opinions are like senior pastors at united methodist churches
(every"body" has one)
((and maybe that's the problem))


here is this blog's dirty little secret. if there are children listening right now, you may want to turn down the radio. ok. are we ready? good. most of what you read on hannah and caroline and (kevin) is...shhh...opinion.

on top of that? a lot of my opinions are based on...shhh...second-hand information. sometimes third-hand. sometimes, fourth. sometimes, more than that. sometimes, way more than that. all of it depends. all of the inspiration is relative. now, there are those of you that understand that. there are also those and will continue to be those (i hope) that are new to this particular fold. they might not get it at first. they will read a post. they might be offended. they might think it's stupid (they'd probably be right). they might think it's worth their time (it's not.) but those are the facts. these are my opinions. by definition, they "rest on ground insufficient to produce complete certainty." and i am cool with that. are you? from time to time, it's healthy to remind "you" of this, what should be common sense. from time to time, it's healthy to remind me of the same. no use getting all bent out of shape over one person's opinion, right? you may agree with them. you may not. if you don't, keep this in mind. you can add or subtract from the "point" of certain posts here. in fact, i love it when you do. you can even tell me what passage of scripture you think would help me work through my and that post's issues. but don't be bothered. why? don't you have enough to worry about? than my opinion? who am i? i am nobody. i am everybody. and everyone has one. take a deep breath.

opinions. "that's what makes the world go round." (sing to the melody in disney's sword in the stone.) one of my favorite tv shows, pardon the interruption, thrives because you are either a fan of tony's opinion or wilbon's opinion. or you are making your mind up while you are listening to them. are you for the bailout? are you against the bailout? mccain? obama? alabama? auburn? coffee? coke? meth? or heroin? hispanics? no hispanics? organization? chaos? where do you fall? what do you think? why do you hate me? who do you love? why? why? why?

as i've spoken thousands of times before here, the "why" is what's important. and it's always the "why" that gets us in trouble. because my way is not your way. and usually, it's your (my) way or the highway, right?

"this is not the right forum". why? because you (i) said so. don't vent in e-mails. speak face to face. "you should come to me." why? because you (i) said so. in your opinion, that's the way it should be handled. romans 12 doesn't address internet ethics. i can't find a passage that does. but we can make it say what we need it to say. so can i. because i am right and you are wrong.

we are all ridiculous.

i love hearing from readers. i love talking to them. knowing that they care. knowing that some of what is important to me is important, on some level, to someone else, even if you don't agree with me completely.

to those of you that i have absolutely lost with all of this rambling, i am reflecting on this. last week, a "concerned" (you know how i love that word) member of our congregation at humc sent out an e-mail expressing her opinion on certain subjects in the church. these subjects included the church's leadership (or lack thereof), the structure (or lack thereof) and the lack of transparency that she felt, in her opinion, could use improvement. well, people went apeshit. why? because they didn't agree with her opinion. they didn't feel that she knew what the crap she was talking about. and thus began hurricane internet. nevermind "why" she felt the way she did. nevermind that she is following, in the best way she knows how, the same christian guidelines as we all are (for those of us that are). she must have been wrong, because she did it in a way that "they" would not have. who cares about the "why"? someone must be wrong. "inflammatory". "insensitive". "disrespectful". blah-by, blah, blah, blah.

church people can be silly sometimes, right chris (perry)?

if you want to be catholic, do it. if you need someone to speak to god for you, cool. i don't judge you. in my opinion, i don't see it that way. i am methodist. i am serious about it. i have it blazed (literally and figuratively) on my person. and i believe that "you" and i are on level footing. you share with me. i'll share with you. but your thoughts, your opinions, the way you interpret scripture, the way you go to church, the way you see fit, the way you think is right...they don't mean any more to me than what all of my thoughts on those subjects mean to you. if we are on even footing, then we can work together. if you think your shit smells slightly more rose-y than mine, then we are going to have issues working together. and that's not opinion. that is a fact.

i "hear" that last night (the "emergency" meeting to end all meetings) went pretty well. softball went well, too. thanks for asking. i asked sarah how she would rate the night, 10 being positive and 1 being negative. she gave it a "7". i can live with that. i was bracing for a "3". "7" leaves room for much, much worse. and i can live with that. can you live with me? i bet you can. i don't have any reason to dislike you for more than a moment. there's a good chance you don't know me well enough to stay mad at me. we can talk, right?

you can read my opinions, and you can share them or not. as i've said before, i cannot express to you (especially you, hannah and caroline) how truly blessed i feel that you would spend any of your time with me here. there are surely better things to do in a day.

if you do choose to, though, don't be silly. don't be offended. this isn't the right forum for that nonsense. and that's an opinion.

dear jefferson county


after everything that's been said (not just here, but in close to one hundred e-mails) after the ill-fated disciples council/administrative board/trip to hell two sundays ago, it's hard to find original ground or thoughts concerning the fallout worth publishing on HACAM. this is truly unfortunate. why? because come monday night, whatever part of our congregation that shows up could possibly probably have the most important discussion (looking forward) that my church has left in her. monday night, a meeting has been called to discuss the "health of our church". (i, of course, will not be there. another ministry of our church, the softball team, has two weeks left of softball before the offseason, and considering how much more joy over the last eight years that effort has brought to me versus the church, corporate, there is absolutely no way that i would give up the doubleheader and leave the team shorthanded.) and by "health of the church", i mean, more or less, three things. (a) the hispanic "ministry". (b) the utter lack of organization and leadership of the current group in "power". (c) where do we go from here?

if it sounds like a lot to cram into two hours, well, it is. too much. and depending on how emotional the discourse becomes, it may not all be covered. and that would be a shame. because all of it and the impact of the discussion needs to be covered. unfortunately, it falls into the "rome was not built in a day" category. the hispanic thing has been festering for three years. we can not solve the hurt feelings that are streaming through the bloodlines of the church in half an hour. the lack of orgainization and leadership has been a problem for longer than that. the man responsible for running the meeting monday night has become a caricature of himself, one that holds himself in such different regard than the rest of the universe that it will be difficult to stray from an already manipulated forum. the "where do we go from here?" should have been in place by now. by the church. by us. but for twenty years, we have allowed ourselves to be so pastor-driven and not lay-driven that when we are appointed with a pastor that can't cure all of our problems for us, we continue to stumble down the hill we've been stumbling down for several appointments consecutively. is it all our fault? of course not. our conference doesn't know what to do with us either. our bishop(s) have made terribly short-sighted and misinformed decisions while considering our "spiritual directors", but we have to take some of the blame too. we've allowed it to be this way. we have to own our part.

the good news is that there seems to be some momentum toward this last part actually happening. whether it's just my sunday school class or us and other groups that are beginning to understand what the stagnant water, breeding ground for filth that is our church looks like, change feels as if it is afoot. i don't know if you can call it a movement quite yet. for, to move, you must have a direction and we still aren't there yet. but there is a feeling brewing that part of our church is unhappy barreling downhill into the darkness. if we have enough strength to put on the brakes and momentarily stop our descent, that is something, right? we might not be a movement or have somewhere to move just yet, but maybe we can stop long enough to know that we don't want to keep falling. and that is something worth having a discussion about. but we won't have time for that either.

