happy index
(part the last one)
the kohi will close for good (for now) at a strong:
9
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
another somewhat disappointing run. ran/walked over five miles, but the walking part makes me want to punch a brick wall. what is wrong with me? is it just the weather, or is it all mental now?
the good:
burned 611 calories in spite of myself on the run.
got to use my forerunner gps watch for the first time. i haven't even scratched the surface of everything it can do, but it was pretty awesome getting to run and not hold my phone the whole time.
brought home a bike from amy's place so that i could ride with hannah this summer.
picked up the girls from daycare and drove downtown to surprise mommy and have dinner "in the city". the girls were very pleasant and we were able to use a groupon at surin. we all enjoyed ourselves. the sushi was quite excellent.
came home and rode bikes for the first time with my first baby girl. i can be an ass and really hard on hannah. she's proven that she's worth high expectations, but sometimes i can take those too far. since she took off on her bike, i've given her a hard time every time she has backslid a little, and that is totally unfair. even so, she was totally stoked to ride with me tonight and she stayed on her bike until the fireflies came out...
watched hannah catch fireflies in the backyard. caroline was super-tickled watching her sister and it was really a beautiful scene in our backyard. this time last year, hannah would have totally freaked out at the thought of catching bugs, but she was totally into it tonight.
commentary:
i'll have a kohi post-mortem sometime later this month (maybe). i don't know if i accomplished what i wanted to with the experiment. i don't know that i became a happier person over the last 29 days. i do know that i found myself, at the end of each of those days, looking for the good in them. that, in and of itself, is a discipline that i hope i can continue even if i am not sitting down with a physical inventory and rundown every night.
another nugget of wisdom came from the old turtle in kung fu panda last night. he told his apprentice that there is a saying...
"yesterday is history. tomorrow is a mystery. today is a gift. that is why they call it the present."
i want to resemble this. why the fuck do i spend so much of my time worrying about what kind of cancer i am going to have next or when i am going to die? sure, i am scared, and that's likely never going to change. only one day out of many, many days that i hope to have left will that happen. i need to let go and live with the gifts of my todays. my wife. my children. my friends. sustaining all of those by maintaining and excelling in some form of occupation. loving and loathing alabama football and the braves. knowing more than "you" about whatever sport we're talking about. that's all there really is, right?
so long, kohi. you served me well.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
happy index
(part twenty-eight)
kohi closed down last night at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
just an overall good day today, which is somewhat striking following a nice off day and leading up to and into another.
the day at work skipped right on by. it helped that my co-manager and one of my assistant managers were both there with me for most of the shift, me making sure they were ready to take care of the store in my absence next week. having to be deliberate and talk out loud through almost all of my monday did two things. it made me realize how much i do on mondays, and it made the day hurry to its end.
came home to the girls playing in the backyard with a sprinkler and a baby pool, hamming it up together and having a ball. the older caroline gets, the more she can hold her own with hannah. inevitably, the play time will end with hannah body-slamming caroline into some piece of furniture and us having to decide how differently to scold the big sister into realizing she's, you know, the bigger sister. pre-injury and crying, it's nice to hear them cackle and enjoy each other.
grilled out for the second consecutive day, this time chicken. very, very good dinner all around. made me wonder if we could find time to grill every night we are home. in related news, i think tuesday night is hamburger helper night.
watched about 45 minutes of kung fu panda with the girls before bedtime and smiled when the old turtle echoed the same sentiment i tried to share with hannah earlier in the evening after she had kneed caroline in the ear. "there are no accidents".
(part twenty-eight)
kohi closed down last night at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
just an overall good day today, which is somewhat striking following a nice off day and leading up to and into another.
the day at work skipped right on by. it helped that my co-manager and one of my assistant managers were both there with me for most of the shift, me making sure they were ready to take care of the store in my absence next week. having to be deliberate and talk out loud through almost all of my monday did two things. it made me realize how much i do on mondays, and it made the day hurry to its end.
came home to the girls playing in the backyard with a sprinkler and a baby pool, hamming it up together and having a ball. the older caroline gets, the more she can hold her own with hannah. inevitably, the play time will end with hannah body-slamming caroline into some piece of furniture and us having to decide how differently to scold the big sister into realizing she's, you know, the bigger sister. pre-injury and crying, it's nice to hear them cackle and enjoy each other.
grilled out for the second consecutive day, this time chicken. very, very good dinner all around. made me wonder if we could find time to grill every night we are home. in related news, i think tuesday night is hamburger helper night.
watched about 45 minutes of kung fu panda with the girls before bedtime and smiled when the old turtle echoed the same sentiment i tried to share with hannah earlier in the evening after she had kneed caroline in the ear. "there are no accidents".
Sunday, May 29, 2011
happy index
(part twenty-seven)
kohi's going to close at:
9 (may drop to 8 if braves blow this lead.)
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
the weather for today's run was just devastating. all three runs this week were less than stellar. the common denominator was the heat. my mental make-up is taking a beating all the while, and i am now certain i will never run 5 consecutive miles again.
the good:
a lot today...
limbo started the day off nicely with a good conversation on the "rapture", the death, and the ever-present want for some security in "what comes next". i love limbo.
i ran. as disappointing as this week has been compared to last week, i will still say this. i have only been running four months. i am starting to look forward to running. as a result of me saying good things more often than bad, sarah responded in a HUGE way and purchased a gps watch for me so i don't have to carry my phone along with me. it's charged and ready for my run on tuesday. can't freaking wait!
came home and played outside with the girls. frustrating in moments, but a good way to spend an hour.
great night at home grilling out burgers for the first time in forever. my goodness, they were a wonderful, high calorie treat. i'll have a leftover burger for lunch tomorrow then go kate moss again for the rest of the week getting ready for disney world.
commentary:
Braves win. It's a 9.
(part twenty-seven)
kohi's going to close at:
9 (may drop to 8 if braves blow this lead.)
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
the weather for today's run was just devastating. all three runs this week were less than stellar. the common denominator was the heat. my mental make-up is taking a beating all the while, and i am now certain i will never run 5 consecutive miles again.
the good:
a lot today...
limbo started the day off nicely with a good conversation on the "rapture", the death, and the ever-present want for some security in "what comes next". i love limbo.
i ran. as disappointing as this week has been compared to last week, i will still say this. i have only been running four months. i am starting to look forward to running. as a result of me saying good things more often than bad, sarah responded in a HUGE way and purchased a gps watch for me so i don't have to carry my phone along with me. it's charged and ready for my run on tuesday. can't freaking wait!
came home and played outside with the girls. frustrating in moments, but a good way to spend an hour.
great night at home grilling out burgers for the first time in forever. my goodness, they were a wonderful, high calorie treat. i'll have a leftover burger for lunch tomorrow then go kate moss again for the rest of the week getting ready for disney world.
commentary:
Braves win. It's a 9.
happy index
(part twenty-six)
kohi closed last night at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
just another saturday evening at work preceded by another saturday morning where i spend way too much of my time worrying about leaving my family for just another saturday evening at work. it's really quite ridiculous. we had a decent morning. healthy enough breakfast. rocky training montage. time together. five full hours of it, which is every bit as much as we would have together on an evening after mommy and i get home from our usual day shifts. leaving everyone to close the store feels worse i suppose, so i don't allow myself to enjoy the time we have. in related news, i'm an idiot.
finished black swan before bed. in related news, i do not recommend watching black swan before bed.
the good:
came home to watch my boy, jordan schafer, lead off the twelfth inning with a crucial walk and ended up scoring the winning run on a chipper jones ground ball through the right side. braves move to 3-1 with jordan batting leadoff and making over the shoulder basket catches on the warning track. if they keep winning at a .750 clip over the next week and a half, nate mcclouth will officially be trade bait, proving there is, in fact, a god.
(part twenty-six)
kohi closed last night at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
just another saturday evening at work preceded by another saturday morning where i spend way too much of my time worrying about leaving my family for just another saturday evening at work. it's really quite ridiculous. we had a decent morning. healthy enough breakfast. rocky training montage. time together. five full hours of it, which is every bit as much as we would have together on an evening after mommy and i get home from our usual day shifts. leaving everyone to close the store feels worse i suppose, so i don't allow myself to enjoy the time we have. in related news, i'm an idiot.
finished black swan before bed. in related news, i do not recommend watching black swan before bed.
the good:
came home to watch my boy, jordan schafer, lead off the twelfth inning with a crucial walk and ended up scoring the winning run on a chipper jones ground ball through the right side. braves move to 3-1 with jordan batting leadoff and making over the shoulder basket catches on the warning track. if they keep winning at a .750 clip over the next week and a half, nate mcclouth will officially be trade bait, proving there is, in fact, a god.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
happy index
(part twenty-five)
kohi closed down last night at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
not much to report here, other than it was hot for the after-work run. i took off by myself for the first time in about ten days, and my motivation suffered from the jump. the heat sucked out the rest somewhere around the 3.75 mile mark, but i was proud of myself that after a couple of short walk intervals, i still got past 5 miles at right about a 10:00/mile pace. not great, but 669 calories burned is 669 calories burned, right?
braves bungled a game away.
the good:
work was productive and fast.
fajita friday was a great way to end the week, as always.
commentary:
some days are just, you know, ... nondescript. i've had several of those during the 25 day kohi experiment. i get that every day can't be disney world, or else you wouldn't really give a shit about disney world. sometimes, not having much to report is a good thing.
(part twenty-five)
kohi closed down last night at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
not much to report here, other than it was hot for the after-work run. i took off by myself for the first time in about ten days, and my motivation suffered from the jump. the heat sucked out the rest somewhere around the 3.75 mile mark, but i was proud of myself that after a couple of short walk intervals, i still got past 5 miles at right about a 10:00/mile pace. not great, but 669 calories burned is 669 calories burned, right?
braves bungled a game away.
the good:
work was productive and fast.
fajita friday was a great way to end the week, as always.
commentary:
some days are just, you know, ... nondescript. i've had several of those during the 25 day kohi experiment. i get that every day can't be disney world, or else you wouldn't really give a shit about disney world. sometimes, not having much to report is a good thing.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
happy index
(part twenty-three)
gonna close the kohi down at:
9
the ugly:
sarah keeps asking me why i include "the ugly" since nothing is ever placed in this category. i am just looking at it like very few things have happened that have even carried the potential to ruin my day. in and of itself, i appreciate leaving the door open and never having to walk through it.
the bad:
kate moss would be ashamed of my calorie intake today. not that she could do anything about it, her and her skinny ass.
the good:
got to sleep late. the caroline of rising every morning at 6:00 a.m. even slept an hour late. good for her and better for us!
girls were easy getting ready for school. drop-off a piece of cake.
headed to ihop for a big breakfast to start our day. heavy on the calories, but i knew a run was coming to help burn some of the fatty-fat away.
next stop, 280. we were going to stop in a maternity place in the summit, but it wasn't open, so we just headed over to target and spent money there. i got an arm strap for my new(est) ipod. hopefully, it'll help keep the sweat from killing this one.
we saw bridesmaids. dear christ, was it funny. gut-busting-ly funny in two or three different parts. kristin wiig is my new tina fey. i want to watch her do anything and say anything. gosh, ...so flipping hilarious.
