a little sick


with my new year's resolution out of the way, i am trying to find something new to tackle. nothing's gnawing at me at the moment, though, other than how much it sucks to be sick. granted, i am preaching to the choir. everyone gets sick. but i am an incredible baby when i am sick. being in huntsville with no one to hear me moan and groan sucks too. no one can really do anything for you when you're sick, but doesn't it feel so much better to have someone to whine to? whining over the phone is just annoying. whining, period, is annoying i guess. alas, i will take my dayquil and suck it up and hope that it doesn't last too long.

i am looking forward to this weekend. i'll be home friday night and then have my first three day weekend in quite some time (not including when i was job searching). i am not so excited about watching alabama lose on monday, but they will anyway.

i'll watch another couple episodes tonight of lost, season one. what a good show. my goal is to try and finish season one by the time season two gets back into gear. i don't know if i am going to make it, but i am going to try.

that this post has no point is driving me crazy, so i'll stop. i do think i am going to try out a little creative writing here. it's been a long time since i've done any. i have some ideas, though. we'll see.

night-night, hannah. i love you.

"nighnight, daddy...i wuf you."

a very bearvsshark christmas
hannah and me (part four)

i mentioned in my last post the passing of what was my favorite band, bearvsshark. the loss still stings a little bit. i love counting the months/days down 'til one of my favorite bands will release their next record, and i hate that i won't be able to do that with bearvsshark again, but that's ok. there are plenty of other bands in the sea (half-pun intended), and i'll move on. bearvsshark's label released several eulogies from staff people and folks that were around the band and one of the laments stood out to me as very appropriate and timely. this is just a paraphrase, but one of the comments was something like, "...played every show as is they had something to prove." i thought this hit the nail on the head. there was an urgency to their music and most definitely to their live show that i was lucky enough to see once. you could feel it. it was palpable. whether or not this feeling of having something to prove was an actual motivation is a question that only the band could answer, but it got me thinking...

christmas is over. it's december 26th. christmas day was extremely busy and hectic with the exception of about an hour and a half. we seemed to be running about a half-hour late all day, but it was never too bad. hannah's first real "santa" experience was wonderful. from her kitchen to her vacuum to her baby to all the other stuff, i think she was pleased. her parents were. her birthday party was great (thanks, jennifer). the rest of the day had it's highs and lows, but no real valley lows, so that was good. any sorts of lows could be atrributed to everyone being busy or feeling busy or feeling stretched a little too far. no real worries, though. dressing was served. so were sweet potatoes with marshmellows. what a surprise. what a present (one of the best of the day). i think next christmas may be a little less busy with new "traditions" taking the place of old and uncomfortable ones. i hope so, anyway. one day removed and one day into the reflection, it was a good day. a real good day...

it's december 26th, and the church that i am working for took a really hard blow today. not a killshot, but an uprotected left hook to the body at the very least. i feel bad for chris. it's his second of these. who knows what it will mean for common ground. who knows what it will mean for me. it will mean something, but i'll figure it out in time. my take? here where i push the buttons, i think the person is chickenshit and a hypocrite and is hiding behind her daughter. judgemental? yep. i don't even know the person and their personal life is more stressful than i would ever want to know. but that's ok. if you can't be honest, you can at least be dishonest. maybe more on this later...

christmas and the bad news and bearvsshark got me thinking. what should my new year's resolution be. the one that i will fail at time after time, but that i will try and make my theme for this coming year and the ones after that. i think it will be that i would like to live every day like i have something to prove. prove that i am the best father for hannah. the best husband. the best manager at coldstone (for as long as that lasts). the best part of common ground (the same). the best friend. the best example of jesus that someone may see on a given day. the bar will be high, and i will not jump high enough on some days. but this, one week early, is my resolution. my goal. my want.

my prayer.

soundtrack 2005 - my year in music


i am in no way qualified to be a music critic, but then again, who really is? it's that time of year when "best of" lists come out for any and everything, but every list is subject to each publication's, webzine's or person's unique taste. this year, i bought less music than i have in the last several. i don't know if i branched out much. my list isn't very inclusive. i won't try and encourage those that read this that your life will be worse off if you don't have these cd's in your collection, rather i will just be thankful that these bands/people have provided the background noise for the most topsy-turvy year of my life. reflecting back on the soundtrack of my 2005, these are the records that garnered the most playing time (along with some other random thoughts accompanying them):


(Ten) - Death Cab for Cutie - Plans - Andy's encouraged me into this band (you will note this recurring theme) for a while now, but it wasn't 'til Plans that I gave them a fair shot. The music is quite soothing and soft without being too soothing or soft, and the melodies will get stuck in your head for days. I have to be in the mood for this, but this year I was in the mood for it early and often. Still am. If I can only get it back from Sarah...

(Nine) - Coheed and Cambria - Goodnight Apollo...(blah, blah, blah) - You know how you go to some movies for the escape of it all? Just for the experience? And you really like the movie? But then you hear a lot of people talking shit about the movie because it isn't Citizen Kane or because they think it's lame? The same kind of thing happened with me and this album. I really was looking forward to it. I really dug the last album. I like that it has a story it asks you to follow, but even if you don't, the songs stand alone. This album was more of the same from Coheed, and I was OK with that. These guys are incredible musicians. Incredible. That is also obvious. Riffs to spare. Awesome vocals. One of my songs of the year. I loved this record. I also liked Godfather, part 3. What of it?

(Eight) - Mae - The Everglow - The second (of three) Andy bands to make the list. Listening to this record is like watching a Disney movie. Not the deepest story. Not revolutionary in it's artistic expression, but made with 100 percent love that pours out of every melody. Rock with heart. I ate this up like it was going out of style for a couple months.

(Seven) - The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan - I've always liked The White Stripes. They had me at Fell in Love with a Girl and I haven't let go since. This is their best album yet. Blues-punk, baby. It doesn't get any grittier, but lovely, than this. Another song of the year finishes this album off at quite a different tempo than some of their rockers, but it is a sweet (like a kitten) ender to a sweet (like a kick in the ass) album.

(Six) - Armor for Sleep - What To Do When You're Dead - The first great album of my year. A concept album, but not a shitty concept like a bad Pink Floyd album. It's the ultimate take on not knowing what we've got 'til it's gone. Kicks off painful and badass and ends very melancholy (but resigned) and badass. Great rock record.

