hannah and caroline and my sick one kidney


well, it's been a heavy month, yeah? at the beginning of july, i was on antibiotics for what my primary care physician coined a "really bad infection". two days after beginning the antibiotic, the only symptom that has presented itself throughout this entire endeavor began to clear up...only to come back a few days later.

and then the trip to see a urologist, dr. wade. i was with him for less than an hour, but the news he shared with me would change my outlook on life, if not my actual life, forever. a mass, now confirmed to be malignant, was found growing inside my right kidney.

whoa.

three weeks later, i find my way to the hospital to have the kidney removed. a day later, i receive the best news possible, that the tumor is completely contained and isolated in the kidney, the cancerous cells having not even moved into the margins of the affected organ. the doctor tells us to "celebrate" the good news. we take a deep breath. we move on to recovering from the surgery, itself.

the last week has been a trying one. i have never experienced consistent pain like i have over the last seven days. i went without pain medication for the first time last night. my staples have been removed. i am still a week away from driving, probably over two from returning full time to work. i am not very good at just sitting around. my mind goes to too many dark places.

i am ready to get out of the house again. ready to spend some time with friends again. ready to play softball again (even though that's several weeks off). that being said, this week has been a unique one at home. sarah and i don't have a whole lot of time to ourselves anymore. and even though she's been playing the role of nurse, it's been good to have the time.

it's kind of sad that this weekend will mark the beginning of a return to our new normal. i won't have my first follow-up scan for three months. after recovering from surgery, it will be back to business as usual for a while. by time for my next panic attack, hannah will have started kindergarten. wow. my big girl. caroline, hopefully, will be just a little less "terrible" as she turns two. i'll eventually get back on the field. we'll be getting ready for advent and a trip to georgia for some turkey and dressing. kinda weird. life marches on. i guess it's time to get back on the train and stop feeling sorry for myself.

i hope things will be less heavy here. HACAM hasn't been a whole lot of fun over the last month. and i hate that. this is one of my truly enjoyable escapes, and i want to get back to talking some about the braves that are trying to maintain my interest and the beginning of the college football season being close enough to taste at this point.

let's face it, though. my life and this blog has now seen it's "game-changer". here's hoping that i can incorporate my and our new normal into what used to be a lot of fun around here before the kidney thing went down. there are too many good and relevant things going on in my life that will affect my girls' lives not to make note of them, right?

no more whammies.

hannah and caroline and my sick kidney
(part three)


short and sweet this time around. my day-before-surgery "preparation" will call me back to the bathroom soon.

i am feeling ok about things this afternoon, and i thought it might be worth my time to document that. i worry. that's what i do. i can't claim that all of the fears that have ravaged my imagination and led to night after night of bad sleep are no longer there.

but fear is such a silly thing anyway, isn't it? the way that it manifests itself to me is probably different than you. and that's natural, of course. more than anything else in the last three weeks, i've been reminded at how immature my faith still is. how, in spite of immersing myself in the bible and church and god for the last ten-plus years, i could not have felt and feel more inadequate or unqualified at the thought of having served as a spokesman for god for the last however many years. people should listen to me, why? i probably know more bible trivia than most of you. fantastic. that hasn't helped me at all the last three weeks.

the only thing that has helped has been grasping, with new understanding and enlightenment, that i am not in control. but that there are many, many people (probably most that i've never even met) praying for me. for my health. for my peace of mind. for a calmness. for my family. for my future. all on behalf of a god that i know loves me very much. what a gift. what a gift that i will never be able to pay back. pretty overwhelming.

my surgery will be at 7:00 tomorrow morning. i know you will be there with me.

talk to you soon.

good-bye, right kidney. we had a good run. i am sorry you decided you'd be better off serving as fertile ground for some silly mass/tumor/whatever it ends up being. where did that get you? homeless, that's where. homeless and alone.

i am glad i am not alone.

hannah and caroline and my sick kidney
(part two)
((to the beach))


after the doctor broke the news to me a couple weeks ago tomorrow, we moved to scheduling what would and will be the inevitable. the surgery. he asked me if i had any "big plans" over the next couple of weeks that he would need to take under advisement when finding a good time to remove the kidney with the big mass in it. the only thing i had going on was our family long-weekend to the beach, i told him. he talked to his assistant and came back with the date of july 23rd. i told him that i'd be more than happy to postpone or cancel, altogether, the trip if that enhanced my chances of a full recovery. he appreciated the notion, but told me i would be fine to go and it would probably be good for me and my family to have the trip to take my mind off the procedure and recovery to come.

leaving that thursday, i wasn't sure what i should think about having to wait three weeks to have the surgery. was he just allowing me the vacation because he knew (and i worried) that it would probably be the last vacation i would ever get to take??? thankfully, i've been told otherwise and i've let (most of) that irrational fear go.

a lot has changed inside my head over the last two weeks. i've gone from being a complete and total emotional wreck to almost coming to terms with the idea that i am going to be fine. "fine" will be different than how i might have defined it this time two weeks ago. back then, "fine" definitely would have included having two kidneys. since then, though, i've heard story after story about people living long and healthy lives with one after having the other removed. i've heard stories about people being born with one kidney. and i try and remind myself many times every day that doctors would not allow people to donate kidneys if you couldn't get well enough along without one.

no, missing a kidney will be different than missing my appendix or tonsils. but if my grandmother can do this, i can freaking do this, right? i told that grandmother and my aunt today, when they stopped in the store to say "hey", that 99 percent of my last few days i feel very good about my future and my new "fine". yet, there is still that 1 percent that sneaks in and scares me when i least expect it. i guess that may always be a part of my new "fine". or maybe, some months or years down the road, that may go away too. i hope so. i pray so.

and so, tomorrow we go to the beach, the first time sarah and i have traveled anywhere since our honeymoon for several consecutive days that wasn't with a group from the church or with other family. not that all of those trips weren't incredibly special in their own right, but i think the timing of this trip and the way in which it will be unique will be good for all of us. i really do.

i don't know if i'll promise another update before the surgery. i am sure when i am home and have way too much time on my hands while mending, i'll make up here for all the lost time. as cool as documenting each day leading up to the big event may have seemed last week, not thinking about it quite so much has been cooler.

maybe if my anxiety isn't registering too high next wednesday (while i am at home "preparing" for the surgery), i'll drop a quick note in to wish myself and my girls and my blog well. if not, though, i beg of you for continued good thoughts and good prayers if you have the time. and i thank you for any moment that you have spent with your mind towards my and my family's situation the last couple of weeks. i've told several people over the last few days that i truly believe much of my current peace of mind has arrived via the power of prayer and the miraculous ways that god allows for us to speak to him and one another without ever saying anything out loud.

i am completely floored and flattered that you would share a moment of your time with and for me. thank you.

time to go get a sunburn.

hannah and caroline and my sick kidney
(part one)


nine days away from the blog just may be a record for me. i am not interested enough to do the research to find out or not, so we'll just agree that it's been a while.

i don't have a ton to say today other than i felt like i wanted to, at least, open this topic up here in an effort towards wrapping my head around the idea of documenting the next couple weeks leading up to my surgery and then during the recovery portion of the program.