came home and chilled for a little bit before heading out for my first run since sunday. made it past the 5 mile mark again. it was hot, but my legs felt pretty fresh after two days off. will probably take tomorrow off for the rain and hit the road again on friday.
ran home, cleaned up, and then met all the girls for a dinner and the brand spankin' new olive garden in trussville. as expected, it was a mad house, but they must have had 100 employees working and, for the most part, had their shit totally together. great way to end the anniversary. girls were really good, too, for the most part.
commentary:
may 25, 2011. a lot has changed in my and sarah's nine years of marriage. the obvious variables have been the children here now and the one on the way. but, it's way more than that. we reminisced some today about our early years. i remember us talking a lot more back then, but that's par for the course i am sure. we didn't know each other. we wanted to know each other, so we had close to fifty years worth of memories and experience to share with each other. fifty years is a lot of time and a lot of stories and a lot of foundation to build for a brand new-ish relationship, but even fifty years you eventually get through. once you do, you have to find something new to talk about. we are at the point now where we pretty much know everything there is to know about the other, so each day has its own routine's worth of catching up, making sure we aren't too pissed off at our jobs or each other, making sure the girls aren't beating the shit out of each other or driving one of us insane. we may go to soccer or to church or back to the church. i may go run. sarah may go lead a ncd group. soon, we'll be taking caroline to gymnastics or hannah to guitar lessons. it's always...something. there is less to talk about, on the whole, and more and more of our communication happens non-verbally. to be honest, syncing up with another person to the point of being able to read them across the room is pretty freaking neat. it may be a glance we share that acknowledges caroline is a goofball. a stare that we hold for just an extra beat because we know, if we don't, one of us is going to bitch-slap our seven year-old. catching each other's eye at softball or from across the sanctuary often tells us all we need to know about what comes next in the day. again, it's not something we had nine years ago. we've developed and linked in to each other's sixth sense over the course of our ten years together, and i imagine that superpower will only grow stronger.
today, there were many of those non-verbal moments. sharing a quick turn of the head to make sure it was okay that i was laughing as loud as i was at a raunchy chick-comedy was cool. her response was less, "yes, you can laugh at this." and more "i'm about to pee myself", but i took it to mean cool was the rule. over breakfast or dinner, i didn't have to ask her if she was enjoying her meal. it was written across her face every bit as clearly as if she'd said something out loud.
...
marriage is a bitch, man. i am so bad at it. mainly, because i am so bad at being patient and kind and generous and selfless and all those other things that a lady would look for in a man. when i said out loud on facebook today that sarah deserved better than me, it wasn't me being all "aww....there goes our good 'ole self-deprecating kevin again. he's cute like a bunny". it was me acknowledging that i've been beyond shitty to her and to our family more times than i would like to count. it was me saying i'm sorry without really saying it, because i am ashamed of what a douchebag i can be. it was me saying that she actually deserve(s) better.
in spite of all my crappiness and self-loathing and others-loathing and church-loathing, though, we've kind of made it work, even if i don't flower her with roses and pretend to be romantic. she seems to be okay with me wearing t-shirts and my shoes untied. i look past her annoying habit to call me like she sees me, and we move forward.
i still worry that i won't be around for another nine years, much less forty, but i hope i am. i truly hope i am. i want our next nine to be what the first nine could've been. better than average. good even. striving for great.
thanks for everything, sarah. i "luff"ed today.
lillian: "i just shit in the street."
(part twenty-three)
gonna close the kohi down at:
9
the ugly:
sarah keeps asking me why i include "the ugly" since nothing is ever placed in this category. i am just looking at it like very few things have happened that have even carried the potential to ruin my day. in and of itself, i appreciate leaving the door open and never having to walk through it.
the bad:
kate moss would be ashamed of my calorie intake today. not that she could do anything about it, her and her skinny ass.
the good:
got to sleep late. the caroline of rising every morning at 6:00 a.m. even slept an hour late. good for her and better for us!
girls were easy getting ready for school. drop-off a piece of cake.
headed to ihop for a big breakfast to start our day. heavy on the calories, but i knew a run was coming to help burn some of the fatty-fat away.
next stop, 280. we were going to stop in a maternity place in the summit, but it wasn't open, so we just headed over to target and spent money there. i got an arm strap for my new(est) ipod. hopefully, it'll help keep the sweat from killing this one.
we saw bridesmaids. dear christ, was it funny. gut-busting-ly funny in two or three different parts. kristin wiig is my new tina fey. i want to watch her do anything and say anything. gosh, ...so flipping hilarious.
came home and chilled for a little bit before heading out for my first run since sunday. made it past the 5 mile mark again. it was hot, but my legs felt pretty fresh after two days off. will probably take tomorrow off for the rain and hit the road again on friday.
ran home, cleaned up, and then met all the girls for a dinner and the brand spankin' new olive garden in trussville. as expected, it was a mad house, but they must have had 100 employees working and, for the most part, had their shit totally together. great way to end the anniversary. girls were really good, too, for the most part.
commentary:
may 25, 2011. a lot has changed in my and sarah's nine years of marriage. the obvious variables have been the children here now and the one on the way. but, it's way more than that. we reminisced some today about our early years. i remember us talking a lot more back then, but that's par for the course i am sure. we didn't know each other. we wanted to know each other, so we had close to fifty years worth of memories and experience to share with each other. fifty years is a lot of time and a lot of stories and a lot of foundation to build for a brand new-ish relationship, but even fifty years you eventually get through. once you do, you have to find something new to talk about. we are at the point now where we pretty much know everything there is to know about the other, so each day has its own routine's worth of catching up, making sure we aren't too pissed off at our jobs or each other, making sure the girls aren't beating the shit out of each other or driving one of us insane. we may go to soccer or to church or back to the church. i may go run. sarah may go lead a ncd group. soon, we'll be taking caroline to gymnastics or hannah to guitar lessons. it's always...something. there is less to talk about, on the whole, and more and more of our communication happens non-verbally. to be honest, syncing up with another person to the point of being able to read them across the room is pretty freaking neat. it may be a glance we share that acknowledges caroline is a goofball. a stare that we hold for just an extra beat because we know, if we don't, one of us is going to bitch-slap our seven year-old. catching each other's eye at softball or from across the sanctuary often tells us all we need to know about what comes next in the day. again, it's not something we had nine years ago. we've developed and linked in to each other's sixth sense over the course of our ten years together, and i imagine that superpower will only grow stronger.
today, there were many of those non-verbal moments. sharing a quick turn of the head to make sure it was okay that i was laughing as loud as i was at a raunchy chick-comedy was cool. her response was less, "yes, you can laugh at this." and more "i'm about to pee myself", but i took it to mean cool was the rule. over breakfast or dinner, i didn't have to ask her if she was enjoying her meal. it was written across her face every bit as clearly as if she'd said something out loud.
...
marriage is a bitch, man. i am so bad at it. mainly, because i am so bad at being patient and kind and generous and selfless and all those other things that a lady would look for in a man. when i said out loud on facebook today that sarah deserved better than me, it wasn't me being all "aww....there goes our good 'ole self-deprecating kevin again. he's cute like a bunny". it was me acknowledging that i've been beyond shitty to her and to our family more times than i would like to count. it was me saying i'm sorry without really saying it, because i am ashamed of what a douchebag i can be. it was me saying that she actually deserve(s) better.
in spite of all my crappiness and self-loathing and others-loathing and church-loathing, though, we've kind of made it work, even if i don't flower her with roses and pretend to be romantic. she seems to be okay with me wearing t-shirts and my shoes untied. i look past her annoying habit to call me like she sees me, and we move forward.
i still worry that i won't be around for another nine years, much less forty, but i hope i am. i truly hope i am. i want our next nine to be what the first nine could've been. better than average. good even. striving for great.
thanks for everything, sarah. i "luff"ed today.
lillian: "i just shit in the street."
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
happy index
(part twenty-two)
kohi closing tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
man. "you working on a tuesday? what happened?" "where's kathy?" "did you fire someone?" "your boss in town?" just a smattering of comments from customers, one delivery guy and a vendor rep that all noticed i was at the store when i am usually not. it will be another while before i make it back on a tuesday. probably another long while. all things considered, though, it wasn't that bad.
didn't do anything exercise-related today. no rocky training montage at home. no running. no softball. no nothing. on top of that, i ate a banana, a subway club, some chips, and a large mexican dinner. my stomach hurts because i stretched it. that's sad. "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". you are wise, kate moss. maybe the wisest. must burn major calories tomorrow.
the good:
hannah celebrated the end of her third soccer season tonight with her teammates and their families. it was nice. my first trip to munoz. food was "eh.", but i did leave with a mental picture of nasty on a ten speed road bike that made me chuckle.
jordan schafer got his first major league action in almost two years tonight and went 0-4. doesn't sound good, but he walked and scored on a double in the third because he's fast and leadoff hitters should be able to score from first on doubles. i hope he hits some, but, really, it was great to be able to watch him again. i felt proud, like i have some claim on him, which is ridiculous. he was also wearing number one. you are number one, jordan. tonight, you're number one in my heart.
commentary:
may 25th, 2002.
(part twenty-two)
kohi closing tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
man. "you working on a tuesday? what happened?" "where's kathy?" "did you fire someone?" "your boss in town?" just a smattering of comments from customers, one delivery guy and a vendor rep that all noticed i was at the store when i am usually not. it will be another while before i make it back on a tuesday. probably another long while. all things considered, though, it wasn't that bad.
didn't do anything exercise-related today. no rocky training montage at home. no running. no softball. no nothing. on top of that, i ate a banana, a subway club, some chips, and a large mexican dinner. my stomach hurts because i stretched it. that's sad. "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". you are wise, kate moss. maybe the wisest. must burn major calories tomorrow.
the good:
hannah celebrated the end of her third soccer season tonight with her teammates and their families. it was nice. my first trip to munoz. food was "eh.", but i did leave with a mental picture of nasty on a ten speed road bike that made me chuckle.
jordan schafer got his first major league action in almost two years tonight and went 0-4. doesn't sound good, but he walked and scored on a double in the third because he's fast and leadoff hitters should be able to score from first on doubles. i hope he hits some, but, really, it was great to be able to watch him again. i felt proud, like i have some claim on him, which is ridiculous. he was also wearing number one. you are number one, jordan. tonight, you're number one in my heart.
commentary:
may 25th, 2002.
happy index
(part twenty-one)
kohi closed down at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
weird feeling all day at work knowing that i would be working on a tuesday for the first time in i can't remember. mondays are always really busy, but the light at the end of the tunnel is softball/basketball during the evening and then an off day on tuesday. taking that away made monday feel a little bit more like a, well, monday.
lost for the second time this season to a team whose jerseys name them the lord's "diciples". we may suck, but at least we can spell...and proofread.
the good:
word was that caroline was a champ getting a couple of her baby molars "painted". i'll be sure to bring up how i've been alive for over 34 years without a cavity. she made it three. ha!!! take that, sucka.
we won our first softball game of our doubleheader, so that was good.
got word that my favorite brave off all time (for 2009), jordan schafer, was finally called back up to the bigs after nate mcclouth was put on the dl. i can't wait to see him play. CANNOT WAIT!!! and what if he played so lights out over the next two weeks that the braves couldn't help but trade mcclouth away or leave him in triple-a where his sorry ass belongs? what if, indeed.
commentary:
two weeks from this morning, we'll be in disney. oh-em-gee.
