first day of school

...i had another breakdown saturday afternoon. hannah and i were finishing up wall-e, wall-e and eve had just reconnected back on earth, and the same rush of emotion that struck while watching "the wedding dance" hit me again.

hannah was laying on top of me. i told her that i needed to get up. sarah looked up at me to see what i was up to. i looked at her, my eyes welled up, and it was over. i walked a couple of steps over to sarah and away from hannah, because i didn't want her to see me getting my blubbering idiot on. trying to contain the sobbing, some of the noises making their way out of me must have sounded like laughter. i remember hearing her ask sarah, "is daddy laughing?" i wasn't and, soon enough, she got the idea. a few minutes into the episode as i was beginning to compose myself, i felt something from behind me. hannah got up off the other couch, walked over to me, and covered me up with the blanket she had been using. i turned to her, tears still filling my eyes and held my arm out so that i could give her a big hug. the gesture, itself, would have been heartbreaking if my heart was not already broken. instead, in that moment, it was exactly what i needed to re-ground myself, compose and move forward with the day, the first order of business making sure i had not just scarred her for life.

...the surgery provided the reason"the out" that i needed to explain the emotional vomit away. we told her that my stomach was hurting and that seemed to ease her greater concerns. we threw in kung-fu panda and settled in for the rest of the afternoon. all in all, it was a weird day, but it turned out to be a really good day.

...this sweet-hearted, now truly big girl started school today. not "school" as we've defined it over the last four years. not daycare. not pre-k. elementary school, beginning with five year-old kindergarten. mrs. wells is her teacher. mrs. wells seems very nice and more than capable. mrs. wells seems to already be taken with hannah. no big surprise, right? look at that picture! she's just beautiful. but she's more than that. she's very smart. thoughtful. most of the time, reasonable. caring. she's a mobile "thin place" (that's for you, kathy). she's growing into being a wonderful big sister. and without hesitation or prompting saturday afternoon, she did what she could to take care of her daddy.

...i don't remember any of my first days of school. not one. definitely not kindergarten. i'll remember this one, though. i'll remember it and cherish it and attempt to dwell on it when the darker stuff tries to sneak in.

...hannah, i am so proud of you and how you handled this day. thank you for caring for me in ways you don't fully understand yet.

...i love you.

...(please forgive the spacing issues. grr, blogger!!)