(to those that this post might serve as an announcement, i was diagnosed with a mass in my right kidney last thursday that will require the kidney's removal on july 23rd. if it catches you off guard, i do apologize and only ask for your prayers and positive thoughts for myself and my family over the next few weeks as we dig in and take this unexpected news and realize it now as our new normal. the word "normal" has never felt so weird and foreign to me as it has the last few days.)

there have been moments (and i know there will continue to be) over the last few days, that this discovery and "what it all means" to my life moving forward has completely taken me over. the panic attacks that i've been able to rationalize away for the last however many years are not pushed back so easily anymore. having tangible evidence presented to you that says "something is not right here" is just the thing that i've always worried about. i suppose my approach has been something along the lines of "if i take my umbrella in with me, it won't rain." that being, if i thought negatively enough about what could go wrong, maybe all those negative thoughts and mental torment would be a fair substitute for something actual. note to self: that didn't work.

i've been told that the mass/tumor being there is just a bad break relative to my age. i've been told that i am lucky that if something like this were to show up in my body, at least it happened in a place where i have a capable replacement waiting to carry the full load. i have been told by my doctor that i will be considered for the rest of my life in the same way any kidney donor would. i'll be monitored, sure, but i'll drink the same things, eat the same things, and do the same things i am already used to doing. in my rational moments, i can accept this train of thought. there is a part of me that thinks i could even embrace it at some point. i have no doubt it my mind that had i two healthy kidneys at my disposal and one of my family or friends needed an extra, i would be the first in line to step up and offer one for the greater good. no problem. today, i hope and pray for this best case scenario.

i have many more irrational fears that i won't go into detail with today. maybe later. maybe not. we'll just see. most of them center around if i was so unlucky to have this mass form in me at such a young age, do all the other more favorable percentages actually apply to me anymore? i am sure they do. i hope they do. that's just what i fear. i hope that's ok. and i want, more than anything, for someone to prove my fears silly sooner rather than later.

this journey will have it's ups and downs, just like any journey in life. i know that. i hope that soon i can provide testimony to those whose own peace of mind might need it that something quite scary can be turned into something quite positive.

i don't know if i've ever believed "everything happens for a reason", but i do believe in god, his son as my savior, the power to heal and the power to grow wise through experience, good and bad.

this is bad. but not so bad that it can't be overcome. i am going to overcome it and i'll be better for it. please help me see this through.

i love you, my wife. i love you, my beautiful girls. i love you, my friends that are already caring and praying for me.

this is not the end. this is just a new chapter.

a quick post-mortem


so, did you watch?...

what did you think?...

brazil was just better, right?

color me just as surprised as any fan rooting for the huge upset with the us' first-half performance. not only were both goals completely legitimate and not fluky, but they were, in fact, wonderful pieces of soccer. as i mentioned last post, clint dempsey has tons of talent, and it took every bit of it to put the deft touch on spector's cross and redirect it towards the back of the net. even more impressive was the back and forth between landon and davies, ending with a money finish by landon, often criticized for padding his "goals scored" with penalty kicks and infrequently scoring during run of play. seriously, the second goal was just magnificent, and with those goals accompanying the truth that was every touch by benny feilhaber, i could feel the upset in my toes. i even did a lap around the kitchen with both my hands raised after going up 2-0.

and then brazil woke up.

the difference between the spain match and today's was the early us advantage was a genuine product of them outplaying the more talented brazilians. i didn't get the feeling that brazil was coasting. but one could totally understand the thought (if it was there) that they might not need an a-plus effort against a squad they torched just over a week ago.

i can imagine being in the brazil locker room at halftime. i can visualize the coach of brazil calmly addressing his team and telling them to attack. and they did. just over a minute into the second half, brazil scored. and they took off from there. not a moment played out in the last forty-five where the us felt like the better side. the talent from brazil just screamed out of the television. kaka and robinho and luis fabiano were dominant. and try as they may, and they did try, the us was no match.

my only complaint may be an ignorant one, but i only hope, that after being used off the bench for the first four games of the tournament, benny had run out of gas when he was taken out of the game with fifteen minutes to play. he (and landon in spots) was the most composed us player on the ball all day. sharp with the ball, i only remember him turning the ball over once. and to my surprise, he was pretty tough on defense. taking one of only two true playmakers off the field with the balance still up for debate made little sense. again, i'll just hope that he didn't have anything left in the tank.

i wished for a competitive match to watch, and it was that. moving forward and back into qualifying for a return trip to south africa next year will provide bob bradley with too many tough decisions. is right back now spector's position to lose, or will cherundolo be the guy now that he's getting healthy? is charlie davies in the long term plans? how does benny not play all game every game from this point out? have we really seen the last of demarcus beasley?

the team that showed up for the last three games of this tournament should, theoretically, mow through every qualifying opponent and clinch their spot in next year's world cup sooner rather than later. will they?

i hope so. if nothing else, the last couple of matches have gotten me excited again about us soccer. i couldn't have said that this time eight days ago.

tough loss, but a deserved one. keep moving forward.

anatomy of an upset a lucky result based on good effort and the other team not showing up


chris perry has already tempted me to try and correlate us soccer's unexpected victory over soccer giants, spain, wednesday afternoon to the possibility of huffman (church) pulling the same type of upset over it's current situation and defeat...something. but i'll not do it. not today. well, not in this opening paragraph anyway. we'll see where this goes.

the victory was stunning in a lot of ways, but not so stunning in others. let's take a look.

(pause while half of the six people that read this blog check out because i am going to ramble about something they care nothing about)

(they'll be sorry when i bash the new preacher late in the post)

ok...we're back. here's the take home point to the glory that was the triumph wednesday afternoon. it shouldn't have felt so surprising.

for years now, us soccer has been touting "project 2010". the idea behind it being that, four years later, every ounce of potential and energy would be squeezed out of the developing young players that disappointed in the 2006 world cup. that roster would be infused with even newer and more exciting talent coming through the us soccer pipeline. qualifying for the tournament, itself, would be a breeze and nothing more than an afterthought to the ultimate goal. to "compete" in the 2010 world cup as if us soccer had "arrived". the us would never be the favorite, but the world would not see the us knocking off stiff competition as fluky, moreso an announcement that this country must now be understood as a legitimate threat and consistently be found in the top ten of the fifa world rankings. it hasn't worked out that way.

the roster at this week's confederation cup is not drastically different than four years ago. our best player is still landon donovan, and he still isn't good enough (unfortunately, his age now suggests he never will be) to force his will on another team. and therein lies the biggest problem. the us guy doesn't have a star position player. not one. the us always has a quality, if not world-class, goalkeeper, and this team is no different with tim howard. but a goalkeeper can't win games for you. he can only keep you in them. to win the games you must find a way to use your available resources in a way that trumps the other team's resources. in that regard, the us is always behind the eight ball. on paper against big time teams, our talent is nowhere close to a spain, england, brazil, etc. not close. the us does not have one world respected player not in goal. not one! using the idea of and the goals set forth by project 2010, the us is failing to make the global impact necessary to be a legitimate power.