(Five) - Thrice (final Andy band)- Vheissu - Boy was I disappointed on the first listen through this album. After the first track, it was all calculated and moody and...different. But like Violet's boyfriend on The Incredibles, "I like different...different's good." It was good. I just had to change my expectations, and not only did I find a great record but my song of the year in the fold as well. Not as rockin' or "metal", whatever that means, as their previous effort, but a solid start to my top five.

(Four) - Wilhelm Scream - Ruiner - I thought this would be my album of the year after my first listen. I really did. And it's not that I felt this got worse, just that the top three were a tad better. The first album in my top ten that I can listen to straight through, every time. Every song is different, but every song is definitely Wilhelm Scream. Fast, sometimes real fast, furious punk rock with ton's of sing-along and melody. My wet dream. That is until my dream changed with number one...

(Three) - Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine - I am getting a bad rap for all my Rent bashing amongst the "I love musicals" crowd. And that's OK. I still think Rent sucks. And no, I still haven't seen, nor will I, see the lifechanging musical movie of the year. But it's ironic in my list of songs of the year comes one from Fiona that could have jumped right off a stage somewhere. The first and title track kicks off a heartbreaking album from a heartbroken girl that was just what the doctor ordered for the heartbroken little boy that dwells inside this 29 year-old man's body. Beautiful. Catchy. Wonderful.

(Two) - BearvsShark - Terrorhawk - My favorite band. Now deceased. Only yesterday did I hear of their passing. Such a shame. I should've known it was too good to be true. Spastic fast. Spastic slow. Vague at times lyrics. Always intriguing. Always worth wondering what was coming next. Such was this album and this band. Rest in peace, guys. You will always carry the torch of what rock should be in my eyes.

(One) - Propagandhi - Potemkin City Limits - I could go on about this motherfucker for days. I won't. Propagandhi only put out records every five years or so, and that's a shame, but it also makes something like this album that much more endearing. It's as fast as Wilhelm Scream. The melodies and riffs take a few listens to completely grab hold of you. What sets these guys and this album apart from the pack (so far above the pack i cannot even explain) this year? They are pissed off. Like my dear, sweet Fiona exclaims, "This is not about love!!!" But then again, it is. In their own way. These guys should make "christians'" boots shake. Why? Because they are about as anti-church and anti-religion as it gets, but they seem to get it. They still have a primitive care for and want for every human being to be treated equally and fairly, not just those that are privileged enough to live in the United States. Not just those that have money. Not just those that tithe to their local church (or government). Even the poor deserve love. Even the ugly. Even our enemies. Even kids that play basketball in churches that they are not members of. All of us. Some people would say that's God moving in them even if they don't want Him to or acknowledge it. Maybe I would too. It doesn't matter, though. Being pissed is one thing. Being able to express that anger in an intelligent and thoughtful and musical (incredibly talented musicians) way is just about impossible to find these days. Thank you, Propagandhi, for reminding me of why I fell in love with "punk" music many years ago. This album rules my world...

...and my year.


Songs of the Year:

every song on potemkin city limits
fiona apple - extraordinary machine
coheed - welcome home
white stripes - i ain't that lonely yet
thrice - like moths to flame

just missed:

alkaline trio - crimson
system of a down - mesmerize

'tis the season for sure...

almost one week removed from my most passionate and personal entry thus far, uncertainties still linger. the emotion has been replaced with resignation which, although still sad, is easier to deal with. getting out with the masses and christmas shopping a little bit this weekend helped. i didn't expect to enjoy that part of "the season" as much as i did. it was fun, and i will not have to get out on christmas eve this year, which is absolutely spectacular. i do still have to wrap. a necessary evil, sure, but i am pretty good at wrapping for a boy.

i think i could title this, my december, turning the page for many different reasons. my church business has been replaced with other busy-ness, but i feel like the busy-ness this year is much more genuine than in years past. how so? i don't know exactly. the feeling of accomplishment is much more prevalent this year than last. seems weird with all the "stuff" that we filled our time with every advent. the stuff. goodness with the stuff. some silly. some contrived. some real. you tell me which was which. i don't think i can put my finger on it.

i get to see my girls soon for the first time in forever. that will be good.

and the cats. yuck. (you know i am kidding, spud.)

i still miss so many people. maybe i'll see some of them sooner rather than later.

coming tomorrow (hopefully)...the year in my music.

turn, turn, turn.

hannah and me (part three)
this time, it will not be on your terms


it's a tough question. one that i have mulled over for years. one that rears it's head in the most inconvenient (but never surprising) of times and places, but neverless, i have to pay attention.

"when is it time to cut the cord?"

having a family, having hannah is making that question a much easier one to be answered. before, it was just me. before, i could swallow it down and convince myself that it was my fault just as much as yours...and yours. before, it was easy to see that it was me making the effort. you see, the cord had already been cut. in some park in odenville, the cord was cut for me. don't you remember? i know you do. but like a weepy, whiny, little dependant bird that had fallen out of the nest before it was time to fly, i knitted the cord back together. slowly, surely, intentionally, bad memories were relegated, hurt feelings were forgiven (never forgotten), and a deliberate push towards making something out of nothing resurrected something that never should've died in the first place. it felt good. i had been lonely without you. to some degree, i always will. and that's not fair. because the same can't be said for you. can it? actions speak louder than words never spoken.

i was nervous about this weekend. i said as much. i didn't know who i would recognize. i didn't know who would recognize me. my fears were realized when the first question i heard as i walked in the house was, "who are you?". it was fair, though. it had been long time. i didn't know who she was either. it was funny, though. after she discovered i was an o'kelley, it didn't matter where the time had gone. in a matter of an hour or two, we were all family again. one...big...happy family. almost...

i am sorry things were busy. i am sorry for headaches. i had one too. always do when i am stressed. of course, you didn't ask, did you? you still should have said good-bye. it wouldn't have taken long. just a minute, and i would've understood. she looks for you in the fucking directory. she calls you the same fucking thing she calls me. you didn't have to say good-bye to me. that happened in odenville. you should've said good-bye to her, though. she hasn't done anything wrong.

you shouldn't have left our shit outside not knowing if we had the means or time to pick it up or where anyone with a truck and some extra time on their hands could've loaded up some extra christmas presents.

i shouldn't be writing this (i can't claim that finding the best way to communicate has ever been my bag). i wish i didn't feel like i had to, or wanted to...

