the world according to muffley
(what it must be like to be an expert on everything)


i knew something was familiar about him the day that i "met" him. where did i know his face from? that voice. it's different from something familiar that i remember, but still kind of the same. oh well, maybe it's nothing. maybe our paths just crossed. maybe i just ran into him somewhere and he made an impression. well, all it took was the subject of soccer coming up and him asking me if i had a tattoo on my shoulder and it clicked. this wasn't a stranger. this was brian muffley. the same brian muffley i coached as a twelve year old playing soccer. he was my goalie. he looked the same then as he does now. seven years later. still kinda pudgy. still eats too many snacks. still probably stinks at soccer, but this was him. nothing had changed...well, one thing changed. he had learned everything there was to be learned...

...in seven years...

...as a 19 year old...

...and the knowledge suited him poorly.

all of us have had "conversations with muffley". or experiences with someone like him. "mr. i know everything". "mr. if it means i can butt in on your conversation i promise i have been there or done that". and it annoys the crap out of me. dude, you're 19 and lived in huffman, roebuck, birmingham, alabama all your life. you don't know shit. hell, i am 29 and i don't know shit. i know more than you, but i still don't know shit. there is something at the core of this type of person that i don't understand. what is it that drives them to feel like they have to claim to know a little something (or a lot) about any subject that comes up? i mean, if you are overweight, please don't talk to me about diet tips or tell me that you work out and exercise "all the time". if you have never played sports above pee-wee level, it's ok if you don't know the in's and out's of the triangle offense. if you have a computer, that doesn't mean you know the difference between the processor and the power cord. if you have driven a car, you don't necessarily know how to change the oil or tires or brakes. if you had a sibling go to auburn, you don't have to be an auburn football fan. it's cool if you and your friends tailgate for a new episode of according to jim. it's your choice, dude. or dudette. what is it that drives a person to make themselves out to be something they are not?

i guess the easy and most obvious answer would be to be accepted. loved. thought of as cool. or bad-ass. whatever. there's got to be more to it. and i wish it would stop.

i don't know if anyone anywhere would consider me an expert at anything. and you know what? that's freakin' cool. the most open and honest response a person can ever give, in my eyes, is "i don't know." i love "i don't know". not because i don't want to know. but because most of the time that those three words come out of my mouth it is the truth.

the truth. what a novel concept. "who's the starting left tackle for hawaii tomorrow?" i have no idea. "what kind of dog shampoo is best for rat terriers?" um, the green one? "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood." i don't know.

it's ok to say it. it's ok to be honest with me. it's ok to be honest with yourself. i like you better that way. most other people do too i would wager. it's makes you vulnerable like me and everyone else.

i would follow you if you greeted me with an "i don't know, but we can figure it out together." i can't follow an expert, though. i just don't relate.