hannah and me (part two)

it's been a month since part one. a lot of things have happened. a lot of things haven't. i've pissed people off. people have pissed me off. worked some. been off some. wrote some...

...not enough.

i've been thinking a lot lately about things that people say when they are expecting a baby. or about to have a baby. or when they remember having a baby for the first time. they say that their life is going to change. they say that they aren't responsible enough to take care of a completely dependant little human. they ask how they are going to rearrange their life around the baby. they say other things to try and grasp the magnitude of procreation. sarah and i said all of those things too. puts a lot of pressure on that little burden, er, baby. i have come to realize that all of those things that i said and that others say are retarded...

...and selfish.

i am so lucky and blessed for hannah. the only thing in my life that has changed because of her is that my heart got bigger. i get to love more. i understand how god loves me more. it's ridiculous how i worried about my selfish life before her. i still get to play softball. and basketball. i still get to watch what i want. (now, a lot of that is because of sarah and i am lucky for her too.) but those things don't really mean much as compared to taking the baby girl to dreamland and watching her eat chips and banana pudding. watching her fall asleep in the back seat on the way home. laying her head on my chest, still half asleep, on the way up the stairs. taking her shoes and socks off and laying her down in her bed. hearing her say, "thank you, daddy". knowing that i am going to get a big hug and a wet kiss when she wakes up from her nap. knowing that i'll get to fight her for the remote during monday night football tonight. knowing that i'll get to love her more and more every day for the rest of my life.

i am a selfish human being, admittedly. and will forever be. i knew before hannah that god would never give me something i couldn't handle, including her. i know now that the things i will get riled up and write about here are all small in comparison to her and that god will get me through those things too.

i am retarded. people are retarded. no offense to the mentally retarded. it's just a figure of speech.

but i gain perspective every day.

in spite of myself, i grow more wise and more dangerous.

i am no genius, but at least i pay attention.

i am ready for my wet kiss.