first day of school
(part two)


no, you are not mistaken. hannah did, in fact, start school last week. and, for that matter, caroline will be bumped up to her new class tomorrow. it was me that had that first day of school, queasy feeling as i headed into the store this morning.

i wasn't quite sure what to make of the feeling. lord knows that i am ready to get back into a routine that doesn't involve family feud being the highlight of my day (although, i do love me some feud!). i didn't ask for three weeks off. had i, the three weeks would have been spent doing something fun and i would've subtracted pain and inconvenience from the equation. i got the three weeks off anyway, though, and walking into the store felt exactly like i thought it would feel, like i had been gone for six months and not just almost one.

if i take a couple days in a row off or even go crazy and take a long weekend, the store suffers. that's not me tooting my own horn or me ragging on my staff. i love them all and they do great jobs most of the time. things just aren't quite the same or quite as efficient when i am not there. productivity dips. things are a little less straight. a little more finds its way through the cracks. driving in this morning, i think most of my anxiety was rooted in how much "we'll just wait 'til kevin gets back" that i would find.

i found plenty.

to be fair, the store didn't burn to the ground. my other managers stepped up in ways that my micro-managing self might not have allowed had i been around, and, in that regard, all parties, myself included, probably grew up a just little bit while i was away. it wasn't that i didn't trust them. it was that i trusted myself more. a flawed way of thinking, but my ways of thinking often are. no, the store didn't burn. not even close. there was some drama that'll have to be addressed (isn't there always?). some customers that were rubbed the wrong way (ditto). but nothing was broken that can't be fixed, and, boy, i do love fixing. fixing and hating the braves is what i do.

and so, tomorrow, there will be less to worry about. tomorrow will still be filled with "hey! welcome back!"'s, but i am ok with those. they make me feel warm. but tomorrow will feel more normal, and normal is something i've been searching for for a while now.

how normal at work will fit into our "new normal" will be decided as we get farther into things, but i am excited to find out.

and i am excited that think we've almost gotten past the point where every post here on HACAM feels like a diary entry.

not that there's anything wrong with that.

so long, spud jr.


to those that saw it (and marveled at his owner's neglect), it wasn't pretty. but in every way it was a carwreck, one that you couldn't take your eyes off of. and yet, monday, it was removed. the tumor/cyst/whateverthecrapitwas that my oldest cat had been carrying with him for many a year took a trip to the dumpster monday afternoon. spud's not speaking to reporters on the matter yet, but i think he's a more handsome cat for it. may it increase his and our quality of life for a while. you're welcome, spud, and i am sorry for being a horrible owner.

if working at psp has taught me anything, it is that pets are a magnificent distraction to their owner's lives in good ways and bad ways. and we need magnificent distractions. all of us do.

as i try and draw out of the haze of my last month and a half, i search for my next distraction. should i read more? take up walking? let andy talk me into one of his remaining adoptable puppies? play bunko? poker? buy a ps3 and spend the fall of 2009 hearkening back to the "good old days" when i wasted hundreds of hours of my life on madden and mvp? maybe i should let chip take me hunting, acquire the taste for "the kill" and tune in with nature while waiting around in the woods for my next helpless victim to fall prey to me and whatever i would name my gun...most likely "keyser soze". i need and am searching for something. i am open to suggestions. what do you think?

i am thinking about sacred cows.

i am thinking about pink elephants.

word of life the worship center.

huffman.

east lake.

what does it mean that trussville baptist looked around at schools that they could help and decided on chalkville elementary?

why did costa's bbq on chalkville mt. not work?

what are you searching for? i am looking for something tan-gi-ble.

magnificent distractions. tangents. detours. relative, to what? exactly. if working at psp has taught me anything, it's that ak-47's are overrated. it wasn't my life that flashed in front of my eyes that night. it was a dream. a facade. things that didn't matter and won't. it was alabama football and braves baseball and ribs and softball, because he was never going to shoot. at least, that's what i tell myself now.

looking down the barrel of that tumor, i didn't and don't see distractions. i did and do see sarah, and hannah and caroline and kiker and andy and my brother(s) and my family and my friends that i could go weeks without seeing or talking to but don't want to anymore. i saw what's now left of my church. i saw those that have made themselves happier by leaving us. and i saw that it was all good.

if what we talked about last night was what "you" are searching for, maybe we overextended ourselves in the 80's and 90's. and this today we are living in, this moment, this is the "course correction". maybe we became something perverted from the point. a show or a soap opera with a heart of gold and good intentions, but still a show. and this today, this moment, what if we are, only now, realizing the truth.

you are spinning (out of control) the truth, no?

possibly. i've never not been stupid. i've got to think this through. why remove the questions that seem uncomfortable before you make copies? i don't know. turn around.

magnificent distractions.