so, where does the fault for this lie? who knows. it makes no sense to me that we can't develop a left or right back that can go forward and impact a game like a sergio ramos from spain. it makes no sense to me that, with all the kids in this country that play soccer growing up, we still haven't found a replacement in our midfield for tab ramos, the last us player that always looked comfortable with the ball at his feet, even in traffic. it makes no sense to me that we can't develop a striker with more skill than "man, he's strong. look at that jozy go. too bad he can't dribble." or a guy that's only good in the air. is it how we train? is it a lack of quality competition once you graduate high school in this country? it's not that we don't have athletes. we have guys that can run. we have big, strong defenders. to use a baseball term, we just don't have any "five-tool" guys. guys that can do everything well. landon's as close as we have, but he has too much of a tendency to disappear into unselfishness when he finds himself in "big" games.

here are the highlights to wednesday's upset...

tim howard - freakishly good, as he is capable of being every game.

oguchi onyewu - terribly solid. controlled the middle most of the game.

landon - wasn't a superstar, but has played two consecutive solid games.

the so-so's...

jozy - his goal was one good, strong turn and a lucky break from the spanish goalkeeper. he kicked the ball right down the middle and the keeper was leaning wrong. otherwise, he turned the ball over way too much. goal counts, though.

michael bradley - never exciting, but did his job for the most part.

rest of the backline - solid, bend-don't-break defense all night.

the one shining moments...

clint dempsey - he is the yunel escobar of this team. lots of talent. unfortunately, is aware he has lots of talent. allows talent to carry him only so far. never actually exploits talent to carry him to next level. has the potential to own this team. will never happen. got lucky that sergio ramos lost him for the second goal. can thank benny and landon for getting the ball to him.

listen, i appreciate the team's effort, but spain was the better side all game. way more talent. way more possession. way more chances. way more shots.

but in soccer, none of that matters if you can score the first goal. after that, you can defend like crazy with ten guys (like the us did, give them credit for that) and make it immensely difficult for the other team to score (which the us did, give them credit for that).

and so it happened. an underachieving soccer country (based on it's own goals) lived up to it's stated potential for one day. the true test will be sunday when they play a team in brazil that's just as talented as spain and will not take them for granted. when they play a team that has already embarrassed them 10 days earlier. if they can beat brazil sunday, now that will be worth an epic post.

as for the humc comparisons, we'll hold off on that. currently, the church doesn't have anything like project 2010 to measure itself against. we are trying to work out of "project...hey, what was our project again???". when we start setting goals and making plans for our future, maybe then we can compare ourselves to us soccer.

'til then, watch the game sunday afternoon and you tell me, score notwithstanding, who the better team is/was. if my man, benny, gets to play the whole game, the us will stand a better chance of being in the conversation.

do you hear me, bob bradley? benny feilhaber for 90 minutes, please!!!

hey, he didn't say anything about the pastor!

would you just go watch some soccer?!?!?

"that's just the way things are...
(...that's just the way it is now")


i would argue that you don't know the true meaning of father's day until you've heard your five year-old daughter sing a rancid song right along with you on your way to church. it really is the little things in life, isn't it? no. not usually. 'cause i would consider hannah singing a ska track by one of her daddy's favorite bands pretty damn big. this, mind you, followed hannah presenting me with my official father's day gift, a t-shirt with a big ass guitar on it. also very cool.

when i grow up, i may still become a dad whose kids get him socks and a tie on father's day. today, it's quite the pleasant feeling that hannah wouldn't even have reason to think of something so boring as these as an offering to this, the most current iteration of her "daddy".

as my own personal character arc and redemption story continues to find it's footing, this morning officially saw our church beginning a new season after her severe and umpteenth course-correction. as fun and celebratory as last week felt, vacation bible school sunday was the pilot with the big budget, if you will. this morning was episode one. producers cringe in the corner of their office biting their fingernails. what will people think when the pomp is removed? how will this circumstance, the one that will and should feel like most services, feel? like something worth getting excited about? like something worth coming back for? like something worth giving a few weeks to play out? like "well, that was ok, but we'll probably try another channel next week."? like, well, what?

week one felt stressless, for one. from the sound booth, i would make sure the four speakers could be heard (check.). i would take some mental notes for the post that was sure to follow (check.). and i would try and soak it in and feel like i was worshipping for a change (half-check.). i think one of the weird things about the position i've put myself in (completely on me. believe me.) at my church is i don't feel like i worship anymore. i enjoy singing the hymns loudly and proudly. i affirm my faith and make intentional attempts to change the inflection in my voice so as to escape falling prey to a monotonous and empty-headed routine. after that, all bets have seemed to be off. wanting nothing more to feel like everyone is on the same page and moving together to create a wonderful service, for years now, i sit and wait for the first and next mistake.

awesome. they're reading the wrong scripture.

why are we singing the wrong song?

why is he singing again?

wow. really? another verse.

that prayer request you gave me about the dead young man. where did i put that?

why is that mic not on?

why is that mic still on?

don't bring up your last mistake. don't bring up your last mistake.

cripes. that joke wasn't funny at all.

geez. they just referenced the bad joke again.

didn't i see that story in an e-mail forward?

did they just not credit snopes?

that communion server dude just sneezed into his hand...after the blessing of the sanitizer.

note to self: don't go in that dude's line.

it's simple folks. we don't move 'til after the cross leaves.

and so on.

it's been a horrible way to spend the worship hour. i know it. sarah knows it. my family that i share most sunday lunches with knows it. my friends know it. but i can't get out of the cycle. it's just been too easy to anticipate and see the same trainwreck happen week after week after week. we can't seem to get out of our way. and we can't seem to care, collectively, enough to try and fix the problems.

and so, thanks to the itinerant system we pledge to, we course-correct. start all over. hop back to the future with someone that's bound that be good-hearted and just open-minded enough to accept us, flaws included. with someone that will want what is best for our church and what is best for our "family". with someone that will have a philosophy that's different from "the last guy" but not so different that we have to go baptist or something (zing!).

if this morning's any indication, we have a product that is worth selling. a product less piano man, less serious voice and (hopefully) less D-R-A-M-A than what we're used to. which, in my opinion (which counts for jack-zero), are all good things. i pray that we move into our "first 90 days" with honest effort and expectations and go from there. no goal-setting just yet. maybe just a hope that, sometime in the future, we'll be well-oiled to the point of not having to pay attention to the trees anymore. a hope to see the forest again. man, that would be nice.

