resolutions

(2013)

2012 was the first time in a long time that i didn’t post new year’s resolutions. i usually get to them toward then end of january anyway, and the end of january, 2012 was when we all know i got reintroduced to the cancer thing. not only did it throw off the resolutions on the blog, but it threw off the blog, on the whole, for about 10 months. only when we got to the end of the year did i get back to writing with any consistency, and, even then, it was shrouded with cancer this and chemo that. all relevant to my life-living, for sure, but you can only say so many times how shitty you feel before even you stop being interested in hearing about it, yourself. i’m starting to get tired of hearing about it.

so, it’s time to get back on the wagon, and it’s time to “get busy living” with at least as much moxy as i spent the lion’s share of the last year “get(ting) busy dying”.  ten resolutions. ten goals. ten ways to make 2013 a better place than 2012.

1) don’t die – i  always start with this. and, in a haunting way, i know that the one year that i fail will be my last, but, here’s the deal. i don’t want to die. not this year. maybe not ever. i don’t know that i’ll ever be ready to die. for 33 years, i took life for granted. i would live ‘til i was 85-95. i’d struggle getting around, and then i’d pass in my sleep. so naïve. every year up until 2009, i didn’t actively have to fight for my life. and then i did. cancer grew. we cut it out. 2010 and ’11 were a little more stable and had more psychological conflict than physical. 2012, i got back in the ring. cancer grew. again. we cut it out. again. and then the chemotherapy started. and it’s been an active fight not to die ever since. the first five months of 2013 are going to be hard, but if they help me “don’t die”, fuck it. i’ll take it.

2) be more positive…about everything – how often am i critical versus how often do i offer praise? if this blog can be considered a sample, the proof is right here on this site. now, i am not alone. as humans, we want people to know what grinds our gears in a way that we don’t when it comes to what makes us happy. i don’t really get it, but it’s just the way it happens. being happy takes work. saying you’re happy takes work. finding new ways to be happy takes work. telling other people positive things takes work. in the end, is the work worth it? data suggests it is. i am sitting in the louisville airport right now waiting on a flight out and away from the pet supplies plus yearly summit. our motivational speaker spent a lot of his time and energy on the power of positive reinforcement. he suggested that to make the same emotional impact on a person as just one criticism, you must give five praises. ridiculous. that sounds so hard. but the more thought i give to it, it sounds worth it. i hardly ever go out of my way to say nice things to my family or my friends or my employees. on the other hand, i yell and scream and bitch at all of them like it’s going out of style. granted, my temper is shorter than usual, but the fuse being short shouldn’t dictate the amount of anger that tends to pour out of me at the drop of a hat. i need to change this. hannah and caroline are both old enough to log my tantrums into their long-term memory banks. and that’s fine. every parent gets mad. every parent will yell. what i’ve got to do is find a way to balance out all that negativity. ideally, not only could i balance it out, but what if, at the end of the year, my kids and friends and employees could tell you that they felt more appreciated this year than they did last? it would make their world better. and it would make my world better. all around. i don’t know how i’ll quantify the results of this one at the end of the year to grade myself as pass or fail, but i’ve got to be better at this. for everyone around me.

3) run the vulcan 10k – this one includes a lot of work, but the essence is this. i felt better about myself when i was running. i was healthier and in a better mood. i loved being lean and as in shape at 35 as i ever in my life had been. i won’t be able to run, more than likely, ‘til the end of may. but that should give me plenty of time to get back to 10k strength, and that will be a great achievement for me.

4) help get humc a proper vision statement – this one should happen soon, but it’s no less an important goal for me. our long range planning committee has been working on and off for almost two years now on this project, trying to answer the question, “who is huffman united methodist church?” we think we have done our due diligence as a committee and we think we are fairly representative of the church, in general. this sunday, we take our recommendations to the portion of the church who have genuine interest in the future of our congregation and we’ll see if they agree or disagree. if they agree, we'll move forward with a quickness. If not, well, we’ll cross that bridge if it happens.

5) don’t get fat – those that have followed my resolutions for years should be proud of me that this isn’t number two per usual. my vanity has taken quite the hit over the last few years, but it’s not gone completely. fat and i just don’t get along. not exercising the way i’ve wanted to and i don’t get along. not eating as much as i damn well please and i don’t get along. either way, i’ve learned to use a phrase these last five months that i used to make fun of. “portion control”. instead of eating two or three servings of whatever at dinner because i had already burned 750 calories earlier in the day, i now may not finish everything on my plate, because i am already at my arbitrary calorie limit for the day. sad, but true. dammit, i am not getting fat.

6) do something other than bitch about guns – this one is going to take some work, but i don’t know what else to do. facebook, twitter, this blog and the like are great outlets for my whining, but it’s not going to change anything other than a very few minds. i don’t want to take your guns. or your rights. or your hunting privileges. but the backlash against the idea of gun control makes me want to fucking vomit. i get stat-ripped bullshit about hammers and bats and drunk driving. it’s not that i don’t want people not to die from hammers, it’s just that stat-ripping me about hammers makes you sound like a moron that is more in love with your gun than being a part of a solution to save one precious and fragile life from being blown away. i don’t have tons of disposable time, but i’d like to find a local and impactful way to get on the front line of a solution, not just offering my opinions from afar.

7) get limbo out of room 217 – firstly, this isn’t all on me, i get that. i think limbo has grown up and away from being kevin’s little baby, so maybe i should amend the wording. help get limbo out of room 217 at the church. we love our sunday morning time. we love our christmas parties. we love whenever we see each other, but we need to do more. from the jump, we’ve wanted to find ways to affect our world around us in relevant ways. my health and, well, just life have impacted that progress, but i think we’re ready to make it happen again. the conversation started anew without me last week. i can’t wait to get back and enter the fray next sunday and see what we can accomplish this year.

8) blog more – i mean, why not, right? this should be a gimme considering how low the number of posts were last year, but i am not putting this on the list for it to be a gimme. i am putting it on the list because i love to write. some posts, i am on. some posts, i am not. but i need to get back to it. because i like it. and because i want to get better. write. write to make sense. write to make sense to others. and write to give my girls what they deserve. a better understanding of who their daddy was when they weren’t aware that he did anything other than work, spend time with them, and go to falcons games.

9) for the love of sweet baby jesus, go see lebron games play in person – i think i’ve failed on this one two or three times by now, and that is ridiculous. he plays one or two games in atlanta every flipping year. i don’t want to see lebron when he’s a shell of his former self playing pick up games at the civic center in birmingham. i need to see him now, while he’s flash fucking gordon.

10) keep fuck(ing) this cancer shit – cancer will always be a part of me now, even if it’s not in me at the moment (i hope). but “fuck this cancer shit” isn’t just about the now. it’s not just about getting through the chemo phase of the program. it’s not just about praying for and hoping for another clean scan come may. the whole #ftcs thing, for me, has become a lifestyle. it’s become a coming out party of sorts. life is too short, man, to not make a difference. to not ruffle some feathers. to not call people out on their irrational obama bullshit or how cracked people get about tarnishing the legacy of the sweet baby jesus. for me, “fuck this cancer shit” doesn’t spit in people’s faces. it doesn’t mean to be disrespectful. it just may mean that your worldview doesn’t match up to mine and we need to figure out how to work that shit out. not for me. not for you. but for the betterment of us. and our world. and our future. it’s way past time to redefine what is unusual. to redefine appropriate. to redefine taboo. what the fuck matters in this world other than actively loving others and actively loving the ones we care about the most the best we possibly can? to me, “fuck this cancer shit” will mean being the best that i can possibly be, in every situation i can control, and coming out at the end of 2013 with a feeling of accomplishment that i haven’t had in years.

happy january, and make a resolution. challenge me on mine. go get yours.         