but you should've said good-bye.

good-bye.

to dread or not to dread, that is the question.

i can't accurately recollect how many times that i have wished things were easier. with my family that is. that the divorce when i was eight didn't really happen. that my mother didn't reach into the "this guy's crazy" barrel as many times as she has. that things with brian would have worked out "better". now, my dysfunction has not come completely without it's rewards. i did happen into a stepbrother that i have much more in common with than my biological one. that doesn't mean i see him any more than brian, but it always was (and still is) fun having ken to look forward to after my dad remarried. along those lines, sandy and her entire family have been very warm and welcoming to me for as long as i can remember. i don't know if they would consider me "family", but it's very close, and for that i am incredibly grateful...

the reason i am stewing over all of this is that tomorrow i will be attending the o'kelley family chrstmas for the first time in several years. definitely for the first time since hannah's arrived, and i am incredibly nervous. for a lot of reasons, i would suppose, but mainly because i am not sure of what face i should put on. there are many people that i am looking forward to seeing, but it's kind of sad that most of those people are the ones i should see anyway. my father. sandy. my grandmother. aunt. uncle. their four children. my aunt bam. i live within ten minutes of my dad and grandmother, and i never see them. how should i act tomorrow when the rest of our distant family just assumes that we are as close as every father and son are? i don't know, and i am nervous.

every family has their issues. having served in a church environment for so long now, i guess i am more aware of this than i would like to be. just because parents are married for 25 years doesn't mean their children like them or are happy to be home for the holidays. being a part of a divorced, blended, or single-parent family doesn't necessarily mean that you will be screwed up. but my family feels very abnormal to what i wish it was. i wish that i was looking forward to tomorrow as much as i was thanksgiving, but i can't even say i am looking forward to it. i am looking forward to seeing my relatives fawn over my beautiful baby girl, but i could just as well go to target and have that happen. she is a very pretty baby girl. we'll see, though. i always prepare myself for things to be more stressful and awkward than they usually end up being. i will hope that tomorrow follows that trend. things will be fine. i am sure we will all be happy to see each other. genuinely. i am sure that we will talk about how we should do something soon. i am sure that i will act like everything is fine with the way things seem to be turning out.

i am such a chicken.

here's hoping that the holidays bring out the best in all of our families, whatever that means to each and every one. to mine? well, i guess tomorrow will begin to tell the tale. if you can't find me, i'll be the one hiding behind the two year-old.

Sports Talk Entry Number Four (Roundtable Edition)

a little game i'll call, "if, then...bullshit"

if:

...the top two teams end up playing at the end of the college football season without controversy,

then:

...the BCS "worked".

bullshit:...i'll acknowledge that the championship game this year should be incredible. but, did the BCS work? ask oregon. ask miami. both in the top eight and not playing in the big bowl games when notre dame and ohio state are. hell, ask auburn. auburn made their own bed this year thanks to jon vaughn against lsu and brandon cox against ga. tech, but last year? come on. please tell me the top eight teams in college football, regardless of conference championships, pitted against each other in an end of the year playoff would not be the biggest thing in sports...all year. the college presidents from the BCS fed conferences will never let this happen, and it's a shame. a damn shame.

if:

the braves lose raffy furcal,

then:

...their streak of division titles will end.

bullshit:...i loved raffy, but he was damn overrated. hell of an arm, but his on-base percentage sucked. good luck in LA with j.d. drew, you bastard. also lost farnsworth. big deal. yankees overpaid for a guy that works out too much. good luck in NY with gary sheffield, you idiot. lost leo mazzone. again, overrated. roger mcdowell will be a breath of fresh air and he won't always be rocking. shit, dude, just sit still. chipper's healthy. andruw is the man. francouer for the whole year. john schuerholz will do something big at winter meetings this week. can you say, "manny"?

if:

you are 7-5 and the atlanta falcons,

then:

...you will still make the playoffs.

bullshit:...this is bullshit, right? right? dammit mike vick.

if:

you don't watch arrested development tonight,

then:

...you are missing out on something truly unique and special in the bloated blob of pooh that is the land of television.

bullshit:...not bullshit. true. i know there are a lot of choices. i know there are things to do. i know you are busy. you probably have plans to go see rent, listen to the rent soundtrack or talk about rent. you should spend thirty minutes with the bluth's tonight and consider your life a better place for it.

"why do we fall, bruce?...so we can learn to pick ourselves back up." (preaching the gospel of kevin)

i "preached" yesterday morning at church for the first time in quite a while. i airquote preach because i am never comfortable using that particular term. i don't know why. i guess it applies to what i did on a fairly consistent basis over the course of my six years at huffman, but it has always struck me as one of those words you get the privilege of using if you've dedicated your life to, well, preaching. i guess we all tend to "preach" whether we know it or not. it could be the gospel of jesus christ at times. it could be the gospel of espn. it could be the gospel of shopping. it could be the gospel of videogames or movies. it could be a combination of many different "gospels". another line from batman begins has jumped out at me a lot the last couple of weeks. "it's not who i am underneath, but what I do that defines me." in this season of giving (and buying), it won't be hard to tell what "gospel" we are preaching. i guarantee you it will be directly related to how we spend our disposable income and time. i hope that, as i journey through this season (this season that on many levels i am still dreading), i will be comfortable knowing that my "gospel" is one that jesus would be proud of.

off to a lunch that is much too long coming...

back later...

sooner this time.

happy birthday, joseph!

hannah and me (part two)

it's been a month since part one. a lot of things have happened. a lot of things haven't. i've pissed people off. people have pissed me off. worked some. been off some. wrote some...

...not enough.

i've been thinking a lot lately about things that people say when they are expecting a baby. or about to have a baby. or when they remember having a baby for the first time. they say that their life is going to change. they say that they aren't responsible enough to take care of a completely dependant little human. they ask how they are going to rearrange their life around the baby. they say other things to try and grasp the magnitude of procreation. sarah and i said all of those things too. puts a lot of pressure on that little burden, er, baby. i have come to realize that all of those things that i said and that others say are retarded...

