hannah and caroline and me

(part twenty-three)

what does this picture say?

caroline: "here hannah. can i help you with what you are working on? how about a pen? do you need this pen?"

hannah: "no, thank you, caroline. you are a sweetheart for asking, but, at this moment, i am perfectly content with life and have everything a kind-hearted five year-old could ever need."

caroline: "are you sure, dear sister? please let me get this pen for you. i can even press the top so that it will ring out a fabulous track from high school muscal 2. it will bring music to your ears just like you bring music to my life every time we share a most peaceful moment just like this one that mommy just caught on camera. "

hannah: "no, but because you've been so nice to me this evening, i will let you play with every one of my toys in the bath tonight. i will not swipe any from your grasp. and i will lean back and enjoy what a wonder it is to have a younger sister to share my tub and my days with. i love you, caroline."

caroline: "i love you too, hannah. kisses. "

bull.

shit.

i don't know how much of a surprise it would be to any of you that have children if i told you that immediately after this cute photo was taken, hannah stole the pen back out of caroline's wee, baby hands because "that's mine, caroline!" and stabbed her younger sister in the neck. there was blood. there was screaming. there was gnashing of teeth. caroline proceeded to crane-kick hannah's front two teeth out. hannah then responded with the five point palm exploding heart technique, masterfully executed on the sweet baby, baby girl. caroline, resigned to her fate and at the same time impressed with her sister's skill, slowly took her bib off, wiped with it away the blood now slowly dripping from her sweet baby, baby girl lips, tugged on her mommy's pants-leg, gave her the sign for milk and fell to the floor, her spirit leaving this battleground that is our kitchen forever.

(and...scene!)

hannah: "well played, caroline."

caroline: "you don't think i oversold it?"

hannah: "definitely not. it was brilliant."

caroline: "you are too kind."

so, maybe the karate kid/kill bill death duel didn't really happen, but it feels like some degree of it happens almost every night. and i think that's why we haven't had a "hannah and caroline and me" installment in over a month and a half. they make me too tired. they make me too frustrated. they piss me off all the time. and they don't listen (nevermind the fact that caroline probably can't hear. hannah doesn't have that excuse.). ever. "hannah, do this." "hannah, do that." "hannah, stop pulling your sister's eyes out." "hannah, upstairs." "hannah, no!" "caroline, no!" "caroline, please stop crying." "caroline, that's your sister's." "caroline, don't go up the stairs."

sarah, can we please put them to bed? send them to your mom's house? bus them to aunt joan? something?

and then hannah drops this nugget on me after i picked her up today. i told her that her sister had to go to the doctor this afternoon, because she didn't need to be sick when she went to get her tubes put in her ears next week.

"daddy, i love my sister. i hope they fix her ears."

"they will, baby." "they will."

you had to hear the tone of her voice, really, but she could not have been any more sincere or caring if we were bribing her with the lie that hannah montana, herself, would be babysitting her this weekend. it wasn't provoked. it wasn't premeditated. it was unconditional and beautiful and further evidence that i am a complete dick most of the time in the way i handle the interactions of a five and a one-and-a-half year-old when they are both tired from long days at school.

dammit.

i love you, girls.

no, really.