happy thanksgiving, everyone
(family is something i am not an expert on)


i just got off the phone with my mom. i have been avoiding her for a month now. why? i have no idea. well, i have an idea, i just don't have a good reason i don't suppose. why not? because when it comes down to it, my mom probably cares for me (i mean, genuinely cares) more than anyone in this world. maybe just as much as sarah and hannah. maybe a couple of others. who knows. but she is right up there in the "i care for kevin" department. you would think that i would want to hold a person like that close. make sure that we talk often. make sure she knows that, on some level, i still care for her as much as she does for me. for the last few years, though, i haven't. my mom has problems. don't we all? for years now she has been locked into a state of mind that i will never be able to understand. depression. it's a tough pill to swallow. for the person that's depressed. maybe just as much for the folks around that person that don't get it. because of this state of mind, my method for resolving my mental fatigue in having to deal with her situation has been to withdraw from her. almost completely. we speak every so often. and when we do, it's fine. better than that. it's nice. but most of the time, all i can think about is her bad choice in men, her struggle to maintain her sanity, and most of all her transformation away from the incredibly strong single-mom that she is and was in my best memories of her. i will not see her or talk to her tomorrow. on thanksgiving.

then there's my dad. his new family is another one that i don't get for the most part. i think my dad cares for me in the same way my mother does. he just doesn't know how to show it anymore. i have a stepbrother that i care deeply about, but as we grow older, it's becoming obvious that we share less and less in common. i think my step-mother likes me most of the time, but to say that we are close would be a drastic overstatement. the rest of that family is indifferent in a very nice way to how i relate to them, and that will, most likely, be the case for as long as we are "family". i will not see or talk to any of these people tomorrow. on thanksgiving.

and then there's brian. my dear brother. who's in florida rehabbing. from drugs. from an unfortunate lot in life. from all sorts of things. from what i hear and heard personally several months ago, he's continually doing "better". we always wanted him to get better. fact was, he was always fine. he just did drugs because they loved him more than he felt like his family did and does. i'll continue to take the "no news is good news" approach with brian. for all we went through and shared together, good and bad, it's a shame i won't talk to him tomorrow. on thanksgiving.

sarah's family. i will see them and talk to them tomorrow. and i'll be totally happy. with them, there isn't anything bad to speak of. they seem to like me and i'll continue to try and not give them good reason not to. i can't wait for tomorrow. my wife. my girl. my family-in-law that treats me like one of their own without my asking. it's really quite cathartic. it's really, really nice.

thanksgiving. the calendar has a very mischievous way of slapping "normal" in your face several times a year. "normal" would be nice. but then again, "normal" would have led me away from the family that i will share turkey and dressing with tomorrow. so, fuck "normal".

this isn't self-pity. it's only the truth. and the truth hurts sometimes. but the truth also helps to define who i am at this very moment. and in this moment, i could not be more content.

happy thanksgiving.