taking back tuesday
i've said many times that i don't feel like much of an american, much less a patriot. i doubt i would ever actively choose to fight for anything other than my family and my friends, and the thought of fighting for my country and with my fellow countryman against some nebulous and allegedly nefarious force of "evil" sounds like the most idiotic thing i've ever been allowed to think. i don't get all misty when the national anthem is played or sung. i only half-way pay attention to stories that include our country being in other countries executing anything other than humanitarian agendas.
these leanings, i have no doubt, impact things like "USA-USA" worship services and the way i loathe them. in those senses, i just don't get it, you know? even having a grandfather that shared many of his war stories with me didn't influence me in such a way that my patriot switch was ever flipped. he never really could explain to me why he felt justified in killing other human beings. i've never heard a good explanation from anyone else for that matter. so, what's the real point in celebrating it?
do i feel lucky i was born here? abso-freaking-lutely. the history that has played out behind me delivered me into a quality situation, one in which the way i choose to think and speak and cuss and blog and act is, in most instances, up to me. that being said, the common qualifier is that this country is what it is because of those that literally fought for our rights to party. people died and people killed so that i could and can be an asshole on the internet, and i can't argue with those points or that sentiment. people did die defending this country. people have killed and continue to kill for the same end. that doesn't mean it's not fucked up, though, right?
i don't know, man.
this whole thought line has refused to leave my system since our july 4th extravaganza and other conversations they spawned. see here and here for two of the more intelligent entries into our discourse.
the nationalism thing reared its head to me again while i observed the groundswell of support towards the usa women's world cup squad. facebook statuses and twitter updates, alike, told the story..."if you are an american, you should be watching this game." "hope solo makes me proud proud to be an american." "these girls make this old soldier proud." wait, what?
i don't know. maybe i just don't like women's soccer and my problem with looking through red, white and blue tinted glasses during massive world-wide sporting events ends there. it doesn't go both ways, gender-wise. i am huge follower of the u.s. men's national team. in related news, i'm also a hypocrite.
the japanese team followed the same script the americans did in their quarterfinal tilt with brazil. they were out-talented and out-played for much of the match but found opportunities given to them by the bumbling american defense for their first goal and found one shining moment of brilliance for their second. twice, they came back from certain defeat to even the game, twice they relentlessly charged ahead whilst american sportswriters were busy crafting poetry towards the three or four american women they would champion above the rest of the team all tournament. japan's never-say-die-ism, their "american" spirit, if you will, lead them to a title. the fact that they are good at soccer probably didn't mean much at all.
however...
even if the morning after talk shows gave minimal credit to the japanese style of play, they did, in turn, raise questions of choking aimed at the americans. an aside: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CHOKING. EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY ATHLETIC CONTEST COUNTS THE SAME. if the americans cash in even one of the 10-15 chances they had in the first 45, fifa considers stopping the game at halftime out of mercy. end tangent. the morning after columns spoke of how the japanese victory (in a japanese country where only a reported 20,000 females play the sport. i think there are more girls out at the trussville soccer club) might help their nation recover through the healing power of soccer. bullshit. does japan winning a soccer game reunite any of their loved ones with those lost in the tsunami? of course not, but the narrative quickly changed to paint the japanese as heroes and the americans as goats. you build 'em up in sports, so you can tear them down. welcome to the machine, ladies.
in america, we create winners and losers. it's what we do best. hell, it's what i love most about sports. there is no alabama without auburn. there is no braves without the phillies. there is no lebron without lebron. there is no republican without a democrat.
i don't deserve to live in america. i think that's part of my point. i don't love it like i should.
in a weird way, though, american jingoism makes more sense in sports. in sports, you play to win the game. that's the point.
in politics, in foreign policy, in church, we should probably drop the sports schtick and move towards peace and fairness in everything that we are doing.
otherwise, what's the point in trying?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
gulf shores plantation
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when is a trip to the beach not just a trip to the beach?
this time two years ago, my family and i took a vacation to gulf shores. where we were going to stay was never in question. it was always going to be gulf shores plantation. one of the many traditions we revived and continued while i was on staff at humc for over six years was the senior high/college-age beach trip that closed out our youth weeks. while the junior high group was shuttled off and away (with a beautiful and rotating crew of adult chaperones) to atlanta for a six flags/white water weekend, the elders of our group took to the beach. before we took to the beach, though, we took to gulf shores plantation.
as condos go, i don't guess that the plantation is the most expensive you can find in gulf shores, but far too many memories were made over the years that, if left up to me, we will never consider any other place. why would we when every single trip felt like such a success? the details of those memories, actually, sound like a fun, late summer series that would be worth my time here on HACATLKAM, so i'll leave them be for the time being. as they relate to today's post, all that matters is that the trips we took from 2000-2004 made our family destination decision easy as pie in the summer of 2009.
"the best laid plans"...
the unplanned part about our family vacation in the summer of 2009 is well-documented in these parts. three weeks before we were to leave, in the girls bathroom after a softball game, i peed blood. over the next couple of weeks, we found out that blood wasn't caused by a kidney stone or a urinary tract infection. the blood was being caused by a massive fucking tumor that had been growing inside my right kidney for god knows how long.
many of the pictures that will occasionally flash across our screen saver at home tell a very eery story of that family trip to the beach. i am pretty sure we had a good time. i can remember several things from the week, a couple names of the restaurants we visited, but most of the week is a blur. several pictures that sarah snapped show me looking off into the distance...somewhere, even if that distance was no farther than the wall behind the condo television. it wasn't that i didn't try to have a good time. quite the contrary, i tried really fucking hard, but i couldn't stop thinking about what the tumor meant. was i dying? or was my doctor right when he predicted that i was going to be okay?
it wasn't confirmed cancer until the day after my surgery, after they were able to pull the jacked up organ out of a hole just next to my belly button, slice the jacked up organ open and play around with the tumor. it was that same day and during the same trip to my room that my urologist told me to "celebrate". the cancer was completely contained within the jacked up organ. "you're gonna be really fucking sore for a while, bro, but you are going to be fine." or something like that. 18 long, hard months later, i finally owned that news.
last summer, sarah and i celebrated my cancer(free)-versary with a trip to gatlinburg that, while fun in moments and necessary for the emotional healing, was equal parts haunted. my mind had yet to catch up with my body in the recovery process.
just over a month ago, we went to "the happiest place on earth" only to realize it wasn't. what it was, though, was the first time in close to two years that our family felt whole again, the first time in two years that cancer didn't stain our recall, the first time in two years cancer didn't retard and forecast our future for us.
my mind had finally caught up.
flash back to the future and forward to this weekend.
we are lucky to have friends that care about us and our girls. we are lucky and we'll never be able to properly say "thank you" for their kindness. we are lucky in that they would never expect a "thank you" in the first place.
two of our closest friends have invited us to join them on their own trip down memory lane, to join them at the plantation this weekend. how could we say no?
we couldn't. and we didn't.
thursday evening, we'll head down to the beach for a long weekend that will be much more than just a trip to the beach.
it will be a reminder of the years that i found myself at huffman.
it will be a reminder of how much fun we used to have.
it will be a reminder of how unfortunately forgettable our trip in july of 2009 was.
it will be a reminder of the 18 months of tests and scans, paranoia and anxiety and helplessness that followed my surgery.
it will have been six months removed from the clean scan in january, six months away from the next.
it will be a reminder that life goes on. it just has to. or it will without you.
it will be our last trip with only two baby girls in tow.
it will be many things, in and of itself.
it will be memorable in newer, older, and wiser ways.
it will be...
we can't wait.
when is a trip to the beach not just a trip to the beach?
this time two years ago, my family and i took a vacation to gulf shores. where we were going to stay was never in question. it was always going to be gulf shores plantation. one of the many traditions we revived and continued while i was on staff at humc for over six years was the senior high/college-age beach trip that closed out our youth weeks. while the junior high group was shuttled off and away (with a beautiful and rotating crew of adult chaperones) to atlanta for a six flags/white water weekend, the elders of our group took to the beach. before we took to the beach, though, we took to gulf shores plantation.
as condos go, i don't guess that the plantation is the most expensive you can find in gulf shores, but far too many memories were made over the years that, if left up to me, we will never consider any other place. why would we when every single trip felt like such a success? the details of those memories, actually, sound like a fun, late summer series that would be worth my time here on HACATLKAM, so i'll leave them be for the time being. as they relate to today's post, all that matters is that the trips we took from 2000-2004 made our family destination decision easy as pie in the summer of 2009.
"the best laid plans"...
the unplanned part about our family vacation in the summer of 2009 is well-documented in these parts. three weeks before we were to leave, in the girls bathroom after a softball game, i peed blood. over the next couple of weeks, we found out that blood wasn't caused by a kidney stone or a urinary tract infection. the blood was being caused by a massive fucking tumor that had been growing inside my right kidney for god knows how long.
many of the pictures that will occasionally flash across our screen saver at home tell a very eery story of that family trip to the beach. i am pretty sure we had a good time. i can remember several things from the week, a couple names of the restaurants we visited, but most of the week is a blur. several pictures that sarah snapped show me looking off into the distance...somewhere, even if that distance was no farther than the wall behind the condo television. it wasn't that i didn't try to have a good time. quite the contrary, i tried really fucking hard, but i couldn't stop thinking about what the tumor meant. was i dying? or was my doctor right when he predicted that i was going to be okay?
it wasn't confirmed cancer until the day after my surgery, after they were able to pull the jacked up organ out of a hole just next to my belly button, slice the jacked up organ open and play around with the tumor. it was that same day and during the same trip to my room that my urologist told me to "celebrate". the cancer was completely contained within the jacked up organ. "you're gonna be really fucking sore for a while, bro, but you are going to be fine." or something like that. 18 long, hard months later, i finally owned that news.
last summer, sarah and i celebrated my cancer(free)-versary with a trip to gatlinburg that, while fun in moments and necessary for the emotional healing, was equal parts haunted. my mind had yet to catch up with my body in the recovery process.
just over a month ago, we went to "the happiest place on earth" only to realize it wasn't. what it was, though, was the first time in close to two years that our family felt whole again, the first time in two years that cancer didn't stain our recall, the first time in two years cancer didn't retard and forecast our future for us.
my mind had finally caught up.
flash back to the future and forward to this weekend.
we are lucky to have friends that care about us and our girls. we are lucky and we'll never be able to properly say "thank you" for their kindness. we are lucky in that they would never expect a "thank you" in the first place.
two of our closest friends have invited us to join them on their own trip down memory lane, to join them at the plantation this weekend. how could we say no?
we couldn't. and we didn't.
thursday evening, we'll head down to the beach for a long weekend that will be much more than just a trip to the beach.
it will be a reminder of the years that i found myself at huffman.
it will be a reminder of how much fun we used to have.
it will be a reminder of how unfortunately forgettable our trip in july of 2009 was.
it will be a reminder of the 18 months of tests and scans, paranoia and anxiety and helplessness that followed my surgery.
it will have been six months removed from the clean scan in january, six months away from the next.
it will be a reminder that life goes on. it just has to. or it will without you.
it will be our last trip with only two baby girls in tow.
it will be many things, in and of itself.
it will be memorable in newer, older, and wiser ways.
it will be...
we can't wait.
