one of my babies looks to be screwed


my current list of babies:

michael vick
tim hudson
lebron james
ichiro (slipping)
jeff francoeur (rising)

like one of my favorite tv personalities might say..."that's it. that's the list." there are other athletes (peyton, manny, barry, nash, wade, among others) that i root for or, for that matter, might even make my appointment television list, but the above five guys are the ones that illuminate or haunt my dreams (dependant on whether i've eaten something heavy before i go to bed) on any given night. ichiro is only slipping because i never see him any more. being on the west coast, he never gets play on espn and i don't have the extra innings package, so the only time i will even get a chance to see ichiro live this year is the all-star game. honestly, i think i am still in love only with the idea of ichiro as much as the player himself. i can't really call myself a fan if i never see him play, right? as for frenchy, he's the closest thing atlanta (who's starting to teeter towards sucking right now thanks to the freaking injury bug burrowing under the club's skin) has seen to my childhood hero, dale murphy. huge arm. loopy and powerful swing. really fun to watch. could rise even higher on the list by the end of the season if he can somehow keep the braves in the race for the postseason.

the number one guy on my list is mike vick. and comparing mike vick to the rest of the list is almost unfair as far as his general importance to my lust of sports go. mike is dennis miller to the rest of the list's chris farley. and that's not to take anything away from chris farley. he's funny and all. especially when he's yelling or throwing himself into tables or overdosing, but dennis miller actually tells jokes. he says stuff that you have to chew on, make the connection, laugh about and then enjoy that you got it for a few days after the joke, itself, was told. mike vick is like that. nfl guys have always had a hard and frustrating time with putting mike in a box. "he isn't a dropback quarterback." "he doesn't complete enough passes." blah, blah, blah. at least once in every game, he has a "moment" that you just can't help but give him your total attention. most of the time it's when he's breaking free of the pocket and threatens to show every defender how much faster and athletic he is than them. on occasion, it's when he unleashes the national weapon that is his arm and tries to throw a pass through one of his receivers. but there is always that "moment" that, if you watch the game, you will think about and dwell on it's "i am so glad i saw that in real time" quotient for days after the fact.

well, unfortunately for me, him, and all of us, mike is about to have a different moment. seems that mike likes to raise dogs to fight and kill each other. this story is everywhere, and it won't seem to go away. it won't go away, because most of the story seems to be true and raising dogs to fight and kill each other happens to be illegal. as for the whole dogfighting thing, i think it's pretty crappy, but no more than other kinds of animal cruelty which seem to be overlooked. i''ll point you toward aol fanhouse and this article without going into too much detail, since i agree with pretty much every word. as for mike being involved, well, i can't really say that i am shocked or amazed or disappointed or whatever. it almost sounds like something that i would expect him to be involved in. on field and off, mike embraces his inner gangster, which to me, makes him that much more interesting. whether or not mike is charged or convicted of anything doesn't really matter at this point. if you cuss around the new nfl commissioner, you're gonna get suspended.

i am going to cross my fingers that i don't lose him for the whole season. or longer. i am going to send the commissioner an e-mail and ask him to understand what mike means to me and atlanta and the league and judge him lightly. and i don't expect it to change a thing.

oh, dear, sweet mike vick. is a sports life without you a life worth living? if the falcons lose with a crappy ex-georgia three-year back-up at quarterback or joey harrington, would they even make a sound? the world may soon find out.

and i will be sad.

five years and counting


it feels like i am supposed to be thinking something like, "man, may 25, 2002 feels like it was just yesterday." but it doesn't. in most ways, five years ago feels like five years ago. in most ways, five years ago feels like a lifetime ago. so much has changed since my and sarah's wedding day. so many peaks. so many valleys. so much different. not a lot the same.

just a few highlights (or lowlights in some cases) of the last five years...in the last five years i experienced the best of times as the student director of huffman united methodist church. great attendance. great experiences. young people learning to understand the idea of being a christian and being of the world all at the same time. me learning the same. in the last five years, also, i resigned myself to the thought that my church and myself would be better off without me and i gave up my staff position at the church i love. looking back, i may be better off, but the church and the youth group is not (of course, i am biased in this thought.). shortly after leaving huffman, i moved part-time to huntsville and became partly responsible for a failed church plant. in the last five years, i became a father...to a girl. unbelievably, we are both living to recount the experience thus far and may even be the better for it...both of us. in the last five years, i learned what it meant to be a husband and chose to be one. a real one, not just on paper. in the last five years, i've lost friends and i've gained friends. i've lost a pet and regained a pet. bought a car. bought a house. cut some loose ends. have left some hanging. bought less music. started a blog. in the last five years, i feel like i've learned more about how humans behave and react to one another than i ever would have thought possible. in the last five years, i feel like i've figured it out.

now, that's not all to say that i've figured it all out. just it. i am just comfortable and confident in my own skin for the first time in my life. and i am loving it. but i will say this, if i come as far in the next five years as i have in these last five, i might just have to change my name to neo and start breaking shit with my mind. i am just saying.

comfort and confidence is a happy place and an enlightening feeling. but i must be careful not to rest with the feeling. i told sarah on our anniversary that the biggest difference that i think she's made in my life is that, over the last five years, i feel like i have stopped taking the easiest option every time i am presented with a choice. taking the longcut to where i am now may not have always been the one that made sense to "most people" or even myself, but it brought me to a very dangerous place.

a place that tells me it's just about time to stir the pot again. but not because stirring the pot is the cool thing to do. because stirring the pot is the right thing to do.

happy anniversary, sarah. and thanks.

getting ready for the "next step"
(um...why did he put that in italics?)


i've haven't strayed onto the topic of huffman united methodist for a while now. the fact that i haven't been to a worship service there in several weeks isn't the whole reason i don't guess, although i am sure that it plays a role. i can't cite "out of sight, out of mind", because the church has most definitely been on my mind what with the upheaval in the children's place (humc's "ministry" of a daycare that hannah attends). it's more that, because i haven't been around on sunday mornings, i have tried to focus on good thoughts rather than negative ones. this tactic has worked to some degree. only for a short time after reading the weekly mail-out bulletin do i feel ire towards the church, and then i have moved on to hannah or sarah or sports or something more worth my time and effort.

but then i read rick's latest column. in it, he describes in short the life-raft of a position that the conference created for him to get the hell out of huffman and he tells the congregation in name that we will be welcoming rev. chris denson and his family to our fold come father's day. those two items are fine and good, but what i focused on and can't shake just yet is that he mentions that under our new pastor's leadership, huffman is ready to take the "next step". the words, "next step", are italicized. you can misspell words by accident. you can splice a comma by accident (i assure you). you can be thinking something in your head and your fingers type something else by accident (this also, i know). but you do not italicize by accident. rick was trying to make a special point with this move, and it's up to us, his readers, to understand and analyze this non-accident.