...and selfish.

i am so lucky and blessed for hannah. the only thing in my life that has changed because of her is that my heart got bigger. i get to love more. i understand how god loves me more. it's ridiculous how i worried about my selfish life before her. i still get to play softball. and basketball. i still get to watch what i want. (now, a lot of that is because of sarah and i am lucky for her too.) but those things don't really mean much as compared to taking the baby girl to dreamland and watching her eat chips and banana pudding. watching her fall asleep in the back seat on the way home. laying her head on my chest, still half asleep, on the way up the stairs. taking her shoes and socks off and laying her down in her bed. hearing her say, "thank you, daddy". knowing that i am going to get a big hug and a wet kiss when she wakes up from her nap. knowing that i'll get to fight her for the remote during monday night football tonight. knowing that i'll get to love her more and more every day for the rest of my life.

i am a selfish human being, admittedly. and will forever be. i knew before hannah that god would never give me something i couldn't handle, including her. i know now that the things i will get riled up and write about here are all small in comparison to her and that god will get me through those things too.

i am retarded. people are retarded. no offense to the mentally retarded. it's just a figure of speech.

but i gain perspective every day.

in spite of myself, i grow more wise and more dangerous.

i am no genius, but at least i pay attention.

i am ready for my wet kiss.

jazz hands, everyone!!!
(525,600 reasons why i will never see rent)


disclaimer: most of these reasons are pretty damn shallow

1. it's a musical. if you have to express your inner monologue (or inner fabulous-ness) by breaking out into song, i would rather read a book. granted i've enjoyed a musical here and there. moulin rouge was campy and retro enough to be a guilty pleasure. i enjoyed chicago in spite of myself. these are most definitely exceptions to my rule, though, and rent will not be joining this very short list.

2. for some reason, every time i see the trailer to this movie, i want to throw up.

3. anthony rapp should've stopped acting after adventures in babysitting. this movie was a masterpiece and his mt. everest. why lower yourself, anthony, with all the singing?

4. most of my employess at coldstone are theater/tech. students. this plays well when trying to convey a happy, singy environment to separate coldstone from other ice-cream shops, but if i hear the words rent and "spectacular", "fabulous", "amazing", or "unbelievable" in the same sentence one more time, i am going to have to shut myself in the freezer. also, i don't need you to sing to me your own personal rendition of some "fabulous" song from rent while i am making the schedule. "it will negatively affect your hours and the friends you want to work with." while i am smiling and telling you how much i enjoy your song, this is what i am actually thinking.

5. rosario dawson should still be kicking someone's ass in sin city. not singing.

6. going to see rent or any movie musical does not make you "cultured". it makes you lazy. if you want culture, go see the musical on a stage. go play in the museum of art. read a book. please don't draw any comparisons between rent and any other movie musicals in some sort of critical analyses. they are all movies.

7. i don't have time to see many movies. if i have to choose between those that are out now or will soon be out, i would place good night and good luck, syrianna, narnia, aeon flux, harry potter, chicken little, king kong, jarhead, or a dennis quaid family comedy over rent.

8. did i mention that seeing the trailer makes me want to throw up? i cannot explain this gutteral reaction scientifically...

9. i am already waiting to hear how the soundtrack has changed someone's life...

i'll cut the list 525,591 reasons short. i could go on, but shaun alexander just kicked off.

call me close-minded. in this case you would probably be right. my rationale, most likely, would not hold up in court. like it if you want. "love it!!! (with a lisp)" if you must. just don't tell me that it's "fabulous"...

...please.

miserable and loving it...


you know the miserable i am talking about. the miserable you anticipate. the miserable i have been looking forward to for weeks now. the miserable that makes you get that second helping that's just as big as, if not bigger than, the first because you've got to feel it. it has been a good five hours now since i have eaten anything. i am still full. that's good miserable...

for all intents and purposes, thanksgiving is over. i expected a lot, and it almost lived up to those lofty expectations. the dressing was perfect. the sweet potatoes with marshmellows (i was lucky!!!) were divine. the coca-cola salad just as good as always. the company was great. i talked more this year. it felt good. there was a dick there today. i watched him and i wondered if people thought i had been a dick in year's past, just sitting and eating and only really talking to sarah. i hope not. maybe i was better than that. i was this year. not just for the sake of it, though. because i really enjoyed myself. michael vick came through. sat through an audio-challenged war of the worlds, but it was pretty good and exciting. and you know what? it didn't go by too fast. i mean, it went by faster than i wished, but i was able to savor the day more than i thought i would. the time didn't fly, and i am thankful for that.

depending on which mall you're going to, christmastime officially opens in around three hours. wow. i still suggest that you sleep in. i am going to. but some deals are just too good, right? just too good? no, they aren't. you are still buying something so incredibly marked up that they will still make plenty of money even if it's half off(!!!). sleep late. "the deals" will be there when you wake up.

christmastime approaches me this year like "the nothing" did atreyu in the neverending story. i can feel it coming. i can see it coming. this big, commercial, artificially religious, fake, obligated blob of bullshit coming destroying everything in sight. atreyu couldn't stop "the nothing" and i can't stop "christmastime", but "the nothing" didn't destroy the universe. it just blew everything up so that it could start from scratch again.

start with something unique. and innocent. and exciting...

"you can wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, 'cuz this is a sad one. of course, if you've been eating shit, today probably hasn't been your day."


a week of thanksgiving, right? we're there. we're thankful, and then the thankful stops and the shopping starts on friday. really early on friday. please don't get up early on friday. it's really quite silly. if you are off from work, class, school, please sleep in. have breakfast with your family. even if it's leftovers.

thanksgiving is different this year. it feels different. i have always found reasons to be thankful. i don't have to look far. but i don't usually look forward to thanksgiving the way i am this year. i don't know why that is exactly. i know part of it's the dressing. and the coca-cola salad. and the sweet potatoes with marshmellows (if i am lucky). but i am really looking forward to the trip this year. i've gotten pretty good at talking in front of people, but i am still not terribly accomplished at talking to people. only if i feel like the person really knows me can i open up and not be a nervous wreck. i feel like, this year more than most, i wish i could tell the people that i will spend the majority of my day with how lucky i feel to be with and around them. sarah and hannah are givens, right? but i don't want to take them for granted. and i don't. not anymore. my mother-in-law knows more about me than she wants to know. i know this. but she loves me anyway. and i love her. i can't wait to hang out with her family. i may not talk any more than i ever do, but i'll be happy to be there and feel lucky that i was invited. my brother-in-law...i have always seen a lot of me in him, and i still do. he's close to where i was when i was his age. i hope i was good for him the last five years. i hope i still i am. i'll keep trying. he's good for me. my sister-in-law...i want to say nice things to her all the time, but i don't feel like it's my place. i do want to be a good uncle. i could deal with being the uncle her kid looks forward to seeing because i will always have something fun or unhealthy to eat for them. i could definitely do that. i could do more too. thursday will be a good day, for so many reasons. it will go by too fast.

i do miss my mom and dad and brian and ken and sandy. i hope y'all have a good thursday. i probably won't talk to any of you. it's my fault. i know. it does take two to tango, though.

this weekend was nice. felt like old times in some ways. hanging out with donna and donald and that gang was fun. being at huffman didn't feel nearly as awkward this morning. that was nice.

i miss so many people that i don't know where to start. i am thankful for the hurt. it reminds me of why i miss you so much. i don't have to look far. i never will.

happy week of thanksgiving everyone.

