turn a (catch)phrase


SCRIPTURE RIP ALERT: "and when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that i'll be there." matthew 18:20, the message

about a month ago, i riffed on worship as seen through my own eyes just having witnessed the facebook thread that would never end dealing with the same subject matter. i won't rehash the entire conversation here, but just so you don't have to waste your time clicking on the above link, the short version goes like this. i wondered out loud to my facebook nation, "why didn't i miss worship?", even though i had been out and away from the sanctuary for a number of consecutive weeks. people answered the question for me. people told me they missed me. people got a little offended that i had let myself miss as many weeks as i had. people also got offended at the implication that there wasn't a whole lot there to miss. people defended worship. people defended their own methods of worship. and people finally let the conversation die without us ever coming up with an answer to the original question, "why don't i miss worship?"

not that i was really looking for an answer. i was just looking for a conversation.

the fact of the matter is i already knew the answer. i didn't miss worship because i didn't look forward to it in the first place. i haven't in a long while. that's not to say that i don't look forward to seeing the people of huffman or being in a place that calls to mind memories laid before me by the ghost of christmas past. that's not to say that i don't enjoy seeing my daughters sing in front of their church. that's not to say that i don't enjoy how much caroline looks forward to seeing ms. charlotte and ms. kay and ms. jane. i do enjoy all of those things. it's just that most of them, if not all, don't really have anything to do with how i worship.

saturday night at "christmas in limbo", i worshiped.

what's interesting about that particular evening and most every gathering of limbo is our "worship" order is always quite "traditional", at least for us. there was/is food. there was/is fellowship. on saturday night, there was also catchphrase.

that's it. that's the list.

no message. no offering (unless you count the food). no message boomed or spoken softly (or joked around/about then boomed and/or spoken softly) at the congregation from a pulpit that is designed with visibility/superiority/expertise (your choice) in mind.


"when two or three twenty-six are gathered together because of me, you can be sure i'll be there."

less than five points into our first of three (the third being a classic) games, someone uttered "fuck." in frustration, quickly alerting those new to the "fold" that this wasn't your grandfather's catchphrase. this was more than a game. it was going to be an experience. a journey. a path to enlightenment.

just like always.

the more thought i have given to the idea of corporate worship over the last several weeks, the more convinced i am of the one thing any corporate worship gathering should be. an experience. if the service, on the whole, does not leave you feeling like you've been witness to something that you couldn't have gotten anywhere else, what's the point?

how we read "experience" is every bit as personal and unique as how we might feel "experience". to each and every one of us, those that choose to collect in a house of faith, we will enter that house with certain expectations and we will leave that house with those expectations exceeded, met, or left wanting.

when i have entered humc's sanctuary for the last however many years, i haven't been left wanting. i expect exactly what tends to be produced. the normal order of worship. a different collection of hymns each week. a new-ish anthem. a message. a benediction. a communion once every four weeks. i don't expect to be wowed. i don't expect miracles. i expect a gathering that feels like we are going through the motions more often than not, and those expectations are not often disappointed. not that there is anything wrong with that. as was noted in the november 15th post, for some, there is something very right with that.

so, what was it about saturday's game of catchphrase that was different then?

well, it's hard to put an exact finger on it, but i'll try.


as proven by the early exclamation of "fuck.", their was an immediate air of honesty in the room. novel, right? by saying that one dirty word, it was announced to the circle of humans playing that you could feel free to be yourself. you didn't have to dress up. you didn't have to put away your blue language that you may or may not use in every other walk of life. you didn't have to pretend to be something you were not. you just had to...be. whatever that meant for each and every person in the room was as different as you and i, but it also defined a certain solidarity that couldn't have been identified through a praise chorus or a scripture reading.

there was something else going on outside of the genuine airing of grievances, though. it was more than that. it was also that those in the room had gathered not out of obligation but out of intentionality. anyone that has been to a live sporting event to root on the home team knows the feeling that i am talking about. chances are you will have never met that guy in front of you with the retro jersey on before the game, nor the woman behind you with her face painted, nor that dude beside you that is way too big to have only paid for one seat. if the home team does something extraordinary, though, you are bound, almost by an understood contract, to go apeshit with them by sharing in high-fives and bear hugs that last just a beat too long. the same could be said for the limbo gathering. even split into two different teams, our reason for gathering together that night was similar. there was something about that group or someone in that group that we wanted to be around. every one of us shared that same concern.

did we take time out from the game for a group prayer? a devotional? to whisper our innermost thoughts into a confessional camera in the butler's pantry? no, we didn't, but we are totally doing the confessional camera next year.

no, we didn't do any of that, but we showed up in one place together saturday night because almost 100 weeks ago, a small group was established with one of founding tenets being "church can't really suck this hard, right?" (in so many words)

now, do i believe that limbo is the most special-ist place on earth and we can't begin to hope to find that atmosphere in other places within a community of faith? no, of course not. as a matter of fact, a degree of it will also be present at the weeds gathering tomorrow night. common threads? honesty? a belief that a gathering of "church folk" doesn't have to be all "churched" up, and a want to be there. i don't think it's a coincidence that tomorrow, a meeting away from the church grounds, will likely be one of the highlights of the weeds' year.

so, what does saturday night and all of this mean to your current perspective on worship?

it's a good question. i think it means that all is not lost for the general idea of corporate worship. but i also think it means that it is beyond time to reexamine what worship really is, why we do it, and what we want to get out of it moving into the next generation of huffman united methodist church. it doesn't mean confrontation must happen. it only means honesty does.

in this story, tradition is not the bad guy. tradition has brought us here and asked us to evolve. if we do not, tradition will be our legacy and our future will be written by the next congregation that buys our campus.

that seems like a sad way to go out.

limbo is not the answer for everyone, i am sure of it, but i'd like to believe it and groups like it could provide a blueprint, or a talking point at the very least, for a new way of doing "church".

in the meantime, thank You for saturday night.

amen.

i resolve
(2011)


"i'm so used to shooting myself in the kneecaps, standing in the way of progress and letting down my friends..."

if 2010 was the year i faced my fears, 2011 will be about moving forward and letting go. it's not exactly january one. i get that, but this post was never going to be properly based in my reality until after i had my 18 months-out scan. had the scan i now have, and i am super happy to report (granted, HACAM is late to the story...facebook got the exclusive) that my remaining kidney was, in the words of my doctor, "working like a champ" and there were "no surprises" to be found. so, what does that mean, exactly? well, for one, it means i can take another deep breath. for two, it means that i can go to the bathroom for a few months without the fear of seeing blood in my urine. it may sound silly, but, let me tell you, i will never take going to the bathroom and everything being "normal" for granted for the rest of my life. that last tuesday's scan gave me the peace of mind to not worry about that type of thing, if even for a little while, it was worth it. for three, and this is probably the most important realization i've come to in the last seven days, it would seem to me (me, of course, catching up with the rest of my world) that i am currently cancer-free. now, a more rational person may argue, "but, kevin, weren't you technically cancer-free on july 23rd of 2009 when they removed that rotten kidney from your abdomen?" the rational person, it has been proven, would be correct. that's not the way i've viewed things for the last 18 months, though. the way i've seen it, if there was one bad cell in my body that could grow into many bad cells that could grow into a tumor, surely there were more of those bad cells lurking in my body and had only yet to be found. for 18 months, i've been waiting, not so patiently, for the "other shoe" to drop, having one of my many tests or scans to show me what i had already convinced myself of to be true. that i still had cancer. but, the thing is, i didn't. or, i don't. what everyone else knew that i couldn't own was the form of cancer that was inside of my body had a relatively simple curative treatment if the cancer was contained, which mine was. remove the kidney. the pathology report showed that the cancer was isolated, it had not reached the margins of the organ and i was to "celebrate" my good news. i just. couldn't. do it. what about my chemo? what about my radiation? i haven't even seen an oncologist! this isn't how cancer goes! but, for me. it did. over the last seven days, i've started to realize what's been true now for 18 months. i was fucking lucky. and i don't have cancer. if something had spread from my kidney tumor, it would have manifested itself somewhere else by now. it hasn't. thank you, god. does last tuesday's test mean i will never be sick again in my life or that i'll never have to fight off something else somewhere down the road? no, of course it doesn't. but what it does mean is i am back with the rest of you. my risk is no greater. my chances are no higher. everything left behind in my urological system is ticking as it should. "no surprises" were found. i guess my physical story has been about the same for 18 months now. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do. i'll still worry about stupid things. i did that before june of 2009. i'll still be hyper-aware of things that are changing in and with my body. that's just me. emotionally, i've had some catching up to do, but i am just about caught up. hey there, friends. my name is kevin o'kelley. nice to see you again.

to the list...