Monday, July 04, 2011
irreverent
i was watching last monday's espn baseball broadcast, killing some time before i headed out to play our first softball game in trussville. my main interest in watching was one of my fantasy pitchers (jeremy "hellboy" hellickson) was going for the rays (he lost, 5-0. dammit). the game, itself, didn't hold my interest very long after it was obvious hellboy was going to lose, but, after the second inning, there was an interesting taped interview aired that has stuck in my crawl for a week.
buster olney had talked to rays manager, joe maddon, before the game. it's been established by now that the rays fight an uphill battle every year when it comes to winning baseball games in their division. they have to compete with two of the highest salaried teams in baseball, the yankees and the red sox. in order to compete with the rich, the smaller market rays have to be more efficient and more creative than most other teams in the league. for the last few seasons, they've been able to optimize their roster and their resources in ways that make this braves fan very, very jealous. two out of the last three years the rays have made the postseason. in 2008, they lost to the phillies in the world series. so, buster olney asked joe maddon to name just one of the things he does that has led to his team's unexpected and consistent success. his response was honest and refreshing.
in so many words, he said, "every day when i come to the park, i write "irreverent" at the top of the line-up card. it reminds me that we have to do things differently around here. we have to find ways to stay ahead of the curve. it's a reminder that we aren't going to beat the big boys by mimicking what they do, by trying to beat them at their own game."
indeed.
irreverent. it's a great word that, in my opinion, carries with it a negative connotation that i don't know it deserves. in regard to the rays line-up card, for a couple of weeks, the rays batted their most talented hitter and best player, evan longoria, in the leadoff spot (he has since moved back down to his normal three-hole) to try and spark the rays struggling offense. it worked.
in your grandfather's baseball, you didn't and don't bat your best hitter first. you bat a guy with some speed at the top. a good contact guy that can move the speedy guy along the base paths second. then, the third guy in your line-up would, ideally, be your most efficient run-producer or rbi guy. look up and down every major league, minor league, high school, to little league line-up card. this is the norm. the accepted. the respected. if you fail using this system, a manager will not take serious heat, because it's what all his peers do as well.
the flaw comes when you understand that, statistically, batting third doesn't guarantee a hitter more available baserunners to knock in than any other spot in the order. it may feel like it if you only watch the first inning of a baseball game, lose interest, then turn the game off. chances are, though, evan longoria, chipper jones, albert pujols, joey votto, and every other three-hole guy will only bat third once more the entire game.
in maddon's mind (also backed up by many, many sabr-metric measures), it made more sense to bat his best hitter first. one thing about this tweak that is absolutely defense-proof is your leadoff man is guaranteed to have more potential at-bats than any other spot in the order. for example, if you are a braves fan, would you currently want jordan schafer or brian mccann to have more potential at-bats? easy answer, right? as much as i love schafer, i want my all-star to bat as many times as possible. maddon felt the same way about longoria, and the move paid off. the rays offense reignited. they are currently 10 games over .500 and in the thick of another playoff chase.
irreverent.
sitting in the sanctuary yesterday morning, cringing at the thought of standing up and singing "my country 'tis of thee" in worship, i couldn't shake the maddon interview from my thoughts, for i wished that our worship leaders, ...hell, every worship leader might take the same approach to constructing their services as maddon has and will his line-up.
yesterday morning, could people really blame our pastor or liturgist or choir if there wasn't the same tangible buzz in the room as was present during last week's vbs service? not really, because all yesterday's service was was what people have come to expect on the sunday that precedes america's birthday or memorial day or veteran's day. that's what our church does. that's what we expect. it's easy to accept and respect. to be honest, though, did it really say anything about god?
i don't know.
last sunday, there was no order of worship printed to follow. there were children in the front of the congregation leading worship. there were videos, photo-montages, and jesus-fied justin bieber songs. every single element may not have been perfect, but the package, on the whole, was refreshingly irreverent.
not in a bad way, mind you. it was irreverent in that it was completely un-expected. it was outside what our church (or any church) usually does on sunday mornings. it was thoughtful. it was obviously well-planned. it had a theme. everything the service did illustrated that theme. the end result was every bit "man, that felt good. new, even".
did the vacation bible school organizers reinvent the wheel last week? of course not. every single element of their worship had been there in some service or done that in another. worship doesn't need to worry about reinventing the wheel to be relevant.
worship only needs to be focused on god.
there are times and places to be focused on country. is church one of them? i don't really think so, even if that's what our congregation expects, accepts, or respects.
irreverent isn't a four-letter word. it's a state of mind. it's looking out across your church, your baseball team, your family or your free time and saying, "i've been driving down this road long enough. it's time to take a left."
what's the worst that can happen? i mean, really?
for joe maddon, he could've kept hitting his best hitter third in spite of hard and fast statistical data making a logically sound argument for them batting first, because every other team does the same thing. he chose an unconventional method. he chose to be irreverent, and it worked out better for his team.
for humc or any other community of faith that looks to connect with god, we can continue to copy every other worship service experience we've ever manufactured. there will be very little room for critique, because it's what every other established community of faith does.
or we could strive to be positively irreverent, trying to replicate the refreshing unpredictability of a vbs service or a tenabrae service and strive to make each week's service its own experience instead of a faded copy of the previous one.
whichever way we go is fine i guess.
doesn't irreverent sound like more fun, though?
i was watching last monday's espn baseball broadcast, killing some time before i headed out to play our first softball game in trussville. my main interest in watching was one of my fantasy pitchers (jeremy "hellboy" hellickson) was going for the rays (he lost, 5-0. dammit). the game, itself, didn't hold my interest very long after it was obvious hellboy was going to lose, but, after the second inning, there was an interesting taped interview aired that has stuck in my crawl for a week.
buster olney had talked to rays manager, joe maddon, before the game. it's been established by now that the rays fight an uphill battle every year when it comes to winning baseball games in their division. they have to compete with two of the highest salaried teams in baseball, the yankees and the red sox. in order to compete with the rich, the smaller market rays have to be more efficient and more creative than most other teams in the league. for the last few seasons, they've been able to optimize their roster and their resources in ways that make this braves fan very, very jealous. two out of the last three years the rays have made the postseason. in 2008, they lost to the phillies in the world series. so, buster olney asked joe maddon to name just one of the things he does that has led to his team's unexpected and consistent success. his response was honest and refreshing.
in so many words, he said, "every day when i come to the park, i write "irreverent" at the top of the line-up card. it reminds me that we have to do things differently around here. we have to find ways to stay ahead of the curve. it's a reminder that we aren't going to beat the big boys by mimicking what they do, by trying to beat them at their own game."
indeed.
irreverent. it's a great word that, in my opinion, carries with it a negative connotation that i don't know it deserves. in regard to the rays line-up card, for a couple of weeks, the rays batted their most talented hitter and best player, evan longoria, in the leadoff spot (he has since moved back down to his normal three-hole) to try and spark the rays struggling offense. it worked.
in your grandfather's baseball, you didn't and don't bat your best hitter first. you bat a guy with some speed at the top. a good contact guy that can move the speedy guy along the base paths second. then, the third guy in your line-up would, ideally, be your most efficient run-producer or rbi guy. look up and down every major league, minor league, high school, to little league line-up card. this is the norm. the accepted. the respected. if you fail using this system, a manager will not take serious heat, because it's what all his peers do as well.
the flaw comes when you understand that, statistically, batting third doesn't guarantee a hitter more available baserunners to knock in than any other spot in the order. it may feel like it if you only watch the first inning of a baseball game, lose interest, then turn the game off. chances are, though, evan longoria, chipper jones, albert pujols, joey votto, and every other three-hole guy will only bat third once more the entire game.
in maddon's mind (also backed up by many, many sabr-metric measures), it made more sense to bat his best hitter first. one thing about this tweak that is absolutely defense-proof is your leadoff man is guaranteed to have more potential at-bats than any other spot in the order. for example, if you are a braves fan, would you currently want jordan schafer or brian mccann to have more potential at-bats? easy answer, right? as much as i love schafer, i want my all-star to bat as many times as possible. maddon felt the same way about longoria, and the move paid off. the rays offense reignited. they are currently 10 games over .500 and in the thick of another playoff chase.
irreverent.
sitting in the sanctuary yesterday morning, cringing at the thought of standing up and singing "my country 'tis of thee" in worship, i couldn't shake the maddon interview from my thoughts, for i wished that our worship leaders, ...hell, every worship leader might take the same approach to constructing their services as maddon has and will his line-up.
yesterday morning, could people really blame our pastor or liturgist or choir if there wasn't the same tangible buzz in the room as was present during last week's vbs service? not really, because all yesterday's service was was what people have come to expect on the sunday that precedes america's birthday or memorial day or veteran's day. that's what our church does. that's what we expect. it's easy to accept and respect. to be honest, though, did it really say anything about god?
i don't know.
last sunday, there was no order of worship printed to follow. there were children in the front of the congregation leading worship. there were videos, photo-montages, and jesus-fied justin bieber songs. every single element may not have been perfect, but the package, on the whole, was refreshingly irreverent.
not in a bad way, mind you. it was irreverent in that it was completely un-expected. it was outside what our church (or any church) usually does on sunday mornings. it was thoughtful. it was obviously well-planned. it had a theme. everything the service did illustrated that theme. the end result was every bit "man, that felt good. new, even".
did the vacation bible school organizers reinvent the wheel last week? of course not. every single element of their worship had been there in some service or done that in another. worship doesn't need to worry about reinventing the wheel to be relevant.
worship only needs to be focused on god.
there are times and places to be focused on country. is church one of them? i don't really think so, even if that's what our congregation expects, accepts, or respects.
irreverent isn't a four-letter word. it's a state of mind. it's looking out across your church, your baseball team, your family or your free time and saying, "i've been driving down this road long enough. it's time to take a left."
what's the worst that can happen? i mean, really?
for joe maddon, he could've kept hitting his best hitter third in spite of hard and fast statistical data making a logically sound argument for them batting first, because every other team does the same thing. he chose an unconventional method. he chose to be irreverent, and it worked out better for his team.
for humc or any other community of faith that looks to connect with god, we can continue to copy every other worship service experience we've ever manufactured. there will be very little room for critique, because it's what every other established community of faith does.
or we could strive to be positively irreverent, trying to replicate the refreshing unpredictability of a vbs service or a tenabrae service and strive to make each week's service its own experience instead of a faded copy of the previous one.
whichever way we go is fine i guess.
doesn't irreverent sound like more fun, though?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
so long, and thanks for all the bad hops
listen, there's no way we would have or could have ever predicted we would be playing this long. in the beginning, we weren't doing it to establish any sort of legacy or foundation for a recreation ministry. it just sort of worked out that both very naturally happened.
eleven years ago, chris perry and i were shooting the breeze as was custom for us during the early years of my ministry experience. i leaned on his time served as a sounding board in a lot of ways, throwing ideas off and around him to see if they made sense outside of my head. most of the time they didn't, but he was gentle with his guidance and direction, and he was invaluable as an asset and a resource and an encourager when it came to pointing me in a direction and saying, "just go for it", "what's the worst that can happen?", or "there's a really good chance the youth are going to like you even if the idea is stupid". and so it went. day after day. week after week. we'd spend a ton of time together during our respective weeks. i'd spend a little less time (but no less important) with john rutland and we planned for the future of huffman united methodist church.
but softball didn't have much to do with any of that. softball, as an idea, was really nothing more than an excuse to hang out with each other and some of our friends. i don't know that we really thought we'd be any good, but we knew for certain that we were going to have a good time. the year before, we had started playing pick-up basketball and had developed enough relationships through that group and men/youth already in and around the church that we could field a team.
