#9


i used to be super-afraid to throw up. i would do everything in my power to not throw up. breathing exercises. meditation. "there is no spoon." no one likes to throw up. i mean, i get it. it's not just me. it's such a helpless and fucked up feeling. this self-defense mechanism of the body where your insides literally turn themselves inside out to hurl something evil out of your system. the initial surge is usually surprising, but it's not the worst part. that initial surge is when the lion's share of the evil is purged and most of the contents of the stomach are puked into the toilet bowl. but, no, it's not the part that i was always terrified by. it's those next two to three to four heaves that finish off the violence. one of those last heaves always last just a liiiitle bit too long, right? you propel and expunge and push and garble and moan until your completely out of breath except the heave isn't finished. not just yet. it's goes further, for maybe just two or three more seconds until you reach the point where you feel like you are going to pass out or die. that is the scariest part. but the heave does stop, you can swallow a deep breath and live to throw up another day.

thursday a week ago, when i threw up four or five times in three hours, i had that death heave feeling every time, and something changed. after the second or third time, i looked forward to it. i had experienced it enough to know for a fact i would not die. i knew the death heave feeling was signaling the end of that respective episode. so, i owned that shit. pushed even harder than necessary. dared my brain to lose enough oxygen to black out. silently screamed a "fuck this cancer shit!" to myself and moved outside of my fear and back into reality.

reality told me i was really sick that day, but i would get better. i hope that experience plays as a metaphor for the bigger picture of this chemo experience in a couple weeks.

#9

toxicities present:

several premature deliveries of waterbabies today. that particular orifice is so damaged at this point that it would be too disturbing to describe here today. doesn't mean i won't do it tomorrow when it gets worse.

the mouth is so bad i've had to skip brushing my teeth a couple times over the last few days or just go with water to avoid the pain the toothpaste causes.

feet are improving slightly. if i get out of this cycle having already experienced the worst foot days, it will be better than in past cycles. that would be a surprise.

fatigue wasn't so bad today. usually not on off days. still nice.

muscle stiffness wasn't quite as bad today either. calm before the storm? we'll see.

pain (scaled 1-10):

4