1) don't die - you didn't think the above would let this baby slip from number one, did you? something haunting hit me as i was mentally outlining today's post. that being, if i kept "don't die" on my resolutions list every year, one year i was going to fail and not be able to write about the lessons i had learned from the failure afterward. i am still nowhere comfortable with the thought of moving on to whatever is next. maybe, if i am lucky enough to be around in 25 years, "don't die" will have slid down to, like, number 7. in 2011? it's numero uno.

2) see fewer doctors - in the last 18-ish months, i have had the following: 4 abdominal ct scans (the first one that found the tumor), 4 chest x-rays, 1 chest ct (required because of the motion artifact of july, 2010), 1 brain scan (a "peace of mind scan" that my primary care doctor allowed and set up for me because my post-operation dizziness had me convinced that i had a brain tumor), 3 moles removed at the dermatologist (surely you didn't think i would automatically rule skin cancer out.) 1 set of glasses issued (i started seeing noticing floaters shortly after my surgery, which prompted a visit to an eye doctor. i was certain i had something dreadfully wrong, "eye tumors" if you will) that i never wear but note every time i squint i should probably give them a try (what? i went to the optometrist to make sure i didn't have "eye tumors", not to get glasses!), many blood tests, i've been on and now off the anti-depressant, lexapro, i 've been poked, prodded, listened to and lectured by at least 5, maybe 6 different doctors. it's time to cut that number back a little bit. schaeffer eye center keeps calling me to make sure i come back in for my yearly visit. i should go and do that. sarah's gonna make me get more moles cut off toward the end of the year at that annual trip, and i am guessing i'll have to visit my pcp at least a couple times, but cutting many doctor's visits down to a few would be a giant step forward. 

3) don't get fat - "don't get fat" reappears after a one year absence from the list. the reason? i keep putting on weight. at my last two pcp checkups, my weight was higher than the previous visit. adding insult to that injury, i did a body mass test on the wii a couple weeks ago and it, too, told me i had gained weight. now, obviously, i am not fat...yet, but i've come to realize that if i don't start eating a little better, i think, for the first time in my life, i could be. whether it's my metabolism slowing down a little or a combination of that and bad food choices, 2011 will be the year that i take my body back and intimidate you all with my level of fitness. which brings us to number 4...

4) run - what. the. fuck? seriously, if you had told me five year's ago that i would have "run" on a resolutions list, i would've laughed at you and told you to pass me another hot dog. no, really. pass me a hot dog. with chili. and onions. and extra cheese. slaw, too, please. dunk that motherscratcher in gravy with a side of sweet heat chips and then (and only then) could you explain to me how in five years i would think that adding "run" to my list of resolutions would be a good idea. but, here we are. and i am going to do it. at this point, i have to. i've already bought running shoes. i've committed. and so, the specific goal will be this. run in at least one 5k by the end of the spring and a 10k by the end of the fall. after my first "run" on sunday left me looking for a neighbor's trash can to vomit in, i know i've got a long way to go. if you ask me, though, this one is going to be a gimme.

5) find kiker and andy again - this one is hard, because it's unexpected as well. i am not sure how i lost tangible touch with two of my closest friends of my last ten years, but it happened. we've had long bouts of not being able to hang before, but we always had football season to look forward to. then, this year happened. and came. and went without us getting together if only for one bama blowout. it's takes two to tango. i know this. and i understand my prioritizing limbo over some baptist cult in palmerdale (don't gasp...they'll know i'm kidding) has played a significant role in the lack of hang-time, but i do miss them. and i miss them in a way that facebook is never going to be able to solve. here's hoping i can find a way to make this a win by the end of the year, with a genuine hope that we can make it happen sooner rather than later.

6) buy some freaking music - talk about slowing to a halt. one of the early staples of HACAM was the year end "best of my music" list, but we've had to discontinue that effort because i rarely buy any new music anymore, which is completely ridiculous. at 34, do i really want to already be that guy that has stopped listening to and looking for new artists? that guy that is now certain there will never be another band as kick-ass as blood brothers or bearvsshark once were. i don't want to be that guy, but i was that guy in 2010. my favorite album in 2010? fucking yeezy??? a kanye record??? have i lost my mind??? maybe, but maybe 2011 will be the year that saves me from myself. with new records on the horizon from blink, yellowcard, brand new, panic at the disco, fun, thrice, green day, taking back sunday and manchester orchestra among others, surely i can find room in my cd changer for more than the 7 or 8 records, total, that i spent money on last year. 

7) see julio play in a football game - over the last couple of years, this type of resolution would, obviously, be tied to heading to bryant-denny to see the tide, but sarah and i (and amy and katie) have gotten back in the habit of making it to at least one alabama game per season. the resolution is altogether different this year. as we all know now, julio is taking his talents to "what's soon to be my new favorite nfl team". there is a pretty good chance that whatever team drafts him will find their way through either atlanta or nashville. if they do (or even if they don't), i want to drive/fly to see him, blow him a kiss from the stands and tell him how much i still love him. hugs.

8) help move limbo into it's next phase - there is no confidential name or strategy to this one, merely the want to make sure limbo doesn't revel in her successful launch last year and stop moving forward. considering we've already helped out with one mission project in our daycare, committed to another this coming saturday and have tentative plans for a spin-off that's not really a spin-off bible study in the works, this one is well on it's way. every ministry in every church runs through its respective "dog days", though, where the temptation is to do what's minimally required for several weeks and justify the stagnant waters by saying "it's our time to recharge and refocus". the goal is for limbo to stay fresh and exciting and kinetic in a way that will motivate our established base to include even more of our friends and family as we move towards a productive calendar year.

9) don't be a lame duck lay leader - with the church in the early, survey stages of the natural church development effort, this one could be tricky. i want to be patient and let the process take hold and begin to work in our church in a way we haven't allowed in our two previous attempts. on the other hand, it's a valid concern that most everything completely stopped moving in the month of january to await the results of the first survey. here's hoping that the 30 members that are answering the questions are honest, and here's hoping that the congregation can hear the results in a less defensive way than we have in the past. as part of this resolution, the long range planning committee needs to offer the church a mission statement before spring and lay leadership needs to empower functionality in our committees that have, mostly, been laid to waste by our dysfunctional and overextended previous structure.

10) get a dog - while it sounds simple enough, this one is highly conditional. for us to have a dog, we also must move into a new and bigger house. each passing birthday or holiday, our home magically shrinks just a little. and while we love our home, all four of us are starting to see the benefits of graduating into something a little more room-y. sarah started pining for a new house late last year. i have a feeling, after hosting several little girls for hannah's belated birthday sleepover this coming weekend, the motivation may be renewed. at any rate, back to the goal at hand, i really like owning a dog. since kammie passed, it has never stopped feeling weird to look out into the backyard and see it empty and alone. i think i am ready for another "man's best friend", but only if the condition of upgrading our home is met first.

well, that's it. that's this year's list. every single one of these will require intentional effort and concern to be met, and every single one would make me a happier and healthier person if i could claim "victory" at the end of the year.

for those of you that are worried, no, of course i haven't forgotten about sarah and the girls. they are and will always remain my number one priority (no offense, g-o-d. i just choose to see you as part of all of it). rather than using them as a gimmick or a gimme and including them on my list, they can rest assured that i will take care of them as best i know how.

"so i'm nailing shards of hope together to put something over my head...
'cuz you know here it's always raining, and it happened again. it happened again...
she said, i let this slide when we were younger, you know you don't have to write like this...
the whole world's full of losers. if you've got a chance to win, TAKE IT!!!"

i'll probably grade myself on a curve
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part forty-four))


we had a pretty interesting conversation sunday in limbo about the idea and execution of new year's resolutions. the consensus in the room seemed to be that january 1 was a fairly arbitrary start date, but everyone was pretty keen with the notion of goal-setting, which was comforting, especially given that when i asked our collected group how many were planning on making resolutions this year, only three (myself included) out of eleven raised their hands. our hour together nailed down the fact, though, that we all wanted to find ways to better our lives and the lives of those around us even if we didn't agree on the concept of the calendar telling us when to do so.

me, i am a calendar guy. for as long as i've been setting goals on the blog and writing follow-ups like today's, my simple mind wraps itself quite easily around starting at the beginning of the year and evaluating at the end. and so, i continue that schedule today as i take my final official look-back into the year that was kevin o'kelley's 2010.

here is the refresher.

now, let's review...