the founding fathers of humc softball were:
kevin o'kelley
chris perry
chris hicks ("chicks", "salty", the giver of most of our nicknames)
brian kiker ("kiker", "kike")
mike gibbs ("gibby")
nate beverly
brad henson ("chipper", "chip", "sock arm")
michael putman ("put")
mark mccollister ("marky", "marcus",)
doug foote ("big doug", "belch")
paul sutton ("paulie", "geez")
over the years, i've instituted an unspoken "founding fathers" policy for the team. if one of the above had to/chooses to leave for a time and want to come back, we make a spot. when mike gibbs went away to become a superhero (then to go work in tampa for a bit), he had a spot waiting for him upon his return back to earth. when mike putman and mark had to left to pursue a higher education, they were welcomed back with open arms after the humc softball sirens sang them back to us. if kiker ever leaves to go coach some other kid's little league baseball team, he doesn't have to fret about his rightful seat being taken out from under him. the founding fathers policy prevents that from happening. it's a somewhat selfish and self-serving policy. i will own that. whatareyougonnado? eleven years later, five of those eleven men still remain active on the team. how ya like them apples??? i can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that no team that existed at new covenant in our first year can make that claim. not that i am proud of it or anything.
so, the founding fathers played softball together eleven years ago. we practiced at huffman ballpark on sunday afternoons, chris hicks and i singing the theme song to "the greatest american hero" to each other in the outfield, brad henson being renamed "chipper" then "chip", doug foote and paul sutton sharing time both at pitcher and first base, gibbs owning shortstop and nate beverly constantly wowing the rest of us with his natural athletic ability, rocket arm and perfect swing, doing it all with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. we practiced because that's what we thought we were supposed to do, that and we didn't want to make assholes of ourselves when we made our unprofessional debut as a team. and, what do you know? we didn't. we didn't win the league that first season, but we were okay from what i remember. a .500 team with enough good moments and good times to know we'd play again in the fall. we got a little better in the fall, so we'd play again the next spring. and so it went for several years. as guys burned out or guys went off to school or pastors got moved to other cities, our cast changed. the more it changed, the more it seemed to stay the same. the proverbial names on the back of the jerseys (t-shirt in the early days) were different, but the feeling always familial and familiar. softball became a once (or twice) a week excuse to feel like kids again, to forget what shitty shit was going on at work or at church or in life in general, to escape back to that feeling when your neighbors would knock on your door when we were ten so we could go out and play. we went out and played alright. we played softball at new covenant fellowship church in pinson. and we've been playing ever since.
i've been thinking for a week now about all the guys that have worn some version of "the green" over the last eleven years. not counting guys that we had to pick up at the field, here are the names i can come up with:
adam mcclendon
jason lynn
jason white ("rookie", "rook")
clint argo ("big nasty", "nasty")
kevin williams
taylor preston ("the wall")
tim bowman
cody berguson
heath argo
donald richards
melvin eatmon
robert williams
philip gibson
ken sransky
kevin allard
bo martin
mike's brother in law, brett
bryan pool
ken tittle
caleb martin
keith carpenter
aaron clark
mark usry
reagan denson
jason mccleney
mike williams
mark alfano
(sarah o'kelley and melanie (sransky) williams also deserve shout-outs for being our unofficial team moms)
38 guys! there's no way i haven't forgotten somebody. and i am going to feel really bad when i remember or am reminded of those names. 38 guys in 11 years. thinking about that number over what has now been 21 completed seasons, it feels like a lot of moving parts. i guess it was. i guess it is. obviously, not every one of those guys played full seasons (only three of the 38 have been ever-present souls, participants in each of the 21 seasons...me, kike, and paul) with the team. maybe circumstances prevented it from happening. maybe we only needed a fill-in for a few weeks. whatever the case was or has been, though, i have fond memories of my experiences with every single one.
i've been tripping down memory lane for a week for one specific reason. last monday night, june 20th, humc men played their last game at new covenant fellowship church. the park and the fields were never the best in birmingham, but they are both now shells of their former selves. i won't trash either too hard in this post. that's not what this is for.
this post is for revisiting some history. this post is for revisioning some of the same. it's for the good times that we had. it's for all the games we won. it's for the two titles that we claimed. it's for every frustrating monday, tuesday or thursday when the line-up cards were harder than usual to fill out. it's for the bad times when we weren't nearly as good as we thought we should be and it's for the worse times when we were just plain bad.
this post is for all the loved ones that came out to see us play. it's for all the weddings that have brought us together in better clothes. it's for all the babies that have been born into our unofficial family. it's for divorce. it's for busted down trucks. it's for cancer. it's for lost friends and found friends. it's for the years before the concession stand and the years after.
we moved to a new address last night. i won't bet on another post like this in ten years. given what's now in our rear-view mirror, i won't bet against it.
i've been alive working on 35 years. 11 of them...ELEVEN (really how many things in your life have you done for 11 years that don't include your job? i don't have another example)...have been framed by one team and one place, one place with three fields and 37 guys i didn't know at the time that i couldn't live without.
softball, as an idea, was really nothing more than an excuse to hang out with our friends.
to that end, it's the best idea i've ever had.
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to be continued...
listen, there's no way we would have or could have ever predicted we would be playing this long. in the beginning, we weren't doing it to establish any sort of legacy or foundation for a recreation ministry. it just sort of worked out that both very naturally happened.
eleven years ago, chris perry and i were shooting the breeze as was custom for us during the early years of my ministry experience. i leaned on his time served as a sounding board in a lot of ways, throwing ideas off and around him to see if they made sense outside of my head. most of the time they didn't, but he was gentle with his guidance and direction, and he was invaluable as an asset and a resource and an encourager when it came to pointing me in a direction and saying, "just go for it", "what's the worst that can happen?", or "there's a really good chance the youth are going to like you even if the idea is stupid". and so it went. day after day. week after week. we'd spend a ton of time together during our respective weeks. i'd spend a little less time (but no less important) with john rutland and we planned for the future of huffman united methodist church.
but softball didn't have much to do with any of that. softball, as an idea, was really nothing more than an excuse to hang out with each other and some of our friends. i don't know that we really thought we'd be any good, but we knew for certain that we were going to have a good time. the year before, we had started playing pick-up basketball and had developed enough relationships through that group and men/youth already in and around the church that we could field a team.
the founding fathers of humc softball were:
kevin o'kelley
chris perry
chris hicks ("chicks", "salty", the giver of most of our nicknames)
brian kiker ("kiker", "kike")
mike gibbs ("gibby")
nate beverly
brad henson ("chipper", "chip", "sock arm")
michael putman ("put")
mark mccollister ("marky", "marcus",)
doug foote ("big doug", "belch")
paul sutton ("paulie", "geez")
over the years, i've instituted an unspoken "founding fathers" policy for the team. if one of the above had to/chooses to leave for a time and want to come back, we make a spot. when mike gibbs went away to become a superhero (then to go work in tampa for a bit), he had a spot waiting for him upon his return back to earth. when mike putman and mark had to left to pursue a higher education, they were welcomed back with open arms after the humc softball sirens sang them back to us. if kiker ever leaves to go coach some other kid's little league baseball team, he doesn't have to fret about his rightful seat being taken out from under him. the founding fathers policy prevents that from happening. it's a somewhat selfish and self-serving policy. i will own that. whatareyougonnado? eleven years later, five of those eleven men still remain active on the team. how ya like them apples??? i can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that no team that existed at new covenant in our first year can make that claim. not that i am proud of it or anything.
so, the founding fathers played softball together eleven years ago. we practiced at huffman ballpark on sunday afternoons, chris hicks and i singing the theme song to "the greatest american hero" to each other in the outfield, brad henson being renamed "chipper" then "chip", doug foote and paul sutton sharing time both at pitcher and first base, gibbs owning shortstop and nate beverly constantly wowing the rest of us with his natural athletic ability, rocket arm and perfect swing, doing it all with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. we practiced because that's what we thought we were supposed to do, that and we didn't want to make assholes of ourselves when we made our unprofessional debut as a team. and, what do you know? we didn't. we didn't win the league that first season, but we were okay from what i remember. a .500 team with enough good moments and good times to know we'd play again in the fall. we got a little better in the fall, so we'd play again the next spring. and so it went for several years. as guys burned out or guys went off to school or pastors got moved to other cities, our cast changed. the more it changed, the more it seemed to stay the same. the proverbial names on the back of the jerseys (t-shirt in the early days) were different, but the feeling always familial and familiar. softball became a once (or twice) a week excuse to feel like kids again, to forget what shitty shit was going on at work or at church or in life in general, to escape back to that feeling when your neighbors would knock on your door when we were ten so we could go out and play. we went out and played alright. we played softball at new covenant fellowship church in pinson. and we've been playing ever since.
i've been thinking for a week now about all the guys that have worn some version of "the green" over the last eleven years. not counting guys that we had to pick up at the field, here are the names i can come up with:
adam mcclendon
jason lynn
jason white ("rookie", "rook")
clint argo ("big nasty", "nasty")
kevin williams
taylor preston ("the wall")
tim bowman
cody berguson
heath argo
donald richards
melvin eatmon
robert williams
philip gibson
ken sransky
kevin allard
bo martin
mike's brother in law, brett
bryan pool
ken tittle
caleb martin
keith carpenter
aaron clark
mark usry
reagan denson
jason mccleney
mike williams
mark alfano
(sarah o'kelley and melanie (sransky) williams also deserve shout-outs for being our unofficial team moms)
38 guys! there's no way i haven't forgotten somebody. and i am going to feel really bad when i remember or am reminded of those names. 38 guys in 11 years. thinking about that number over what has now been 21 completed seasons, it feels like a lot of moving parts. i guess it was. i guess it is. obviously, not every one of those guys played full seasons (only three of the 38 have been ever-present souls, participants in each of the 21 seasons...me, kike, and paul) with the team. maybe circumstances prevented it from happening. maybe we only needed a fill-in for a few weeks. whatever the case was or has been, though, i have fond memories of my experiences with every single one.
i've been tripping down memory lane for a week for one specific reason. last monday night, june 20th, humc men played their last game at new covenant fellowship church. the park and the fields were never the best in birmingham, but they are both now shells of their former selves. i won't trash either too hard in this post. that's not what this is for.
this post is for revisiting some history. this post is for revisioning some of the same. it's for the good times that we had. it's for all the games we won. it's for the two titles that we claimed. it's for every frustrating monday, tuesday or thursday when the line-up cards were harder than usual to fill out. it's for the bad times when we weren't nearly as good as we thought we should be and it's for the worse times when we were just plain bad.
this post is for all the loved ones that came out to see us play. it's for all the weddings that have brought us together in better clothes. it's for all the babies that have been born into our unofficial family. it's for divorce. it's for busted down trucks. it's for cancer. it's for lost friends and found friends. it's for the years before the concession stand and the years after.
we moved to a new address last night. i won't bet on another post like this in ten years. given what's now in our rear-view mirror, i won't bet against it.
i've been alive working on 35 years. 11 of them...ELEVEN (really how many things in your life have you done for 11 years that don't include your job? i don't have another example)...have been framed by one team and one place, one place with three fields and 37 guys i didn't know at the time that i couldn't live without.
softball, as an idea, was really nothing more than an excuse to hang out with our friends.
to that end, it's the best idea i've ever had.
to be continued...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
hannah and caroline and the little kumquat and me
(part five)
((the one where we found out the kumquat was a girl))
i meant it.
every time i said it.
every word.
of this post. every word.
every time someone made the comment "this one's going to be a boy.", "i know you are hoping for a boy.", "girls are terrible. you need a boy." or anything along those lines, it struck me as asinine in the same way i struck myself as asinine when i was emotionally and visibly shaken after caroline showed herself female.
why would it matter? why should it matter?
i have two living, breathing, beautiful examples of the blessings that are girls, that are daughters in my and sarah's life. in some ways, it would make more sense if i was not only not actively rooting for a boy, but i was, in fact, intensely rooting for a girl. after hannah and caroline, we know (as well as you can know anything i guess) how to "do" girls. we know how girls roll. we know how girls cry. we know how girls react to having their feelings hurt. we know how to hold them, how to scold them, and when to physically fold them in half after they've broken something else in the kitchen. as we age, in general, we all get better at any lot in life after we've known it, practiced it, grown comfortable with it, then mastered it. we aren't masters at having daughters, that's for sure, but we sure as hell are seven and a half years closer to it than we are at doing so with a son.