#ftcs

"moving forward and letting go"


that was going to be the theme for 2011. at least, so i said way back in january. i am not really sure how that all worked out, but, maybe by the end of this post, i'll have a better idea.

was i everything i wanted to be this year? was i the best father i could be? was i the best lay leader? was i the best boss? probably "no" on all counts, but maybe i'll give myself an "a" for effort. maybe you won't.

let the grading of the resolutions begin. for full context and an all expenses paid trip back to HACAJAM, circa january, click here.

1) don't die - done, unless something really crazy happens in the next three hours. happenstances in and around our family have me less interested in joking about death tonight, so i won't. i am thankful that i am alive. i am thankful that i have my family and friends around me. i am sad for my wife and her family that is dealing with something incredibly hard and painful and fucking horrible right now. lamar wade, a gentle soul that was never anything but nice to me. we talked about church, religion, his children, his children's children and my children over many thanksgiving and easter lunches. my life is more wise and more grounded for the very few opportunities i had to be around him. godspeed into what is waiting for you, lamar. we'll see you soon.

...

don't die? check. thank god. i am still not ready to leave this place. not for a long time i hope.

2) see fewer doctors - check. "moving forward and letting go". every time i go to the bathroom, i still wonder if i'll pee blood again. every time something on the left side of my back tweaks or twinges, i wonder if it's alerting me to something dreadfully wrong. this year, though, in contrast to 2010, i didn't go see a specialist every time something scared me. i swallowed the fear, looked at myself in the figurative mirror, and told kevin michael o'kelley to get busy living. some days, it worked better than others. some days, it didn't really work. but i did see fewer doctors. i saw my urologist once way back in january. i saw my primary care doctor twice. dermatologist once. that's it. well, that's it unless you count my two very recent visits to my new chiropractor. that has less to do with fear than it does with my hope to be able to continue running for a long, long time. two for two.

3) don't get fat - back in february at the first visit with my pcp, i weighed in at either 188 or 191. i couldn't really tell, but it didn't really matter. either number would be the heaviest i had ever been and that number accompanied with the doctor's nurse saying, "it looks like you had some extra cake over the holidays", was all it took. i got in the car, called sarah and told her that the nurse called me fat, and i vowed things would change. my running had started. i then decided that i would no longer eat, too. well, i ate, but i drastically changed my habits. i swore off of fast food. i ate one to two very small meals a day. and i ran. and ran. and ran. and ran. the weight dropped off. i saw results, so i kept not eating. and running. by the time i went back to the doctor, i had dropped thirty pounds and was as lean and in shape as i had ever been in my life. it wasn't the healthiest diet or way to go i don't guess, but i've found a good place now. aside from the aches and pains associated with the running, i feel great. i raised my good cholesterol and lowered my bad. don't get fat? i guess i was kind of fat at the beginning of 2011. tonight? not so much.

4) run - yeah, i did that. what started in the dead of winter as a random ass idea grew into something quite serious. i couldn't run a mile without stopping for the first month. now, i can run six miles and have something left in the tank. what a crazy, crazy transformation. i am very proud of myself with this one, maybe more proud than most resolutions i've documented on this blog. a lot of people claim to run. not many people are runners. i am runner now. son. of a. bitch.

5) find kiker and andy again - hmm...mixed results on this one. i got to see both this year. kiker and i will play softball i would guess until our bodies no longer let us do that together. i was able to help andy out through a tough spot and we worked together for a couple months. there was more to this resolution when i made it than those things, though. what i missed in january and what i miss now is feeling close and connected to my two closest guy friends in ways that don't only involve softball or facebook. when we get together, the chemistry that we've always had makes it easier to feel like it hasn't been months since we last saw each other. but still, months continue to pass without us seeing each other, and i haven't been able to fix it. i still want to, but this is my first miss. here's to better results next year.

6) buy some freaking music - fail. fail. FAIL. i bought some music, but when i made this resolution, i meant buy music like i used to buy music. one or two records a month. find new artists. turn andy or amy onto those new artists. rinse. repeat. i just didn't. i bought several that i really liked. kanye and jay-z. the wonder years. childish gambino. but i don't think i bought more than ten all year. and that's just sad. it's also a miss.

7) see julio play in a football game - wrought out of the pain of losing julio to the pros, in january, most mock drafts had julio headed to st. louis, cleveland, or cincinatti. all i wanted was to think that once we knew what team he'd play for, we could schedule one road trip to tennessee or atlanta if he came through one of those cities and see him play pro ball during his rookie season. the rest, of course, is already documented. draft night came. the falcons traded up. they picked julio. we got season tickets that night. julio missed two games we attended and parts of two others due to injury, but this one, we covered. see julio play in a football game? after tomorrow, we'll have seen six.

8) help move limbo into its next phase - "the goal is for limbo to stay fresh and exciting and kinetic in a way that will motivate our established base to include even more of our friends and family as we move towards a productive calendar year." 

i don't know if i am the best judge for this one. then again, of course i am. it's hard because i don't know if this one was a success. if we measured our success on the attendance of our christmas party, then limbo is healthy and relevant and vital to more people this year than it was last year. i am worried that our routine on sundays and throughout the rest of the year may be becoming stale. stale is probably the wrong word. predictable, maybe? not exciting? i don't know. i still very much look forward to limbo every week. i get more, spiritually, out of those conversations than i do with any other part of my week. i just would like to think limbo would move along fine without me, even if i don't really want to move along without it. i am not sure if we are there yet. but i do think we are close. i am rating this one a push. 

9) don't be a lame duck lay leader - fail. fail. FAIL. i knew entering 2011 that i would have no interest in continuing in the role of lay leader past my third year. what i didn't see until it was too late was that i didn't have a whole lot of interest in continuing in the role. period. at least, not every part of the role. i enjoyed being a voice in the room of conversations that looked ahead into the future of humc. i didn't enjoy feeling hamstrung by the same cycle of reluctance to change that we faced in the beginning of 2009. by the time the second half of this year rolled around, i didn't think i was the right person for the job. i didn't hear anyone tell me otherwise, and so, i am moving on. early on during next month, i'll take a closer look at the job we did in the last three years, but if my goal was to not be a lame duck lay leader in 2011, it was a goal i did not achieve. i truly appreciate the opportunity that was given to me by 19 voters in the fall of 2008. i will continue to be a voice for change and rethinking church here and around the campus. i will be honored to continue to serve on sprc. third miss of the year. 

10) get a dog - funny that i ended this year's list with "get a dog". i think this one had more to do with the hope that we moved into a bigger house. and that was before we added a third baby girl to our already crowded abode. i did like the thought of having a man's best friend again. now? not so much. not that i don't like the idea of our girls having a dog to pal around with in our future back yard. first, though, we've got to get that new back yard. fourth miss. 

so, the final tally? five for. four against. one undecided. not bad. not great. all in all, i'll take it. 