personally, it scares the hell out of me for huffman all over again. to me, there are only two ways you can take it. the first? he knew it was cliche'. he knew that the "next step" or taking said step is the go-to transitional phrase that every pastor must choose when he/she is leaving one church and handing the reigns over to someone else. this comment is the lame-duck's way of saying "the right thing" and allowing the congregation he's giving the finger to or being pulled away from a glimmer of hope as he/she exits. "don't worry, church X. rev. whatshisname is a wonderful man, an excellent preacher and you are ready to take the next step in your ministry with him." so, in scenario one we see rick understanding that he is using the old, tried and tired cliche', but being ok with being unoriginal and using it anyway. in scenario one, italicizing "next step" is lame, but it's understood.

scenario two is worse, but more likely. the second way we can take his comment is as a backhanded way of telling the church that we are screwed. we are to recognize that, cliche' or not, rick fully understood and wanted to use the phrase, the "next step", and in his mind, he knew what that really meant. for all intents and purposes, huffman's next step, you see, is to die. for years we have been able to play the "we are an aging church" card and still feel optimistic about the future of our church. but that time has come and gone. huffman is no longer aging. we have, in fact, aged. we have a goodly number of baby boomers in our midst. we have even more above or well-above retirement-aged persons. we have very few generation x'ers. we have very few youth and children. and what is worse about these vary vague demographics is that we, as a collective, seem ok with that. yesterday morning, a graduating class of seniors (the vast majority of which are no longer active with the youth group) were told 'that they'll always have a place at humc' and that 'we hope that you'll consider coming back to us after college'. the notion of never leaving was not even discussed. hell, like i said, most of them had already gone. but the why's and whatnot's of those individual young persons are not the issue here. the issue is this. rick knows what i know. that one of the conference's flagship churches of less than twenty years ago is borderline, if not altogether, irrelevant. he was just too chicken to say it. instead, he italicized "next step" as to not step on anyone's toes on the way out the door. bravo, rick. bravo.

huffman's been littered with "next steps" and missteps over the last several years. a retirement-age bishop yanking john rutland away from a congregation still brimming with potential and replacing him with the divisive and incompetent charles lee was one. cutting charles lee off at the knees (probably a good move), the church pushed him out and brought still-brimming-with-potential pastor rick "i want to know the song of your heart" (probably an ironic and bad omen from the get-go. there was still a bad taste in the mouth of the older members at huffman from our first failed non-traditional worship service named, you guessed it, heartsong.) on. unfortunately, shortly after rick came, the 500 lb. gorilla in the corner that is the children's place (look for more on the daycare in a future post soon) lost their capable and kind director. replacing her with an incapable administrator with a hard heart and no ties to the church was another misstep. the congregation and the staff failing miserably with two more (r.i.p. gracelink and manna mondays) non-traditional worship services were not fatal, but mere kicks to the groin of a church already on the ground. the final misstep to this point? our pastor cutting his own losses while his reputation (deserved or undeserved is for another debate) is still intact and floating on his life-raft into the uncharted waters of "new opportunity".

either way you slice it, huffman's next step is not a sight for sore eyes.

hope does remain, though. in the form of a daycare that is our only root into our community. a daycare that has also seen it's better days but may remain the only ministry at our church currently brimming with potential. does rev. chris denson understand this? not a chance. and we, as a collective, will be fighting for our lives to help him try and get it. there are those on our own staff that wish it would close it's doors yesterday. but hope does remain. in the kids and teachers that walk our halls during the week but do not sniff the sanctuary on the weekend.

whatever the next step is, huffman, we have to hold the children's place hand and let it lead us into the unknown. if you are not comfortable with this idea, i hear that trussville and clearbranch openly accept and embrace people that have rationalized themselves away from what once was a good and happy place.

fuck next step. the time to fight for our church is now.

how's the weather, fair?


bethlehem shoals from freedarko (anyone that's interested in mixing philosophy with the nba should take a look) posted an entry yesterday that included a comment that made me perk up and take a personal inventory. in observing the nba's current cinderellas (golden state) in their current series versus the jazz, shoals came to this conclusion. "i only like the warriors when they're winning." only if you've kept up with freedarko as the warriors completed the biggest nba playoff upset ever could you feel the total weight of the statement. shoals had gone so far as to compare the runamokedness of the warriors' game to jazz (the music, not the team) only a week or so ago. he was completely in love. as was most of the nba nation. and why not? they were only taking every model of what the perfect playoff basketball team was and eating it alive kicking and screaming. their coach was called a mad scientist. their players called castoffs, and that was only when people were being polite. but their brand of playground-times-ten basketball confused the "best team in the nba" and sent their mvp home to collect his mvp trophy at an embarrassing news conference instead of prior to a playoff game.

but the sheen on the new car that is/was the warriors has started to fade in the second round. you see, there was a reason they had to play themselves into the playoffs on the final day of the regular season. there were reasons why they were a .500 team. "the best team in the nba" just couldn't figure out those reasons. probably because their "mvp" sucks, but that's been documented on every sports site. i guess it makes sense that shoals and others are falling out of love with the warriors. it's the same feeling that people get when george mason type teams start to advance in the ncaa tournament. it's exciting at first, but then you realize that they suck and you hope they lose before they start completely ruining your bracket.

what this got me thinking of, though, was how often i am guilty of being a fairweather fan. which teams do i swear allegiance to even when times are tough? even with my "live or die" teams (alabama football and basketball, braves, falcons), i have turned my back on them. when the braves started going downhill last season (their first bad year in 15 years!!! how ridiculously not loyal am i???), i stopped watching games and had no interest in trying to find a way over to atlanta to catch a game in person. hell, the braves are a half game out of first today and when i heard that john smoltz hurt himself when i got home from work last night, i almost decided to mail the rest of the year in as a loss. don't even get me started about alabama sports. i hate those teams more often than i love them. that's painfully obvious from which emotion inspires me to write about them. trust me. this blog's archives document it clearly.

the more i thought about it, the more i came to my own epiphany, thanks in part to the guy from freedarko coming to his. i am completely, totally, 100 percent over the top a fairweather fan. i've become (or maybe always have been) what i have claimed to hate the most. the type of sports fan that claim "they lived through the dale murphy years" (like me.) or "wish that nick saban becomes the new bear" when they only know of the bear's legend (like me.). the kind of fan that will sport a red sox shirt one day and a mariners shirt the next depending on which athlete he is currently dreaming about at night (like me.). the kind of fan that adopts dwayne wade and the heat so they don't have to root for the mavericks (like me.). the kind of fan that falls in love with peyton only after he's gone from really good to hall-of-famer because the falcons kind of suck (like me.). i am "that guy". i know this. i might as well own it, right?

maybe that's my own way of putting sports into their proper perspective. jumping from team to team. bandwagon to bandwagon. could i live without sports? i wouldn't want to, but i probably could. and so, until the alabama high school athletic association proclaims every day a "day of worship" and bans all sports completely, i will choose this, my new and enlightened path. the braves and alabama football and alabama basketball and the falcons will still be my favorite teams, but i will claim my right as a fairweather fan to hop on any bandwagon, big or small, of my choosing at any time.