intellectually, it makes sense what i've been telling myself and other people. rooting for one sex over the other is ridiculous, foolish even. root for health. root for a gentle personality. root for them sleeping through the night the day you come home from the hospital. root for gender? absurd.
ultrasound tech: do y'all want to know the sex?
sarah said, "yes, we do." in that voice of hers that means, "uh, duh. of course we do". so the ultrasound tech started looking around. in that moment, my heart began to flutter. i held sarah's hand. and in spite of everything i said in the first few paragraphs of this post, i wanted "it's a boy." to be the announcement. badly.
i don't know why the want came out from wherever it was hiding. it was obviously always there. somewhere. i just didn't want to talk to it. to acknowledge it was there. because i had been told and told myself it was stupid.
then again, i am stupid (we all know this), so, you know, whatareyougonnado?
the story goes as the story went. we announced last week that we are having a girl. as we left the hospital, sarah could tell that i was all shook up, just like i was with caroline. i couldn't hide it. part of me didn't want to. part of me wanted to vomit it all out so i could get my disappointment out of my system, but a bigger part of me wanted to create as little deja vu to "the caroline incident" for sarah as i could. i did well in the hospital, less well in the elevator, worse still in the parking lot and i was outright rude on the phone from the car.
i am nothing if not predictable in times like those.
this time was different, because it felt like the last time. for something. for what?
for me to have a boy?
for us to have a son?
for our family to expand?
to anticipate that day like last thursday when we find out what "it" is?
i don't know. all of those. some of them.
it's painfully obvious that, over the course of my development and maturation, something was wired deep into my soul that made me think i really wanted a son. and dammit, come cancer or high water, that wasn't going to change.
does this personality flaw make my current daughters any less beautiful, engaging, or joyful? of course not. does this mean that i will be disappointed when the kumquat makes her appearance into this world sometime in october? not a chance.
in the end, i think it means or meant that i thought i would have a lot to offer a son on what it was like to be a boy. i thought i would have really felt proud and honored to give my son my brother's middle name. i thought that it would have been rather slick to call my boy by the same name as george clooney's character in from dusk 'til dawn. and you know what? that's pretty much the list. observing men in and around my life living vicariously through their children kind of makes me sick. what makes me more sick is how i know i would've been just like them.
with my girls, i want what's best for them and i'll always want them to reach their potential, but i have no ridiculous delusions of grandeur to apply to their futures because i haven't walked ahead of them along a path that i wish for them to emulate. that's a good thing for them.
my feelings last thursday in that dark, ultrasound room will never diminish the way i feel for them and care for them or will ever defend my daughters. in fact, the same animal, instinctual, reflexive emotions that i always wondered if i would attach to a son probably goes double for my girls. they won't need me forever, but they'll sure as hell have me.
i hope that's good enough.
while sarah and i were marveling at the surreal images of our growing baby, baby, baby girl moving inside of her belly, my emotions got the best of me...again. just another example of how, oftentimes, i am quite poor at managing my own expectations.
several days removed, though, my perspective has long since changed and the only frustration concerning the kumquat is her call sign or lack thereof. we'll figure that one out, too, soon enough. then, of course, we'll have another girl in our home in october.
and our lives will be better for it.
(part five)
((the one where we found out the kumquat was a girl))
i meant it.
every time i said it.
every word.
of this post. every word.
every time someone made the comment "this one's going to be a boy.", "i know you are hoping for a boy.", "girls are terrible. you need a boy." or anything along those lines, it struck me as asinine in the same way i struck myself as asinine when i was emotionally and visibly shaken after caroline showed herself female.
why would it matter? why should it matter?
i have two living, breathing, beautiful examples of the blessings that are girls, that are daughters in my and sarah's life. in some ways, it would make more sense if i was not only not actively rooting for a boy, but i was, in fact, intensely rooting for a girl. after hannah and caroline, we know (as well as you can know anything i guess) how to "do" girls. we know how girls roll. we know how girls cry. we know how girls react to having their feelings hurt. we know how to hold them, how to scold them, and when to physically fold them in half after they've broken something else in the kitchen. as we age, in general, we all get better at any lot in life after we've known it, practiced it, grown comfortable with it, then mastered it. we aren't masters at having daughters, that's for sure, but we sure as hell are seven and a half years closer to it than we are at doing so with a son.
intellectually, it makes sense what i've been telling myself and other people. rooting for one sex over the other is ridiculous, foolish even. root for health. root for a gentle personality. root for them sleeping through the night the day you come home from the hospital. root for gender? absurd.
ultrasound tech: do y'all want to know the sex?
sarah said, "yes, we do." in that voice of hers that means, "uh, duh. of course we do". so the ultrasound tech started looking around. in that moment, my heart began to flutter. i held sarah's hand. and in spite of everything i said in the first few paragraphs of this post, i wanted "it's a boy." to be the announcement. badly.
i don't know why the want came out from wherever it was hiding. it was obviously always there. somewhere. i just didn't want to talk to it. to acknowledge it was there. because i had been told and told myself it was stupid.
then again, i am stupid (we all know this), so, you know, whatareyougonnado?
the story goes as the story went. we announced last week that we are having a girl. as we left the hospital, sarah could tell that i was all shook up, just like i was with caroline. i couldn't hide it. part of me didn't want to. part of me wanted to vomit it all out so i could get my disappointment out of my system, but a bigger part of me wanted to create as little deja vu to "the caroline incident" for sarah as i could. i did well in the hospital, less well in the elevator, worse still in the parking lot and i was outright rude on the phone from the car.
i am nothing if not predictable in times like those.
this time was different, because it felt like the last time. for something. for what?
for me to have a boy?
for us to have a son?
for our family to expand?
to anticipate that day like last thursday when we find out what "it" is?
i don't know. all of those. some of them.
it's painfully obvious that, over the course of my development and maturation, something was wired deep into my soul that made me think i really wanted a son. and dammit, come cancer or high water, that wasn't going to change.
does this personality flaw make my current daughters any less beautiful, engaging, or joyful? of course not. does this mean that i will be disappointed when the kumquat makes her appearance into this world sometime in october? not a chance.
in the end, i think it means or meant that i thought i would have a lot to offer a son on what it was like to be a boy. i thought i would have really felt proud and honored to give my son my brother's middle name. i thought that it would have been rather slick to call my boy by the same name as george clooney's character in from dusk 'til dawn. and you know what? that's pretty much the list. observing men in and around my life living vicariously through their children kind of makes me sick. what makes me more sick is how i know i would've been just like them.
with my girls, i want what's best for them and i'll always want them to reach their potential, but i have no ridiculous delusions of grandeur to apply to their futures because i haven't walked ahead of them along a path that i wish for them to emulate. that's a good thing for them.
my feelings last thursday in that dark, ultrasound room will never diminish the way i feel for them and care for them or will ever defend my daughters. in fact, the same animal, instinctual, reflexive emotions that i always wondered if i would attach to a son probably goes double for my girls. they won't need me forever, but they'll sure as hell have me.
i hope that's good enough.
while sarah and i were marveling at the surreal images of our growing baby, baby, baby girl moving inside of her belly, my emotions got the best of me...again. just another example of how, oftentimes, i am quite poor at managing my own expectations.
several days removed, though, my perspective has long since changed and the only frustration concerning the kumquat is her call sign or lack thereof. we'll figure that one out, too, soon enough. then, of course, we'll have another girl in our home in october.
and our lives will be better for it.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
disney
(a post-mortem)
((hannah and caroline and the little kumquat and me))
(((part four)))
let's get this out of the way first.
in my opinion, walt disney world is NOT "the happiest place on earth".
there, i said it.
how could it be, really? due to the reasons i listed in last week's post, as an adult, #wdw could never even aspire to be my happiest place on earth. too many variables, all of them spelled k-i-d-s.
now, don't get me wrong. as i mentioned several times in either updates or picture captions live and in the moment(s) on facebook, i loved my family being at disney world. the rumors of the #wdw machine being well-oiled were fair and accurate. i give mad props to sarah for doing all of our pre-planning, and, because of it, we rarely, if ever, had need for a car, cash, or worries where our next meal was coming from. it was all laid out in front of us. each night, we had a table service meal planned which would frame our day (admittedly, we changed plans on the fly tuesday). each morning, day, and night, we had buses that ran, at the very least, every twenty minutes from right outside our hotel door to whatever destination we were pursuing (only one exception to this rule. wednesday, there was a hiccup on the pick-up to epcot, which put us to the park shortly after it opened. i was furious for an hour, got over it, and it totally did not ruin the day). those included any of the parks and downtown disney. we chose to drive both times we went downtown, but we didn't have to. inside the parks, the presentation, style, and service were out of control awesome. it is a known fact that each employee of #wdw is hired to play a "role". if the employee can not embrace "the role" and the vision that every experience should be and will be disney-rific, then that employee will not be long for disney. we did not get bad service in line or in restaurants even once. we hardly saw a frown. we even were subjected to conversations that we weren't looking to have with disney staff that were just looking to shoot the breeze. well-oiled, to be honest, is an understatement. i wouldn't call it magical, per se, because magical implies that the experience just happens, and sarah and i were well aware of the amount of effort that must be placed on the presentation, style, and service. we didn't take it for granted, not for a second. we constantly were marveling at all the moving parts. no, the experience wasn't magical. it was efficient, devastatingly so, in the best way possible.
i think my conclusion and opinion of the parks, though, when commenting on it not being "the happiest place on earth" boiled down to this. it was almost too intense. too busy. too "we've got to move to the next ride, the next show, the next sit down and eat, the next nap, the next park, the next parade, the next fireworks fantastical, the next ..., the next ..., the next ...." for four. straight. days. we were constantly in motion. we constantly felt late. we constantly felt like we were missing something. we must have been. because, of course, we were. we didn't make the circle of countries in epcot. we just didn't have the energy, so some things got cut. they had to. if we didn't make cuts, the experience would have felt cumbersome, and the last thing a vacation should ever feel like is a burden.
so cuts were made, and we were happy to make them. we loaded up friday and drove home completely exhausted. worn out from the work that #wdw had required of us all. it wasn't work without fulfillment, but it was work, make no mistake.
now, work doesn't mean unhappy, but work means tired means lack of relaxation means lack of reflection until all is said and done. i am incredibly happy with the status of my store and our performance in the whole of 2011, but i am rarely "happy" in the moment, because i am working. working towards a goal that will only be reached and seen in hindsight and very rarely in that or those moments of actual work.
such was disney world. it is work to make your children feel like they've died and gone to heaven even while they are throwing tantrums, calling you stupid, sitting on your shoulders, covering your eyes, and hitting you on the head. it is work to endure the same shortcomings in other people's children without kicking them in the face and then picking a fight with their super-hairy dad just because your mood is so fucking raw and vulnerable in that moment in time. it is work to take six days, six nights, 20 hours in the car, get home and feel like you barely spoke to your wife the whole trip. why? because her ass was working just as hard, if not more so, as i was.
that's not the happiest place on earth. that's ... something else.
could it have been that we were merely #wdw rookies, not seasoned enough to make the most of our time? maybe. but i don't believe that's the most of it. i believe that anytime your children are involved, it's going to be hard to see the forest for the trees, nor do i believe you should have to visit the garden of eden five times to understand its beauty.
we had a magnificent time on our vacation. we have the pictures and the stories and the memories to prove it. we want to go back. we'd do it again right now. we will do it again in a few years when the little kumquat is ready to ride daddy's shoulders around for four days.
all of this recounting does beg the question. what would be my happiest place on earth? it's a good question, one that i don't know if i have an immediate answer for. a braves or bama game would be a good place to start, but, unless someone could promise me the outcome would favor my braves or my bama or my julio, the result might leave me altogether unhappy.
i suppose i'll keep searching, keep forging ahead on my quest for my holy grail, my happiest place on earth.
i am satisfied that i can scratch disney off my list. i've been there and done that now. and i am pleased that we enjoyed it so much that we would repeat last week as soon as possible.
what's next?
