better know a (current) humc staff member
(interview with andy)
((part three))


read part one here.
read part two here.


continuing...

Let's tackle this topic of relevance. For the last several years, I've worried that HUMC has lost its place in the community, therefore being on the cusp of becoming irrelevant.

Last week, though, I got some interesting feedback on a question I asked to Facebook. I am interested in the idea of adopting a church planters perspective in our church, and one of the comments I got in a conversation on that topic suggested to abandon the pursuit of relevance. Now, I realize they and I may have been thinking in different terms, but religious thinker, Mircea Eliade, suggests people are looking for more of the sacred to contrast the profanity of daily life. I am not sure I agree with that, either.

Either way, how do you define relevance, and what role do you see the church filling in a person's life?

 

 

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I think this is a very interesting conversation to have, that of relevance. I don't think there is a question that the church must be relevant. Irrelevance equals death, at least eventually. But the conversation to be had us what, exactly, is meant by the word. In speaking if the church, I don't think relevance has anything to do with worship styles, or music, or the perceived hipness of a pastor. Many contemporary churches are irrelevant, and many liturgical churches are relevant. (The other interesting question is the one you brought up regarding a sacred contrast to the profane we see in the rest of our life. I'm not all in on that idea, but on some level I think there may be something to it. But, I digress...)

What I mean when I say the word relevant is the churches ability to speak into the real life mess of someone's life. The ability of the church to help someone manage the joys and sorrows that are inevitable in life. To pitch a tent, so to speak, squarely in the middle of where people actually live and move and breathe, and provide hope and direction and relationships that help people live into the kingdom that God is building. Clearly, this doesn't have much, if anything, to do with the style of worship.

So with that said, I think the church's role in a persons life is to provide the community and the context for living a life of faith. That's a pretty big idea to unpack, and I don't know that this would even be the space to unpack it, but I do think that when the church gives you the relationships and the meaning and guidance to live with the kingdom of God as your focus, it is being incredibly relevant.

 

 

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In your experience, how often has a church been helpful in the context of living out your faith journey versus how often it has hindered that process?

 

 

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to be honest, more often than not, the church has not been helpful to me personally in living out my faith. i wouldn't say it has always hindered me, but it certainly has not given me the freedom to question or the direction in how to live in the tension of faith and doubt. to be fair, this has a lot to do with the role i have been in at nearly every church i have been a part of. a staff minister is supposed to have arrived, and be sure and confident (at least that is how it is made to seem). i am not there yet, so the tension is there.

for me, there have always been people who have been helpful to me in the process. more of my issues have been worked out over ribs with the editor of this blog than anywhere else. for that, i am grateful. but i do dream of the day when the local church is this community for me, and everyone else there.

 

 

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I resemble your comments about staff persons not being allowed to continue developing. More often than not, that scares the crap out of me. For, if you ever convey that you have "arrived", you've decided that you have figured it all out and can sense God in a way others can't.

You and I share so many of the same frustrations with the local and global church, and, yet, we keep coming back for more. In fact you continue to believe in being on staff. Do you consider yourself a masochist, old-fashioned, or is it something else that brings you back in time and time again?

 

 

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I definitely considered the masochist angle. For me, though, I guess it just comes down to the fact that I still believe that the church, local and global, can be what it was intended to be. Certainly there is a long way to go, but it is ground that can be covered.

I also can't stress enough how necessary it was for me to step away for a few years. Not only did it recharge the batteries, so to speak, it gave me a different perspective. In ministry, it is very easy to think that the world that exists is the one where you get paid to pontificate on religion and always be at church. Working a regular job gave me the chance to have the same struggles and issues as any given congregant may have. And that is invaluable. And where five years ago I considered my career to be youth pastor, now I don't think of it in those terms. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud to call myself the Director of Youth Ministries at HUMC, but if it is the last time I hold this position, I am ok with that, too.

I guess if I could boil it all down to one thing, though, it would be the people. Churches good and bad, big and small, are filled with good people who are sincere in their faith. And I very much enjoy the chance to work and live my faith alongside them. (And it definitely doesn't hurt that HUMC was full of friends before I came in staff).