i don't know what is going to happen monday night. sarah will represent the o'kelleys after rearranging her own schedule. i am still incredibly unhappy at the thought of having to hear what went on second-hand. but i don't have to be there and speak for my thoughts to be heard. sarah knows where i stand. so do the weeds. i'll be well-represented with like-minds. maybe that's enough.

i am often fond of hyperbole, but make no mistake. if you are wasting your time by reading this blog and have any sort of pull towards huffman united methodist church, you should dvr whatever you were going to watch on tv monday night and be in the sanctuary at 630. this could be the night that we take our church back. take it back from the hands that have apathetically led us for years. take it back from the lack of mission that has plagued us. take it back from ourselves that have stood idly by and let it all happen.

this crap didn't happen overnight and we won't fix it in two hours. collectively, though, we can tell each other that we plan to. and during this stewardship season, that may be the most important pledge we can make to the church that we love.

viva "HUMC".

disarmed
(pun intended)


"...the truth will set you free." - scripture-ripped from the mouth of jesus, himself. (or the translated mouth of jesus written down by some guy standing in the vicinity of him. it's pretty credible i hear. i digress.)

sometimes. yeah, i guess that's true. before that whole free thing happens, most of the time the "truth hurts." ( not ripped from jesus. i mean, i am sure he said it at some point in his life. i just don't know if some guy in the vicinity of him heard it. or wrote it down. or whatever. i digress)

a couple months back, i struggled on this site while coming to terms with the idea that one or two of the guys that i employed may have been indirectly responsible for me having an assault rifle pressed to my face. back and forth my brain has bounced from anger to sadness as i've tried to process what that would mean for me, them and their family. i heard a rumor last night and confirmed it with a story that i don't understand how i missed (considering how obsessive i've been looking around for new information) that further cements, in my mind, the idea having legs.

here's the story.

http://blog.al.com/spotnews/2008/08/seven_charged_with_homewood_ro.html

only pay attention to the last two paragraphs. the stuff above doesn't pertain to they guys i know. one of the last three mentioned and his brother both worked with me at the store up until they stopped showing up back in july. after their no-shows, we started hearing rumors about them being involved in nefarious goings-on such as pointing guns in peoples' faces and taking money that didn't belong to them. we, at the store, didn't want to hear any of that. these were among the nicest, most respectful young adults i had ever been around. after our store was robbed three times (a fourth was unsuccessful but still included guns pressed to my employee's head) in four months, they (the brothers) would participate, in their own way, in conversations where we would all swear to doing bad things to our perpetrators if we ever had the chance. if only we knew then what we know now, huh?

after most of the rumors we were hearing were confirmed by officers of the law that still come by and check on us from time to time, there was still a part of me that wanted them to be wrong. that wanted to hear that some guy named "my" guys in an effort to lessen his own punishments, and "my" guys' names would be cleared. knowing today that one of "my" guys sits in jail, charged with multiple robberies and attempted robberies, cuts most of the reality out of my want. i now know that their names have, at the very least, been placed in a conspiracy role with regards to the psp store jobs. and my wish for them to be free and safe and innocent has now been replaced by my genuine hope that (a) bad things happen to them in jail and (b) that i never see them again for the rest of my life.

at least, that's what i say here on the blog. here i can vomit all over my shoes and clean it up in a few days when i don't feel quite as bitter. if i were to actually see them, face to face, again, i would act towards them like i always did. i'd ask them how they were getting along. i'd hope for an apology. i'd forgive them anyway. after all, luckily, no one was hurt (if you don't count mentally scarred as being hurt). it wasn't my money (well, yeah. one time it was.) that they and their cute little band of robbers split.

who knows. maybe one day, someone can do a better job than me of showing them the context of translated jesus' (i don't think they know aramaic. that's ok, though. i don't either.) story and they'll understand that another, more positive income-earning direction would look better on them. i will pray for that.

the truth shall blah, blah, blah.

but not if you are a robber.

if only my mom had a facebook page
(hannah and caroline and me, part seventeen)


i used to think about it a lot more. it still pops up from time to time. what would my teenage years have been like if they had come only a few years later.

i don't know the exact date that al gore invented the internet (wink, wink), but i know that it played no role in my formative years. it wasn't long after that, though, that the internet took over my life. i was hired at the church in october of 1999. it wasn't long after my arrival that an internet connection came to my office and i found myself going back and forth on what i wanted my first personal e-mail address to be. hotmail was free at the time, so i would start there. a little foresight would have worked in my favor looking back almost ten years now. had i tried kevinokelley@..., my guess is that it would have been available. but, nooooo. i was still neck-deep in my ska-punk leanings, and my favorite of all bands would win out in the race to be anointed with the fortune of being connected to my emails from that point forward. kevmu330@hotmail.com. man, what a stupid address that seems like today. it's like a bad tattoo, but i just can't tear myself away from it. in a way, it's part of me (yes, i know. that's sad.). a couple people at the church call me "kevmu", which is ridiculous, but fun. i've registered a more name-appropriate gmail address, but who knows if i'll ever move my traffic there. no time soon i suppose. my love affair with the internet is now well-documented, but the "what if?"s still linger.

i think about how different life must be as a teenager with the world at your fingertips. and i am not just speaking of the community sites that have spread like a cancer since i watched them from afar while i was on staff at the church. to be able to have news instantly prepared and ready to consume. to read and research how a fifteen year-old in younamethecountry is not so different from one here. the same problems. the same feelings. the same wonders and obstacles just packaged differently and spoken in different languages. sports in an instant. sports commentary just as quick. i am a huge alabama and braves fan, but how incredibly obsessive would i be today if i had espn.com and tidesports.com at my disposal when i was literally realizing the idea of "fan" being short for fanatic? i would be insufferable, that's what. wikipedia. information. misinformation. all there for you to utilize and filter while working on a paper or while looking to waste time. i think about how much more enlightened teenagers today could be. they should be. they must be...right?

and then i am around one.

the last sentence is totally unfair. i shouldn't generalize all of teenage-dom's behavior based on one teen, or even the teens that i am around. i am no longer paid to mentor teens, but i am paid to employ them (if i deem them qualified to help sell pet supplies. not rocket science, mind you.), so i get plenty of opportunity, still, to mine the teenage mind. and what do i see? a wasteland of opportunity and potential. chasms and valleys of information just waiting to be found and processed, but most of the time, that information is ignored because even a teen has limited disposable time. and with that time? they are probably on facebook. or livejournal. or myspace. or bebo. or youtube. clawing for something to define their worth or individuality and usually finding it in someone else's work or art or own waste of time. if not on the "community" driven sites, i see them waste their time looking for the newest cell phone or the newest shoes or the newest music or the newest whatever gadget that they can afford and spend their money on in that same search for worth and individuality. and it's just a shame.

