#15


caroline will never fully appreciate how uncomfortable i was during the field trip to the zoo today. after leveling out a little yesterday, my feet ramped up again last night and it was quite difficult to get into and endure standing in the shower this morning. with as much care and concern as i could, i cleaned off, dried off, put some clothes on, carefully placed two pairs of socks on each foot, strapped on my soft-bottomed new balance and stood up, ready to attack the day. having the cushion underneath me gave me reason to think i could make it through the whole trip, and i left the house.

all it took was the trip from the back door to the car to realize i was in for a long day. i got to the zoo, grabbed my cane that a co-worker had brought me a couple months ago, and made the decision, right then and there, that caroline would never know i was in pain.

i couldn't fully hide the limp and with all the ups and downs at the zoo, there wasn't any way for me to pretend when i stepped on a hot spot and reacted negatively, but caroline never asked me if i was okay, so i figured i was doing a good job of faking it for her.

we sat down for lunch, which was nice, but the break only made my feet more angry when it was time to head back in to the park. we stood in line for the train, took in the monkey house, traveled over to the reptiles, and, finally, our day was done. we sat down outside the park for a little bit and enjoyed some snacks and water together. i reveled being able to hear her interact and converse with her classmates as they retold each other about their favorite parts of the day. you don't see caroline open up like that much, and i felt fortunate to have seen it.

after the last class picture, i gave her a big hug, told her i loved her, and watched her get on the bus.

i limped over to the car, sat down, closed the door, and cried softly for about five minutes, finally allowing the pain and emotion of the day to exit my body.

caroline will never know (until she reads this) how hard today was. and i am proud of that.

fuck you, cancer. and fuck you, chemo.

#15

toxicities present:

the worst hand/foot day of the cycle so far. being up on them all day will likely mean tomorrow will be worse. it was worth it.

ulcer in my mouth opened up overnight. cottonmouth all the time. no taste. open ulcer. fuck.

fatigue was present today. i just had to ignore it. had more important things to do.

stomach cooperated at the zoo. it woke me up at 4:15 this morning, so i dosed myself on imodium before i left the house. that was a good move.

muscle stiffness in my shoulders and neck are bad today. real bad. pain radiating and causing a nagging headache to add to the list.

nausea and reflux, both are back today.

as you can probably tell by now, outside of the worst feet days, it's not any one thing that causes the most problems. it's everything happening all at once. death by a thousand cuts, if you will. with two weeks left to go, we still have several things that will flare up.

pain (scaled 1-10):

8