 

 

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This sounds like an appropriate place to stop for now. Thanks for taking some time out of your last few days to give us some insight into your worldview. Your thoughtful and reasonable responses should be quite enlightening for my readers that only know you by your name.

Thanks, brother! 

better know a (current) humc staff member
(interview with andy)
((part two))


catch up with part one here.


continuing...


That all sounds pretty fascinating. Are there any pitfalls that you can foresee with trying to incorporate that new way of thinking into your ministry?


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There are certainly pitfalls that could arise with this, or any, paradigm change. But I don't think they are any worse or more numerous than the ones we may face if we choose not to engage. Just different.

The initial one that I think most people would see is that the change in authority might lead to some pretty aberrant ideas. That is, I guess, possible, but the guardrails in place are the leadership (person or people) and, quite honestly, the community itself. Bad ideas, I believe, would be called out and shot down much quicker. The challenge in that is making sure that happens with a spirit of love and grace.

The biggest pitfall I see is that it could become too easy to only engage in the online side of things, which could lead to superficiality. For that reason, the efforts in "real life" must be that much more fervent. Both must exist in concert.

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We've seen this type of thing play out in the national political scene. If someone disagrees with the President, no one is afraid to blow up the social media forum of choice with their disapproval. How willing or open do you see pastors, in general, as being to the day where every person in their congregation has a Twitter account and are willing to use it for the greater good of the community of faith?

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That's a fair enough question. My best guess is that a lot of pastors would be leery of this if they were honest. Many pastors (not all) get quite concerned with maintaining peace in their congregation (and a modicum of popularity from the congregation) at the expense of innovation. I don't say this cynically, just as an observation. It's easy to choose the path of least resistance when your success and livelihood are tied to keeping certain people happy. I have experienced this first hand under a pastor at a smallish baptist church who failed to do the right thing and risk angering some members. The result was a very plugged in family leaving, but I heard the pastor say that that was acceptable because if he stood with them (which would have been the morally right thing to do) he could have lost more. It's a shame this happens, really.

I'm not saying that pastors shouldn't exercise discernment when it comes to what they say or what stand they take. But it can become easy to lose your prophetic voice when you become overly concerned with keeping the flock happy. One of the reasons I stepped away for a few years from vocational ministry was I felt pressured to conform to certain expectations that I didn't believe in. Spiritually, it was suffocating me. I have had to commit to myself that I won't let it happen again.

As far as what can be done about this, I don't know that there is a simple answer. I do think that the reason it's so easy for the haters to jump on the President or other public figure is that they don't really see them as people, just a human representation of a cause they are either for or against. It's much harder to publicly disapprove of someone when you see them twice a week. I do think it would require a lot of courage from a pastor to let go in a sense and be ok with an increased voice from congregants. And a great degree of integrity, so that any attacks that threaten to become personal are met with trust in the kind of person they are. And a good support network that can speak truth to him or her when any controversy may threaten to overwhelm.

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Choosing the path of least resistance doesn't sound very revolutionary, does it? No wonder the church, corporate, is in such a quagmire. It's this blog's opinion that being "all things to all people" has taken Paul's original sentiment and perverted it into oblivion. 

Given the restrictions you identify, how do you find yourself working within those constructs to maintain a feeling a being spiritually fulfilled and making tangible impact in your ministry of choice? 

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to be clear, the path of least resistance is not an option. it only serves to prolong the careers of the ones who choose the path, and the descent into irrelevance of the church corporate, and local. maybe that sounds harsh, but i don't think we can afford to think like that. and i agree with the blog's assessment that Paul's original intent has probably been perverted. either way, i would rather take my cues from Jesus, and i'm not sure his sentiment was always the same as Paul's

personally, as far as finding the balance in working within any restrictions that are directly or indirectly placed upon me, and its effect on my personal spirituality and ministry of choice, i have had to identify a couple of foundations. first, i have to remember that my voice and viewpoint has value. the church doesn't need a chorus of voices in unison who say and do things all the same. i have sort of accepted that i am somewhat of an outlier. i don't always know where i fit, but i believe that the umbrella of the kingdom of God is large enough to include me, even when the umbrella of a local church may not be. i do believe that huffman is a community in which my viewpoint will be heard and considered and respected. so far, it has certainly been that.