maybe i would have had a different view on life if i was a teenager ten years later. maybe i wouldn't have. i wish to believe that living through the hurricane of divorce and discomfort that were my own teenage years might have been easier if i didn't feel like i was the only person going through it at the time. i could have developed a "divorce sucks" facebook group and i would have had thousands of stories that were just like mine or like enough that i didn't think constantly of ways to bury my head in the sand. maybe this would have helped. or maybe it would have depressed me further. who knows.

a teenager today has it "better" than i did in a lot of ways, but i don't know if they are able to grasp what they have any "better". being a teenager is about learning life not solely through books or web pages but through experience. your own experience. not someone else's. which leads me to believe that there will always be something new and shiny and educational like the internet that might make growing up seem easier but doesn't actually.

it makes me laugh to think about my mom having a facebook page, attempting to monitor my communications with my friends or finding her own "community" with like-minded parents. it seems so silly. i applaud the effort of today's parents, but the children will always be one step or one website or one password ahead with anything that they truly feel the need to hide. i guess the key is to make your child feel like they can be as honest as possible with you on the day-to-day things and be comfortable enough with you that you can share their dread if the shit ever hits the fan.

looking back ten years, the internet felt so new and innocent. it wasn't then just like it isn't now. i can only imagine what it will have evolved into when hannah and caroline start to show interest. or what new and shiny and educational thing will be dangling in front of them as a temptation and tool all at the same time. i guess we'll find out soon enough. here's hoping that they trust me to share it with them. and if not, here's hoping that they are comfortable enough with me that i can share their dread when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

well, that went...
...as expected.


first to report? good news. no asses were made of myself sunday night. i approached my first administrative board/disciples council/black hole meeting in over three years with an eye towards not speaking up unless things got absolutely out of control. and they didn't. so, that was positive.

that's it for the good news.

it was painful (and expected) to see that the format of the agenda had not changed one iota since the last time i had graced the hallowed walls of whatever room the meeting was being held in with my presence. if it's not broke, don't fix it, right? what's that you say? it seems to be broken? what do you know, you casual observer from the outside that knows nothing?!?! at least we're having a meeting! what are you doing? watching t.v. on your couch, that's what. you suck. humc will never die. not on my watch! (excerpt taken from current disciples council chair's inner monologue...may or may not be accurate.)

it was also fairly painful to watch my former teammate's presentation fall on either deaf or defensive ears right from the get-go. as i mentioned last week, the idea behind the presentation was simple in form. allow my classmate to play the role of phil hartman's caveman lawyer in front of the group collected sunday night. he would ask possibly rhetorical, possibly not questions to the crowd and honestly gauge the honest responses to those questions. how many committees does humc currently have? who are the chairs of those committees? does each committee know their role within the infrastructure of the church? if a member of humc/visitor to humc was interested in finding a role on one of these committees, how would they search for that role? is there some type of oversight committee, bound and determined to keep the other committees on point and working for the common goal of the church as defined in our "mission statement"? why not? do you prefer mcdonald's fries or rally's fries?

it took all of one question before it all went wrong. chip asked his first question after a short introduction and the floor was all but taken from him. sure, he was allowed to stay up front and participate in the farce that the presentation had become, but he was not allowed to be in control. you see, once you have control, once you have power, it's hard to give it up. i've been there. done that. i know. but you have to set yourself up with a check or a balance that can say to you "wait a second, mr. chair. this guy is speaking. why don't you go get a cup of coffee or something." there was no such check or balance in the crowd sunday night. not even the senior pastor. imagine that.

the unfortunate end to the presentation's grand plan was a small victory for those of us that were there to support it. when the floor was "taken back", the point was driven out of the park. the flaw was illuminated for all to see. it has yet to be determined who in the room was wearing their proverbial sunglasses and who was not. but the flaw was there. "this is not the forum" will be the everlasting or quickly forgotten legacy to sunday night's meeting, and it could also well define every problem that our poor church currently struggles with.

if the group/council/yes-men that is responsible for all the "big" decisions in the church cannot allow a member of the congregation to suggest something is wrong, much less make it's way to the solution phase, who can? the "greatest senior pastor ever"? probably not. the cheerleader? um, no. then, who?

"who?" is right. and wrong altogether, but we knew that already, didn't we? well, at least some of us did. the question now becomes, "what?" what is the next step? what do we do in the face of such extraordinary stubbornness, hubris even? what rock do we turn over next?

i guess we eat bbq and baptize more hispanics.

christ.

what will happen sunday night?


my mind is racing in a hundred different directions as i try and filter through some of my thoughts concerning the process that has led to sunday night. sunday evening at 7:00, HUMC will have it's bi-monthly disciples council meeting. for those not in the know, the disciples council used to be known as the administrative board of our church, made up of at-large voting members and the chairpersons of each of huffman's (or any methodist church's) various committees. the meeting is always open to the congregation (unless noted as a closed meeting, which has never happened in my time at the church), but the congregation rarely seizes the opportunity to come listen in. i don't really blame them. the meeting is not usually very exciting or informative, one or both of which is a requirement for anyone to tear themself away from a lazy sunday evening at home. the meeting usually runs as such. the meeting is called to order and then a short devotion is delivered. shortly after, the chairperson of the board/council opens the floor up to the committee heads and asks for them to volunteer reports to the group to enlighten this representation of the church as to what our ministries have been working on and are working towards. some committees will report at every meeting. some committees will never report. the pastor will, next, deliver some sort of charge and then you are out.

you can get an idea of which committees hold the "power" and which are the "second-tier" groups that don't have much pull by sitting in a couple times. as a staff member at the church, i held a voting seat at "the table", but most of the time played the youth ministry's cards fairly close to the vest. if i had good news, i'd praise the group or the parents or shout thanks to those in the room for everyone to feel good about our progress, but if there was any help i needed, i rarely looked for it from the administrative board. i knew the folks that i needed to talk to to "get things done" and, for the most part, that worked best for the group and for the church, even if the "represented" church never really knew about it or ever really cared.

highlighting my (somewhat perverted, admittedly) approach illustrates one of the problems that our church (and i am sure many others) has faced for quite some time. for, even as a young and inexperienced staff person, i was well aware that the group that is responsible for the "big decisions" in the church wasn't that responsible for anything. in my own opinion, i have never seen this board or council as anything more than the church's figurative (or figurehead) cheerleader, there to put as much emphasis on the positive as they could and find ever-new and unique ways to throw a carpet on top of sensitive issues that could lead and have led to the church's serious decline over the last twenty years.

i've spoken (not terribly candidly yet) about the undercurrent of angst directed towards the hispanic "ministry" of our church. my personal thoughts on it aside, that there is angst is nothing more than a symptom of our greater problem.

