i resolve
(2011)


"i'm so used to shooting myself in the kneecaps, standing in the way of progress and letting down my friends..."

if 2010 was the year i faced my fears, 2011 will be about moving forward and letting go. it's not exactly january one. i get that, but this post was never going to be properly based in my reality until after i had my 18 months-out scan. had the scan i now have, and i am super happy to report (granted, HACAM is late to the story...facebook got the exclusive) that my remaining kidney was, in the words of my doctor, "working like a champ" and there were "no surprises" to be found. so, what does that mean, exactly? well, for one, it means i can take another deep breath. for two, it means that i can go to the bathroom for a few months without the fear of seeing blood in my urine. it may sound silly, but, let me tell you, i will never take going to the bathroom and everything being "normal" for granted for the rest of my life. that last tuesday's scan gave me the peace of mind to not worry about that type of thing, if even for a little while, it was worth it. for three, and this is probably the most important realization i've come to in the last seven days, it would seem to me (me, of course, catching up with the rest of my world) that i am currently cancer-free. now, a more rational person may argue, "but, kevin, weren't you technically cancer-free on july 23rd of 2009 when they removed that rotten kidney from your abdomen?" the rational person, it has been proven, would be correct. that's not the way i've viewed things for the last 18 months, though. the way i've seen it, if there was one bad cell in my body that could grow into many bad cells that could grow into a tumor, surely there were more of those bad cells lurking in my body and had only yet to be found. for 18 months, i've been waiting, not so patiently, for the "other shoe" to drop, having one of my many tests or scans to show me what i had already convinced myself of to be true. that i still had cancer. but, the thing is, i didn't. or, i don't. what everyone else knew that i couldn't own was the form of cancer that was inside of my body had a relatively simple curative treatment if the cancer was contained, which mine was. remove the kidney. the pathology report showed that the cancer was isolated, it had not reached the margins of the organ and i was to "celebrate" my good news. i just. couldn't. do it. what about my chemo? what about my radiation? i haven't even seen an oncologist! this isn't how cancer goes! but, for me. it did. over the last seven days, i've started to realize what's been true now for 18 months. i was fucking lucky. and i don't have cancer. if something had spread from my kidney tumor, it would have manifested itself somewhere else by now. it hasn't. thank you, god. does last tuesday's test mean i will never be sick again in my life or that i'll never have to fight off something else somewhere down the road? no, of course it doesn't. but what it does mean is i am back with the rest of you. my risk is no greater. my chances are no higher. everything left behind in my urological system is ticking as it should. "no surprises" were found. i guess my physical story has been about the same for 18 months now. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do. i'll still worry about stupid things. i did that before june of 2009. i'll still be hyper-aware of things that are changing in and with my body. that's just me. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do, but i am just about caught up. hey there, friends. my name is kevin o'kelley. nice to see you again.

to the list...

1) don't die - you didn't think the above would let this baby slip from number one, did you? something haunting hit me as i was mentally outlining today's post. that being, if i kept "don't die" on my resolutions list every year, one year i was going to fail and not be able to write about the lessons i had learned from the failure afterward. i am still nowhere comfortable with the thought of moving on to whatever is next. maybe, if i am lucky enough to be around in 25 years, "don't die" will have slid down to, like, number 7. in 2011? it's numero uno.

2) see fewer doctors - in the last 18-ish months, i have had the following: 4 abdominal ct scans (the first one that found the tumor), 4 chest x-rays, 1 chest ct (required because of the motion artifact of july, 2010), 1 brain scan (a "peace of mind scan" that my primary care doctor allowed and set up for me because my post-operation dizziness had me convinced that i had a brain tumor), 3 moles removed at the dermatologist (surely you didn't think i would automatically rule skin cancer out.) 1 set of glasses issued (i started seeing noticing floaters shortly after my surgery, which prompted a visit to an eye doctor. i was certain i had something dreadfully wrong, "eye tumors" if you will) that i never wear but note every time i squint i should probably give them a try (what? i went to the optometrist to make sure i didn't have "eye tumors", not to get glasses!), many blood tests, i've been on and now off the anti-depressant, lexapro, i 've been poked, prodded, listened to and lectured by at least 5, maybe 6 different doctors. it's time to cut that number back a little bit. schaeffer eye center keeps calling me to make sure i come back in for my yearly visit. i should go and do that. sarah's gonna make me get more moles cut off toward the end of the year at that annual trip, and i am guessing i'll have to visit my pcp at least a couple times, but cutting many doctor's visits down to a few would be a giant step forward. 

3) don't get fat - "don't get fat" reappears after a one year absence from the list. the reason? i keep putting on weight. at my last two pcp checkups, my weight was higher than the previous visit. adding insult to that injury, i did a body mass test on the wii a couple weeks ago and it, too, told me i had gained weight. now, obviously, i am not fat...yet, but i've come to realize that if i don't start eating a little better, i think, for the first time in my life, i could be. whether it's my metabolism slowing down a little or a combination of that and bad food choices, 2011 will be the year that i take my body back and intimidate you all with my level of fitness. which brings us to number 4...

