99
(happy birthday to me?)
so, i didn't make it. not even to my amended goal. my 100th post will have to come later this week. either thursday or friday when i close the store and have some time to spend online in the morning. and so, this morning, i make number 99.
i woke up this morning and i was 30. i have been building this up in my head for months now. the big 3-0. 30. thirty. not in my twenties. 30. i woke up this morning and you know how i felt?
... awake. not sore. not creaky. not old. not like i had one foot in the grave. no headache. almost fully recovered from my cold of the last ten days. i felt...pretty. damn. good??? that's not what it's like, is it? turning 30, that is. of all my birthdays, i should feel older today. but i don't. i feel really, really good. now granted, we didn't play softball last week. so, i have had two weeks to recover from our epic doubleheader now. if my birthday was last monday, i think i would've felt 30. in a couple weeks when we get started playing basketball again, when i run up and down a basketball court for the first time in nine months, i am going to feel 30. but not today.
today, i woke up and my body wouldn't let me go back to sleep. today, i walked downstairs and my precious, beautiful little girl was coloring a birthday card for me. today, i've already heard voices of people wishing my day well. i've read an e-mail already doing the same. today, i am going to have lunch with a couple of old friends. tonight, thanks to my wonderful, doctor (thus, ending the suspense from last monday's entry) of a wife, i get to have dinner with a bunch of folks from my "sunday school class" and their families. tonight, i will eat, drink, and be merry. and monday night football will play in the background as the theme music. that couldn't be any more me!!!
no, today looks like it is going to be a good day. maybe even a great one. one that will go by way too fast in order for the world to prove that tomorrow can find a way to take the luster off of any good today. but today, i am going to enjoy being 30. and maybe, just maybe, i'll even try and own it the way some of my closest friends already have. no, today i do not have to defend any dissertations or take any big tests, but just by waking up this morning, i've earned, in a way, a pretty serious badge of honor.
me:
"hi there. this is my wife, dr. sarah o'kelley."
sarah:
"hi there. this is my husband, kevin. he's 30."
damn straight.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
98
(sarah's big day)
i guess this day is probably the culmination of every day you've had since i met you. for until today, every day we have known each other has, in a way, been leading to this hour. defending your dissertation. as i sit in your office and type, i can't help but think back on everything that has led you and us to this day. this, your last day as a "student".
as romantic as our story began, our since is the stuff that every relationship has been and ever will be, but with our own twist. we have had ups, downs, big ups and big downs. as romantic as this day will most likely be for you, my guess is that our future will hold much of the same. ups, downs, big ups and big downs.
i think that i don't tell you enough how proud i am of you. it's so much easier to tell others. and that's not very fair. it's too easy to take you for granted, but i think that is one of our ups. on most days, though, contrary to what may or may not come out of my mouth, i do not take you for granted. the love, patience, stability, caring and understanding you have brought to my life, in my eyes, is the stuff of legend. and i thank you for that.
i think that we are the greatest parents hannah could ever ask for. and that is one of our big ups. it shows in the way she kisses everyone. it shows in how horrible we are at applying discipline. it shows in that it wouldn't make sense for it to be any other way. she is stubborn like the both of us. she looks like you. she makes your faces. she makes you crazy. and me too. but she is ours. and the better for it i am sure.
i think, as i've said before, that i am "the luckiest" when it comes to being a part of your family. your family that is so different than mine, but also very much like it. maybe one day we can write a book on how, in spite of having every last one of the stars of functionality aligned against us, we made it work. that might be fun.
i think that, no matter the vote of your committee, that i will be supportive of you as you begin your next chapter. one that i will be happy and anxious to be a part of. one that who knows how it may read with the both of us having free time on our hands. one that will be interesting and new in every way.
i know that i love you. i know that you are finishing up your presentation right now and are about to convince the doctors in the room with you that you are fit to be in their club. i'll make sure that, since she won't remember, hannah knows how hard you worked for this and her and us, all at the same time. it's too bad that the doctors in the room can't take that into account too. not that you need any more help.
i can't wait to hear how it went.