(sings hannah) "that's just the way things are...that's just the way it is now." (faded hornline)

"you're so money and you don't even know it."


there's a good chance that you are missing something special that's right here, under your nose. if you are a casual or committed visitor to this page, you may or you may not have tried out any of the links to your right in an effort "to pass the time". if you have, you've probably noticed that most of the blogs that i've linked to never update. you may also have noticed that i refuse to believe my favorite nfl player of all time doesn't share a relationship with my favorite team anymore. to the former point, though, if the lack of updates have caused you to stop checking one blog in particular, well, then, i am here today to tell you you're missing out.

scrolling down a page and following directions can, sometimes, be tiresome, so i am going to do all of the work for you. every link you'll need to be in the know and join in the fun will be connected to this post. don't you worry.

now, what the hell are you talking about?

i am getting to it. i just want to make sure and not sell the effort short, because the effort of it all is what truly mesmerizes me.

a young man, jacob sutton, that found his way through my youth group at huffman is currently hiking the appalachian trail. not part of it, mind you, but his goal is to hike the entire freaking thing!

now, at this point in our respective lives, i would call jacob a friend. i think he would probably say the same about me. i hope so. a relationship forged initially with me in the role of mentor and him figuratively under my wing has transitioned (as most of those relationships have) into one of mutual respect and admiration. one that has no problem finding bad to decent mexican food to serve as catalyst to conversations ranging from recalling the "good ole days" to wondering what this crazy life is all about already.

having said all of that, i will say that i don't know jacob inside and out, and there are parts of him that i don't fully understand.

first and foremost, why on god's green and mountainous earth would he want to spend five months out in the forests of several states traveling on foot to godknowswhere, maine??? this mystery, above all others in my life currently, is keeping me up on some nights, on those nights that i choose to think too hard about it.

to me and in my own very narrow-minded opinion, there has got to be something tangible that drives jacob and others to do such a thing. as cool and critical to whomever's life experience i could be thinking about right now, this is something different than a month spent overseas, studying and soaking in a culture different than your own. i know the two experiences share parallels, but they are...different. different in ways that, both, are amazing and fun for me to think about. different in ways that convince me i have very little interest in mirroring either type of experience.

similar in that, to a homebody like myself, they both incite the always present question of "why?" and "wheretofore?", the answers to which i find most fascinating and enlightening.

where is jacob going? and i don't mean, "where in maine...?"

why is he going? and i don't mean to hear, "because he can."

what is there to find? it surely can't just be about the bears, right?

and maybe it is. and maybe it's not. that's all part of it. and i love that he's doing it. because i never could. because i don't like being wet. and i don't like bugs. and i hate when my feet are sore. and i think mountains are god's way of telling me that i should go back to where i came from. and i know that unless it's about sports or fistfights, i am a pretty whiny little girl.

i am comfortable in my own skin, love it or leave it. when i have traveled in my life, the experiences have only illuminated that i am where i am supposed to be. some birds need to fly away to find themselves. some only need to be punched in the face. count me in the second group. and count me happy to say that with confidence at a relatively young age. i don't begrudge the flyers. i only hope to understand them more. at least, those that i care about.

jacob is a flyer, and i only wish to understand him more.

i feel lucky that he's opened up this journey for "all the world to see". it's likely you have no idea (at least yet) that he's gone. you do now. you can know more too if you are interested.

turns out, it seems like one of jacob's many talents is seeing the world as a camera might find her. click here for proof.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jacobdsutton/

turns out, it seems like one of jacob's many talents is describing his voyage on the good ship "AT" in a way that makes you feel like you are there with him. click here for proof.

http://trailjournals.com/jacob

i am quite aware of the many, many books that have been written about the appalachian trail, it's history, it's purpose, it's champions, it's detractors, the victors, the spoils and every life that's been touched and published because their feet touched that dirt. i don't know those people, though, and they don't really interest me.

i know jacob. he is quite interesting. and so i am living the journey, his journey, vicariously through him in the hopes that i'll know him better when and if he ever comes home. i'd invite you to do the same. i would tell you that it's worth your time. he is, after all, one of us.

that hasn't always mattered, but maybe it should. and maybe that might help solve some of our problems going forward. how will you know if you don't give it a shot, right?

jacob has a long way to go, yet.

he and i, both.

care to follow?

if a preacher preaches on his first sunday at his new church and i am not there to hear it, does it really happen?


abso-freaking-lutely, it does!!!

to a (wo)man, every person that i had the chance to ask about today's service gave it a resounding thumb's up. i heard a few grumbles about some sound glitches, but vbs sunday can be a bear to technically prepare for. we'll just have to prepare better next year. whatareyougonnado now, right?

what made my sunday is that, in the past (especially if i was the one reviewing the goings-on), the sound problems would have been the story. what everyone remembered. what no one could get past. and what i would lose sleep over that night. to the worship leader's and congregation's credit, that doesn't seem to be the case this afternoon.

the story was vbs, and i didn't even have to be in the sanctuary to know it. more cars in the parking lot. non-member kids in their blue vbs t-shirts streaming into the church. the lack of significant attrition between the service attendance and the lunch attendance. the buzz was palpable, even through the torrential downpour. it was all about the kids. and the workers that made the kids happy this week. and the stories that the kids and the workers got to share through songs and slideshows and participation in "big church".

oh yeah...we welcomed a new pastor into the fold today too. i'll let the mere fact of that piece of news not being the lead item in this post speak for itself. from what i hear, he stayed humble and true to his role and made sure all the focus was directed toward the kids. {golf clap} good show, sir. well played.

the softball team and i will make hamburgers and hot dogs for you every sunday (on katie and amy's dime, of course) if we knew that's what it would take to turn this sunday into a microcosm of who we are (and can be) as a church.

there's that word again.

i really do hate that i wasn't inside today, watching hannah swallow some anxiety and making a personal leap, herself. i was where i was supposed to be, though. it feels like we all were. rain or shine.

for one day, i am happy.

so, i guess we've got a new pastor, huh?


it's really hard to believe that there's only one day left in vbs, 2009. the week has flown by, seemingly faster than ever before. is that really the case? no, of course not. it's the same length as it always is and has been. each day passes quickly. the storytelling room's schedule started us every morning with a weird hour long "break". so, when the groups have finally come, they've come back to back to back to back and then the day is over. maybe that, moreso than any other reason, is why the week has scurried by in such an awkward feeling way.

and so, this time tomorrow, all will be done (with my part, at least) until 2010, the first year hannah will be eligible to come to the elementary-age storytelling room. that will either be a treat or a nightmare. i guess we'll just have to wait and see how much the big girl matures during her first year at big school.

as i walked into the sanctuary this morning, i stumbled across our sprc chair and new pastor, brother harris hand. the meeting was refreshingly underwhelming, as it very well should have been. i have had mixed feelings about the departure of chris d. over the last month or so, thoughts that i've chosen to keep mostly to myself. if i didn't, someone might tell me to look in the mirror again, and, really, i can't stand my crooked teeth. "the church" was ready for a new pastor. i think chris d. needed a new start too. but i don't know if i'd truly characterize my feelings over the new start and the run-in this morning as something so cliche' as a "breath of fresh air" as much as i may say it felt "nice". yes. friendly and nice. not altogether different than the first time i met forest lake's new pastor.

