what's the perfect christmas gift for someone with no driver's license?
(a gas card, of course)
there are really too many things on my mind to decide what i'd like to write about this afternoon. i am still processing seeing my brother again (although the exit polls are predicting good things for the relationship moving forward.). i've thought about a "year in review", but i guess most of that is somewhat chronicled in the previous 86 posts. i am still thinking about my annual music year review, but i am not quite ready to put that one up just yet. there are all sorts of year-end lists up and about, though, so if you are looking for some guidance on how to spend your best buy giftcards, good recommendations are everywhere. i'll let you see mine in the next week or so. the most intriguing and heavy thought i have currently has to do with a blog that is no longer in existence and that the reason, partially, has to do with me. you may or may not have taken the time to peruse chris perry's blog that's linked off my page. he wasn't the best at updating it (wink, wink) anyway, but it was removed from the blog-iverse christmas day due to some "concerned" members of his congregation. why were they concerned you might ask? because, among a couple other things, he had linked his blog to mine. mine, as you, dear reader, are well aware contains "inappropriate language" and his concerned members didn't think it was right for him to publicly condone or advertise such blatant disregard for the baby jesus as when a fellow christian says, "shit." in short, chris removed his blog out of respect to his "concerned" and whether he should have or not (as well as if i should cuss or not) is worth a great post and a great debate. i am not quite ready for that one yet either, but i will be soon. if you have any thoughts on the short version, i'd love to hear them....having said all that, i've decided to use today to look back on what were my resolutions for the year 2007 and see how i fared. i am a little nervous. i can't even remember half of what i said. here's hoping it wasn't because i had already failed with half of them. let's see.
1) don't get fat. this is my number one every year, and up 'til now, i've been blessed in that i really don't have to try. i've got a pretty good metabolism working for me. i work out three times a week. i play a sport (softball, basketball, and now flag football) year-round. i never eat more than twice a day. twice a year it seems i catch some sort of vomit-inducing stomach virus where i lose ten pounds in eight hours. those are the positives. the negatives? my diet sucks. way too much fast food. way too much of something called trans-fat. don't even know what the hell that is. don't want to know. i just know it's bad. sooner than later, the diet thing is going to catch up with me. i can't make fat jokes if i, too, am fat. most of my "make sarah's eyes roll material" will be lost if i can't make fat jokes. so, again, number one is don't get fat.
done. i didn't get fat, which is great. i had to give up my bench, but i've developed my own little "rocky training montage" workout that is working out, pun intended, ok. i don't feel quite as "pumped up", but i feel like i am doing fine. don't get fat? not this year, dammit.
2) don't die. let's not even wonder how this might affect the people around me. let's just focus on me. i've written about my deathdreams. best line i heard all year was from brand new. "i'm not scared of death. i'm a little bit scared of what comes after." i concur. i kind of "die" every night when i fall asleep. then i wake up, though. my mind is not at peace yet with the not waking up part. should be, but isn't. just being honest. so, right behind don't get fat is don't die.
that you are reading this is full-blown proof that i was successful with this resolution too.
3) be a better husband and father. i did ok with both of these last year. could be better. want to be better. don't let this being third on the list fool you. it's a really close third. you don't understand how much i don't want to be fat and die.
through the first eight months of the year, i feel like i did pretty good with this one. upon caroline's arrival, i backslid a little. that's not to say that i became a crappy husband and father. it's just to say that i could have been a lot more supportive in a lot of ways. the toughest part of the new baby was the simple fact that she was a baby, fully needy and hungry and crying and not able to tell me that i was doing an ok job of comforting her. i wasn't ready to go from my 4-going-on-fourteen year-old hannah to having a baby in the house again. i am getting better, though.
4) make you smile. whoever you are, if you are around me, i want to be a bright spot on your day and not a dark one.
this is probably going to be two straight misses with this one. if i can't claim to be a constant beacon of light in my own house, i have a feeling i wasn't always joe zippity-doo-dah outside of it either.
5) decide on what i am going to do to with the whole church thing. am i going to commit or not? this definitely goes back to the heart vs. brain battle from the last post.
well, i decided. and we went back. joined the "seeds" class. helped usher in a change in attitude and name (to the "weeds" class). here's hoping that whatever is ushered in next year continues to trend positive.
6) try and write more. writing makes me happy. i slacked off a little towards the end of the year. i should try harder.
let's look at the stats. 81 posts in 2006. this will make 87 for 2007 with a likely 88 on monday. technically, i win this one even if i still didn't have a chance to post as often as i felt like i had something to get off my chest.
7) buy good music. at least 25 purchases for the year. do not be "that guy" that resigns himself to the records he has in his collection already. keep buying new music. (soon to be bought: from 2006 - the format and the decemberists...2007 - the shins and fall out boy)
back to the stats. i am sitting at 19 purchases for the year, with maybe one more to go if i can get out to target or best buy by monday. i haven't stopped buying music, but my pace seems to be setting itself more realistic at between 15-20 for a year.
8) go back to an alabama football game. home schedule this year is too good not to.
did not make it to tuscaloosa, but did make it to one of bama's six wins in nashville. this counts, right?
9) keep bad-mouthing alabama basketball. you lose to arkansas by 27 points, you deserve it.
what speaks worse about the state of alabama basketball in my mind? that i bad-mouth the team, or that the team is worth so little attention that i haven't mentioned them all season. this basketball team is my laodicea, and i spit them from my mouth until further notice.
10) fool myself into thinking the braves will be back in post-season this year in order to enjoy baseball.
i did. until a woeful, hovering under .500 post all-star break broke my spirit around the first of september.
11) go back to a falcons game. bobby petrino...meet michael vick. love him. use him. he is the most wonderful toy you will ever be able to play with.
didn't go to a game and this comment is the funniest one, looking back, i made all year. i don't know if petrino ever met vick. he certainly never loved him. couldn't use him. and now they are both gone from the franchise that i had super-high hopes for at the beginning of this year. such a shame.
12) take a vacation.
check. documented it on the blog. a fun trip.
13) see lebron. and steve nash.
tv doesn't count. so, i missed on both of these.
final count? 7 for 13. not too bad. could have been a little better, though. somewhere around mid-january, i'll re-inventory and place some bets on what's to come in 2008 for me and mine. until then, that'll be all.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
the kiker claus, part two
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part six))
"In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all right to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity, until such time as the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design." - the santa clause
from last christmas.
that post from last december pretty much sums it up. not a lot has changed about his motives. not much has changed about his costume. his good-heartedness. his want to bring happiness to children he doesn't know. not much has changed about how good of a guy the man behind the suit really is. not much has changed, but everything has changed.
if you were to create a scale to determine how shitty a person's year could be/has been, with 'one' ranking as "i have no complaints. heaven, truly, is a place on earth." and 'ten' being "wow, so this is what emotional sodomy feels like.", the kiker claus would probably rank his year around the area of a spinal tap-ish 'eleven'. as his friend and without going into any details, i can only tell you it's been rough. a year unlike any other for kiker. a year unlike any other for one of kiker's friends. at times, i have felt like i've been supportive. there are times that i've felt somewhat disconnected. i've wanted to share with kiker that he isn't alone, no matter how often he feels that way. i am sure i've failed him in that regard. i've wanted to reassure him that there is, in fact, a light at the end of the tunnel even if i can't guide him to it. i've wanted to punish those that have made this magnificent human being, a human being with human flaws just like the rest of us, a shadow of his former self at times during this trying year. but it's not my place to do that.
sarah made a good point last night. she said to me that it must be pretty cool to be hannah. most four year-olds might freak out if, on some random december evening not christmas eve, santa claus just shows up at their door. don't get me wrong. she loves it. as kiker claus rang the doorbell last night and hannah ran to the door to see him, she yelled "it's santa claus!!!" but it wasn't the "holy shit. it's santa! let me run and hide!" kind of exclamation. it wasn't expected, but it was something she remembered happening from last year, santa just showing up at her house. we worry about spoiling hannah in a lot of ways. letting her do what she wants all the time. letting her eat candy for breakfast. letting her obsess over being hannah montana. we worry about certain things, but we won't worry that she is already spoiled by the idea that santa coming to see her is becoming part of her christmas routine. we will just feel lucky for her.
with everything that the kiker claus has been through this year, i would not have been surprised if the man behind the suit did not find his alter ego this season. but he did. but he has. while i videotaped hannah enjoying her time with the kiker claus, while caroline was dead asleep on the couch with no idea of the something special that was happening around her, i thought of my friend and his clusterfuck-tastic year. and i thought of how incredible it was for him to be able to forget about all of that, don a santa suit and make children happy. i thought of how strong he must be.
i thought of how proud i was to call him my friend.
thanks, kiker claus. you're the best.
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part six))
"In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all right to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpetuity, until such time as the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design." - the santa clause
from last christmas.
that post from last december pretty much sums it up. not a lot has changed about his motives. not much has changed about his costume. his good-heartedness. his want to bring happiness to children he doesn't know. not much has changed about how good of a guy the man behind the suit really is. not much has changed, but everything has changed.
if you were to create a scale to determine how shitty a person's year could be/has been, with 'one' ranking as "i have no complaints. heaven, truly, is a place on earth." and 'ten' being "wow, so this is what emotional sodomy feels like.", the kiker claus would probably rank his year around the area of a spinal tap-ish 'eleven'. as his friend and without going into any details, i can only tell you it's been rough. a year unlike any other for kiker. a year unlike any other for one of kiker's friends. at times, i have felt like i've been supportive. there are times that i've felt somewhat disconnected. i've wanted to share with kiker that he isn't alone, no matter how often he feels that way. i am sure i've failed him in that regard. i've wanted to reassure him that there is, in fact, a light at the end of the tunnel even if i can't guide him to it. i've wanted to punish those that have made this magnificent human being, a human being with human flaws just like the rest of us, a shadow of his former self at times during this trying year. but it's not my place to do that.
sarah made a good point last night. she said to me that it must be pretty cool to be hannah. most four year-olds might freak out if, on some random december evening not christmas eve, santa claus just shows up at their door. don't get me wrong. she loves it. as kiker claus rang the doorbell last night and hannah ran to the door to see him, she yelled "it's santa claus!!!" but it wasn't the "holy shit. it's santa! let me run and hide!" kind of exclamation. it wasn't expected, but it was something she remembered happening from last year, santa just showing up at her house. we worry about spoiling hannah in a lot of ways. letting her do what she wants all the time. letting her eat candy for breakfast. letting her obsess over being hannah montana. we worry about certain things, but we won't worry that she is already spoiled by the idea that santa coming to see her is becoming part of her christmas routine. we will just feel lucky for her.