2011 will go down, ultimately, as the year we found june. and that is a wonderful thing. 

"moving forward and letting go". 

i am not sure that any one thing is more complimentary of that idea than introducing a new human being to this world. the operative word feels to be "moving". i am not past my fears. and i am not complacent enough to be one of those people that says life moves by too fast. i am somewhere in between. learning to be a father of three. a better husband. a better friend. a better boss. 

moving forward. letting go. 

just keep swimming. 

the resolution most likely to fail
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part forty-five))


back on tuesday, january 25th, i played cocky with my new year's resolution number "4", which was to "run". i even called it a gimme, which was completely freaking ridiculous. it was a way of self-motivating myself to believe in something that, on that day, i didn't truly believe. yes, i had bought running shoes. yes, it seemed like a good idea at the time. yes, i felt, physically, i was ready to try something different than my tried and true "rocky training montage" that i've been doing three times a week since caroline kicked me out of my workout room and sent my bench and most of my free weights to some dude who i am sure has pawned them by now. i was ready to do something different, but i didn't know if i could.

as i've said to many friends and others that didn't care to hear in the last two months, i have never, read: NEVER IN MY LIFE, run when it wasn't attached to some stick or ball sport. and even when i did, i didn't like it. mind you, i didn't consider myself lazy. i didn't shortcut any of the conditioning that the activity i was participating in asked of me, but i didn't go any farther than i had to either. running seemed like a waste of time. i had a young man's metabolism burning away all the fat and poor diet choices i made for the greater portion of my adult life. i was fine with the exercise that i got, which in the last ten years had consisted of either my old free weight program, my newer rocky training montage, six months of softball one night a week and three months of basketball one night a week. not a whole lot, if any, of cardio mixed in. i wasn't unhealthy. i wasn't fat. i wasn't partaking in anything illicit, unless you considered the occasional kiker burger a drug (some do). i wasn't even close to optimizing the potential for health that my body still had in it, though. sending one kidney to the dump, you would've thought, would've triggered my awakening. i am sure to some degree, at least indirectly, it did. but it's not what kick-started the running program.

remembering back to november, i was probably heavier than i've ever been. around 184 pounds. i remember my primary doctor visit vividly, because, after i stepped on the scales, the kind young nurse said, "ooh. looks like someone ate a little extra birthday cake this year." in a minor win, i didn't call her any names, because she didn't call me one. in so many words, though, i heard, "ease up, fatty." my blood pressure registered a little higher than normal and the doctor decided to schedule another check-up for early february, just to make sure it wasn't something they were going to have to keep an eye on. i went back shortly after making out my resolutions. about two weeks and three or four runs into what i still wasn't sure was something i really wanted to do. i had gained three more pounds, maybe five. i wasn't sure, because the same kind nurse didn't make any comments and i couldn't make out her handwriting on the last number. my blood pressure checked out fine that day. so did my kidney function. i set up another visit six months down the road. rather than dwelling on the two small victories, i did what i do best. i found something negative. i called sarah and told her i was fat. it was settled. whether i liked it or not, i was going to run and i was going to be more healthy. i was also going to lose weight, which i am told to this afternoon, isn't always "healthy". we'll debate that on a later post.

i give a lot of credit to meg denson. she ran her first 5K in the freezing temperature of winter last year. in the beginning of my efforts toward the spring portion of the running resolution, i told myself on many days that if meg could do it, i could do it. i told her of my new goal. she said that she would like to get back in the habit of running herself. a couple weeks later, we talked and she mentioned the flapjack 5K in trussville on march 26th. as overwhelming as it seemed at the time, somewhere mid-february probably, we said we'd do it.

along the way, we picked up partners in crime. jacob sutton (jacob, playing the role of my expert and answerer of most of my questions, given his cross country experience in high school), katie gibson, amy gibson, and philip gibson all shared in the idea that running would be good for them. sometimes one of the above would run with me. sometimes, several. sometimes, it would just be me. i feel qualified enough having been doing this for two months now that i can safely say that doing it alone sucks. having a partner with me was and is exceptionally motivating, even if we weren't always training at the same pace. knowing that they would see me if i slowed or stopped running to walk for a bit was a shameful nudge towards pushing harder and pushing farther. as we got closer to the date, we put vaughn banks in a corner and dared him not to join our tribe. vaughn, being the freak he is, didn't have to train with us mortals. vaughn ran a 5K in 24 minutes in early march cold turkey. we badgered him about it, but, really, we were all just jealous that it seemed to come so easy. when vaughn started his move towards the flapjack, he immediately jumped to jacob sutton level training, and they left us behind to champion their efforts and proudly claim them part of our team, even if we didn't deserve them.

moral support came from several different places, too. meg's husband, reagan, was a proud cheerleader throughout the entire two months. sarah never once gave me a hard time about leaving on a sunday afternoon to go run for an hour and then come home to complain. amy and katie's mom championed our effort and was there (along with christina tidmore) to show her support at the race.

the flapjack 5K came on saturday, and all seven of us that participated (eight if you count nicole oglesby, repping for humc, herself) reached our goals. all seven ran the entire course. all seven posted our best outdoor times (that i know of) in the two months leading up to the race. it was a spectacular success made even more spectacular because we did it together. personally, i finished 54th out of close to 200 racers. (here are the results)

the flapjack isn't the end of the running. really, i hope it's just the beginning. i took sunday and monday off as a celebration, but went back to the indoor uab track with amy today. i ran 3.1 miles (approx 5K) in 27:34, two full minutes faster than my outdoor run on saturday. amy and i walked around the track, happy to run without the expectations of the flapjack looming, that freedom and the predictable conditions inside helping us both achieve personal bests. we walked two times around the track, then we ran another mile just for the hell of it.

meg has already eyed the vulcan 10K in october as our next carrot on the stick. after today's run, that seems totally attainable. who would've thought that way back on january 25th. i sure wouldn't have. and i wouldn't have been able to do it without my friends.

thank you to everyone mentioned above in this post, for making this journey with me. thank you to my girls for being there with there big honkin' smiles at the finish line on saturday. i love you all.