Sports Entry Number Three (Roundtable Edition)


i know i shouldn't feel so gloomy about a football game. it isn't even as if i thought alabama would win. i didn't waste time making a prediction for victory through my crimson-colored glasses because in my heart, i didn't believe it. i think i wanted it to be entertaining, though. you would think that someone would have told the team that this was THE game. Yes, you sucked against LSU, but you've sucked ever since you lost prothro, and your coaches weren't good enough to get you through it. But today? Wow. That first quarter was impressive, guys. Pass on first down. 3rd and 15. punt from your endzone three times. way to go. it's like everyone watched your tape from the lsu game but you. sure, you fought hard in the second half. but auburn didn't have to try any more. that was the most boring half of football i have ever seen in my life. you came to a gun fight with a butter knife, and it showed. oh well. just one more loss against a mediocre big 12 or acc team and we can send the golden boy and his cursed and overrated ass on to the nfl and maybe you can build toward a decent year next year. it was a nice tease. 9-0 felt good even though you didn't deserve it. good luck in the cotton bowl or the peach. good riddance.

i need a basketball team to root for. any suggestions? i am going to have a hard time rooting for another badly coached alabama team. the nba, richard hendrix? really? i mean, you thought that was a good idea? who told you? the same guys that were talking up kennedy winston? keep talking on that go phone, kennedy winston. when your minutes run out, maybe you can spend some time wondering what it would have been like to be an all-american this year.

...

if i would have been in your shoes, dude, i think i would have made another choice. are my feelings hurt? yeah, i guess i little bit. i guess i expect every one to act like kiker (of course, it does help me appreciate that there are not very many kiker's in the world.). or like i would like to think i would. not everybody does. good luck to your team. if we play, i will make sure chris thigpen doesn't allow you to score. it's too bad. ...

saturday night live will suck again tonight, won't it?

...this morning was weird. super-weird. not in a bad way. not at all. just weird.

there really isn't anything like a hug from the baby girl.

"night, night daddy."

"inevitable waves of change"

andy, i have found my best album of the year, and that album is propagandhi. no shit. it is the rippin'-est, most moving thing i have heard in a while. a long while. one month to go before the top ten list is published. processing...

well, HUMC softball 2005 came to an end last night with a discouraging loss to a team we had destroyed in the regular season. it was disconcerting to say the least, but we scratched and clawed out of a deep hole to make it respectable, so good job by you guys. mid-march of 2006 can't get here fast enough. i have to give props here to our fearless pitcher, paul sutton, who took another line drive off his body for the team. he has taken more licks for this team than all of the rest of us, combined, and he comes back for more every season. paul is awesome. jacob, if you hear him talking retirement, don't let it happen.

'bama basketball kicked off last night with an underwhelming win over miami of ohio??? i thought ronald steele was badass, but memphis is going to kill them tomorrow night...

there's a serious disturbance in my force right now, but i can't get a hold on how to make things right. processing...

i am ready for my mother-in-law's dressing. thanksgiving can't come soon enough...

iron bowl prediction? not yet...

it's almost time to get back in the ring. processing...

genius has no relationship whatsoever to popularity...

from one sort of taste to another. ..

i have a friend that i meet at around 7:00 every monday night. i used to meet her on sunday nights. some nights, we couldn't meet, and i would record her. don't worry. she knew. or maybe she didn't. i am not a nielsen family anymore. i used to be. when i was single. before her. that's not the point, though. my date was broken last night. i was stood up. two-timed. she said it wasn't her fault. she got caught in traffic. at least she didn't say she was washing her hair. where are you arrested development?

taste in music is different from taste in television just as taste in television is different from taste in movies. we'll get to that some other day. last night, i couldn't watch the best show in television (not the best comedy. the best show. period.). why? because other than between 4 and 6 million (which in tv land is not a lot) of my closest friends, no one else will watch. why? what is wrong with you people? fox has pulled my darling from november sweeps so that you can watch a repeat of prison break before a first run episode. woohoo! i watched basketball instead. never seen prison break. could be great. i don't care. it's not as good as arrested development. i promise you that. now, instead of looking forward to 22 half-hours of bliss this season with my funny family of dysfunction, i am now told that i can have 13, and 5 or 6 (i can't remember) are already in the rearview mirror. it's really quite sad. i don't get it. people will watch shit shows like according to jim belushi, joey sucks now, and king of eating queens, but they won't watch my love. why? do you not get it? do you not like to laugh? there is no show on television (outside of family guy, simpsons, and, on a good night, american dad) that has a higher laugh per minute ratio than arrested development. so, that must be it. you must not like to laugh. you'll waste a half hour of your life for three or four punchlines from i used to be on friends, but you don't want to pleasure yourself with the apple of my eye. we can still do this, people! between now and december 5th, buy one of the first two seasons on dvd and watch three episodes. come back and tell me i am wrong. tell me it's not funny. after three, you will want to see more and more and more 'til you can't find any more on dvd and you'll have to watch the first run episode on december 5th. you'll watch and you'll tell your friends to watch and they'll tell theirs. fox will notice, apologize, and bring back my sunshine on a cloudy day. please watch. please laugh. you do like to laugh, right? please...

shows you should be watching (and that i wish i had time to watch every time they came on):

arrested development
family guy
the simpsons
american dad
south park
my name is earl
the office
lost
the daily show
the colbert report
pardon the interruption
quite frankly
around the horn
sportscenter

shows you should never, ever watch:

according to jim (you are not funny)
joey (poor guy)
daytime soap operas (none of them)
anything on fox news (they are funny, though)
anything with charlie sheen (he's not funny)
er (try grey's anatomy. they have mopey doctors, but not this many mopey doctors.)
this list could go for a long, long time. i'll leave it be.

december 5th. 7:00. fox. watch.