4) run - what. the. fuck? seriously, if you had told me five year's ago that i would have "run" on a resolutions list, i would've laughed at you and told you to pass me another hot dog. no, really. pass me a hot dog. with chili. and onions. and extra cheese. slaw, too, please. dunk that motherscratcher in gravy with a side of sweet heat chips and then (and only then) could you explain to me how in five years i would think that adding "run" to my list of resolutions would be a good idea. but, here we are. and i am going to do it. at this point, i have to. i've already bought running shoes. i've committed. and so, the specific goal will be this. run in at least one 5k by the end of the spring and a 10k by the end of the fall. after my first "run" on sunday left me looking for a neighbor's trash can to vomit in, i know i've got a long way to go. if you ask me, though, this one is going to be a gimme.

5) find kiker and andy again - this one is hard, because it's unexpected as well. i am not sure how i lost tangible touch with two of my closest friends of my last ten years, but it happened. we've had long bouts of not being able to hang before, but we always had football season to look forward to. then, this year happened. and came. and went without us getting together if only for one bama blowout. it's takes two to tango. i know this. and i understand my prioritizing limbo over some baptist cult in palmerdale (don't gasp...they'll know i'm kidding) has played a significant role in the lack of hang-time, but i do miss them. and i miss them in a way that facebook is never going to be able to solve. here's hoping i can find a way to make this a win by the end of the year, with a genuine hope that we can make it happen sooner rather than later.

6) buy some freaking music - talk about slowing to a halt. one of the early staples of HACAM was the year end "best of my music" list, but we've had to discontinue that effort because i rarely buy any new music anymore, which is completely ridiculous. at 34, do i really want to already be that guy that has stopped listening to and looking for new artists? that guy that is now certain there will never be another band as kick-ass as blood brothers or bearvsshark once were. i don't want to be that guy, but i was that guy in 2010. my favorite album in 2010? fucking yeezy??? a kanye record??? have i lost my mind??? maybe, but maybe 2011 will be the year that saves me from myself. with new records on the horizon from blink, yellowcard, brand new, panic at the disco, fun, thrice, green day, taking back sunday and manchester orchestra among others, surely i can find room in my cd changer for more than the 7 or 8 records, total, that i spent money on last year. 

7) see julio play in a football game - over the last couple of years, this type of resolution would, obviously, be tied to heading to bryant-denny to see the tide, but sarah and i (and amy and katie) have gotten back in the habit of making it to at least one alabama game per season. the resolution is altogether different this year. as we all know now, julio is taking his talents to "what's soon to be my new favorite nfl team". there is a pretty good chance that whatever team drafts him will find their way through either atlanta or nashville. if they do (or even if they don't), i want to drive/fly to see him, blow him a kiss from the stands and tell him how much i still love him. hugs.

8) help move limbo into it's next phase - there is no confidential name or strategy to this one, merely the want to make sure limbo doesn't revel in her successful launch last year and stop moving forward. considering we've already helped out with one mission project in our daycare, committed to another this coming saturday and have tentative plans for a spin-off that's not really a spin-off bible study in the works, this one is well on it's way. every ministry in every church runs through its respective "dog days", though, where the temptation is to do what's minimally required for several weeks and justify the stagnant waters by saying "it's our time to recharge and refocus". the goal is for limbo to stay fresh and exciting and kinetic in a way that will motivate our established base to include even more of our friends and family as we move towards a productive calendar year.

9) don't be a lame duck lay leader - with the church in the early, survey stages of the natural church development effort, this one could be tricky. i want to be patient and let the process take hold and begin to work in our church in a way we haven't allowed in our two previous attempts. on the other hand, it's a valid concern that most everything completely stopped moving in the month of january to await the results of the first survey. here's hoping that the 30 members that are answering the questions are honest, and here's hoping that the congregation can hear the results in a less defensive way than we have in the past. as part of this resolution, the long range planning committee needs to offer the church a mission statement before spring and lay leadership needs to empower functionality in our committees that have, mostly, been laid to waste by our dysfunctional and overextended previous structure.

10) get a dog - while it sounds simple enough, this one is highly conditional. for us to have a dog, we also must move into a new and bigger house. each passing birthday or holiday, our home magically shrinks just a little. and while we love our home, all four of us are starting to see the benefits of graduating into something a little more room-y. sarah started pining for a new house late last year. i have a feeling, after hosting several little girls for hannah's belated birthday sleepover this coming weekend, the motivation may be renewed. at any rate, back to the goal at hand, i really like owning a dog. since kammie passed, it has never stopped feeling weird to look out into the backyard and see it empty and alone. i think i am ready for another "man's best friend", but only if the condition of upgrading our home is met first.

well, that's it. that's this year's list. every single one of these will require intentional effort and concern to be met, and every single one would make me a happier and healthier person if i could claim "victory" at the end of the year.

for those of you that are worried, no, of course i haven't forgotten about sarah and the girls. they are and will always remain my number one priority (no offense, g-o-d. i just choose to see you as part of all of it). rather than using them as a gimmick or a gimme and including them on my list, they can rest assured that i will take care of them as best i know how.

"so i'm nailing shards of hope together to put something over my head...
'cuz you know here it's always raining, and it happened again. it happened again...
she said, i let this slide when we were younger, you know you don't have to write like this...
the whole world's full of losers. if you've got a chance to win, TAKE IT!!!"