'til the next race.

p.s. - today, march 29th, i weighed 170.4 lbs.

like. a. boss.

i resolve
(2011)


"i'm so used to shooting myself in the kneecaps, standing in the way of progress and letting down my friends..."

if 2010 was the year i faced my fears, 2011 will be about moving forward and letting go. it's not exactly january one. i get that, but this post was never going to be properly based in my reality until after i had my 18 months-out scan. had the scan i now have, and i am super happy to report (granted, HACAM is late to the story...facebook got the exclusive) that my remaining kidney was, in the words of my doctor, "working like a champ" and there were "no surprises" to be found. so, what does that mean, exactly? well, for one, it means i can take another deep breath. for two, it means that i can go to the bathroom for a few months without the fear of seeing blood in my urine. it may sound silly, but, let me tell you, i will never take going to the bathroom and everything being "normal" for granted for the rest of my life. that last tuesday's scan gave me the peace of mind to not worry about that type of thing, if even for a little while, it was worth it. for three, and this is probably the most important realization i've come to in the last seven days, it would seem to me (me, of course, catching up with the rest of my world) that i am currently cancer-free. now, a more rational person may argue, "but, kevin, weren't you technically cancer-free on july 23rd of 2009 when they removed that rotten kidney from your abdomen?" the rational person, it has been proven, would be correct. that's not the way i've viewed things for the last 18 months, though. the way i've seen it, if there was one bad cell in my body that could grow into many bad cells that could grow into a tumor, surely there were more of those bad cells lurking in my body and had only yet to be found. for 18 months, i've been waiting, not so patiently, for the "other shoe" to drop, having one of my many tests or scans to show me what i had already convinced myself of to be true. that i still had cancer. but, the thing is, i didn't. or, i don't. what everyone else knew that i couldn't own was the form of cancer that was inside of my body had a relatively simple curative treatment if the cancer was contained, which mine was. remove the kidney. the pathology report showed that the cancer was isolated, it had not reached the margins of the organ and i was to "celebrate" my good news. i just. couldn't. do it. what about my chemo? what about my radiation? i haven't even seen an oncologist! this isn't how cancer goes! but, for me. it did. over the last seven days, i've started to realize what's been true now for 18 months. i was fucking lucky. and i don't have cancer. if something had spread from my kidney tumor, it would have manifested itself somewhere else by now. it hasn't. thank you, god. does last tuesday's test mean i will never be sick again in my life or that i'll never have to fight off something else somewhere down the road? no, of course it doesn't. but what it does mean is i am back with the rest of you. my risk is no greater. my chances are no higher. everything left behind in my urological system is ticking as it should. "no surprises" were found. i guess my physical story has been about the same for 18 months now. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do. i'll still worry about stupid things. i did that before june of 2009. i'll still be hyper-aware of things that are changing in and with my body. that's just me. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do, but i am just about caught up. hey there, friends. my name is kevin o'kelley. nice to see you again.

to the list...

1) don't die - you didn't think the above would let this baby slip from number one, did you? something haunting hit me as i was mentally outlining today's post. that being, if i kept "don't die" on my resolutions list every year, one year i was going to fail and not be able to write about the lessons i had learned from the failure afterward. i am still nowhere comfortable with the thought of moving on to whatever is next. maybe, if i am lucky enough to be around in 25 years, "don't die" will have slid down to, like, number 7. in 2011? it's numero uno.

2) see fewer doctors - in the last 18-ish months, i have had the following: 4 abdominal ct scans (the first one that found the tumor), 4 chest x-rays, 1 chest ct (required because of the motion artifact of july, 2010), 1 brain scan (a "peace of mind scan" that my primary care doctor allowed and set up for me because my post-operation dizziness had me convinced that i had a brain tumor), 3 moles removed at the dermatologist (surely you didn't think i would automatically rule skin cancer out.) 1 set of glasses issued (i started seeing noticing floaters shortly after my surgery, which prompted a visit to an eye doctor. i was certain i had something dreadfully wrong, "eye tumors" if you will) that i never wear but note every time i squint i should probably give them a try (what? i went to the optometrist to make sure i didn't have "eye tumors", not to get glasses!), many blood tests, i've been on and now off the anti-depressant, lexapro, i 've been poked, prodded, listened to and lectured by at least 5, maybe 6 different doctors. it's time to cut that number back a little bit. schaeffer eye center keeps calling me to make sure i come back in for my yearly visit. i should go and do that. sarah's gonna make me get more moles cut off toward the end of the year at that annual trip, and i am guessing i'll have to visit my pcp at least a couple times, but cutting many doctor's visits down to a few would be a giant step forward. 

3) don't get fat - "don't get fat" reappears after a one year absence from the list. the reason? i keep putting on weight. at my last two pcp checkups, my weight was higher than the previous visit. adding insult to that injury, i did a body mass test on the wii a couple weeks ago and it, too, told me i had gained weight. now, obviously, i am not fat...yet, but i've come to realize that if i don't start eating a little better, i think, for the first time in my life, i could be. whether it's my metabolism slowing down a little or a combination of that and bad food choices, 2011 will be the year that i take my body back and intimidate you all with my level of fitness. which brings us to number 4...

4) run - what. the. fuck? seriously, if you had told me five year's ago that i would have "run" on a resolutions list, i would've laughed at you and told you to pass me another hot dog. no, really. pass me a hot dog. with chili. and onions. and extra cheese. slaw, too, please. dunk that motherscratcher in gravy with a side of sweet heat chips and then (and only then) could you explain to me how in five years i would think that adding "run" to my list of resolutions would be a good idea. but, here we are. and i am going to do it. at this point, i have to. i've already bought running shoes. i've committed. and so, the specific goal will be this. run in at least one 5k by the end of the spring and a 10k by the end of the fall. after my first "run" on sunday left me looking for a neighbor's trash can to vomit in, i know i've got a long way to go. if you ask me, though, this one is going to be a gimme.

5) find kiker and andy again - this one is hard, because it's unexpected as well. i am not sure how i lost tangible touch with two of my closest friends of my last ten years, but it happened. we've had long bouts of not being able to hang before, but we always had football season to look forward to. then, this year happened. and came. and went without us getting together if only for one bama blowout. it's takes two to tango. i know this. and i understand my prioritizing limbo over some baptist cult in palmerdale (don't gasp...they'll know i'm kidding) has played a significant role in the lack of hang-time, but i do miss them. and i miss them in a way that facebook is never going to be able to solve. here's hoping i can find a way to make this a win by the end of the year, with a genuine hope that we can make it happen sooner rather than later.

6) buy some freaking music - talk about slowing to a halt. one of the early staples of HACAM was the year end "best of my music" list, but we've had to discontinue that effort because i rarely buy any new music anymore, which is completely ridiculous. at 34, do i really want to already be that guy that has stopped listening to and looking for new artists? that guy that is now certain there will never be another band as kick-ass as blood brothers or bearvsshark once were. i don't want to be that guy, but i was that guy in 2010. my favorite album in 2010? fucking yeezy??? a kanye record??? have i lost my mind??? maybe, but maybe 2011 will be the year that saves me from myself. with new records on the horizon from blink, yellowcard, brand new, panic at the disco, fun, thrice, green day, taking back sunday and manchester orchestra among others, surely i can find room in my cd changer for more than the 7 or 8 records, total, that i spent money on last year. 

7) see julio play in a football game - over the last couple of years, this type of resolution would, obviously, be tied to heading to bryant-denny to see the tide, but sarah and i (and amy and katie) have gotten back in the habit of making it to at least one alabama game per season. the resolution is altogether different this year. as we all know now, julio is taking his talents to "what's soon to be my new favorite nfl team". there is a pretty good chance that whatever team drafts him will find their way through either atlanta or nashville. if they do (or even if they don't), i want to drive/fly to see him, blow him a kiss from the stands and tell him how much i still love him. hugs.

8) help move limbo into it's next phase - there is no confidential name or strategy to this one, merely the want to make sure limbo doesn't revel in her successful launch last year and stop moving forward. considering we've already helped out with one mission project in our daycare, committed to another this coming saturday and have tentative plans for a spin-off that's not really a spin-off bible study in the works, this one is well on it's way. every ministry in every church runs through its respective "dog days", though, where the temptation is to do what's minimally required for several weeks and justify the stagnant waters by saying "it's our time to recharge and refocus". the goal is for limbo to stay fresh and exciting and kinetic in a way that will motivate our established base to include even more of our friends and family as we move towards a productive calendar year.