we'll see where this new road takes us. we'll see if we can make good, on both sides, on our "first 90 days" promises. we'll see if we can be open and honest now rather than, again, once it's too late.

for now, though, i don't really care. for tonight, i am happy at having had such a wonderful week with the kids of huffman and the kids of humc. thanks to tanya and stephanie for having me back. thanks to everyone (joseph, joe c., christina, cookie, katie, amy) that's played such a huge role in the storytelling room. you all are incredible! and thanks, ms. myles, for the best compliment anyone has paid me in a long time.

i love vbs.

hannah and caroline and me
(part thirty-one)
((when unfair doesn't seem to cover it))


more than likely, you don't know marvin smith. shoot, i don't really know marvin smith. marvin was best friends with a young man on my staff.

after the 2008 softball season ended, we kicked off pick-up basketball just like we always do. i sent e-mails out. tried to get commitments from guys to play 6 out of the scheduled 8 games we always play in the birmingham baptist association's men - 19 and over basketball league. some guys waivered or said they would play and then e-mailed me or sent word with someone else that they were too busy to make the commitment. that's fair i guess. it's never not frustrating. i have a hard time reconciling why everyone in the world wouldn't want to play church league basketball and softball as badly as i do. but they don't. and i get burned by thinking they should at the beginning of every sports season we embark on. i'd like to think that it's unfair to me. there is a small and selfish part of me that thinks, "well, i've been rocking and rolling with these teams for close to ten years now. sometimes you show up. sometimes you don't. sometimes you pay. sometimes you don't. it's never really any skin off your back, right? the least you could do is make the team a priority or give me just a little notice that i need to look elsewhere to fill your spot." like i say, it's small and selfish, and i don't dwell on it any longer than i feel like we're short or short on money, but it bothers me anyway.

well, after enough commitments and decommits that would make even your most seasoned recruiter belabored with the process, i asked my employee, jacob, if he'd be interested in playing with us. he jumped at the chance. he had heard me talking about the team for a couple months and was dropping hints left and right that he could play and he could bring one of his buddies with him if we needed him to. finally, tired and ready to take the stance of "i'd rather have too many than too few like we had last year", i told jacob to come on out and bring his buddy with him.

that buddy ended up being marvin smith. the night i met marvin he was at the gym before anyone else. he was soft-spoken. slender. nice as he could be. we shot around and warmed up just like we always do. i jotted down a brief scouting report in my head concerning what i thought marvin could add to the team. "he's a slasher. jumps really high. can get his own shot. rebounds hard." he would fit right in. that first night, he and i went back and forth (along with a couple other guys) lighting the opposing team(s) up. marvin and i were on opposite sides most games and found ourselves guarding each other for a lot of the night. not knowing each other's tendencies, inevitably he gave me too many open looks from 18 feet that i nailed and i gave myself way too much defensive credit thinking that he couldn't take me off the dribble (he could...any time he wanted.) basketball-wise and personally, he had my respect immediately and i felt like i had his. late in what was probably our fourth game of the night, i drove to the basket. marvin was playing centerfield, middle of the lane. as i approached him, i leaped and threw up and over him the most perfect teardrop shot i've ever made. his hand was stretched well above the rim and from my vantage point, i had no idea how i got the ball past his fingers. the ball fell softly through the net. i smiled at him. he smiled at me and said, "you're a player".

i am not, but he was sweet to say it and i was lucky that i was having a good night. that night was the most fun i had all season. marvin and jacob, both, ended up playing in all eight games with us. for the most part, we were terrible. never had a consistent group show up. never developed any real chemistry. never really understood our roles. it was tough. we played good teams close in a few games, but we still lost. a lot. it was miserable. i had never been so happy to finish up a season. but as we put our sweats on and headed out after our last game in early february to head our separate ways, we were able to joke about how bad we were. i thanked marvin and jacob for filling out our roster and told marvin i'd be seeing him around (he still owed me money) or i'd come find him.

marvin died in a car accident early, this past saturday morning. i'll never see him again.

i didn't really know marvin, but when jacob told me about his accident, it struck me to my core. i was at the store saturday night and i had to walk in the office and close the door a couple of times to compose myself. "fuck me.", i thought. he was only twenty years old. just getting started. just finding his way. just working and trying to to pay a few bills and trying to act like a grown up.

and now he's gone.

i think of marvin all the time. just like i think of every guy over the last ten years that i've shared a green jersey with. since my initial small group experience with chris and andy, nothing has come close to recreating that most personal and honest experience that i shared with those guys for the short time that we did it. nothing except my humc sports. so many guys, so many stories. so little significance to be found in whether we won or lost. it's always...always been about the experience. and that experience, including every frustration that has come along with it, has made me ten times the man today than i was when we started it so long ago.

marvin smith was everything good about that experience. the guy was a perfect stranger to us in late november. a perfect stranger that could feel that first night, i hope, that the game wasn't as important as us being there, together. it was never articulated, but an atmosphere like that, that we've cultured for close to a decade doesn't have to be noticed aloud. you can just feel it. marvin, the good young man that he was, was a perfect complement to that atmosphere. he didn't have to tell me he was a good guy. there on the court that first night i met him, i could feel it.

marvin will be missed. by a lot of family and friends and others that knew him. i didn't really know marvin, but you can count me in that number.

twenty years old.

fuck me.

rest in peace, brother. rest in peace.

hannah and caroline and me

(part thirty)

this picture just as easily could have been taken at east lake park in 1984, as long as you'll let your imagination pay no attention the actual ages of the actors cast in the frame. sarah's dad is my grandfather. allison, my grandmother. hannah, playing the role of my little brother, brian.

caroline is me, feet crossed, nowhere near the water or the worms, looking across the way at the playground equipment thinking (in liz lemon voice), "i want to go there."

hannah and caroline and me

(part twenty-nine)

the visual evidence to back up sunday's post is absolutely terrifying!

i mean...christ!!! she's holding a worm in her hands that looks to be over twice as long as her fingers!

gross.

but cute.

hannah and caroline and me
(part twenty-eight)
((she did what?))


i told joseph as i was leaving lunch that part of my afternoon plans were to torture myself and watch the braves game. so far, not too much torture. they're up 4-0 and chipper's hit a home run.

what about schafer?

he still sucks. 0-2 with a(nother) strikeout so far. which means, even with a 4 run lead, i hate that i am watching this godforsaken game.

so, anyway, back to the blog.

this just in. hannah fishes.

she does what?

