"take the map and tear it up. we'll find our way anyway.
we'd never gotten this far had we followed the road." - pain


good ole pain. another one of my bands that has long since passed. midgets with guns remains a classic to this day and derision one of it's most underrated songs. just throwing that out there.

yesterday was a good and fitting end to a good and fitting year. there wasn't anything stressful to get ready for. nothing to be anxious about. just several episodes of lost, a fun(ny) trip to the playground, a long overdue (and enlightening) trip to my grandmother's house, and a very surreal trip to costa's bbq in huffman.

the conversation with my grandmother and the drive-thru experience at costa's told me a lot about myself. where i have been. where i am now. where i will go from here. it wasn't long ago that the brothers o'kelley would have taught the lady in the drive-thru an unsolicited lesson in patience and never thought ourselves the worse for it. it wasn't long ago that the early afternooon conversation would have surprised me or hurt me a lot more than it did yesterday.

"i grow older and wiser", i said in an earlier post. most of us do. some of us don't. "kevin's going to ruin this afternoon."? really? how. by bringing fruitcake? by making a scene? oh, silly, that's not my bag. it's yours, don't you know?

"him or me."? you chose wrong.

january the first, 2006. i will turn thirty this year. a very young thirty. goodness. i have made a pledge to live this year and the rest that i am allowed like i have something to prove. that means spending a lot less time on the people and things that make me sad and a lot more on the people and things that make me happy. my wife and child and their families. my friends. my paying job. my non-paying jobs. my brother that i may not see for a while but my brother that i feel has finally become a man. don't listen to what you may hear. he's doing better. he's clean. he's all cut up. he could always kick your ass, just now he'll remember it. he's got a tan. he's got a girl. someone that makes him want to be better. not someone (like i used to be) that thinks he should be better because it would reflect better on them. i'll pray for him now. not just for me.

it's a funny thing that happens when you find yourself and buy into it. things seem easier. time doesn't go by quite as fast. you don't need a map anymore. or quotes. or memories to erase or make right.

this is a new year. this is a new me.

thank You for the help. i needed it.

this is going to be a good year. a slow, good year.