(a post-mortem)
((hannah and caroline and the little kumquat and me))
(((part four)))
let's get this out of the way first.
in my opinion, walt disney world is NOT "the happiest place on earth".
there, i said it.
how could it be, really? due to the reasons i listed in last week's post, as an adult, #wdw could never even aspire to be my happiest place on earth. too many variables, all of them spelled k-i-d-s.
now, don't get me wrong. as i mentioned several times in either updates or picture captions live and in the moment(s) on facebook, i loved my family being at disney world. the rumors of the #wdw machine being well-oiled were fair and accurate. i give mad props to sarah for doing all of our pre-planning, and, because of it, we rarely, if ever, had need for a car, cash, or worries where our next meal was coming from. it was all laid out in front of us. each night, we had a table service meal planned which would frame our day (admittedly, we changed plans on the fly tuesday). each morning, day, and night, we had buses that ran, at the very least, every twenty minutes from right outside our hotel door to whatever destination we were pursuing (only one exception to this rule. wednesday, there was a hiccup on the pick-up to epcot, which put us to the park shortly after it opened. i was furious for an hour, got over it, and it totally did not ruin the day). those included any of the parks and downtown disney. we chose to drive both times we went downtown, but we didn't have to. inside the parks, the presentation, style, and service were out of control awesome. it is a known fact that each employee of #wdw is hired to play a "role". if the employee can not embrace "the role" and the vision that every experience should be and will be disney-rific, then that employee will not be long for disney. we did not get bad service in line or in restaurants even once. we hardly saw a frown. we even were subjected to conversations that we weren't looking to have with disney staff that were just looking to shoot the breeze. well-oiled, to be honest, is an understatement. i wouldn't call it magical, per se, because magical implies that the experience just happens, and sarah and i were well aware of the amount of effort that must be placed on the presentation, style, and service. we didn't take it for granted, not for a second. we constantly were marveling at all the moving parts. no, the experience wasn't magical. it was efficient, devastatingly so, in the best way possible.
i think my conclusion and opinion of the parks, though, when commenting on it not being "the happiest place on earth" boiled down to this. it was almost too intense. too busy. too "we've got to move to the next ride, the next show, the next sit down and eat, the next nap, the next park, the next parade, the next fireworks fantastical, the next ..., the next ..., the next ...." for four. straight. days. we were constantly in motion. we constantly felt late. we constantly felt like we were missing something. we must have been. because, of course, we were. we didn't make the circle of countries in epcot. we just didn't have the energy, so some things got cut. they had to. if we didn't make cuts, the experience would have felt cumbersome, and the last thing a vacation should ever feel like is a burden.
so cuts were made, and we were happy to make them. we loaded up friday and drove home completely exhausted. worn out from the work that #wdw had required of us all. it wasn't work without fulfillment, but it was work, make no mistake.
now, work doesn't mean unhappy, but work means tired means lack of relaxation means lack of reflection until all is said and done. i am incredibly happy with the status of my store and our performance in the whole of 2011, but i am rarely "happy" in the moment, because i am working. working towards a goal that will only be reached and seen in hindsight and very rarely in that or those moments of actual work.
such was disney world. it is work to make your children feel like they've died and gone to heaven even while they are throwing tantrums, calling you stupid, sitting on your shoulders, covering your eyes, and hitting you on the head. it is work to endure the same shortcomings in other people's children without kicking them in the face and then picking a fight with their super-hairy dad just because your mood is so fucking raw and vulnerable in that moment in time. it is work to take six days, six nights, 20 hours in the car, get home and feel like you barely spoke to your wife the whole trip. why? because her ass was working just as hard, if not more so, as i was.
that's not the happiest place on earth. that's ... something else.
could it have been that we were merely #wdw rookies, not seasoned enough to make the most of our time? maybe. but i don't believe that's the most of it. i believe that anytime your children are involved, it's going to be hard to see the forest for the trees, nor do i believe you should have to visit the garden of eden five times to understand its beauty.
we had a magnificent time on our vacation. we have the pictures and the stories and the memories to prove it. we want to go back. we'd do it again right now. we will do it again in a few years when the little kumquat is ready to ride daddy's shoulders around for four days.
all of this recounting does beg the question. what would be my happiest place on earth? it's a good question, one that i don't know if i have an immediate answer for. a braves or bama game would be a good place to start, but, unless someone could promise me the outcome would favor my braves or my bama or my julio, the result might leave me altogether unhappy.
i suppose i'll keep searching, keep forging ahead on my quest for my holy grail, my happiest place on earth.
i am satisfied that i can scratch disney off my list. i've been there and done that now. and i am pleased that we enjoyed it so much that we would repeat last week as soon as possible.
what's next?
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
happy index
(part disney)
((part one))
might as well extend the series while everyone is asleep. i've only been gone from birmingham for two full days, but i already feel disconnected from the world. i know what my timeline on twitter and my news feed on facebook tells me. that's about it. it's kind of nice. that being said, i really don't have a good subject to riff on, so i'll riff on what i've known for a day and a half... walt disney world.
the ugly:
there are kids everywhere. obviously, this goes without saying, but i am not sure i and sarah would be able to enjoy ourselves on a trip here, just the two of us. i bet she would/will disagree with me on that, and maybe she'd be right. maybe looking at all of the kids would be a wonderful reminder that ours weren't with us for a short time. in many moments while standing in line so far, i have been fearful that being surrounded by children would only serve to remind me that i have children. period. kids are crying. kids are screaming. kids are cussing out their parents. and that's just MY kids. seriously, though, this place does bring clearly into focus that all parents share all the same problems all at the same time. kids get tired in general. here at the happiest place on earth, all of their senses are in hyper-aware mode all of the time. it's like a cell phone constantly trying to pull a 3g signal. the battery dies fast. the kids hannah's age are in perpetual anticipation mode, wondering what we are going to do next, ride next, eat next or what character we are going to see next. caroline, on the other hand, is anticipating also, but her anticipation is wrought from fear. fear of what we are going to do next, ride next, eat next or what character she'll be forced to interact with next. because of her age, we can't ease her worry in the same way we can explain things to hannah. hannah hears us and can process what we are trying to say. caroline can hear and understand some of what we are saying, but, really, she is just mentally paralyzed at the thought of having to sit through "it's tough to be a bug" again. for her, one bad experience forecasts the rest of the experiences as bad until proven otherwise. hannah can be traumatized by the "rock 'n roller coaster", cry it out and then start to look forward to something less upside down.
what we see and can read on our children's faces is painted on the faces of every single stinking kid in the parks. either they just had a really good time at "toy story mania" or their big brother totally fucking lied to them about "tower of terror" not being scary and they want to go. home. now. somewhere away from here. or get me a $5 ice cream bar, mom. whatever. i'm about to lose it. too late. they lost it.
kids, man. such emotional little basketcases. every parent has been exactly like us the last couple months. telling stories of how this will be the BEST. WEEK. EVER...whether the kids like it or not. for us parents, we are living vicariously through our children. if they love the attraction, we love the attraction. if they hate it, we hate our spouse that recommended it. i am serious. sarah and i have stared a couple holes through each other already because something didn't go exactly the way we had it going in our heads. it is ridiculous. death stares are not what BEST. WEEK. EVER.'s are supposed to be about.
and really...they aren't. but our emotional barometers are the aforementioned stinking kids, and hannah has cut me in half with her glare a couple times in a day and half.
"daddy...what in the holy fuck were you thinking that i would enjoy that death trap of a roller coaster. i am fucking seven, daddy. a little girl, goddammit. i like iCarly. i don't know what an aerosmith is, and i don't really give a shit to find out why they got a roller coaster and the jonas brothers haven't yet. take me on that again, daddy. do it. we are sleeping right next to each other. i will bash your face while you dream."
at least, that's how i interpreted her tears as i carried her off the ride.
kids, man. they are everywhere.
the bad:
n/a
the good:
n/a
the great:
everything that i wrote above in "the ugly"? forget i said it. i didn't mean it. not a word.
do you know how fucking happy hannah is in walt disney world??? i mean, for her, this is heaven. this is what it is all about. without lifting a finger, this vacation magically happened for her and caroline. reservations for dinners with princesses, rides on buses, attractions with rhinos, musicals inspired by her favorite disney movies, all of the ingenious, beautiful, incredibly intimidating machine that is disney was created just for her, for her to enjoy and reap the benefits of. for caroline that is riding on her sister's coattails, there are moments where she is totally into it, too. she smiles or hugs pocahontas and we, her parents, aren't stressed or bitching at her. the girls come back to the hotel from disney and turn on the tv...to disney. we swim, we ride, we eat. mommy and daddy don't go to work. they don't go to daycare. they wake up from a nap in a few minutes and we are going to do it again. part 2 of day 2, this vacation made just for them.
it's not for us, except that it is for us, in that it's for them, so it's for us.
they are our emotional barometers and we wouldn't want it any other way. all the money we spend. all the time we take off. the exhaustion we can already predict (with over half of our vacation still left waiting for us) for when we get home. it's all worth it if it's worth it to them.
and so far, i think they would tell you it's been worth it. more moments than not have been filled with stars in their eyes because they are seeing things and experiencing things that are unlike anything in huffman, alabama. they may be seeing things and experiencing things that are unlike anything they'll see again in their lives, or, at least, another long time.
as a daddy, i need to keep my fucking cool. the first two and half hours this morning were seamless. the next two were not. we've got seven left in this day and then days 3 and 4 to go to make sure the girls know and feel like it's not work. it's not a burden.
that it's the happiest place on earth. that it's called that for a reason.
time to wake them up from a nap. they are going to be pissed. and tired. and cranky.
maybe hugging mickey will help.
(part disney)
((part one))
might as well extend the series while everyone is asleep. i've only been gone from birmingham for two full days, but i already feel disconnected from the world. i know what my timeline on twitter and my news feed on facebook tells me. that's about it. it's kind of nice. that being said, i really don't have a good subject to riff on, so i'll riff on what i've known for a day and a half... walt disney world.
the ugly:
there are kids everywhere. obviously, this goes without saying, but i am not sure i and sarah would be able to enjoy ourselves on a trip here, just the two of us. i bet she would/will disagree with me on that, and maybe she'd be right. maybe looking at all of the kids would be a wonderful reminder that ours weren't with us for a short time. in many moments while standing in line so far, i have been fearful that being surrounded by children would only serve to remind me that i have children. period. kids are crying. kids are screaming. kids are cussing out their parents. and that's just MY kids. seriously, though, this place does bring clearly into focus that all parents share all the same problems all at the same time. kids get tired in general. here at the happiest place on earth, all of their senses are in hyper-aware mode all of the time. it's like a cell phone constantly trying to pull a 3g signal. the battery dies fast. the kids hannah's age are in perpetual anticipation mode, wondering what we are going to do next, ride next, eat next or what character we are going to see next. caroline, on the other hand, is anticipating also, but her anticipation is wrought from fear. fear of what we are going to do next, ride next, eat next or what character she'll be forced to interact with next. because of her age, we can't ease her worry in the same way we can explain things to hannah. hannah hears us and can process what we are trying to say. caroline can hear and understand some of what we are saying, but, really, she is just mentally paralyzed at the thought of having to sit through "it's tough to be a bug" again. for her, one bad experience forecasts the rest of the experiences as bad until proven otherwise. hannah can be traumatized by the "rock 'n roller coaster", cry it out and then start to look forward to something less upside down.
what we see and can read on our children's faces is painted on the faces of every single stinking kid in the parks. either they just had a really good time at "toy story mania" or their big brother totally fucking lied to them about "tower of terror" not being scary and they want to go. home. now. somewhere away from here. or get me a $5 ice cream bar, mom. whatever. i'm about to lose it. too late. they lost it.
kids, man. such emotional little basketcases. every parent has been exactly like us the last couple months. telling stories of how this will be the BEST. WEEK. EVER...whether the kids like it or not. for us parents, we are living vicariously through our children. if they love the attraction, we love the attraction. if they hate it, we hate our spouse that recommended it. i am serious. sarah and i have stared a couple holes through each other already because something didn't go exactly the way we had it going in our heads. it is ridiculous. death stares are not what BEST. WEEK. EVER.'s are supposed to be about.
and really...they aren't. but our emotional barometers are the aforementioned stinking kids, and hannah has cut me in half with her glare a couple times in a day and half.