hannah fishes. and, if her story is correct, she is pretty good at it. last night as i was traveling back home from work, she debriefed me on her saturday in kentucky and she told me that she caught five "big" fish. i've yet to talk with mommy to confirm the story, but i can't think of a real good reason for her to have been lying. i could totally see her telling me that she had a good time even if she didn't. she's kind of wired now to answer every question we pose to her that starts with "how was your..." or "how did you like..." with "good." that being the case, i never really know if she actually had a good day at school or if she spent the entire day dreading telling mommy and daddy that she was sent to time out. she's manipulative that way. too bad for her that she also is branded with a seriously heavy and guilt-laden conscience. eventually, the truth will come out. it may be three days later in the middle of the night, but it will come out. and so, this time next week, she may tell me that she caught zero fish and hated every minute of it. i kind of doubt that, though.

the whole fishing thing is only further proof that hannah marie o'kelley is likely not my daughter. she dances. i make fun of people who dance (mostly because i can't dance). she tumbles. i can barely do a somersault without breaking something (even if i'm in the yard or a gym). she roared through her 4k graduation and ballet recital but couldn't handle even the first song during her church choir performance the same week (i was the king of the joyful noise children's choir for years. i did solos, baby!). she rubs the fact that she likes bratz dolls all up in my face (i am pretty sure those bratz characters represent every single thing that is wrong with this world). and now she fishes???

listen, i've made it clear that one of my most vivid and favorite memories as a kid was traipsing to east lake park with my granddad and brother. and most of those days, we fished. or they fished. i kind of sat on the side of the lake and threw rocks in, more than likely ruining any chance my granddad or brother had at luring a fish anywhere close to us. i am telling you, dude. fishing sucks. what is the point? you put a worm on a hook (gross). throw a line out in the water. feel better about yourself for tricking this fish that all he is is hungry into swallowing this worm that just so happens to be attached to this hook. the little bob thingy dips under the water, tipping you off to the action. you jerk as hard as you can, ripping that hook the fish just swallowed back up his food pipe and through one of his gills and then you drag the fish that just crapped his pants if he were wearing pants back towards you and away from wherever the hell this fish thinks he wants to go. you pull the fish out of the water. he begins to suffocate. and then the most generous of us toss the fish back in the water just before he can't breathe his last breath and start the routine over. i can't remember how young i was when the above scenario began to terrify me. i remember talking about it with my grandfather. usually over a catfish dinner.

what??? whatareyougonnado? catfish is awesome!

so, hannah's a fisherwoman now? add this to the list of things we don't have in common i guess.

thank goodness for caroline. she looks like me (i'm so sorry, caroline). she smiles like me. she loves to eat like me. and she's got a temper like me. she's like a baby, baby girl manifestation of every bit of angst that i hold inside of me. it is diabolical. and perfect.

thank goodness for the thought of her growing a little older and wanting to throw things and kick things or run or run over people. because, let's face it, i don't think my big girl has it in her.

so, where does this leave us, me and hannah?

well, in a comfortable place really. she's going to be that girl that does everything with or like her mom. she's going to shop. she's going to have a cell phone when she's six. she is going to chew bubblegum with her mouth open. and she is going to be smarter than everyone in the room. she's going to get along fine without me most of the time, and i can deal with that as long as i have one of the girls to do my bidding. when she's sick or when she needs to be carried or when she needs me to lift something, i'll be there for her. if she needs me to kick somebody's ass or threaten a boy, count me in. if she needs me to override mommy's first opinion that says she can't have dessert, check. i won't be living vicariously through her. i can just be her enforcer. her defender. her advisor. and her friend. for in spite of all of our differences, she will always have me around her finger. and she'll always be my baby girl.

she's just going to have find someone else to take her fishing.

update: braves are now up 9-0. medlen looks great. anderson finally hit a home run and i think i saw him smile. schafer's now 0-3, 2 k's. thus, i am not enjoying the game.

hannah and caroline and me
(part twenty-seven)
((the seven year which))


i had to the pleasure of watching most of the season 5 premiere of jon and kate plus eight last night. much to my surprise, it seems the turnaround from the actual filming of the massive family to airdate is pretty quick. and so, the viewer was given just enough shots of "ooh, look. they aren't talking to each other." and "oh, snap. she didn't even look in his direction." to satisfy the rubbernecking quotient for the night.

i had never watched the show in full before. i don't know all the kids' names. but, since the sextuplets are all just a little younger than hannah, it was easy enough to watch them enjoy their birthday party and i could judge them as being way less cool and way less smart than my big girl.

it wasn't until way late in the show, though, that jon dropped this knowledge on me that i have dwelled on for about twelve hours.

jon: "my mom always told me that life was about choices. and it is."

christ. he's right. life is about choices. and if i am reading all the edits and the soundbites from his show correctly, he is about to have to make a big one. whatever that is. i'll have to tune in next week to see if he makes it. a choice that is. i'll let you know what happens. (just to be sure, this will be the last time i ever mention this show again. unless a smoke monster shows up to judge kate's haircut.)

life is about choices. should i stay? should i go? should i return this e-mail in a timely fashion? or should i apologize for not doing so a few days later? paper/plastic? "good" dog food or "better" dog food? help or don't help? long, green socks or short, below the ankle? jeans or jeans? tuck the shirt in or leave it out or mullet-tuck or reverse mullet-tuck? weed-eat or put it off? take spud and "spud jr." to the vet or let nature run it's course? fold these clothes now or later? exercise now or later? eat lunch or try and get along without it? stay up late and watch lincecum beat the braves or go to bed and hope to see they beat him in the morning? walk to the altar to pray or keep working towards my life being an open prayer. keep tearing at the fabric that used to be my church or stay cool until the new guy comes and let the "first 90 days" thing play out? and so on.

in a couple weeks, hannah will be a big part of vacation bible school. i am going to take a couple days worth of vacation so i can be there most of the week. i have chosen "yes" to vbs because it's one of the few ways i get to show kids that god loves them. i choose "yes" to vbs because vbs 2009 should be every bit as good as vbs 1985 and, by participating, i can make sure that my part is. vbs isn't a mission opportunity. it's a lifestyle. it's a week-long prayer. it's a months-long prayer, if you count the thought and the energy and time it takes to get ready for the week. it's one of the more perfect metaphors that a congregation could and should look to as they prepare themselves for a journey that doesn't end on sunday, but begins there. because let's face it, if your journey is ending on sunday, you are bound to be disappointed.

i've got this picture of me somewhere participating in a humc vbs way back in the day. i am seriously tanned and seriously buck-toothed. you can see part of the costume that we wore that year. i was outside in the the courtyard area, where we had a market and traded stuff and searched for stuff and made stuff and i have this huge smile on my face. i think of that picture every time i start to wonder if vbs is worth my time. and then i think that i'll get to see between 50-75 kids, if not more, each day at vbs. and then i think, if even one kid gets a picture taken that week that he looks back on with as much favor as i do mine, then it was worth my time and my vacation days. if that kid looks back at that 25 year-old picture someday and includes it in his motivation to change his world for the better??? well, damn. i don't know if i'd ever need another compliment for the rest of my life.

life is about choices. today, i choose to encourage you to work vacation bible school. if only for a day. if only for an hour.

it's worth it.

the end of the world
(part five)
((this is your life))


"your not really mad at iran or afghanistan. you're mad at the fact that your wife can't stand you anymore."