their are four things that i hope my legacy in life does not judge me as fairweather: a husband, father, christian and friend. after that, all bets are off.

as for sports?

let's go suns!!!

the world is flat
(oh, shit. no, sorry, it's round.)


i've mentioned a few times how much i like (or love...madly) the show, lost. i came to the party one season late, but after my first-season cram session, i was hooked. and it is now my tv drug of choice. heroes and the office are close seconds at this point, but even with those two shows, i could handle watching a taped episode of the former on tuesday nights when nothing else comes on or downloading an office on itunes just so long as we watch it before the next week's new episode airs. this is not the case with lost. if i didn't share my wednesday nights with jack, kate, sawyer and "the others", i'd be, well...you know, lost (sorry, you know i had to do that.). you could've counted me among the number of frustrated fans after the season's first six episodes. i shared the same wonders and questions as many of the show's devotees. what was going on? why are you adding new characters on the beach three seasons in? do you know what you are doing? does the show know where it's going? does it know how it's going to end? when are we going to start getting answers?

well, the show has hit a major stride over the past several episodes and several things have happened to re-energize my want to see the show through 'til the very end.

1) an end date was reached between abc and the producers. may, 2010. 48 more episodes. a hugely important question is answered with this decision. for any fan that worried that the show would be dragged out and on 'til every cent was drained from the money-maker that is the show, that worry can now be put to bed. we have now seen more episodes than there are to be seen. the producers have said in interviews they know how it's going to end. now, we as fans can just sit back and enjoy the way it all comes together.

2) jeff jensen. i am sure there are hundreds of fan sites that i am unaware of and i could find all sorts of interesting information and theories on these sites, but my resident expert is "doc" jensen of entertainment weekly (ew.com). he is just as much (or probably much more) a fan of the show as i am and he has the time/paycheck to devote all sorts of time and energy to dissecting the show, positing theories, writing a preview column before every first run episode, a commentary on the episode the following day and single-handedly making lost more of an event for me than just a show. i don't watch wednesday night's show without reading jeff jensen's column. and i don't feel like i have a complete grasp on the show i just watched until i read what his take on it was the day after. i highly recommend adding "doc" into your weekly diet if you take the show as seriously as i do.

3) the "answers" are coming. maybe not in the way that you or i would like, but starting with this weeks episode, the show took a completely different turn for me. jensen makes a point in his most recent column that i couldn't agree with any more than i do. prior to this week's show, i think fans were divided into two camps as far as the avenue they wanted the answers in the show to come from. one camp wanted everything to be explained in a very scientific/factual/thiscouldallreallyhappen sort of way. the other camp didn't mind if lost explained it's questions through sci-fi colored glasses. i don't know if i fell squarely into either one of these camps, but after this week, it is 100 percent obvious that there will be a science fiction angle to the show. and that is completely fine with me. actually it's perfect. more than perfect. x-files was one of my favorite shows ever and one of the reasons i was able to completely embrace it was that i knew that as real as scully and mulder and the fbi seemed, they existed in a "reality" where aliens and other monsters existed. the show was an escape. and that was part of the fun. up until this week on lost, i was unable to bearhug the show completely because i didn't know if i was watching an updated version of fantasy island or an updated version of lord of the flies. and now i know. it's both. and that's awesome. because once you enter the realm of science-fiction, all bets are off. from this point forward, i'll believe anything you show me because i don't have to convince myself that "it could really happen." is ben the devil? who knows. is the smoke monster post-modern god? maybe. is the island purgatory? who cares. whatever happens from this point forward, i am buckled in and ready for the ride.

i hate that there are only two shows left 'til january of 2008, but i know they are going to kick ass. if you've jumped off the lost boat or haven't bought your ticket yet, it's not too late. the best show on television would love to have you. and don't give me the "i wouldn't know what was going on." excuse. you can borrow season one from me. i am sure jacob sutton has season two. season three will come out in a couple months. i'll print your dog tags.

the lost army needs you.

my life as a single-dad for three days
(the post game news conference)
((a transcript))

i appreciate you all being here today. the time i spent last week as a single-dad was an eye-opening but, for the most part, very wonderful experience. i'll take a few questions before i head back to my normal life as a very married dad. you, sir, in the back...

can you give us a glimpse into your three days at home with hannah? what was it like? how did you spend your time? what was your initial reaction to the experience after your time alone with hannah ended?

"wow. ok. from this point on, if we could just do one question at a time, that would be great. i'll try and get to all of your queries. my initial reaction was a little bit of sadness. as the three days go individually, wednesday was a struggle, thursday was wonderful and friday was a little bit of a relief. when saturday morning arrived, and i knew that my and hannah's "alone time" was coming to a close, i guess i felt a feeling of accomplishment. a feeling of, "yeah, i can do this." and it felt good. nothing burned to the ground. we didn't break anything. we went to bed happy every night. i got a lot of hugs and kisses and i didn't have to share them. it was an experience that i will always cherish and remember fondly...yes, ma'am, on the left..."

you mentioned wednesday being a struggle. can you tell us why?

"sure. sure. wednesday was a struggle, but it wasn't as much hannah being difficult as the circumstances at home proved annoying. i came home and wanted to work out, but i was met when i came in the door with cat blood and cat vomit everywhere along with a pool of cat pee in the workout room. those factors, in and of themselves, would have thrown me off, but those in combination with hannah's usual post-schoolday needs and wants just made for a very frustrating afternoon. the evening seemed to be taking a turn for the better as we headed to mcdonald's for dinner, but that came to a screeching halt when hannah wet herself in the mcdonald's playground. after driving a naked hannah home and getting her a bath, we settled in for bed. from this point forward, the three days could not have run any smoother."

what sort of changes to your daily routine did you notice while sarah was away?

"well, for one my work schedule changed. since last tuesday, i've worked six of seven days and every one of those shifts involved opening the store. it may be silly that i've thought about this as much as i have, but i do know one thing. if i had a day job, a 9-5, my love affair with the internet and, thus, this blog, would end. i know this for a fact. every day coming home from work, there were just too many things to take care of for and about hannah. after she went to bed, i didn't have the motivation to turn the computer on, much less blog or surf about for an hour or so. i guess one thing a retail schedule has allowed me is more "me" time than i had led myself to believe i truly had. i won't take that time for granted as much as i might have prior to last week."

would you want to do this again?

"that one is easy. no. not in the least. i am comfortable with the knowledge that i "could" or "can" do it again, but if sarah and i were never apart for another day, i think i would be ok with that. one of the great things about marriage is that everything you do, you do as a team. does that mean i cook? no. does that mean sarah cleans the cat pan? no. but when one of us is taking care of something around the house or even away from the house, it's always the two of us that are taking care of hannah. maybe not even always in body. but in spirit, there is something very encouraging and empowering about knowing someone has your back. knowing that by the end of the day, the calvary is going to arrive. i will never take that feeling for granted anymore either. hopefully, the times from this point going forward that sarah or i have to leave the other to go out of town for any longer than a day will be very few and very far between."

any regrets on how you and hannah spent your time?

