goddammit!!!


and with that expletive followed by my fist pounding the counter after the braves blew game one of their huge weekend series with the phillies, i may have just turned a corner.

i'll start back to work in a couple of days. monday, the 17th, would and will mark my return to what was and has been my normal routine for over three years now. but up until the braves reminded me why i hate them last night, i had been fairly nervous at the thought of getting back into the store. reason being, i haven't felt "right" yet, and i wasn't sure i ever would. since sarah went back to work last week, i've been trying every day to get up and about, trying to recondition my body into some semblance of shape knowing that it wouldn't be long before i had to actually earn a living again. and each day, i have been fighting a terrible feeling of dizziness mixed with headaches mixed with feeling "off" in such a way that it was really starting to freak me out. every night i would have an easy enough time falling asleep, but every night i would wake up sometime in between 2:00 and 3:00 in a panic. still waiting for the other shoe to drop, i would convince myself of all things terrible that could still be lurking in my body. i would scare myself with thoughts of how much or how little time i had left with my family. i went to the doctor this past wed. afternoon and told him my fears. he reassured me that, outside of the whole losing a kidney thing, my long-term prognosis was really good. he told me what i was feeling was normal. so did sarah. and sarah's dad. and kiker. and anyone else that bothered to hear me whine. but, what did they all know, right? they all had two kidneys. they weren't feeling what i felt. they couldn't possibly know what i was feeling, and they couldn't possibly tell me anything that would make my fears go away.

thursday night, sarah finally got fed up and dosed me with benadryl, hoping to drug me into a good night's rest. and it worked. and then yesterday, i wasn't quite as dizzy. i had a good daddy-day home with caroline (with a little help from amy and katie since i am, technically, not supposed to be lifting caroline yet). a good dinner with the family. and around 9:00, what do you know? i was cussing at the television again. for the first time in two months, i actually gave a damn about something other than myself. something trivial. something fun.

sure, i hate the braves. but, i love hating the braves. hating the braves is what i do. or used to do. until,...you know.

and so, maybe i turned a corner last night. or maybe i am setting myself up for a magnificent fall back to reality when the dizziness comes back in the morning.

either way, these last two days have been nice.

braves are tied 2-2 right now. they are going to lose. it's a matter of when, not if.

i hate the braves.