"you're favorite band sucks." (me vs. jacob vs. the world)

first off, the quote above resides on my favorite shirt in the world. sarah bought it for me several years ago. it came from "the onion". how much does that rule? it sums up pretty much everyone's feelings about music, right? i love this band or this singer so much, but the band or singer or lipsyncher you like sucks. right? it rules. you know what, though? guess how many times i have worn my favorite shirt out of the house? twice. two fucking times. why? because i was afraid that people might be offended. at what? the word "sucks"? doubtful. the sentiment? surely not. everyone thinks it. how the hell should i know? i think it just speaks to how much of a chickenshit i became for a time. oh well. times, they are a changin'. i need to find that shirt...

moving on...

to the subject at hand, jacob sutton is a stubborn s.o.b. jacob is convinced about many things musicly. firstly, he thinks queen rocks and is the band that all other bands should be measured against. i am not sure what for? their mighty guitar licks? their singer's high tenor? their "profound" lyrics? the very accomplished rhythm section? probably a combination of all of these plus much, much more. in addition to that, jacob is fairly sure that the classic rock days or closely thereafter marked the end of relevant and/or new music. in addition to that, he is fairly sure that today's music has nothing to offer him. to all of this, what do i say? i say, "fuckin' A, dude!" when i thought about this particular point of my interest i tried to gear myself up to be as incendiary as possible. but it just doesn't matter, does it?

now, don't get me wrong. i have tried. i have tried to pull jacob away from dark side and introduce him to my world of music. i am outside of the mainstream in my taste, but not way outside. i can appreciate a good pop song. i am willing to admit that "Hey Ya" is, in fact, the greatest song ever written. go ahead, argue with me. by the time you finish your argument, you will be tapping your toes, singing the chorus and finding a fucking polaroid picture to shake. i like fast music for the most part, but i can get in a mellow mood. i like lyrics that say more than i love you so-and-so, but i like my share of love songs too. i love certain bands. i mean love them. as i write this, i am listening to the first album propagandhi have offered in five years, and i am in love. i am in love with thrice. i am in love with bear vs. shark. i am in love with the blood brothers. i am in love with vaux. i am in love with rancid (see. you've heard of them!). i am in love with fiona apple (don't worry...sarah is well aware). i am and will always be in love with less than jake, goldfinger, and reel big fish even if they all suck now. nirvana, jacob, did change the world, but mudhoney was better. all of these bands have things to offer jacob, but i don't think it's my place to convince him.

i am out of love with most "christian bands". not that there's anything wrong with them, but please don't change up the words to shout to the lord again, put it to power chords, and put a sticker on your album that says "for fans of blink-182 and simple plan". that's just wrong. and silly. and sick. i mean, simple plan??? c'mon. really, my issue is more along the lines of preaching to the choir is not what jesus intended for christians to do, but that's another topic entirely. make your money. donate some to the church. to your church. to world hunger. go get em, tiger. who am i to judge? right? just don't tell me that our "christian artists" aren't ripping someone else off. if you disagree, we can debate. i will win.

i am out of love with country, but i have grown up enough that i am willing to admit this is out of pure ignorance, and i am ok now with people that like the country music. it's fine. i don't like the whining. i don't get the gratuitous steel guitar and violin and the black cowboy with big and rich. but i don't have to. thankfully, jacob doesn't either.

let's try to steer this pony in the stable now. is jacob stubborn about his music? yes. am i stubborn about my music? yes. are you? more than likely. you know what? i am fine with that. i won't try and convert anyone. you don't try and convert me. we can make fun of each other and each other's music all we want. you know why? because we don't have to listen to that shit when we get in OUR car.

does queen suck? i think so.

does your favorite band suck? i think so.

does my favorite band suck? jacob probably thinks so.

do i care? nope.

why?

cuz' i love jacob.

where are you gary plummer?

a quick update of self-and-team-congratualtions. first, peyton manning got his last night. then, HUMC softball got theirs this night. we didn't play our "a" game by any means but still scored 20 and mercied a pretty solid team. next week, here we come. next week, two wins means another big trophy. next week, we'll be loose, because we aren't the braves anymore. who knows. maybe we're the colts. let's finish this thing.

Sports Talk Entry Number Two (WJOX Roundtable Edition)
to the uninformed, the "jox" roundtable is a midday sports-talk radio program that touches on many items during their hour long program. a lot of sports, not all sports...

when attempting to be an attractive represenative of your church to someone that you may or may not know, to someone you may or may not like, eye contact is a good place to start. good job by you, yesterday. you know who you are. you may never read this, but good job by you. you are awesome. and warm. and loving to all. and not critical. and qualified for your position. and all sorts of other things you really aren't...

i am nervous for alabama. i, along with a lot of other people, cannot remember a more uninspiring 9-0 team ever. but listen to me. the worst alabama can do is 9-2 and a new year's day bowl more than likely, and here i am complaining. it just seemed like they could've been so much more. i remember when they scored touchdowns in sec games. that was fun. that was a long time ago. now they beat teams 6-3 that notre dame scores 5 touchdowns against. 5!!! notre dame doesn't have a tyrone prothro. i would have a hard time trading brodie croyle for brady quinn. what's the deal, guys? our coach came from the pro's too. is our offensive line that bad? maybe that's it. i don't think 6 points will do it this week, guys. i know it won't next week. auburn has outscored every common opponent they share with bama by a lot. dang it. i can't wait for the game, though. i can't wait to watch it with friends. it'll be a good day either way. score, bama, score.

the falcons are badass, well, their defense is. and their running game is. c'mon, michael. you're the man, remember...?...

bama basketball kicks off soon. ronald steele is badass...

kobe bryant, much to my chagrin, is badass...

thrice is badass. if anyone that reads this hasn't heard a thrice song but downloads, go find "like moths to flame" somewhere and check it out. you too, jacob sutton. you queen person you. one day, jacob, you will understand there is recent music worth your time. the new thrice is worth your time. it's grown on me now, and i can't get enough...

arrested development is back tonight. everyone should watch. scott baio will be in the house...

big softball game tomorrow. huge softball game. 8:30. i already have butterflies...

and once more to the "christian" referenced above. good job by you...