with everything that the kiker claus has been through this year, i would not have been surprised if the man behind the suit did not find his alter ego this season. but he did. but he has. while i videotaped hannah enjoying her time with the kiker claus, while caroline was dead asleep on the couch with no idea of the something special that was happening around her, i thought of my friend and his clusterfuck-tastic year. and i thought of how incredible it was for him to be able to forget about all of that, don a santa suit and make children happy. i thought of how strong he must be.
i thought of how proud i was to call him my friend.
thanks, kiker claus. you're the best.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
one (two) wedding(s) of a weekend
i don't feel old when i go to the wedding of a young adult that came through my group. ok, maybe i do a little. but, it's more of an odd feeling. almost like i am proud of them, which doesn't make a lot of sense. it's not like i have any claim on them to be proud, really. but that's how i feel. whether people like it or not, whether their parents are 100 percent approving or not, whether "the concerned" talk about them behind their back or not, they take the step. they get in front of family and friends and say, "ok. we are doing this." statistics say that out of the six (i think) so far ex-humc-kevin-o'kelley-era youth members that have joined the club, only three of them will "make it." i hope that's not the case. i hope they all do. i hope they have made the right and ultimate choice with the right and ultimate person that will see them and be with them through their golden years. my fingers are crossed for them.
this weekend has been a weird one for me. my first nights spent away from caroline. my first in quite a long time spent without sarah and hannah. i'll be glad to have them back tomorrow. after the first wedding friday night, i went and picked up a pizza and a movie and came home to the cats. i've told several people that i felt like it was ten years ago. working at the bank, dressed up and watching a movie alone. i enjoyed the "me" time, but it's overrated in a lot of ways. i overrate it. when we are together all the time, i am in a constant search for "me" time. i crave it. even if for only an hour to exercise in peace. to blog. to not have a baby screaming in one ear. to not hear hannah montana in the other. but this isn't what i signed up for, is it? i signed up for a family. i signed up for company that i can take for granted. i signed up for people to love and to annoy me all at the same time. without them, i feel pretty lonely. without them, i feel off. and i think that's a good thing. godspeed tomorrow, girls, and be careful. you'll have a christmas tree waiting for you. that'll be fun, right?
next weekend will be weird too. for the first time in years, i'll have my brother back. back in town. back in the fold for christmas. back for the first time for more than a couple of hours. i am sure that the time is going to fly by. anticipated time always does. i am excited to see how brian wears sober. many of my memories from our childhood have faded or been tainted by me being mad or disappointed in him. i need new memories. memories of us as brothers as adults. with adult conversations. brothers reunited, if only for four days. it should be a very good four days. and if those four days turn into more opportunities to see my brother, then they will be the best four days.
this is starting to feel like another diary post with not a lot to hold the thoughts together. i should stop and start another day. so, i will. but good luck to you, justin (and bride). and good luck to you, sarah o. (and groom). i miss you, my girls. and i can't wait to see you, brian.
i don't feel old when i go to the wedding of a young adult that came through my group. ok, maybe i do a little. but, it's more of an odd feeling. almost like i am proud of them, which doesn't make a lot of sense. it's not like i have any claim on them to be proud, really. but that's how i feel. whether people like it or not, whether their parents are 100 percent approving or not, whether "the concerned" talk about them behind their back or not, they take the step. they get in front of family and friends and say, "ok. we are doing this." statistics say that out of the six (i think) so far ex-humc-kevin-o'kelley-era youth members that have joined the club, only three of them will "make it." i hope that's not the case. i hope they all do. i hope they have made the right and ultimate choice with the right and ultimate person that will see them and be with them through their golden years. my fingers are crossed for them.
this weekend has been a weird one for me. my first nights spent away from caroline. my first in quite a long time spent without sarah and hannah. i'll be glad to have them back tomorrow. after the first wedding friday night, i went and picked up a pizza and a movie and came home to the cats. i've told several people that i felt like it was ten years ago. working at the bank, dressed up and watching a movie alone. i enjoyed the "me" time, but it's overrated in a lot of ways. i overrate it. when we are together all the time, i am in a constant search for "me" time. i crave it. even if for only an hour to exercise in peace. to blog. to not have a baby screaming in one ear. to not hear hannah montana in the other. but this isn't what i signed up for, is it? i signed up for a family. i signed up for company that i can take for granted. i signed up for people to love and to annoy me all at the same time. without them, i feel pretty lonely. without them, i feel off. and i think that's a good thing. godspeed tomorrow, girls, and be careful. you'll have a christmas tree waiting for you. that'll be fun, right?
next weekend will be weird too. for the first time in years, i'll have my brother back. back in town. back in the fold for christmas. back for the first time for more than a couple of hours. i am sure that the time is going to fly by. anticipated time always does. i am excited to see how brian wears sober. many of my memories from our childhood have faded or been tainted by me being mad or disappointed in him. i need new memories. memories of us as brothers as adults. with adult conversations. brothers reunited, if only for four days. it should be a very good four days. and if those four days turn into more opportunities to see my brother, then they will be the best four days.
this is starting to feel like another diary post with not a lot to hold the thoughts together. i should stop and start another day. so, i will. but good luck to you, justin (and bride). and good luck to you, sarah o. (and groom). i miss you, my girls. and i can't wait to see you, brian.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
oh, michael. where art thou?
a lot's been made today of mike vick's choice (or lack thereof) of clothing in yesterday's sentencing. everyone knows the details. i won't rehash them here. the short version is that he got 23 months in jail, and most of the experts think he'll get out of jail and re-enter society around october of 2009. by then, the nfl season will have started, so the hopes of seeing him in any league before 2010 are few and far between.
2010? that's a long time from now. hannah will be in first grade by that time!!! i am not really into judging whether mike got what he "deserved" or not. some think he should've gotten less. some think he should've gotten more. i just know he should've gotten something. quantifying the length of time he should serve just seems pointless. the point that i mourn today is that i'll never see one of my favorite nfl players ever on the field in the same capacity again. he may come back. but he won't come back as a quarterback that has to learn and run a brand new system at age 30. not that 30 is old (at least i hope not), but in nfl terms, youth and potential will always have favor over a guy that most perceived as a pretty crappy "quarterback" anyway. but i do mourn the loss of him on the field. the utter collapse of the falcons because he's gone. the future for vick and his old team looking grim for several years. it's just a shame.
back to the clothes he was wearing, though. why is this weird? he's in jail. what's he supposed to wear? a suit? that would be just as laughable as the black and white striped get-up is humbling. he's not going to be able to afford a suit when he gets out. no reason to pretend he's something that he's not, that being a free citizen with the right to pick his own clothes out.
so, will the heavy sentence mike vick took make any sort of difference to anyone that's currently fighting dogs? i think, absolutely, that it won't. the longer this has dragged on, that mike took a two year hit seems to me to be because he's mike vick more than what i may have gotten if i was into killing dogs for fun. similar to barry bonds, there are always going to be divisive figures in sports/celebrity. if you happen to fall on the side opposite of those with money and power and influence, you better not slip up. because even if you have money and power yourself, "they" will get you when you slip. similar thoughts have been thrown out with regards to the double-standards present here, but let's just say that we find out tomorrow that brett favre (si's sportsman of the year) has a cousin in mississippi that is running the most expansive cock-fighting ring this country's ever seen. let's say brett owns the property. let's say one night, when brett was somewhat influenced by the alcohol he's consumed around the campfire, brett swings a rooster around like it's a lasso and ends the bird's life prematurely. let's say all this hits the fan tomorrow. does brett favre spend any time in jail? do you really think so? maybe dogs and cocks are different. maybe they aren't. maybe blacks and whites are "different". maybe they aren't. but i do know this. "news"papers, sports cable channels and societies on the whole need villains. mike has always been a villain, for whatever reason. i've never gotten it. i never will.
for the last time here, i'll say that dogfighting sucks. absolutely it does. and mike should've gotten something, paid some price for doing something so inhumane. but outside of that, i do hate to think that i'll never get to see mike vick blowing through a hole and up the field like he was the only player allowed to wear rocket-powered cleats. i'll miss that and i'll always think that "the system" took advantage of him in ways that were not entirely fair.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
"when jesus does cool shit, it’s called a miracle, but when tebow does cool shit it’s called hot-dogging. double standard. i consider jesus one of the biggest hot-doggers of all time. 'watch me walk on water because i’m the son of god.'"
(part two)
so, does this mean the holy trinity just became a quartet?
i suspect that it does. i have never heard an athlete give more props to the man upstairs than superman did last night. not that it's a bad thing. not at all. it just rings so weird to me. i didn't know before tebow's docu-piece last night that a doctor had recommended to his parents that, for the mother's own well-being while dreadfully sick, tebow should be aborted. but tebow would not have it. already in communion with powers we regular humans cannot understand, baby tebow told his father from inside the womb to pray harder, which the father did. not only was tebow born, but he was born into a world that did not, previous to last night, believe that underclassmen could win an award as prestigious as the heisman trophy. the doubters now believe. he was born into a world where college quarterbacks could not run for 20 touchdowns and throw for 20 touchdowns in the same season. they now can. he was born into a world that dictated to the young man that for you to be considered a "mobile quarterback", you had to be black or steve young. not anymore. because of tim tebow, it's now ok for white people to be athletic. god bless you, indeed, tim tebow for changing this world for the better.
and damn you to hell, darren mcfadden for not being tim tebow. for not being as outspoken with your god-fearingness. and you, colt brennan, for looking like a douchebag with your fancy passing stats and records. and you, chase daniel, for not being as handsome or as good as the tim tebow you are trying to be. damn you all...right?
i mean, i don't want to be too hypocritical of espn and their collective man-love for tim tebow. but if those other three guys in the room up for the award didn't feel like dirt as they left, they are more firm in their foundation than i would have been in their shoes. the ceremony ended with lee corso and kirk herbstreit agreeing that every parent in the country should wish their child grew up to be like tim tebow (or something like that). this was not confirmed with the families mcfadden, brennan and daniel, but i have to believe that they might have something to say about that.
hero worship is a tricky and thin line to balance on. and that includes worshipping the g-o-d, himself. for, what hope does tim tebow's success allow for people not fortunate enough to own a direct line to jesus? any? a little? a bunch? i mean, i am always in favor of a young person sharing their faith with as many people as possible. being thankful for the gifts that god has given them. shouting their graciousness from the mountaintops (or in front of the cameras). but what if tebow (or any athlete/actor/regular joe) were aware enough to share his faith and a need that their stature could help fill?
