#3


frequently asked questions:

"how are you feeling?" - numero uno. the most often asked, the most annoying, the most disturbing, and, more often than not, really, what is anybody supposed to ask someone on chemo anyway? there's no good way to answer it, because i don't really feel like most people want to know. unless my answer is "great. i'm feeling really, really great.", it's going to wear a brother down in, like, five seconds if i answer truthfully on most days. it's annoying only when i sense the question is insincere or ignorant. like i've gone on about here in the past, i've worked really hard with my diet and the workouts that i can still do to stay healthy and not fat and not weak and all of that. so, on the outside, other than my white facial hair and/or limping, you wouldn't know i'm on the medicine. that is, unless you've ever paid attention to the blog in the past year or ever talked to me in person or ever given thought to how difficult it is to talk about cancer or my situation or if you've given thought to how terrified i am of dying every single day. i'm being mean. and judgmental. i know some people ask the question of how i feel because they really want to know and really want me to feel better than the last time they asked. it's disturbing because it makes me think about how bad i feel and saying it out loud makes the cancer seem real and talking about is disturbing. but again, there are probably no good questions to ask me anyway, so i should just stop banging on this one.

 "how many more cycles/pills do you have?" - this one always makes me so mad. my first thought is, "christ, jackass, i put a picture up on facebook every month!" or "you've asked me this eighteen times!" but then i breathe for a second and remind myself that i am the only one going through this. no one owes me anything, much less to remember how many pills i have yet to take, and, again, people are likely just trying to be nice and act invested in me, even for just a second.

"how are the feet?" - again, first reactions first. first reaction is typically, "mother.fuck. i am using crutches and limping like i've broken something. but i haven't broken anything! they fucking hurt so bad they have redefined my definition of "hurt"." back off for a second. breathe. people just don't want my feet to hurt.

"how many pills do you have left?" - you just asked me that, bro. like, yesterday.

"when's your next scan?" - cue panic attack.

#3

toxicities present:

waterbabies. chewed up hamburger meat. while trying to relieve some of the gas pain i was experiencing after lunch today, some waterbabies slipped right out. i tightened the hatch up, surveyed the situation and enacted plan "no one can know about this". i ninja-d my way back to the bathroom without anyone suspecting anything. hand-washed and dried my pants as best i could with the materials i am afforded in the psp restroom. i came out and went about the rest of my day, no biggie. i've become such an expert at pooping my pants at this point, it's ridiculous. and sad.

chemo brain. most of the day, i couldn't remember my old best friend's middle name. this bothered me so badly that i almost cried. this may have nothing or everything to do with the chemo, but, since i have these types of moments more and more often recently, i'm gonna say they correlate. either that, or now i have a brain tumor.

reflux. chest tightness. nausea.

feet started to get sensitive again today. what my feet don't know is that i am almost done with chemo and they don't have time to get really bad again. so, fuck you, feet. i win this round.

pain (scaled 1-10):


7