"daddy...what in the holy fuck were you thinking that i would enjoy that death trap of a roller coaster. i am fucking seven, daddy. a little girl, goddammit. i like iCarly. i don't know what an aerosmith is, and i don't really give a shit to find out why they got a roller coaster and the jonas brothers haven't yet. take me on that again, daddy. do it. we are sleeping right next to each other. i will bash your face while you dream."
at least, that's how i interpreted her tears as i carried her off the ride.
kids, man. they are everywhere.
the bad:
n/a
the good:
n/a
the great:
everything that i wrote above in "the ugly"? forget i said it. i didn't mean it. not a word.
do you know how fucking happy hannah is in walt disney world??? i mean, for her, this is heaven. this is what it is all about. without lifting a finger, this vacation magically happened for her and caroline. reservations for dinners with princesses, rides on buses, attractions with rhinos, musicals inspired by her favorite disney movies, all of the ingenious, beautiful, incredibly intimidating machine that is disney was created just for her, for her to enjoy and reap the benefits of. for caroline that is riding on her sister's coattails, there are moments where she is totally into it, too. she smiles or hugs pocahontas and we, her parents, aren't stressed or bitching at her. the girls come back to the hotel from disney and turn on the tv...to disney. we swim, we ride, we eat. mommy and daddy don't go to work. they don't go to daycare. they wake up from a nap in a few minutes and we are going to do it again. part 2 of day 2, this vacation made just for them.
it's not for us, except that it is for us, in that it's for them, so it's for us.
they are our emotional barometers and we wouldn't want it any other way. all the money we spend. all the time we take off. the exhaustion we can already predict (with over half of our vacation still left waiting for us) for when we get home. it's all worth it if it's worth it to them.
and so far, i think they would tell you it's been worth it. more moments than not have been filled with stars in their eyes because they are seeing things and experiencing things that are unlike anything in huffman, alabama. they may be seeing things and experiencing things that are unlike anything they'll see again in their lives, or, at least, another long time.
as a daddy, i need to keep my fucking cool. the first two and half hours this morning were seamless. the next two were not. we've got seven left in this day and then days 3 and 4 to go to make sure the girls know and feel like it's not work. it's not a burden.
that it's the happiest place on earth. that it's called that for a reason.
time to wake them up from a nap. they are going to be pissed. and tired. and cranky.
maybe hugging mickey will help.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
happy index
(part the last one)
the kohi will close for good (for now) at a strong:
9
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
another somewhat disappointing run. ran/walked over five miles, but the walking part makes me want to punch a brick wall. what is wrong with me? is it just the weather, or is it all mental now?
the good:
burned 611 calories in spite of myself on the run.
got to use my forerunner gps watch for the first time. i haven't even scratched the surface of everything it can do, but it was pretty awesome getting to run and not hold my phone the whole time.
brought home a bike from amy's place so that i could ride with hannah this summer.
picked up the girls from daycare and drove downtown to surprise mommy and have dinner "in the city". the girls were very pleasant and we were able to use a groupon at surin. we all enjoyed ourselves. the sushi was quite excellent.
came home and rode bikes for the first time with my first baby girl. i can be an ass and really hard on hannah. she's proven that she's worth high expectations, but sometimes i can take those too far. since she took off on her bike, i've given her a hard time every time she has backslid a little, and that is totally unfair. even so, she was totally stoked to ride with me tonight and she stayed on her bike until the fireflies came out...
watched hannah catch fireflies in the backyard. caroline was super-tickled watching her sister and it was really a beautiful scene in our backyard. this time last year, hannah would have totally freaked out at the thought of catching bugs, but she was totally into it tonight.
commentary:
i'll have a kohi post-mortem sometime later this month (maybe). i don't know if i accomplished what i wanted to with the experiment. i don't know that i became a happier person over the last 29 days. i do know that i found myself, at the end of each of those days, looking for the good in them. that, in and of itself, is a discipline that i hope i can continue even if i am not sitting down with a physical inventory and rundown every night.
another nugget of wisdom came from the old turtle in kung fu panda last night. he told his apprentice that there is a saying...
"yesterday is history. tomorrow is a mystery. today is a gift. that is why they call it the present."
i want to resemble this. why the fuck do i spend so much of my time worrying about what kind of cancer i am going to have next or when i am going to die? sure, i am scared, and that's likely never going to change. only one day out of many, many days that i hope to have left will that happen. i need to let go and live with the gifts of my todays. my wife. my children. my friends. sustaining all of those by maintaining and excelling in some form of occupation. loving and loathing alabama football and the braves. knowing more than "you" about whatever sport we're talking about. that's all there really is, right?
so long, kohi. you served me well.
(part the last one)
the kohi will close for good (for now) at a strong:
9
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
another somewhat disappointing run. ran/walked over five miles, but the walking part makes me want to punch a brick wall. what is wrong with me? is it just the weather, or is it all mental now?
the good:
burned 611 calories in spite of myself on the run.
got to use my forerunner gps watch for the first time. i haven't even scratched the surface of everything it can do, but it was pretty awesome getting to run and not hold my phone the whole time.
brought home a bike from amy's place so that i could ride with hannah this summer.
picked up the girls from daycare and drove downtown to surprise mommy and have dinner "in the city". the girls were very pleasant and we were able to use a groupon at surin. we all enjoyed ourselves. the sushi was quite excellent.
came home and rode bikes for the first time with my first baby girl. i can be an ass and really hard on hannah. she's proven that she's worth high expectations, but sometimes i can take those too far. since she took off on her bike, i've given her a hard time every time she has backslid a little, and that is totally unfair. even so, she was totally stoked to ride with me tonight and she stayed on her bike until the fireflies came out...
watched hannah catch fireflies in the backyard. caroline was super-tickled watching her sister and it was really a beautiful scene in our backyard. this time last year, hannah would have totally freaked out at the thought of catching bugs, but she was totally into it tonight.
commentary:
i'll have a kohi post-mortem sometime later this month (maybe). i don't know if i accomplished what i wanted to with the experiment. i don't know that i became a happier person over the last 29 days. i do know that i found myself, at the end of each of those days, looking for the good in them. that, in and of itself, is a discipline that i hope i can continue even if i am not sitting down with a physical inventory and rundown every night.
another nugget of wisdom came from the old turtle in kung fu panda last night. he told his apprentice that there is a saying...
"yesterday is history. tomorrow is a mystery. today is a gift. that is why they call it the present."
i want to resemble this. why the fuck do i spend so much of my time worrying about what kind of cancer i am going to have next or when i am going to die? sure, i am scared, and that's likely never going to change. only one day out of many, many days that i hope to have left will that happen. i need to let go and live with the gifts of my todays. my wife. my children. my friends. sustaining all of those by maintaining and excelling in some form of occupation. loving and loathing alabama football and the braves. knowing more than "you" about whatever sport we're talking about. that's all there really is, right?
so long, kohi. you served me well.
happy index
(part twenty-eight)
kohi closed down last night at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
just an overall good day today, which is somewhat striking following a nice off day and leading up to and into another.
the day at work skipped right on by. it helped that my co-manager and one of my assistant managers were both there with me for most of the shift, me making sure they were ready to take care of the store in my absence next week. having to be deliberate and talk out loud through almost all of my monday did two things. it made me realize how much i do on mondays, and it made the day hurry to its end.
came home to the girls playing in the backyard with a sprinkler and a baby pool, hamming it up together and having a ball. the older caroline gets, the more she can hold her own with hannah. inevitably, the play time will end with hannah body-slamming caroline into some piece of furniture and us having to decide how differently to scold the big sister into realizing she's, you know, the bigger sister. pre-injury and crying, it's nice to hear them cackle and enjoy each other.
grilled out for the second consecutive day, this time chicken. very, very good dinner all around. made me wonder if we could find time to grill every night we are home. in related news, i think tuesday night is hamburger helper night.
watched about 45 minutes of kung fu panda with the girls before bedtime and smiled when the old turtle echoed the same sentiment i tried to share with hannah earlier in the evening after she had kneed caroline in the ear. "there are no accidents".
(part twenty-eight)
kohi closed down last night at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
just an overall good day today, which is somewhat striking following a nice off day and leading up to and into another.
the day at work skipped right on by. it helped that my co-manager and one of my assistant managers were both there with me for most of the shift, me making sure they were ready to take care of the store in my absence next week. having to be deliberate and talk out loud through almost all of my monday did two things. it made me realize how much i do on mondays, and it made the day hurry to its end.
came home to the girls playing in the backyard with a sprinkler and a baby pool, hamming it up together and having a ball. the older caroline gets, the more she can hold her own with hannah. inevitably, the play time will end with hannah body-slamming caroline into some piece of furniture and us having to decide how differently to scold the big sister into realizing she's, you know, the bigger sister. pre-injury and crying, it's nice to hear them cackle and enjoy each other.
grilled out for the second consecutive day, this time chicken. very, very good dinner all around. made me wonder if we could find time to grill every night we are home. in related news, i think tuesday night is hamburger helper night.
watched about 45 minutes of kung fu panda with the girls before bedtime and smiled when the old turtle echoed the same sentiment i tried to share with hannah earlier in the evening after she had kneed caroline in the ear. "there are no accidents".
Sunday, May 29, 2011
happy index
(part twenty-seven)
kohi's going to close at:
9 (may drop to 8 if braves blow this lead.)
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
the weather for today's run was just devastating. all three runs this week were less than stellar. the common denominator was the heat. my mental make-up is taking a beating all the while, and i am now certain i will never run 5 consecutive miles again.
the good:
a lot today...
limbo started the day off nicely with a good conversation on the "rapture", the death, and the ever-present want for some security in "what comes next". i love limbo.
i ran. as disappointing as this week has been compared to last week, i will still say this. i have only been running four months. i am starting to look forward to running. as a result of me saying good things more often than bad, sarah responded in a HUGE way and purchased a gps watch for me so i don't have to carry my phone along with me. it's charged and ready for my run on tuesday. can't freaking wait!
came home and played outside with the girls. frustrating in moments, but a good way to spend an hour.
great night at home grilling out burgers for the first time in forever. my goodness, they were a wonderful, high calorie treat. i'll have a leftover burger for lunch tomorrow then go kate moss again for the rest of the week getting ready for disney world.
commentary:
Braves win. It's a 9.
(part twenty-seven)
kohi's going to close at:
9 (may drop to 8 if braves blow this lead.)