(sarah's big day)
i guess this day is probably the culmination of every day you've had since i met you. for until today, every day we have known each other has, in a way, been leading to this hour. defending your dissertation. as i sit in your office and type, i can't help but think back on everything that has led you and us to this day. this, your last day as a "student".
as romantic as our story began, our since is the stuff that every relationship has been and ever will be, but with our own twist. we have had ups, downs, big ups and big downs. as romantic as this day will most likely be for you, my guess is that our future will hold much of the same. ups, downs, big ups and big downs.
i think that i don't tell you enough how proud i am of you. it's so much easier to tell others. and that's not very fair. it's too easy to take you for granted, but i think that is one of our ups. on most days, though, contrary to what may or may not come out of my mouth, i do not take you for granted. the love, patience, stability, caring and understanding you have brought to my life, in my eyes, is the stuff of legend. and i thank you for that.
i think that we are the greatest parents hannah could ever ask for. and that is one of our big ups. it shows in the way she kisses everyone. it shows in how horrible we are at applying discipline. it shows in that it wouldn't make sense for it to be any other way. she is stubborn like the both of us. she looks like you. she makes your faces. she makes you crazy. and me too. but she is ours. and the better for it i am sure.
i think, as i've said before, that i am "the luckiest" when it comes to being a part of your family. your family that is so different than mine, but also very much like it. maybe one day we can write a book on how, in spite of having every last one of the stars of functionality aligned against us, we made it work. that might be fun.
i think that, no matter the vote of your committee, that i will be supportive of you as you begin your next chapter. one that i will be happy and anxious to be a part of. one that who knows how it may read with the both of us having free time on our hands. one that will be interesting and new in every way.
i know that i love you. i know that you are finishing up your presentation right now and are about to convince the doctors in the room with you that you are fit to be in their club. i'll make sure that, since she won't remember, hannah knows how hard you worked for this and her and us, all at the same time. it's too bad that the doctors in the room can't take that into account too. not that you need any more help.
i can't wait to hear how it went.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
on this, my 97th post...
(hannah and me, part sixteen)
...i begin to look back on my life as an online journalist (i use that term more than loosely for i am doing no research, fact-checking or follow-up as part of this little webpage). i don't think that i am necessarily a "blogger", if you will. i think a true weblog has a central theme that it comments on and sticks to that theme with more frequency than i post here. i don't really have a central theme. i am all over the place. i do try and relate most of my entries to how they might affect hannah or my family or my friends, but i still think that is a little too broad for this to be a "blog". i think from time to time that this is closer to a diary than anything else. maybe all "blogs" or journals kind of are. but i never kept a diary, and i don't know the rules that define them other than they have to have a lock and a kitty on the front, so that probably doesn't apply here either. i think from this point forward i will consider myself an unsolicited opinionist. for not one of my subjects, muses or inspirations have ever asked for me to take them into consideration. after reading my wrath, some have probably asked otherwise, but oh well. so, i continue to opine unsolicitly...
one of my goals when started this journal was to try and make 100 posts in my first year. i don't know if that is realistic now. i would have to make three more by next tuesday, and who knows if i will find enough time, motivation or venom to make that deadline. maybe by my birthday, though. that would be a reachable goal. we'll see.
for this, my 97th post, i will finish with talking about my daughter. one of the things that is striking to me, comparing her now, almost a 3 year-old, to just a few short months ago is how much more social she is. i know for a fact that she does not get this from me. the older i get, the less social i become. i am sure this regression started at a very early age for me. but for hannah, nowadays, we can talk up seeing kiker, or a visit with heath, or seeing meg at church, or anyone that she remembers and recognizes and it's almost as if she makes it a point to make their day by giving out hugs and high-fives. she doesn't mind playing with strange kids as long as the kids share. she won't wince (as much) when an old person at church wants to squeeze her cheeks. she'll even try on clothes for other kids' grandparents in target if she's asked. i think it is a very special gift to be able to make the person you are connecting with feel like the most important person in the room, and i think she has it. people have told me that she gets this from me, but i don't think so. with me, i have to try. i am a complete introvert that has to work sometimes to come out of my shell. i don't get the feeling that hannah will be that way, and i think she will be the better for it. she already rules her daycare class, and i can't imagine it will be long before she starts captaining a team or running for student council. she makes a daddy very proud.
for hannah and me, this will be a glass half-full day.