(part twenty-one)
kohi closed down at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
weird feeling all day at work knowing that i would be working on a tuesday for the first time in i can't remember. mondays are always really busy, but the light at the end of the tunnel is softball/basketball during the evening and then an off day on tuesday. taking that away made monday feel a little bit more like a, well, monday.
lost for the second time this season to a team whose jerseys name them the lord's "diciples". we may suck, but at least we can spell...and proofread.
the good:
word was that caroline was a champ getting a couple of her baby molars "painted". i'll be sure to bring up how i've been alive for over 34 years without a cavity. she made it three. ha!!! take that, sucka.
we won our first softball game of our doubleheader, so that was good.
got word that my favorite brave off all time (for 2009), jordan schafer, was finally called back up to the bigs after nate mcclouth was put on the dl. i can't wait to see him play. CANNOT WAIT!!! and what if he played so lights out over the next two weeks that the braves couldn't help but trade mcclouth away or leave him in triple-a where his sorry ass belongs? what if, indeed.
commentary:
two weeks from this morning, we'll be in disney. oh-em-gee.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
happy index
(part twenty)
shutting the kohi down at a rounded-up:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
worship meeting right smack in the middle of the day made it pretty difficult for the off day to feel long like i wished last night. i won't go so far as to say the meeting was a waste of time. it wasn't. sunday meetings that aren't scheduled for a time that hannah already has something going on are the absolute worst for my attitude. yuck.
ran during the evening hours for the first time since the running began. took off around 6:00 and felt pretty good. alas, a couple hiccups along the way and i didn't finish like i wanted to, coming short of five miles for the second consecutive run. guess i still have some work to do before 5 is established.
the braves are terrible again after teasing me earlier in the week. that, and heyward went on the dl. this move will make it easier on my stomach to watch the braves and manipulate my fantasy roster, but i don't think it's a good thing for the real-world team to now have to trust something called a joe mather every day. wherefore art thou, jordan schafer?
the good:
limbo was pretty terrific this morning. i don't know if we have ever been off stride, but with one week to go before the disney break, the quality of our conversations have been consistently top-notch over the last two months.
lunch with the family and friends was deliciously unhealthy. good thing i burned 574 calories off later in the day or i wouldn't be feeling very good about myself.
hannah got her new bike! i am really freaking proud of how quickly she learned to ride once she got it in her mind she was ready. this summer is going to be a lot more fun strictly due to her being able to ride.
(part twenty)
shutting the kohi down at a rounded-up:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
worship meeting right smack in the middle of the day made it pretty difficult for the off day to feel long like i wished last night. i won't go so far as to say the meeting was a waste of time. it wasn't. sunday meetings that aren't scheduled for a time that hannah already has something going on are the absolute worst for my attitude. yuck.
ran during the evening hours for the first time since the running began. took off around 6:00 and felt pretty good. alas, a couple hiccups along the way and i didn't finish like i wanted to, coming short of five miles for the second consecutive run. guess i still have some work to do before 5 is established.
the braves are terrible again after teasing me earlier in the week. that, and heyward went on the dl. this move will make it easier on my stomach to watch the braves and manipulate my fantasy roster, but i don't think it's a good thing for the real-world team to now have to trust something called a joe mather every day. wherefore art thou, jordan schafer?
the good:
limbo was pretty terrific this morning. i don't know if we have ever been off stride, but with one week to go before the disney break, the quality of our conversations have been consistently top-notch over the last two months.
lunch with the family and friends was deliciously unhealthy. good thing i burned 574 calories off later in the day or i wouldn't be feeling very good about myself.
hannah got her new bike! i am really freaking proud of how quickly she learned to ride once she got it in her mind she was ready. this summer is going to be a lot more fun strictly due to her being able to ride.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
happy index
(part nineteen)
closing down tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
felt like a really quick morning at home with the family this morning. always does when i am closing on saturdays, which is most saturdays. got a workout in and watched despicable me. after that, it was just about time to go.
work was work. two weeks 'til we leave for disney.
the good:
breakfast was nice this morning.
sarah went and replaced my week old ipod for me so i can use it tomorrow. that was nice. she tooks the girls, too, which i don't think was a great experience.
commentary:
ready for an off day tomorrow. hope it feels long.
(part nineteen)
closing down tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
felt like a really quick morning at home with the family this morning. always does when i am closing on saturdays, which is most saturdays. got a workout in and watched despicable me. after that, it was just about time to go.
work was work. two weeks 'til we leave for disney.
the good:
breakfast was nice this morning.
sarah went and replaced my week old ipod for me so i can use it tomorrow. that was nice. she tooks the girls, too, which i don't think was a great experience.
commentary:
ready for an off day tomorrow. hope it feels long.
Friday, May 20, 2011
happy index
(part eighteen)
kohi closing at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
week old ipod stopped working at the 3.5 mile mark on today's run. i am hoping this isn't an omen for my judgment day fate.
my car quit on sarah while hers was getting an oil change today. after getting mine jumped off, sarah took the tribute to the shop where the boys told her everything is fine. if anyone wants to open a betting pool on where, exactly, my ass is gonna get stranded in the next couple days, i'll throw in.
the good:
fajita friday.
commentary:
i hope the world doesn't end tomorrow. i'm not ready.
(part eighteen)
kohi closing at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
week old ipod stopped working at the 3.5 mile mark on today's run. i am hoping this isn't an omen for my judgment day fate.
my car quit on sarah while hers was getting an oil change today. after getting mine jumped off, sarah took the tribute to the shop where the boys told her everything is fine. if anyone wants to open a betting pool on where, exactly, my ass is gonna get stranded in the next couple days, i'll throw in.
the good:
fajita friday.
commentary:
i hope the world doesn't end tomorrow. i'm not ready.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
happy index
(part seventeen)
kohi closing at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
productive and, more importantly, fast day at work. disney-itis is setting in. that's what i am telling myself. i want to get away, but i don't want to just get away. i want to go to disney with my family and enjoy a week to ourselves and nothing but ourselves. so, how can i do best do that and not wish and waste away the three weeks between now and then?
reluctant but completed exercise at home.
a few minutes of bike riding with hannah and big-wheeling with caroline.
hamburger helper dinner with the family.
love wins.
commentary:
i so hope love wins.
(part seventeen)
kohi closing at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
productive and, more importantly, fast day at work. disney-itis is setting in. that's what i am telling myself. i want to get away, but i don't want to just get away. i want to go to disney with my family and enjoy a week to ourselves and nothing but ourselves. so, how can i do best do that and not wish and waste away the three weeks between now and then?
reluctant but completed exercise at home.
a few minutes of bike riding with hannah and big-wheeling with caroline.
hamburger helper dinner with the family.
love wins.
commentary:
i so hope love wins.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
happy index
(part sixteen)
tonight, kohi finally closes at:
5
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
backed up my first outdoor 5 mile run yesterday with another one this afternoon, this time all by myself. i am more proud of this one, since i was trying to talk myself into turning around as i closed in on the 2 mile mark.
commentary:
woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning for the first time since i started the kohi, and i just couldn't find my way back to the right side. the longer the day drifted on, i just wanted to get out of it or through it. every conversation felt just a little forced. every smile felt like a lie. people didn't ask me why i was having a shitty day, because i wouldn't tell them i was. what's the fun in that, right? people usually care about your mood about as much as they care about your fantasy football team. they don't, unless, somehow, it enhances their own happiness. my mood today wasn't going to enhance anyone, so i just kept it to myself and moved along. i didn't yell. i didn't act snappy. i was just the person it was going to be easiest for "you" to deal with. i am not promised tomorrow i hear, but i sure hope i get there anyway.
(part sixteen)
tonight, kohi finally closes at:
5
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
backed up my first outdoor 5 mile run yesterday with another one this afternoon, this time all by myself. i am more proud of this one, since i was trying to talk myself into turning around as i closed in on the 2 mile mark.
commentary:
woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning for the first time since i started the kohi, and i just couldn't find my way back to the right side. the longer the day drifted on, i just wanted to get out of it or through it. every conversation felt just a little forced. every smile felt like a lie. people didn't ask me why i was having a shitty day, because i wouldn't tell them i was. what's the fun in that, right? people usually care about your mood about as much as they care about your fantasy football team. they don't, unless, somehow, it enhances their own happiness. my mood today wasn't going to enhance anyone, so i just kept it to myself and moved along. i didn't yell. i didn't act snappy. i was just the person it was going to be easiest for "you" to deal with. i am not promised tomorrow i hear, but i sure hope i get there anyway.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
happy index
(part fifteen)
kohi will close tonight at:
9
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
shook off an early morning headache, no problem.
tallied a new outdoor best running, climbing over 5 miles (5.07) for the first time not at uab in just under 47 minutes (46:47). the current pain deep in my right calf doesn't annoy me as much as it reminds me of the accomplishment. i really can't believe it still, so i'll say it again. at the end of january into the beginning of february, i could not run a while without stopping to walk. today, i ran five. fuck. and me.
came home and wrote a long(-er) form blog, partially about finding good reasons not to be so pissed off at my church for her failings. thanks, kohi!
early dinner at buffalo wild wings that redeemed our last experience. it helped that we went super-early and didn't have to fight parties of twenty for our food. we'll take it!
came home again, sat down on the couch and finished the last hour of the bieber movie with the family. didn't cry this time.
put the girls to bed then zipped through 60 pages of love wins.
will retire upstairs to watch the second half of a basketball game that will not unnerve me or interrupt my dreamscape, no matter the victor.
commentary:
i am mentally marking this day for the third reason that i listed in the "good" column. it's a change in philosophy.