"it only ends once. anything that happens before that is just progress." - jacob, lost

in my opinion, the above line of dialogue from the season finale of lost is the single, best line in the history of the show.

most "best"'s become such in our minds because they transcend whatever field, moment, genre, place or time they initially occur. michael jordan is the best basketball player ever only partly due to his history on the basketball court. michael jordan is the best because he transcends not only the sport he played, but sports, themself. to be the best at something, whether it's golf or engineering now might be called the "michael jordan" of this or that.

a simple, yet philosophical line from a tv show not everybody watches will never reach that kind of pop-culture status, but it could very well apply to every walk of life.

marriage. parenting. church. school. career. friendship. love. each idea a constant work in progress. each littered with failure every step of the way.

the temptation is to project. frustrated at home? kick the dog. angry at work? forward mean "your boss sucks" e-mails. hate that the braves suck? yell at your kid. underwhelmed in your worship team meeting? visit a new church.

you're not really mad at iran or afghanistan, are you? do you know anyone there? could you give me the context to the sociological factors that have led our countries to disagree with each other at fundamental levels? maybe you could. but wouldn't you rather focus on which of our homebound members desperately needs their lawn cut?

huffman may be evolving to her natural end, or she may be readying herself for the redemption story of a lifetime. we'll have to see.

what we are living through now is just progress.

progress. such a nice word. makes you feel like what we are experiencing is worth something in the end.

best. line. ever.

good song, too.

malignant apathy
(another case of unrealistic expecations)


"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me."

i've happened upon some unwanted alone time (thanks for nothing again, sewage problem at the softball fields that won't go away) this evening and the frustration will feel more fresh this evening than it will in the morning, so we'll go ahead and touch on yesterday's meeting and analyze, for the short term, what it all means according to me.

the "game-changer" (spoiler alert) was this. in any and all churches, special monies are given to the church in memory or honor of a person(s) all the time. those monies may be designated to a ministry or ministries in the church that was special to the person being honored or remembered or special to the one bestowing the gift. in addition to this, church members may also designate or earmark their tithes and/or special offerings to ministries or projects within the church that they believe in or feel passionately about rather than tithing directly to the church's general budget. a good example of this would be a church roofing project, such as the one humc undertook several years back. the church needed a new roof. it was asked of the church to offer monies for the project. those offerings were "designated" to a "raise the roof" line item in the budget. when bills came due for the roofing project, they were paid out of this line item. simple enough, right?

there are probably between 25-40 of these designated funds in our church budget. and the shocker yesterday was that if they were all "cashed in" at one time, the church does not currently have enough actual cash (as opposed to that on paper) at it's disposal to honor all of the requests. let that sink in for a second. people have donated funds to places like the children's place, projects like the new welcome center and ministries such as youth and children with the simple and honest trust that the church could use their donation, their money for that place, that project or those ministries when needed. the fact of the matter is that all of these funds will not be asked to be "cashed in" at one time. but the point is that if they were, we couldn't honor the simple and honest trust that people have placed in the church to responsibly handle the donations.

before i go any farther, let me be clear. there has been NO embezzlement or NO malicious mismanagement of these funds. as far as our finance committee can tell, the funds have been used to float the church and pay bills for who knows how long. looking at it from one perspective, one could certainly see and argue that the money was given to the church, so, in trying times such as where we find ourselves, the church should be able to use the money in ways not perfectly symmetrical to the donation's intent. and i get that. i do. there is a part of me that appreciates the wool having been pulled over my eyes. that someone, somewhere made me feel like everything was fine and ok when, really, it wasn't. there is a part of me that values the effort it has taken to make my house of faith not feel like a financial house of cards.

and then there's the part of me that cannot reconcile the feeling of it being wrong. it's the part of me that has been calling for openness and honesty in every small group and committee that i've been a part of since the turn of the new year. the part of me that wishes the church could've been made aware of the problem sooner so that instead of stop-gapping all the time, we could've dynamically changed our direction without feeling like we were giving up. but we weren't made aware sooner. not in the same way the twenty-some-odd people that felt like it was worth their time to come out to the most important meeting the church has had in years (because in a healthy church, the "most important meeting" is always the next one) were made aware yesterday afternoon. and therein lies the problem.

huffman united methodist's world changed yesterday, and nobody not enough were there to hear it. oh, they'll hear about it eventually. through misinformed channels from people with different agendas than the open and honest environment that was cultured in the meeting yesterday afternoon. they'll hear about it and they'll grumble and move to have their own parking lot meetings in their own private idahos.

where were you, anyway? were you busy? are you meeting-ed out? have you already left the church or joined another congregation because sticking around isn't nearly as much fun as stirring the pot was? tell me. tell us. tell someone.

wednesday night, i told one of our members that she needn't worry about having enough hands to help ferry yard sale items across the street. "don't stress out about it.", i told her. people won't just leave after dinner or the studies. we'll get it done together. no problem. i was wrong. a handful chose to stick around because i am sure those that didn't thought the same thing that i did. "they'll have plenty of help. lost is coming on. we need to get home anyway. scary people come out in huffman when it's dark." or something like that. they were wrong too. high-fives to the handful that did stick around. high-fives to the group that stuck around and watched the vast majority of the choir travel down the stairs, past the work left to be done and to their cars because they probably figured "they don't need our help. looks like they are almost done anyway. i need a cherry lime-ade." or something like that.

i am not sure what world we (humc) live in anymore, but i wish we would stop fooling ourselves. it only seems right that if we want to be a part of this church, we have to be aware that we aren't big enough anymore that we are going to accidentally stumble into enough volunteers to make every ministry move the way it's supposed to or used to.

WE CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN'S WORSHIP BECAUSE YOU WON'T VOLUNTEER!

CHILDREN'S PROGRAMS ARE BEING CUT OR CANCELED FOR THE SAME REASON!

this is not me yelling at you.

this is me begging you. if you are interested in us, we need you to be all in. prayers, presence, gifts, service, witness. we need all of it. again, we are not big enough anymore for some of us to do part of it and some of us to do the other. it's on US. the ball is in OUR court. those that are left. or left behind.

WAKE.

THE FREAK.