"nope. none, other than me not making her use the bathroom at mcdonald's before she started to play. we had fun with amy and katie thursday and we had plenty of time on the couch just kicking it. i am satisfied."

any last words? final thoughts?

well, i'll just take a second to thank all of those that made those three days possible. sarah for leaving and having enough faith in me to not have someone "drop by" to check up on us every evening. hannah for pretending like she didn't miss her mommy enough to bring it up every hour. i'd like to thank the academy. and god. without him, i would not have been able to catch that pass and get into the endzone and show those bunch of pagans on the other side of the field that when god is for you, let no man put asunder. or something like that...

good night."

my life as a single-dad for three days
(the preview)
((back to the future, part me))


most of you know that i am married to a beautiful mom of about-to-be two girls named sarah. sarah gets shout-outs from time to time on TWALBTMLE, but i haven't started a series as of yet called sarah and me. there are a number of reasons for this. mainly, my inspiration for starting this journal was to put down in words thoughts in my head that chronicled things that i felt like were important before hannah was old enough for me to say these thoughts out loud to her. so, as has been the case for the majority of my entries, i write with hannah in mind. what do i want her to know? how does something affect her because it affected me? why does daddy have crushes on other men? things of that nature. it's not that sarah is not on my mind or that i don't think i could write something entertaining or endearing about sarah. it's more that i hope(d) that if something was on my mind, we as two grown adults could just, well...you know, talk about it.

well, "talking about it", a lot of the times, is not my greatest strength. the longer i have kept up with the blog the more i realize this. if someone were to challenge me in a death match of coping tactics such as avoidance or internalization, i would kick their ass and then lead them into a big pile of manure like i was marty and they were biff. when it comes to saying what's on my heart and mind, though, i am a lot closer to george mcfly than marty. but that's where sarah comes in to the picture. in my life, sarah is my lorraine. she's very smart. very pretty. and a lot more sure of me, most of the time, than i am of myself. she's patient and she's kind. and then she's more patient. she takes care of me when i deserve it and when i don't. and she doesn't yell at me when she should (like when i left the door to hannah's room open yesterday and punkin bled all over her blanket and floor). she allows me to play my sports. she listens to me talk about my sports. and she's even pretended to like the braves and falcons and other teams i cheer for so we can do it together. and then she's more patient.

unfortunately, tomorrow, she's leaving. not for good, thank god, but for a few days, hannah and i will be left to fend for ourselves (god help hannah). i am not too anxious, but i bet sarah is. she won't tell me, but i am fairly sure she expects something to break or burn down while she's gone, and she might be right. even if it does, though, she probably won't yell.

and so, beginning tomorrow, i'll be a single dad (in body only). we'll see how it goes. i've already admitted to not cooking, so i am thinking of dinner at mcdonald's, taco bell, and chick-fil-a should suffice for the first three days. right? that sounds good. we are going to have a blast and too much trans-fat, but it'll be an adventure.

do you remember when i went to huntsville? voluntarily? and didn't make it home for days at a time? sarah told me to do it (or she said it was cool). she knew that i needed to and that we would get along. that she could do the single mom thing for a little bit while i found myself. the farther removed i am from that experience, the more it defines how good of a girl sarah is. hannah and i will be ok without her, but i am very glad it's only for a few days.

i love you lorraine, calvin klein

caroline and me, part one
(hannah and me, part twenty-four)
((it's a girl!))


so, you are a girl, huh? i think i had in my mind all along that you were a girl. i don't really know why, but i think i did. maybe having that in mind made the news today feel different than when we found out hannah was a girl. not that i was disappointed in the least to discover that our first child would be a girl, but i think it's a very typical "boy" want for a dad to have a son. to mold the son into a better version of him. to teach him how to throw, kick and catch. to scratch and spit. to cuss. to mold him into a ballplayer of some sort. to coach him. train him. alienate him because i am living vicariously through him. make up just in time with him to take in a couple of college championships and then reap the rewards of that first big professional league contract. all of those images were just too much not to dwell on to some degree the first time. i think it's just a "boy" thing to want a boy. but then along came hannah...

and hannah changed everything. hannah paved and is paving the way for you, caroline, as we speak. i didn't really know how to be a dad to a girl, but i think i am figuring it out. i am figuring it out and hopefully some of that enlightenment can translate into fewer bumps and bruises, figuratively (...ok, maybe some literal bumps and bruises), than hannah has had to live through. you'll reap the rewards of my and your mommy's wisdom in all sorts of ways. and so, today, on this your day of gender-awareness, i will introduce you to a few things that you can expect from your daddy and mommy of two girls and the home you will be born into.

1) first off, you have a wonderful mommy. she loves you more than anything already, and she'll love you even more when you get here. we now have experience with the whole "my heart just got bigger" feeling after a child is born, and we can't wait to experience that again because of you. she's a good cook. she works very hard. and she's very patient with your daddy. she cries sometimes for very not-obvious reasons, but give her time. she'll explain herself. she'll probably cry a lot with you after you are born, but they will be happy tears. you'll have to just trust me on this. as mommies go, you could do a lot, lot worse.

2) you have a big sister. her name is hannah. she is my first baby girl and is the most wonderful gift i have ever been presented with. that is, until you make it here. she's a little rowdy and can be downright emotional at times (i do not yet know if this comes from mommy or if it is, according to the rumor, all girls.) but she will be the most wonderful big sister to you. she has been practicing with our kitties. mostly with spud. she will have to be more careful with you than she is with spud. poor spud. but if her interaction with her cousin emma is any indication, she is going to take very good care of you.

3) you will have two kitties when you come home (we'll save the punkin obituary for another post. she's still with us, but we got confirmation yesterday that her time is short.) the big one is spud. the little annoying one is softball. they will make you laugh. hannah is crafting a house adaptation of the movie shrek 2(which you'll see) as we speak with spud in the role of puss'n'boots and softball playing donkey. it's going to be awesome.

4) you will have a puppy that you won't see much when you first come home. when the weather gets colder, we'll introduce you to her. her name is KAMmie. she is very sweet.

5) of course, you will also have a daddy. i am him. he is me. daddy is silly i am told, but daddy, too, already loves you very much. i've also been told that hannah has me wrapped around her finger, which is true. she and i get along famously. but hannah is very good at sharing. and i am thinking that she will let you have part of me to wrap around your finger too. if you would allow me that, i would be honored. i don't cook and i cuss (and those are two of my better traits) but i've figured out something very important...

i know how to love someone. in every sense of the word. and caroline, i promise you this. i will love you like nobody's business. in every sense of the word.

i'll be honest. some of those "boy" images flashed through my mind again this morning. but i've packed them away. somewhere in the back of my mind. whether or not they ever come to fruition is far less important today than is the fact that i know caroline (somethingorother) o'kelley is growing in mommy's belly. how lucky i am. i can't wait to see you. i can't wait for mommy and hannah to see you. we are going to make a pretty good team.

i promise.