9) don't be a lame duck lay leader - with the church in the early, survey stages of the natural church development effort, this one could be tricky. i want to be patient and let the process take hold and begin to work in our church in a way we haven't allowed in our two previous attempts. on the other hand, it's a valid concern that most everything completely stopped moving in the month of january to await the results of the first survey. here's hoping that the 30 members that are answering the questions are honest, and here's hoping that the congregation can hear the results in a less defensive way than we have in the past. as part of this resolution, the long range planning committee needs to offer the church a mission statement before spring and lay leadership needs to empower functionality in our committees that have, mostly, been laid to waste by our dysfunctional and overextended previous structure.

10) get a dog - while it sounds simple enough, this one is highly conditional. for us to have a dog, we also must move into a new and bigger house. each passing birthday or holiday, our home magically shrinks just a little. and while we love our home, all four of us are starting to see the benefits of graduating into something a little more room-y. sarah started pining for a new house late last year. i have a feeling, after hosting several little girls for hannah's belated birthday sleepover this coming weekend, the motivation may be renewed. at any rate, back to the goal at hand, i really like owning a dog. since kammie passed, it has never stopped feeling weird to look out into the backyard and see it empty and alone. i think i am ready for another "man's best friend", but only if the condition of upgrading our home is met first.

well, that's it. that's this year's list. every single one of these will require intentional effort and concern to be met, and every single one would make me a happier and healthier person if i could claim "victory" at the end of the year.

for those of you that are worried, no, of course i haven't forgotten about sarah and the girls. they are and will always remain my number one priority (no offense, g-o-d. i just choose to see you as part of all of it). rather than using them as a gimmick or a gimme and including them on my list, they can rest assured that i will take care of them as best i know how.

"so i'm nailing shards of hope together to put something over my head...
'cuz you know here it's always raining, and it happened again. it happened again...
she said, i let this slide when we were younger, you know you don't have to write like this...
the whole world's full of losers. if you've got a chance to win, TAKE IT!!!"

i'll probably grade myself on a curve
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part forty-four))


we had a pretty interesting conversation sunday in limbo about the idea and execution of new year's resolutions. the consensus in the room seemed to be that january 1 was a fairly arbitrary start date, but everyone was pretty keen with the notion of goal-setting, which was comforting, especially given that when i asked our collected group how many were planning on making resolutions this year, only three (myself included) out of eleven raised their hands. our hour together nailed down the fact, though, that we all wanted to find ways to better our lives and the lives of those around us even if we didn't agree on the concept of the calendar telling us when to do so.

me, i am a calendar guy. for as long as i've been setting goals on the blog and writing follow-ups like today's, my simple mind wraps itself quite easily around starting at the beginning of the year and evaluating at the end. and so, i continue that schedule today as i take my final official look-back into the year that was kevin o'kelley's 2010.

here is the refresher.

now, let's review...

1) don't die - ... maybe sliding this one up to number one last year after my scare in the summer of 2009 played a significant role in my still being here in january of 2011 to write this post. maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me to meet my maker last year. either way, i am glad that i am still here. i can't say that i didn't think A LOT about the idea of dying. every day, i am not shitting you, every day i have a deathdream. i am able to shake them off and away a lot quicker than i did in the final few months of 2009, but i am obviously still not at ease with what comes next. maybe i never will be. maybe this is one of my curses. it seems unfair to me and everyone around me that i can't get my head out of today and look ahead some to "tomorrow". i am glad i didn't die in 2010. i am. now, if i could just stop thinking about it so much. score: +1

2) get "operation limbo" off the ground, up and running - ... well, well, well. my first real success story of 2010. early last year, i asked jacob sutton and joseph florence to help me with a sketch that we would perform at the beginning of worship to pimp the idea, this idea in my head that was limbo at the time. jacob and joseph, in spite of the morning's technical difficulties, were really funny like they always are. the sketch had to do with the gap that had developed at our church in the last several years where there was no real group or place for students and young adults to plug into after high school. we had a couple of fledgling young-ish adult sunday school classes, but i wasn't real confident either would speak to the group that i had in mind for limbo. so, jacob and joseph riffed on the idea that now they were in their twenties, they were just hanging out in the sanctuary with no real purpose in the proverbial life of the church and joseph asked jacob what they were supposed to do about it. jacob's response? "we wait...................until we're 30." it was hilarious. and pointed. and true. and so, limbo was born. and now, at our church, you don't have to wait if you are looking for something after you've crossed that barrier into adulthood and come to the realization that you still have no idea what the hell is going on in the world. nowadays, i don't think of limbo as an "age-group" thing (we span from early twenties to mid-thirties) as much as i do a "this doesn't make sense to me. let's make sense of it together." group. and it seems to be working. part of our evolution in 2011 will be to become more effective and affective at getting our word and work out to the masses. looking back one more time, though, we've now had 37 unique and special people come to room 218 at some point in the last 45 weeks, and we gather every sunday morning with between 10-15. numbers are a pretty weak measure when it comes to spiritual impact, but they do suggest there was a need in our church (even if we are still dangling on the outer edge of the church corporate) and limbo is trying to help fill it. score: +1

 3) be a more than serviceable lay leader - ... hmm, this one is probably not the easiest for me to judge myself on. i could take a straw poll within the church and if the standard was "serviceable", well, i might get a pass. if it's "more than serviceable", i don't know. what has happened that is good in the life of the church over the last 12 months? consensus within the congregation is that we are in better "health". that meaning, there is less overall drama. members and visitors, alike, seem to be harris fans. our finances are currently well within order. long range planning has been meeting and visioning for over six months. natural church development is starting back up and the church, right now, seems committed to that process. our connectional giving has improved drastically with the church meeting it's "target" in 2010 (for the first time in a very, very long time). leadership in the church is getting younger, in no small part to the weeds and limbo. along those lines, we made efforts to streamline the administrative board of the church in the hopes that 2011 will be more efficient. missions are still happening and giving members opportunities to serve. the halloween carnival succeeded again. the children's place daycare is a lighthouse and symbol of hope in our immediate community. i am probably forgetting many others. but, this all begs the question, what credit can i take for any of it? what blame rests at my feet if i were to list the cons of 2010, too. it's a good question, and we'll address it again soon. "serviceable" in the church is relative, thus "more than serviceable" probably is as well. i am going to give myself a point here. if you disagree, please feel free to comment and tell me why. score: +1

4) prepare for the inevitable - ... ugh. i called this one, right? not that it took a rocket scientist to predict that any college football team would eventually lose a game, and lose a game(s) alabama did. in spite of their talent and potential that was on full display for 20 minutes of the iron bowl and 60 of the capital one bowl, alabama finished a disappointing 10-3 and probably 10 spots lower than their preseason number one ranking. the first loss to south carolina was easier than i thought it would be to swallow, mainly because they were down the whole game. the idea of predicting the future of next year's team with the likely departures of 3-5 underclassmen seems discouraging currently. we'll wait til after the a-day game for that. and we'll also give myself credit for being a realist with this particular resolution a year ago. score: +1