ATTENTION: This post will contain many, many air quotes...


it has come to my attention (i love that phrase. "it has come to my attention". that usually means someone is bothered with me but has passed that being bothered on to me through someone else.) that some of my remarks made here (see comment #7 on my post from October 28) have drawn the "concern" of a few "folks". let's go ahead and put this out here one more time. this is MY journal. MY thoughts. MY commentary on what i think about the world and my world. those that received an invitation to my thoughts if they were interested in reading them were made aware of this very fact in post number one. secondly, i am having a hard time understanding the "concern" that may be necessary from what has been published thus far. is it because i was hard on HUMC? maybe. but, i have always believed that the things/persons you love the most you have the right to be most critical of. why? because in most cases, your passion for said things/persons is going to motivate you to make those things/persons better. case in point...for many, many years i have "loved" HUMC, most especially the last six when i poured every ounce of my being into her, therefore my "concerns" for the church were well documented. moving on, are the outward "concerns" due to "impressionable" eyes that may be sharing in my giving HUMC a hard time? hmm... i have to believe that those that happen upon this journal (or harry potter, or the bible, or their history book) have the mental capacity to take something in without it somehow, subconciously, leading them to brainwashed reactions toward the church. if this "concern" is for "them", treat them as i always treated them, as young adults with minds of their own. moving on, are the "concerned" bothered, themselves, with what they have read? if so, you may choose not to read this journal in the same way you choose what movies you watch, what restaurants you patronize, and what network cartoons on sunday nights on fox you choose to avoid. easy as that. moving on, are the "concerned" in question concerned (no quotes) with/for me? that's silly...

concern comes in many flavors, doesn't it? there's genuine, heartfelt concern for another's physical and/or emotional well-being. in that sense, i am concerned for my brother brian who is currently rehabbing in pompano beach, fl (note: i am very proud of you, brian). after that, there's varying levels of "concern", ranging from innocent intrigue to obsessive intrigue, the degree determined by how one lets that "concern"affect his/her own life and business. i am "concerned" that my president is so silly that he makes himself an easy target for jon stewart each and every night. that "concern" doesn't drive me away from the country, though. in the grand scheme of the ministry of Huffman United Methodist Church, what should it really matter what a former youth director thinks about the cancellation of a Halloween carnival? if this is truly reason for "concern", i think that is silly too.

if you "folks" are "concerned", my e-mail is available via this journal. you probably are aware of how to contact me or sarah via phone. my cell phone number is not a secret. if there is truly reason for "concern", let me know.

if not, then for your peace of mind, as it regards this journal and the thoughts in my head, take the blue pill, guys and girls. take the blue pill.

a quick public service announcement...

...or at least a reminder to me for every time i look at this thing and am hungry. the McRib is back, baby!!! I don't know what day exactly. I just made my first trip to mickey-D's this week, but it's here!

the good news just keeps rollin' in!

the McRib is back!!!

a preamble...

"In this world, we're just beginning to understand the miracle of living. Maybe I was afraid before, but I'm not afraid anymore!"

god bless you, belinda carlisle (or whoever wrote that song for you), for getting it right. heaven, indeed, is a place on earth.

coming soon...

tackling the issue of being concerned vs. "being concerned"...

still fairly not pissed-off...

well, here i am a couple days removed from accepting my invitation to the 29-years of age club, and i am still feeling pretty good about things. a rousing send-off to the softball regular season last night helps. i am now tied for second on the team with five bombs. that's fun. i love softball. it's hard to swallow that we only have one to three games left before waiting 'til april to start over again. paul dubbed us the atlanta braves of our league last night. that stung a bit, but he was right. our last three seasons we've finished first, second (to the eventual champ) and first but have continued our trend of flaming out early in the tournament. i hope we can make a better showing for ourselves this season. it would be a shame if we didn't.

...the november muzak cd that we play in the store at coldstone has christmas songs on it. god, could it really be christmas time already? i guess it almost is. we already have a pretty good idea of what the baby girl will be getting this year. that's fun. i am ready for thanksgiving. i am glad the store is closed.

i guess we will plan on doing the midnight service at HUMC this year. that is, unless they cancel the service due to "lack of volunteers". oooooh.....OUCH!!!

don't worry, i'll work up another piss-off soon.

hannah and me (part one)

as evidenced by some of my first posts, i oftentimes am mad at the world. not just the cliche, but mad at the world. the world in general, the people of the world specifically, the people in my world more specifically. people have such potential. christians have even more, because we know better. we know that there is something unseen that we can't explain that loves us, that gives us hope, that pushes us forward, that doesn't ask for anything in return other than what our beautiful free will drives us to reciprocate. more times than not, though, we screw it up. we are so fucking selfish. we put our emphasis on money. on being known. on building a facade that people can fawn over when deep down, we know that we are pulling the wool over on everyone we come in contact with. we are so scared to admit that we may have fucked up, that we just move on and convince ourselves of some false truth, some skewed worldview based on our on rationalizations. something that has and will continue to plague me is my inability to tackle these frustrations head on. instead, i tend to avoid confrontation, swallow my anger and/or hurt, and just wait until it comes out in some way that i don't expect.

this brings me to today's entry. i still want to be mad today. at the whole HUMC halloween deal, but i am having a hard time getting upset. i turned 29 yesterday, and i felt the love and care of many, many people. it's hard to be angry when you feel so good. also, i have a little present from God in her room taking a nap right now that i get to spend a day with today. and three next week. i can't wait. i hope she can't. i hope she doesn't mind spending a few days away from Lauren and Amaya and all of her other friends. while we were getting my car washed today, we had the greatest time chasing one empty twizzler wrapper around the waiting area. she is so cute. oh hannah. i hope your mom and i can make you happy and somehow avoid the anger and frustration and hurt that your dna, inevitably and unfortunately, has been imprinted with. we'll try. i promise. daddy loves you. so much.

"you're a whore in sheep's clothing, fucking up all i do." -coheed

i'll get to this one a little later. i just had to put the line down somewhere other than in my head. maybe i'll be able to go to sleep now...

...he's found his legs. time to see what the other guy's got.

...ring the bell.

...round two.

people i wouldn't mind being for a day (part one of many i am sure)...

let's start with...