1) don't die - ... maybe sliding this one up to number one last year after my scare in the summer of 2009 played a significant role in my still being here in january of 2011 to write this post. maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me to meet my maker last year. either way, i am glad that i am still here. i can't say that i didn't think A LOT about the idea of dying. every day, i am not shitting you, every day i have a deathdream. i am able to shake them off and away a lot quicker than i did in the final few months of 2009, but i am obviously still not at ease with what comes next. maybe i never will be. maybe this is one of my curses. it seems unfair to me and everyone around me that i can't get my head out of today and look ahead some to "tomorrow". i am glad i didn't die in 2010. i am. now, if i could just stop thinking about it so much. score: +1

2) get "operation limbo" off the ground, up and running - ... well, well, well. my first real success story of 2010. early last year, i asked jacob sutton and joseph florence to help me with a sketch that we would perform at the beginning of worship to pimp the idea, this idea in my head that was limbo at the time. jacob and joseph, in spite of the morning's technical difficulties, were really funny like they always are. the sketch had to do with the gap that had developed at our church in the last several years where there was no real group or place for students and young adults to plug into after high school. we had a couple of fledgling young-ish adult sunday school classes, but i wasn't real confident either would speak to the group that i had in mind for limbo. so, jacob and joseph riffed on the idea that now they were in their twenties, they were just hanging out in the sanctuary with no real purpose in the proverbial life of the church and joseph asked jacob what they were supposed to do about it. jacob's response? "we wait...................until we're 30." it was hilarious. and pointed. and true. and so, limbo was born. and now, at our church, you don't have to wait if you are looking for something after you've crossed that barrier into adulthood and come to the realization that you still have no idea what the hell is going on in the world. nowadays, i don't think of limbo as an "age-group" thing (we span from early twenties to mid-thirties) as much as i do a "this doesn't make sense to me. let's make sense of it together." group. and it seems to be working. part of our evolution in 2011 will be to become more effective and affective at getting our word and work out to the masses. looking back one more time, though, we've now had 37 unique and special people come to room 218 at some point in the last 45 weeks, and we gather every sunday morning with between 10-15. numbers are a pretty weak measure when it comes to spiritual impact, but they do suggest there was a need in our church (even if we are still dangling on the outer edge of the church corporate) and limbo is trying to help fill it. score: +1

 3) be a more than serviceable lay leader - ... hmm, this one is probably not the easiest for me to judge myself on. i could take a straw poll within the church and if the standard was "serviceable", well, i might get a pass. if it's "more than serviceable", i don't know. what has happened that is good in the life of the church over the last 12 months? consensus within the congregation is that we are in better "health". that meaning, there is less overall drama. members and visitors, alike, seem to be harris fans. our finances are currently well within order. long range planning has been meeting and visioning for over six months. natural church development is starting back up and the church, right now, seems committed to that process. our connectional giving has improved drastically with the church meeting it's "target" in 2010 (for the first time in a very, very long time). leadership in the church is getting younger, in no small part to the weeds and limbo. along those lines, we made efforts to streamline the administrative board of the church in the hopes that 2011 will be more efficient. missions are still happening and giving members opportunities to serve. the halloween carnival succeeded again. the children's place daycare is a lighthouse and symbol of hope in our immediate community. i am probably forgetting many others. but, this all begs the question, what credit can i take for any of it? what blame rests at my feet if i were to list the cons of 2010, too. it's a good question, and we'll address it again soon. "serviceable" in the church is relative, thus "more than serviceable" probably is as well. i am going to give myself a point here. if you disagree, please feel free to comment and tell me why. score: +1

4) prepare for the inevitable - ... ugh. i called this one, right? not that it took a rocket scientist to predict that any college football team would eventually lose a game, and lose a game(s) alabama did. in spite of their talent and potential that was on full display for 20 minutes of the iron bowl and 60 of the capital one bowl, alabama finished a disappointing 10-3 and probably 10 spots lower than their preseason number one ranking. the first loss to south carolina was easier than i thought it would be to swallow, mainly because they were down the whole game. the idea of predicting the future of next year's team with the likely departures of 3-5 underclassmen seems discouraging currently. we'll wait til after the a-day game for that. and we'll also give myself credit for being a realist with this particular resolution a year ago. score: +1

5) don't forget about my deceitfully evil gang of weeds - ... maybe my first miss of 2010. i remember vividly the conversation that i had with the weeds on a sunday morning early on in 2010, that i was thinking of using my positive, free and clear scan in january as a springboard to get my head back in the game of making a difference in the church again. what that meant to them was that i wouldn't be available on sunday mornings anymore. my doing limbo, kathy and deb doing kids sunday school, the goldens having their hands full with noah, kim getting elected to city council, among other things pulled our sunday school class in many different directions, and it's been hard to feel like a cohesive whole all year. i don't know that blaming any one person or event or circumstance would do justice to all the mitigating factors. i didn't "forget" the weeds, but actions spoke louder than words. score: -1

6) say no to drugs... and by drugs, i mean lexapro - ... an interesting result with this one. i told myself that if i got a clean bill of health again in july, i would start to wean myself off of the anti-depressant. even though there was a little scare with a "motion artifact" in my lung that turned out to be nothing, the clean bill of health came a few days after i had my scan on july 9. after that, i took a half-dose of the lexapro through my and sarah's trip to gatlinburg later that month and then put the pill bottle in the pantry for good. since then, it's been an up and down ride. i have found my good moods hard to sustain, especially the last couple of months, what with the anticipation of the next scan this month ramping up my awareness of every little thing in my body that's not 100 percent anymore. the bottle of lexapro sits right next to my bottle of multi-vitamins in the pantry, and the last two or three weeks i've wondered if starting them again wouldn't be better for me and my family. maybe all the doctor would order is another clean scan and some peace of mind to go along with the apple a day. we'll see soon enough. this one is a technical notch in the "win" column, with mixed results as to the quality of my life since i realized the resolution. score: +1

7) find brian again - ...hmm. does seeing him on one road trip, three visits in three days count as a "win"? maybe, but probably not. i am going to give myself a half-point here, because we did have to drive six hours to see him and it probably ended up being one of the more fulfilling three days of my year, but seeing them once per year doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you are talking about someone that i care so deeply about. score:  +.5

8) find dad again - my second full-fledged fail. for me, the spirit of this one is more important than the letter number of times we saw each other, which was actually several thanks to a lunch or two, a handful of hannah's socccer games and a christmas get together. no one did anything "wrong" this year. i just don't know if i feel like we are any closer to being closer. i hope so. for 2010, though? score: -1

9) take ken to a braves game - ... another technical win, even if it didn't flesh itself out to us seeing each other as much as i would have liked to. we went to an incredible phillies game the second week of the season that included a jason heyward homer and a walk-off by nate mcclouth. ken even returned the favor by picking up the tab for the bullet through the forehead that ended up being game three of the division series with the giants. much like brian, i think if we were a little closer, ken and i would be, too. the distance and just life, i guess, has been a riddle we have not been able to solve the last few years. bottom line for the grade, though, is i did, in fact, take ken to a braves game. score: +1

10) keep loving my girls - ... the one big "gimme" of last year. i did keep loving sarah, hannah and caroline. it's hard, at times, to keep that loving from becoming conditional. i'll love you like you deserve just so long as you don't piss me off, okay? that kind of sentiment. hannah is really hard right now, and it's a combination of a lot of things i know. hanging out with older kids at daycare. observing and mimicking older girls that she sees on television and at church. having to deal with a little sister that always wants to do what she does. i know it's tough. now that she's her own little person, she wants more than anything to figure out who she is and she wants it to happen fast. she needs her way all the time. she is hardheaded. just like me. she has a quick temper. just like me. once the heat of any moment has passed, she wants to over-manipulate the rest of the day/night to make sure everything is okay. just like me. she is infuriating. i am sure...just like me. caroline, on the other hand, is three. she's a silly three and is really only a handful when our agenda takes the onus away from her being the center of the universe. no problem with four people in the house, right? ugh. she's adorable most of the time, though, and she's grown to love her daddy in 2010 much like i feel hannah always has. it's been nice. i hope that sarah and i can keep our collective heads in 2011 when it comes to the girls. our daughters really are too special to not appreciate them being in our lives every waking second. score: +1

wrapping up, let's see, it looks like i went 7.5 for 10!!! not too bad if i say so myself, which i just did. 

i read several status updates on new year's eve that spoke very poorly of 2010, and i hate that it was a tough year for so many people, including some dear friends. at the same time, i am happy that last year was much less volatile for the o'kelley family. if you removed me being constantly worried about things i have no control over from the equation, who knows what kind of banner year it may have been. that thought will be a nice springboard into my resolutions for 2011, which i'll try and have posted shortly after my january scan. 

one final thanks for everyone that stopped by hannah and caroline and me in 2010. whether you love me, hate me or are somewhere in between, whether you agree with me or disagree with me and my potty mouth, whether you came here through your own free will or were forcefully handed a copy of a post or emailed a link, thank you for sharing in this experience with me. this is an open place. an honest place. a place that makes me strive to be a better person for you and for "you".

if you would begrudge me or me in this forum, shame on you, and get a fucking life. you have more important things to worry about. go invite someone to church for god's sake instead of waiting on someone to save the church for you. 

a happy 2011 for those of you that love HACAM for what it is. comment more in 2011! if you write, write more! about anything!!! 