(hannah and me, part sixteen)
...i begin to look back on my life as an online journalist (i use that term more than loosely for i am doing no research, fact-checking or follow-up as part of this little webpage). i don't think that i am necessarily a "blogger", if you will. i think a true weblog has a central theme that it comments on and sticks to that theme with more frequency than i post here. i don't really have a central theme. i am all over the place. i do try and relate most of my entries to how they might affect hannah or my family or my friends, but i still think that is a little too broad for this to be a "blog". i think from time to time that this is closer to a diary than anything else. maybe all "blogs" or journals kind of are. but i never kept a diary, and i don't know the rules that define them other than they have to have a lock and a kitty on the front, so that probably doesn't apply here either. i think from this point forward i will consider myself an unsolicited opinionist. for not one of my subjects, muses or inspirations have ever asked for me to take them into consideration. after reading my wrath, some have probably asked otherwise, but oh well. so, i continue to opine unsolicitly...
one of my goals when started this journal was to try and make 100 posts in my first year. i don't know if that is realistic now. i would have to make three more by next tuesday, and who knows if i will find enough time, motivation or venom to make that deadline. maybe by my birthday, though. that would be a reachable goal. we'll see.
for this, my 97th post, i will finish with talking about my daughter. one of the things that is striking to me, comparing her now, almost a 3 year-old, to just a few short months ago is how much more social she is. i know for a fact that she does not get this from me. the older i get, the less social i become. i am sure this regression started at a very early age for me. but for hannah, nowadays, we can talk up seeing kiker, or a visit with heath, or seeing meg at church, or anyone that she remembers and recognizes and it's almost as if she makes it a point to make their day by giving out hugs and high-fives. she doesn't mind playing with strange kids as long as the kids share. she won't wince (as much) when an old person at church wants to squeeze her cheeks. she'll even try on clothes for other kids' grandparents in target if she's asked. i think it is a very special gift to be able to make the person you are connecting with feel like the most important person in the room, and i think she has it. people have told me that she gets this from me, but i don't think so. with me, i have to try. i am a complete introvert that has to work sometimes to come out of my shell. i don't get the feeling that hannah will be that way, and i think she will be the better for it. she already rules her daycare class, and i can't imagine it will be long before she starts captaining a team or running for student council. she makes a daddy very proud.
for hannah and me, this will be a glass half-full day.
Friday, October 13, 2006
a tale of two alice in wonderland's
(andy, this album fucking rocks)
yesterday afternoon, hannah and i made a trip to best buy. my most anticipated album of the year had been released tuesday, and up until last evening, i had not had a chance to make it to the new, easily accessible best buy. the best buy that is not all the way on 280. the best buy that will make my finding music a lot less time consuming. we traveled to best buy with the prime objective being to pick up the new blood brothers record, young machetes. i thought it might be fun to get something for hannah too. her dora "cd" was due back at blockbuster last night, so i started asking her if she might be interested in a new movie. of course, she was. so, before picking up my cd, we went to the disney/kid's movie section and started looking around. hannah was in heaven. all around her were movie boxes that caught her attention and she tried to talk me into buying anything from a curious george movie to dora to diego to little einstein's to winnie the pooh to several disney movies we already have at home thanks to maine. so, i decided that i would pick out a couple and let her choose. i picked her up and started making up my mind when she said, "what's that?". that was alice in wonderland, the head-trippy disney movie that i knew she had not seen yet. i told her the name and she was immediately excited, probably because the first two words in the title sound a lot like one of her aunt's names, allison. so, we picked alice in wonderland, no problem. i got blood brothers, and we were off to the house for hannah to take her first trip down the rabbit hole.
i didn't realize 'til this morning that i was in for a trip myself. i spun through young machetes twice while working out, and it hit me that one of the things that i really like about the blood brothers is that they make no sense. at least on the surface. a trip down blood brothers lane is just like falling down a rabbit hole into a david lynch movie. i am sure they are ranting and venting about something topical and relevant, but it is entirely up to you, the listener, to decipher what the hell they are talking about. it will not be spelled out for you. and i love that. streams of lateral associations of tangential ideas screamed, sung, and talked to you over the top of music that is ripping, spastic and dancy all at the same time. i have waited for this album for months now, and it is a joy to know that i am not disappointed in the slightest. i won't waste too much time on it here today, but you'll hear more about it later. because unless brand new or some band unexpectedly pulls a rabbit through the looking glass, this will be my album of the year.
