#1


i threw myself into work and resets and whatnot at the store today. i wanted to keep busy, not thinking about tomorrow. for the most part, it worked. i was barely in the office, which is a total rarity these days, and, regardless of how bad i felt or how tore up my stomach still is, i just kept on keeping on. the day flew by, and i was even late picking up the girls from the y and getting us all back to church for dinner.

then the rest of the evening began. the last four hours have felt like fifty. there was a big part of me that didn't want to show up in the gym this evening. i didn't want to have uncomfortable conversations with anyone that was trying to go out of their way to be nice, as terrible as that sounds. i didn't want to have uncomfortable conversations with people that were completely oblivious to what i am doing in the morning. i didn't really want to talk to anyone, save a handful of folks, but i went anyway, because going to dinner on wednesday night is what we do.

showing up late played to my advantage. most everyone there was already knee deep into their dinner and table talk. i walked in as harris was about to pray, and, to my delight, the first thing he and andy and i talked about was baseball. i could talk about baseball for hours! let's just stand right here and talk about nothing other than baseball!!!

i sat down with andy and the girls as the girls rubbed it in my face they could taste their milo's. my plain grilled chicken sandwich tasked like a watered down pair of shoes, but i needed something in my belly before i have to fast for the scan. i fed june two or three kernels of corn, one black-eyed pea, and the rest of the evening has just been a blur, a wall of noise and worry and anxiety and "OH MY GOD WHY IS THE ROOM SPINNING?!".

caroline talked non-stop about many things on the way home. i was listening to the end of the heat/bulls game. if i could've reached her tiny neck without running off interstate 59, i would have considered choking her out. instead, i just affirmed her every now and again with a "yep.", "sure", or a "yeah?" and we finally made it home.

and now, i'm here, on the couch, banging out this short post. everyone around me "feels good" about tomorrow.

i wish i felt the same.

#1

toxicities present:

none of it matters anymore. all that matters is the scan.

pain (scaled 1-10):

whatever.