5) don't forget about my deceitfully evil gang of weeds - ... maybe my first miss of 2010. i remember vividly the conversation that i had with the weeds on a sunday morning early on in 2010, that i was thinking of using my positive, free and clear scan in january as a springboard to get my head back in the game of making a difference in the church again. what that meant to them was that i wouldn't be available on sunday mornings anymore. my doing limbo, kathy and deb doing kids sunday school, the goldens having their hands full with noah, kim getting elected to city council, among other things pulled our sunday school class in many different directions, and it's been hard to feel like a cohesive whole all year. i don't know that blaming any one person or event or circumstance would do justice to all the mitigating factors. i didn't "forget" the weeds, but actions spoke louder than words. score: -1

6) say no to drugs... and by drugs, i mean lexapro - ... an interesting result with this one. i told myself that if i got a clean bill of health again in july, i would start to wean myself off of the anti-depressant. even though there was a little scare with a "motion artifact" in my lung that turned out to be nothing, the clean bill of health came a few days after i had my scan on july 9. after that, i took a half-dose of the lexapro through my and sarah's trip to gatlinburg later that month and then put the pill bottle in the pantry for good. since then, it's been an up and down ride. i have found my good moods hard to sustain, especially the last couple of months, what with the anticipation of the next scan this month ramping up my awareness of every little thing in my body that's not 100 percent anymore. the bottle of lexapro sits right next to my bottle of multi-vitamins in the pantry, and the last two or three weeks i've wondered if starting them again wouldn't be better for me and my family. maybe all the doctor would order is another clean scan and some peace of mind to go along with the apple a day. we'll see soon enough. this one is a technical notch in the "win" column, with mixed results as to the quality of my life since i realized the resolution. score: +1

7) find brian again - ...hmm. does seeing him on one road trip, three visits in three days count as a "win"? maybe, but probably not. i am going to give myself a half-point here, because we did have to drive six hours to see him and it probably ended up being one of the more fulfilling three days of my year, but seeing them once per year doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you are talking about someone that i care so deeply about. score:  +.5

8) find dad again - my second full-fledged fail. for me, the spirit of this one is more important than the letter number of times we saw each other, which was actually several thanks to a lunch or two, a handful of hannah's socccer games and a christmas get together. no one did anything "wrong" this year. i just don't know if i feel like we are any closer to being closer. i hope so. for 2010, though? score: -1

9) take ken to a braves game - ... another technical win, even if it didn't flesh itself out to us seeing each other as much as i would have liked to. we went to an incredible phillies game the second week of the season that included a jason heyward homer and a walk-off by nate mcclouth. ken even returned the favor by picking up the tab for the bullet through the forehead that ended up being game three of the division series with the giants. much like brian, i think if we were a little closer, ken and i would be, too. the distance and just life, i guess, has been a riddle we have not been able to solve the last few years. bottom line for the grade, though, is i did, in fact, take ken to a braves game. score: +1

10) keep loving my girls - ... the one big "gimme" of last year. i did keep loving sarah, hannah and caroline. it's hard, at times, to keep that loving from becoming conditional. i'll love you like you deserve just so long as you don't piss me off, okay? that kind of sentiment. hannah is really hard right now, and it's a combination of a lot of things i know. hanging out with older kids at daycare. observing and mimicking older girls that she sees on television and at church. having to deal with a little sister that always wants to do what she does. i know it's tough. now that she's her own little person, she wants more than anything to figure out who she is and she wants it to happen fast. she needs her way all the time. she is hardheaded. just like me. she has a quick temper. just like me. once the heat of any moment has passed, she wants to over-manipulate the rest of the day/night to make sure everything is okay. just like me. she is infuriating. i am sure...just like me. caroline, on the other hand, is three. she's a silly three and is really only a handful when our agenda takes the onus away from her being the center of the universe. no problem with four people in the house, right? ugh. she's adorable most of the time, though, and she's grown to love her daddy in 2010 much like i feel hannah always has. it's been nice. i hope that sarah and i can keep our collective heads in 2011 when it comes to the girls. our daughters really are too special to not appreciate them being in our lives every waking second. score: +1

wrapping up, let's see, it looks like i went 7.5 for 10!!! not too bad if i say so myself, which i just did. 

i read several status updates on new year's eve that spoke very poorly of 2010, and i hate that it was a tough year for so many people, including some dear friends. at the same time, i am happy that last year was much less volatile for the o'kelley family. if you removed me being constantly worried about things i have no control over from the equation, who knows what kind of banner year it may have been. that thought will be a nice springboard into my resolutions for 2011, which i'll try and have posted shortly after my january scan. 

one final thanks for everyone that stopped by hannah and caroline and me in 2010. whether you love me, hate me or are somewhere in between, whether you agree with me or disagree with me and my potty mouth, whether you came here through your own free will or were forcefully handed a copy of a post or emailed a link, thank you for sharing in this experience with me. this is an open place. an honest place. a place that makes me strive to be a better person for you and for "you".

if you would begrudge me or me in this forum, shame on you, and get a fucking life. you have more important things to worry about. go invite someone to church for god's sake instead of waiting on someone to save the church for you. 

a happy 2011 for those of you that love HACAM for what it is. comment more in 2011! if you write, write more! about anything!!! 

2010.

the end.    

i resolve...
(2010)
((the year we face our fears))


new year's resolutions are like boxes of chocolate. you never know what you're gonna get. some ridiculously overrated movie character said something like that once.

speaking of...

tell me to name my top five movies of all time. do it!

i can't. narrowing the list down to five would just be too hard.

do it!!!

ok. ok. jeebus. shawshank, pulp fiction, cool hand luke, la confidential, fight club. there. there's a rough draft. satisfied???

two of my favorite movies of ALL TIME were released the same year as "runnn, forrest, runnn", and both were deemed not as deserving for that year's greatest prize. and it's a damn shame. one changed the way movies were made and one, in my opinion, is the single greatest movie and story about hope that ever was. gump was a fine movie. i will give it that. i enjoyed it. would enjoy it again if i sat down and watched it right now. it just wasn't "change the world" good, just like every box of chocolates i've ever had.

give me shawshank or give me death. i'll probably just re-gift your box of candy.

i digress.

to the resolutions.

i am a couple weeks late, but no one will remember that come the end of december. man, i hope i make it to the end of december, which brings us to number one. are you surprised???

1) don't die - no shocker here. karma bit me on the ass last year when i let this one slip to number two. her cruel joke was to take one kidney from me, put the fear of death into my brain so that i would not be able to shake it and see how i reacted. well, i see your joke, karma, and i hear you loud and clear. to be serious for a moment, i didn't realize it at the time, but i do now. the moment i first peed blood, i was being given a second chance. at least, that is how i am choosing to look at it. a second chance to be all i can be for my family, for my friends and for my church. which brings us to number two...

2) get "operation limbo" off the ground, up and running - my first year as lay leader was a relatively quiet one, right??? unless you partly blame me and my deceitfully evil gang of weeds for running off dcd. if that is the case, invite me to your fantasy world, won't you? i would love a cup of special tea too, but i hope you'll come back and join us at 711 gene reed road soon. things will be changing this year for the better. for the first time in a long time. gone, for now, is the discord that has defined us for too many years. here, for now, is a peace and quiet that might allow good people to do good things and reap good rewards along the way. "operation limbo" will be my first honest attempt at stirring the juices of our fair starship humc since 2005. don't know what i am talking about yet? you will. soon. stay tuned.