(part fifteen)
kohi will close tonight at:
9
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
n/a
the good:
shook off an early morning headache, no problem.
tallied a new outdoor best running, climbing over 5 miles (5.07) for the first time not at uab in just under 47 minutes (46:47). the current pain deep in my right calf doesn't annoy me as much as it reminds me of the accomplishment. i really can't believe it still, so i'll say it again. at the end of january into the beginning of february, i could not run a while without stopping to walk. today, i ran five. fuck. and me.
came home and wrote a long(-er) form blog, partially about finding good reasons not to be so pissed off at my church for her failings. thanks, kohi!
early dinner at buffalo wild wings that redeemed our last experience. it helped that we went super-early and didn't have to fight parties of twenty for our food. we'll take it!
came home again, sat down on the couch and finished the last hour of the bieber movie with the family. didn't cry this time.
put the girls to bed then zipped through 60 pages of love wins.
will retire upstairs to watch the second half of a basketball game that will not unnerve me or interrupt my dreamscape, no matter the victor.
commentary:
i am mentally marking this day for the third reason that i listed in the "good" column. it's a change in philosophy.
what will we do when there are no more fires to put out?
hispanics, cuss words, bishop-gate, OH MY! these are headlines to only a few storms that have driven their way through the humc congregation over the last several months and years. sharing space with a congregation with whom we had a hard time communicating ended predictably, with that congregation going somewhere else. blogs being disseminated to an unsoliciting and unaware group of people that were asked to care about how how i choose to voice my often asinine opinions ended with somewhat of a whimper. people either chose not to care or just stopped making eye contact with me. either way, nobody hurt. bishop-gate came and felt like a hurricane for a couple days, but it was really more like tornado warnings five years ago (back before doppler technology went and got real!!!) when the sirens went off and a whole county would freeze at one time, but really the storm was just passing through a cow pasture in the southwest corner of county-in-question and was never coming towards your home.
the most recent non-issue that we forced into being an issue came in the form of our wednesday night dinners. for the duration of my time served on our finance committee, we have known that one particular line item in our budget (food account) was off. depending on how late in the year we were looking at it, it seemed way off. speculative opinions were shared and worried over. "ms. ellen is buying too much food." "ms. ellen is making too much food." "ms. ellen is choosing the food that is too damn expensive." "people aren't coming because the food doesn't taste good." "someone needs to talk to ms. ellen." "should we discontinue our wednesday night dinners, because, obviously, this line item is telling us that the food service is a drain on our budget?"
except that it wasn't.
after much gnashing of teeth and huffing and puffing about what needed to happen in the kitchen or in between the kitchen and our church office, a wednesday night evaluation committee was force-forged in our administrative board meeting two months ago. the group would ask questions relevant to wednesday night dinners being offered to our congregation and, hopefully, provide some insight as to what our church wanted to do with those dinners moving forward. the list of questions was written and published in our weekly messenger and also sent out to the church's email list with the following request...if so moved, please take a few minutes of your time to answer these questions and help the evaluation committee come to a consensus on what is/isn't offered on wednesday nights in the form of dinner and programming. that's it.
the response was...underwhelming. 17 responses came back. the information culled from the responses, though, was valuable to a point.
what ended up being more valuable was something, admittedly, that should have happened a long time ago. for two months, the church made a point to collect actual data, not merely opinion. the data would include meals served, meals prepared, cost of goods, revenue generated from attendees, etc.
to many's surprise, after crunching all the numbers, it was discovered that the money spent on wednesday nights was not out of order at all. it was discovered that the amount of food prepared was a "planned surplus" to be used in the daycare the following day. it was discovered that the amount of money charged by the church for dinner was just about right. it was discovered that the cost of the food served on wednesday was consistently covered by those in attendance. finally, it was discovered that there was never any drain to speak of, only a minor accounting quirk that, honestly, should have been repaired before now. now that the representative church is aware that the "issue" is again a non-issue, maybe finance can find remedy for the error at our next meeting.
myth:
wednesday night dinners are a financial drain on the church. we need to offer programming that removes offering the service of dinner on wednesday from the equation.
myth. busted.
in an appropriate-for-us move, the argument, if you will, evolved, and another non-issue was cited as an issue. ms. ellen still isn't walking through that door in the fall! so programming (read: staff) needs to decide what we are going to offer on wednesday in the fall so we can decide what to do, goddammit!!!
and so, as one myth is busted, another is perpetuated, that our paid staff must decide for us, the church, what it is we should do.
ugh.
to me, this feels backward, but, then again, maybe i am alone.
my understanding of a healthy church would be one that, ideally, hired and paid staff to perform the ministries of their church they felt were important. unfortunately for our staff, we still don't really know what's important to us as a church, so we are left with asking our staff to figure it out for us.
does that really make any sense? shouldn't we be asking our staff to be creative within the realms of their current job description? grow their areas, come hell or high water? be rare? be relevant?
maybe.
or maybe not.
i don't know.
i am finding it harder and harder to work up a good piss-off about anything related to the church. if my little kohi experiment has proven anything to me, it's proven that i've got way too many good things (family, friends, limbo, work, running, fantasy baseball) going in my life to waste very much time being super-negative about anything.
i will say this, though. we are at an unfamiliar crossroads in the life of our church. the non-issues that we are choosing to activate as issues are becoming more and more trivial. in the grand scheme of things, we are at a place where we have two very defined choices.
do something.
or don't.
hispanics, cuss words, bishop-gate, OH MY! these are headlines to only a few storms that have driven their way through the humc congregation over the last several months and years. sharing space with a congregation with whom we had a hard time communicating ended predictably, with that congregation going somewhere else. blogs being disseminated to an unsoliciting and unaware group of people that were asked to care about how how i choose to voice my often asinine opinions ended with somewhat of a whimper. people either chose not to care or just stopped making eye contact with me. either way, nobody hurt. bishop-gate came and felt like a hurricane for a couple days, but it was really more like tornado warnings five years ago (back before doppler technology went and got real!!!) when the sirens went off and a whole county would freeze at one time, but really the storm was just passing through a cow pasture in the southwest corner of county-in-question and was never coming towards your home.
the most recent non-issue that we forced into being an issue came in the form of our wednesday night dinners. for the duration of my time served on our finance committee, we have known that one particular line item in our budget (food account) was off. depending on how late in the year we were looking at it, it seemed way off. speculative opinions were shared and worried over. "ms. ellen is buying too much food." "ms. ellen is making too much food." "ms. ellen is choosing the food that is too damn expensive." "people aren't coming because the food doesn't taste good." "someone needs to talk to ms. ellen." "should we discontinue our wednesday night dinners, because, obviously, this line item is telling us that the food service is a drain on our budget?"
except that it wasn't.
after much gnashing of teeth and huffing and puffing about what needed to happen in the kitchen or in between the kitchen and our church office, a wednesday night evaluation committee was force-forged in our administrative board meeting two months ago. the group would ask questions relevant to wednesday night dinners being offered to our congregation and, hopefully, provide some insight as to what our church wanted to do with those dinners moving forward. the list of questions was written and published in our weekly messenger and also sent out to the church's email list with the following request...if so moved, please take a few minutes of your time to answer these questions and help the evaluation committee come to a consensus on what is/isn't offered on wednesday nights in the form of dinner and programming. that's it.
the response was...underwhelming. 17 responses came back. the information culled from the responses, though, was valuable to a point.
what ended up being more valuable was something, admittedly, that should have happened a long time ago. for two months, the church made a point to collect actual data, not merely opinion. the data would include meals served, meals prepared, cost of goods, revenue generated from attendees, etc.
to many's surprise, after crunching all the numbers, it was discovered that the money spent on wednesday nights was not out of order at all. it was discovered that the amount of food prepared was a "planned surplus" to be used in the daycare the following day. it was discovered that the amount of money charged by the church for dinner was just about right. it was discovered that the cost of the food served on wednesday was consistently covered by those in attendance. finally, it was discovered that there was never any drain to speak of, only a minor accounting quirk that, honestly, should have been repaired before now. now that the representative church is aware that the "issue" is again a non-issue, maybe finance can find remedy for the error at our next meeting.
myth:
wednesday night dinners are a financial drain on the church. we need to offer programming that removes offering the service of dinner on wednesday from the equation.
myth. busted.
in an appropriate-for-us move, the argument, if you will, evolved, and another non-issue was cited as an issue. ms. ellen still isn't walking through that door in the fall! so programming (read: staff) needs to decide what we are going to offer on wednesday in the fall so we can decide what to do, goddammit!!!
and so, as one myth is busted, another is perpetuated, that our paid staff must decide for us, the church, what it is we should do.
ugh.
to me, this feels backward, but, then again, maybe i am alone.
my understanding of a healthy church would be one that, ideally, hired and paid staff to perform the ministries of their church they felt were important. unfortunately for our staff, we still don't really know what's important to us as a church, so we are left with asking our staff to figure it out for us.
does that really make any sense? shouldn't we be asking our staff to be creative within the realms of their current job description? grow their areas, come hell or high water? be rare? be relevant?
maybe.
or maybe not.
i don't know.
i am finding it harder and harder to work up a good piss-off about anything related to the church. if my little kohi experiment has proven anything to me, it's proven that i've got way too many good things (family, friends, limbo, work, running, fantasy baseball) going in my life to waste very much time being super-negative about anything.
i will say this, though. we are at an unfamiliar crossroads in the life of our church. the non-issues that we are choosing to activate as issues are becoming more and more trivial. in the grand scheme of things, we are at a place where we have two very defined choices.
do something.
or don't.
Monday, May 16, 2011
happy index
(part fourteen)
kohi closing tonight at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
lost another softball game.
the good:
waking up ten minutes later than thursday and friday of last week and hustling away to work to catch up from being off all weekend was incredibly energizing. knowing that i had to cram most of my day in before a conference call at 1:00 was motivating. getting everything done that i needed to was satisfying. a good day at work.
i don't know that i can articulate just how much more peaceful a mindset teaming up on the girls both in the morning and in the evening is. nothing hurried. no real pressure. still very glad that mommy is home.
braves win. five games above .500.
off day tomorrow.
(part fourteen)
kohi closing tonight at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
lost another softball game.
the good:
waking up ten minutes later than thursday and friday of last week and hustling away to work to catch up from being off all weekend was incredibly energizing. knowing that i had to cram most of my day in before a conference call at 1:00 was motivating. getting everything done that i needed to was satisfying. a good day at work.
i don't know that i can articulate just how much more peaceful a mindset teaming up on the girls both in the morning and in the evening is. nothing hurried. no real pressure. still very glad that mommy is home.
braves win. five games above .500.
off day tomorrow.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
happy index
(part thirteen)
tonight, the kohi closes at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
i'll speak more about this on tuesday, but our administrative board meeting saw one myth (finally) put to pasture at the same time another was perpetuated. that was too bad. #thatsoundslikeoneofthosevagueassfacebookstatusupdatesthatihate
the second hymn in the sanctuary this morning. what was that about?
walking into limbo this morning and the roof all leaking and shit.
chipper's hurt. who in the pool had 42 games?
the good:
girls were great one last time this morning without mommy. hannah slept with daddy last night. we all got up, to mcdonald's and to the church in plenty of time to clean up the flood.
braves beat halladay. what the what?
another super run this afternoon. i guess the recipe is 69 and cloudy, because friday and this afternoon made me wish i never had to stop running to do life.
mommy came home.
dinner at lonestar as a family for the first time in 5 nights. we had a good time together. caroline and hannah never stopped talking. the steak was "jesus christ!" incredible.
coming home and watching the first hour of bieber as a family, sarah and i both tearing up during "one less lonely girl" when the bieber team pulls girls out of the crowd to be googly-eyed up close and personal by jb. we don't know if it's the girls' trainwreck-y emotional reactions or just the idea of how incredibly world-changing that moment must be for those girls. pretty cool.
the great:
did i mention mommy came home? another trip in the books.
commentary:
daddy did what he do, son!