perhaps most importantly, i have moved to the point where i would much rather stand up for people rather than causes. much of the time, one's faith is declared strong if they are willing to stand up for a cause. too often, this is at the expense for standing up for people. Jesus never equated your love for God with your willingness to stand against gay marriage or only vote republican. he did equate it, quite directly, with how you love people. the best, most recent example of this that played out on a national stage was the brouhaha about chick-fil-a and their support of anti-gay groups. it suddenly became a "christian" thing to do to eat a chicken sandwich to show some sort of solidarity with God. meanwhile, many gay and lesbian people (who God loves by the way) felt very unloved by Christians. and that is tragic.

within these ideas i have identified, i try to teach and lead from a place of honesty and sincerity. i don't necessarily think sharing all my doubts and struggles is beneficial to the students i am entrusted with, but i do think it is important that they know that i have struggles. if i don't know the answer to a question or issue, i won't act like i do, just to wrap a nice theological bow on the issue. many times, i just defer to what i believe is the most fundamental thing we have, which is God loves us, pursues relationship with us, and calls us to do the same to those around us, both friend and enemy. therefore we can trust God with our doubts, because of our confidence in who he is.

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to be  continued...

better know a (current) humc staff member
(interview with andy)
((part one))


last week, we talked with and posted an interview with former humc associate, chris perry. we appreciated the insight on several different topics we got from chris, even if he would probably admit, himself, that he kept some of his thoughts closer to his vest than our conversation. that's fair, though. we weren't looking to get him any trouble. honestly, i think the tone of chris' answers allows us to see just how much pressure our ministers feel when trying not to rock the boat of their congregation in a way that would inject more drama than holy tension.

this week, we offer something a little different. over the same period of time, i asked huffman's newest staff member, andy rickles, to participate in a like-minded interview. we started with the same first question, but the conversation evolved in a much different way after that.

i hope, once you get to the end of these two or three or four posts, you'll be excited about the thoughtful talent our church just hired. if nothing else, you'll have some good stuff to start a conversation with andy about the next time you shake his hand.

without further ado, we proceed.

ee cummings and i appreciate andy's similar disdain for capital letters.

"If you don't mind, tell us your general thoughts on social media and it's value to the global discourse. As a follow-up, how have you integrated social media into your own person ministry?" 

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i believe that social media has not just changed the methods by which we communicate, but the very essence of the conversation. we are connected on a global scale like never before, and this has given way to an ever shrinking world. one in which we can connect in real time to friends and family around the world. i believe that this has led to a decentralization of authority, as the availability of voices has exploded, and we no longer rely on traditional media outlets and authority figures for our information and direction. personally, when i am looking for news, i head to twitter, not cnn or msnbc. though this may have an inherent danger of wrong information getting out, it seems an acceptable risk for the benefit of getting the news quicker and more directly.

 

in my personal ministry, i am almost forced to communicate this way. when i began at huffman, the first, and it seemed most necessary, thing was to set up accounts on twitter, facebook, and instagram. and i have had to think beyond just using those for the spread of information or to generate buzz (both of which are good uses for this media). at its best, and what i am working toward, is creating a community that exists online alongside the one we create in our face to face interactions. this is beneficial in that it can expand our sphere of influence. it is necessary in that it is the language that my students speak. it is indeed an exciting and scary proposition, but one in which the church, and specifically youth ministries, must be on the forefront of if we are to have any place at the global conversation of the 21st century.

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how do you see your approach to social media differing from what you have experienced in your former years as a youth pastor and your most recent experience as a lay person? do you believe churches have any idea what to do with social media? 

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as far as my approach, i would say that i am just now really developing one. at the time of my last job as a youth pastor, social media was still in its toddler years, struggling with figuring out how to move. facebook was certainly a thing, but not as pervasive as it is now. basically, social media (and electronic media in general (email, text, etc.)) was simply another way for me to disseminate information. keep parents and kids in the loop, so to speak. in the ensuing "lay" years, it was not my responsibility to figure this out, so i approached it as an observer, and ultimately a user. i saw how other churches, blogs, charities, websites, etc used it and learned my lessons positively or negatively from that. now, i see it as an absolutely integral part to what i am trying to create. the online and "real life" communities must exist together. because i am just beginning this journey at huffman, this is all in its infancy stage, but i foresee a time when the online community builds upon the face to face, and vice versa. for example, one experiment that i am building toward is the idea of "crowd-sourcing" our teaching times. as we build toward a wednesday or sunday gathering, begin several days earlier with preliminary sorts of discussion questions. draw from those answers, stories, and more questions to create a "real-life" discussion that was organically created by the entire community, not just poured from the head of the so-called expert. dangerous? maybe. interesting and potentially life-giving. certainly.