2010.

the end.    

a penny for your thoughts
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part thirty-eight))

torn.

it's what i've been for months.

torn.

torn between advocating on behalf of anonymous commenters and people that wish the pastor would send me to "christian delinquent" camp and members that wished djg had a magical influence over my hypocritical ass...torn between advocating on behalf of all the people that think know that i am the worst lay leader in the history of lay leaders and dropping this whole deal to sit in my pew, twiddling my thumbs with the all of you.

this morning, limbo started finding it's way to the crux of our situation. for 27 weeks, we've been pounding the pavement of what our function within the walls of huffman united methodist church was. did we have any function at all? was this church that was so generous to allow us one of the empty-ass sunday school classrooms to meet in representative of a system/structure/organism that we i believed in any more.

our talking point was an article whose author believed that 60 (!!!) percent of this country's population was culturally and relevantly removed from the way churches went about their business. the author (allan hirsch) lobbied his readers to embrace a new paradigm, one that encourages members of the outdated churches to take the spirit (not the letter. out of context scripture vomited from your mouth scares people. get it?) of the gospel of jesus christ to the 60 percent on their own turf in their own culture. it was an interesting angle and take. who knows where the dude came up with his numbers, but, in turn, it begged me to ask limbo this question(s).

is the "church" and church you are familiar with worth saving? is all of it's symbols and tradition and romance something worth working out the kinks, or is it time to say, "you know what? this shit isn't working. let's try something new."

a disclaimer should be entered here. no matter what you or we think of "church", there is one thing about this morning's conversation that is INDISPUTABLE. if not for huffman united methodist church and the people and our shared history and the resources and freedoms or sometimes lack thereof, there would be no limbo. it's just that simple.

on one side of the argument, you've got anonymous commenters and the like that are so blindly in love (a good thing, mind you) and loyal to their church that if some dickhead-sounding whippersnapper questions the church's means and motivations, well, then you absolutely wouldn't want to take communion from that asshole.

another side of a different coin might be interested in the idea that "church" by definition is limiting, just another governing, hierarchical body constructed so that type a's may assume leadership positions and enforce their own agendas under the guise that "jesus is lord" but might actually be operating under the "joe. q. awesome everyman is lord" concept, rarely discerning, frequently reactionary and built to eventually fail as every business model ultimately will.

before i closed our conversation this morning, i told the group that once hannah left for children's worship (didn't realize there would be none due to youth sunday), i'd yank out my phone and starting reading about football again.

reagan then asked the million dollar question that even anonymous commenters haven't asked.

"so, why even bother?"

it's a great question. a fair one. completely legitimate. and i answered him this way, the same answer that i hinted at in "the first post of september".

because i believe in the "idea" of "church". more specifically, i still believe in the "idea" of huffman united methodist church.

just because i am the definition of "hypocrisy" or a dickhead or a douchebag or an asshole doesn't give me the right as a parent to completely destroy the girls own experiences with church by poisoning them with mine.

do i see the limitations inherent in infrastructures that even call for positions such as "lay leader" (like i am qualified to lead anyone in a spiritual setting). well, of course i do. in my opinion, though, the same walls or boundaries or limits are part and parcel to any relationship. if you actively choose to marry something other than yourself, you are compromising part of yourself. if you actively choose to relate to any one thing, you say to yourself, "my experience tells me i am better off with you/it/etc. than without. let's do this shit." and when you relate to anything other than yourself, you give up on the idea that you will be solely responsible for the health of the relationship. it's not up to you anymore. it's up to y'all.

and so, as it relates to huffman united methodist church, i choose to be in relationship with the organism that is that community of faith. i choose to go every sunday even when i know people talk to the pastor behind my back. i choose to do so even when i am confident that the worship service will be, "second verse, same as the first."

i do so because i choose to. and here's the rub, anonymous commenter(s). i make all this noise because i genuinely believe in what i am doing. i believe, even if we absolutely refuse to change and make ourselves "better", that i am doing the right thing.

sucks for you, right? or not. just depends on what pisses you off and what doesn't.

i remain torn. i don't want to get in humc's way. there are days that i feel like i am more obstacle and less bulldozer.

i remain torn. i don't know if this system is what the god i love and spend time with had in mind for his work here.

while i am figuring it out, though, good thing there are several different stations for you to dunk your jesus bread in. while you're at it, maybe you can see those different stations and different options as a metaphor for our church experiences. different paths, different journeys, all finding our own way through the dark.

signed, the thorn in your side.

conversations with kathy
(part three)


Kathy: CWG, book 1, pg 13: "God created the process of life and life itself as you know it. Yet God gave you free choice, to do with as you will. In this sense, your will for you is God's will for you. You are living your life the way you are living your life, and I have no preference in the matter. This is the grand illusion in which you have engaged: that God cares one way or the other what you do."

I wish I could quote about three paragraphs here, because I know how this can be taken out of context, but we'll just go with it- maybe it will be more provocative :)

While some people may read this and tearfully respond, "God doesn't care about me," this whole idea of literal FREE WILL helped me figure out what to do with my life. Christianity is big on the WILL OF GOD. It's our responsibility to memorize it (according to the bible) or discern it (with the help of the Holy Spirit) and then bring ourselves to heel. But the idea that God has a plan for us- well, for some that might be comforting, but for me, it was terrifying.

WHAT is God's will for me? WHAT am I supposed to be doing with my life? See, if there's something I'm supposed to do, then there's a whole lot that I'm not supposed to do. I've been paralyzed by the fear of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong decision, choosing the wrong career...etc.

But what if there isn't a wrong answer? What if God is perfectly happy with me making choices that reflect who I am, rather than who someone else thinks I should be? What if I can't screw up? Think about how many things you might try if you weren't fearful of doing the WRONG thing? What if you knew that when you made a less than stellar choice, you could simply change your mind, choose again, and face no punishment (other than natural consequences)?

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kevin: i am glad you chose this topic, because it's one i've been dwelling on a lot, too, since reading the book several months back. our whole life landscape in the community of faith that is huffman united methodist church (we'll keep it local right now, since we are both part of that community) is constructed around these dated ideas of what we should and shouldn't do.


one of the reasons that i've been so sensitive to how people are perceiving limbo is that our group was borne out of the idea that church was doing it "wrong". now, to your point and this post's thread, "wrong" would be relative, so we'll go with limbo was borne out of the idea that (our) church was borderline irrelevant. due to the fact that i made the decision that we'd meet during the sunday school hour, the church has understood us to be nothing more than a sunday school, for better or worse, one that is "looking to be involved" and one that should probably be interested in luncheons that might be attractive to other "young adults" that are looking for a place to "plug in". limbo is seen as "filling a need" because we are all under 40 and weren't doing much within the church, corporate, before limbo got off the ground. while all of those things serve a noble and honest sentiment, they still miss the point. i am losing my point.


i think what i am trying to say is that we are salmon swimming upstream, fighting against the antiquated current of what "should be", a structure that was forged and laid hundreds upon hundreds of years ago. it is a structure that relies primarily on the idea that god will "punish" us if we don't figure out what it is that he wants us to do and appropriate our thoughts and measures according to how many generations before me have interpreted who god is through their reading of the scripture.


now, this begs the question, who am i to swim upstream? who i am i to question the proven theory and thesis that is christianity. if i didn't believe in "the story", i wouldn't be worried about my church and it's relevancy and limbo and/or vacation bible school or the halloween carnival or any of the other "ministries" that i have developed a passion for over my 33 year plus years. or, would i?


but back to your thought. or the book's thought. or god's thought. gosh, wouldn't that just be something? that all this time, the nature of our choices and the lives that we led would, at worst, lengthen the period of time between now and when it WILL BE that we meet "our maker". that the choices we make or don't make according to our communities of faith weren't necessarily wrong, but off-path. the nature of reward vs. consequence being thrown completely on its head. it's a lovely thought. it's a thought that my 33-plus years of living in the shadow of eternal separation from god being a reality is not totally comfortable with and totally in love with at the same time...