that greater problem, whatever it is, has tripped up my sunday school class for months on top of months now. we "hear" that it is tripping up other groups and other classes, but those groups and those classes have the same obstacle as we do. we don't know where to go with the frustration. we don't know which door to kick in. we don't understand how so much lack of understanding and communication exists in a church that worships with just over 200 people each sunday morning. and so, as a group, we have decided to address the greater problem. (i take some of that back. we know how the system works by definition. we just don't live by that definition. haven't in a long time.)

i hope to make the room the by the time the meeting starts, but at some point during the session, one of my classmates and ex-softball teammates will be making a presentation and asking some very pointed questions to unsuspecting people gathered for what they thought to do who-knows-what sunday night. our hope in making the presentation is to stir enough confusion and eventual feedback that some of the questions (which should ((and do, in theory)) have obvious answers) that are asked sunday night may ultimately be easily answered or found by every member of or visitor to our congregation. we hope that it shines a light on how poorly handled the church's infrastructure has been. we hope that it, in some way, opens (or kicks in) a door that will allow members or groups in the church to have conversations with the leaders of HUMC about issues important to them without being fearful that they will step on someone's toes (or culture). we hope that it will be positive step in a forward direction.

my fear is that some of our "leaders" will take personally and be offended by some of the questions that cannot so easily be answered. my fear is that, because of this, some will respond in a defensive manner and cloud the overall purpose of our reclaiming a point to what is usually a pointless meeting. my fear is that i am going to have to make an ass out of myself at a meeting that i am always "invited" to but am not really invited to and have to blog about my disappointment when i am off again next wednesday.

but fear is just a state of mind, right? that's what i tried to claim tuesday. and i do believe that, in some cases, things must be torn down in order to be built back up. we'll see what happens.

obviously, i'll keep you posted.

fear the community
(or not?)


anyone remember this post? to this day, i still like going back every once and again and reading it. beyond the "hannah (and caroline) and me" and sports-tinged posts, i think this short and sweet entry set the tone for what this site would become. it captures a true and telling snapshot of many of the frustrations that still lingered from my having left the HUMC staff. several of the comments helped me realize that (a) some folks were reading what i had to say and (b) some of them were as surprised and upset with the decision to cancel the halloween carnival as i was. the last comment by then senior pastor owen was the best of all, though, because it highlighted the obvious discomfort that some "concerned" folks had with the idea that i may have still been in conversation with young people (then and now friends) that i used to serve in the role of student pastor. the "concerned" may have won the battle, but i believe that the war is still up for grabs.

call me delusional (and i often am), but there is a part of me that will always wonder if the stink that i raised three years ago caused a wave that collected with other like-minded (and rational) waves on shore that made a difference in the halloween carnival being re-instituted on the campus of huffman united methodist. not that i am asking for any credit in the matter. i couldn't care less really why it happened (ok. that's a lie. i am always more concerned with the "why" it happened.). it just makes me happy that the beast is still alive. and it makes me happy to be a part of something that i believe is a genuine difference-maker at a place that i still believe can genuinely make a difference.

that said, i am happy to report that the halloween carnival is back again this year. that said, i am happier to report that we are bringing back the freaking box maze (!!!) to the proceedings as well. you ask me for a group/company team-building project idea, i will give you the box maze. there is absolutely no other event (outside of a mission trip/choir tour) in my church history that has provided a better example, from start to finish (the blueprinting. the collecting of boxes. the construction. the duct tape. the night of the carnival. the destruction. the clean-up.), of the concept of "team" as our trips in box maze heaven accomplished. am i wrong? what could be more inclusive? worried that you don't have the skills to contribute? i would argue that even you can pick up a box. i would argue that even you can throw away that box. i would argue that even you can use duct tape. and i would apologize to those of you with no arms to accomplish these tasks. but i would tell even you that you could serve the role of surveyor, eyeing the spawn of the beast and giving instruction on where more tape must be placed. it's the end all, be all metaphor for church. it is the box maze. and it's back!

more good news? it's on freaking halloween. in the past, some (probably "concerned") members of our crowd have frowned on the idea of putting the halloween carnival on halloween. "we might attract the ne'er-do-wells." "what happens if someone comes with bad intentions?" "halloween carnivals love the devil!"...or other logical arguments. i say "poo" to the naysayers. i say in the middle of the (currently, though rising) sixth most dangerous city in the country, it stands to reason that we might provide safe haven and alternative to those that want to dress up for fun and candy and not be afraid that they will roll across real (and truly intended) police tape as they march through our community's streets. then again, i could be stupid (and i often am).

there is a part of our church, maybe even the consensus whole, that is scared to death of what our ever-evolving "community" might bring with them if we ever truly "invited" them inside our walls. and that consensus could probably make good points as it relates to their fears. but that does not excuse the fact that fear is only in the mind of the beholder. it's a state of mind. it's complicated, i get it, but it's something that doesn't have to grip you and guide you to making short-sighted and safe decisions like watching fox news all the time. fear is something that can so simply be turned on it's head if one person or one group or one church can redefine the fear into something positive. fear canceled the halloween carnival at HUMC in 2005. but i do believe fear brought it back. and i do believe that fear is bringing back the box maze. and i do believe that if we keep doing carnivals on the day that they should be held and if we keep making box mazes and metaphors for what church should really be, we can re-learn and understand that, yes, we are an old church, but we are not dead yet.

viva la box maze!!!

hannah and caroline and me

(part sixteen)

when did this happen? surely, it wasn't overnight. maybe it just feels that way. i hope so. i can only guess that this feeling overwhelms every parent when their first child starts to become their own little person. no longer are they just parrots that mimic their parent's gestures and movements or repeat what they hear us say. at some point (in hannah's case, sometime late this summer), they start to figure out what it is to be them. to be an "individual" in the loosest sense of the term. she is still overwhelmingly influenced by her parents and her teachers and her friends at school and the television, but it's obvious that she is starting to process the information in a different way.

it's amazing to watch unfold in front of my eyes. she uses words like "actually" and "responsible" in their proper context and she utters phrases like "are you out of your mind?" because she is genuinely bent by the conversation she's having that the other person is actually out of their mind.

i love you, hannah, and not just because you remind me so much of me that it makes me sick and proud all at the same time. you are stubborn. hard-headed. innocently vain. caring of your sister. interested in pushing your sister's buttons. and mary poppins sweet. this afternoon, you looked at me like you look at people sometimes with those big blue eyes and you just patted my head. you didn't say anything, but your gentle touch said "i love you, daddy" without ever having to say a word. why did you do that? where did you learn it? will you do it again, please?

it's hard to wrap my head around the idea that you are growing up, but lucky for me, i don't feel like it's happening too fast. maybe that will happen later. i keep hearing "they grow up so fast", but it doesn't feel that way yet. i feel like you are growing up just right. at just the right speed. fast enough that you can learn a proper lesson now. but slow enough that it takes months, sometimes, for me to appreciate you've reached a new level of smart.

when i am patient enough, i try and look at the world through your eyes, like i did for a few minutes this afternoon before we laid caroline down for a nap. still unsure of how time dictates so much of our lives. still motivated by nothing more than when you can get your next snack or your next barbie. learning to understand the "why" of no and not simply the command. you're in a good place. i won't wish for you to stay in it forever, but i am glad that i am sharing it with you.

you're a special little (big) girl. i am glad i picked you up early today.

meanwhile, here's what caroline thinks of the zoo...

silly girl.