(part thirteen)
tonight, the kohi closes at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
i'll speak more about this on tuesday, but our administrative board meeting saw one myth (finally) put to pasture at the same time another was perpetuated. that was too bad. #thatsoundslikeoneofthosevagueassfacebookstatusupdatesthatihate
the second hymn in the sanctuary this morning. what was that about?
walking into limbo this morning and the roof all leaking and shit.
chipper's hurt. who in the pool had 42 games?
the good:
girls were great one last time this morning without mommy. hannah slept with daddy last night. we all got up, to mcdonald's and to the church in plenty of time to clean up the flood.
braves beat halladay. what the what?
another super run this afternoon. i guess the recipe is 69 and cloudy, because friday and this afternoon made me wish i never had to stop running to do life.
mommy came home.
dinner at lonestar as a family for the first time in 5 nights. we had a good time together. caroline and hannah never stopped talking. the steak was "jesus christ!" incredible.
coming home and watching the first hour of bieber as a family, sarah and i both tearing up during "one less lonely girl" when the bieber team pulls girls out of the crowd to be googly-eyed up close and personal by jb. we don't know if it's the girls' trainwreck-y emotional reactions or just the idea of how incredibly world-changing that moment must be for those girls. pretty cool.
the great:
did i mention mommy came home? another trip in the books.
commentary:
daddy did what he do, son!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
happy index
(part twelve)
the kohi will close tonight at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
full day three of being a single-dad was always going to feel the most heavy. soccer festival in the morning, off to lunch and hanging out for a bit at the church and then to a birthday party. in fact, it did feel heavy, but the day breezed by for the most part with only little to some whining from caroline, who went the entire day without more than a five minute car nap whilst in transit from the soccer fields to the church.
an off day that didn't feel like an off day. these days, these busy days that zoom by and feel like they get away from me without enough arbitrary "me-time" are always kind of hard to swallow. the girls were very sweet, though, most of the day.
the good:
as mentioned above, part of the day included taking hannah to kylie's birthday party. i don't know if i should be or feel ashamed, but this was the first birthday party i've ever taken her to with caroline in tow. as stressed as i was about it (i am not the most social creature you see), it went fine. clint being there to burn some of the time and playing rag ball with some of the kids made it almost fun. i know the girls had a good time, which, of course, was all that really matters.
the quality of my church car wash was what we thought it was, but so was the bbq! will probably buy a pound tomorrow for good measure.
hannah finished up her most successful soccer season yet, scoring in the the last of the four mini-games her team played this morning. it's fun to watch her start to grasp some of the concepts of the beautiful game. selfishly, i hope she sticks with it long enough to enjoy how much fun it could be when her body and skills catch up with her mind. i am very proud of you, hannah.
commentary:
i am exhausted. t-minus less than 18 hours 'til sarah is back home. we are all ready for her to be back.
(part twelve)
the kohi will close tonight at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
full day three of being a single-dad was always going to feel the most heavy. soccer festival in the morning, off to lunch and hanging out for a bit at the church and then to a birthday party. in fact, it did feel heavy, but the day breezed by for the most part with only little to some whining from caroline, who went the entire day without more than a five minute car nap whilst in transit from the soccer fields to the church.
an off day that didn't feel like an off day. these days, these busy days that zoom by and feel like they get away from me without enough arbitrary "me-time" are always kind of hard to swallow. the girls were very sweet, though, most of the day.
the good:
as mentioned above, part of the day included taking hannah to kylie's birthday party. i don't know if i should be or feel ashamed, but this was the first birthday party i've ever taken her to with caroline in tow. as stressed as i was about it (i am not the most social creature you see), it went fine. clint being there to burn some of the time and playing rag ball with some of the kids made it almost fun. i know the girls had a good time, which, of course, was all that really matters.
the quality of my church car wash was what we thought it was, but so was the bbq! will probably buy a pound tomorrow for good measure.
hannah finished up her most successful soccer season yet, scoring in the the last of the four mini-games her team played this morning. it's fun to watch her start to grasp some of the concepts of the beautiful game. selfishly, i hope she sticks with it long enough to enjoy how much fun it could be when her body and skills catch up with her mind. i am very proud of you, hannah.
commentary:
i am exhausted. t-minus less than 18 hours 'til sarah is back home. we are all ready for her to be back.
Friday, May 13, 2011
happy index
(part eleven)
tonight, the kohi is going to close at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
day two of being a single dad. i'll feel the full brunt of the single dad thing tomorrow, but, every time i do this, i have such an overwhelming sense of awe at what my mom did for me and my brother. granted, she was married to someone more often than she wasn't, but that doesn't count for shit when it comes to child-rearing. at least, it didn't in my house. my mom did everything. made sure we were taken care of as best she knew how. i appreciate that, even if i don't appreciate her as much as i should now. sarah is missed in many ways when she's gone, but the sheer thought of knowing your partner in crime is in town and around to help is so, so comforting.
good god, i hate to blog whine, but i don't know how long it's been since i suffered through a case of the "fridays" like i did today. i smelled the weekend when i got to the store this morning, and the day dragged out of spite.
the good:
the girls were great again this morning. no issues with getting ready or their respective drop-offs. like champs they were. like champs.
after a horrible run on tuesday and one worse than that wednesday, today was more like it. 4.66 consecutive miles in just over 46 minutes and i felt like i could have kept going. i didn't, though, because we had to get to...
fajita friday. tonight, amy and katie joined the girls and me for our meal of mexican proportions. good food. fun company. we could have stuck around and kept visiting, but we didn't because we had to get to...
best buy. why? to purchase justin bieber: never say never. we came home and watched about half the movie and i love jb even more than i already did. the kid just sweated talent before his mom and grandparents even knew what to call it. i love jb. love him. will be rooting for a musical career akin to justin timberlake. he's that good.
another good bedtime routine. caroline fell asleep to jb, so i got to carry her upstairs like a princess. a sweet end to a pretty sweet night.
(part eleven)
tonight, the kohi is going to close at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
day two of being a single dad. i'll feel the full brunt of the single dad thing tomorrow, but, every time i do this, i have such an overwhelming sense of awe at what my mom did for me and my brother. granted, she was married to someone more often than she wasn't, but that doesn't count for shit when it comes to child-rearing. at least, it didn't in my house. my mom did everything. made sure we were taken care of as best she knew how. i appreciate that, even if i don't appreciate her as much as i should now. sarah is missed in many ways when she's gone, but the sheer thought of knowing your partner in crime is in town and around to help is so, so comforting.
good god, i hate to blog whine, but i don't know how long it's been since i suffered through a case of the "fridays" like i did today. i smelled the weekend when i got to the store this morning, and the day dragged out of spite.
the good:
the girls were great again this morning. no issues with getting ready or their respective drop-offs. like champs they were. like champs.
after a horrible run on tuesday and one worse than that wednesday, today was more like it. 4.66 consecutive miles in just over 46 minutes and i felt like i could have kept going. i didn't, though, because we had to get to...
fajita friday. tonight, amy and katie joined the girls and me for our meal of mexican proportions. good food. fun company. we could have stuck around and kept visiting, but we didn't because we had to get to...
best buy. why? to purchase justin bieber: never say never. we came home and watched about half the movie and i love jb even more than i already did. the kid just sweated talent before his mom and grandparents even knew what to call it. i love jb. love him. will be rooting for a musical career akin to justin timberlake. he's that good.
another good bedtime routine. caroline fell asleep to jb, so i got to carry her upstairs like a princess. a sweet end to a pretty sweet night.
happy index
(part ten)
last night, the kohi closed at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
i am nothing if not a slave to most of my routines, and one of my routines is arriving at the store around 6:30 on the mornings i open. i love the head start i get on the day, close to two full hours of peace and productivity before my opening cashier arrives. with sarah being away and my being responsible for delivering the girls to school, i got to the store around 7:20. the first half of the day felt rushed as a result.
blogger being in read-only mode all night.
day one of being a single-dad.
the good:
the girls were just short of excellent this afternoon and evening. very little complaining while i worked out. a fun and easy trip to chick-fil-a for dinner. great in the bath. no tears at bedtime. massive improvement over last night.
just one more day of work before the weekend off with the girls. saturday and sunday are going to be chock-full of ... stuff, but i do like looking forward to two days away from what has felt like "the grind" for a few weeks.
braves walk-off on the same day as good news came back from heyward's mri.
twitter during a big time sporting event.
day one in the books.
(part ten)
last night, the kohi closed at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
i am nothing if not a slave to most of my routines, and one of my routines is arriving at the store around 6:30 on the mornings i open. i love the head start i get on the day, close to two full hours of peace and productivity before my opening cashier arrives. with sarah being away and my being responsible for delivering the girls to school, i got to the store around 7:20. the first half of the day felt rushed as a result.
blogger being in read-only mode all night.
day one of being a single-dad.
the good:
the girls were just short of excellent this afternoon and evening. very little complaining while i worked out. a fun and easy trip to chick-fil-a for dinner. great in the bath. no tears at bedtime. massive improvement over last night.
just one more day of work before the weekend off with the girls. saturday and sunday are going to be chock-full of ... stuff, but i do like looking forward to two days away from what has felt like "the grind" for a few weeks.
braves walk-off on the same day as good news came back from heyward's mri.
twitter during a big time sporting event.
day one in the books.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
happy index
(part nine)
the kohi will close tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
wow. i just thought yesterday's run sucked. well, today sucked even harder. the combination of the heat, the humidity and it being the back end of a back-to-back killed me. for the second consecutive day, too, i picked a flat course. it didn't matter. by the end of our close to four miles, i was done. d. o. n. e. done. i never want to run again ('til friday).
sarah's gone. tonight should've been the easiest of the four to get through. most of it was at church anyway. around bedtime, it hit caroline that mommy wouldn't be tucking her in, and she lost it. cried on the way to the potty. cried on the potty. almost drowned herself brushing her teeth because she was crying. cried through the bedtime story. cried herself to sleep. hannah made herself cry after she got off the phone with sarah. lotsa tears. sad, sad tears.
the good:
work was pretty good today. not the usual day after an off day hangover and the time went by fast enough. it's funny. i don't know that i could ever honestly tell you that i wasn't productive each day i am in the store. that's not how i roll. some days just get along faster than others. today got along.
a little less worrying.
the girls are in bed.
(part nine)
the kohi will close tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
wow. i just thought yesterday's run sucked. well, today sucked even harder. the combination of the heat, the humidity and it being the back end of a back-to-back killed me. for the second consecutive day, too, i picked a flat course. it didn't matter. by the end of our close to four miles, i was done. d. o. n. e. done. i never want to run again ('til friday).
sarah's gone. tonight should've been the easiest of the four to get through. most of it was at church anyway. around bedtime, it hit caroline that mommy wouldn't be tucking her in, and she lost it. cried on the way to the potty. cried on the potty. almost drowned herself brushing her teeth because she was crying. cried through the bedtime story. cried herself to sleep. hannah made herself cry after she got off the phone with sarah. lotsa tears. sad, sad tears.
the good:
work was pretty good today. not the usual day after an off day hangover and the time went by fast enough. it's funny. i don't know that i could ever honestly tell you that i wasn't productive each day i am in the store. that's not how i roll. some days just get along faster than others. today got along.
a little less worrying.
the girls are in bed.
happy index
(part eight)
last night, the kohi closed at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
more worrying.
as i wrote earlier in the day, i had my first "off day" running in two or three weeks. we went early to avoid the worst heat of the day, but, around the 3 mile mark, i was just out of gas. i struggled to get past my four mile mark. i hope today is better.
best buy didn't have manchester orchestra's or sloan's new cd's, both released yesterday. just one of the two would have been a nice pick me up from the shitty run.
tim hudson was terrible last night, and jason heyward was worse. heyward was actually pulled for an offensive replacement(!!!) last night and is now scheduled for an mri on his shoulder. similar to last year with his thumb, i would almost feel a little better if there was something physical going on that was making it difficult for him to perform. we'll see.
yesterday evening was sarah's last night in town for a while. as i am wont to do, i spent most of the night dreading her being gone and the time alone with the girls instead of trying to savor the time we actually had together.
the good:
lunch at dreamland with sarah. i had been craving dreamland for weeks. it was everything that i hoped it would be, outside of the troll-ish waitress that i always seem to get.
hannah's last regular season soccer game was last night. her team was a little out of sorts, but she played well for the most part and they gathered a win to nail down second place in the league. i hope she keeps playing.
