dreading doom
(happy index)
((intermission))


i have now been actively paying attention to and chronicling my happiness or lack thereof for a full week. after seven days, the kohi (kevin o'kelley happy index) is averaging a 6.85. not too bad. looking back at and reflecting on things, i haven't felt better-than-average happy. the week doesn't feel any more successful than that number. to be honest, it feels a little worse.

if i can draw any conclusions based on the current and small sample size, it is this. the negatives of my respective days, the "bad"s and the "ugly"s, if you will, are given greater weight in my nightly inventory than the "good"s. whatever arbitrary scale that i am using to post the final number at the end of the day is much harder to push up than it is to weigh down. in terms of measurable weight, that, of course, doesn't make any sense. but we aren't really talking about measurables. if i was an even-keeled person, a tick on the plus side would carry just as much influence as a tick on the minus side would. for the first week of the experiment, that hasn't been the case.

why?

truthfully, i think the explanation is really pretty easy for me to see. i don't know that i'm a "glass half-empty" guy. i think i am worse than that. i anticipate things are going to go poorly most of the time. thus, when things do go wrong or my bad thoughts cause me to feel off-kilter, in a sick sort of way, it feeds my sense of self-importance in that i was able to forecast the bad before it happened. on the other hand, my "good"s are more like unexpected christmas presents. i love them like i love chocolate ice cream, but because i can't convince myself that i willed them to happen, i probably didn't deserve them anyway and thus the joy of something like hannah riding her bike (a tremendous milestone in the development of her own self-confidence!) is fleeting, much like the chocolate ice cream. the same type of twisted logic can be applied to my running accomplishments. at the end of january, i couldn't run a mile without stopping. it took me three or four weeks to get there. but, when i did, did i celebrate? of course not. i just moped about not being able to run two miles. and then three. and then four. and now five. friday and sunday, i ran outdoors for over 4.5 miles on consecutive outings. did it feel good? sure it did, until today came and i felt completely wiped around the 3 mile mark and i had to stop running and walk for a couple minutes. automatically, my mind started working against me. what if the weekend runs were just a fluke? what if i haven't really established four miles at all? why do i suck at running?

it could be running. it could be my expectations of the girls. it could be the church. it could be my family or friends. it could be the store. if the kohi is telling me anything, it's telling me that i am fearing the worst and letting that fear dictate some of my actions during the day and many of my reactions to the events when looking at them in the rear-view mirror.

i don't know that i can call this a revelation. i think the people who know me would tell you i can be a cynic. that i can look for the foul in my fellow man and celebrate it when i find it. see! i told you!!! i told you he/she is worthless/incompetent/lazy/fat/etc. i told you!!!

i don't think i've always been this way, planting and harvesting my own misery all the time. i do think it's directly related to the cancer. i do think that, as far as i've come, i still have a long way to go with reconciling  how much of a mindfuck that whole thing was and still is for me (don't tell me i don't have anything growing inside of me!!! i can feeeel it, man!). that shit took away some innocence, some passion, some empathy, some drive, and a whole lot of patience. and, goddammit, i hate it.

"the first step to solving a problem is admitting there is a problem."

the next seven days will be a good test for the kohi. sarah leaves for san diego for four full days tomorrow. i'll be single-dad-ing it, and i can do it one of two ways. i can wake up ten minutes earlier than the early-ass early i already wake up expecting the girls to be a disaster or i can wake up, get my mind right, and go out of my fucking way to make mommy not being here as painless as possible for the girls. the challenge will be to put the joy back into my own private mudville. stop dreading the days that i won't have and prepare the girls as best i can for the days they still do.

here's hoping the kohi will reflect the challenge as well-played.

i'll let "you" know.