...so, does the metaphor still work if they've never had glasses? oh, what the hell! let's go with it!


disclaimer:

yes, absolutely i am. of course i am. who wouldn't be? i am more than stoked. i am trying to transition to "it's only the first game" mode as we speak, but i just haven't gotten there yet. if you'll excuse the hyperbole for just a minute, though, thank you. my gut reaction to last night is this. if this season, looking back five years from now, is seen as the one that alabama became ALABAMA again, marquis maze's "the non-catch" should very well go down in bama history with the same romantic hindsight as george teague's "strip that never happened". through one game, it defines everything that is and has changed from last season to this one. there was not a player on the active roster last year that makes that catch. this year? there are probably four. last year? there were zero guys on the offensive side of the ball that made defenses squirm and gameplan around. as evidenced by last night, this year bama has at least two true freshmen that may end up being gamechangers. last year? there was no mount saint cody at nosetackle. this year? holy christ. you can't really miss big number 62. last year? alabama's season picked up momentum when they hung on to beat arkansas but still let darren mcfadden run for 200 yards. this year? alabama dominated the "best running back tandem. ever" and left no doubt as to whether or not the better team actually won. it's one game. you are right. but it was one helluva game.

back to earth...

since the last time i jotted down anything here concerning the church, i was asked to consider myself as a candidate for the vacant associate pastor helper position, empty since father's day (i respectfully removed my name from the list...reasons coming in a later post...or later on in this one...who knows). also, things are beginning to get a little more hairy with the hispanic ministry congregation that is making themselves quite at home on the campus of huffman united methodist church. other than that, things are pretty much the same. we are still being urged to be "disciples in action: making and growing disciples". we are still pretty unsure, on the whole, of what the hell that means. sunday school classes are complaining about homeless people (er, bhn) dropping spaghetti on their fancy sunday school class carpet. we are in the middle of updating the entrance of our education building with a welcome and information center and painting the walls a newer shade of beige (along with an edgy, but "faaaabuuulouuuus", black trim). you know, the usual stuff.

this week we also published a letter from our bishop grouping us into a collection of churches that are failing because we "have decided to die". that's a pretty simple diagnosis i suppose. i am pretty sure putting the majority of the blame on the churches, themselves, rather than an old-time-y and outdated appointment system and infrastructure is a symptom of a greater problem. but, then again, what do i know? i guess we'll just buy into this natural church development nonsense and continue to not focus on huffman(umc), instead focusing on how other churches have benefited from buying into the "program". more to come on this as i continue to collect my thoughts...

i feel like i know what some of you must be thinking. "why so negative, kevin? damn, you're such a wet blanket. why don't you focus on the positive, you cynical bastard?" and i admit it. i am thinking the same thing. but, here's the thing. i can't think of any one thing positive, at least not one on a grand enough, corporate scale that would lend me to legitimately consider inviting one of my own friends to humc. am i missing something? is it just my bad attitude that i share only with myself? or am i onto something that is lurking right below the surface in a lot of sunday school groups and in watercooler-type conversations all around our halls that are being shared with a couple here and a couple there but still haven't reached the point of critical mass? i'd invite someone to my sunday school class, but a new member, if not forewarned with a detailed back-story, would quickly get the impression that someone is dragging us to the church in handcuffs. i would invite someone to a "church" softball game, because that event is far enough away from our sunday morning baggage and hispanic backlash that it wouldn't completely poison the "visitor's" idea of our church upon first glance. i'd invite them to walk around the church with me my one week out of every month and i could share great stories of great times that continue to fuel my want to be attached to my church, even if it's walking around the outside of it, locking the doors after everyone has left the building (um. that would probably preach.). and that's about it right now. and that's about sad.

are there other ministries in the church that are doing good things? sure. our role in bhn is still going strong. the choir is still doing their thing. the children's place has started it's bounce back from rock bottom. olga's still "the man." but shouldn't there be more? shouldn't we have an idea of why all of these ministries exist? why they should be maintained? why we should care outside of the context of "the great commision" and inside the context of how we should be serving our community in the year 2008? of course we should.

but, we don't. and that, dear bishop, is why we are in decline. do not question our effing commitment! it is vision we lack. it is vision that we crave. it is vision and the mission that follows that vision that will lead us back to where we once were. to life. to caring again. to relevancy. and that relevancy, that vision starts with the head of our church, local. and that starts with you, bishop, the man responsible for feeding our heads of our churches this natural church development bullcrap.

huffman, it is not you that i am upset with. i completely agree with what sarah stated as we were processing how this morning fit into huffman's greater problems. our system is killing us. the caretakers of our system are failing. and there is no one, currently, that can hear our screams. i love being a methodist. in theory, there is something beautiful and fluid and accountable about the beliefs and ideas and ideals that define us. currently, we are not operating like a methodist church.

and that, chip, is my "big idea". it's not new. it's not revolutionary. it is what it is.

i want us to be methodist again. i want us to understand the love of jesus through the way we see our defined graces. i want us to tithe to our system, our idea. i want us to be ok with the appointments we receive because we are, by definition, welcoming and flexible. i want us to be open-minded and open-hearted and open-door-ed. i want us to be able to see the forest and not just the hispanics trees. i want these things for my church. i want them for myself.

our bishop would tell you he wants these things too. so would our senior pastor. and our two senior pastors before that. and they might mean those words. but their actions indicate to me (in my most humble and definitely could be wrong opinion) that their idea of what and who we are has been corrupted somehow. perverted. altered. skewed. and until someone convinces me that i missed the chapter on revitalizing grace, i will believe this.

the good news is that i am ready to write about church again. the bad news is that there is (close to) nothing good to report.

yet.

there are still good people at huffman. the confusion in the air is dense, though. and the forecast is for more of the same. what to do? either "they" change or we change and then we change them (damn, that sounds familiar). it's our move.

but then again, it always has been.

to be or not to be

(julio)

if you didn't see this post coming, well, welcome to my planet. my name is kevin o'kelley. i like alabama football. too much at times. my like is not unconditional, mind you. i find it harder to care when the team stinks (like the braves). i find it harder to play fanatic when a season's potential has been lost to a bad john parker wilson interception (or a chipper jones injury). i find it hard to swallow that even a probation-era-handcuffed alabama has lost to auburn six consecutive years. i know if alabama had kept it's nose clean that the whole "one for the thumb" nonsense never would have happened. hell, it never even would have been imagined. that's not to say that auburn would not have beaten alabama on the field in that span of six years. i am saying that, recruiting being on a level playing field, alabama doesn't lose six straight. but alabama didn't keep it's nose clean. and it was punished for it. it's a shame that institutional control is such a hard bear to tame, but when people care about a program (and it staying on top) like i care about alabama and those people have lots of money, the temptations to skirt the rules will always be around. here's hoping nick saban hammers those temptations down as hard as he does the every so often unsuspecting media joe that asks a silly question. my like, my love even, is not unconditional. i am a fairweather fan, including when it comes to those teams that i love the most. my like is not unconditional.

but my hope is.

and my hope (along with many other bama fans) is currently personified in one julio jones.

let's look at the facts.

julio...