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
the weather for today's run was just devastating. all three runs this week were less than stellar. the common denominator was the heat. my mental make-up is taking a beating all the while, and i am now certain i will never run 5 consecutive miles again.
the good:
a lot today...
limbo started the day off nicely with a good conversation on the "rapture", the death, and the ever-present want for some security in "what comes next". i love limbo.
i ran. as disappointing as this week has been compared to last week, i will still say this. i have only been running four months. i am starting to look forward to running. as a result of me saying good things more often than bad, sarah responded in a HUGE way and purchased a gps watch for me so i don't have to carry my phone along with me. it's charged and ready for my run on tuesday. can't freaking wait!
came home and played outside with the girls. frustrating in moments, but a good way to spend an hour.
great night at home grilling out burgers for the first time in forever. my goodness, they were a wonderful, high calorie treat. i'll have a leftover burger for lunch tomorrow then go kate moss again for the rest of the week getting ready for disney world.
commentary:
Braves win. It's a 9.
happy index
(part twenty-six)
kohi closed last night at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
just another saturday evening at work preceded by another saturday morning where i spend way too much of my time worrying about leaving my family for just another saturday evening at work. it's really quite ridiculous. we had a decent morning. healthy enough breakfast. rocky training montage. time together. five full hours of it, which is every bit as much as we would have together on an evening after mommy and i get home from our usual day shifts. leaving everyone to close the store feels worse i suppose, so i don't allow myself to enjoy the time we have. in related news, i'm an idiot.
finished black swan before bed. in related news, i do not recommend watching black swan before bed.
the good:
came home to watch my boy, jordan schafer, lead off the twelfth inning with a crucial walk and ended up scoring the winning run on a chipper jones ground ball through the right side. braves move to 3-1 with jordan batting leadoff and making over the shoulder basket catches on the warning track. if they keep winning at a .750 clip over the next week and a half, nate mcclouth will officially be trade bait, proving there is, in fact, a god.
(part twenty-six)
kohi closed last night at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
just another saturday evening at work preceded by another saturday morning where i spend way too much of my time worrying about leaving my family for just another saturday evening at work. it's really quite ridiculous. we had a decent morning. healthy enough breakfast. rocky training montage. time together. five full hours of it, which is every bit as much as we would have together on an evening after mommy and i get home from our usual day shifts. leaving everyone to close the store feels worse i suppose, so i don't allow myself to enjoy the time we have. in related news, i'm an idiot.
finished black swan before bed. in related news, i do not recommend watching black swan before bed.
the good:
came home to watch my boy, jordan schafer, lead off the twelfth inning with a crucial walk and ended up scoring the winning run on a chipper jones ground ball through the right side. braves move to 3-1 with jordan batting leadoff and making over the shoulder basket catches on the warning track. if they keep winning at a .750 clip over the next week and a half, nate mcclouth will officially be trade bait, proving there is, in fact, a god.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
happy index
(part twenty-five)
kohi closed down last night at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
not much to report here, other than it was hot for the after-work run. i took off by myself for the first time in about ten days, and my motivation suffered from the jump. the heat sucked out the rest somewhere around the 3.75 mile mark, but i was proud of myself that after a couple of short walk intervals, i still got past 5 miles at right about a 10:00/mile pace. not great, but 669 calories burned is 669 calories burned, right?
braves bungled a game away.
the good:
work was productive and fast.
fajita friday was a great way to end the week, as always.
commentary:
some days are just, you know, ... nondescript. i've had several of those during the 25 day kohi experiment. i get that every day can't be disney world, or else you wouldn't really give a shit about disney world. sometimes, not having much to report is a good thing.
(part twenty-five)
kohi closed down last night at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
not much to report here, other than it was hot for the after-work run. i took off by myself for the first time in about ten days, and my motivation suffered from the jump. the heat sucked out the rest somewhere around the 3.75 mile mark, but i was proud of myself that after a couple of short walk intervals, i still got past 5 miles at right about a 10:00/mile pace. not great, but 669 calories burned is 669 calories burned, right?
braves bungled a game away.
the good:
work was productive and fast.
fajita friday was a great way to end the week, as always.
commentary:
some days are just, you know, ... nondescript. i've had several of those during the 25 day kohi experiment. i get that every day can't be disney world, or else you wouldn't really give a shit about disney world. sometimes, not having much to report is a good thing.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
happy index
(part twenty-three)
gonna close the kohi down at:
9
the ugly:
sarah keeps asking me why i include "the ugly" since nothing is ever placed in this category. i am just looking at it like very few things have happened that have even carried the potential to ruin my day. in and of itself, i appreciate leaving the door open and never having to walk through it.
the bad:
kate moss would be ashamed of my calorie intake today. not that she could do anything about it, her and her skinny ass.
the good:
got to sleep late. the caroline of rising every morning at 6:00 a.m. even slept an hour late. good for her and better for us!
girls were easy getting ready for school. drop-off a piece of cake.
headed to ihop for a big breakfast to start our day. heavy on the calories, but i knew a run was coming to help burn some of the fatty-fat away.
next stop, 280. we were going to stop in a maternity place in the summit, but it wasn't open, so we just headed over to target and spent money there. i got an arm strap for my new(est) ipod. hopefully, it'll help keep the sweat from killing this one.
we saw bridesmaids. dear christ, was it funny. gut-busting-ly funny in two or three different parts. kristin wiig is my new tina fey. i want to watch her do anything and say anything. gosh, ...so flipping hilarious.
came home and chilled for a little bit before heading out for my first run since sunday. made it past the 5 mile mark again. it was hot, but my legs felt pretty fresh after two days off. will probably take tomorrow off for the rain and hit the road again on friday.
ran home, cleaned up, and then met all the girls for a dinner and the brand spankin' new olive garden in trussville. as expected, it was a mad house, but they must have had 100 employees working and, for the most part, had their shit totally together. great way to end the anniversary. girls were really good, too, for the most part.
commentary:
may 25, 2011. a lot has changed in my and sarah's nine years of marriage. the obvious variables have been the children here now and the one on the way. but, it's way more than that. we reminisced some today about our early years. i remember us talking a lot more back then, but that's par for the course i am sure. we didn't know each other. we wanted to know each other, so we had close to fifty years worth of memories and experience to share with each other. fifty years is a lot of time and a lot of stories and a lot of foundation to build for a brand new-ish relationship, but even fifty years you eventually get through. once you do, you have to find something new to talk about. we are at the point now where we pretty much know everything there is to know about the other, so each day has its own routine's worth of catching up, making sure we aren't too pissed off at our jobs or each other, making sure the girls aren't beating the shit out of each other or driving one of us insane. we may go to soccer or to church or back to the church. i may go run. sarah may go lead a ncd group. soon, we'll be taking caroline to gymnastics or hannah to guitar lessons. it's always...something. there is less to talk about, on the whole, and more and more of our communication happens non-verbally. to be honest, syncing up with another person to the point of being able to read them across the room is pretty freaking neat. it may be a glance we share that acknowledges caroline is a goofball. a stare that we hold for just an extra beat because we know, if we don't, one of us is going to bitch-slap our seven year-old. catching each other's eye at softball or from across the sanctuary often tells us all we need to know about what comes next in the day. again, it's not something we had nine years ago. we've developed and linked in to each other's sixth sense over the course of our ten years together, and i imagine that superpower will only grow stronger.
today, there were many of those non-verbal moments. sharing a quick turn of the head to make sure it was okay that i was laughing as loud as i was at a raunchy chick-comedy was cool. her response was less, "yes, you can laugh at this." and more "i'm about to pee myself", but i took it to mean cool was the rule. over breakfast or dinner, i didn't have to ask her if she was enjoying her meal. it was written across her face every bit as clearly as if she'd said something out loud.
...
marriage is a bitch, man. i am so bad at it. mainly, because i am so bad at being patient and kind and generous and selfless and all those other things that a lady would look for in a man. when i said out loud on facebook today that sarah deserved better than me, it wasn't me being all "aww....there goes our good 'ole self-deprecating kevin again. he's cute like a bunny". it was me acknowledging that i've been beyond shitty to her and to our family more times than i would like to count. it was me saying i'm sorry without really saying it, because i am ashamed of what a douchebag i can be. it was me saying that she actually deserve(s) better.
in spite of all my crappiness and self-loathing and others-loathing and church-loathing, though, we've kind of made it work, even if i don't flower her with roses and pretend to be romantic. she seems to be okay with me wearing t-shirts and my shoes untied. i look past her annoying habit to call me like she sees me, and we move forward.
i still worry that i won't be around for another nine years, much less forty, but i hope i am. i truly hope i am. i want our next nine to be what the first nine could've been. better than average. good even. striving for great.
thanks for everything, sarah. i "luff"ed today.
lillian: "i just shit in the street."
(part twenty-three)
gonna close the kohi down at:
9
the ugly:
sarah keeps asking me why i include "the ugly" since nothing is ever placed in this category. i am just looking at it like very few things have happened that have even carried the potential to ruin my day. in and of itself, i appreciate leaving the door open and never having to walk through it.
the bad:
kate moss would be ashamed of my calorie intake today. not that she could do anything about it, her and her skinny ass.
the good:
got to sleep late. the caroline of rising every morning at 6:00 a.m. even slept an hour late. good for her and better for us!
girls were easy getting ready for school. drop-off a piece of cake.
headed to ihop for a big breakfast to start our day. heavy on the calories, but i knew a run was coming to help burn some of the fatty-fat away.
next stop, 280. we were going to stop in a maternity place in the summit, but it wasn't open, so we just headed over to target and spent money there. i got an arm strap for my new(est) ipod. hopefully, it'll help keep the sweat from killing this one.
we saw bridesmaids. dear christ, was it funny. gut-busting-ly funny in two or three different parts. kristin wiig is my new tina fey. i want to watch her do anything and say anything. gosh, ...so flipping hilarious.
came home and chilled for a little bit before heading out for my first run since sunday. made it past the 5 mile mark again. it was hot, but my legs felt pretty fresh after two days off. will probably take tomorrow off for the rain and hit the road again on friday.
ran home, cleaned up, and then met all the girls for a dinner and the brand spankin' new olive garden in trussville. as expected, it was a mad house, but they must have had 100 employees working and, for the most part, had their shit totally together. great way to end the anniversary. girls were really good, too, for the most part.
commentary:
may 25, 2011. a lot has changed in my and sarah's nine years of marriage. the obvious variables have been the children here now and the one on the way. but, it's way more than that. we reminisced some today about our early years. i remember us talking a lot more back then, but that's par for the course i am sure. we didn't know each other. we wanted to know each other, so we had close to fifty years worth of memories and experience to share with each other. fifty years is a lot of time and a lot of stories and a lot of foundation to build for a brand new-ish relationship, but even fifty years you eventually get through. once you do, you have to find something new to talk about. we are at the point now where we pretty much know everything there is to know about the other, so each day has its own routine's worth of catching up, making sure we aren't too pissed off at our jobs or each other, making sure the girls aren't beating the shit out of each other or driving one of us insane. we may go to soccer or to church or back to the church. i may go run. sarah may go lead a ncd group. soon, we'll be taking caroline to gymnastics or hannah to guitar lessons. it's always...something. there is less to talk about, on the whole, and more and more of our communication happens non-verbally. to be honest, syncing up with another person to the point of being able to read them across the room is pretty freaking neat. it may be a glance we share that acknowledges caroline is a goofball. a stare that we hold for just an extra beat because we know, if we don't, one of us is going to bitch-slap our seven year-old. catching each other's eye at softball or from across the sanctuary often tells us all we need to know about what comes next in the day. again, it's not something we had nine years ago. we've developed and linked in to each other's sixth sense over the course of our ten years together, and i imagine that superpower will only grow stronger.
today, there were many of those non-verbal moments. sharing a quick turn of the head to make sure it was okay that i was laughing as loud as i was at a raunchy chick-comedy was cool. her response was less, "yes, you can laugh at this." and more "i'm about to pee myself", but i took it to mean cool was the rule. over breakfast or dinner, i didn't have to ask her if she was enjoying her meal. it was written across her face every bit as clearly as if she'd said something out loud.