"you look different"
(et cetera)

over the last two days, i have had more than ten people tell me that "something about you is different." it's tickled me to no end, because i can't really figure out if the comment is just small talk or if the person making the comment is genuinely perplexed because something has changed with my appearance. i want to just snap back, "it's the shit in my hair, people!!!", but that would be rude and unnecessary. especially if the comment is more than just small talk. it's funny, though, putting "product" in my hair reminds me of why i have been shaving it for close to five years now. because "fixing" my hair, even if it only takes, like, an extra thirty seconds, is a pain in the ass that you don't have to deal with when you have no hair. and so, as cool as getting a haircut was and is, i don't know if the shears won't make an appearance sooner rather than later. i am sure this little rant is of tremendous interest to you, dear reader, but i am glad i am not a girl for so, so many reasons. "fixing" my hair falls on the the list somewhere below "pregnancy", "make-up" and "time of the month".

a quick punkin update. she seems like herself. still no word from the vet as of lunchtime today. she has a hard time eating and drinking it seems and sleeps all the time, but that second point just makes her a cat, not a sick cat. i'll keep updating...

i'll join the throng of the amazed as far as the turnout for the alabama spring game is concerned. you can't really sell me that this game was "meaningless", because if you believe that, you are stupid. i mean, it was the first time new systems on offense and defense were open to the public. but having to turn away folks from a glorified game of two-hand touch is just cool. i hope the excitement can last through the first loss of next season, which is going to come sometime in september. we'll see.

of my many man-crushes, tim hudson is making me most proud these days. if you put a gun to my head right now and told me i had to pick one man that i would hold hands with, it would be tim hudson. the braves have taken 4 of 6 from the mets so far and are still in first place with ten percent of the season behind us. tomorrow, chipper jones will break his ankle putting on his shoe.

why have you not heard anything about softball here yet? because we haven't freaking started!!! it looks like we are good to go for tomorrow. just checked weather.com, and it informed me that it is going to storm tomorrow. no, really. this isn't like the chipper jones comment above. it's real. mother nature hates our softball team.

four days and counting 'til hannah knows if she'll have a brother or a sister. wow. i'll unveil the news to as many of you as i have e-mail addresses for as soon as i get home friday morning.

and other things.

be careful what you wish for
(hannah and me, part twenty-three)


for going on i can't remember how long, i've wished out loud to anyone that may visit the house or listen if it's on my mind for one thing. to be rid of the three cats that currently share our home with us. it's not as much that spud refuses to get his lazy ass up and get a job. or that softball won't clean the catpan. or that punkin absolutely will not do laundry even if i threaten to withhold food and water. it's not really any of that. it's the hair. the freaking cat hair. it's everywhere. and most folks that have heard me rant against the cats know that in the same breath that i wish for them to be gone, i will make it a point to say that it's not the cats that i loathe but the sitting down anywhere in the house (other than my and sarah's bedroom...the only cat hair-free zone) followed by getting up with a layer of fur attached. cats make good companions i suppose. they are fairly low maintenance. they eat, sleep and poop, but save for food and fresh litter, they are really no financial burden at all. with cats, even ours, outside of the hair there aren't many worries.

that is, until now.

punkin is sick. punkin is the oldest of our kitties. she's been with me for somewhere over ten years now. i can't really remember exactly how old she is, but i know she's lived in four different houses/apartments with me if i am counting correctly. we noticed over the last couple of weeks little drops of blood on the floor in the kitchen every couple of days and wondered if one of the cats had scratched themselves and were bleeding here and there. it wasn't 'til wednesday, that we found a key (and gross) piece of evidence along with blood on punkin's mouth that we knew something major may be wrong. we took punkin in to see the vet yesterday morning and received the news yesterday afternoon that she probably had kitty cancer. a lump in her mouth that it looks like will be confirmed as a cancerous tumor early next week. long story short, the prognosis isn't good. any procedure to remove the tumor (considering where it's located) could seriously alter her quality of life and even with (expensive) surgery followed by (even more expensive) kitty chemo, there is no guarantee that punkin would live much longer.

and so it's a sad day and will be a sad weekend at the o'kelley's as we contemplate what our plan will be for punkin's final days. i am most sad for hannah, though, for a couple reasons. one, the older she gets, the more attached she is getting to all her pets. and two, only in the last few months have she and punkin seemed to bond (notice the pictures of the two of them napping with spud on her website). she couldn't wait to pick her up from the doctor today and bring her home. at this point, i have zero idea how in the world we are going to tell her that punkin may not be living with us for much longer. i am glad i have sarah to help me with this. if it were up to me, i would just have to lie.

"daddy, where's punkin?"
"she left, sweetheart."
"she left? where did she go?"
"um. she left to go live with brian...in florida...at the beach. yeah, she went to the beach. like us."
"punkin went to the beach?"
"yep."
"is she coming back."
"..."
"when is punkin coming back, daddy?"
"you wanna go to mcdonald's?"

i don't know if working at a pet store has made me any more sympathetic to something like the loss of a pet. i've always appreciated how pleasant a pet around the house can be. but i also know, in the grand scheme of things, they are just a pet. a member of the family for sure. but i don't know how long i will actually grieve for punkin when we no longer have her around anymore. i don't want to sound callous. maybe some of the stuff that i've had going on in my head the last few months won't allow me to place too much weight into losing a furry friend. but i am very sad for hannah. she's not old enough for a life and death talk. i can't explain degrees of loss to her.

i can just tell her that punkin loved her very much. because she would show her attention. and let her take naps on the couch with her when daddy would push her away. i can let her enjoy what time we have left with punkin and hope that she's old enough to store fond memories of her to recollect many years later.

oh, punkin.

reconnecting


wow. to be quite honest, it didn't take that long to catch up on everything i "missed" while we were away at the beach this weekend. i still had espn in my room, so the sports part was covered. "unplugging" from the world was nice in a way. waking up and not worrying about e-mails or work was refreshing. i got a good bit of sleep each night and so for the most part, i have no complaints with the last few days. sure, saturday had plenty of awkward moments, the moments that i prepared myself for before leaving. friday, though, hardly had any. friday was just a nice family-filled day (mostly at the pool since hannah was not a huge fan of the ocean) capped off with a very nice dinner and way too much wine. good times to be sure. good enough that it whet our appetite to find a long weekend sometime this summer to take a real "family" vacation. so if for none other than that reason, the weekend away was a success. here's to getting back to the beach soon.