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The sunk-cost fallacy. That's what popped into my head. For those who aren't familiar with it, it's the argument that "money, time, or energy already invested justifies the investment of yet more time, energy, or money." In other words, if we've been doing religion a certain way for hundreds of years, then we should continue to do it that way because to change the way we do it would in essence be saying we've been doing it wrong all along. We don't want to have wasted all this time...so let's justify what we've been doing by continuing to do it :)

This is the problem with the "God said it, I believe it, that settles it!" crowd. Maybe if we believed that God was still talking, still evolving, then we'd still be listening and evolving too. Maybe we wouldn't be afraid to ask ourselves if God still wants us to be doing religion the way we have been...or if He ever wanted us to do it in the first place. Personally, I thought Jesus was preaching the message that religious law was trumped by personal freedom in God. Maybe I've misunderstood. Wouldn't be the first time. However, I've become cynical enough to believe that Churches have become bureaucracies whose sole purpose is to sustain their own existence. We need to bring people to Christ (church) so that they (or our church) can be saved.

Anyway- maybe that's a little off topic. Or maybe it's just the applying of these ideas at a corporate level, which is where you were going with it, I think. But can we change the way we perceive choice at the corporate level without changing how we see choice at the personal level?

A quick caveat- You've just read this book. I read it over 8 years ago for the first time. The first time I talked about these ideas with another person, I was trembling all over. The very foundation of my Christian belief was shaking apart, and it manifested physically in my body. I couldn't control the trembling- even my voice was shaking. Eight years later, these ideas no longer thrill and scare me at the same time. As I said when I gave you the book, the ideas took root in me, quietly and firmly, OVER TIME...and there they have remained. I trust my soul to discard false ideas. Funny that the ideas that have been discarded are Christianity's most fundamental beliefs.

----------------------------------------------------

regarding your caveat, it's obvious we found this book at very different points in our respective spiritual journeys, which i think is one of the reasons that having a back and forth about the ideas contained within the book are fun and invigorating. what i found while reading the book was not something scary or something that shook my foundation, rather ideas that characterized a god that i've always wanted to believe in but one that is continually reinforced in my "christian" experiences doesn't exist.


advancing the thought of churches having evolved into entities where survival is priority number one, well, you already know that i agree with you here. let's take a quick look at the northeast alabama united methodist conference for a second. god bless our beloved pastor, but it is now no secret that he is under immense political (read this word intentionally) pressure from his district superintendent and bishop to increase humc's connectional giving. so much pressure in fact, that if we do not change our giving habits, harris legitimately feels that a likely consequence will be his appointment being moved away from us. simply put, what kind of retarded logic and broken system would make such threats??? before i continue, let me reinforce what should already be obvious. i believe in the theory of the united methodist connectional system. in theory. i have colored my own person, literally, with how strongly i believe in it if done correctly. having said that, our system no longer is working in theory. in practice, it has been perverted. in practice, is the bishop truly concerned the the spiritual wellness of his congregations as shown through their connectional tithes, or he is concerned that our not giving makes his budget on the conference level more likely to be out of whack? there may be some of the former in there somewhere, but political threats such as the ones that have been levied against our pastor and congregation argue much more strongly for the latter. as much as i love harris, will humc stop being a church if he is removed and someone lower on the totem pole that the bishop feels we "deserve" is sent to us? of course not. we'll continue to fall back towards our "final stand" becoming more instinctual and more survival-prone and eventually we will dwindle away. but who does our dwindling away actually hurt? what harm will be done? in truth, not much. inventories will be taken. new ministries will arise. a new daycare in the heart of our community will open to service the needs of those we might leave behind. the conference budget will be adjusted to account for our absence. and that will be that.


in the first several meetings i took part in while serving as lay leader, i continually tried to ask the question, "who are we?" is humc a building or an idea? currently, i would say that we are a building. a building with old plumbing and old ideas and a congregation that is in love with our building and the way we've sustained ourselves for close to 140 years. shouldn't we be an idea, though? before the richards moved, as part of my rhetorical question i would say out loud that, while i loved my church, i would be okay if i worshipped around the richards' pool every sunday morning if it meant our church finally found a way to be an idea not handcuffed to a building.


this longwinded example speaks to choices our collective community makes out of fear of "the consequences". what if we could remove that from the equation...

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One of the quotes I'd wanted to include above I'll add here, paraphrased: God is like a parent who sends his children into the back yard to play. He doesn't care WHAT we play- we could play hide and seek or capture the flag or kickball- it's up to us because he's put us in a safe place and he gives us the freedom to experience what we want. We may get hurt accidentally, or hurt someone in anger intentionally- and God, like a parent, would be quick to soothe and/or correct, but the next day, the children get to go out and play again.

Somehow we've gotten the idea that God wants us to play kickball (or church). And that's all we've played. And it's not fun anymore- we're bored, we don't know why we're still playing, and hardly any of our friends want to come over anymore.

Metaphors are just popping into my head like crazy- I'll try not to bore you.

You have to be willing to part with old, rarely worn, outdated clothes before you'll have room in your closet for new ones.

Nature's forest fires clear acres and acres of old wood so that a forest can be reborn.

You get the picture.

Why are we so afraid to let go of things that are no longer inspiring? I won't say they're no longer working, because for some people they work. But what we lack is inspiration. What makes you excited about God?

I'll be bold and say that I don't think God gives a flip about church. God cares about people joyfully experiencing their God-given potential, and let's face it, a majority of the time religion is stifling rather than inspiring.

God, IMO, doesn't care about church. We can do Sunday morning worship or Saturday afternoon football parties or Wednesday night supper clubs- out of those three, where do find yourself truly connecting with people?

We're free to do a new thing- why is that so hard to believe?

---------------------------------------------

well, i can only speak to my experience of course, but it is so hard to believe because it sounds too good to be true. at least, personally, it does.

church-wise, like i've said, i am and have been asking the same question? it shouldn't be this hard. it isn't this hard. we make it this hard.

we serve platitudes like "seek god's will" and "guide me, holy spirit" and "change the world" to each other without spelling out what any of those things actually mean. when i hear someone offer the advice that we just should "seek god's will", i cringe, because the implication is that i or we or our church isn't doing just that. it implies that the giver of the platitude has things completely figured out in their life and is hiding the magic answer from the rest of us. it rings hollow. just as it feels the practice of church as we currently know it and do it rings hollow for many, many people close to me.

does that mean we are right and the rest of the "christian" world is wrong? no, of course it doesn't. but, if even one part of god's collective genuinely feels a twinge to move in a direction opposite of the norm, it does a disservice to god's collective to not hear the differing opinion with the same weight as anyone else's.

if we are made in god's image and he has given us free choice that is associated with free will, we are doing shamefully little with that gift if we continue to constrain ourselves to someone else's right and wrong.

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Let's try (Ha!) to come full circle here. We've focused a lot on Christianity and the church experience in particular here, but that's only one example of how a belief in GOD'S WILL (as being somehow "out there" and separate from ours) can create staleness in life. Fear of doing the wrong thing, or the fear of failing to figure out God's will, paralyzes us from moving forward in TRUE FAITH. Faith to me is not about believing in things that can't be proven- Faith (to me) is believing that all is right in God's world and that what's happening cannot be outside of God's plan. How is it phrased in the book? "If you're looking for God, you're in luck! God is so big, you can't miss."