...was first team parade magazine prep all-america.

...was first team ea sports prep all-american

...was scout.com prep all-american

...was rivals.com number one ranked high school prospect, state of alabama, in 2007.

...was rivals.com number four ranked high school prospect, country of usa, in 2007.

...was espn.com number two ranked high school prospect, country of usa, in 2007.

...attended the under armour prep all-american game.

...announced his decision to attend the university of alabama on february 6, 2008.

...was announced as starting wide receiver for the university of alabama on august 25, 2008.

the julio jones era at the university of alabama has now arrived. buckle. your freaking. seatbelts!

i can only imagine what it would be like to be even one person's hope personified. what an amazing weight that must be to carry. i don't know this young man. i've only seen him play once, and that was against over-matched high school competition. but i know what he means to every alabama fan that sees his being in tuscaloosa as the turn towards something completely new and completely traditional all at the same time. he means everything.

i've said this before, but today's announcement that julio would be starting come saturday night only further cements my theory. even if julio tears his acl on the way to the bus headed towards the georgia dome and never plays a down or never catches a pass or never becomes the first round pick he's destined to be doesn't matter now. what matters is that his signing and being on campus and living up to the hype (in saban's eyes) to the point of him starting on day one means the ball has bounced in a different direction. it means that one of the best players in the country picked alabama. and it opens the gate for other best players to follow his footsteps. it will now be up to saban, julio, the current team, future teams and the program, itself, to keep the momentum running in a positive direction, but make no mistake. alabama is again trending towards the top.

auburn fan or georgia fan or florida fan or tennessee fan or lsu fan can jeer now, sure. alabama is, absolutely, still below them on the totem pole that is the sec. but any fan of those schools that tells you or themself that they didn't shudder on the day that julio said he was coming is either lying or doesn't pay enough attention to matter. either one's a shame. for several years, alabama has been sliding down a mountain of ice shredding their nails to the quick trying to stop their own proverbial snowball from making it's way down the hill to irrelevancy. with his signature and arrival, julio, single-handedly stuck his pick in the glacier and said, "this is far enough. now, we head back up." for one young man, uniquely gifted in the athletic field that he has chosen, that is pretty damn impressive. enjoy this year, sec. maybe enjoy one more. barring alabama kicking themself in the teeth again anytime soon, the view at the top is about to be tinted crimson.

i can only imagine what it would mean to be one person's hope personified. if i play my cards right, though, i could very well be two. two little girls, one that turned one year old on saturday and one that inspired me to start this site, will one day look at me and their mother as the model for how they respond when they happen into a crummy situation(s). if i play my cards right, they will choose wisely and they will come out better persons for having made it through their crummy situation(s). that must and will be a heavy burden to carry. i suppose i am ready.

i can't dream of being like julio jones on the football field. not now. not ever. he is fast and athletic and an already great catcher of footballs. i am not.

i can dream of being someone's hope. hell, i can dream of being a lot of people's hope. shoot for the stars, right? and to that end?

to be or not to be julio?

i choose "to be."

so long as we are pimping alabama freshmen...

rolando mcclain, meet jerrell harris. jerrell, rolando. while prince hall figures out ways not to get himself into anymore trouble, jerrell will be your new best friend. he isn't quite as big as you are. yet. but he's every bit as talented. he's a hard worker. he likes to hit people. and he's beyond tired of reading everyone and their mother write about alabama's weakness at linebacker. that's right. he reads too. consider him worth molding in your likeness. if alabama is to succeed this fall, he needs to follow your footsteps onto the all-sec freshman team.

in other news...

yesterday, i had the roughest day of work that i've had in quite some time. i am usually not one to complain about my job. most days, it's not nearly labor intensive enough that my complaining would come across as anything more than whining. but then again, it's not every day that i am sick either. and yesterday, i was pretty sick. it didn't help matters that i was incredibly sore from the previous night's softball double-header, so i began the day thinking that i'd loosen up as the day went along and things would be just fine. about mid-morning, i started getting that ominous hot/cold/hot/cold feeling that accompanies any good-for-something fever. sure enough, by lunchtime, i felt wretched. i didn't want to move. i didn't want to talk. i just wanted to go home and lay down. but i couldn't. not yet. why? because there was over 3200 pounds of cat litter in my backroom that needed to come out onto the floor. i could've been a little baby and let my stocker do all of it by himself, but that's not really how i roll. so, after i ate a small lunch, we went to the back to lift the equivalent weight of his volkswagon jetta twice (once off the pallet, once onto the floor) in processed clay so that my customers could have the on-sale scooping cat litter they so rightfully deserve. after finishing up that project, i felt like i could've cried. my fever made my head ache and feel as if it were swollen to twice it's normal size. junk oozed down the back of my throat. my neck hurt. my hamstrings were on fire from the up and down and up and down. i was miserable. i finally got away from the store and made it home in time to not die. i took some tylenol and drifted in and out of nap sleep as i felt my fever begin to break for the first time all day. such a wonderful and disgusting feeling all at the same time. the pain from the day was being released, but it was coming out my sweat glands in such a way that i was worried i could ruin the couch with the amount of water that was coming out of me.

i just laid there until the girls got home. by that time, i felt close to human again. i had endured what i hope to be the worst part of this cold or whatever that i am fighting off. i say all the time that i am the worst about being sick. all i want is for someone to take care of me (bring me soup, warm washcloth on the forehead, etc.). yesterday, though, i was proud of myself. i stuck out the day, came home and took care of myself, and wasn't the altogether nuisance that i usually am. maybe that's the way it's gotta be now. two baby girls in the house make it hard for me to get undivided attention even if i needed it.

i don't usually like to complain about my job or my life when i have so much less to complain about than so many others. i'll complain a little about yesterday, though. but i am glad that it ended well. and i am glad that i feel a little better today.

less than two weeks away from football

(oh, yeah. and i get to see my friends again.)

listen, there is no way that i can articulate the excitement and enthusiasm that is currently building inside of me for the college (and pro) football season to get rolling, pun intended. the braves' season is over. bobby cox is still trying to "win games", blowing out 42 year-old pitcher's elbows in the process, instead of using the last forty games as extended spring training for 2009. i am appreciative of the olympics for serving as a dramatic and, at times, compelling bridge to get me to aug. 30th (count me among the phelps fanatics). but, let me be honest. the first game of the season for alabama followed by week one of the nfl fantasy football year is what's keeping me up at night. god, i cannot wait.

