#8


we've already established here in this series that everybody poops. we don't talk about it, because poop is gross. it happens. we know it. no biggie. we've also established that everybody craps their pants. we don't talk about it either, because we think it's even more gross (it's not) or uncommon (it's not) or unnatural (it's not). everybody poops. everybody has a splash of diarrhea from time to time and everybody accidentally poops their pants. welcome to the human race. it's part of the journey.

even though the frequency with which i've pooped my pants has increased drastically while on chemo, it's been directly proportional to how often i deliver the waterbabies. if all we ever had was waterbabies, we'd all be pooping our pants all the time, and it'd be no big deal whatsoever.

one of the most painful symptoms of this particular toxicity, though, i didn't properly prepare myself for. i don't often try and visualize what my rectum looks like, but, at this point, i can only imagine it looks like someone chewed up raw hamburger and spit it out. and then covered it with blood. at the end of the chewed up hamburger meat now grows every nerve ending in my body, naked and violently exposed to the delivery of the waterbabies over and over and over again. in and of itself, this would cause the hemorrhoids and it would also cause pain, because, let's face it. the human body isn't made to endure rip-roaring diarrhea five to six times a day, day after day after day, much less clean up after those experiences day after day after day. again, we've all had those dreadful diarrhea days, but they usually only last 12-24 hours and then our body heals itself. during the last three weeks of every one of my nine cycles, my chemo stomach does not allow for one of my most sensitive areas to heal. even the softest, most heavenly piece of toilet paper feels like prison toilet paper. no, fuck that. prison toilet paper would be the best. it all feels like sandpaper, and since every nerve ending in my body is now exposed outside of the chewed up hamburger meat, it hurts.

no, i didn't properly prepare myself for that type of pain. nor did i prepare to feel like i was always "open for business". part of the natural order of things when you are going number two is when you finish your business, you can tell. the hatch closes, and you know it's time to wipe, lysol, and exit the gas chamber. if you are delivering waterbabies five to six times a day, the hatch breaks, at least mine does/has. sitting on the toilet, i always have that sensation that there is more yet to come. after an arbitrary number of minutes, i just have to cut my losses and clean up the hamburger meat. the only thing i've found to be more sensitive than the outside of the hamburger meat is inside the hatch. sandpaper was never meant for that area.

the only lesson to be gleaned here? never eat. never feed the beast. and god help you if you ever have to clean the inside of the hatch.

#8

toxicities present:

holy crap, literally. non-stop waterbabies all day. imodium had no power to stop them.

stomach is so, so cramped and mad at me.

couldn't shake the fatigue mid-afternoon on.

chest and back have been tight all day. either i'm going to have a heart attack or throw up later tonight. i'm no doctor, but i'm pretty sure those are the only two options.

feet got a little better today.

pain (scaled 1-10):

based purely on my butt - 8