a side note while i'm on the subject of escapism: there are plenty of lost bloggers out there that will spend much more time on dissecting the series, show by show, so i don't know if i'll comment on each episode. but, after last week's roaring return, this week reminded me of how frustrating watching this show can be. sure, it was good. i am glad i watched it. but nothing really happened. i know, we got to see what happened to sayid and his crew on their ill-fated rescue attempt, but did we really need an episode of sun flashbacks to understand that she's been a liar since she was a kid? i mean, even if she was, doesn't every kid bite their own arm and then blame it on their brother or sister? just because she blamed the maid for breaking the ballerina doesn't necessarily excuse everything she's lied to jin about, does it? oh well, the episode wasn't horrible, but here's hoping next week puts the peddle back to the metal of finding out what happened after the hatch exploded.
(andy, this album fucking rocks)
yesterday afternoon, hannah and i made a trip to best buy. my most anticipated album of the year had been released tuesday, and up until last evening, i had not had a chance to make it to the new, easily accessible best buy. the best buy that is not all the way on 280. the best buy that will make my finding music a lot less time consuming. we traveled to best buy with the prime objective being to pick up the new blood brothers record, young machetes. i thought it might be fun to get something for hannah too. her dora "cd" was due back at blockbuster last night, so i started asking her if she might be interested in a new movie. of course, she was. so, before picking up my cd, we went to the disney/kid's movie section and started looking around. hannah was in heaven. all around her were movie boxes that caught her attention and she tried to talk me into buying anything from a curious george movie to dora to diego to little einstein's to winnie the pooh to several disney movies we already have at home thanks to maine. so, i decided that i would pick out a couple and let her choose. i picked her up and started making up my mind when she said, "what's that?". that was alice in wonderland, the head-trippy disney movie that i knew she had not seen yet. i told her the name and she was immediately excited, probably because the first two words in the title sound a lot like one of her aunt's names, allison. so, we picked alice in wonderland, no problem. i got blood brothers, and we were off to the house for hannah to take her first trip down the rabbit hole.
i didn't realize 'til this morning that i was in for a trip myself. i spun through young machetes twice while working out, and it hit me that one of the things that i really like about the blood brothers is that they make no sense. at least on the surface. a trip down blood brothers lane is just like falling down a rabbit hole into a david lynch movie. i am sure they are ranting and venting about something topical and relevant, but it is entirely up to you, the listener, to decipher what the hell they are talking about. it will not be spelled out for you. and i love that. streams of lateral associations of tangential ideas screamed, sung, and talked to you over the top of music that is ripping, spastic and dancy all at the same time. i have waited for this album for months now, and it is a joy to know that i am not disappointed in the slightest. i won't waste too much time on it here today, but you'll hear more about it later. because unless brand new or some band unexpectedly pulls a rabbit through the looking glass, this will be my album of the year.
a side note while i'm on the subject of escapism: there are plenty of lost bloggers out there that will spend much more time on dissecting the series, show by show, so i don't know if i'll comment on each episode. but, after last week's roaring return, this week reminded me of how frustrating watching this show can be. sure, it was good. i am glad i watched it. but nothing really happened. i know, we got to see what happened to sayid and his crew on their ill-fated rescue attempt, but did we really need an episode of sun flashbacks to understand that she's been a liar since she was a kid? i mean, even if she was, doesn't every kid bite their own arm and then blame it on their brother or sister? just because she blamed the maid for breaking the ballerina doesn't necessarily excuse everything she's lied to jin about, does it? oh well, the episode wasn't horrible, but here's hoping next week puts the peddle back to the metal of finding out what happened after the hatch exploded.
Monday, October 09, 2006
okay, here's the thing...
it's not that i feel like when i turn 30, i feel like i need to "grow up" or "act my age" or "be responsible" or something like that. sure, i have bouts of immaturity and selfishness. i am more than willing to own up to that. but due to circumstances that were beyond my control, i felt like i "grew up" around the age of 16. it wasn't pretty and i didn't ask for it. it just happened. did i have bouts of being 18 and stupid still? sure. did i do things and make decisions at 21 that i wouldn't make now? of course. and maybe, those things and decisions had to do with how old i was. or maybe they had to do with the fact that life is just a series of lessons based on life experience. some people gain that experience younger than others. some people never learn those lessons until it's too late. i know 30 year-olds that still strike me as teenagers. 25/35/45/etc. year-olds that will never understand the world as i see it because we don't share and won't share the same experiences. so, yes, i am turning 30 and that sounds like when i am supposed be "all growed up", but that's not the part of this coming birthday that bothers me.