as far as the church, i don't think most churches fully realize the potential of social media. some do, of course. but on a large scale, i think that they are floundering to scratch the surface of the possibilities. i think the reason for this is it requires the decentralization of authority from a "professional" pastor, who has the answers and leads the conversation, to the pastor as a conductor of a choir full of myriad voices, who are not necessarily singing from the same page, or in the same key, and certainly not in the same room. somehow, s/he must coax out something melodious from that. 

to be continued...

i resolve
(2011)


"i'm so used to shooting myself in the kneecaps, standing in the way of progress and letting down my friends..."

if 2010 was the year i faced my fears, 2011 will be about moving forward and letting go. it's not exactly january one. i get that, but this post was never going to be properly based in my reality until after i had my 18 months-out scan. had the scan i now have, and i am super happy to report (granted, HACAM is late to the story...facebook got the exclusive) that my remaining kidney was, in the words of my doctor, "working like a champ" and there were "no surprises" to be found. so, what does that mean, exactly? well, for one, it means i can take another deep breath. for two, it means that i can go to the bathroom for a few months without the fear of seeing blood in my urine. it may sound silly, but, let me tell you, i will never take going to the bathroom and everything being "normal" for granted for the rest of my life. that last tuesday's scan gave me the peace of mind to not worry about that type of thing, if even for a little while, it was worth it. for three, and this is probably the most important realization i've come to in the last seven days, it would seem to me (me, of course, catching up with the rest of my world) that i am currently cancer-free. now, a more rational person may argue, "but, kevin, weren't you technically cancer-free on july 23rd of 2009 when they removed that rotten kidney from your abdomen?" the rational person, it has been proven, would be correct. that's not the way i've viewed things for the last 18 months, though. the way i've seen it, if there was one bad cell in my body that could grow into many bad cells that could grow into a tumor, surely there were more of those bad cells lurking in my body and had only yet to be found. for 18 months, i've been waiting, not so patiently, for the "other shoe" to drop, having one of my many tests or scans to show me what i had already convinced myself of to be true. that i still had cancer. but, the thing is, i didn't. or, i don't. what everyone else knew that i couldn't own was the form of cancer that was inside of my body had a relatively simple curative treatment if the cancer was contained, which mine was. remove the kidney. the pathology report showed that the cancer was isolated, it had not reached the margins of the organ and i was to "celebrate" my good news. i just. couldn't. do it. what about my chemo? what about my radiation? i haven't even seen an oncologist! this isn't how cancer goes! but, for me. it did. over the last seven days, i've started to realize what's been true now for 18 months. i was fucking lucky. and i don't have cancer. if something had spread from my kidney tumor, it would have manifested itself somewhere else by now. it hasn't. thank you, god. does last tuesday's test mean i will never be sick again in my life or that i'll never have to fight off something else somewhere down the road? no, of course it doesn't. but what it does mean is i am back with the rest of you. my risk is no greater. my chances are no higher. everything left behind in my urological system is ticking as it should. "no surprises" were found. i guess my physical story has been about the same for 18 months now. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do. i'll still worry about stupid things. i did that before june of 2009. i'll still be hyper-aware of things that are changing in and with my body. that's just me. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do, but i am just about caught up. hey there, friends. my name is kevin o'kelley. nice to see you again.

to the list...

1) don't die - you didn't think the above would let this baby slip from number one, did you? something haunting hit me as i was mentally outlining today's post. that being, if i kept "don't die" on my resolutions list every year, one year i was going to fail and not be able to write about the lessons i had learned from the failure afterward. i am still nowhere comfortable with the thought of moving on to whatever is next. maybe, if i am lucky enough to be around in 25 years, "don't die" will have slid down to, like, number 7. in 2011? it's numero uno.