3) be a more than serviceable lay leader - for those of you that pay attention, this one will serve to be the next logical step towards my new year's resolutions in 2014 when number two that year will be "be the greatest motherscratching lay leader god ever put on this earth". last year, i laid in wait for the most part, serving my church in quiet and subtle ways. voicing opinions that i found important. reading some scripture. kicking some ass in vbs. you know...the usual. this year, my guess is that you'll see my ugly mug and my crooked teeth a little more often. i hope this isn't too much of a turnoff for those that walk our halls that still have trouble making eye contact with me. just know that i love you. and i am trying to be more than serviceable.

4) prepare for the inevitable - how weak-ass weak is it that the college football season is over? alabama basketball sucks. the falcons suck. and spring training hasn't arrived, so i can't hate the braves yet. what is a floundering fan to attach his irrational emotional investment to? i don't know either. so, i'll just pine for alabama football and hope that august gets here sooner rather than later. the inevitable i resolve to prepare for is this. bama has not lost a regular season game in TWO FREAKING years. next season, they host penn st., florida and an improving auburn team. they have to go back to baton rouge. the law of averages is bound to catch up with this team at some point, right? i mean, they can't completely retool and reload their defense and go undefeated again next year, right? they can't just outscore every opponent with their entire offense coming back and control the sec like it was the late 70's again, right? jesus. i hope so. but i'll mentally prepare for a loss anyway, just to be safe. number four is pretty high for something as trivial as college sports, but the trivial crimson tide helped me heal from cancer. that's worth bumping them up a couple slots in my book. roll tide.

5) don't forget about my deceitfully evil gang of weeds - i announced "operation limbo" to my SS class this past sunday, and pledged to them that i wouldn't be leaving them for good when limbo gets started. concerning healing from cancer, this group was just as important, not only as a support system but as a carrot on a stick to get back to them, to look forward to hanging out with them on wednesday nights. there is no other group in the church that has given love a bad name like we have. and i couldn't be any more proud of anything than i am of that fact. all that being said, and sarah can attest to this, when i threw my head into "big things" at the church in the early 2000's, it was easy for me to get very single-minded and forge ahead with blinders on to the rest of the world. limbo is going to be extremely important, to me and to our church and to our community. my weeds must remain every bit as important.

6) say no to drugs - and by drugs, i mean lexapro. i would like to believe that, by the end of this year, i can fight off my demons naturally without the assistance of a tiny pill altering the chemical balances in my brain. we'll see.

7) find brian again - i failed at this last year, but i can't give up the ghost. whether it's driving to savannah or convincing him to come back home, i gotta get closer to my brother. and it can't be because i can't get out of my hospital bed without him.

8) find dad again - oh shit. what's going on here? i've tried to move on. i have. it's just not working out for me. there are about five people in this world that i could not see for months and then, out of the blue, go to dreamland with and pick up like we just saw each other last weekend. in my opinion, if you have those people in your life, you should probably spend more time with them, not less. dad is one of those. so, yeah. that's what's going on here.

9) take ken to a braves game - continuing number eight's theme. i have another brother. his name is ken. he lives in atlanta. he has a baby boy. i am his uncle. i've never met him. how fucking ridiculous am i? exactly. very fucking ridiculous. differences this. hurt feelings that. blah, blah, blah. excuses. i am the fucking vincent van gogh of excuses. only one other person i've met can carry the same loving disdain for the braves as i can. that's ken. i resolve to take him to a game this year and have seats close enough for melky cabrera to hear every single one of our taunts.

10) keep loving my girls - if you've read these lists before, you know i always offer myself a gimme. this one is easy, but ever-evolving. hannah's becoming a trainwreck. she is finding herself, testing boundaries, talking back. more often than not, i want to destroy all of her toys in front of her so that she can understand how painful she is making it for me to like her. and then she sucks on her "meow". she trances out and is the most Godly thing, in every sense of the word, i will ever lay eyes on. she understands her wrongdoings and starts to say "yessir" and "yes ma'am" in that sweet voice of hers. she plays with her sister. incites laughter that will make my heart fill with joy. she becomes, again, the reason i waste my time maintaining this site. she is my everything. and caroline, sweeeeet caroline (bah, bah, baaahhh). i have a hard time remembering hannah at this age. i was away a lot, in body and mind. caroline can be her own trainwreck, but it a weirdly different way. obstinate at times to the point of confusion. cute and cuddly and adorable in others. talkative. sitting on the potty. dancing to the black eyed peas. spitting out her food that she just chewed up. she's my everything too. keep loving my girls. this one should be easy.

good luck to all my fellow list makers. may you all have years that you can be proud of.

the color of urine
(2009 year in review)
((the curse of dcd))


this might not be as relevant a topic for my female readers (at least those that pee sitting down, wipe and never inspect their urine the way that men, by nature, are accustomed to doing), and for that, i apologize. but the question is this. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? if you are anything like me, pre-june, not very much. if it comes/came out extraordinarily yellow, one might think to themself, "man, i should drink more water." if it comes/came out extraordinarily clear, one might think to themself, "man, i've been drinking a lot of water." and that's about it, right? it was for me. for 32 and a half years, going to the bathroom standing up was about as unexciting a part of my day as it would be for any other human being.

and then, i peed blood.

the night in question was rather unremarkable. a pretty normal monday night as monday nights go. i played softball. have zero recollection as to whether or not we won (the trauma that would follow has rendered those events rather meaningless). i was probably dehydrated as i always was and had been before that night. i never drank water. always drank coke. probably quenched my thirst, post-game, with something carbonated. i half-way cleaned up. was ready for bed. went to the bathroom.

and then, i peed blood.

having never done so before, you can imagine my surprise. i went and got sarah, we went downstairs and started to google. i didn't even know what to be afraid of, but i was wishing that it was a one time thing. a figment of my imagination. we saw several options online, i calmed down enough to go to bed and sleep for a bit. i got up, nervously walked into the bathroom...

and then, i peed blood. again.

so, you are saying that something was off?

i called the doctor and you've heard the story since then. i was treated for an infection. i drank tons of water. things seemed to clear up. maybe they were right. maybe it was just "a really bad infection." several days passed. i started to feel better. one day remaining of my antibiotics. woke up six days after the initial incident thinking i had dodged a bullet.

and then i peed blood.

dammit.

"normal sized..."

"this is not."

"...mass."

"come back monday with your wife, and we'll talk about a plan."

"am i going to die?"

"no."

"you're sure??? i'm gonna make it?"

"we've got some work to do, but you are going to make it."

surgery.

day after.

"it was what we thought it was."

"renal cell carcinoma."

"completely isolated."

"totally contained."

"you can celebrate."

what the fuck just happened?

recovery.

sore.

dizzy.

scared.

getting stronger.

start to go crazy.

i am crazy.

seeing spots.

vision exam.

glasses (that i don't wear).

no eye tumors.

have a brainscan.

no tumor.

still feel crazy.

chest x-ray.