also exciting is that, barring something unforeseen, come aug. 30th., i actually get to hang out with andy and kiker again. softball has given me a built-in excuse to keep track of kiker over the summer, but, as hard as it is to believe, i haven't actually kicked it with andy since before drew's baseball season began. how on earth did this happen??? i'll tell you how. andy went 9-5 on my ass (actually, i think it's something ungodly like 6-2) and took himself out of the running for easy-access, "hey, do you want to go to dreamland" spectaculars that we used to work out from time to time. and what did i do to combat that obstacle thrown in our way? um. i guess i just whined about it. fat lot of good that did me.

for my lack of effort leading up to the renewal of our gatherings come this time two weeks from yesterday, to my friends, i apologize. i hope that part of our pre-game conversation can include steps to prevent this sort of long-time absence from happening again any time soon. call me gay or sappy or whatever, but, damn, i miss you guys. it's been too long.

this serves as just another testament to the possibility that julio jones (no disrespect to bj, pictured above) is the savior of all mankind. even in the midst of two-a-days, your promise of "something better" can keep old friendships aflame.

god bless you, julio.

when good blogs go bad


i am looking at you, joseph. donna. jacob. brian. sometimes andy. i am looking at your extinct blogs, kiker and chris perry. and i am looking at you for one reason. all of your blogs (or lack thereof) drive me crazy. don't get me wrong. i love your posts. every last one of them. from ipod playlists to talking about tea to ranting about law firms to designing weird stuff that my brain could never imagine to killdozers. i love them all! and that is my point. there aren't enough of them!

i guess there are as many reasons that blogs are created as there are blogs, themselves. the root of all them (or at least part of the root) stemming from the want or, in some cases, need to share some part of "you" with THE REST OF THE WORLD (or the three people you think may read your blog). you don't see your friends enough and want to create some outlet for conversation or community? start a blog. you want to jot down thoughts that you usually keep inside so that maybe your daughter(s) might understand you a little better when they are older? start a blog. you feel like you are an expert on a given subject and it is your calling to share that expertise with THE REST OF THE WORLD? start a blog. you want to journal and your pen is out of ink? start a blog. you want to feel that someone hears you other than yourself? start a blog. you want to bash someone but don't have the balls to say it to their face? start a blog. you want something that you feel like you and no one else has control over it's content, the "it's my blog/world" concept? start a blog. you like to read books and then watch movies made from books and then talk about how the book is better than the movie or vice-versa and why? start a blog. the list could go on and on and there is absolute merit to every reason that anyone could come up with i suppose. one would hope that a blog's creation would not be born out of malicious intent, but those are out there too. and the people that started those blogs would probably have pretty good, if not reasonable, arguments for them. blogs are created for hundreds upon thousands of reasons.

the reasons that blogs are maintained, though, are significantly fewer. the internet is littered with a drastic number of dead blogs walking. link after link of old livejournals, blogspots, wordpresses, among others that have been left with nothing more substantial anymore than a permanent internet address. they have been abandoned. the reason behind their creation long since forgotten. and they stand as little more than a polaroid of some person's life when they thought using their disposable time putting finger to keyboard and sharing thoughts for THE REST OF THE WORLD to see seemed like a worthwhile effort. happening across these url's make me sad. i think to myself, "what a waste." i wonder what happened that this person stopped writing. did they piss somebody off? did they run out of time? did they grow out of the exercise? did someone call them a pansy? did they get a real job? did they never really like to write in the first place?

in most cases, that's what it really boils down to, right? getting some enjoyment from writing down your own thoughts for posterity's sake. taking a step further than trusting your long term memory to remind you why "this" was important on "that" day. chances are that you are going to enjoy your posts way more than anyone else. why? because they are your thoughts. yours and yours alone. you always will be more invested than your readers, and that should be ok. because if you are blogging, you are writing for yourself, right? you hope to enlighten or entertain or educate your readers along the way, but, in the end, it's for you.

and some people just don't have it in them. to write. to find time to write. some people learn that they'd rather communicate in a more direct or old school manner like the phone, or worse, in person. pshh. how dated are they? and that's ok too. i don't judge them (harshly).

why those mentioned above drive me crazy is because i am guilty of raising my expectations of them. and lowering my expectations of myself.

they blogged once!!! that must mean they'll blog all the time. and since i miss them and want to know what is going on in their world all the time but don't feel like i have the time (or sometimes energy) to pick up the phone and call them or go to dreamland with them or travel to florida to see them, this will make it easier for ME. i won't have to try as hard. i won't have to worry about how they are doing because they are going to let me know in no fewer than bi-weekly posts and i can still feel like i am connected to them even though i am doing very little to further the cause of our relationship myself.

they didn't do anything wrong. they all have families and jobs and school and things that are more important to them than their blog. so do i. but, then again, i am pretty narcissistic. i really like reading my own thoughts. why else would i spend a lazy off day posting three times? it's not like i am being paid by the word. it's not like i couldn't find something more constructive to do around the house (even though i would have cut the grass today if it wasn't raining). this makes me happy. the writing. and the reading. and the thinking about what i'll jot down next.

good blogs don't really go bad. i just miss my friends sometimes. and my family. and sometimes i am too tired to do anything about it other than type.

today was a good day for me. thanks for sharing.

ok. so, i am starting to get pretty excited.

i've been waiting a long time for this.

this is what four million dollars a year looks like, folks. it's not the record last year. it may not be the record this year. it's this photo. it's the stories, like jesus julio jones', that are pumping out of tuscaloosa this month. that this year's recruiting class could put 8-10 young (fresh)men in meaningful situations come the clemson game. one could argue that playing 10 freshmen is a good sign of a bad program, and i hear that argument. but one could also argue that alabama hasn't had 10 freshmen worth playing during their first year on campus in twenty years.

let's face it. alabama's schedule this season is brutal. they bookend the campaign with top-ten challenges (if auburn holds up their end). they go to georgia. they go to lsu. 8-4 means they don't trip on their way to taking care of the rest of their business outside of these games. maybe they pull an upset. maybe two. maybe they don't crap a gimme game away this year. it's all up in the air at this point, obviously.

but this picture is what four million dollars a year looks like, because if mike shula or somebody else not named nick saban is coaching the tide, this guy is probably catching passes from tim tebow or drew weatherford this year. and that is a fact my opinion.

god bless you, julio (and burton and jerrell and mark and mark and tyler and others). crimson and white suits you (all) quite nicely.

how i got old


today used to be a holiday for me. i'd wait with anticipation. i'd soak in all the commercials. i'd get excited months ago when the cover boy was announced. i'd play a little ncaa to whet my appetite. i wouldn't go so far as to be at wal-mart at midnight, but sometime during the day of release, i would pick up the newest version of madden. and i would play. for hours on top of hours i would play. just exhibition games, mind you. i wouldn't start a full season until (real) pre-season games were over and done with. and then it was on. my first season would be with the falcons. that would take all of a week. then i'd play a season with whichever team i was all about at the time. then i'd draft a fantasy team and play a bizarro season. rinse. and repeat.