"tim, you just won the heisman trophy. what are you feeling?"
"man, i don't know what to say. i do want to give thanks to my lord and savior, jesus christ, and i want those that care to know that the children's place of huffman united methodist church could really use your financial support. the number there is 205-833-7636. christians and non-christians, alike, if you wanna be like tim tebow, you'll wanna give lots of your money and time to the children's place."
"uh. ok, tim. thanks."
or something like that. let's face it. everyone in espn's audience last night knows who jesus is (or is supposed to be). and they also know (because they watch a lot of sports) that thanking god after a game or after something good happens to an athlete has become cliche'. just doing it doesn't carry any weight any more. it's almost become annoying. and yes, i know that opinion is sad, but it's a solid opinion regardless.
rather than just name-dropping, before next season, maybe superman can find some depth to go along with all that praise. maybe he can find a way to use his tremendously large platform for good rather than setting himself up to be a punchline or a caricature.
if he can do that, i truly will have his baby.
(part two)
so, does this mean the holy trinity just became a quartet?
i suspect that it does. i have never heard an athlete give more props to the man upstairs than superman did last night. not that it's a bad thing. not at all. it just rings so weird to me. i didn't know before tebow's docu-piece last night that a doctor had recommended to his parents that, for the mother's own well-being while dreadfully sick, tebow should be aborted. but tebow would not have it. already in communion with powers we regular humans cannot understand, baby tebow told his father from inside the womb to pray harder, which the father did. not only was tebow born, but he was born into a world that did not, previous to last night, believe that underclassmen could win an award as prestigious as the heisman trophy. the doubters now believe. he was born into a world where college quarterbacks could not run for 20 touchdowns and throw for 20 touchdowns in the same season. they now can. he was born into a world that dictated to the young man that for you to be considered a "mobile quarterback", you had to be black or steve young. not anymore. because of tim tebow, it's now ok for white people to be athletic. god bless you, indeed, tim tebow for changing this world for the better.
and damn you to hell, darren mcfadden for not being tim tebow. for not being as outspoken with your god-fearingness. and you, colt brennan, for looking like a douchebag with your fancy passing stats and records. and you, chase daniel, for not being as handsome or as good as the tim tebow you are trying to be. damn you all...right?
i mean, i don't want to be too hypocritical of espn and their collective man-love for tim tebow. but if those other three guys in the room up for the award didn't feel like dirt as they left, they are more firm in their foundation than i would have been in their shoes. the ceremony ended with lee corso and kirk herbstreit agreeing that every parent in the country should wish their child grew up to be like tim tebow (or something like that). this was not confirmed with the families mcfadden, brennan and daniel, but i have to believe that they might have something to say about that.
hero worship is a tricky and thin line to balance on. and that includes worshipping the g-o-d, himself. for, what hope does tim tebow's success allow for people not fortunate enough to own a direct line to jesus? any? a little? a bunch? i mean, i am always in favor of a young person sharing their faith with as many people as possible. being thankful for the gifts that god has given them. shouting their graciousness from the mountaintops (or in front of the cameras). but what if tebow (or any athlete/actor/regular joe) were aware enough to share his faith and a need that their stature could help fill?
"tim, you just won the heisman trophy. what are you feeling?"
"man, i don't know what to say. i do want to give thanks to my lord and savior, jesus christ, and i want those that care to know that the children's place of huffman united methodist church could really use your financial support. the number there is 205-833-7636. christians and non-christians, alike, if you wanna be like tim tebow, you'll wanna give lots of your money and time to the children's place."
"uh. ok, tim. thanks."
or something like that. let's face it. everyone in espn's audience last night knows who jesus is (or is supposed to be). and they also know (because they watch a lot of sports) that thanking god after a game or after something good happens to an athlete has become cliche'. just doing it doesn't carry any weight any more. it's almost become annoying. and yes, i know that opinion is sad, but it's a solid opinion regardless.
rather than just name-dropping, before next season, maybe superman can find some depth to go along with all that praise. maybe he can find a way to use his tremendously large platform for good rather than setting himself up to be a punchline or a caricature.
if he can do that, i truly will have his baby.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
to do "christmas" or to not do "christmas"
as a christian, christmas is supposed to be about "something." i am pretty sure that "something" is not throwing up all over ourselves to find our significant others and family something new, bright and shiny. kids are a completely different issue. how else are our young children supposed to learn the joy of giving if they are not given every little thing their heart desires, at least until the myth of santa claus is debunked? when hannah realizes that her mommy and daddy (and grandparents sometimes) are playing the role of santa, we will then transition to teaching her how to lie to her little sister, perpetuating the idea of a living, breathing santa for caroline for as long as possible. "only through the concept of deceit can a person fully understand the idea of truth.", right? surely, some famous person said that. anyway, i digress. i admit that i have always fallen victim to the idea of christmas and spending huge amounts of money on sarah going hand in hand. not one christmas since we have been together have we not gone above and beyond our agreed upon budget and spent money (thoughtfully) to make sure the other was satisfied with their bounty. and then a funny thing happened.
we don't really need anything anymore. and both of us are having a hard time thinking of things that we want. this is the god's honest truth, but we actually entertained the idea this past week of not doing "christmas" for each other. no, we weren't talking about the idea that jesus wasn't born in december or anything like that. we were talking about what "christmas" is really about. the presents. we threw out the idea to each other and i will be frank (you be judy). the idea felt, how do you say, foreign. i don't remember a christmas with no presents. i don't want to remember a christmas with no presents. do we really want to set this kind of precedent? what if we didn't spend money that we don't have on each other, take in hannah's (and caroline's) christmas and birthday and the joy that it will bring her and then realize that we could go to bed christmas night just as content as we ever have? what then? would that be it? would that mean that every christmas, we would remember 2007 and say things like, "remember last year (or remember christmas, 2007?)? we didn't need presents to be happy. why don't we do that again?" well, that idea freakin' scares me to death. what if ps3's drop 200 bucks in price and i want one next christmas? what excuse (holiday) are we going to use to buy a new television? july 4th??? that just doesn't make any sense!!! it's a line i am not sure that i want us to cross.
admittedly, we didn't talk about the idea for long. probably because we both felt weird about it. maybe it was just me. but the idea of christmas and presents is so wired into me, so wired into most of us, that to unplug from that world doesn't seem very worth it unless i could plug into a world where i have superpowers.
i'll definitely let you know how this "discussion" turns out. my guess is that it will end up with some sort of compromise. i'll just give her "permission" to go buy a lot of clothes and she'll "promise" me that a new hdtv might be in the cards before next football season. we'll have to see.
it's an interesting thought, though. trying to take "christmas" and reclaiming it as christmas. i don't know if i am strong enough to do it, but i'd like to be.
praise god from whom all presents flow.
as a christian, christmas is supposed to be about "something." i am pretty sure that "something" is not throwing up all over ourselves to find our significant others and family something new, bright and shiny. kids are a completely different issue. how else are our young children supposed to learn the joy of giving if they are not given every little thing their heart desires, at least until the myth of santa claus is debunked? when hannah realizes that her mommy and daddy (and grandparents sometimes) are playing the role of santa, we will then transition to teaching her how to lie to her little sister, perpetuating the idea of a living, breathing santa for caroline for as long as possible. "only through the concept of deceit can a person fully understand the idea of truth.", right? surely, some famous person said that. anyway, i digress. i admit that i have always fallen victim to the idea of christmas and spending huge amounts of money on sarah going hand in hand. not one christmas since we have been together have we not gone above and beyond our agreed upon budget and spent money (thoughtfully) to make sure the other was satisfied with their bounty. and then a funny thing happened.
we don't really need anything anymore. and both of us are having a hard time thinking of things that we want. this is the god's honest truth, but we actually entertained the idea this past week of not doing "christmas" for each other. no, we weren't talking about the idea that jesus wasn't born in december or anything like that. we were talking about what "christmas" is really about. the presents. we threw out the idea to each other and i will be frank (you be judy). the idea felt, how do you say, foreign. i don't remember a christmas with no presents. i don't want to remember a christmas with no presents. do we really want to set this kind of precedent? what if we didn't spend money that we don't have on each other, take in hannah's (and caroline's) christmas and birthday and the joy that it will bring her and then realize that we could go to bed christmas night just as content as we ever have? what then? would that be it? would that mean that every christmas, we would remember 2007 and say things like, "remember last year (or remember christmas, 2007?)? we didn't need presents to be happy. why don't we do that again?" well, that idea freakin' scares me to death. what if ps3's drop 200 bucks in price and i want one next christmas? what excuse (holiday) are we going to use to buy a new television? july 4th??? that just doesn't make any sense!!! it's a line i am not sure that i want us to cross.
admittedly, we didn't talk about the idea for long. probably because we both felt weird about it. maybe it was just me. but the idea of christmas and presents is so wired into me, so wired into most of us, that to unplug from that world doesn't seem very worth it unless i could plug into a world where i have superpowers.
i'll definitely let you know how this "discussion" turns out. my guess is that it will end up with some sort of compromise. i'll just give her "permission" to go buy a lot of clothes and she'll "promise" me that a new hdtv might be in the cards before next football season. we'll have to see.
it's an interesting thought, though. trying to take "christmas" and reclaiming it as christmas. i don't know if i am strong enough to do it, but i'd like to be.
praise god from whom all presents flow.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
welcome to arkansas!