for about twelve years now, i guess, i've had what i call deathdreams. moments where my mortality flashes through my mind whether i want it to or not and throws me into a sense of panic. as i've gotten older, i've gotten to the point where i can control my deathdreams to a certain extent. at their worst, these flashes would scare me to the pont of calling 911 because i felt like my life was coming to it's premature end. nowadays, i can have a deathdream and fight it off. think about something else. baseball. a funny movie. something. and they'll go away. but they are starting to come more frequently.
and i think that's what it is that i am obsessing over. 30 doesn't sound "old", per se', but it does say that almost half of my life is now traveling behind me in the rearview mirror. what does that mean? well, i guess it just depends on if i am having a glass half-empty or half-full kind of day. mortality is a touchy subject. no one wants to die. we all want to know and feel like things will be ok when the last breath of air leaves our lungs. and on those half-full days, i know they will. i like those days better. the ones that remind me that i'll be reunited with friends i miss. family i haven't seen in ages. for eternity. forever. but the half-empty days are the ones that kill me. the days where i question too much. wonder if what i believe is true or just something i tell myself to get to the next day. hopefully a half-full day. the bad days are the ones that i need to lean on my well-adjusted, intelligent family and friends. sarah and kiker and andy and chris and my dad are all really smart. they believe the way i do. that life ending here doesn't mean it's ending. it just means you don't have any more half-empty days. ever.
right? i like that my faith has grown to the point where i can fight off my deathdreams with vigor. i hope that i can pass on some of that strength to sarah and hannah and others in my life that will deal with their own deathdreams and questions.
but i do hope you will pardon me on my half-empty days. the days that are coming with more frequency when i think about turning 30. the days where i am not so sure. the days that i am very scared and don't feel very confident in my abilities to be the person you can count on to lift you up.
on those days, i may need you to lift me up.
and i am ok with that.
it's not that i feel like when i turn 30, i feel like i need to "grow up" or "act my age" or "be responsible" or something like that. sure, i have bouts of immaturity and selfishness. i am more than willing to own up to that. but due to circumstances that were beyond my control, i felt like i "grew up" around the age of 16. it wasn't pretty and i didn't ask for it. it just happened. did i have bouts of being 18 and stupid still? sure. did i do things and make decisions at 21 that i wouldn't make now? of course. and maybe, those things and decisions had to do with how old i was. or maybe they had to do with the fact that life is just a series of lessons based on life experience. some people gain that experience younger than others. some people never learn those lessons until it's too late. i know 30 year-olds that still strike me as teenagers. 25/35/45/etc. year-olds that will never understand the world as i see it because we don't share and won't share the same experiences. so, yes, i am turning 30 and that sounds like when i am supposed be "all growed up", but that's not the part of this coming birthday that bothers me.
for about twelve years now, i guess, i've had what i call deathdreams. moments where my mortality flashes through my mind whether i want it to or not and throws me into a sense of panic. as i've gotten older, i've gotten to the point where i can control my deathdreams to a certain extent. at their worst, these flashes would scare me to the pont of calling 911 because i felt like my life was coming to it's premature end. nowadays, i can have a deathdream and fight it off. think about something else. baseball. a funny movie. something. and they'll go away. but they are starting to come more frequently.
and i think that's what it is that i am obsessing over. 30 doesn't sound "old", per se', but it does say that almost half of my life is now traveling behind me in the rearview mirror. what does that mean? well, i guess it just depends on if i am having a glass half-empty or half-full kind of day. mortality is a touchy subject. no one wants to die. we all want to know and feel like things will be ok when the last breath of air leaves our lungs. and on those half-full days, i know they will. i like those days better. the ones that remind me that i'll be reunited with friends i miss. family i haven't seen in ages. for eternity. forever. but the half-empty days are the ones that kill me. the days where i question too much. wonder if what i believe is true or just something i tell myself to get to the next day. hopefully a half-full day. the bad days are the ones that i need to lean on my well-adjusted, intelligent family and friends. sarah and kiker and andy and chris and my dad are all really smart. they believe the way i do. that life ending here doesn't mean it's ending. it just means you don't have any more half-empty days. ever.
right? i like that my faith has grown to the point where i can fight off my deathdreams with vigor. i hope that i can pass on some of that strength to sarah and hannah and others in my life that will deal with their own deathdreams and questions.
but i do hope you will pardon me on my half-empty days. the days that are coming with more frequency when i think about turning 30. the days where i am not so sure. the days that i am very scared and don't feel very confident in my abilities to be the person you can count on to lift you up.
on those days, i may need you to lift me up.
and i am ok with that.