(part eight)
last night, the kohi closed at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
more worrying.
as i wrote earlier in the day, i had my first "off day" running in two or three weeks. we went early to avoid the worst heat of the day, but, around the 3 mile mark, i was just out of gas. i struggled to get past my four mile mark. i hope today is better.
best buy didn't have manchester orchestra's or sloan's new cd's, both released yesterday. just one of the two would have been a nice pick me up from the shitty run.
tim hudson was terrible last night, and jason heyward was worse. heyward was actually pulled for an offensive replacement(!!!) last night and is now scheduled for an mri on his shoulder. similar to last year with his thumb, i would almost feel a little better if there was something physical going on that was making it difficult for him to perform. we'll see.
yesterday evening was sarah's last night in town for a while. as i am wont to do, i spent most of the night dreading her being gone and the time alone with the girls instead of trying to savor the time we actually had together.
the good:
lunch at dreamland with sarah. i had been craving dreamland for weeks. it was everything that i hoped it would be, outside of the troll-ish waitress that i always seem to get.
hannah's last regular season soccer game was last night. her team was a little out of sorts, but she played well for the most part and they gathered a win to nail down second place in the league. i hope she keeps playing.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
dreading doom
(happy index)
((intermission))
i have now been actively paying attention to and chronicling my happiness or lack thereof for a full week. after seven days, the kohi (kevin o'kelley happy index) is averaging a 6.85. not too bad. looking back at and reflecting on things, i haven't felt better-than-average happy. the week doesn't feel any more successful than that number. to be honest, it feels a little worse.
if i can draw any conclusions based on the current and small sample size, it is this. the negatives of my respective days, the "bad"s and the "ugly"s, if you will, are given greater weight in my nightly inventory than the "good"s. whatever arbitrary scale that i am using to post the final number at the end of the day is much harder to push up than it is to weigh down. in terms of measurable weight, that, of course, doesn't make any sense. but we aren't really talking about measurables. if i was an even-keeled person, a tick on the plus side would carry just as much influence as a tick on the minus side would. for the first week of the experiment, that hasn't been the case.
why?
truthfully, i think the explanation is really pretty easy for me to see. i don't know that i'm a "glass half-empty" guy. i think i am worse than that. i anticipate things are going to go poorly most of the time. thus, when things do go wrong or my bad thoughts cause me to feel off-kilter, in a sick sort of way, it feeds my sense of self-importance in that i was able to forecast the bad before it happened. on the other hand, my "good"s are more like unexpected christmas presents. i love them like i love chocolate ice cream, but because i can't convince myself that i willed them to happen, i probably didn't deserve them anyway and thus the joy of something like hannah riding her bike (a tremendous milestone in the development of her own self-confidence!) is fleeting, much like the chocolate ice cream. the same type of twisted logic can be applied to my running accomplishments. at the end of january, i couldn't run a mile without stopping. it took me three or four weeks to get there. but, when i did, did i celebrate? of course not. i just moped about not being able to run two miles. and then three. and then four. and now five. friday and sunday, i ran outdoors for over 4.5 miles on consecutive outings. did it feel good? sure it did, until today came and i felt completely wiped around the 3 mile mark and i had to stop running and walk for a couple minutes. automatically, my mind started working against me. what if the weekend runs were just a fluke? what if i haven't really established four miles at all? why do i suck at running?
it could be running. it could be my expectations of the girls. it could be the church. it could be my family or friends. it could be the store. if the kohi is telling me anything, it's telling me that i am fearing the worst and letting that fear dictate some of my actions during the day and many of my reactions to the events when looking at them in the rear-view mirror.
i don't know that i can call this a revelation. i think the people who know me would tell you i can be a cynic. that i can look for the foul in my fellow man and celebrate it when i find it. see! i told you!!! i told you he/she is worthless/incompetent/lazy/fat/etc. i told you!!!
i don't think i've always been this way, planting and harvesting my own misery all the time. i do think it's directly related to the cancer. i do think that, as far as i've come, i still have a long way to go with reconciling how much of a mindfuck that whole thing was and still is for me (don't tell me i don't have anything growing inside of me!!! i can feeeel it, man!). that shit took away some innocence, some passion, some empathy, some drive, and a whole lot of patience. and, goddammit, i hate it.
"the first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem."
the next seven days will be a good test for the kohi. sarah leaves for san diego for four full days tomorrow. i'll be single-dad-ing it, and i can do it one of two ways. i can wake up ten minutes earlier than the early-ass early i already wake up expecting the girls to be a disaster or i can wake up, get my mind right, and go out of my fucking way to make mommy not being here as painless as possible for the girls. the challenge will be to put the joy back into my own private mudville. stop dreading the days that i won't have and prepare the girls as best i can for the days they still do.
here's hoping the kohi will reflect the challenge as well-played.
i'll let "you" know.
(happy index)
((intermission))
i have now been actively paying attention to and chronicling my happiness or lack thereof for a full week. after seven days, the kohi (kevin o'kelley happy index) is averaging a 6.85. not too bad. looking back at and reflecting on things, i haven't felt better-than-average happy. the week doesn't feel any more successful than that number. to be honest, it feels a little worse.
if i can draw any conclusions based on the current and small sample size, it is this. the negatives of my respective days, the "bad"s and the "ugly"s, if you will, are given greater weight in my nightly inventory than the "good"s. whatever arbitrary scale that i am using to post the final number at the end of the day is much harder to push up than it is to weigh down. in terms of measurable weight, that, of course, doesn't make any sense. but we aren't really talking about measurables. if i was an even-keeled person, a tick on the plus side would carry just as much influence as a tick on the minus side would. for the first week of the experiment, that hasn't been the case.
why?
truthfully, i think the explanation is really pretty easy for me to see. i don't know that i'm a "glass half-empty" guy. i think i am worse than that. i anticipate things are going to go poorly most of the time. thus, when things do go wrong or my bad thoughts cause me to feel off-kilter, in a sick sort of way, it feeds my sense of self-importance in that i was able to forecast the bad before it happened. on the other hand, my "good"s are more like unexpected christmas presents. i love them like i love chocolate ice cream, but because i can't convince myself that i willed them to happen, i probably didn't deserve them anyway and thus the joy of something like hannah riding her bike (a tremendous milestone in the development of her own self-confidence!) is fleeting, much like the chocolate ice cream. the same type of twisted logic can be applied to my running accomplishments. at the end of january, i couldn't run a mile without stopping. it took me three or four weeks to get there. but, when i did, did i celebrate? of course not. i just moped about not being able to run two miles. and then three. and then four. and now five. friday and sunday, i ran outdoors for over 4.5 miles on consecutive outings. did it feel good? sure it did, until today came and i felt completely wiped around the 3 mile mark and i had to stop running and walk for a couple minutes. automatically, my mind started working against me. what if the weekend runs were just a fluke? what if i haven't really established four miles at all? why do i suck at running?
it could be running. it could be my expectations of the girls. it could be the church. it could be my family or friends. it could be the store. if the kohi is telling me anything, it's telling me that i am fearing the worst and letting that fear dictate some of my actions during the day and many of my reactions to the events when looking at them in the rear-view mirror.
i don't know that i can call this a revelation. i think the people who know me would tell you i can be a cynic. that i can look for the foul in my fellow man and celebrate it when i find it. see! i told you!!! i told you he/she is worthless/incompetent/lazy/fat/etc. i told you!!!
i don't think i've always been this way, planting and harvesting my own misery all the time. i do think it's directly related to the cancer. i do think that, as far as i've come, i still have a long way to go with reconciling how much of a mindfuck that whole thing was and still is for me (don't tell me i don't have anything growing inside of me!!! i can feeeel it, man!). that shit took away some innocence, some passion, some empathy, some drive, and a whole lot of patience. and, goddammit, i hate it.
"the first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem."
the next seven days will be a good test for the kohi. sarah leaves for san diego for four full days tomorrow. i'll be single-dad-ing it, and i can do it one of two ways. i can wake up ten minutes earlier than the early-ass early i already wake up expecting the girls to be a disaster or i can wake up, get my mind right, and go out of my fucking way to make mommy not being here as painless as possible for the girls. the challenge will be to put the joy back into my own private mudville. stop dreading the days that i won't have and prepare the girls as best i can for the days they still do.
here's hoping the kohi will reflect the challenge as well-played.
i'll let "you" know.
Monday, May 09, 2011
happy index
(part seven)
kohi closes tonight at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
just some worrying. god bless sarah. she is really trying to be patient with me. i think we both figured that my clean scan in january would buy me more than just over three month's worth of peaceful mind. the days aren't bad days, per se, like i used to have bad days, but they really dampen my overall mood. most strikingly, they dampen how much patience i have with the girls and how willing i am to make sure they are happy and well. i don't know what depression feels like, but these days have to be close. when you know, in theory, that you want to be happy and, also in theory, you can map out how to get there. somewhere, something deep inside your brain hamstrings you. you think bad thoughts. the bad thoughts take over. the bad thoughts win. you're fucked.
the good:
a normal and productive monday at work
a reluctant but productive home workout
hannah is ready for her new bike. i am so proud of her. the deal was if she could learn to ride on her current bike that's just a little too small for her, we would reward her with something newer, cooler, and less princess-y. she's ready. she can take off, stop, turn and react to traffic. good job, hannah. it was fun watching you do your thing this evening.
we actually won a softball game. in our first 4 games, we scored 8 runs. tonight, we scored 18. it is always fun to have an excuse to see my friends and play softball with them. the losing was getting to us, though. tonight was nice.
(part seven)
kohi closes tonight at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
just some worrying. god bless sarah. she is really trying to be patient with me. i think we both figured that my clean scan in january would buy me more than just over three month's worth of peaceful mind. the days aren't bad days, per se, like i used to have bad days, but they really dampen my overall mood. most strikingly, they dampen how much patience i have with the girls and how willing i am to make sure they are happy and well. i don't know what depression feels like, but these days have to be close. when you know, in theory, that you want to be happy and, also in theory, you can map out how to get there. somewhere, something deep inside your brain hamstrings you. you think bad thoughts. the bad thoughts take over. the bad thoughts win. you're fucked.
the good:
a normal and productive monday at work
a reluctant but productive home workout
hannah is ready for her new bike. i am so proud of her. the deal was if she could learn to ride on her current bike that's just a little too small for her, we would reward her with something newer, cooler, and less princess-y. she's ready. she can take off, stop, turn and react to traffic. good job, hannah. it was fun watching you do your thing this evening.
we actually won a softball game. in our first 4 games, we scored 8 runs. tonight, we scored 18. it is always fun to have an excuse to see my friends and play softball with them. the losing was getting to us, though. tonight was nice.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
happy index
(part six)
kohi closes tonight at:
9
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
i left for the church too early for whatever meltdown happened between the girls and sarah, but i know it was bad enough for sarah to send me this google chat, "my kohi is currently at 2". not a good way for mother's day to start. i think we helped her rebound from it, though. i hope so.
the good:
limbo is on a streak of really engaging conversations. this morning, we talked about our emotional response to the death of a figurehead and our emotional response to all the other emotional responses. it was good enough that we'll probably pick up where we left off next week. we don't do that much.
joseph showed up for the first time in many a week for limbo. he was received with something akin to a "norm!!!" from cheers greeting. limbo, where everybody knows your name.
lunch with joseph and marie and the girls was nice. we continued the conversation from limbo a little bit and enjoyed being together as a sextet for the first time in ages.
backed up my 4.5 mile run friday with another one this afternoon.
no evening activities (for some reason) meant i could lock up after the run and not drive back to the church tonight.
the great:
mother's day dinner at cajun steamer. really, we could not have asked the girls to be ANY better at dinner. they were wonderful. we ate outside per hannah's request. the girls sat on bar stools and ate their dinner together. for about 15 minutes, it almost felt like sarah and i were alone. we didn't really know what to do with the freedom, so we just ate our food before it got cold and didn't have any ketchup flung in our face. good, good times.
commentary:
church, television, sports. not one of three (i don't really consider limbo church. it's not deserving of the poor personal connotation) played any bearing on the kohi today, which is incredible and rare. for the first day in a long, long time, it felt like an off day, a day that we did a lot of things that we wanted to do. no pointless meetings. no wal-mart. just family and friends. goodness. i wish for more days like today.