(land of champions)
it was entertaining yesterday, having the shoe on the other foot. not a full week after their sixth straight victory over alabama, auburn fans and auburn news and auburn's football "coach" were all that jazz on the local sports-talk airwaves. "will he or won't he?" "a deal is on the table." back and forth went the talk-jockeys. my source said this. mine said that. for a full hour prior to lunch, each segment began with the "news" that tuberville could be gone and then the two guys proceeded to debate whether auburn needed tuberville more or vice versa. occasionally, they'd take a phone call from joe auburn fan. more often than not, joe was pretty defensive and good riddance about the whole thing. "if tuberville doesn't want us, then let him go." quite frankly, i don't know if auburn would really miss a beat if tubs went anywhere. from an outsider's point of view, i don't get the impression that he really does anything other than wear a headset and model under armour gear. borges runs the offense. captain mcpottymouth runs the defense. sure, tubby throws a pretty good hissy-fit, but i am not a big fan of coaches that don't have anything to do during the game other than throw tantrums and hold up one finger after a touchdown.
let's face it, auburn, the new car smell is off this era anyway isn't it? the program is solid. recruiting is solid, if not spectacular every year (it has only taken one year for saban to out-recruit auburn and take most the state's best players back). wouldn't it be cool to throw 80 hundred million at petrino again or some other "hot" coach and see if you couldn't take it up a notch for a few years? shoot, i would. but, then again, i am an alabama fan. my glass is half-full already. as for auburn, i wonder if yours isn't half-empty. 13-0 was great. 13-0 should have at least merited a shot at usc. but 13-0 isn't happening again. not anytime soon. not when you lose to georgia and lsu every year. not when you're about to start losing to alabama again sooner than you might let yourself believe.
if i am an auburn fan, i am crossing my fingers that tommy tuberville takes the cash at arkansas and fills their cupboard for years to come with 9-3 to 7-5 records just like he's done at auburn. and i am hoping that petrino comes to auburn and plays the kind of offensive ball that will be necessary to match up in two or three years with teams like georgia, lsu and alabama that will always have more "talent."
it's been fun as an alabama fan with a chip on his shoulder to have something to laugh about late this week. after hearing that julio came on the roundtable talking about oklahoma and florida, i needed a pick me up.
misery does love company. come on in, joe auburn fan. let's watch west virginia hang 60 on pitt and put me one step closer to being "that guy" that got one prediction right one time and rubs it in all his friends' faces for as long as he can (edit: ugh. or watch their starting quarterback and my pick go down in flames. kiker, andy, etc...you are off the hook.).
(land of champions)
it was entertaining yesterday, having the shoe on the other foot. not a full week after their sixth straight victory over alabama, auburn fans and auburn news and auburn's football "coach" were all that jazz on the local sports-talk airwaves. "will he or won't he?" "a deal is on the table." back and forth went the talk-jockeys. my source said this. mine said that. for a full hour prior to lunch, each segment began with the "news" that tuberville could be gone and then the two guys proceeded to debate whether auburn needed tuberville more or vice versa. occasionally, they'd take a phone call from joe auburn fan. more often than not, joe was pretty defensive and good riddance about the whole thing. "if tuberville doesn't want us, then let him go." quite frankly, i don't know if auburn would really miss a beat if tubs went anywhere. from an outsider's point of view, i don't get the impression that he really does anything other than wear a headset and model under armour gear. borges runs the offense. captain mcpottymouth runs the defense. sure, tubby throws a pretty good hissy-fit, but i am not a big fan of coaches that don't have anything to do during the game other than throw tantrums and hold up one finger after a touchdown.
let's face it, auburn, the new car smell is off this era anyway isn't it? the program is solid. recruiting is solid, if not spectacular every year (it has only taken one year for saban to out-recruit auburn and take most the state's best players back). wouldn't it be cool to throw 80 hundred million at petrino again or some other "hot" coach and see if you couldn't take it up a notch for a few years? shoot, i would. but, then again, i am an alabama fan. my glass is half-full already. as for auburn, i wonder if yours isn't half-empty. 13-0 was great. 13-0 should have at least merited a shot at usc. but 13-0 isn't happening again. not anytime soon. not when you lose to georgia and lsu every year. not when you're about to start losing to alabama again sooner than you might let yourself believe.
if i am an auburn fan, i am crossing my fingers that tommy tuberville takes the cash at arkansas and fills their cupboard for years to come with 9-3 to 7-5 records just like he's done at auburn. and i am hoping that petrino comes to auburn and plays the kind of offensive ball that will be necessary to match up in two or three years with teams like georgia, lsu and alabama that will always have more "talent."
it's been fun as an alabama fan with a chip on his shoulder to have something to laugh about late this week. after hearing that julio came on the roundtable talking about oklahoma and florida, i needed a pick me up.
misery does love company. come on in, joe auburn fan. let's watch west virginia hang 60 on pitt and put me one step closer to being "that guy" that got one prediction right one time and rubs it in all his friends' faces for as long as he can (edit: ugh. or watch their starting quarterback and my pick go down in flames. kiker, andy, etc...you are off the hook.).
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
so, it's time to pay the piper
(a look back at some preseason predictions)
i could waste your time here talking about the attempted robbery at my store sunday. i could talk about how, for the second time in less than a month, some thug placed a gun near a psp employee's head and threatened them in the hopes of getting money that the thug did not earn or deserve. i could waste your time telling you that i've had a harder time dealing with this one than i did mine. that in the past month i've been telling myself that my robbery was a stand-alone event and that lightning wouldn't strike twice. not at our store. no way. well, the guy with the gun pointed at tiffany's head sunday morning proved my theory and hopes wrong. good for you, fucker. and fuck you for getting away with jack shit this time. i could waste your time with my worries, my insecurities and my ever present feeling of paranoia every time i walk in my parking lot. i could do that, but there are more important things to consider...
the complete waste of time that has been this college football season!!!
hurray! hurray for college football. for alabama football. for none of it making any sense at all but somehow making perfect sense all at the same time. i've had to turn sports-talk radio off this week. all of the rabid alabama fans calling in and talking about the disappointment this season was. how saban isn't earning his money. how mike shula could've gone 6-6. give me a break, people. the best this team was ever going to go was 8-4, and i'll give you that they should have. they should've beaten miss. st. and of course they shoud've beaten la. monroe. but 8-4 would've made you happy? really??? what i take from this season is bama could've beaten the best current team in the sec (georgia) in ot. it destroyed one rival in tennessee. it beat arkansas in spite of mcfadden's brilliance and lost well to lsu and auburn. it's getting rid of team-killer (and best offensive player) dj hall to graduation and welcoming in a top five (top 2 if julio comes) recruiting class for the first time in forever (if ever). the future is bright, folks. you can't wipe years of incompetence away in one season. you just can't. it makes me happy that i will only have to push the "let's wait 'til next year" button one time at the most.
aside from that, you can't make predictions, in my mind, if you aren't willing to pay the piper at the end of the year. let's see how i did (the following comments not in italics are taken from my august 31st post).
- if you believe "the experts" and that usc and their crap-tacular system quarterback is going to go undefeated and win the title this year, i have some land in west virginia to sell you. oh, and on that land will reside the real national champion. quick, name me one guy on usc not named booty. or mcknight. or gable. or turner. your turn. go.
woohoo!!! one for one. usc may be the best team in the country, talent-wise. but their quarterbacks suck and alabama fans know how detrimental that can be to a team. the difference in where usc is, as a program, and alabama? usc's quarterbacks suck and they will still be in a bcs bowl. alabama is 6-6. two years, fans. two years. (and by the way, make sure you notice my national title pick. if they win saturday, they'll be playing for it all in january. two for two??? maybe.)
- if you believe darren mcfadden will win the heisman, you don't know dick (and by dick, i mean the quarterback that will lose the heisman for the best player in the country.).
three for three. the games mcfadden didn't explode in were the games that teams made sure he wasn't going to beat them and casey dick couldn't help. it's a shame. my man tebow's going to win the heisman, but mcfadden can blame that on arkansas' quarterback.
- if you believe lsu is as good as miss. st.'s quarterback made them look last night, tune is next week when they beat va. tech 7-0, touchdown courtesy of the coolest player in the country, trindon holliday.
four for four. they weren't as good as miss. st. or va. tech made them look it turns out. dorsey being hurt was one reason, but the defense was overrated from the start. they couldn't stop andre woodson. couldn't stop mcfadden. two losses. oh well. sucks for them.
- if you believe alabama will go any better than 7-5, please send me what you are smoking. or shooting up. or snorting. no, really. whatever it is, send it to me. i want to live in the same make-believe world as you.
see above. the only win they didn't get that i was giving to them prior to the season was la. monroe. as a fan, i am extremely disappointed. as a prognosticator, i am ecstatic!!! five for five.
- if you believe brandon cox is good enough to win any of auburn's four big road games, well, what can i say? enjoy the delusion. i wish alabama had an oft-injured, really old quarterback that can't throw very hard or run very fast. that would be awesome.
my one miss. five for six. cox was horrible to begin the season, but played well enough to lead his team to an underwhelming 8-4 season. played one great half all year in the first half against florida. be honest, auburn fans. are you sad to see this guy go??? i didn't think so.
- finally, if you don't believe that the only thing that matters is whether julio jones comes to alabama and brings his five star buddies with him, then you can't see the forest for the trees.
i stick to this. losing four straight to end the year hurts. it hurts real bad. i have faith in saban, though. i have faith that he can convince julio that alabama needs a supernova to lead them back to prominence. a supernova to go along with their "star". we'll know in just over a couple months whether bama gets him or not. i am saying here that they do.
(a look back at some preseason predictions)
i could waste your time here talking about the attempted robbery at my store sunday. i could talk about how, for the second time in less than a month, some thug placed a gun near a psp employee's head and threatened them in the hopes of getting money that the thug did not earn or deserve. i could waste your time telling you that i've had a harder time dealing with this one than i did mine. that in the past month i've been telling myself that my robbery was a stand-alone event and that lightning wouldn't strike twice. not at our store. no way. well, the guy with the gun pointed at tiffany's head sunday morning proved my theory and hopes wrong. good for you, fucker. and fuck you for getting away with jack shit this time. i could waste your time with my worries, my insecurities and my ever present feeling of paranoia every time i walk in my parking lot. i could do that, but there are more important things to consider...
the complete waste of time that has been this college football season!!!
hurray! hurray for college football. for alabama football. for none of it making any sense at all but somehow making perfect sense all at the same time. i've had to turn sports-talk radio off this week. all of the rabid alabama fans calling in and talking about the disappointment this season was. how saban isn't earning his money. how mike shula could've gone 6-6. give me a break, people. the best this team was ever going to go was 8-4, and i'll give you that they should have. they should've beaten miss. st. and of course they shoud've beaten la. monroe. but 8-4 would've made you happy? really??? what i take from this season is bama could've beaten the best current team in the sec (georgia) in ot. it destroyed one rival in tennessee. it beat arkansas in spite of mcfadden's brilliance and lost well to lsu and auburn. it's getting rid of team-killer (and best offensive player) dj hall to graduation and welcoming in a top five (top 2 if julio comes) recruiting class for the first time in forever (if ever). the future is bright, folks. you can't wipe years of incompetence away in one season. you just can't. it makes me happy that i will only have to push the "let's wait 'til next year" button one time at the most.
aside from that, you can't make predictions, in my mind, if you aren't willing to pay the piper at the end of the year. let's see how i did (the following comments not in italics are taken from my august 31st post).