Friday, October 06, 2006
closing in on 30
(less than one month to go)
"some shows you watch. some shows you talk about." i have heard this more than once, but i read it again thursday in a commentary on ew.com about lost. i am still digesting just how much i enjoyed the season premiere wednesday night, but i keep thinking about how totally appropriate this quote is as it applies to this show. i watch a lot of shows and enjoy them at the time. sportscenter. earl. office. others. but lost is different. after watching the show and sleeping on it, all i wanted to do was talk about it. the amazing opening sequence that introduced us, the viewers, to othersville. the new character, juliet, who i am already on record as saying she is going to hook up sometime in the future with jack after kate and sawyer end up with each other. the way the show could make me totally forget until it was over that 75 percent of the original cast and the aftermath of the hatch explosion weren't even touched on in the new season's first episode. i also said out loud that the premiere was great and frustrating as only lost can be. absolutely nothing was resolved. even more questions were raised. but stuff was going on the whole time. and it was great. i can't wait 'til next wed.
alabama is really mediocre and i am finding myself more and more drawn to florida, tim tebow and percy harvin. go gators??? wow. who knew i'd ever feel that way.
i am starting to get nervous about turning 30. i really am. most of my closest friends have already been there and done that, so hopefully i can lean on them for help through this, my anxiety. i don't know what i am nervous about. 30 is just i number. i know this. but it feels like a new chapter is about to begin. something is about to change. i have an idea of what it is, but i don't know how in the world it's going to unfold. we'll see, though. it's weird to think back on my life at 30. i remember so little for having been alive 30 years, but the memories i do have seem to be the kind that i'll carry with me when i am 60 too if i am lucky enough to get that far. i guess those are the best kind of memories.
i can already feel more posts about turning 30 coming, so i'll save some of my ruminating for later. when i feel more anxious. maybe i'll be so sick of obsessing about turning 30 and typing 30 that the actual day will come and go and everything will seem ok. i don't want to be too annoying with it, but it is my journal i guess.
(less than one month to go)
"some shows you watch. some shows you talk about." i have heard this more than once, but i read it again thursday in a commentary on ew.com about lost. i am still digesting just how much i enjoyed the season premiere wednesday night, but i keep thinking about how totally appropriate this quote is as it applies to this show. i watch a lot of shows and enjoy them at the time. sportscenter. earl. office. others. but lost is different. after watching the show and sleeping on it, all i wanted to do was talk about it. the amazing opening sequence that introduced us, the viewers, to othersville. the new character, juliet, who i am already on record as saying she is going to hook up sometime in the future with jack after kate and sawyer end up with each other. the way the show could make me totally forget until it was over that 75 percent of the original cast and the aftermath of the hatch explosion weren't even touched on in the new season's first episode. i also said out loud that the premiere was great and frustrating as only lost can be. absolutely nothing was resolved. even more questions were raised. but stuff was going on the whole time. and it was great. i can't wait 'til next wed.
alabama is really mediocre and i am finding myself more and more drawn to florida, tim tebow and percy harvin. go gators??? wow. who knew i'd ever feel that way.
i am starting to get nervous about turning 30. i really am. most of my closest friends have already been there and done that, so hopefully i can lean on them for help through this, my anxiety. i don't know what i am nervous about. 30 is just i number. i know this. but it feels like a new chapter is about to begin. something is about to change. i have an idea of what it is, but i don't know how in the world it's going to unfold. we'll see, though. it's weird to think back on my life at 30. i remember so little for having been alive 30 years, but the memories i do have seem to be the kind that i'll carry with me when i am 60 too if i am lucky enough to get that far. i guess those are the best kind of memories.
i can already feel more posts about turning 30 coming, so i'll save some of my ruminating for later. when i feel more anxious. maybe i'll be so sick of obsessing about turning 30 and typing 30 that the actual day will come and go and everything will seem ok. i don't want to be too annoying with it, but it is my journal i guess.
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