"results...negative"

get medicine.

start feeling a little better.

my elbow hurts.

what's that thing in my neck?

"it's a gland. or a lymph node."

"you are fine."

i don't believe you.

"you are going to be fine."

we'll see.

back to the original question. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? since that night in mid-june, i do every time.

every. single. time.

the intensity with which i anticipate going to the bathroom is knee-buckling at times. what if i pee blood again??? i only have one kidney now. i don't have a safety net. i am too young. i don't want to lose my family. i am not ready to die. I AM NOT READY TO DIE!!! WHY AM I SHAKING AGAIN? WHY AM I YELLING AT MY DAUGHTERS?

snap out of it, kevin...

please. chill the fuck out.

ok. i'll try. god help me. let 2010 be different. let 2010 be something else. let it be a celebration of the life i was taking for granted. let it be the first step in being prepared to handle something like this in a healthier fashion (for all involved) than i was able to this year.

let's rewind.

1) be a serviceable lay leader - well, serviceable was about as good as i can rank myself here. many pastors claim that the first year in their congregation isn't about doing as much as it is learning and getting to know their congregation. i tried to take the same approach, myself. i made all but one sprc meeting. i didn't miss a finance meeting. co-chaired a relatively smooth nominating process. took in a whole lot. didn't speak out of turn once. offered several opinions on things i thought important. didn't pick any fights. left some on the table. got through a fairly easy pastor transition. set my eyes upon being more proactive and visible in the coming year. all of which leaves me with what? a passing grade? yeah, i would think so. there are probably some that would still argue that i and my sunday school class had way too much to do with a pastor and some "key" members tucking tail, but i would argue that no one makes you leave a church. if there is a problem, it's a "you" problem as colin cowherd would put it. that's for another post. now, if my sunday school class and i can just shake this damned curse. more on that later.

2) don't die - i have shuddered every time i've gone back and read this since june. for each time this has made the list the last few years, it's been with tongue planted firmly in cheek. it will be number one with a bullet next year, but for very different reasons and with very different thought behind it. not that not dying was never important. it was. it just wasn't until this year that it sunk it that is was going to happen to me sometime. and maybe if i hadn't peed blood, it would have happened a lot sooner than later. shudder. nevertheless, if i am lucky enough to claim this as my second chance, things will be different moving forward in a major way. "don't die"??? check. goodness.

3) buy a motorcycle - in an ironic twist of fate attached to my losing a kidney, my doctor only set two limitations on my life moving forward when i asked him what i would have to change. "no motorcycles. no trampolines." if that means not meeting my maker for a long time, you just tell me where to sign, dr. wade. anybody got a pen?

4) speaking of my brother... - this one resolved to spend more time with brian, because my life is a better place when he is close and in it. unfortunately, the only time i saw him was when he made the trip to see me through my surgery. i am not sure if he or i imagined that he'd be helping me out of a hospital bed in 2009, but he never thought twice about coming. and i love him for that, even if i couldn't make this resolution happen.

5) don't get fat - mostly thanks to the extreme amounts of weight that i lost worrying about my condition and not eating for three days after the surgery, this one gets a check in the "success" column. i am hopeful that next year weighs more on my healthy habits (better diet, continued exercise) moreso than another trip to the operating table.

6) handle hannah's transition to kindergarten with dignity and respect - really, i handled this quite well. in truth, her going to school fell victim to my selfish state of mind when it came around at the beginning of august. i was only beginning to lose my mind, and, while it seemed sad and wonderful at the same time that she would be going to school, i didn't have it in me to shed vast amounts of time and energy worrying about her being ok. or mommy being ok. or my being ok. truth be told, she handled it better than anybody, and that's the way it was always going to be.

7) handle alabama's growing pains in 2009 with dignity and respect - lost a senior quarterback? starting running back? three starters off the offensive line, including two all-americans? who cares, right? i am so glad i was wrong on this one. this alabama football season has meant more to my mental healing than i probably even know. jan. 7th is very close now.

8) be more intentional about finding time for my friends - for the most part, an unfortunate fail must be registered on this one. sure, i saw kiker at softball and on several occasions outside of that, but circumstances dealt my want to see andy more a cruel blow and chris perry and i never hooked up. i found and find them on facebook now and the temptation to let that be good enough will be hard to fight. as i mentioned in january, i know we are "busy", but jeez. i saw one football game with the boys all together this year??? one??? one can hope that the national championship game will provide the means to make up for lost time. i will say, though, that there are and were beautiful exceptions to this rule. i feel like i got to spend a lot of good time with amy and katie, and let me be brutally honest for a second. i could not have made it through the year without my sunday school class. to kathy, brad, donald, tanya, chris, melinda, kim and deb...thank you for inviting me and sarah into your fold. thanks for putting up with all my sarcastic and inappropriate comments and language. thank you for your support. and thank you for your friendship. i would have always done anything for you if you had asked, but now i look forward to those opportunities. i love you all. now if we could only get past that curse. more on that later.

9) introduce other voices to HACAM - this started off with a bang. i appreciate rebecca and kiker's contributions. things waned heavily in my making it a priority, though, in the latter 3/4ths of the year, but this is still going to happen. this blog is going to feel a lot different next year. and that's a first glimpse of one resolution for 2010.

10) don't let the church consume me - you know. i made this work. i do feel like we are there every time the doors open again. and i was at a lot of meetings, events, etc. maybe because we did it more as a family than when i was on staff, but this year will provide a good template for next year and hopefully many years after that.

and now...saying good-bye to the curse of dcd.

i am not very well versed on being the victim of a curse. perhaps, you don't know that you are, in fact, cursed until you come out the other side. let's take a look at certain proverbial stones that struck the heads of the weeds class in 2009.

cancer.

the death of a husband/father/friend.

the celebration of a newborn child tempered by the realization that something is amiss.

the passing of the mother of one of our emeritus members.

why did all of this happen to us? was it because we didn't get along very well with the previous pastor and he has used his black magic, upon leaving, to ruin our lives? well, that's my theory, but i am rarely (and by "rarely" i mean usually) right about anything.

were we just unlucky? maybe in some terms. in others, though...

i lost a kidney, but not my life.

our class was blessed with healthy twins and a fighter in the mighty noah that will make all of us, most especially his incredible parents, better human beings.

one of us was a serviceable lay leader.

one of us rejoined our church's staff.

one of us will manage our facility with a strong, yet humble, hand.

one of us (with the help of the rest of us) will always make vbs rock even if she says this year is her last year.

one of us is now a city councilperson and can get me free stuff (oh yeah, and change her church AND her city for the better)

one of us continues to make our daycare a place worthy of a waiting list.

one of us championed our children, challenged our council and then led the way by shepherding our many faces of our future, herself.

one of us will bring our worship technology into the current millenia.

one of us will set an example for all our of church's mothers through the trials she has and will continue to overcome at home.

one of us, with his "questions", got this ball rolling.

were we cursed after june? as far as this blog was concerned, um, yes. absolutely.

in reality, crappy things happened, but lessons in perspective through the victories that we enjoyed together will forge, for us, a brighter tomorrow. that's a promise.

good riddance, 2009. don't let propaghandi hit you on the way out. because they will hit you. hit you in the face with my best record of the year.

2009...

the end of my world as i knew it.