...michael freakin' vick - ok. growing up 'til now, i have always considered myself an ok to slightly above average athlete. that's not to say i wasn't pretty good at the sports i attempted to play and still play in an attempt to stay young, but on an athletic level, i was and am probably on par with your standard white guy, the 1976 model. but michael vick. damn. if i could only play football in his shoes for one game. he's faster than everyone on the field. has more moves than anyone else on the field and the strongest arm the game's ever seen. ever. sure, he has some problems with accuracy and touch, but those are skills and not athletic detriments. i love you michael vick. watching you makes me very happy. win a super bowl. make all the naysayers kiss your ass. you are the man.

ichiro - i love baseball. i love playing it (well, it's softball nowadays). i love watching it. you can ask my wife. i can live and die with the braves, even in a "meaningless" game in the middle of june. as a matter of fact, it's been a regular appointment the last 14 years barring one during the playoffs to watch them lose to someone i think they should beat. i like chipper a lot. i like andruw jones and watching him more. but it's ichiro that stirs my drink. i don't get to see him much other than highlights on baseball tonight, but he's so good. so good at baseball. a natural rocket arm, speed and hits .330 every year. so good. i would love to play one baseball game as ichiro.

...two from life...

andy - a reliable and trusted voice on sports, music, religion, politics and life in general. we have so much in common it's scary, and i have joked before that he is my long lost brother from another mother. i would be honored to walk a day in his shoes. i'd live 50 yards from a full size basketball court. that'd be cool.

kiker - i do not know a better man. period. you could try and argue with me, but i'd find a way to kick your ass. if you were bigger than me, i'd bring a bat.

fear the community...

i just told a friend of mine that i've been "blogging" for less than a week now, and i already feel myself tempering what i want to say. why? for fear of upsetting someone of course. don't want to step on anyone's toes. don't want to make anyone think less of me. don't want anyone to think i am a bad person. fuck!!! what is wrong with me? i know i am not a bad person. in fact, i think i am a pretty good one. i love god. i love jesus, and it's my want to somehow make everyone i stumble upon see that love and want a part of it. that's good, right? but, still, i hesitate. god, being on a church staff for six years will change you. maybe not for the worse, necessarily, but it will take away your cajones. my methods don't match up with a church and congregation like HUMC all the time. a halo 2 night? "oh no. that's not right!" laughing and fellowshipping with family guy? "i don't like that show. the baby's creepy. they fart." leave the youth center open past 8? "they can go and hang out somewhere else. i can't stay here all night."...

HUMC canceled their halloween carnival this year. no box maze. no cake walk. no bean bag toss. my "sources" at the church told me the main reason was lack of volunteers. how nice. the church championed the outpouring of "community" into the church last year. we planned for 150. 750 showed up. maybe more. we were awesome. we'll double it next year. bullshit. "you mean we have to buy 100 bags of candy instead of ten? no way, dude!" "something's come up. i am sorry. i have to watch a rerun of the king of queens." how silly and sad. i'll probably be more upset as monday draws nearer. this may be continued...

"they" can go to huffman baptist i guess...

they will.

Sports Talk Entry Number One

Fisher Deberry was right...

for those of you that don't know, Fisher Deberry is the head football coach at Air Force. In his weekly press conference, he made a comment about needing to recruit more black athletes to enhance his team's speed and therefore their chance to win. well, of course, all hell broke loose and accusations were made that they were racist comments. were they??? give me a break. he was not inflammatory with his comments. he just said what we all know and think when we are watching a game. black guys tend to be faster, predominantly, than white guys. a case in point...since jason sehorn, how many white guys have started a game at cornerback in the nfl? my guess is zero, although i don't have the facts to back that up. how many white guys that don't play for the rams in the nfl are not labeled as "possession receivers"? meaning, they are slow as crap but run good routes. probably because they are slow as crap and it's easier to make a cut when you run a 4.87 compared to a 4.4. we are so quick to freakin' judge. how many of you or your parents hold the high and mighty "Bear" Bryant in the highest of regards? Well, after (black) USC running back Sam Cunningham ran all over Alabama's ass (in a Rose Bowl i think), the "Bear" was quoted as saying, "I gotta get me one of them." in that mumbled voice of his. since he was in the south and he won games, no one jumped on him for making the insensitive comment of the year, if not his career. Fisher Deberry is right. if you will kindly make a left toward the stable, i can direct all of you hypocrites to where you can get off your high horse!!!


by the way...brad lidge, meet mark wohlers and mitch williams. you're done. become a starter. leave the country. you memories of this post-season will drive you insane shortly. sorry.

Round One...ding


"Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?" -silent bob


how many people in this world know you? i mean, truly know you? know, know you. from the inside out. i think i could count the number of those people in my life on one hand and one of those can't really talk yet. i've talked about this out loud before. with the group. we didn't have time to get very deep. that was probably for the best. the deeper, the sadder. my parents aren't even close to being counted on that one hand, and i've grown to like it that way. i used to want them to know more, but when i realized they didn't really care, i gave up. they don't want to know...

...and neither do you. do you? but that's ok.

...i do love my friends. i do love those that care about me. i do love those that i care about.

...i give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but i am cynical. more now than ever.

i use bad language a lot. i hope that's ok. you'll see it here. i'll see it here.

so, is it good or bad? the whole people not knowing me/you thing. i don't know. what would i want them to know. the bad stuff? probably not. this subject will come up a lot. it rears it's head to me often.

jab, jab, dance, jab. he's feeling this thing out. it's a fighter's fight. jab, jab, dance...

ding.

therein lies the crux, right...

you've claimed to hate something, but for some reason you're drawn to it anyway. you've understood the logic, and yet you've hated it for the same logical reasons. you like to journal, or you did. but you don't anymore. you've had thoughts that ranged from the silly to sincere as to how people have journaled of and about you. you've been flattered. you've been mad. you've swore you'd get even. you've been proud that you didn't. and so here goes...

will i apologize for it? i guess this, my first post, is in a way an apology. an apology that i couldn't control my urge for an outlet of sorts. a way that if someone is interested in me farther than my words or actions, they may receive some sort of insight or entertainment.

how committed will i be? we'll see.

as nasty and narcissistic as i want to be? we'll see.

sarah and hannah...my girls...i love you. maybe you'll think this is fun.

i'll be back soon...

to my family, friends, and those that may ever stumble across this, MY world, welcome.

the gloves are now off.