2) see fewer doctors - in the last 18-ish months, i have had the following: 4 abdominal ct scans (the first one that found the tumor), 4 chest x-rays, 1 chest ct (required because of the motion artifact of july, 2010), 1 brain scan (a "peace of mind scan" that my primary care doctor allowed and set up for me because my post-operation dizziness had me convinced that i had a brain tumor), 3 moles removed at the dermatologist (surely you didn't think i would automatically rule skin cancer out.) 1 set of glasses issued (i started seeing noticing floaters shortly after my surgery, which prompted a visit to an eye doctor. i was certain i had something dreadfully wrong, "eye tumors" if you will) that i never wear but note every time i squint i should probably give them a try (what? i went to the optometrist to make sure i didn't have "eye tumors", not to get glasses!), many blood tests, i've been on and now off the anti-depressant, lexapro, i 've been poked, prodded, listened to and lectured by at least 5, maybe 6 different doctors. it's time to cut that number back a little bit. schaeffer eye center keeps calling me to make sure i come back in for my yearly visit. i should go and do that. sarah's gonna make me get more moles cut off toward the end of the year at that annual trip, and i am guessing i'll have to visit my pcp at least a couple times, but cutting many doctor's visits down to a few would be a giant step forward. 

3) don't get fat - "don't get fat" reappears after a one year absence from the list. the reason? i keep putting on weight. at my last two pcp checkups, my weight was higher than the previous visit. adding insult to that injury, i did a body mass test on the wii a couple weeks ago and it, too, told me i had gained weight. now, obviously, i am not fat...yet, but i've come to realize that if i don't start eating a little better, i think, for the first time in my life, i could be. whether it's my metabolism slowing down a little or a combination of that and bad food choices, 2011 will be the year that i take my body back and intimidate you all with my level of fitness. which brings us to number 4...

4) run - what. the. fuck? seriously, if you had told me five year's ago that i would have "run" on a resolutions list, i would've laughed at you and told you to pass me another hot dog. no, really. pass me a hot dog. with chili. and onions. and extra cheese. slaw, too, please. dunk that motherscratcher in gravy with a side of sweet heat chips and then (and only then) could you explain to me how in five years i would think that adding "run" to my list of resolutions would be a good idea. but, here we are. and i am going to do it. at this point, i have to. i've already bought running shoes. i've committed. and so, the specific goal will be this. run in at least one 5k by the end of the spring and a 10k by the end of the fall. after my first "run" on sunday left me looking for a neighbor's trash can to vomit in, i know i've got a long way to go. if you ask me, though, this one is going to be a gimme.

5) find kiker and andy again - this one is hard, because it's unexpected as well. i am not sure how i lost tangible touch with two of my closest friends of my last ten years, but it happened. we've had long bouts of not being able to hang before, but we always had football season to look forward to. then, this year happened. and came. and went without us getting together if only for one bama blowout. it's takes two to tango. i know this. and i understand my prioritizing limbo over some baptist cult in palmerdale (don't gasp...they'll know i'm kidding) has played a significant role in the lack of hang-time, but i do miss them. and i miss them in a way that facebook is never going to be able to solve. here's hoping i can find a way to make this a win by the end of the year, with a genuine hope that we can make it happen sooner rather than later.

6) buy some freaking music - talk about slowing to a halt. one of the early staples of HACAM was the year end "best of my music" list, but we've had to discontinue that effort because i rarely buy any new music anymore, which is completely ridiculous. at 34, do i really want to already be that guy that has stopped listening to and looking for new artists? that guy that is now certain there will never be another band as kick-ass as blood brothers or bearvsshark once were. i don't want to be that guy, but i was that guy in 2010. my favorite album in 2010? fucking yeezy??? a kanye record??? have i lost my mind??? maybe, but maybe 2011 will be the year that saves me from myself. with new records on the horizon from blink, yellowcard, brand new, panic at the disco, fun, thrice, green day, taking back sunday and manchester orchestra among others, surely i can find room in my cd changer for more than the 7 or 8 records, total, that i spent money on last year. 