then i got old.

then i went and did something stupid like give away my playstation. and since christmas of 2006, i haven't picked up a gaming controller. every year, around this time, i start to get "the itch" again. it's like a drug. at some point, i can't remember when, the playstation memory card would keep track of how much time one spent playing the games that you were using the card with. i wish i could remember the year and the specifics of my most ridiculous tally, but i can't. if i had them in front of me, i'd either be really ashamed or really proud. probably the latter.

most days, it's easy to rationalize not having a system. since the day i gave my playstation 2 away, i've been telling myself that i wouldn't have enough time in any given day to justify the cost of having a ps3. most days, i trust that judgement to be the best for myself and my family. i am sure the girls appreciate (even if they don't know that they do) my rational (and "grown-up") side having matured. on days like today, though, when everyone on espn is talking about madden and i remember how much a part of my life during the football season it used to be, i get kind of sad.

once the real games start, i'll get over it. i've replaced part of my yearning for that game(s) with a new one - fantasy. and that draft is only a few short weeks away.

my favorite commercial on tv right now is one that is running on espn pimping fantasy football. it's got a regular joe out in the yard talking with and high-fiving an imaginary packers running back, ryan grant, while a kid looks on wondering what the crap is going on. for a couple days, if you happen upon me sitting on the couch, staring at a tv that isn't on with an imaginary controller in my hands only to see me erupt in anger, throw down the imaginary controller and find a cat to kick (or throw)...

just let it go.

single, father of two
(back from the beach)
((hannah and caroline and me, part fifteen))



i haven't really thought of it in these terms 'til right now. beginning tonight, i'll be alone in my care of the babies girl for as many nights as we were just at the beach. weird. but, not scary. i think we will have a good time together. if night one (which is now complete with the girls tucked tightly into bed) is any indication, we'll be just fine.

so, we are back from the beach. sarah asked me what my favorite part of the trip was as we were headed back today, and the immediate answer was easy. the ocean. i could not have asked for more perfect ocean conditions than what we were handed for three consecutive days. we arrived sunday to a yellow flag, but it was a pretty rough yellow. monday and tuesday followed with red flag days, the both of them, but tame enough on the red flag scale ("5" being "people gonna die!!!" and "1" being "i can tell my mom i was dangerous when i get back") that none of our party (save hannah) feared for their safety. i splashed and dove into the oncoming waves with reckless abandon just as i remember doing as a boy. back then, i felt like the only person in the water. back then, i felt like i was the only one on the entire beach as i performed my acrobatics but i always secretly wished that people were watching me and commenting on how cool i looked. that probably didn't happen. on this trip, it was usually my brother-in-law and me tossing around a soaked nerf turbo in between waves and we both would crash into the oncoming "tacklers" as if it was what we were made to do. i like doing things that hearken back to my days as a boy. i like doing things that make me feel giddy. playing in the ocean the last three days accomplished both.

hannah and caroline were awesome and beach bunnies, themselves. hannah came a long way in a year's time. she found herself actually enjoying not only the sand on the beach, but the water too as, each passing day, she found herself more and more brave as it concerned her and the ocean. hannah also found herself underwater twice in the pool on the last day, something that she swore to us she would not let happen on the trip. both occasions were accidents, but they will provide growth looking ahead to whatever pool we hope to find ourselves in next summer. caroline was how caroline always is. easy. she chilled in the baby pool on the beach. she chilled in the pool by the hotel. she chilled in the hotel room. she fussed a little here and there, but only because her regular routine of rest and food was thrown off some by the vacation itinerary. the girls were the stars of the show as far as i could tell. hannah could be a little demanding at times with her request for control of the television and "her way", but then she would pull something sweet out of her hat and warm us all with how tenderhearted she truly is. i think the babies girl had a good time, indeed.

sarah's been hard to read. being around that side of her family plays with and triggers all sorts of emotions that i can't possibly begin to try and explain here. i will say, though, that i think she enjoyed her vacation and will take the good with the bad any day if it means that we get to go to the beach.

my emotions, given that i haven't had a ton of time to properly reflect? mixed as well. i had a great time. and i was flattered to be welcomed into that side of the family in that kind of atmosphere in a very warm (but very different) way. a lot of stuff, said and unsaid, was going on in the condo at times, but i am sure the same could be said when any family, separated by time and space, convenes in an attempt to enjoy the others' company. i felt awkward at times. i felt like i bit my tongue as much as i could (and i am proud of that). and i felt like i got closer to some folks that i wouldn't mind spending more time around. time and space will probably prevent that from happening, but, in this case, it's the thought that counts.

back from the beach.

one day now to get my head back in shape before i get back to the store. hopefully, tomorrow will feel like a good "off" day even though the vacation is over. hopefully, i can get the girls to saturday morning without them missing mommy too much. hopefully, like last year, the sour tastes that i have in my mouth will soon be replaced with something sweeter. memories of the good and healthy times that will build me and my family toward a better tomorrow. i shouldn't worry about fixing anything that's not my place to fix. i should worry about why hannah is completely perfect even though she watches "inappropriate" television.

"kevin!!!"

you're right. thanks, family crump, for a wonderful time! thank you, pre-tan, for working. and thank you, waves. see you next summer, ok? don't forget me. i love you.

to the beach!
(hannah and caroline and me, part fourteen)


so, things will be shutting down around HACAM for a few days, for the the family o'kelley is about to head to the (orange) beach! i must say, it feels like a well-deserved vacation, but the more i think about it, the more "deserved" feels like a pretty relative term. every one of us deserves a vacation, don't we? i don't know if i would go so far as to belittle myself as a slacker, so i won't say that people work harder than i do. but, i do know that there are tons of people that work in much worse conditions than i do. outside. no air-conditioning. less down time. less friendly people to work with. those people probably "deserve" a vacation more than i do.

since our beach trip last year, though, i have been robbed at my store twice. dealt with the fallout of two more robberies at the store, those two of which i was lucky enough not to be around. most recently, i am dealing with the alleged idea that two of my employees have been active and willing participants in taking money (away from the store) that doesn't belong to them. in addition to work stuff, we've added a new baby caroline to our mix and we've been dealing with a no-longer-baby hannah that is developing her own stubborn personality that matches quite honestly with those of her parents. there have been good times. there have been bad. such is probably the case with every family i suppose.

all of this is to say that i don't feel guilty for getting away for a few days. quite the contrary. i think it is going to be a healthy experience to leave huffman and decompress for a while. try not to think about the store. or fielding a softball team. or cutting the grass. or washing clothes. or all other kinds of stuff.

all of this is to say that i can't wait for tomorrow morning. come fourteen hours from now, i'll be on vacation. leave a message if you'd like. there's a pretty good chance that it won't be returned 'til thursday.

take care, all.