i talked with chris hicks (my oldest friend and best man in my wedding) for as long yesterday afternoon as we had in months. most of the conversation centered around my being around his daughter this weekend. unfortunately for me (but moreso for his daughter), i was also around the guy that is currently dating chris' ex-wife. he seems like a nice enough guy. he's older than us. i am not sure if he'd know the difference between a baseball and a basketball, but i don't say that to knock him as much as i say it to relay that we don't have a whole lot in common. he's divorced too. he has a 13 year-old daughter. if i read the indications correctly, he's about to have a 3 year-old stepdaughter in the not too distant future. which leads me back to chris. when he and his wife were struggling at the tail-end of their relationship, we swore to each other that whatever happened, our friendship was so tried and true that we would stay close. things would be different after the divorce for sure. there would be no more built-in excuses to see each other at their house for dinner or i wouldn't be going over while the girls were out to play playstation. but we had been there for each other for so long and through so much, that this decision was bound to be just another bump in the road. just like us going to different high schools. taking different paths through college. him seeing me through my own parents divorce and it's repercussions. my seeing him through his brothers problems and jail time. it would be a bump for sure, but one that we'd hop over together.

much like any relationship i suppose, it takes two to tango. and i have to admit, my part in the dance lacked just as much as chris'. he went absolutely frat-tastic in his way of life. "living a dream" that he had given up a long time ago. there was always that side of chris. he just kept in in check. or i did. or his parents or significant other did. who knows. the "dream" he was living, though, and the life that i continued to lead just didn't jive. for better or for worse, we didn't and don't talk as much as we used to and hardly ever hang out.

i read a blog this morning that conveyed thoughts that i have heard before. about how sometimes with friends, we just grow apart, and i am sure there is something to be said for that. but i think history and perspective also would tell us that there are some friends that we had or have that we never truly loved. i think if you love someone, you don't ever, and i mean EVER, give up hope that if the relationship has fallen into a valley that you can somehow climb up the other side.

i'll tie this up by saying this. saturday wasn't really uncomfortable. but i found myself, time and time again, feeling really bad for chris that some other dude was taking care of and loving on savannah. and when i got home, i wanted to call him and tell him that. i wanted to tell him that, despite his fault in his marriage gone wrong, that i was on his side. that i wouldn't be having dinner or playing playstation with his replacement any time soon.

there are friends. and there are family. and then there friends and family that you fight for. no matter how disconnected you've become. no matter how much time has passed. no matter how wrong you may think they are/were. i consider myself very lucky that i have a number of people in my life that fall into this category. most of them know who they are only because i won't leave them the hell alone.

reconnecting.

out of sight, out of mind


starting this afternoon, i will be out of touch with the internet world for three days. yikes. i certainly have grown to love my internet, my e-mail, my blog, my daily "must reads". but alas, i will be leaving these things for a weekend at the beach that, as of this morning, i feel kind of weird about. it's not the beach part that feels off. it's the fact that one of our roommates will be the guy that is dating my best man's ex-wife. i wish i could tell you that my attitude about this happenstance is good, but it's not. what will i say? what in the world might we talk about? do i even want to talk to him? i don't know. who the hell knows. and absolutely not.

i am good at putting on a nice face even when i am uncomfortable (one of the things i inherited from my father.). and i have a feeling that this weekend "getaway" will have more than it's share of uncomfortable moments.

but, it could be worse. i could be holed up with the guy in birmingham. or kalamazoo with elvis. or in a room with all of don imus' corporate sponsors. but i am not. i'll be with sarah and a hannah that is incredibly excited about being "at da beach". so, that will be fun. with mommy tied up with wedding stuff all weekend, i think the baby girl and i will have a lot of fun finding ways not to be around bizarro chris hicks.

sayonara, internet. see ya monday.

to know or not know your audience
(deciding to go left, right or straight at the crossroads of holy week services)


i cannot condemn anyone on this, because i have been just as guilty as the next worship leader. emphasizing the "passion" of jesus so hard during holy week that i kind of felt bad about myself if i didn't make at least one person cry out of sheer will. jesus dying for us is a hard concept to deal with anyway. any person, let alone jesus, being faux-tried, beaten and crucified even though he did nothing wrong is an incredibly hard pill to swallow. and when you are telling the story to a congregation of any size the first time (or the second or the third or the fourth...), you want to make sure that the congregation feels the IMMENSE WEIGHT of jesus' experience. you can do this any number of ways. you can ridicule the congregation for wanting to "skip right to easter". you can make many, many dramatic pauses. you can dance around in mime. you can turn off the lights. you can play a mel gibson movie. among who knows how many other things. but what do you do when the audience knows the story already? what do you do when the audience has already grieved for jesus at last year's funeral? is it really fair for you to chastise their love for their god because the experience of holy week is different this year? because they aren't loosing grasp of their emotions and crying uncontrollably at the reading or hearing of the story as documented in scripture?

i've had a difficult time with these thoughts this year and in past years. i remember hearing (second hand, of course) that a young person and their parent didn't agree with having a lock-in after the good friday service a couple years ago. they didn't agree that it was time for us to start "the celebration of life" part yet. it was "too soon". and i respected those thoughts. i truly did. i just didn't agree. the best memorials (to me) are the ones that understand and acknowledge the impact of the person we are grieving and celebrate that impact. can i not be sad? of course you/i can. i am sad every time i think of my lost grandparents, but i celebrate their memory now. i don't grieve it on the anniversary of their passing every single year.

the same idea can be applied to easter morning services. i'll admit my expectations were low (having heard the preacher a couple times before) yesterday, but i will say that i was looking to be inspired yesterday morning. but what was presented was a retelling of the first easter morning experience. and while i appreciated the retelling, i wasn't inspired in the least. i knew that story too. i wanted more.

so, what are worship leaders to do? do you prepare for the "easter only's" and preach on easter morning to the folks that pack your sanctuary once, maybe twice a year? should pastors use their super-serious voices and pick emotional people to read scripture on good friday? or in both cases, are there "outside the box" ways to put a new spin on a very familiar story. i would argue the latter. i definitely wish for that.

i don't want to be jaded towards holy week and easter morning. lord knows, literally, that my convictions and beliefs tell me that easter is and should be the most holy of any day on the calendar. but i also have no interest in being ridiculed about wanting to "skip to easter" when that is exactly what i want to do. it's not that i am want to gloss over jesus' sacrifice. it's that i get it. and i've mourned it. and i do remember and appreciate it. but i want to be inspired. and i don't want to feel like i am back in third grade sunday school.

from experience, i know how hard it is to walk the line between creative and traditional. i hope it's not bad to hope and wish for more of the former and less of the latter.

but i do.

shave and a haircut


when faced with trials in your life, what do you do? when someone calls into question your work ethic and the question is 100 percent valid, how will you respond? when you fail to show respect for your co-workers by not pulling your load, what will be your next step?

i pondered these questions in the few minutes that it took to get a haircut yesterday. this haircut was my first in i cannot remember how many years. i can't really explain why i chose to get a haircut instead of going upstairs, pulling out my clippers and my one guard and just taking it all off like i've done once a month for just this side of forever. it wasn't a decision i made after any real reflection and in the grand scheme of things the decision will be moot and the hair will be back in a couple weeks. it was an interesting experience nonetheless. hannah was with me and sat politely and quietly as the lady took her shears to my head. hannah was probably fascinated for this was the first time in her life that she had seen anyone other than daddy or mommy take shears to my head. the lady commented several times about hannah, but i had trouble concentrating. not that i didn't want to talk about hannah, i just couldn't get the above questions out of my head.

in different but so many words, the lady and third manager (of three) at the store was asked these questions. her response? she threatened to quit.