- if you believe "the experts" and that usc and their crap-tacular system quarterback is going to go undefeated and win the title this year, i have some land in west virginia to sell you. oh, and on that land will reside the real national champion. quick, name me one guy on usc not named booty. or mcknight. or gable. or turner. your turn. go.
woohoo!!! one for one. usc may be the best team in the country, talent-wise. but their quarterbacks suck and alabama fans know how detrimental that can be to a team. the difference in where usc is, as a program, and alabama? usc's quarterbacks suck and they will still be in a bcs bowl. alabama is 6-6. two years, fans. two years. (and by the way, make sure you notice my national title pick. if they win saturday, they'll be playing for it all in january. two for two??? maybe.)
- if you believe darren mcfadden will win the heisman, you don't know dick (and by dick, i mean the quarterback that will lose the heisman for the best player in the country.).
three for three. the games mcfadden didn't explode in were the games that teams made sure he wasn't going to beat them and casey dick couldn't help. it's a shame. my man tebow's going to win the heisman, but mcfadden can blame that on arkansas' quarterback.
- if you believe lsu is as good as miss. st.'s quarterback made them look last night, tune is next week when they beat va. tech 7-0, touchdown courtesy of the coolest player in the country, trindon holliday.
four for four. they weren't as good as miss. st. or va. tech made them look it turns out. dorsey being hurt was one reason, but the defense was overrated from the start. they couldn't stop andre woodson. couldn't stop mcfadden. two losses. oh well. sucks for them.
- if you believe alabama will go any better than 7-5, please send me what you are smoking. or shooting up. or snorting. no, really. whatever it is, send it to me. i want to live in the same make-believe world as you.
see above. the only win they didn't get that i was giving to them prior to the season was la. monroe. as a fan, i am extremely disappointed. as a prognosticator, i am ecstatic!!! five for five.
- if you believe brandon cox is good enough to win any of auburn's four big road games, well, what can i say? enjoy the delusion. i wish alabama had an oft-injured, really old quarterback that can't throw very hard or run very fast. that would be awesome.
my one miss. five for six. cox was horrible to begin the season, but played well enough to lead his team to an underwhelming 8-4 season. played one great half all year in the first half against florida. be honest, auburn fans. are you sad to see this guy go??? i didn't think so.
- finally, if you don't believe that the only thing that matters is whether julio jones comes to alabama and brings his five star buddies with him, then you can't see the forest for the trees.
i stick to this. losing four straight to end the year hurts. it hurts real bad. i have faith in saban, though. i have faith that he can convince julio that alabama needs a supernova to lead them back to prominence. a supernova to go along with their "star". we'll know in just over a couple months whether bama gets him or not. i am saying here that they do.
Friday, November 23, 2007
pre-school musical
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part five))
nothing like a little high school musical and high school musical 2 to brighten up what had turned into a somewhat drab thanksgiving weekend. there are things that i look forward to. and then there are things that i look forward to. one of the things in life that now falls into the latter category is thanksgiving dinner. i've mentioned in the blog at least a couple times how much i appreciate being matrimonially tied to a family that takes their thanksgiving seriously. i am not talking about just the food, but the food plays an important role. maybe, in some ways, the food does the talking for the family. the food and the good-byes.
first comes the food. marie travels to georgia the night before the big day because preparing the feast takes a goodly amount of time. and what a feast it is. dressing. turkey. dressing. ham. dressing. sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top. dressing. coca-cola salad. and dressing. the horrible, drab-steering turn to the feast yesterday was that i had the pleasure of tasting all of it twice, and i don't mean because i went back for seconds. for whatever reason, my stomach picked yesterday, of all days, to revolt. before i even finished my first plate-full of heaven could i tell something was off inside me. many trips to the bathroom later began the longest two hours of my life, the car ride home. for two hours i hung on for dear life or the next gas station, whichever came first, as we (seemingly) slowly made our way back to birmingham. as gross as it sounds and as it is, i have never been so happy to throw up in my own home as i was when i got home last night. but i digress. back to the food. when the family shows up together at sarah's aunt's house, things and conversations pick up as if it hasn't been several months since the entire group was communed in one place. catching up is part of the tradition, sure, but it is a means to a greater end. the meal. the prayer happens and then we eat. more conversation happens around the food, but the central focus is the food. it's a distraction of sorts, but a good one. a healthy one. you see, over the course of however many months it's been since the family has all been together, everyone's had their issues. their drama. their life-changing events. some good. some bad. some issues have been with those that were gathered together yesterday around the food. but for a short time, the food comes to the rescue. the food takes the pressure off of who may have upset who else and helps us remember that most of our issues are borderline petty at best. they (we) still love each other when push comes to shove, right? the food reminds us of this. the feast, itself, and it's lengthy preparation makes for a great metaphor. families that live apart, in separate cities, away from each other are "cooking" all year. the pot at the end of the rainbow is the food. the feast. the time to be around each other again. to know everything that pisses us off and makes us unhappy may still be in the back of our mind, but the food makes it ok for a while.
the food and the good-bye's. i wish i could have told either of my grandfathers good-bye. i didn't have that chance. and i can read it on sarah's face every time we leave georgia that she wants to make sure her good-bye with her (very healthy still) grandfather is a good one. one that she won't regret if the fates would have it that it is her last. but not just with grandfathers do good-bye's count. for the first time since i met him, i had not seen joseph in months. i wanted to make sure that he knew that i missed him, and i am sure i did a very poor job of that indeed. i wish that i could tell joan or marie how lucky i feel to be in their family's company, but the cold and the nausea prevented that notion from being an attainable one. i wanted to tell jimmy that his tv rocked. tell rebecca anything other than hello and goodbye. tell christina one more time that caroline (and her parents) said thank you for being so kind and comfortable. tell sarah's granddad that his family is leaving him a legacy that he should be very proud of. most good-byes, those that have any depth to them, always leave a lot to be desired. it's hard to get out "my world wouldn't be the same without you" even though that may be the way we feel.
watching hannah choreograph routines to her own musical tonight made me thankful for the things that so often go unsaid but always are there. right there on the surface. right there that if we could ever find the courage to say them out loud, the reciprocation factor alone could make a person's year, much less day.
until we find that courage, we'll settle for the food. and let the food do the talking for us. the food and the fact that we are there. together. for one day.
happy thanksgiving.
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part five))
nothing like a little high school musical and high school musical 2 to brighten up what had turned into a somewhat drab thanksgiving weekend. there are things that i look forward to. and then there are things that i look forward to. one of the things in life that now falls into the latter category is thanksgiving dinner. i've mentioned in the blog at least a couple times how much i appreciate being matrimonially tied to a family that takes their thanksgiving seriously. i am not talking about just the food, but the food plays an important role. maybe, in some ways, the food does the talking for the family. the food and the good-byes.
first comes the food. marie travels to georgia the night before the big day because preparing the feast takes a goodly amount of time. and what a feast it is. dressing. turkey. dressing. ham. dressing. sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top. dressing. coca-cola salad. and dressing. the horrible, drab-steering turn to the feast yesterday was that i had the pleasure of tasting all of it twice, and i don't mean because i went back for seconds. for whatever reason, my stomach picked yesterday, of all days, to revolt. before i even finished my first plate-full of heaven could i tell something was off inside me. many trips to the bathroom later began the longest two hours of my life, the car ride home. for two hours i hung on for dear life or the next gas station, whichever came first, as we (seemingly) slowly made our way back to birmingham. as gross as it sounds and as it is, i have never been so happy to throw up in my own home as i was when i got home last night. but i digress. back to the food. when the family shows up together at sarah's aunt's house, things and conversations pick up as if it hasn't been several months since the entire group was communed in one place. catching up is part of the tradition, sure, but it is a means to a greater end. the meal. the prayer happens and then we eat. more conversation happens around the food, but the central focus is the food. it's a distraction of sorts, but a good one. a healthy one. you see, over the course of however many months it's been since the family has all been together, everyone's had their issues. their drama. their life-changing events. some good. some bad. some issues have been with those that were gathered together yesterday around the food. but for a short time, the food comes to the rescue. the food takes the pressure off of who may have upset who else and helps us remember that most of our issues are borderline petty at best. they (we) still love each other when push comes to shove, right? the food reminds us of this. the feast, itself, and it's lengthy preparation makes for a great metaphor. families that live apart, in separate cities, away from each other are "cooking" all year. the pot at the end of the rainbow is the food. the feast. the time to be around each other again. to know everything that pisses us off and makes us unhappy may still be in the back of our mind, but the food makes it ok for a while.
the food and the good-bye's. i wish i could have told either of my grandfathers good-bye. i didn't have that chance. and i can read it on sarah's face every time we leave georgia that she wants to make sure her good-bye with her (very healthy still) grandfather is a good one. one that she won't regret if the fates would have it that it is her last. but not just with grandfathers do good-bye's count. for the first time since i met him, i had not seen joseph in months. i wanted to make sure that he knew that i missed him, and i am sure i did a very poor job of that indeed. i wish that i could tell joan or marie how lucky i feel to be in their family's company, but the cold and the nausea prevented that notion from being an attainable one. i wanted to tell jimmy that his tv rocked. tell rebecca anything other than hello and goodbye. tell christina one more time that caroline (and her parents) said thank you for being so kind and comfortable. tell sarah's granddad that his family is leaving him a legacy that he should be very proud of. most good-byes, those that have any depth to them, always leave a lot to be desired. it's hard to get out "my world wouldn't be the same without you" even though that may be the way we feel.
watching hannah choreograph routines to her own musical tonight made me thankful for the things that so often go unsaid but always are there. right there on the surface. right there that if we could ever find the courage to say them out loud, the reciprocation factor alone could make a person's year, much less day.
until we find that courage, we'll settle for the food. and let the food do the talking for us. the food and the fact that we are there. together. for one day.
happy thanksgiving.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
november 16th
(the day the music died)
"They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!"
i will not be making any pre-thanksgiving holiday rants this year about christmas coming too early. why? because i am part of the "machine." the retail machine that cranks out their christmas items earlier and earlier every year. never mind the fact that if people didn't buy the items as soon as they hit the shelves that we wouldn't be having this conversation. it's easier to paint the "machine" as the bad guy in this story, but who feeds the machine? oh yeah. us. anyway, so you'll have to cry a river to someone else this year about not taking time out for thanksgiving or whatever else and not getting too excited about christmas. i'll be busy decorating my store with rawhide shaped like santa claus.