7) see julio play in a football game - over the last couple of years, this type of resolution would, obviously, be tied to heading to bryant-denny to see the tide, but sarah and i (and amy and katie) have gotten back in the habit of making it to at least one alabama game per season. the resolution is altogether different this year. as we all know now, julio is taking his talents to "what's soon to be my new favorite nfl team". there is a pretty good chance that whatever team drafts him will find their way through either atlanta or nashville. if they do (or even if they don't), i want to drive/fly to see him, blow him a kiss from the stands and tell him how much i still love him. hugs.

8) help move limbo into it's next phase - there is no confidential name or strategy to this one, merely the want to make sure limbo doesn't revel in her successful launch last year and stop moving forward. considering we've already helped out with one mission project in our daycare, committed to another this coming saturday and have tentative plans for a spin-off that's not really a spin-off bible study in the works, this one is well on it's way. every ministry in every church runs through its respective "dog days", though, where the temptation is to do what's minimally required for several weeks and justify the stagnant waters by saying "it's our time to recharge and refocus". the goal is for limbo to stay fresh and exciting and kinetic in a way that will motivate our established base to include even more of our friends and family as we move towards a productive calendar year.

9) don't be a lame duck lay leader - with the church in the early, survey stages of the natural church development effort, this one could be tricky. i want to be patient and let the process take hold and begin to work in our church in a way we haven't allowed in our two previous attempts. on the other hand, it's a valid concern that most everything completely stopped moving in the month of january to await the results of the first survey. here's hoping that the 30 members that are answering the questions are honest, and here's hoping that the congregation can hear the results in a less defensive way than we have in the past. as part of this resolution, the long range planning committee needs to offer the church a mission statement before spring and lay leadership needs to empower functionality in our committees that have, mostly, been laid to waste by our dysfunctional and overextended previous structure.

10) get a dog - while it sounds simple enough, this one is highly conditional. for us to have a dog, we also must move into a new and bigger house. each passing birthday or holiday, our home magically shrinks just a little. and while we love our home, all four of us are starting to see the benefits of graduating into something a little more room-y. sarah started pining for a new house late last year. i have a feeling, after hosting several little girls for hannah's belated birthday sleepover this coming weekend, the motivation may be renewed. at any rate, back to the goal at hand, i really like owning a dog. since kammie passed, it has never stopped feeling weird to look out into the backyard and see it empty and alone. i think i am ready for another "man's best friend", but only if the condition of upgrading our home is met first.

well, that's it. that's this year's list. every single one of these will require intentional effort and concern to be met, and every single one would make me a happier and healthier person if i could claim "victory" at the end of the year.

for those of you that are worried, no, of course i haven't forgotten about sarah and the girls. they are and will always remain my number one priority (no offense, g-o-d. i just choose to see you as part of all of it). rather than using them as a gimmick or a gimme and including them on my list, they can rest assured that i will take care of them as best i know how.

"so i'm nailing shards of hope together to put something over my head...
'cuz you know here it's always raining, and it happened again. it happened again...
she said, i let this slide when we were younger, you know you don't have to write like this...
the whole world's full of losers. if you've got a chance to win, TAKE IT!!!"

the color of urine
(2009 year in review)
((the curse of dcd))


this might not be as relevant a topic for my female readers (at least those that pee sitting down, wipe and never inspect their urine the way that men, by nature, are accustomed to doing), and for that, i apologize. but the question is this. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? if you are anything like me, pre-june, not very much. if it comes/came out extraordinarily yellow, one might think to themself, "man, i should drink more water." if it comes/came out extraordinarily clear, one might think to themself, "man, i've been drinking a lot of water." and that's about it, right? it was for me. for 32 and a half years, going to the bathroom standing up was about as unexciting a part of my day as it would be for any other human being.

and then, i peed blood.

the night in question was rather unremarkable. a pretty normal monday night as monday nights go. i played softball. have zero recollection as to whether or not we won (the trauma that would follow has rendered those events rather meaningless). i was probably dehydrated as i always was and had been before that night. i never drank water. always drank coke. probably quenched my thirst, post-game, with something carbonated. i half-way cleaned up. was ready for bed. went to the bathroom.

and then, i peed blood.

having never done so before, you can imagine my surprise. i went and got sarah, we went downstairs and started to google. i didn't even know what to be afraid of, but i was wishing that it was a one time thing. a figment of my imagination. we saw several options online, i calmed down enough to go to bed and sleep for a bit. i got up, nervously walked into the bathroom...

and then, i peed blood. again.

so, you are saying that something was off?

i called the doctor and you've heard the story since then. i was treated for an infection. i drank tons of water. things seemed to clear up. maybe they were right. maybe it was just "a really bad infection." several days passed. i started to feel better. one day remaining of my antibiotics. woke up six days after the initial incident thinking i had dodged a bullet.

and then i peed blood.

dammit.