(part six)
kohi closes tonight at:
9
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
i left for the church too early for whatever meltdown happened between the girls and sarah, but i know it was bad enough for sarah to send me this google chat, "my kohi is currently at 2". not a good way for mother's day to start. i think we helped her rebound from it, though. i hope so.
the good:
limbo is on a streak of really engaging conversations. this morning, we talked about our emotional response to the death of a figurehead and our emotional response to all the other emotional responses. it was good enough that we'll probably pick up where we left off next week. we don't do that much.
joseph showed up for the first time in many a week for limbo. he was received with something akin to a "norm!!!" from cheers greeting. limbo, where everybody knows your name.
lunch with joseph and marie and the girls was nice. we continued the conversation from limbo a little bit and enjoyed being together as a sextet for the first time in ages.
backed up my 4.5 mile run friday with another one this afternoon.
no evening activities (for some reason) meant i could lock up after the run and not drive back to the church tonight.
the great:
mother's day dinner at cajun steamer. really, we could not have asked the girls to be ANY better at dinner. they were wonderful. we ate outside per hannah's request. the girls sat on bar stools and ate their dinner together. for about 15 minutes, it almost felt like sarah and i were alone. we didn't really know what to do with the freedom, so we just ate our food before it got cold and didn't have any ketchup flung in our face. good, good times.
commentary:
church, television, sports. not one of three (i don't really consider limbo church. it's not deserving of the poor personal connotation) played any bearing on the kohi today, which is incredible and rare. for the first day in a long, long time, it felt like an off day, a day that we did a lot of things that we wanted to do. no pointless meetings. no wal-mart. just family and friends. goodness. i wish for more days like today.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
happy index
(part five)
the kohi will close tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
a lot of worrying today. gotta try and stop that or redirect my attention to something else. a customer came in late-ish to the store tonight and randomly started talking about having a positive mental attitude. he was all like, "tell me something...what always comes after the rain?" i responded with, "a bible verse?" i heard what he was trying to say. i just didn't want to play along. thanks for trying, though, black tony robbins. or guy that was going to give me his testimony, but i had to get back in the office to, you know, look for that...thing. that pretty much sums up the guts i had to get out of my hole today.
hannah's soccer team never really woke up and lost this morning. she didn't seem too beat up about it by the time she got her shaved ice and started rocking taylor swift on the waffle house jukebox. i need to teach her how to better dwell in the sadness of defeat.
speaking of sports...braves lose. lebron loses. so much for the debut of pitching phenom julio teheran. you don't deserve to be called julio. until he shows he belongs, i am going to call him bob. oh yeah, and heyward sucks ass right now.
the good:
closed out a record week in sales for my store. feels nice.
was nice to watch hannah play again after a couple weeks away.
beastie boys album is starting to take hold.
commentary:
i am anxious to see what kind of impact a day around the church will have on the kohi. i am so used to dreading everything other than limbo. tomorrow, i am going to try and keep as open a mind as i've had in, well, a long time.
(part five)
the kohi will close tonight at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
a lot of worrying today. gotta try and stop that or redirect my attention to something else. a customer came in late-ish to the store tonight and randomly started talking about having a positive mental attitude. he was all like, "tell me something...what always comes after the rain?" i responded with, "a bible verse?" i heard what he was trying to say. i just didn't want to play along. thanks for trying, though, black tony robbins. or guy that was going to give me his testimony, but i had to get back in the office to, you know, look for that...thing. that pretty much sums up the guts i had to get out of my hole today.
hannah's soccer team never really woke up and lost this morning. she didn't seem too beat up about it by the time she got her shaved ice and started rocking taylor swift on the waffle house jukebox. i need to teach her how to better dwell in the sadness of defeat.
speaking of sports...braves lose. lebron loses. so much for the debut of pitching phenom julio teheran. you don't deserve to be called julio. until he shows he belongs, i am going to call him bob. oh yeah, and heyward sucks ass right now.
the good:
closed out a record week in sales for my store. feels nice.
was nice to watch hannah play again after a couple weeks away.
beastie boys album is starting to take hold.
commentary:
i am anxious to see what kind of impact a day around the church will have on the kohi. i am so used to dreading everything other than limbo. tomorrow, i am going to try and keep as open a mind as i've had in, well, a long time.
happy index
(part four)
kohi closed at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
eh. work was long. productive again and we're on pace to to have a solid week. now, if i could only get jazzed again about being there.
the morning started off sloppy with the girls being super-whiny about whothehellknows. most mornings, and we feel lucky for this, the girls are really sweet and cooperative. caroline gets up and her happy index always starts at ten. hannah i think is more like me in that regard. i think she starts middle of the road and will need to be swayed one way or the other. yesterday morning, though, they both were ill, ill, ill. i don't know if they didn't sleep good or what, but damn. their collective attitudes just made me want to get out of the house and to work.
the good:
post-work run was really good. stretched out my outdoor distance to my longest yet at 4.5 miles in right at 45 minutes. pace wasn't great at all, but, for all the hills we did, it felt like a big accomplishment. 6 miles still sounds like it's a ways off. the crazy thing? it's not.
fajita friday was what is always is...the cure for what ails just about anything. the food, the jumbo margarita, the family and the feeling of having just burned 600 calories added up to a wonderful experience. i so love fajita fridays.
the braves have won six games in a row and heyward still isn't hitting. if he wakes up and becomes the hitter and obp machine that i think he will, the braves are going to win the wildcard. maybe even compete for the division. we'll see.
fringe. well, four months 'til another new fringe. last night showcased john noble at his finest and the cliffhanger ending was a pretty exciting set-up for the direction of the show next season. with my tv over for the year, it's time to get a book. enter love wins.
(part four)
kohi closed at:
8
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
eh. work was long. productive again and we're on pace to to have a solid week. now, if i could only get jazzed again about being there.
the morning started off sloppy with the girls being super-whiny about whothehellknows. most mornings, and we feel lucky for this, the girls are really sweet and cooperative. caroline gets up and her happy index always starts at ten. hannah i think is more like me in that regard. i think she starts middle of the road and will need to be swayed one way or the other. yesterday morning, though, they both were ill, ill, ill. i don't know if they didn't sleep good or what, but damn. their collective attitudes just made me want to get out of the house and to work.
the good:
post-work run was really good. stretched out my outdoor distance to my longest yet at 4.5 miles in right at 45 minutes. pace wasn't great at all, but, for all the hills we did, it felt like a big accomplishment. 6 miles still sounds like it's a ways off. the crazy thing? it's not.
fajita friday was what is always is...the cure for what ails just about anything. the food, the jumbo margarita, the family and the feeling of having just burned 600 calories added up to a wonderful experience. i so love fajita fridays.
the braves have won six games in a row and heyward still isn't hitting. if he wakes up and becomes the hitter and obp machine that i think he will, the braves are going to win the wildcard. maybe even compete for the division. we'll see.
fringe. well, four months 'til another new fringe. last night showcased john noble at his finest and the cliffhanger ending was a pretty exciting set-up for the direction of the show next season. with my tv over for the year, it's time to get a book. enter love wins.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
happy index
(part three)
kohi closes at:
5
the ugly:
buffalo wild wings. you know how, when you're really hungry, everything sounds good and nothing sounds good all at the same time? you have five to six quality choices between the soccer field and home but you can't pick just one? well, we picked...wrong. our last three bww experiences had been above average (mind you, their average is probably a heyward-esque .235). tonight, they went 0-4. food was "fine". it was what we thought it was. the wait and the drama and the more wait completely shat on the experience. shat upon, i tell you!
the bad:
work. man, i am so burned out. who am i to complain, though, right? at least i have a job. a super, super job. i really like my job, in theory. i do. maybe i need a vacation. or a new attitude. work was "fine". we were busy. i was productive. i just left feeling like i was going home from a lock-in.
it's hot in our bedroom. we need a new fan. one that doesn't make fucked up noises at 3 in the morning and one that we can turn up higher than the low setting without worrying about it falling from the ceiling and killing us in our not-sleep.
did i mention buffalo wild wings? god, i hate that place. why did we go there?
didn't run. didn't exercise. i feel fat.
started worrying a little this afternoon.
the good:
i woke up today feeling good.
my tangelo was good.
caroline laid in my lap and was sweet while we were waiting on top of waiting at bww.
hannah asked me what "that bad man that we shot and put in the ocean" did for us to do that to him. maybe i'll just invite her to limbo this week.
the kitchen smells like brownies at bedtime.
(part three)
kohi closes at:
5
the ugly:
buffalo wild wings. you know how, when you're really hungry, everything sounds good and nothing sounds good all at the same time? you have five to six quality choices between the soccer field and home but you can't pick just one? well, we picked...wrong. our last three bww experiences had been above average (mind you, their average is probably a heyward-esque .235). tonight, they went 0-4. food was "fine". it was what we thought it was. the wait and the drama and the more wait completely shat on the experience. shat upon, i tell you!
the bad:
work. man, i am so burned out. who am i to complain, though, right? at least i have a job. a super, super job. i really like my job, in theory. i do. maybe i need a vacation. or a new attitude. work was "fine". we were busy. i was productive. i just left feeling like i was going home from a lock-in.
it's hot in our bedroom. we need a new fan. one that doesn't make fucked up noises at 3 in the morning and one that we can turn up higher than the low setting without worrying about it falling from the ceiling and killing us in our not-sleep.
did i mention buffalo wild wings? god, i hate that place. why did we go there?
didn't run. didn't exercise. i feel fat.
started worrying a little this afternoon.
the good:
i woke up today feeling good.
my tangelo was good.
caroline laid in my lap and was sweet while we were waiting on top of waiting at bww.
hannah asked me what "that bad man that we shot and put in the ocean" did for us to do that to him. maybe i'll just invite her to limbo this week.
the kitchen smells like brownies at bedtime.
happy index
(part two)
tuesday night, the kohi (kevin o'kelley happy index) closed at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
left hannah's backpack in my car, throwing the girls morning schedule into disarray.
tough day to get into a flow at work. wednesdays are always a little rough coming off my off day, and the idea of running on wednesday afternoon is somewhat daunting, given that tuesday-wednesday is my only back to back running days of the week.
developed a blister on a piece of skin that had just blistered over the weekend. it hurt.
the good:
braves win both games of their doubleheader and are two games above .500
my fantasy pitching staff went off.
watching caroline play with the mighty noah at church dinner was really quite amazing.
hannah wanting to ride home with me even though i was trying to talk her out of it.
the lakers lost...again.
ran 4.30 miles in 40:03 on a very flat course in huffman. the 9:19 per mile pace was my best outside pace yet.
the great:
ms. ellen's fried chicken for possibly the last time on a wednesday night. it's really quite sad that wednesday nights as i know it seem to be hustling toward an end, but, boy, i've really enjoyed it for a long time. thank you, ms. ellen.
a commentary:
in reference to chris golden's comment on the first kohi, i really like the perspective of each of his days starting at a 10, but i am not sure i am in that place. i think most of my days start at a 5, the needle moving up or down given the circumstances that surround each day. we'll see how that evolves.
