i enjoyed it. would enjoy it again if i sat down and watched it right now. it just wasn't "change the world" good, just like every box of chocolates i've ever had.

give me shawshank or give me death. i'll probably just re-gift your box of candy.

i digress.

to the resolutions.

i am a couple weeks late, but no one will remember that come the end of december. man, i hope i make it to the end of december, which brings us to number one. are you surprised???

1) don't die - no shocker here. karma bit me on the ass last year when i let this one slip to number two. her cruel joke was to take one kidney from me, put the fear of death into my brain so that i would not be able to shake it and see how i reacted. well, i see your joke, karma, and i hear you loud and clear. to be serious for a moment, i didn't realize it at the time, but i do now. the moment i first peed blood, i was being given a second chance. at least, that is how i am choosing to look at it. a second chance to be all i can be for my family, for my friends and for my church. which brings us to number two...

2) get "operation limbo" off the ground, up and running - my first year as lay leader was a relatively quiet one, right??? unless you partly blame me and my deceitfully evil gang of weeds for running off dcd. if that is the case, invite me to your fantasy world, won't you? i would love a cup of special tea too, but i hope you'll come back and join us at 711 gene reed road soon. things will be changing this year for the better. for the first time in a long time. gone, for now, is the discord that has defined us for too many years. here, for now, is a peace and quiet that might allow good people to do good things and reap good rewards along the way. "operation limbo" will be my first honest attempt at stirring the juices of our fair starship humc since 2005. don't know what i am talking about yet? you will. soon. stay tuned.

3) be a more than serviceable lay leader - for those of you that pay attention, this one will serve to be the next logical step towards my new year's resolutions in 2014 when number two that year will be "be the greatest motherscratching lay leader god ever put on this earth". last year, i laid in wait for the most part, serving my church in quiet and subtle ways. voicing opinions that i found important. reading some scripture. kicking some ass in vbs. you know...the usual. this year, my guess is that you'll see my ugly mug and my crooked teeth a little more often. i hope this isn't too much of a turnoff for those that walk our halls that still have trouble making eye contact with me. just know that i love you. and i am trying to be more than serviceable.

4) prepare for the inevitable - how weak-ass weak is it that the college football season is over? alabama basketball sucks. the falcons suck. and spring training hasn't arrived, so i can't hate the braves yet. what is a floundering fan to attach his irrational emotional investment to? i don't know either. so, i'll just pine for alabama football and hope that august gets here sooner rather than later. the inevitable i resolve to prepare for is this. bama has not lost a regular season game in TWO FREAKING years. next season, they host penn st., florida and an improving auburn team. they have to go back to baton rouge. the law of averages is bound to catch up with this team at some point, right? i mean, they can't completely retool and reload their defense and go undefeated again next year, right? they can't just outscore every opponent with their entire offense coming back and control the sec like it was the late 70's again, right? jesus. i hope so. but i'll mentally prepare for a loss anyway, just to be safe. number four is pretty high for something as trivial as college sports, but the trivial crimson tide helped me heal from cancer. that's worth bumping them up a couple slots in my book. roll tide.

5) don't forget about my deceitfully evil gang of weeds - i announced "operation limbo" to my SS class this past sunday, and pledged to them that i wouldn't be leaving them for good when limbo gets started. concerning healing from cancer, this group was just as important, not only as a support system but as a carrot on a stick to get back to them, to look forward to hanging out with them on wednesday nights. there is no other group in the church that has given love a bad name like we have. and i couldn't be any more proud of anything than i am of that fact. all that being said, and sarah can attest to this, when i threw my head into "big things" at the church in the early 2000's, it was easy for me to get very single-minded and forge ahead with blinders on to the rest of the world. limbo is going to be extremely important, to me and to our church and to our community. my weeds must remain every bit as important.

6) say no to drugs - and by drugs, i mean lexapro. i would like to believe that, by the end of this year, i can fight off my demons naturally without the assistance of a tiny pill altering the chemical balances in my brain. we'll see.

7) find brian again - i failed at this last year, but i can't give up the ghost. whether it's driving to savannah or convincing him to come back home, i gotta get closer to my brother. and it can't be because i can't get out of my hospital bed without him.

8) find dad again - oh shit. what's going on here? i've tried to move on. i have. it's just not working out for me. there are about five people in this world that i could not see for months and then, out of the blue, go to dreamland with and pick up like we just saw each other last weekend. in my opinion, if you have those people in your life, you should probably spend more time with them, not less. dad is one of those. so, yeah. that's what's going on here.

9) take ken to a braves game - continuing number eight's theme. i have another brother. his name is ken. he lives in atlanta. he has a baby boy. i am his uncle. i've never met him. how fucking ridiculous am i? exactly. very fucking ridiculous. differences this. hurt feelings that. blah, blah, blah. excuses. i am the fucking vincent van gogh of excuses. only one other person i've met can carry the same loving disdain for the braves as i can. that's ken. i resolve to take him to a game this year and have seats close enough for melky cabrera to hear every single one of our taunts.

10) keep loving my girls - if you've read these lists before, you know i always offer myself a gimme. this one is easy, but ever-evolving. hannah's becoming a trainwreck. she is finding herself, testing boundaries, talking back. more often than not, i want to destroy all of her toys in front of her so that she can understand how painful she is making it for me to like her. and then she sucks on her "meow". she trances out and is the most Godly thing, in every sense of the word, i will ever lay eyes on. she understands her wrongdoings and starts to say "yessir" and "yes ma'am" in that sweet voice of hers. she plays with her sister. incites laughter that will make my heart fill with joy. she becomes, again, the reason i waste my time maintaining this site. she is my everything. and caroline, sweeeeet caroline (bah, bah, baaahhh). i have a hard time remembering hannah at this age. i was away a lot, in body and mind. caroline can be her own trainwreck, but it a weirdly different way. obstinate at times to the point of confusion. cute and cuddly and adorable in others. talkative. sitting on the potty. dancing to the black eyed peas. spitting out her food that she just chewed up. she's my everything too. keep loving my girls. this one should be easy.

good luck to all my fellow list makers. may you all have years that you can be proud of.