what i will rant about, though, is the christmas music. i'll be honest. i was prepared for local station 96.5 to crank out the holiday tunes sooner than they did this year. but yesterday was the day. at 12:00 noon it happened. one minute i was listening to "american pie", the next it was the god-awful rendition of "o, holy night" by the equally god-awful (just my personal taste, people) josh groban. the musical a-bomb (or the mcrib) hit me like a ton of bricks. i felt my stomach tighten into a knot. i felt my forehead start glistening with sweat. this was it. the beginning of the end. the beginning of the month and a half long march towards december 26th. the day i can be rid of josh groban and have my don mclean back. and my pink. and kelly clarkson. and the beach boys. and blink 182. and matchbox 20. and all the other random, craptacular music we usually get to enjoy on 96.5 or 94.5.
it will not be the "machine" or the mass consumerism of the holidays that will kill my mood. it will be the music. and what's worse is that it's not christmas music, in general, that i don't like. it's that the stations that i will listen to only cycle through 75 or 100 songs for the next 45 days. why is that? i have several christmas albums littered with good and fun songs. are we that into routine as a society that we can only handle the same bing crosby and alabama songs every year? is that what makes our christmas-time? i kind of doubt it. sure, i mean i know it probably tickles our fancy the first time each year we hear mannheim steamroller, but the 50th? i just want to kill somebody.
and back to the whole "machine" killing christmas thing for a second. (disclaimer: i've done a complete 180 on this over the last couple of years.) are we so shallow that we can't do two things at once? we can't, really (???), be thankful for what god has blessed us with this coming week but still have an eye towards the kick-ass month of parties, presents and, oh yeah, the celebration of the birth of jesus (and hannah) that is december? my guess is that we probably can, but it's in our nature to find a spur to put in our boot so we can walk around being pissed off at something. before you say anything, this entire post is as close to the pot calling the kettle black as i'll ever publish. i, for one, love being pissed off. being pissed off makes me happy, if that makes any sense at all. but this year? not this year, not when it comes to christmas starting too early, whatever that even means.
i'll pick up raging against the machine soon enough, but tonight? bring me dressing. bring me presents. bring me that sweet, sweet baby jesus. all at the same time.
but you can keep your paul mccartney and his "wonderful christmastime". songs like these are why god cries.
(the day the music died)
"They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!"
i will not be making any pre-thanksgiving holiday rants this year about christmas coming too early. why? because i am part of the "machine." the retail machine that cranks out their christmas items earlier and earlier every year. never mind the fact that if people didn't buy the items as soon as they hit the shelves that we wouldn't be having this conversation. it's easier to paint the "machine" as the bad guy in this story, but who feeds the machine? oh yeah. us. anyway, so you'll have to cry a river to someone else this year about not taking time out for thanksgiving or whatever else and not getting too excited about christmas. i'll be busy decorating my store with rawhide shaped like santa claus.
what i will rant about, though, is the christmas music. i'll be honest. i was prepared for local station 96.5 to crank out the holiday tunes sooner than they did this year. but yesterday was the day. at 12:00 noon it happened. one minute i was listening to "american pie", the next it was the god-awful rendition of "o, holy night" by the equally god-awful (just my personal taste, people) josh groban. the musical a-bomb (or the mcrib) hit me like a ton of bricks. i felt my stomach tighten into a knot. i felt my forehead start glistening with sweat. this was it. the beginning of the end. the beginning of the month and a half long march towards december 26th. the day i can be rid of josh groban and have my don mclean back. and my pink. and kelly clarkson. and the beach boys. and blink 182. and matchbox 20. and all the other random, craptacular music we usually get to enjoy on 96.5 or 94.5.
it will not be the "machine" or the mass consumerism of the holidays that will kill my mood. it will be the music. and what's worse is that it's not christmas music, in general, that i don't like. it's that the stations that i will listen to only cycle through 75 or 100 songs for the next 45 days. why is that? i have several christmas albums littered with good and fun songs. are we that into routine as a society that we can only handle the same bing crosby and alabama songs every year? is that what makes our christmas-time? i kind of doubt it. sure, i mean i know it probably tickles our fancy the first time each year we hear mannheim steamroller, but the 50th? i just want to kill somebody.
and back to the whole "machine" killing christmas thing for a second. (disclaimer: i've done a complete 180 on this over the last couple of years.) are we so shallow that we can't do two things at once? we can't, really (???), be thankful for what god has blessed us with this coming week but still have an eye towards the kick-ass month of parties, presents and, oh yeah, the celebration of the birth of jesus (and hannah) that is december? my guess is that we probably can, but it's in our nature to find a spur to put in our boot so we can walk around being pissed off at something. before you say anything, this entire post is as close to the pot calling the kettle black as i'll ever publish. i, for one, love being pissed off. being pissed off makes me happy, if that makes any sense at all. but this year? not this year, not when it comes to christmas starting too early, whatever that even means.
i'll pick up raging against the machine soon enough, but tonight? bring me dressing. bring me presents. bring me that sweet, sweet baby jesus. all at the same time.
but you can keep your paul mccartney and his "wonderful christmastime". songs like these are why god cries.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
if you've seen one unicorn, you've seen them all
in my land of make-believe, my self-worth is highly exaggerated. i'd like to tell myself that if i left my store that i couldn't be replaced in two hours like i replaced the last guy. i'd like to believe that if i left my church, my loss would be felt in the same way we mourn (or celebrate) when our senior pastor is appointed elsewhere. i consider sometimes that if i went away my friends and teammates would not have the same outlets and opportunities to play softball and basketball and flag-football as i present to them by them knowing me. all of these thoughts are completely ridiculous. i am as expendable as the next guy in every lot of my life, the exception, maybe, being my importance to my wife and children and my closest friends.
please don't get me wrong. i am not feeling sorry for myself. i think my perspective is continuing to evolve from the circumstances surrounding october 27th. three separate conversations at church this morning have thrown my thoughts and my mood into a whirling-dervish of ups and downs and in-betweens. the first involved a sunday school class discussion going back and forth between being future-forward and positive vs. admonishing the neglect of our church toward it's last 15 years. one conversation made me realize that i was still too close to some forests to be able to see the trees. and the third ended with an implication that i may want to look for an opportunity above and beyond being the general manager of a pet store.
all three conversations were worth their own journal entry and may still give birth to a later post, but i'll focus on the latter one today. the comment that i can't shake from my brain was very sincere and innocent. maybe they knew of my being robbed and thought that i was looking for a way out of being employed in huffman. maybe they knew how much i loved, on the whole, working for a church and figured retail was below me. maybe there were other motives that i wasn't picking up on, but why would i not want to be exactly where i am today? primarily accountable for a reputable business in the middle of the community where i grew up. employed two minutes away from the church and daycare that my daughters spend the majority of their weeks. responsible for hiring, firing and molding a staff made up of young people that, whether they know it or not, are being ministered to by me. in contact with upwards of 200 or more customers every day that live, speak, breathe and talk about what is important to them (and their pet) in the community that my church hopes to serve. until this morning, i wondered if i were to draw up my ideal situation of livelihood as it concerns my family and spiritual journey if i could come up with anything better than where i am now.
maybe i could. maybe i couldn't. maybe i am rationalizing to make myself feel better. maybe i am living more in my land of make-believe than i would like to imagine.
but i like my land of make-believe. and i bet you like yours too. it's what keeps us going. energized. afoot with the thought that no matter how puny and insignificant in the grand plan and history of the universe we might be, we, too, can make a difference. that we can own the crazy-ass hand that life will always deal us, roll with the punches and stick to what we think god thinks is important. it's tough sledding some days, some mornings. the reality of another person's perception of who you are, who you might be and what you may want to change is a hard pill to swallow. but it goes down eventually and comes out, we hope, as continuing education in the school of life. i wasn't slighted this morning. it just tasted that way. and i appreciate that someone felt i was worth having the conversation with in the first place.
here's to unicorns.
in my land of make-believe, my self-worth is highly exaggerated. i'd like to tell myself that if i left my store that i couldn't be replaced in two hours like i replaced the last guy. i'd like to believe that if i left my church, my loss would be felt in the same way we mourn (or celebrate) when our senior pastor is appointed elsewhere. i consider sometimes that if i went away my friends and teammates would not have the same outlets and opportunities to play softball and basketball and flag-football as i present to them by them knowing me. all of these thoughts are completely ridiculous. i am as expendable as the next guy in every lot of my life, the exception, maybe, being my importance to my wife and children and my closest friends.
please don't get me wrong. i am not feeling sorry for myself. i think my perspective is continuing to evolve from the circumstances surrounding october 27th. three separate conversations at church this morning have thrown my thoughts and my mood into a whirling-dervish of ups and downs and in-betweens. the first involved a sunday school class discussion going back and forth between being future-forward and positive vs. admonishing the neglect of our church toward it's last 15 years. one conversation made me realize that i was still too close to some forests to be able to see the trees. and the third ended with an implication that i may want to look for an opportunity above and beyond being the general manager of a pet store.
all three conversations were worth their own journal entry and may still give birth to a later post, but i'll focus on the latter one today. the comment that i can't shake from my brain was very sincere and innocent. maybe they knew of my being robbed and thought that i was looking for a way out of being employed in huffman. maybe they knew how much i loved, on the whole, working for a church and figured retail was below me. maybe there were other motives that i wasn't picking up on, but why would i not want to be exactly where i am today? primarily accountable for a reputable business in the middle of the community where i grew up. employed two minutes away from the church and daycare that my daughters spend the majority of their weeks. responsible for hiring, firing and molding a staff made up of young people that, whether they know it or not, are being ministered to by me. in contact with upwards of 200 or more customers every day that live, speak, breathe and talk about what is important to them (and their pet) in the community that my church hopes to serve. until this morning, i wondered if i were to draw up my ideal situation of livelihood as it concerns my family and spiritual journey if i could come up with anything better than where i am now.
maybe i could. maybe i couldn't. maybe i am rationalizing to make myself feel better. maybe i am living more in my land of make-believe than i would like to imagine.