...
marriage is a bitch, man. i am so bad at it. mainly, because i am so bad at being patient and kind and generous and selfless and all those other things that a lady would look for in a man. when i said out loud on facebook today that sarah deserved better than me, it wasn't me being all "aww....there goes our good 'ole self-deprecating kevin again. he's cute like a bunny". it was me acknowledging that i've been beyond shitty to her and to our family more times than i would like to count. it was me saying i'm sorry without really saying it, because i am ashamed of what a douchebag i can be. it was me saying that she actually deserve(s) better.
in spite of all my crappiness and self-loathing and others-loathing and church-loathing, though, we've kind of made it work, even if i don't flower her with roses and pretend to be romantic. she seems to be okay with me wearing t-shirts and my shoes untied. i look past her annoying habit to call me like she sees me, and we move forward.
i still worry that i won't be around for another nine years, much less forty, but i hope i am. i truly hope i am. i want our next nine to be what the first nine could've been. better than average. good even. striving for great.
thanks for everything, sarah. i "luff"ed today.
lillian: "i just shit in the street."
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
happy index
(part twenty-two)
kohi closing tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
man. "you working on a tuesday? what happened?" "where's kathy?" "did you fire someone?" "your boss in town?" just a smattering of comments from customers, one delivery guy and a vendor rep that all noticed i was at the store when i am usually not. it will be another while before i make it back on a tuesday. probably another long while. all things considered, though, it wasn't that bad.
didn't do anything exercise-related today. no rocky training montage at home. no running. no softball. no nothing. on top of that, i ate a banana, a subway club, some chips, and a large mexican dinner. my stomach hurts because i stretched it. that's sad. "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". you are wise, kate moss. maybe the wisest. must burn major calories tomorrow.
the good:
hannah celebrated the end of her third soccer season tonight with her teammates and their families. it was nice. my first trip to munoz. food was "eh.", but i did leave with a mental picture of nasty on a ten speed road bike that made me chuckle.
jordan schafer got his first major league action in almost two years tonight and went 0-4. doesn't sound good, but he walked and scored on a double in the third because he's fast and leadoff hitters should be able to score from first on doubles. i hope he hits some, but, really, it was great to be able to watch him again. i felt proud, like i have some claim on him, which is ridiculous. he was also wearing number one. you are number one, jordan. tonight, you're number one in my heart.
commentary:
may 25th, 2002.
(part twenty-two)
kohi closing tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
man. "you working on a tuesday? what happened?" "where's kathy?" "did you fire someone?" "your boss in town?" just a smattering of comments from customers, one delivery guy and a vendor rep that all noticed i was at the store when i am usually not. it will be another while before i make it back on a tuesday. probably another long while. all things considered, though, it wasn't that bad.
didn't do anything exercise-related today. no rocky training montage at home. no running. no softball. no nothing. on top of that, i ate a banana, a subway club, some chips, and a large mexican dinner. my stomach hurts because i stretched it. that's sad. "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". you are wise, kate moss. maybe the wisest. must burn major calories tomorrow.
the good:
hannah celebrated the end of her third soccer season tonight with her teammates and their families. it was nice. my first trip to munoz. food was "eh.", but i did leave with a mental picture of nasty on a ten speed road bike that made me chuckle.
jordan schafer got his first major league action in almost two years tonight and went 0-4. doesn't sound good, but he walked and scored on a double in the third because he's fast and leadoff hitters should be able to score from first on doubles. i hope he hits some, but, really, it was great to be able to watch him again. i felt proud, like i have some claim on him, which is ridiculous. he was also wearing number one. you are number one, jordan. tonight, you're number one in my heart.
commentary:
may 25th, 2002.
happy index
(part twenty-one)
kohi closed down at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
weird feeling all day at work knowing that i would be working on a tuesday for the first time in i can't remember. mondays are always really busy, but the light at the end of the tunnel is softball/basketball during the evening and then an off day on tuesday. taking that away made monday feel a little bit more like a, well, monday.
lost for the second time this season to a team whose jerseys name them the lord's "diciples". we may suck, but at least we can spell...and proofread.
the good:
word was that caroline was a champ getting a couple of her baby molars "painted". i'll be sure to bring up how i've been alive for over 34 years without a cavity. she made it three. ha!!! take that, sucka.
we won our first softball game of our doubleheader, so that was good.
got word that my favorite brave off all time (for 2009), jordan schafer, was finally called back up to the bigs after nate mcclouth was put on the dl. i can't wait to see him play. CANNOT WAIT!!! and what if he played so lights out over the next two weeks that the braves couldn't help but trade mcclouth away or leave him in triple-a where his sorry ass belongs? what if, indeed.
commentary:
two weeks from this morning, we'll be in disney. oh-em-gee.
(part twenty-one)
kohi closed down at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
weird feeling all day at work knowing that i would be working on a tuesday for the first time in i can't remember. mondays are always really busy, but the light at the end of the tunnel is softball/basketball during the evening and then an off day on tuesday. taking that away made monday feel a little bit more like a, well, monday.
lost for the second time this season to a team whose jerseys name them the lord's "diciples". we may suck, but at least we can spell...and proofread.
the good:
word was that caroline was a champ getting a couple of her baby molars "painted". i'll be sure to bring up how i've been alive for over 34 years without a cavity. she made it three. ha!!! take that, sucka.
we won our first softball game of our doubleheader, so that was good.
got word that my favorite brave off all time (for 2009), jordan schafer, was finally called back up to the bigs after nate mcclouth was put on the dl. i can't wait to see him play. CANNOT WAIT!!! and what if he played so lights out over the next two weeks that the braves couldn't help but trade mcclouth away or leave him in triple-a where his sorry ass belongs? what if, indeed.
commentary:
two weeks from this morning, we'll be in disney. oh-em-gee.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
happy index
(part twenty)
shutting the kohi down at a rounded-up:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
worship meeting right smack in the middle of the day made it pretty difficult for the off day to feel long like i wished last night. i won't go so far as to say the meeting was a waste of time. it wasn't. sunday meetings that aren't scheduled for a time that hannah already has something going on are the absolute worst for my attitude. yuck.
ran during the evening hours for the first time since the running began. took off around 6:00 and felt pretty good. alas, a couple hiccups along the way and i didn't finish like i wanted to, coming short of five miles for the second consecutive run. guess i still have some work to do before 5 is established.
the braves are terrible again after teasing me earlier in the week. that, and heyward went on the dl. this move will make it easier on my stomach to watch the braves and manipulate my fantasy roster, but i don't think it's a good thing for the real-world team to now have to trust something called a joe mather every day. wherefore art thou, jordan schafer?
the good:
limbo was pretty terrific this morning. i don't know if we have ever been off stride, but with one week to go before the disney break, the quality of our conversations have been consistently top-notch over the last two months.
lunch with the family and friends was deliciously unhealthy. good thing i burned 574 calories off later in the day or i wouldn't be feeling very good about myself.
hannah got her new bike! i am really freaking proud of how quickly she learned to ride once she got it in her mind she was ready. this summer is going to be a lot more fun strictly due to her being able to ride.
(part twenty)
shutting the kohi down at a rounded-up:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
worship meeting right smack in the middle of the day made it pretty difficult for the off day to feel long like i wished last night. i won't go so far as to say the meeting was a waste of time. it wasn't. sunday meetings that aren't scheduled for a time that hannah already has something going on are the absolute worst for my attitude. yuck.
ran during the evening hours for the first time since the running began. took off around 6:00 and felt pretty good. alas, a couple hiccups along the way and i didn't finish like i wanted to, coming short of five miles for the second consecutive run. guess i still have some work to do before 5 is established.
the braves are terrible again after teasing me earlier in the week. that, and heyward went on the dl. this move will make it easier on my stomach to watch the braves and manipulate my fantasy roster, but i don't think it's a good thing for the real-world team to now have to trust something called a joe mather every day. wherefore art thou, jordan schafer?
the good:
limbo was pretty terrific this morning. i don't know if we have ever been off stride, but with one week to go before the disney break, the quality of our conversations have been consistently top-notch over the last two months.
lunch with the family and friends was deliciously unhealthy. good thing i burned 574 calories off later in the day or i wouldn't be feeling very good about myself.
hannah got her new bike! i am really freaking proud of how quickly she learned to ride once she got it in her mind she was ready. this summer is going to be a lot more fun strictly due to her being able to ride.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
happy index
(part nineteen)
closing down tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
felt like a really quick morning at home with the family this morning. always does when i am closing on saturdays, which is most saturdays. got a workout in and watched despicable me. after that, it was just about time to go.
work was work. two weeks 'til we leave for disney.
the good:
breakfast was nice this morning.
sarah went and replaced my week old ipod for me so i can use it tomorrow. that was nice. she tooks the girls, too, which i don't think was a great experience.
commentary:
ready for an off day tomorrow. hope it feels long.
(part nineteen)
closing down tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
felt like a really quick morning at home with the family this morning. always does when i am closing on saturdays, which is most saturdays. got a workout in and watched despicable me. after that, it was just about time to go.
work was work. two weeks 'til we leave for disney.
the good:
breakfast was nice this morning.
sarah went and replaced my week old ipod for me so i can use it tomorrow. that was nice. she tooks the girls, too, which i don't think was a great experience.
commentary:
ready for an off day tomorrow. hope it feels long.
Friday, May 20, 2011
happy index
(part eighteen)
kohi closing at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
week old ipod stopped working at the 3.5 mile mark on today's run. i am hoping this isn't an omen for my judgment day fate.
my car quit on sarah while hers was getting an oil change today. after getting mine jumped off, sarah took the tribute to the shop where the boys told her everything is fine. if anyone wants to open a betting pool on where, exactly, my ass is gonna get stranded in the next couple days, i'll throw in.
the good:
fajita friday.
commentary:
i hope the world doesn't end tomorrow. i'm not ready.
(part eighteen)
kohi closing at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
week old ipod stopped working at the 3.5 mile mark on today's run. i am hoping this isn't an omen for my judgment day fate.
my car quit on sarah while hers was getting an oil change today. after getting mine jumped off, sarah took the tribute to the shop where the boys told her everything is fine. if anyone wants to open a betting pool on where, exactly, my ass is gonna get stranded in the next couple days, i'll throw in.
the good:
fajita friday.
commentary:
i hope the world doesn't end tomorrow. i'm not ready.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
happy index
(part seventeen)
kohi closing at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
productive and, more importantly, fast day at work. disney-itis is setting in. that's what i am telling myself. i want to get away, but i don't want to just get away. i want to go to disney with my family and enjoy a week to ourselves and nothing but ourselves. so, how can i do best do that and not wish and waste away the three weeks between now and then?
reluctant but completed exercise at home.
a few minutes of bike riding with hannah and big-wheeling with caroline.
hamburger helper dinner with the family.
love wins.
commentary:
i so hope love wins.
(part seventeen)
kohi closing at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
productive and, more importantly, fast day at work. disney-itis is setting in. that's what i am telling myself. i want to get away, but i don't want to just get away. i want to go to disney with my family and enjoy a week to ourselves and nothing but ourselves. so, how can i do best do that and not wish and waste away the three weeks between now and then?
reluctant but completed exercise at home.
a few minutes of bike riding with hannah and big-wheeling with caroline.
hamburger helper dinner with the family.
love wins.
commentary:
i so hope love wins.
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