"normal sized..."

"this is not."

"...mass."

"come back monday with your wife, and we'll talk about a plan."

"am i going to die?"

"no."

"you're sure??? i'm gonna make it?"

"we've got some work to do, but you are going to make it."

surgery.

day after.

"it was what we thought it was."

"renal cell carcinoma."

"completely isolated."

"totally contained."

"you can celebrate."

what the fuck just happened?

recovery.

sore.

dizzy.

scared.

getting stronger.

start to go crazy.

i am crazy.

seeing spots.

vision exam.

glasses (that i don't wear).

no eye tumors.

have a brainscan.

no tumor.

still feel crazy.

chest x-ray.

"results...negative"

get medicine.

start feeling a little better.

my elbow hurts.

what's that thing in my neck?

"it's a gland. or a lymph node."

"you are fine."

i don't believe you.

"you are going to be fine."

we'll see.

back to the original question. how often do you pay attention, when going number one, to the liquid waste that is coming out of your body? since that night in mid-june, i do every time.

every. single. time.

the intensity with which i anticipate going to the bathroom is knee-buckling at times. what if i pee blood again??? i only have one kidney now. i don't have a safety net. i am too young. i don't want to lose my family. i am not ready to die. I AM NOT READY TO DIE!!! WHY AM I SHAKING AGAIN? WHY AM I YELLING AT MY DAUGHTERS?

snap out of it, kevin...

please. chill the fuck out.

ok. i'll try. god help me. let 2010 be different. let 2010 be something else. let it be a celebration of the life i was taking for granted. let it be the first step in being prepared to handle something like this in a healthier fashion (for all involved) than i was able to this year.

let's rewind.

1) be a serviceable lay leader - well, serviceable was about as good as i can rank myself here. many pastors claim that the first year in their congregation isn't about doing as much as it is learning and getting to know their congregation. i tried to take the same approach, myself. i made all but one sprc meeting. i didn't miss a finance meeting. co-chaired a relatively smooth nominating process. took in a whole lot. didn't speak out of turn once. offered several opinions on things i thought important. didn't pick any fights. left some on the table. got through a fairly easy pastor transition. set my eyes upon being more proactive and visible in the coming year. all of which leaves me with what? a passing grade? yeah, i would think so. there are probably some that would still argue that i and my sunday school class had way too much to do with a pastor and some "key" members tucking tail, but i would argue that no one makes you leave a church. if there is a problem, it's a "you" problem as colin cowherd would put it. that's for another post. now, if my sunday school class and i can just shake this damned curse. more on that later.

2) don't die - i have shuddered every time i've gone back and read this since june. for each time this has made the list the last few years, it's been with tongue planted firmly in cheek. it will be number one with a bullet next year, but for very different reasons and with very different thought behind it. not that not dying was never important. it was. it just wasn't until this year that it sunk it that is was going to happen to me sometime. and maybe if i hadn't peed blood, it would have happened a lot sooner than later. shudder. nevertheless, if i am lucky enough to claim this as my second chance, things will be different moving forward in a major way. "don't die"??? check. goodness.

3) buy a motorcycle - in an ironic twist of fate attached to my losing a kidney, my doctor only set two limitations on my life moving forward when i asked him what i would have to change. "no motorcycles. no trampolines." if that means not meeting my maker for a long time, you just tell me where to sign, dr. wade. anybody got a pen?

4) speaking of my brother... - this one resolved to spend more time with brian, because my life is a better place when he is close and in it. unfortunately, the only time i saw him was when he made the trip to see me through my surgery. i am not sure if he or i imagined that he'd be helping me out of a hospital bed in 2009, but he never thought twice about coming. and i love him for that, even if i couldn't make this resolution happen.

5) don't get fat - mostly thanks to the extreme amounts of weight that i lost worrying about my condition and not eating for three days after the surgery, this one gets a check in the "success" column. i am hopeful that next year weighs more on my healthy habits (better diet, continued exercise) moreso than another trip to the operating table.