but i like my land of make-believe. and i bet you like yours too. it's what keeps us going. energized. afoot with the thought that no matter how puny and insignificant in the grand plan and history of the universe we might be, we, too, can make a difference. that we can own the crazy-ass hand that life will always deal us, roll with the punches and stick to what we think god thinks is important. it's tough sledding some days, some mornings. the reality of another person's perception of who you are, who you might be and what you may want to change is a hard pill to swallow. but it goes down eventually and comes out, we hope, as continuing education in the school of life. i wasn't slighted this morning. it just tasted that way. and i appreciate that someone felt i was worth having the conversation with in the first place.
here's to unicorns.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
burn, piano island, burn
so, for the second time is as many years, the end-ish of a year also marks the end of one of my favorite all-time bands, the blood brothers. it was october of 2006 when i waxed as poetic as i could about what i didn't know at the time would be the brothers' final album. the album couldn't have been a better and more consistent listen from the first track to the last. the last song on the record is called 'the giant swan'. i now wonder if they were prophesying it being their swan song. maybe they weren't at the time. maybe they were. who knows.
two years ago it was bearvsshark that called it quits. if i were to put together a list of my favorite bands of the last ten years (the period in my life that is more defined by music than any other span), it would go like this. 3. bearvsshark 2. brand new. 1. blood brothers. through attrition, brand new is the only one that remains. as weird and disconnected as brand new's frontman can be, it wouldn't suprise me in the slightest if i heard tomorrow or ten years from now that brand new was calling it a day.
i don't know if my ramblings here on in person ever turned anyone other than andy on to the blood brothers. their sound is and was far from accessible. you absolutely could not and can not decipher most of their lyrics without the liner notes in front of you. if you don't like loud, you won't like the blood brothers. if you don't like using your imagination to paint your own picture on top of the musical canvas that they lay out for you, you won't like the blood brothers. they had a unique ability to write a pop song and layer in with so much noise and frenzy that it didn't hit you until about the fifth time through that you were listening the the hardcore equivalent to justin timberlake. alright...alright. that may be stretching it a little, but this is my own little last ditch effort, my own eulogy written in the hopes that you'll consider spinning a blood brothers album sometime before you die or sometime before you lose all your angst, whichever comes first.
so, farewell blood brothers. farewell and good day. may your creative juices continue to spill forth and somehow make their way into my ears. and if they do not, thank you for the good times you have given me and the good music you left for me to enjoy.
love, indeed, rhymes with hideous car wreck.
so, for the second time is as many years, the end-ish of a year also marks the end of one of my favorite all-time bands, the blood brothers. it was october of 2006 when i waxed as poetic as i could about what i didn't know at the time would be the brothers' final album. the album couldn't have been a better and more consistent listen from the first track to the last. the last song on the record is called 'the giant swan'. i now wonder if they were prophesying it being their swan song. maybe they weren't at the time. maybe they were. who knows.
two years ago it was bearvsshark that called it quits. if i were to put together a list of my favorite bands of the last ten years (the period in my life that is more defined by music than any other span), it would go like this. 3. bearvsshark 2. brand new. 1. blood brothers. through attrition, brand new is the only one that remains. as weird and disconnected as brand new's frontman can be, it wouldn't suprise me in the slightest if i heard tomorrow or ten years from now that brand new was calling it a day.
i don't know if my ramblings here on in person ever turned anyone other than andy on to the blood brothers. their sound is and was far from accessible. you absolutely could not and can not decipher most of their lyrics without the liner notes in front of you. if you don't like loud, you won't like the blood brothers. if you don't like using your imagination to paint your own picture on top of the musical canvas that they lay out for you, you won't like the blood brothers. they had a unique ability to write a pop song and layer in with so much noise and frenzy that it didn't hit you until about the fifth time through that you were listening the the hardcore equivalent to justin timberlake. alright...alright. that may be stretching it a little, but this is my own little last ditch effort, my own eulogy written in the hopes that you'll consider spinning a blood brothers album sometime before you die or sometime before you lose all your angst, whichever comes first.
so, farewell blood brothers. farewell and good day. may your creative juices continue to spill forth and somehow make their way into my ears. and if they do not, thank you for the good times you have given me and the good music you left for me to enjoy.
love, indeed, rhymes with hideous car wreck.
Friday, November 02, 2007
turning 31
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part four))
caroline is asleep upstairs. it's 7:55 a.m. right now.
technically, i've already started my first official daddy/daughter day at home with her, but it doesn't feel like it yet. after i finish here, i'll go wake her up and we'll start our day. we need to go to the store for a few minutes to talk with kathy. sometime around midday, we'll go have lunch with mommy and visit with the folks in her office. we may do a little more visiting after that. we'll just have to wait and see. i am happy right now at the thought of hanging out with her. i know mommy is sad that she had to go back to work yesterday, but things are going to be just fine i think. it's probably good that i am posting now, when she is so calm and peaceful and not at the end of the day when i can't get her to stop screaming. maybe that won't happen. maybe...
since my last post, the week has been pretty busy. putting last saturday behind me has been difficult in a lot of ways. if i let my mind wander, it immediately takes me back to that morning. to that guy. and to that gun. leave it to my resident eternal pessimist, kiker, to e-mail me monday morning and tell me that the softball team could have been preparing for a funeral instead of a game this week. truth be told, that thought was pulled from the middle of a really sweet note, but my reaction was, "shit. you are right." people get held up all the time. mugged. even worse. and the easiest way to deal with it happening so much is to not pay attention to it. but i can't help but have a new and enlightened respect for someone that's gone through an experience similar to mine. even if their's was also non-violent, it's as vulnerable as a human being can feel if they aren't already facing something life-threatening.
31 isn't supposed to be a very important or noteworthy birthday. nothing big happens. no surprise parties to celebrate entering a new decade of life. i don't feel older. less agile. less aware. less relevant. 31 is supposed to be a birthday that's celebrated within the family and acknowledged by friends, but you don't scrapbook turning 31 as much as you just affirm it as a means to some end. for me, turning 31 was different than it should've been, probably for all the wrong reasons. i felt very lucky to have my wife. my daughters. my friends that, bar none, when i told them about saturday, made sure that i was ok first and foremost. i should feel lucky for all of those things everyday, but i don't. or didn't. most days, i take them for granted.
you know what's the biggest shame? this time next week, i may be taking all of my treasures for granted again. i am going to try not to, but there's a chance it will happen. things will be busy at work. i'll have my head too deep into what's going on at the church. i'll be pissed off. and i'll take it out on the people that i shouldn't. this past tuesday, though? the nondescript birthday-of-a-day that i turned 31? on that day, i did not. take my treasures for granted that is. and my birthday wish was that on most days, i could maintain that focus.
that is my birthday wish and my prayer this morning. i am glad that caroline allowed me to start today like this. with some time to myself. with some time to write a reminder to be calm later today when she gets fussy. with some time to soak in how lucky i am to have a day like this.
i am coming upstairs to wake you up, (baby) baby girl. don't be too pissed.
(hannah and caroline and me)
((part four))
caroline is asleep upstairs. it's 7:55 a.m. right now.
technically, i've already started my first official daddy/daughter day at home with her, but it doesn't feel like it yet. after i finish here, i'll go wake her up and we'll start our day. we need to go to the store for a few minutes to talk with kathy. sometime around midday, we'll go have lunch with mommy and visit with the folks in her office. we may do a little more visiting after that. we'll just have to wait and see. i am happy right now at the thought of hanging out with her. i know mommy is sad that she had to go back to work yesterday, but things are going to be just fine i think. it's probably good that i am posting now, when she is so calm and peaceful and not at the end of the day when i can't get her to stop screaming. maybe that won't happen. maybe...
since my last post, the week has been pretty busy. putting last saturday behind me has been difficult in a lot of ways. if i let my mind wander, it immediately takes me back to that morning. to that guy. and to that gun. leave it to my resident eternal pessimist, kiker, to e-mail me monday morning and tell me that the softball team could have been preparing for a funeral instead of a game this week. truth be told, that thought was pulled from the middle of a really sweet note, but my reaction was, "shit. you are right." people get held up all the time. mugged. even worse. and the easiest way to deal with it happening so much is to not pay attention to it. but i can't help but have a new and enlightened respect for someone that's gone through an experience similar to mine. even if their's was also non-violent, it's as vulnerable as a human being can feel if they aren't already facing something life-threatening.
31 isn't supposed to be a very important or noteworthy birthday. nothing big happens. no surprise parties to celebrate entering a new decade of life. i don't feel older. less agile. less aware. less relevant. 31 is supposed to be a birthday that's celebrated within the family and acknowledged by friends, but you don't scrapbook turning 31 as much as you just affirm it as a means to some end. for me, turning 31 was different than it should've been, probably for all the wrong reasons. i felt very lucky to have my wife. my daughters. my friends that, bar none, when i told them about saturday, made sure that i was ok first and foremost. i should feel lucky for all of those things everyday, but i don't. or didn't. most days, i take them for granted.
you know what's the biggest shame? this time next week, i may be taking all of my treasures for granted again. i am going to try not to, but there's a chance it will happen. things will be busy at work. i'll have my head too deep into what's going on at the church. i'll be pissed off. and i'll take it out on the people that i shouldn't. this past tuesday, though? the nondescript birthday-of-a-day that i turned 31? on that day, i did not. take my treasures for granted that is. and my birthday wish was that on most days, i could maintain that focus.
that is my birthday wish and my prayer this morning. i am glad that caroline allowed me to start today like this. with some time to myself. with some time to write a reminder to be calm later today when she gets fussy. with some time to soak in how lucky i am to have a day like this.
i am coming upstairs to wake you up, (baby) baby girl. don't be too pissed.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
HOLY FUCK!!!