(part two)
tuesday night, the kohi (kevin o'kelley happy index) closed at:
6
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
left hannah's backpack in my car, throwing the girls morning schedule into disarray.
tough day to get into a flow at work. wednesdays are always a little rough coming off my off day, and the idea of running on wednesday afternoon is somewhat daunting, given that tuesday-wednesday is my only back to back running days of the week.
developed a blister on a piece of skin that had just blistered over the weekend. it hurt.
the good:
braves win both games of their doubleheader and are two games above .500
my fantasy pitching staff went off.
watching caroline play with the mighty noah at church dinner was really quite amazing.
hannah wanting to ride home with me even though i was trying to talk her out of it.
the lakers lost...again.
ran 4.30 miles in 40:03 on a very flat course in huffman. the 9:19 per mile pace was my best outside pace yet.
the great:
ms. ellen's fried chicken for possibly the last time on a wednesday night. it's really quite sad that wednesday nights as i know it seem to be hustling toward an end, but, boy, i've really enjoyed it for a long time. thank you, ms. ellen.
a commentary:
in reference to chris golden's comment on the first kohi, i really like the perspective of each of his days starting at a 10, but i am not sure i am in that place. i think most of my days start at a 5, the needle moving up or down given the circumstances that surround each day. we'll see how that evolves.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
(happy index)
(part one)
today was a good day to set a baseline for this little experiment. as noted in today's earlier post, there was a moment where i would have told you i was around a 3, but the day rebounded nicely.
the kevin o'kelley happy index (kohi) will close tonight at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
you know, the whole "late" thing
the good:
another five mile run
my first under eight minute mile (coming on my fifth mile of the day)
blog created and published
happy dinner with a happy family
sprc meeting where no one had to raise their voice.
fin.
(part one)
today was a good day to set a baseline for this little experiment. as noted in today's earlier post, there was a moment where i would have told you i was around a 3, but the day rebounded nicely.
the kevin o'kelley happy index (kohi) will close tonight at:
7
the ugly:
n/a
the bad:
you know, the whole "late" thing
the good:
another five mile run
my first under eight minute mile (coming on my fifth mile of the day)
blog created and published
happy dinner with a happy family
sprc meeting where no one had to raise their voice.
fin.
happiness is hard
(hannah and caroline and the little kumquat and me)
((part three))
on espn radio this morning, colin cowherd cited a 9 year-old study on happiness done by a phd at a chicago university (sorry...i am too lazy to look for something to cite. i am just going to trust that cowherd wasn't making it up.). the study was simple to execute. it went like this. ten couples were randomly selected for a week-long trip to the beach on the university in question's dime. the only catch was this. the phd would place a short phone call to the man and woman of each couple once every waking hour. each hour over the course of the 12 hour period, each participant would rank their happiness on a scale of 1-10. that's it. outside of that one factor, the couples were told to enjoy themselves as best they could. once the vacation ended, the phd allowed three months to pass. he then asked all ten couples to come in, one couple by one, for a one hour evaluation of their experience. as part of the sit down, each participant was asked to rank their happiness for the entire week. to a couple and to a (wo)man, the ranking of the week on the whole was significantly higher than each person's respective average over the course of the 84 phone calls during the actual vacation. the phd concluded what he already suspected, that we, as humans are good at revisioning history and even better at pushing uncomfortable things in our past to the back of our minds so that positive experiences have more room in the front.
after his story, cowherd used the anecdote as a way of bringing up michael jordan and the myth of his awesomeness. if anyone talks about jordan these days, it's all hyperbole. "greatest ever". "never missed a clutch shot." "dunked once over jesus." that kind of stuff. gone from our collective consciousness are all the stinker games he played. all of the last second shots that he took that clanked off and away from the rim sending the bulls into the tunnel hanging their heads in defeat. all of the first six or seven years of his career when he could barely get out of the first round.
such is sports. if lebron can carry the heat to a title this year, looking back twenty years from now, you'll be led to believe that his career started with the 2010-11 season. his struggles and growth will be forgotten, because struggles and growth only make for good stories in the olympics.
such is life, especially when it comes to happiness. oh, happy day. is there a more relative qualifier than the word "happy"? some things that currently make me happy like facebook and twitter and fantasy baseball probably make others roll their eyes or recoil. some things that makes others happy like cooking or doing yardwork or searching for pictures of osama bin laden's shot up face online kinda make my stomach turn over. in life, in our life, though, we know happy when we see it. and we know happy when we feel it. it's no surprise to me to think that our chicago phd called one of his group right after they realized they stayed in the sun for three hours too long and they gave that hour a 2 on their scale because they were burned to hell. what is ever surprising and always disappointing is that we, and by we i mean i, can't interject some perspective into any given moment to realize and own that there are often many, many more reasons for us to be happy versus sad/mad/frustrated.
when i think ahead to my family's disney vacation that is just over a month away, i want to keep colin cowherd's anecdote in the front of my mind. will there be frustrations along the way and during the week? i am sure there will be, several in fact. but, what would happen if i could condition myself with the idea that, no matter what, this will be the BEST. VACATION. EVER beforehand and let that idea vaccinate all my negative thoughts with something akin to a preemptive strike?
my wife and friends know that i can be a fickle little baby. just today, i was totally pissed that amy and katie showed up to uab to run 10 minutes later than we planned. TEN MINUTES. that's it! but i let it ruin the next half hour and i ran with a chip on my shoulder the whole time. never mind that i ran my fifth, yes FIFTH mile in under 8 minutes, which i am pretty sure is the first time i've ran a mile in less than 8 minutes since i started this madness three months ago. never mind that i've lost over 25 pounds and am probably in the best shape of my life at 34. never mind all of that shit. they were TEN MINUTES late. i am such an asshole.
the point is this. i want to get better. and i need to get better. if not for me, for my family and the little kumquat that deserves a father that is at least the same amount of sane as hannah and caroline have had thus far.
i want to be able to own that, goddammit, i should be and AM happy most of the time. why wouldn't i be?
i am challenging myself now. every day for the rest of the month of may, i will log here or write down to log later how i would rank each day in terms of my own personal happiness. the notes will be short and sweet. we'll see if conducting my own personal trial helps my own personal effort to not be such a whiny bitch all of the time.
note: having said all of this, i fully expect caroline to tangle a sucker in her hair on the way home just to test my ass.
(hannah and caroline and the little kumquat and me)
((part three))
on espn radio this morning, colin cowherd cited a 9 year-old study on happiness done by a phd at a chicago university (sorry...i am too lazy to look for something to cite. i am just going to trust that cowherd wasn't making it up.). the study was simple to execute. it went like this. ten couples were randomly selected for a week-long trip to the beach on the university in question's dime. the only catch was this. the phd would place a short phone call to the man and woman of each couple once every waking hour. each hour over the course of the 12 hour period, each participant would rank their happiness on a scale of 1-10. that's it. outside of that one factor, the couples were told to enjoy themselves as best they could. once the vacation ended, the phd allowed three months to pass. he then asked all ten couples to come in, one couple by one, for a one hour evaluation of their experience. as part of the sit down, each participant was asked to rank their happiness for the entire week. to a couple and to a (wo)man, the ranking of the week on the whole was significantly higher than each person's respective average over the course of the 84 phone calls during the actual vacation. the phd concluded what he already suspected, that we, as humans are good at revisioning history and even better at pushing uncomfortable things in our past to the back of our minds so that positive experiences have more room in the front.
after his story, cowherd used the anecdote as a way of bringing up michael jordan and the myth of his awesomeness. if anyone talks about jordan these days, it's all hyperbole. "greatest ever". "never missed a clutch shot." "dunked once over jesus." that kind of stuff. gone from our collective consciousness are all the stinker games he played. all of the last second shots that he took that clanked off and away from the rim sending the bulls into the tunnel hanging their heads in defeat. all of the first six or seven years of his career when he could barely get out of the first round.
such is sports. if lebron can carry the heat to a title this year, looking back twenty years from now, you'll be led to believe that his career started with the 2010-11 season. his struggles and growth will be forgotten, because struggles and growth only make for good stories in the olympics.
such is life, especially when it comes to happiness. oh, happy day. is there a more relative qualifier than the word "happy"? some things that currently make me happy like facebook and twitter and fantasy baseball probably make others roll their eyes or recoil. some things that makes others happy like cooking or doing yardwork or searching for pictures of osama bin laden's shot up face online kinda make my stomach turn over. in life, in our life, though, we know happy when we see it. and we know happy when we feel it. it's no surprise to me to think that our chicago phd called one of his group right after they realized they stayed in the sun for three hours too long and they gave that hour a 2 on their scale because they were burned to hell. what is ever surprising and always disappointing is that we, and by we i mean i, can't interject some perspective into any given moment to realize and own that there are often many, many more reasons for us to be happy versus sad/mad/frustrated.
when i think ahead to my family's disney vacation that is just over a month away, i want to keep colin cowherd's anecdote in the front of my mind. will there be frustrations along the way and during the week? i am sure there will be, several in fact. but, what would happen if i could condition myself with the idea that, no matter what, this will be the BEST. VACATION. EVER beforehand and let that idea vaccinate all my negative thoughts with something akin to a preemptive strike?
my wife and friends know that i can be a fickle little baby. just today, i was totally pissed that amy and katie showed up to uab to run 10 minutes later than we planned. TEN MINUTES. that's it! but i let it ruin the next half hour and i ran with a chip on my shoulder the whole time. never mind that i ran my fifth, yes FIFTH mile in under 8 minutes, which i am pretty sure is the first time i've ran a mile in less than 8 minutes since i started this madness three months ago. never mind that i've lost over 25 pounds and am probably in the best shape of my life at 34. never mind all of that shit. they were TEN MINUTES late. i am such an asshole.
the point is this. i want to get better. and i need to get better. if not for me, for my family and the little kumquat that deserves a father that is at least the same amount of sane as hannah and caroline have had thus far.
i want to be able to own that, goddammit, i should be and AM happy most of the time. why wouldn't i be?
i am challenging myself now. every day for the rest of the month of may, i will log here or write down to log later how i would rank each day in terms of my own personal happiness. the notes will be short and sweet. we'll see if conducting my own personal trial helps my own personal effort to not be such a whiny bitch all of the time.
note: having said all of this, i fully expect caroline to tangle a sucker in her hair on the way home just to test my ass.
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