if you ask me, i don't know anything

props to free darko for pointing me in the direction of this killer photo.

it's almost been two weeks since the latest robbery at the store. two weeks to digest that i very well could have died in the backroom of a pet supply store if i didn't play my cards right. two weeks to second-guess my decision to leave three of my employees trapped in the office with the second gunman while i escaped to get help. almost two weeks to go over and over and over every minute detail of the event. two weeks of watching the video every single morning when i get to the store like it's a bad car wreck that i can't avoid and can't help but remind myself of. two weeks of listening to the people that i care about, with one exception, wonder aloud to me why in the world i was and am still working for psp. it's been two weeks. so, what has changed? has anything gotten better?

at the store, i guess things have gotten "better". maybe a little safer. my boss has been in the parking lot at night every night since jan. 6th to cast a set of eyes down the dark alley that the criminals have traveled down to see us all four times. the good police of the birmingham east precinct, at least a few of them, seemed to have taken the robberies almost as personal as we have and have been a stronger presence around the store. they've been more than happy to come and see us out at night. we've installed panic buttons in the store which, according to kiker, will, at the very least, alert the police to find the dead bodies in the store in a more timely fashion if the robbers come back and something goes wrong. ah, that's my kiker. always the optimist. we've been more aware of cars loitering in the parking lot. we've continued to mix up our routines. we've gotten pretty good at profiling every young black person (ugh.) that comes in the store with a hooded sweatshirt on. we've talked to crime prevention officers. we're going to get more cameras installed outside. we've come a little closer as a staff. yeah, i guess things have gotten a little "better"...

..but i don't know if anything has changed. not for me. not yet. i am scared when i get close to the store. i am scared of being watched. i am scared of "what could happen". i am scared of "it" happening again. my heart starts to race every time i think of being placed in a similar position to the one i was in on the evening of jan. 6th. after sundown, i find myself wanting to be in the office. i feel a little more safe there. not that being in the office would make any sort of difference if someone came in again. i find myself worrying that jason (my assistant manager that left the company on jan. 7th.) made the smartest decision of us all when he decided to get out while the getting was good. all of which brings us to the obvious question that keeps getting asked...

"and you are still at the store why?"

to me, the answer is a very simple one. why not? what? you don't think i've taken my family into account? you don't think i haven't thought (at some point in almost every minute of every day) about what they would have to go through if my being stubborn left them without a husband and a father? you don't think i know that i could find another "job" that would pay me just as much and allow me the same peace of mind i had at the store before oct. 27? i've thought and i know all of these things, but really, is that who you want me to be? someone that allows some random guys with guns to run me away from something that i think is important? something that could be and can be looked at as way more than "just a pet store"? this is my home, folks! this is my community! this is where i choose to be. you are right. it's not as white as it used to be. who gives a fuck? social and economic circumstances have led some people in the community to turn to desperate measures to make it through their day. therefore, as a result of some of those measures, my home is perceived to be "going downhill". maybe this perception is more reality than i would like to give it credit for being. or maybe the people that keep barking about how "bad" of a place huffman is becoming are the ones that have already left or are in the process of leaving. truly i ask you, how many of your neighbors are criminals? do you know for sure? do you even know your neighbors? maybe that's part of the problem. maybe that's part of the solution.

huffman is not "the ghetto", but what does that even fucking mean? huffman is not a war zone and it will not be until the things that have happened at my store become the rule and not the exception. i do not see that happening. not yet anyway. i don't have enough time to go to city council meetings and candlelight vigils, but i do have time to work. and i do have time to write. and i do have time to pray. and i pray that some of you that are bothered by what is going on around us might not just come to church in huffman and then go shop in trussville but that you might start putting your money and your time where your mouth is.

problems, in theory, do not fix themselves. i understand the want and need to feel safe. i want that too, more than anything. at least, i want it back. but peace of mind is something that i am willing to sacrifice for a period of time if my staying put can be used as even the smallest of testimonies to argue against huffman being "not what it used to be".

i no longer believe (not that i ever really did) that my finding myself running a business in the middle of huffman was an accident or "lucky break". i believe that, for whatever reason, there is a purpose for my being there and maybe the events of the last three months have something to do with it. of course, then again, maybe they don't. but this is what i believe. so i ask you, kindly, do not ask me to leave my store. i wouldn't have it. i will not have it. it's my store. it's my home.

is it yours?