(it's a gun!)
it's not as much a lack of time that has dictated me not posting this week as much as it's been a lack of inspiration. i guess that's kind of sad considering i have any number of good and beautiful things to write about here in my house. but, for whatever reason, my motivation has been missing. nothing like a little armed robbery to change all that, huh...
i wish i was kidding. i really do. obviously, what happened yesterday morning falls underneath the category of "things you don't believe can happen to you until they do". and they did. i was walking out to my car yesterday morning around 10:00 a.m. just like i always walk out to my car when i am taking the daily deposit to the bank. my head was down. i was in my own little world, contemplating things that i would try and accomplish when i got back to the store. behind me, i heard footsteps on the pavement that sounded like someone was running across the parking lot (little did i know...). out of curiosity, i turned to see who was in such a hurry. as i turned, i made eye contact with a black man dressed in black jeans, a long-sleeve black shirt and a black mask. the man was no more than twenty feet away from me, heading in my direction. as we made eye contact, i noticed the man was carrying some sort of revolver. i noticed the gun because as i turned and noticed the dude, the fucker cocked his weapon. out of everything that happened in that fifteen seconds or so, i will never forget the sound of him cocking that gun. instantly, my body instinctively froze. i turned my head down and the guy got right up on me, pointed the gun in the direction of my face and upper torso and screamed, "GIMME THE BAG! GIMME THE BAG! GIMME THE BAG!" i said back to him, "ok, ok, ok." i lifted the bag up with my left hand. dude grabbed the bag and took off on foot running in between sal's and o'reilly's. i wondered if i should chase after him. follow him on foot while i was calling '911' and try and give the police some direction. but as i tried to take a step, i realized that every muscle in my body had been scared stiff, literally. it was like everything in me cramped all at once. it took me taking a couple steps to loosen up and have my wits about me enough to call the cops. i did. reported the robbery. went back into the store. told the employees what had happened. called my boss. helped an officer fill out his report. and that was it. the event was over. the rest of the day was spent remembering what happened, retelling the story over and over and trying not to think about all of the things that could've happened. it was my boss that scared me the most when he said to me that it was probably a good thing i turned and caught his attention. otherwise, maybe his plan would have been to knock me out cold and take the bag off the ground or use the gun for something even worse. thankfully, neither of those things happened and i walked away not much more than stunned.
the scariest part of the aftermath was the realization that it was the easiest sum of money the guy had ever made in fifteen seconds. and the thought that if it was that easy, that he or one of his buddies would be back for more. we'll hope that doesn't happens, but we will never really know for sure. the knee-jerk reactions will lead us to change our routine. to make intentional decisions and moves that might keep anyone that is watching us off-balance. but short of hiring a hired security person (which we can't afford) to take our deposit to the bank everyday, we will never be 100 percent safe. clearly, we never were. in one of my conversations yesterday i mentioned that during my time in the store, i had played through all sorts of scenarios that included armed gunmen coming into the store to rob us, but never once had i worried about my safety walking to my car.
i will now.
so, what now? now, i have to calm down. now i have to beat back down my "inner racist" and remind myself that yesterday's trauma had nothing to do with color and everything to do with a sense of hopelessness that lead a young man to feel like robbing someone at gunpoint was his best option of taking care of himself or his family. i have to try not to hold it against "my community" and spin the positives of me being ok into action pointed towards finding ways to fill needs around the church. find ways to do my part, however little that may be, in curing a culture and neighborhood that is sick with desperation.
yesterday, i wished that the douchebag was hit by a dumptruck fleeing the scene of the crime. today, i am sorry that he felt like he had to do it, and i am thankful that i wasn't hurt in the process.
for the length of time that his eyes and his gun haunt my dreams, though, i'll ask for forgiveness in not wanting to treat the dude to lunch if we are ever properly introduced.
Monday, October 22, 2007
UNDER-WHELMING!!!
(clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)
it's what i get, really. i should've learned by now. and it works both ways. if i set myself up for something to be super-great, it will usually end up mediocre. if i spend way too much time dreading that something is going to be horrible, i am usually rewarded with the experience in question being less than loathsome. but, i haven't learned. and i let myself put too much stock into yesterday morning. in my head, i wanted our sunday school's meeting with the pastor to be more than it possibly could have been. sunday school is already short. we didn't have enough time to have a discussion. what we were given was a very gracious and humble pastor in our presence. what we were given were three or four anecdotes that were intended to give us an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny nugget of insight into the grand plan of huffman that we don't have a blueprint for yet. and i left. disappointed. again.
but i wasn't really disappointed in chris, more in myself for setting myself up for failure again. it bothers me when i make the same mistake over and over again. it seems to be an instinctual mistake. something that's wired into me. maybe it's like that for everybody. who knows. if it is, it could explain why we, as a church, continue to trip over our own feet over and over again. we don't mean to. we just can't help it. but, i can't believe that. i believe that i've conditioned myself into a bad habit. i don't smoke. i don't do drugs. my vice is to worry. what are you gonna do?
so, sure, i was underwhelmed by the experience. i think we all were. it's the first time since sarah and i rejoined the class that we've had perfect attendance. when chris walked in, it was like the principal had just interrupted class and we all piped down. we weren't talking about him, but i am sure it seemed that way. it's probably been that way with every class. well, most classes. hannah and her pre-school class probably didn't really give a shit unless he was giving out candy. i digress. we all were looking for something. and there is a small part of me that is sad that the very small, very time-constrained meeting with our senior pastor didn't foster more of a positive response. but, again, that's probably just a product of misplaced expectations.
"from the depths of despair (o, lord)", it seems as if the meeting might have fostered something more important. "hear my (our) cry (o, lord)", it seems that our class may be sending forth a collective prayer. what, in the moment, may have seemed like a letdown looks like it now could become something more. i will choose my words wisely, and i will try to govern my enthusiasm. but i think that, yesterday, our class may have turned a corner. not because of our special visit, but in spite of it. and that, my friends, gets a tired christian excited.
only god knows what we, as a collective sunday school and church, are capable of. for the first time in a long time, though, i can claim confidence as part of my artillery. when i am confident, i play a better shortstop. when i am confident, i play a better speaker. when i am confident, i play a better husband, father and friend. i have to believe the same can be said for playing a christian too.
attention, good folks of humc:
come december 2nd, things begin to change.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
hannah and caroline and me
(part three)
really??? this time next week caroline will be two months old? that's kind of hard to believe, but not in the "man, time really flies" kind of way. i don't feel like the last two months have dashed by. i know sarah does. the calendar had not flipped over to october before she was stressing out about having to go back to work. and i understand that. every time i have two days off, i feel like i could never go back to work and be completely happy. that idea, in and of itself, i know is ridiculous. usually around midday of the second of any two consecutive days i have off i will find myself bored and pacing around the house looking for someone to annoy or some cat to wake up. but i couldn't imagine having a couple months off with a brand new baby girl, each day filled with not much more than taking a walk and snuggling and feeding the baby and napping, and then coming to grips with the idea of not having that anymore. coming to grips with taking that sweet baby girl to daycare and "only seeing her at night and on the weekend." it's a sad thought, but it's part of our reality. i've mentioned here that sarah and i, both, are the kind of people that need more than their kids for stimulation. i think sarah'll soon enough realize how much she likes work and helping people and it won't seem like too much of a burden. and that time at home with the baby girl and the baby, baby girl will seem even more precious. and rare. and priceless.
these first two months in the life of caroline lilla o'kelly have treated our family well. we've seen each other a lot. we've gotten on each other's nerves. we've done fun things together. we've visited with family. we're getting back into church. we're finding new friends. not giving up on old ones. we are wondering when our back yard will start to not feel weird. we've discovered the best tv show since arrested development. we laugh together. as of last week, we feed the baby together. mind you, things could be a lot worse.
and so we turn the page. we will begin to write the next chapter. the one that's titled, "caroline goes to school". it will be different, but different isn't a bad thing. it's just...different.
that next chapter will include the resurrection of the halloween carnival. it will include a new basketball season. it will include sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top and dressing. it will include my old ass turning 31. it will include christmas, which should be a new and exciting ballgame this year since we will be scaling back our commitments. i can see it also including my sunday school class deciding what direction we really want to go in. do we want to embed ourselves into every committee and ministry of our old, tired church and try to "corrupt" from within? or do we just turn the bastard on it's head and go in a new direction? i don't want to try and be the northeast birmingham annex of ginghamsburg united methodist church, but, hell, i am not above stealing anyone's good ideas. this sunday could be a turning point. the pastor comes to our sunday school class. for 45 minutes, we'll either scare him to death or excite him because he's just learned he has 15+ good soldiers to add to his army. we'll see. one thing i do know. i am certain that our class is ready to be much more than "all talk." i'll let you know what happens.
if this current chapter ends with alabama kicking tennessee's ass saturday, that'd be cool too.
(part three)
really??? this time next week caroline will be two months old? that's kind of hard to believe, but not in the "man, time really flies" kind of way. i don't feel like the last two months have dashed by. i know sarah does. the calendar had not flipped over to october before she was stressing out about having to go back to work. and i understand that. every time i have two days off, i feel like i could never go back to work and be completely happy. that idea, in and of itself, i know is ridiculous. usually around midday of the second of any two consecutive days i have off i will find myself bored and pacing around the house looking for someone to annoy or some cat to wake up. but i couldn't imagine having a couple months off with a brand new baby girl, each day filled with not much more than taking a walk and snuggling and feeding the baby and napping, and then coming to grips with the idea of not having that anymore. coming to grips with taking that sweet baby girl to daycare and "only seeing her at night and on the weekend." it's a sad thought, but it's part of our reality. i've mentioned here that sarah and i, both, are the kind of people that need more than their kids for stimulation. i think sarah'll soon enough realize how much she likes work and helping people and it won't seem like too much of a burden. and that time at home with the baby girl and the baby, baby girl will seem even more precious. and rare. and priceless.
these first two months in the life of caroline lilla o'kelly have treated our family well. we've seen each other a lot. we've gotten on each other's nerves. we've done fun things together. we've visited with family. we're getting back into church. we're finding new friends. not giving up on old ones. we are wondering when our back yard will start to not feel weird. we've discovered the best tv show since arrested development. we laugh together. as of last week, we feed the baby together. mind you, things could be a lot worse.
and so we turn the page. we will begin to write the next chapter. the one that's titled, "caroline goes to school". it will be different, but different isn't a bad thing. it's just...different.
that next chapter will include the resurrection of the halloween carnival. it will include a new basketball season. it will include sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top and dressing. it will include my old ass turning 31. it will include christmas, which should be a new and exciting ballgame this year since we will be scaling back our commitments. i can see it also including my sunday school class deciding what direction we really want to go in. do we want to embed ourselves into every committee and ministry of our old, tired church and try to "corrupt" from within? or do we just turn the bastard on it's head and go in a new direction? i don't want to try and be the northeast birmingham annex of ginghamsburg united methodist church, but, hell, i am not above stealing anyone's good ideas. this sunday could be a turning point. the pastor comes to our sunday school class. for 45 minutes, we'll either scare him to death or excite him because he's just learned he has 15+ good soldiers to add to his army. we'll see. one thing i do know. i am certain that our class is ready to be much more than "all talk." i'll let you know what happens.
if this current chapter ends with alabama kicking tennessee's ass saturday, that'd be cool too.
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