6) handle hannah's transition to kindergarten with dignity and respect - really, i handled this quite well. in truth, her going to school fell victim to my selfish state of mind when it came around at the beginning of august. i was only beginning to lose my mind, and, while it seemed sad and wonderful at the same time that she would be going to school, i didn't have it in me to shed vast amounts of time and energy worrying about her being ok. or mommy being ok. or my being ok. truth be told, she handled it better than anybody, and that's the way it was always going to be.

7) handle alabama's growing pains in 2009 with dignity and respect - lost a senior quarterback? starting running back? three starters off the offensive line, including two all-americans? who cares, right? i am so glad i was wrong on this one. this alabama football season has meant more to my mental healing than i probably even know. jan. 7th is very close now.

8) be more intentional about finding time for my friends - for the most part, an unfortunate fail must be registered on this one. sure, i saw kiker at softball and on several occasions outside of that, but circumstances dealt my want to see andy more a cruel blow and chris perry and i never hooked up. i found and find them on facebook now and the temptation to let that be good enough will be hard to fight. as i mentioned in january, i know we are "busy", but jeez. i saw one football game with the boys all together this year??? one??? one can hope that the national championship game will provide the means to make up for lost time. i will say, though, that there are and were beautiful exceptions to this rule. i feel like i got to spend a lot of good time with amy and katie, and let me be brutally honest for a second. i could not have made it through the year without my sunday school class. to kathy, brad, donald, tanya, chris, melinda, kim and deb...thank you for inviting me and sarah into your fold. thanks for putting up with all my sarcastic and inappropriate comments and language. thank you for your support. and thank you for your friendship. i would have always done anything for you if you had asked, but now i look forward to those opportunities. i love you all. now if we could only get past that curse. more on that later.

9) introduce other voices to HACAM - this started off with a bang. i appreciate rebecca and kiker's contributions. things waned heavily in my making it a priority, though, in the latter 3/4ths of the year, but this is still going to happen. this blog is going to feel a lot different next year. and that's a first glimpse of one resolution for 2010.

10) don't let the church consume me - you know. i made this work. i do feel like we are there every time the doors open again. and i was at a lot of meetings, events, etc. maybe because we did it more as a family than when i was on staff, but this year will provide a good template for next year and hopefully many years after that.

and now...saying good-bye to the curse of dcd.

i am not very well versed on being the victim of a curse. perhaps, you don't know that you are, in fact, cursed until you come out the other side. let's take a look at certain proverbial stones that struck the heads of the weeds class in 2009.

cancer.

the death of a husband/father/friend.

the celebration of a newborn child tempered by the realization that something is amiss.

the passing of the mother of one of our emeritus members.

why did all of this happen to us? was it because we didn't get along very well with the previous pastor and he has used his black magic, upon leaving, to ruin our lives? well, that's my theory, but i am rarely (and by "rarely" i mean usually) right about anything.

were we just unlucky? maybe in some terms. in others, though...

i lost a kidney, but not my life.

our class was blessed with healthy twins and a fighter in the mighty noah that will make all of us, most especially his incredible parents, better human beings.

one of us was a serviceable lay leader.

one of us rejoined our church's staff.

one of us will manage our facility with a strong, yet humble, hand.

one of us (with the help of the rest of us) will always make vbs rock even if she says this year is her last year.

one of us is now a city councilperson and can get me free stuff (oh yeah, and change her church AND her city for the better)

one of us continues to make our daycare a place worthy of a waiting list.

one of us championed our children, challenged our council and then led the way by shepherding our many faces of our future, herself.

one of us will bring our worship technology into the current millenia.

one of us will set an example for all our of church's mothers through the trials she has and will continue to overcome at home.

one of us, with his "questions", got this ball rolling.

were we cursed after june? as far as this blog was concerned, um, yes. absolutely.

in reality, crappy things happened, but lessons in perspective through the victories that we enjoyed together will forge, for us, a brighter tomorrow. that's a promise.

good riddance, 2009. don't let propaghandi hit you on the way out. because they will hit you. hit you in the face with my best record of the year.

2009...

the end of my world as i knew it.