I'm going to make a prediction- which I will probably not be around to see-

I think that within the next century the church institution will die out and be replaced by small group communities. We are trying to inject life into a terminal patient. I understand why we're doing it- because we haven't figured out the alternative yet. But God has given us the ability to figure it out- and he's given us permission as well. Now, we just have to give ourselves permission.

now comes the hard part


it's been a year a one half since i took on the responsibility of being the lay leader of humc. there have been good times and so-so times concerning my being in that position during those eighteen months.

let's look at the positive. the atmosphere of the church is as healthy as it's been in years. that, probably, has nothing to do with me and more to do with the change from a dictator to a humble servant in the senior pastor's office. but, it has happened. with less drama to focus on, the church has been able to take somewhat sincere evaluations of ourself and look forward into our future with a cautiously optimistic attitude. harris has commissioned and asked me to lead a long-range planning committee. we have met three times this year, all ending with a very positive feeling of accomplishment. it's interesting, how a room full of honest people should be able to talk about their church and not get all bent out of shape and yet, the blissful feeling we've left with after our meetings has come across as quite novel. while that's a sad statement on the past, it's a good omen for the future. i've missed only one meeting in the 18 months that asked for my participation. the close to 100 percent attendance has allowed me to drive my heartfelt points and emotions home consistently without venom. if you hardly make a meeting and come to it with a point to drive home, it's going to be hard to take that person seriously. your motives and your agenda will be questioned. and your credibility will take a hit. i haven't always swung a big stick with my words, but i feel like my presence has been solid and stabilizing. then again, i could be giving myself too much credit to that end. what else? limbo is now 19 weeks old. it seems fairly certain that the group is here to stay. while limbo doesn't directly relate to my position as lay leader, i think it's a safe bet that we wouldn't be doing it i weren't as plugged in as i am. i may be forgetting things...

let's look at the negative. first off, not a lot has changed. that's not to say things are changing, and that is good. but 18 months into my "term", the church still doesn't have a unifying mission and we are still operating by, mostly, doing "what we've always done". as i've mentioned many times, there is immense worth in the ministry that is happening at humc, but that worth is not building a bridge to our future yet. it is renovating the bridge to our past. my (and harris') first run with the lay leadership committee was pretty weak. we gave ourselves too little time to find capable members to run our already overstretched and undermanned committees. we gave ourselves too little time to accurately inventory and restructure our current system. finally, we did "what we've always done" and asked people to sign up for positions that were not adequately spelled out, setting them up to fail. i hope that we can better our efforts this year. in spite of our efforts to look at huffman for what we truly are, it is my opinion that huffman still thinks too highly of our current standing in our community. yes, it's great that we are still here. yes, it's great the impact that the church is having on the families of our daycare children. the overwhelming feel, though, still permeates that the community "out there" is a goal to be achieved, heathens to save from being "lost", poor that need to be nourished with "the word" rather than they are just humans like us. humans that aren't official members of our club. as expected, my leadership style has been questioned. how dare i speak from my heart? how dare i not speak like a politician and not advocate for the congregation even when it still feels, to me, that the current pull of our congregation is in the wrong direction. how dare i be so "young" and so full of cuss words? how dare i this? how dare i that? listen, this part bothers me least. lord knows, i knew going in that there were 14 representative members of the church that didn't want me to be lay leader. i didn't want to change their minds. i just want to change our church. and change is happening...

i think.

what concerns me more than anything is the current feel within the church for limbo. and partly, that is my fault. it was me that thought it would be the best idea to start us during the normal "what we've always done" sunday school hour. maybe i don't want to make others feel bad when they obviously don't have a feel for what we are trying to do within that room. of course, i am sensitive and protective of the perception, because i want it to develop naturally. hearing that we "want to be involved" shouldn't be a curse, but a blessing. being involved doing "what we've always done", though, well, that holds no interest to me. you see, we are 19 weeks old. 19!!! we are consistent. i feel like we are excited to be with each other every sunday. but we are not ready to be defined. we are 19 weeks old. 19 hours, plus some, that means we have spent together as a unit. sometimes, we have to work. sometimes, we have life that takes us on vacation or to the lake. sometimes, we just need to sleep in. what we can't be is what you want us to be, not because we are actively trying to be rebellious but because, in many of our opinions, what you want us to be is misguided and in poor form. we are 19 hours old. 19 weeks old. it is not the church's fault that you are not copied on our correspondence. it is intentional. it is not coincidence that no outside pressure has come from those that are. they understand. this is a long way of saying, please back off and let limbo grow for a little while. if we are wasting your space this time next year, you can ask us to move.

wow. that was a tangent.

so, why the self-evaluation and limbo defense today? i guess, in so many words, because things still kind of feel off. and i am honestly wondering if our church would be better served if someone else served our current system in my current position. i am not saying this in a threatening manner whatsoever. it's not like the o'kelleys are going anywhere. well, these o'kelleys aren't. we are much too stubborn for that. if we are trying to grow doing "what we've always done", i don't know that i am the man for the job.

it's just something i am thinking about. and, in this era of social(-ized) media, you might as well hear me thinking...

since it concerns you.

why mike gibbs might save the world


one mike gibbs has been in and around my life for over ten freaking years now. that, in and of itself, is hard enough to wrap my head around. looking back over the history of my 33 years on this planet, there are very, very few characters in my play with such staying power. for those that have, each and every one of them have brought something magical, something...mystical, something...should i say, spiritual to my journey that for whatever reason i haven't been able to, better yet, don't want to let go.

this is richard alpert's mike gibbs' story.

for ten years (really, all, how hard is that for any of us to believe), i've been doing something that hasn't really been named and hasn't really always been promoted as a men's recreation "ministry". here's the rub. this "ministry" has been anything but in the conventional sense of the word. there have been no bible studies. there are very few prayers. unless we've been "damning" his name, there's been very few overt references to the big guy in the sky, the creator, the benevolent force, the queen mother earth, the man behind the curtain, whatever it is that you choose to call that something outside of yourself that may or may not, given the time of day, influence your decision making. there has been basketball. there has been even more softball (in terms of games played). there has been a very weak-ass attempt at flag-football (we were way too old and slow and not that great at football.). there have been friendships forged, some of them that will span the rest of our respective lives. there have been children born. there have been trucks stolen. there have been surprise birthday parties. there has been joy. pain. sorrow. grief. celebration. sadness. above it all, there has been progress.

mike gibbs came to us because i knew a guy named josh corwin. josh is the oldest son of a couple in our church. back in the day, chris perry, john rutland and i started playing basketball on monday nights. josh got word from his parents through chris, if i remember correctly. one of the first nights we played, josh brought two of his buddies, mike gibbs and nate beverly. josh was in and out of the picture for a number of reasons, but mike and nate stuck around a while. moreso than any other factor, this was mainly due to the softball season being a lot longer (josh didn't play softball). basketball lasted 8 games over two winter months. as any significant other of humc softball can attest, softball never ends. opening night is sometime in late march or early, early april. we play through the spring, through the summer, and far enough into the fall 'til the weather reminds us that it's time to play basketball again. mike and nate were part of the group that i still refer to, to this day, as the "founding fathers" of humc softball. me, chris perry, chris hicks, kiker, chip, mike, nate, paul sutton, doug foote, mark mccollister, and michael putman (chris, mark, kiker...am i forgetting anyone???). these players, as far as i am concerned, have lifetime contracts with humc softball. if they want to play, they get to play. if the fates brought us all back together for one final season, the new guys that we've collected and held onto for the last however many years would have to humor our effort and splinter off into a second humc team which i would beg of them to play on as well. the founding fathers practiced across the street from the church on the rocky huffman senior high recreation field. we sang the "greatest american hero" theme song in the outfield and cracked jokes about what a sock-arm our third baseman, chip henson had. we were terrible our first year on the field. as a collective, most of us had played ball, some at decently high levels, but we had never played church league softball. needless to say, we went through some growing pains. we did, however, get better. and to this day, we play well enough to justify playing again every time a new march rolls around.

one of the things that sticks out to me about that first season was what a wild card and wild man mike gibbs was. his friend, nate beverly, carried some baggage along with him too, but he went about his business in a more quiet manner. with very little ado, nate was our best player. a cannon of an arm, a great church league bat. natural athlete. he manned centerfield for us for our first three years. mike was our second best player and our shortstop, but his attitude on and off the field was different and familiar all at the same time.