"how about that?" i thought to myself. in the face of adversity and discomfort all brought upon her by her own actions (or lack thereof), she chose the easy way out. there was no owning up to her culpability. there was no sure-fire acknowledgement of her laziness followed by a vow to do better. she just moped and said that she wanted to quit. my thought process after hearing this was two-fold. my first? "HELL YEAH!!!" finally, some dead weight dropped from the sinking ship that is our staff. granted, the dead weight would not be forced to walk the plank. it was more that she had just tripped over a rope on the deck and fell over, but it was a small victory nonetheless. my second? "shit." if she quits, i am going to have a really hard time getting away to the beach next weekend. not that i really am worried about that. she was bluffing. hard. asking for sympathy in the passive-aggressive way that everything out of my control is handled at the store. if it were up to me, i would have called her hand so hard that you would have thought that i was holding pocket aces and the river just turned over the other two. (how about that poker reference, huh? stupid poker. the only con to having espn.) but it's not up to me fully. i can voice my displeasure to anyone that will listen, but the "resignation" would have to be accepted by the market director. and by market director i mean king of the passive aggressive army that is pet supplies "plus" as i know it.

i know this all sounds silly. i don't want to be a whiner. i still like my job for the most part. i like most of the staff all of the time and all of the staff some of the time. i do wish joseph and beandon and dustin and april were still around to lighten things up. i do like my job. i just wish i could make it better. maybe sooner rather than later. who knows.

i guess i bring this up here because easter sunday is a couple days away and we'll all hear about the renewal and new hope that i wrote about tuesday all weekend long. i hope that those of us that hear the good news can hang onto it for longer than through lunchtime on sunday (sorry to go all rick owen on you.). i do hope that i and we can hear it and know that it's ok to want things to be better. in our life. at our job. and striving for that "better". we don't have to be conniving. we don't have to step on toes. we just have to call a spade a spade. if something's not working out, then just change it. if something's in the way of you/us being truly happy and able to live out a more meaningful life for our god, then remove it. those of you that know me know that i am all about second chances, but when second chances become tenth and fiftieth and hundredth chances and nothing has gotten any better, well, you've done all you can do.

god so loved us that he sent jesus to help us be better. not to be content with our belief in his sacrifice and wallow in mediocrity. not to hold tight to our comfort zones and allow "it is what it is" to be our life motto. he gave us reason and the ultimate second chance to be better. to be happy. to move on from something we aren't good at or that isn't working out to something fulfilling.

we'll see how that works out for us (me) this year.

spring is here
(hannah and me, part twenty-two)


there is something very beautiful about opening day in major league baseball. this fact has been presented in thousands of beautiful and articulate ways that i won't try and mirror or flat out plagiarize here, but with baseball, more than any other sport, opening day brings with it a sense of hope. it doesn't matter how poorly your team performed the year prior (and the braves sucked it up). it doesn't matter if the "experts" predict that you'll finish in first or in last, because if you are a true fan, you can rationalize many conceivable ways that this could be "the year" for your team. i've enjoyed observing from afar the perennially lousy kansas city royals nation attach it's hopes to a 23 year-old third baseman. i enjoyed even more seeing those royals steal the collective breath from the 160 million dollar red sox yesterday. how expectations can change with just one game. "what if the sawx lose every game curt schilling pitches???" that would suck for them as a team. even worse for their fans that have dreamed of their second world series in four years and have pinned their respective tail to a japanese donkey that has never pitched in a major league game. good luck with that. my braves, on the other hand? well, they are 1-0 with a shortstop on pace to hit 324 home runs this season. that is what's great about opening day. everything is exaggerated. everything seems bigger. everything seems more important. everything seems new. filled with hope. filled with wonderful expectations that will only be met for one team's group of fans come october, but expectations that all fans are able to share for one day.

which, naturally, brings me to hannah. the last couple of days have been a little rough around the edges. there have been several reminders that for whatever reason, good or bad...deserved or not, my parents are not what i wish them to be. to be fair, i have to believe that they could throw the same sentiment back at me if they wanted. "why don't you call?" "boy, i wish i saw hannah more." "i sure wish you were as super cool as ken and angel." it's tough to take some days. tougher still on others. never easy. but that's the bed we've all gotten ourselves into. i wish for my relationships with both of them to be like sarah's and marie's. i wish, sometimes, for just a hint of a "normal" family. but those wishes are fleeting. i am more grounded in reality now than i used to be, and most days that it is a good thing. most days that keeps me from wishing.

another thing that keeps me from dwelling on things that make me unhappy is my baby girl. i know she does the same for her mommy. it's hard as a married couple, when it's convenient to take out the ills of your day on your spouse to always be as loving and full of support as your significant other might need. but all we have to do is find hannah. and she smiles at us. or wrestles spud to the ground. or puts her hands on her hips and shakes her booty. or gives us hugs and kisses. or tells us that she loves us "thiiiiiiiissssssss much". everything about her is exaggerated. everything about her seems bigger and better than the sum of the parts of an otherwise "long day." everything seems more important because it is more important. and everything about her is new. and filled with hope. even in her daily routines, something changes to keep those routines fresh and us on our toes. something as simple as walking to the car or up to bed can be the lasting image of the day.

opening day is great. and so are the undefeated braves (at least for one more day). a little dose of hannah is better.

hannah, you're the bomb.

if second place is the first loser, then is it bad that i am hoping for the bronze?


and so it goes. my hopes for back-to-back pool wins, for three out of four, for my own little bracket dynasty are no more. following the results of this weekend, the best i can now hope for is third place. the silver lining remains, of course, that the basketball will kick serious butt on saturday and hopefully monday (the one game i should actually be able to sit down and watch). but so far as my pool goes, the leader and kiker are out of reach. the best i can hope for is a jump from sixth to third. i wish i could realistically look back and say that if only kansas had taken care of business, i would still be right in it. but i can't. because in that same thought process, two other images pop up. the first? if some guy from xavier hit his last free throw, ohio st. would be out too. the second? if jeff green was called for a travel, there's another final four pick flushed and i would be sitting with florida as my lone representative. so, with the way things have gone this year, between third and sixth is probably right about where i should end up.

i can't say the brackets have been a complete washout (pun intended for the one person that will get it). it looks like i am going to take the home bracket wager and get out of doing the laundry for a week. i'll enjoy that. and so, as far as my journal goes, i bid farewell to the ncaa tournament. 'twas fun. see ya next year.