UP.

please.

you likely were not there sunday afternoon. so, you are going to have to hear through the grapevine. but make no mistake. the game changed sunday afternoon. doing something about it will be challenging. but it could also be very fun...if you let it.

will you?

this is going to hurt you more than it will me
(that's not altogether true)


any good serialized tv show (or blog) worth it's weight in your investment in it will, from time to time, present the viewer (or reader) game-changing events. and by game-changing, i mean they will present you with an image or idea that will turn your perception of the tv show you've been watching on it's proverbial head. if the game-changer is affecting enough, not only will it alter the way you view the show moving forward, but it will also transform the way you've processed your commitment moving backwards.

it's no secret that i am a massive fan of lost. one of the many reasons for this is that the producers constantly ask their audience to evolve with the show through game-changing events but haven't yet, once, compromised their vision or "jumped the shark" to do so. during the final moments of the season three finale, i cannot tell you how incredible it felt to scream to sarah and the screen "it's a future-back!". in non-retarded man language, what that meant was that a show that had built it's mythology and back-stories into character-defining flashbacks had just pulled a 180 and shown the audience a flashforward. it completely altered how one would watch season four and it still remains relevant to this point in the series. most, if not all, of you fans of the show know now that this past wednesday's game-changer just so happened to fall out of the "what lies in the shadow of the statue?" people's big box. as the camera panned onto a familiar character in a familiar (but not quite so) state, we viewers were offered a glimpse of something that could, in fact, take the next 7 months 'til lost returns to process it's ramifications.

life, of course, is no different. we are presented with victory and tragedy constantly, each huge event in our life asking us to evolve and approach our future and our past in different ways.

in my 32- plus years, i have found no more apt and accurate microcosm of life than my church community. but the shame of that experience is that we've had very few game-changers in the last few years. you could argue the reason for the lack of those (game-changers that is) and lack of investment (not coincidentally in my opinion) for days, but we won't start that debate here (today).

today, we will announce that in just a little over an hour, the disciples council at humc will be presented with it's first game-changer in a long time, and i cannot wait to observe and participate in the fallout (if there even is any.)

i'll be back tuesday to talk about the initial reaction and to see if this afternoon changed, at all, the way we'll view our future. at the very least, it will affect the way we see our past.

enjoy the show.

making gravy


making gravy

there are four characters: a director, a cook, a passerby, and a doctor.

the cook stirs an imaginary bowl of gravy.

the passerby walks up and says, "whatcha doin'?"

the cooks says, "making gravy." passerby: "can i try some?" "sure!" passerby sticks a finger in and tastes it.

passerby then begins to choke and stagger and eventually die. the cook runs and grabs a doctor. "doctor, doctor! she just ate some of my gravy and fell over! is she dead!?" the doctor, walks over checks her pulse. picks her arm up and lets it fall, then announces "yes, she is dead." the director yells "CUT!" and proceeds to tell them that the scene was too (blank) and needs to be more (blank). then you just do the whole thing over in different styles.

faster (do it in three seconds)

slower (in slow-motion)

kung-fu style,

cheerleader style... have fun with it!

anyone that can tell me at what event this skit debuted during the kevin o'kelley era at huffman with the original cast (ben, nate, phillip, cookie) wins huge points. i would pay millions of dollars (in installments, of course) to anyone that could produce video.

we talked today at lunch about defining moments during that era. things that i will always look back on as signs that we were moving opposite to the direction which the group was used to moving then forging a new path. the first of these moments was the evolution skit that got "edited". there were many more, but the gravy skit took us over for months on top of months. it was a beautiful thing. preceded by taylor as alex trebek. followed by dance-offs, skin-tights and ham, genies, breaking offertory plates. arise my love. things were fun back then. things were good. things were exactly what they should have been. and that's all we could have asked for, right?

i love laughing like i did at lunch today. good belly laughs. good times.

the day bobby cox broke jordan schafer


it was only four days removed from my own personal lobbying for him to be moved into the leadoff spot. not that it was some revolutionary idea, that being move your fastest, most talented position player into the one hole. the braves organization has been eyeing young jordan schafer as their centerfielder and leadoff hitter of the future for as long as he's been in their system. all of the tools he possessed would make him the most logical current candidate to hold down the job for years to come. consensus thinking was, though, that the first month of his rookie year was too soon to throw him into that type of pressure. and so, his splend-tastic opening night performance came hitting eighth, and he's been there ever since, seasoning himself into life as a major-league hitter. he wasn't driving in a lot of runs and he was striking out too much, but he was also walking a ton. and by a ton, i mean double more than any other guy on the team not named chipper. his on-base percentage was over .400, second on the team only to chipper. he was having the occasional off night, but, all in all, he was making a case to be cast in the role he's been destined for.

i didn't think it would happen so soon, but last saturday afternoon, it did.

what the crap? bobby cox made a lineup move that made sense?

and how did young jordan manage? 2-5, with three strikeouts. he was also tricked by a good pick-off moved and thrown out on the bases. not stellar, no. not at all. plenty of room for improvement. but let's look at the most important statistic in baseball, his on-base percentage. why is it the most important stat? because if you get on base, good things happen. the line-up turns over. runs inevitably must score. it's easy math. in baseball terms, .400 is a magical number. if you go 2-5 every night, you are ted williams, and no one is ted williams. but, for that one night (remember again, his first ever as a leadoff hitter), he was ted williams. a decent debut if you ask me. more than decent. solid.

it feels like there is a "but" coming.

but, it only lasted one day. hitting first that is. for reasons only known to bobby cox, jordan schafer was moved back down to eighth on sunday. batting .400 wasn't good enough for bobby cox. he, for that day, focused too much on the strikeouts and not enough on the positive. and before breaking out of it a little bit yesterday, jordan schafer repaid his manager's lack of confidence by going 0 (zero) for the next four games(!!!) and striking out 12 times in that span. wednesday, the braves won in spite of him striking out four (!!!) times. his confidence was so crushed that whispers of a "sore wrist" started to reemerge. every swing looked awkward and/or forced. he was lost. he was broken. all because bobby cox couldn't outweigh the negatives of the strikeouts in his mind with the hard and heavy fact that his leadoff man did exactly what is expected of every leadoff man. be on base 2 out of every 5 at-bats.

we all do it, focus too much on the negative. let the bad stuff drive our decisions more often than the good. let short term failings dictate our behavior over the promise and potential of long term investment.

i don't like the pastor or this person or that person, so i am going to leave.

and what does that say about how much or how little worth you put into every other person in the church that hasn't pissed you off yet? it says that you don't think the good can, ultimately, outweigh the bad. it's says that you think the grass is greener on the other side, so i am going to go eat over there until it turns brown and then i'll move to another green field. it means that we are terribly shortsighted.

"the farsighted see better things.", says five iron frenzy. indeed, they do.

the farsighted can see that one decision, one bad choice or one conflict does not a context make unless we so choose. the farsighted understand that the stronger testimony is one that has dealt with disharmony yet comes out the other end still singing. the farsighted will always be happier people because goals accomplished are not defined by "how was your day?". they are focused on "what is your legacy?". the greater good. the end result. the 162 game season. shouldn't we allow something to play out in full before we announce the time of death?

we should, but often we don't. and we are left with nothing more than regrets piled on top of regrets. it's a shame.

i bet somewhere around tuesday or wednesday of this week, it hit bobby cox that he made a poor choice when he opted against the positive reinforcement of rewarding a 2-5 day with a return engagement the next game, rather choosing to punish a baserunning gaffe and three strikeouts with more time served at the bottom of the order. i bet he realized his mistake, but he will never come out and say it. saying that you are wrong, that you were shortsighted takes guts. it would be the farsighted thing to do.

i won't hold my breath.