playing with mike could be frustrating at times because he never could, er, never would take his foot off the gas. he was always looking to take second, even on a simple single. he would take a few steps off of any bag, teasing the opponents into hopefully making a mistake that would allow him to advance further along the basepaths. he would occasionally lazy-ass a swing and "bunt" a ball down the third baseline just so he could get on base and do his little song and dance. every time he fielded a ball at short, he tried to throw it through the first baseman (still does, evidently). when he did swing, he swung for the fence. every time. sometimes, it would work. sometimes, it wouldn't. i was telling a buddy earlier today that mike was a case study in the kind of guy that you love to have on your team but would absolutely loathe if you were playing against. you got the feeling that mike knew this. that he owned it. that he loved playing that role.

it wasn't for a couple years that i learned more of what made mike tick. and it was at that time that i realized what felt so familiar about this guy that i had known for a very short amount of time. once i was privy to some of the personal demons that had, indirectly, led mike into the humc gym, i was able to place it. mike gibbs played basketball and softball like my brother, brian, lived his life. balls to the wall. no turning back. no respect for his body. no real respect for his opponent, whether, by opponent, that meant the other team or authority. no regard for consequences. everything was in front of him. context was loss. live in the moment. live in the now. light a match. watch the city burn behind you kind of mentality. it was that moment or those moments that led to my "mike as brian" realization that i knew we'd be connected somehow for a long time.

i can't begin to analyze the depths of who it was that mike gibbs was when i met him. i can't begin to analyze the depths of who he was over the course of our early relationship, because, frankly, i don't know. we didn't hang out off the field or outside of the gym. we'd catch up while we were together. he'd let me know a little bit about himself here. i'd do the same for him with me there. we weren't the best of friends. i can't claim that. but, there was some sort of connection. one that the both of us have maintained for a long, long time now.

at some point a few years back, after reconciling himself with whatever personal hell he had been through and put himself through, something clicked. what the catalyst was i don't really know. was it his sweet wife? the birth of his first child? something else? probably the combination of a lot of different things. at some point a few years back, though, mike made a surprising decision. he was going back to school. he decided to take control of his life for himself and for his family in a way that he wasn't ready to do when we first met ten long years ago. mike went to school. graduated. has continued school. and in august will receive another degree. over this past weekend, mike was offered a job in tampa with one of the "big four" accounting firms in this country. in ten years, his life turned somehow. for the better. not that his life was bad. not that he was in serious need of being reclaimed. looking back, though, i bet he would tell you, himself, that his life wasn't on the path that he, ultimately, wanted it. now, it seems to be.

of all the freaking places, i found mike gibbs in a tangible way again on facebook. we had e-mailed back and forth a few times over the last few years. played with each other in march madness fantasy pools. but it wasn't until i found him and his wife on facebook that we would eventually find a way to reconnect in the same arena that we found each other a decade ago. last night, for the first time in years, i played softball with mike gibbs again. it felt like old times. it felt familiar. but there was something new and improved about this mike gibbs. it had nothing to do with how he was playing softball. he still seemed as active as ever. he was still the only one of us to hit one out during batting practice. there was a new look in his eyes. one that felt calm. cool. collected. a look i had never seen before in mike. a look that had probably been there a while, but i haven't seen mike in a while.

driving home last night, ten years worth of memories rushed through my mind all at the same time. from those first practices at huffman to winning seasons to winning leagues to going winless in basketball two seasons ago to jumping back to respectability this year. it wasn't the wins or losses or scores that i thought of. it was the stories. the cast that has changed, evolved and written the story that i've been lucky to be a part of for almost a third of my life. it's really quite unbelievable.

the redemption of mike gibbs is as powerful as any character that i obsess about on LOST. we all have differing degrees of ingredients that hold us captive in our lives. history, experiences and pain that make us feel like we are very minor pieces in someone else's game. and at either some point or maybe many points we are faced with a decision. stay captive, stay a pawn or look unflinchingly into our pain and into our past and take control of our lives again. last night, i saw in his eyes the fulfilfment of one person that i hold dear to my heart looking into his past, owning it and taking it with him in a different and more positive direction. the mike gibbs of ten years ago was not ever going to be a big shot accountant at a big four firm. the mike gibbs of last night will attack that job in the fall with the same ferocity i've always known him to attack a softball, only this time his focus will be true. his eyes will be looking forward and not over his shoulders.

i told mike a few months ago that, in spite of his grace, i had nothing to do with his redemption. i told him it was all him. that it was always in him. and it makes me so happy to see him happy with where his life is leading him and his family.

just to be around someone like mike gibbs, though. just to be around something like his story is why i will play softball 'til the queen mother earth sees fit to take my other kidney...

it's why i will never throw caroline through a plate glass door after she repeatedly hits me in the face...

it's why i am in "limbo". and it has NOTHING to do with reconciling who in that group, currently, believes this shit or who in that group may now or may ever believe that shit. and to those of you that share that group or that idea with me now that have had that worry..., drop it. or choose to use it as an excuse. either way, it's on you. there is nothing to reconcile. there is nothing to worry about. because no matter at whose face i have to throw a doughnut, limbo will be about the journey and our journey together. it will be about finding hope in a shitty, shitty world that's made up of people not inclined to sin but looking for a way to do good. if it's the bible that compels them, so be it. if it's the force and you can use that shit to move rocks out of the way when we need you to, so be it. if it's the troll talking to you from your closet that we can call on to help us out of a sticky situation, so be it. if, as in my case, it's an invisible creator that i seem to feel a spiritual connection with, so be it. but don't let reconciliation get in the way. because reconciling is what we do. it's the fuel in our tank, not the sugar. it's mike gibbs. it's "mike freaking gibbs".

this is his story, but dammit. it's also mine. and yours.

this isn't a redemption story as much as it is a progress story. a hope story. the story of one man that makes me feel more optimistic about my own.

dammit, i love softball. i love that i was playing softball again with mike gibbs last night. and i love every single man that has worn that green or white jersey with me at some point in time like he was my brother, because they have all helped write this story.

i am undeserving of ever having touched your lives. but i can promise you this. you have made mine a better place.

thank you.

the one where limbo happened


imagine, if you will, a place that seems too good to be true.

utopian in every sense of the word, all gathered may feel at home.

none without questions, none with all the answers.

many seeking something, some thing.

all thinkers, because thinking is ok.

all questioners, because questions are required.

all honest, none beyond reproach.

none beyond approach.

most looking to learn something. about some thing.

readers.

tv-ers.

internet-obsessed-ers.

all looking to do something. for some thing.

this is new.

but it is old.

there is nothing new under the sun.

or, is there?

probably not that you can find in huffman.

or, maybe there is.

what have we done wrong?

what can we do to change it?

"what about me?"

"what about you?"

it's not about the numbers.

it's about the process.

it's about the feeling.

it's spiritual, man.

dude, it's like, dude...

imagine, if you will, a place that seems too good to be true.

utopian in every sense of the word. all gathered may feel at home.

one sunday down.

how many to go?

is this open-ended?

is this like-minded?

is it for everyone? for every one?

listen for the answer.

then listen harder for "the why".

"the why" is all that matters.

why should you?

why should i?

to whom is this addressed?

collect it now.

address it later.

"if you build it, they will come."

is that the point?

imagine, if you will, a place that seems to good to be true.

redemption.

worth.

check.

your head.

you're ahead.

for now.

create in me a clean heart.

invite everyone. invite every one.

why?

we'll figure it out.

will it be worth it?

will you?

that's a lot of gas.

that's a lot of time.

that's a lot to swallow.

blink.

blink.

find your "thin place".

what if this is it?

"hate is baggage."

imagine, if you will, a place that seems too good to be true.

...