one sports related snippet. did anyone else catch my own personal us soccer pariah landon donovan score three goals (all world class) this weekend? wow. go get 'em, tiger. string a few games like that together and wear the sweet new uniforms more often and i might just take you off my shit list.

so, you're telling me the nice guy that painted my house is a douchebag?
(if by douchebag, you mean a backstabbing, self-serving dick? yes.)
((this will probably turn "r" rated))


hopewell, mother-scratching baptist church. church number two (behind my own) that has fueled my venom over the lifespan of this journal. it's an easy target, but not for obvious reasons (that it's baptist). it's an easy target because, like huffman, i have information about the inner workings of hopewell baptist church. the policies. the politics. the characters that make up the staff. the wonderful youth and college-age that i've been lucky enough to be around. my source, of course, is andy. my dear friend that played a huge role in my ever considering my own church staff position. andy was on staff at hopewell for almost five years. over the course of many a dreamland lunch did we, along with kiker, discuss and dissect what it was that frustrated each of us with church in general or specifically.

hopewell baptist church started it's turn toward the dark side in my eyes a couple years back. it was around this time that the pastor of this church, responding to "concerns" (loyal readers know how much i love "concerns") from the congregation, shut down andy's basketball ministry. this was a ministry that invited the league i commissioned into it's gym and made for marvelous theater when we played our church basketball league championships on it's floor. because of the success of the basketball ministry, though, andy started seeing an influx in young people that came to the gym for pick-up nights. some of these young people being black may or may not have been the catalyst for the "concerns". not long after the "concerns" were raised, andy's youth pick-up nights were abolished and soon thereafter the gym was closed to anyone that did not have a direct connection (read: was a member of) to hopewell baptist church.

soon after this, andy and his group held a rock concert on hopewell's campus, which also caused an influx of young people and also caused "concerns". needless to say, no more rock concerts.

the last couple years have been littered with frustrations for andy and his family. you see, andy is baptist in name only, and his theology differed from his senior pastor in many ways and his children's pastor in every way save the idea that jesus was lord and savior to them both (you would think that this minute detail would be a simple enough thread that the three could work together. or that it was a simple enough idea to hold any church together. or any two christians. but if you think that, you are wrong.). andy knew that his time at hopewell was coming to an end. it was becoming too hard to swim upstream, but he struggled through the hard times because he loved the young persons that he ministered to.

but then, the shit hit the fan. sticks and stones may break bones, but words always do more damage. word began to circulate that the senior pastor at hopewell may or may not dally in what we call "a love for the naked ladies". that the word came from inside the pastor's home should mark that piece of evidence as fairly credible, but that has become a tangential issue altogether. (listen, we all have our vices. one man may have espn. the other may have playboy. who am i to judge? i could give a shit.) the word circulating scares the pastor. the pastor sees it necessary that his "tracks" (yuck) need to be covered and starts phoning around his congregation that the word circulating is completely false. that he has no idea where it came from. no, wait he does. and that person is andy's wife. andy's wife is telling people the word. and the word is lies. she's a liar. and she's married to andy. so, that must mean andy's a liar. and his kids are liars. and we won't stand for having liars (or black people. or gay people.) on our staff. hell, we won't stand for having liars (or black people. or gay people.) in our church. so, get the fuck out, andy and april and your kids. get the fuck out and don't come back. oh, and don't worry about coming and telling the group good-bye. i'll tell them for you. i'll tell them that you are liars and that we can't have liars (or black people. or gay people.) in our church or ministering our young people. so, get the fuck out and good riddance.

andy is fired.

"excuse me, sir. will you tell the young people about your porn?"
"i don't know who told you about that, probably those rickles, but it was a LIE!!!!"
"a quick follow-up. so, you do not lie, pastor?"
"may god, himself, strike me dead if i do."

(the imaginary thud i just heard in my head was the guy that painted my house keeling over and hitting the floor. dead. because he does lie. and, shit, he gave god permission.)

pastors in churches (maybe especially in small baptist churches. maybe not) get too much credit. sure, they should be held to a higher standard, but it doesn't mean they always can reach the bar. should hopewell think less of their pastor if he likes looking at women? probably not. should they think less of him because instead of attacking an issue like a man he chose to slander a staff member and his wife (both members of his church)? definitely. what will come of hopewell? who knows. i will pray for the members of the church. i will pray for the senior pastor. i will pray for the young people that may or may not maintain contact with their youth pastor because of this. outside of that, though, i could give a shit. hopewell now becomes one of any number of churches with problems and secrets and "concerns" that i won't think about anymore, because it is unhealthy for my personal walk for me to do so. so long, hopewell. good luck.

in andy's case, he is in a better place now. he isn't on staff with a lying, fair-to-middling painter, pornhound of a senior pastor. he can start fresh. maybe not on the timetable he would want, but it'll work out, because andy and april are good people. and good things happen to good people. sometimes, shitty things do too, but it will work itself out.

andy and i talked today about what a shame it is that the definition of a church has become so perverted in our heads that we weren't sure that we wanted to be a part of one anymore. that we should just start something on our own. a haven for christ-followers that isn't called church. maybe blurch. or something cool, like stridex. our blurch motto would be something like, "come to stridex. where jesus will wipe away your sins." yeah, that'd be cool.

bill evans, you are a dick. i don't like you because you shit on my friend. and his wife. and their family. and the youth of your church.

i am ashamed that sarah and i paid you to paint our house.

i hope it was worth it.

and that, my friends, is why i am not a betting man


after realizing that the duke loss was just the tip of the iceberg of failure, i figured i would just wait to update until the carnage that was the first four days of the ncaa tourney gave way to monday and a day of contemplation. the way things have played out seems quite odd. with only a couple exceptions, goliath has beaten down david. not only has david been beaten, but goliath took his big stick and shoved it up david's (shut yo' mouth!!!)

as far as my pool goes, i am losing to everyone bar one, but i am trying to keep my eyes on the prize. i wrote last week that you want to win the pool, not the first weekend and i stick to that. that there are 14 brackets in front of me, 3 of them belonging to freaking girls, leaves me with less confidence than i had, say, this time last year. if the remaining four rounds play out in my favor, though, i could still be talking dynasty. we'll hold off on that for now.

the silver lining in the cloud is this. without any "cinderellas" to speak of (no. butler, southern illinois nor unlv count. all three ended the season in the top 25), the basketball this coming weekend should be out of this world. i hate that i'll be working or playing softball (i really don't hate that part) during most of the games, but the tv in the office will be tuned to cbs.

i've had to turn the talk radio off today, because you can only listen to so many morons calling in and giving their utterly idiotic reasons as to how they just "knew" that kevin durant was overrated. overrated??? he scored 30 in their loss!!! i would still pick texas over usc every day of the week and twice on sunday. hell, i would still pick kevin durant, me, andy, kiker and sarah over usc every day of the week. maybe just once on sunday, though.

so, i lick my wounds and change my expectations. that's ok. i really like basketball. still two weekends to go before focusing all my attention on the nba and the suns.

did i mention softball starts this weekend?