...

now, make it happen.

february 28, 2010


limbo was born today.

i should have seen this coming
("it worked")


of all LOST's storytelling devices (the traditional flashback, the mind-bending "future-back" or flashforward and now the brilliant flash-"sideways"), i think the current, flashsideways is the most intriguing. quite frankly, the more thought i've given it, the more i feel i should have known this was how it was going to end all along.

on a show that has given us as much depth, mythology and as many headaches as LOST, was it ever going to be as simple as the castaways thought? was it really going to be as easy as them being rescued, a boat (or freighter) out of nowhere coming to pick them up and take them back to the lives they all left behind? of course not! and so, with this season, we are being presented two different but very real timelines, two timelines that i imagine will ultimately be reconciled early on in the series finale, the show coming to an end in a two hour magnum opus that sees what is left of our heroes coming to terms, consciously, with their plan having "worked". worked, but maybe in vastly different ways than they would have imagined when daniel farraday initially presented to them his plan of devastative-redemption.

at least, that's my guess...i am sure i am wrong.

make no mistake. i firmly believe we as viewers were given a preview to how it will all end when juliet (or if you are sawyer...JUULLIETTTTT!!!!) told her love through miles from the grave that "it worked". of course it did. farraday was too brilliant for it not to, right? but as the producers hinted in a series premiere exit interview a couple weeks back, and i am paraphrasing, "the plan may or may not have worked. but if it did, the castaways certainly were only thinking of how it would affect them. if you reboot a timeline, surely there will be unintended consequences and after-effects." or, something along those lines.

what makes this storytelling conceit so fascinating is that we've all been there, right? if we have lived enough life, we have hit what, for us, felt like rock bottom. we lost our job. we lost a friend. we lost a parent. we lost a kidney. our life or someone we loved was forced to fight a battle with a disease they didn't ask for. we told a lie that we couldn't take back. we lost touch with our parents. something happened somewhere in the cosmos that turned our life down a path that we didn't want or didn't need, but we didn't have the power to fix it ourselves.

or,... maybe we did and could change it all, but we just needed a little help. a little nudge. the confidence from someone or some...thing that "you can do this". what if, at that rock bottom point in our lives, some version of daniel farraday presented themself to you. he was a genius. you trusted his plan. he knew it would work so, in turn, we wondered if we, too, knew it would work. he warned us that he couldn't predict how it would work. he tells us that there are risks. you would have to give up certain things to find your ultimate reward, your finding yourself away from your darkest hour, but you would get away from this one thing and you would be able to start anew with a second chance...at something.

would you do it? would you take it? would you take your dad back? your kidney? your job? your friend? your dog? your dream? even if it meant you might not remember the path that you had forged for yourself since that black moment? since you were shipwrecked on your own private "island"? i would bet you'd have made the best of your situation since then. i would bet that, in moments, you would have felt like your lowest point had somehow made you a better person. a wiser person. a more educated master of your world. but, if you could go back ("kate!!! we have to go BACK!!!"), would you?

keep moving forward? or not.

two steps forward. or two steps back.

our castaway heroes (or, at least our hero jack) let their daniel farraday convince them that they could do something that would prevent their plane from ever crashing on "this island". jack ran the risk of not remembering his kate. they all ran the risk of forgetting everything that they had become since they found their way to this place, this purgatory, this whatever it ends up being. they were presented with a plan, and they took it. they pushed the reset button.

and "it worked."

my hope is that, by the end of the season and series, jack will find happiness. whether it was the producers want or not, he is the only character i find myself hoping makes it out redeemed and "alive".

why is the flashsideways so incredible to me? because it presents "what might have been" and makes us ask the question, "is this really better than what we left behind?" as the story of LOST works its way to an endpoint, i am sure we will be served with the fact that there are pros and cons to both timelines. just like there are with any choice we make on our own journeys.

we can choose to make a difference or not.

we can change or not.

we can "limbo" or not.

we can be comfortable or not.

each way we go, there will be good days and there will be bad.

which way serves the greater good? which way serves the most people the most satisfaction?

where do we find happiness?

how do we find it?

do we do what we always have done?

are we happy with what we've always got?

do we "limbo" or find comfort in the limbo?

is this all there is?

can we find more?

do i drive out in the snow or do i stay home?

why am i scared?

there aren't any monsters in the closet.

or, are there?

should i look?

or should i wait?

why wait?

...

from the ridiculous to the pissed off


i dropped my new mytouch yesterday for the first time. here is why...

we've had an ongoing debate, issue, etc. concerning the parking lot and pick-up, drop-off situation at the church/children's place (daycare) for seemingly forever. there are many concerns, some of them valid. some of them petty. some of them nonsense.

the major, valid concern is the safety of the children (and their adults) that are coming into and out of the church. during the busiest portions of the morning and evening, the majority of our 125 children and accompanying parents are trafficking through the parking lot at the same time. our parking lot is not set up well for this amount of foot/car traffic. we have a drive-thru portico that the church spent a bunch of money on several years ago that takes up most of the what little extra space we do have and protects lucky folks from the rain on those occasional and annoying dreary days. yesterday, in fact, was one of those days.

so, what to do about all the congestion?

the temptation forever has been for parents to pull up to the curb next to the chapel to take their children in. this serves two purposes for the parents. one, they don't have to cross the parking lot/thru-way and their children are not at risk by said crossing. two, as sarah has mentioned, there is something psychologically appealing to saving the ten-to-twenty step difference between a parking space and the curb when you are running late or short on time.

however...

this presents problems. people get blocked in. the traffic curb-side interrupts with the traffic in the parking spaces to make the already narrow thru-lane even more narrow, thus decreasing the sightlines and making that thru-lane even more dangerous.

if you aren't lucky enough to get a curb side (non) space, you get pissed off at the people who do. if it is raining and that curb (non) space just so happens to also win you a lottery ticket underneath the portico, then people are going to be super-put-out at you, because, inevitably, your kid is going to have crapped his or her pants when you go in to pick them up and your car is going to be underneath the portico for thirty minutes while my ass is getting wet stuffing two obstinate children into the back seat of my soaking wet car.

deep breath.

we've tried to solution-storm. really...we have. we've painted the curb yellow. don't you see the yellow curb??? that means you aren't supposed to park here! obviously, that hasn't worked. we've put up "no parking" signs. you see??? it says "no parking". that means you aren't supposed to park here. obviously, that hasn't worked. we've purchased traffic cones to try and block the way to the yellow-painted curbs protected by the "no parking" signs. obviously, that hasn't worked.

so, what are you going to do about the situation?

there has been a thought that says, "why don't we just rope/block that entire front section of parking lot off, making it "walk only". kind of makes sense in theory, but...

don't you then just push the congestion down to the lower lot making it just as potentially unsafe as your current situation?

um, yeah. probably.

long story, short. there's not a good solution...yet.

personally, i don't give a rip. i never got pissed off at the people that parked by the curb even if it didn't make total sense to me. then again, maybe i am just never in a hurry. the only time that i ever felt or feel annoyed at the "problem" is if i am not lucky enough on a storming-ass day to win the portico lottery, but, even then, i am not pissed at the person that won the lottery. i am just pissed that i didn't win it!

which brings us back to yesterday morning. same situation as i've described above. all of the above factors are in play. it is raining, but, for some reason, the traffic cones have been used as a barrier to prevent ANYONE from winning the portico lottery.

yesterday morning, this pissed me off.

we have this daycare that is borderline amazing at this point. we've just installed a security system that everyone is in love with. we have a waiting list for the first time in years. we have teachers that are happy. children that are happy. parents that, for the most part, are happy. and we spent this money years ago for a portico that, for a few lucky kids and parents on rainy days, could possibly keep them from getting drenched, and we are flipping blocking it off?!?!?!

we pull up to drop off caroline yesterday morning, and i see this and it drives me crazy. what is the message, exactly, that we are trying to send? i have my phone in my hand. i open my door and put the phone on my side, but it doesn't click into place on my belt. i walk, with purpose, over to realign the cones so that the next person that drives up will feel like their day is made because they just won the portico lottery, maybe for the first time ever on the occasional rainy day. i lean over and feel the phone slip out of the holster, but i am not enough of a ninja to do anything about it. it hits the ground. the protective shell bursts open. the naked phone lands, face up, on the surface. i have two small nicks on the back of my brand new phone. sarah reminds me that, with the shell on, i will never see them. she is right, though i am no less pissed off.

it is sequences such as these that we encounter every day. the moon and stars and sun and parking cones all line up so that my phone gets jacked up, or you get stuck in traffic, or you are late getting to work, or someone that is pissed off at their crummy life yells at you because they can't really yell at their boss. sequences such as these land punches to our midsections every day and it's our job to deal with it. catch our breath and swing back at the day.

but, what if something could have happened to change the end result of the sequence? what if we didn't care so much about where people parked at the church that we wasted money on cones? what if i had actually clipped my phone into place? what if it didn't rain? what if every decision we made was proactive and not reactive?

"what if?", indeed.

"we try to make the limbo as tolerable as possible."

yep.

my phone is fine. until another sequence of events presents itself seven months down the road that leads to my phone finding its way into the toilet of the girls' bathroom. we'll see how i choose to handle that then.

every day we make choices that lead to a realization for someone, somewhere that something is amiss with our world. we come to these realizations far more often than we realize that our world is someway, somehow a beautiful place.

"to love someone is to know the song of their heart."

obviously, that didn't work.

keep moving forward.

"limbo" goes into labor tomorrow morning.